Description[]
These two egomaniacal trolls lead powerful intergalactic armies. Who will conquer the other, and whose army will be crushed by the might of the other's?
Prelude[]
Wiz: In space, sometimes it's necessary for one to amass a mighty army for their empire
Boomstick: And these two built up some insane armies. With ROBOTS!
W: Zinyak Emperor of the Zin Empire
B: And Handsome Jack, President of the Hyperion Corporation.
W: For this battle we'll be analyzing both the armies of the Hyperion Corporation and the Zin Empire as well as whatever their leaders can do
B: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick!
W: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skill to find out who would win a Death Battle!
Zinyak[]
W: In the remote corners of the universe there is a planet simply known as Zin, home to a species known as Zin.
B: That seems kinda weird, naming your species after your own planet. It's like if we were called "Earths".
W: The Zin were crude and admittedly kind of dumb. But one Zin, born to a humble baker and a seamstress was a cut above the rest. This Zin's name was Zinyak.
B: As a lad, Zinyak baked cream puffs to raise money to get into the school of his dreams. Fucking pansy.
W: Eventually Zinyak did manage to scrounge up enough money for the prestigious college, and it was here that his professor told him something he would never forget. To never let anyone or anything get in his way of pursuing his goals.
B: These words encouraged Zinyak enough to let him graduate from the college with honors. Damn. He then entered the military and rose up the ranks in the best way possible. By killing!
W: Eventually Zinyak managed to claim the throne as Emperor. He then began conquering worlds and building up his empire.
B: The Zin Empire is home to some crazy shit. Sure, you got your basic foot soldiers, complete with cool laser shields. But the Zin also have a series of badass vehicles, including space jeeps, space tanks, UFOs and weird flying bikes.
W: In addition, there are the elite Zin, stronger, faster and tougher than your average Zin, with the added ability to use telekinesis. And if a Zin needs some extra backup they can use a Control and Interface Device or a CID to apply a shield.
B: Hey, isn't that the robot obsessed with Space?
W: No, the CIDs are not in anyway affiliated with Aperture Science.
B: Anyway, if the situation calls for it, the Zin can call in robotic troops with the most badass names you'll ever hear. The Murderbots are equipped with laser gun arms and mine launchers, and can even survive being broken in half.
W: The Marauders are large robots that can roll into battle and are heavily armored in the front, however despite being armored tanks in the front, they have a weakness at the back of their head.
B: But the most dangerous and badass of the Zin are the Wardens, Zin criminals turned into monsters.
W: A Warden can leap entire buildings and launch powerful blasts of energy, use telekinesis and create shockwaves by stomping.
B: But if Zinyak himself is forced to enter the fray, he's more than prepared to kick ass. Zinyak has access to a powerful War Mech that can take a lot of punishment and dish out just as much. You think he'd let me take it for a joy ride?
W: No.
B: Aww cmon, I promise not to destroy a town... Again.
W: I'm not paying for the damages again. Anyway, even outside his War Mech, Zinyak is a powerful brute, able to overpower even the fittest of opponents.
B: You're no fun...
W: In conclusion the Zin Empire is a powerful fighting force, and if you see a Zin invasion coming, your species' days will be numbered.
B: Just wanted to destroy my Ex-Wife's house...
Zinyak: Humanity is dead, my friend. The time has come for you to follow suit.
Handsome Jack[]
W: The planet Pandora is a veritable hellhole. Psychotic bandits at every turn, vicious and bloodthirsty wildlife, but the worst monster of them all is the President of the Hyperion Corporation, Handsome Jack.
B: Before he was... Ahem.. Handsome, Jack was raised by his grandmother, who's idea of discipline involved a buzz-saw axe. Just like Gramma Boomstick.
W: Jack would later in life get a job as a simple programmer for the Hyperion Corporation, a guns manufacturer and supplier of robots, it was then he had a dream, to bring order to the badlands of Pandora by opening the Vault, a legendary cache of ancient alien weaponry.
B: He also got married and had a child, a daughter named Angel, but this was no ordinary child. Angel was a Siren, a rare super chick with cool magic abilities.
