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Description[]
Adult Swim's Xavier: Renegade Angel vs Joel G's ENA! Once the fertile eggs of rambunctious ramblings and grotesque graphics had joined to become one and entered the uterus of the humorous, the collective entertainment medium soon gave birth to a beautiful pair of twins; Xavier: Renegade Angel and ENA. But when a higher power from above demands a debacle of wits and shits, only one can live to see the night. Will Xavier be forced to ascend and truly become an angel, or must ENA enact eternal rest?
Intermission[]
Wiz: Xavier, Adult Swim's shallow shaman with not a singular tight screw and an everspeaking mouth.
Boomstick: ENA, a special species' representative whose mood swings more than I do!
Wiz: When these two... wait, what?!
Boomstick: Ah, it's all jokes of course, Wiz... or is it?
Wiz: Boomstick, this is incredibly out of pocket, you can't-
Boomstick: And out of pocket is exactly what these two are all about! You never know where their tales are headed next, you just gotta sit there and expect the worst! But what would happen if they were to meet and had to fight to the death? Well, let's find out right now!
Wiz: ...
Boomstick: See, kids, that's what us professionals like to call "setting up a segue to your buddy's detriment". They never see it coming. He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.
Wiz: ...and it is our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win... a Death Battle.
Deaf Butthole[]
(Cue: Xavier: Renegade Angel Theme Song)
Wiz: Years. Decades. Centuries. Millenia. Eons. Epoch after epoch, the human race has achieved a lot in the many million years they have been present on Earth. From wandering through foreign regions, establishing new cultures and ways of living around the globe, to the modern day, where all of our progress either flourishes in the day, or is forgotten by the night. Our evolution is a spectacle.
Boomstick: We've studied many arts over that enormously long timespan, aiming to perfect all of them. You'd think that, in a show like this, we'll obviously be focusing on the evolution of our combat systems. We've come a long way from our ancestors having used blunt wooden stumps and heavy rocks to clobber a mammoth to death. Now, when faced with an imminent threat, we pull out a gun and shoot that son of a bitch.
Wiz: Of course, it's not that simple. While we'd love to elaborate more on that at a later point, what is actually the primary topic at hand is the world of healing. Us humans have had many different ideas of how to heal one from injury, be it physical or mental. Nowadays, medicine for headaches or operations for serious diseases are commonplace, but it was far from that early on.
Pop-Up: We used to prescribe what are now drugs to children. Also, who thought lobotomies were gonna work?!
Boomstick: But while we learned from the errors of our ways and can now offer remedies for what could've easily killed back then, divine healing has kinda fallen out of fashion. And that's a shame! Nowadays, you can't go to some old wise man in a tent who could cure you of woe with the power of spirits, no, now you need to see a doctor, who would give you medicine that tastes like cherry! That's boring, is it not?
Wiz: Well, I wouldn't exactly call modern medicine 'boring', per se, it's still fascinating what can be done with natural resources and efficient teamwork.
Boomstick: Eh, a wise dude in a tent who can talk to spirits is still cooler.
Wiz: ...sure, whatever you say, Boomstick.
Boomstick: But, lucky for us, there's still a saving grace that continues to keep the tradition of spiritual healing alive.
Wiz: Oh, yes, of course. Coming from a long line of shamans from across the world, this individual is incredibly well-informed about their practices and the words that they preach, and has already improved the lives of many hundreds, or even thousands, or once problem-plagued people.
Boomstick: I know we speak highly of them, but, believe us, once you see their practices in action, you will not actually regret doubting us, for they will teach you to embrace your errors. But you might not be able to keep your attention on their words, for you will be encapsulated by their... good looks... and... hot muscles...
(Music cuts out)
Boomstick: Wiz, does this script seem a little odd to you?
Wiz: Yeah, uh, this isn't what I had written down last time I checked. Someone must've tampered with it.
Boomstick: Who would dare tamper with our script?!
[Their annoyance is interrupted by a knocking coming from the door located at the room's right side.]
Wiz: Ah, must be the delivery guy. Just what I need right now. I'll go open it for him.
Boomstick: I'll come with you. Can't wait for that hamburger!
[Wiz & Boomstick wander out of sight to open the door. Just a few seconds after they left, their voices can be heard yelling, the volume decreasing with every second.]
Pop-Up: ...hello? Wiz? Boomstick?
[Suddenly, something begins moving from behind the camera, muttering to itself. This being soon enters the camera to reveal- oh, for god's sake.]
Xavier: Greetings, genitals and ladlemen!
Pop-Up: WHAT?!
Xavier: It seems the previous hosts have entered a state scientifically known as 'gone', which is why I shall take over for now.
Pop-Up: How did you even get here?! This room is for employees only!
Xavier: You'd be surprised at how far a skin suit gets you. Now, then, let Papa Xavier provide the populus with a proper anal cyst!
Pop-Up: Analysis.
Xavier: That's what I said.
(Cue Xavier: Renegade Angel Theme Song)
Biography:[]
- Name: Xavier
- Age: >18
- Height: ~7 ft.