W: Angel accidentally killed Jack's Wife, forcing him to restrain her. He then used Angel to manipulate a couple of Vault Hunters into opening the Vault. However instead of containing weapons it contained-
B: A giant tentacle monster! Oh God! Wonder if that thing's been in any he-
W: Jack took credit for killing the beast and took its eye to use as weapon for order.
B: However, the eye got stolen, and eventually was destroyed. To make matters worse Jack got betrayed by the Vault Hunters he worked with, causing his face to- OH SWEET FUCKING CHRIST WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO HIM?!
W: This scar drove Jack into insanity, and he not only killed his boss, becoming President of the company, but he also crafted a face mask and a new name. Handsome Jack.
B: As President of Hyperion, Handsome Jack did what any normal man would do. Create a ton of new, Badass combat bots.
W: The Loaders are a series of versatile robots, with different models able to wield guns, produce shields, shoot fire, fly, become a walking time bomb, shoot grenades or deflect bullets.
B: But the most powerful loaders are the WAR Loaders, equipped with huge missile launchers, and the Badass and Super Badass Loaders, which are bigger, stronger and deadlier. It's like a dream come true.
W: There are also the Constructors, large, more immobile robots which function more as mini-factories, able to digistruct Loaders out onto the field, but they are equipped with weaponry themselves.
B: The Surveyors fly around and supply health and shielding to Hyperion forces, and if extra robots are needed fast, they can simply be airdropped from the Helios Moonbase. It's like a speed dial for killer robots!
W: In addition to robotic troops, Hyperion has a series of armed combat troops, from Snipers, to RPG wielders to even Infiltrators with cloaking devices.
B: But the real big guns lie in some of Hyperion's more special troops. There's W4R-D3N, a giant Constructor designed to carry prisoners, Saturn, an enormous Loader with more guns than even a Super Badass Loader, Wilhelm, a giant cyborg man, and my personal favorite, BNK-3R, a Flying Fortress with a huge-ass gun.
W: Jack even has his own body double, perfect for avoiding assassination attempts. However, Jack's most powerful weapon isn't a robot, it's a massive alien super weapon. The Warrior.
B: The Warrior is a giant lava monster with powerful fire breath. It's simply beautiful.
W: And if push comes to shove, Jack himself is more than prepared for combat. Jack wields two shoulder mounted laser cannons, and has corrosive grenades for armored opponents.
B: Jack also can summon Digi-Jacks, digital clones who also pack an extra punch. He can basically be at two places at once.
W: The Hyperion Corporation's army is extremely powerful. With Handsome Jack at the helm, it's nearly unstoppable. In a world of bandits and monsters, only one army reigns supreme.
Handsome Jack: "I can't just have some psychopathic murderers getting to the vault before I do. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's cute that you all think you're the heroes of this little adventure, but you're not. Welcome to Pandora, kiddos."
Interlude[]
W: Alright the combatants are set, let's end this debate once and for all!
B: It's time for a Death Battle!!!
Battle[]
Over the skies of the pristine Hyperion city of Opportunity, something was blotting out the sun. A giant mothership. Said mothership belonged to the Zin Empire, and their emperor, Zinyak, had taken quite the liking to the barren planet of Pandora. Already his troops were marching towards the city, and he decided to contact the President of Hyperion to discuss his surrender. Of course, the Zin had not once failed to conquer any planet they set their sights on, and this day would be no different.
Meanwhile in the offices of Opportunity, Handsome Jack was panicking. An alien invasion. He was used to bandit raids but this was different. This was war. Suddenly, he received a transmission. Jack turned on his ECHO video device and was greeted with the face of Zinyak himself.
"My, my. What have we here? I take it you're Jack, the President of this lowly corporation?" Zinyak gloated
"Just who the hell do you think you are?" Jack yelled "I'M supposed to be the one who conquers Pandora, not some scrotum face like you!"
"Ohohoh, feisty aren't we? Well it's obvious you aren't going to surrender. I'll enjoy burning this city to the ground."
The call had ended.
"That bastard!" Jack pressed a button on his desk and barked orders to his inferiors. "Send in the army, we're going to war."
Outside, Loaders of all types began patrolling the streets, as the Zin army marched towards the entrance. The Loaders came face to face with the Zin, and both armies were preparing to destroy the opposing.
FIGHT!
Total chaos began. Zin against Loader. Both sides began suffering heavy casualties. A wave of shield-bearing began pushing back against the Loaders, however some rammed by BUL Loaders. Soon a few EXP Loaders began infiltrating Zin formations and exploding, causing mass panic as limbs, both organic and mechanical, flew about. ION Loaders began deploying their shields. PWR Loaders marched forth, their spinning blades blocking most shots, and HOT Loaders burned crowds of Zin to ashes. The Zin needed backup, fast.
Tanks and armored vehicles began storming, their heavy armor being near impenetrable from the weapons of normal Loaders. Laser cannons began chewing through Loader armor, and their forces began dwindling as well. Elite Zin poured from transport vehicles and began tearing apart Loaders as well.
Both leaders were observing the chaos. Zinyak from above in his capital ship and Jack from his office in one of the skyscrapers that littered the city. Zinyak chucked at seeing his men tear apart the feeble bots of Hyperion. Jack, however was losing, and he needed backup. He contacted the Helios Moonbase
"We need troops at Opprotunity! Now!" Jack yelled into the intercom.
Out on the streets, the Loader numbers seemed to be steadily depleting and many Zin assumed victory. But then, what seemed like meteors rained down from the sky. From the craters, WAR Loaders, Badass Loaders and Constructors rose, their red eyes gazing at the Zin. Overhead, swarms of Surveyors began clouding the sky, fixing up damaged Loaders. On rooftops, Hyperion Snipers and Hawks began picking off groups of Zin, while on the ground, Hyperion Soldiers, Infiltrators and Combat Engineers entered the fray.
Zin ships began flying in, sweeping the land with their high power lasers. Marauders rolled in, creating walls in front of Hyperion forces. Murderbots, some with CID shielding, marched forward, pushing back the Hyperion forces.
Larger meteors fell, releasing Badass Constructors and Super Badass Loaders that towered over the carnage. The Badass Constructors began supplying heavy troops while launching missiles towards crowds of Zin. Super Badasses shot down Zin ships.
Bodies of both Zin and Hyperion robots began piling up. Zin blood stained walls and ground throughout Opportunity whilst remains of desecrated robots were scattered throughout. Both sides were near evenly matched and were tearing each other apart.
Above, Emperor Zinyak was not satisfied with his troops being matched by mere tin cans. He contacted his ground troops.
"I tire of this battle, send 'them' in. I'm sure that will end this charade rather quickly."
"Yes, My liege."
Suddenly, the skies darkened, and what seemed like lava began raining down. Massive beasts began falling from the sky. The Wardens had made their arrival. Normal Loaders were ripped apart by hand, larger Loaders were overwhelmed by multiple Wardens. Mass chaos began.
Handsome Jack began panicking as his forces began dwindling. He contacted the Moonbase again.
"We're taking heavy losses. Send.." Jack stopped himself for a moment. "Send in the heavy artillery..."
On the other end, an Engineer spoke up.
"Sir, are you sure about thi-"
"I said send them in NOW!"
Jack turned his attention back to the battle. A large meteor fell from the sky. Another followed. A shadow was cast over the battlefield. The sound of metal footsteps emerged from one of the buildings.
Saturn, W4R-D3N, BNK-3R and Wilhelm had entered the fray.
Saturn slowly walked throughout Opportunity, blasting apart vehicles, Zin troops, Zin robots and even Wardens. W4R-D3N, unfortunately, wasn't well equipped for the carnage, and a few Wardens swarmed the Constructor, one tearing it's red eye out while others ripped it apart.
BNK-3R was well equipped for the battle, raining mortars from above, blasting apart Zin formations with its huge gun, and ripping apart Zin ships not only via its turrets, but it plowed through the smaller ships with ease. Zin ships attempted to swarm it, but were met with flanking by JET Loaders. Wilhelm was also effective on ground, effortlessly plowing through Zin forces and combatting Wardens.
The Zin Emperor was less than pleased at this. How dare Jack make a mockery out of him. He rarely did this, but it was time for the Emperor to enter the fray. His War Mech ready, Zinyak beamed himself down onto Pandora, and walked into the city.
The very pavement cracked with every step of Zinyak's mech, and he obliterated any Loader that stood in his way. Eventually he found himself face-to-face with Wilhelm, Jack's main enforcer. Wilhelm charged at Zinyak, but with a simple blast from the arm cannon, Wilhelm was knocked off his feet. Zinyak continued forward, casually crushing Wilhelm's cybernetic legs with a simple step, and left him for the Wardens to take care of.
Soon enough, Zinyak faced another foe, Saturn. In his mech, Zinyak matched the titan in size. Saturn immediately opened fire on the Zin emperor, who simply shrugged off the onslaught and made his way towards the Loader. Once the gap between the two had been closed, Zinyak smacked Saturn with one of the mech's arms and opened fire at the robot's legs. One of the legs soon gave way, and snapped like a twig under Zinyak's fire. Zinyak then aimed his fire at the main body of Saturn. Soon enough, Saturn began malfunctioning and, deciding his work was done, Zinyak moved on, the Loader succumbing to its damages and exploding behind him.
After a while, Zinyak spotted a lone figure running through the streets. Handsome Jack seemed to be making a run for it. This would not do, if he escaped he could launch a counterattack. Zinyak opened fire at Jack, who stopped in his tracks, unscathed but paralyzed in fear.
"Well, well, well. You look smaller and less threatening in person. Ah well, I hope you've said your prayers, maggot." Zinyak's voice bellowed from the mech.
"No, Please!" Jack begged, but it was too late.
The mech's foot rose and stomped down on Jack, crushing him.
"That was surprisingly easy," Zinyak said to himself. "Who knew a sniveling worm like him could lead such an annoyingly persistent army. Ah well, his forces shouldn't last long"
However, behind Zinyak, someone was clapping sarcastically. Zinyak turned around and to his surprise, Jack was standing from a rooftop, alive.
"Hey, great job, jackass. You killed my body double." Jack yelled from above.
Zinyak fired up his mech's rocket lifts and jumped onto the rooftop. His mech towered over Jack.
"And what makes you think I can't simply crush you again?" Zinyak scoffed.
Jack's reply was simple. "That." He pointed behind the Zin's mech.
Zinyak turned around to witness the ground burst open and a huge monster climb from the newly formed hole in the ground.
"Meet The Warrior" said Jack. "It's an ancient super weapon made to rip scumbags like you apart."
Zinyak opened fire at the beast's face, which barely flinched as it climbed onto the building with ease. It became clear that The Warrior was larger than even the War Mech, and the beast attempted to crush Zinyak with one claw. The rooftop gave way as Zinyak, The Warrior and Jack fell into the building.
The Warrior crouched and from its mouth came a huge concentrated burst of fire, which severed one of the War Mech's arms. Zinyak charged forward and blasted The Warrior's face with high powered laser fire. The Warrior flinched as Zinyak got close and blasted The Warrior's chest. part of it's rocky shell was blasted away, revealing a more vulnerable core that leaked out lava. Zinyak continued fire, the Warrior backing away from the pain. Eventually, the beast backed itself out the window and plummeted into the abyss below. Jack screamed in disbelief as huge explosion came from the abyss, shaking the ground. The Warrior had fallen.
Zinyak turned to Jack, who was on the other side of the room, his back to a broken window that oversaw a cliff.
"Is that all you have to muster, a simple monster?!" Zinyak said, growing annoyed. "I've grown tired of your games. It's time to end this!"
"Oh no, this isn't over, not by a long shot!" Jack said, seemingly in denial. He tossed something Zinyak's way. It exploded into a cloud of corrosive gas and liquid at Zinyak's Mech's feet.
"What...Is this?!" Zinyak said as the corrosion tore through his mech's heavy armor.
Soon enough, Zinyak was forced to break out of his mech, as the corrosion was quickly melting the mech down into slag, and he stood face to face with the man that had been annoyingly persistent.
"You may have destroyed my War Mech and decimated my army, human, but this is where you die!!!" Zinyak yelled.
Suddenly, outside, the BNK-3R floated towards a window behind Handsome Jack. It's many mechanical eyes stared into the building as it bellowed a stream of robotic gibberish. The Hyperion President looked behind himself as he climbed out the window and on top of the BNK-3R.
"Yeah, sorry pal, but I got some business to attend to. Later, jackass" Jack said as the BNK-3R began to fly away.
"You aren't getting away that easily" Zinyak said as he ran towards the window. The Zin Emperor leapt out the window and grabbed onto the side of the BNK-3R as it flew away, and climbed on top of it, facing Jack.
Zinyak ran towards Jack, who launched a few blasts of energy at Zinyak. Zinyak shrugged them off and slammed Jack with his fist. Jack was launched into his back, and Zinyak stood over him. The Zin emperor picked Jack up by his neck.
"Any last words?" Zinyak said.
Suddenly, Zin ships began attacking BNK-3R with heavy laser cannons. Sustaining heavy damages, the robot could barely keep itself airborne, and began losing altitude quickly. Zinyak dropped Jack as the two held onto the BNK-3R, bracing for a heavy landing.
CRASH!
The BNK-3R crash landed and exploded onto the Arid Badlands, leaving the desert wasteland littered with it's metallic remains. Two figures rose from the debris, Zinyak and Handsome Jack. Zinyak, in a rage, ran at Jack and knocked him down again. He held Jack up by the neck and prepared to kill. Jack struggled in Zinyak's grasp but all was for naught as Zinyak crushed Jack's neck with ease.
Satisfied, Zinyak was about to drop Jack's limp body to the ground when it disappeared in his grasp, almost as if it was a hologram. Zinyak had simply killed a Digi-Jack. Stunned, Zinyak turned around as if to see where Jack had gone when he came face to face with an arm mounted blaster pointed straight at his face, connected to a still-alive Jack.
"Surprise!" Jack said as he blasted Zinyak point blank. Zinyak held his face and screamed in agony. He faltered back and fell against a rock wall. Sitting, Zinyak removed his hand from his face revealing that Jack had blasted out one of his eyes.
Jack stood over Zinyak and pressed his blaster against the Zin's jaw.
"I'm going to enjoy blasting your smug-ass face clean off." Jack said, in a low angry voice.
Zinyak coughed and weakly said "You may kill me, but I assure you that my army will avenge me. You will die a slow and painful death. I assure you that."
"Yeah, I seriously doubt that." Jack replied
Jack let loose a full powerful blast of energy, launching Zinyak's head off. Jack caught the Zin's disembodied head in midair and held it up to his face.
"Now then." Jack said to Zinyak's lifeless head, "How about we discuss diplomacy?"
Results[]
K.O!
(Wild Skags approached Zinyak's headless corpse and began eating it)
(Jack entered the war torn Opportunity holding Zinyak's head up. The remaining Zin forces immediately bowed before their new leader)
BS: That....was....beautiful.
W: Both armies were very evenly matched, but Jack's far more varied army beat out Zinyak's in the end. While Zinyak's CIDs could provide shielding, Jack's Surveyors could do so at a far greater distance and could even repair troops.
BS: Plus, there are just way too many types of Hyperion forces compared to the Zin, who had very little ways to adapt. Plus, the Wardens, while powerful, aren't as formidable as Super Badass Loaders.
W: In addition Zinyak didn't have anything in his army other than himself that could compare to some of Jack's stronger robots such as Saturn or BNK-3R. And while yes, Zinyak's War Mech is powerful, Jack's corrosive grenades could easily take down it's armor.
BS: Plus, Jack has way more tricks up his sleeves in one-to-one combat than Zinyak, whose combat strategy just boils down to blindly attacking something until it stops moving.
W: Jack's ability to summon Digi-Jacks would end up confusing Zinyak and leaving him open to counterattack as he attacked the wrong Jack.
BS: Zinyak was just in over his head.
W: The Winner is Handsome Jack.