- Likes: Preaching his words of knowledge, helping people
- Dislikes: Injustice
- Is perhaps a little odd by our standards
Xavier: Now, let's converse about the phenomenon known as life (life, life...), or, more on the nosey, the life (life, life...) of I. Where doth me starteth? Oh, yeth, my birthth! One could claim I was no good but a bastard son, who wrangled his way out of his mommy despite nature's wishes to keep a being like I unalive (live, live...). But little old me had other plans, and I popped out of there like it wasn't my first time. Nature did not take kindly to that, which is why it has sent many a woe my way, yet despite this, I have managed to surpass all, and now I stand here, living to tell the audience a tale of a boy, who one could claim was no good but a bastard son...
Pop-Up: ...I'll just summarize for him. Xavier didn't have an easy childhood. Having been abandoned as a child by being sent down a river, he grew up as an orphan, and, due to his outlandish appearance, was prone to being bullied, even by the adults that are supposed to prevent such. In his teens-
Xavier: Hey there, pop-bud! This is my cyst to discuss, and I need no invisible ass-cyst-ant!
Pop-Up: ...fine. Sure. Go wild.
Xavier: Appreciations your way. Now, medium-sized older me soon learned about something that would integrate itself into the crevices of his flesh pulp of the mind for the fractures of eons it has taken me to get to this point in time. And that something... is pornography.
Pop-Up: Huh?!
Xavier: Let me tell you my first experience with adult media. You see, when [This section has been manually removed by the higher-ups due to explicit content featuring one of the hosts, sexual imagery, and a hamster. Your facial organs deserve better than to be subjected to this. We apologize for the interruption.] and then it went BOOM! Now, I always remember to use proper protection.
Pop-Up: ...I have nothing to add.
Xavier: But I do! You see, once I-
Pop-Up: No, no, we get it, we get it, let's just, uh, move on, alright?
Xavier: If thou in-cyst. In that time, I also became enlightened by a nifty knick-knack known as the Spirit Realm. It was then when I knew what I wanted to become. I wanted to be a healer, wandering from town to town, rambling on about my teachings, and maybe grant a fortune here or there, like a true shaman ought to do.
Pop-Up: Now, he wasn't particularly... good at his job, per se...
Xavier: I sense a discriminatory implication. Cease thy slander!
Pop-Up: It's true, though.
Xavier: Oh, true though, Trudeau, strudel! This is my reign to yap in, so keep quiet until needed!
Pop-Up: Ugh... promise not to spread any blatant misinformation.
Xavier: In no way would I ruin Mr. Information's marriage like that.
Pop-Up: Okay, good.
Xavier: Ahem... but, not everything would be so bright to my enlightened eyes, or rather, it got a lot brighter, and I got a lot more enlightened, because my family's house caught on fire. It was then when I lost my dear father, but his death seemed... fishy. So, as I wander and ramble, I ponder and scramble about what truly caused my father to totter and tremble on that fateful day, and I've sworn to avenge his legacy by slaughtering and... what else rhymes with ramble in a violent context?
Pop-Up: No idea.
Xavier: The point has been made. Now, I shall report on my repertoire of abilities, initiating this section with a glance at my physical arsenal.
Abilities:[]
- Reality Warping
- Superhuman Resistance
- Superhuman Strength
- Superhuman Durability
- Soup-er Truman
Pop-Up: The hell's a Soup-er Truman?
Xavier: Over the course of my travels, I have shown several quite impressive feats involving my bodily limits. I regularly take severe beatings from troubled folks, but, even with ever increasing numbers of culprits, I end up fine. But that is far from my most impressive showing. Thou observeth, I've not only survived mere human assaults, but also collapses of towns! Countries! Continents! Planets! Universes! And I ate all of those away like they were bacon, because I eat catastrophic crises for breakfast.
Genuine Pop-Up: Feats like this aren't even outliers in the XRA universe, as major destructions like this happen a very concerning number of times.
Xavier: But, if all else fails, I still have my trusty shakashuri! This thing's accompanied me ever since I recieved it from Chief.
Genuine Pop-Up: The shakashuri is mainly what gives Xavier the ability to warp reality, as it can-
Xavier: Make no mistake, bud. I would not dare use the shakashuri for anything beyond it's intended purpose. After all, what is an instrument but a mental instruction towards a harmonious cacophony of idylly-dally for constructing idyllic valleys, and not an element of destruction towards a hazardous catastrophe made for killing families?
Pop-Up: ...what?
Xavier: Reader, what I need you to understand, is that I am no man prone to violence. Nor am I a man. I am merely a something, aiming to make love, not war. I will make love to the men, the women, the children, to everyone in the world! (World, world, world...)
(Awkward silence)
Xavier: My Freudian slipped.
Weaknesses:[]
- Is fairly stupid
- Rejects direct combat (unless he thinks he's helping, which is... pretty much all the time)
- Massive ego can be exploited
Xavier: Now, at this stage, I am meant to discuss my weaknesses. But, I have no weakness. Unless you count the weakness to the wrong that is done to our planet Earth. I always get shaky in the knees just thinking about how us humans treat our mother. Disgraceful...
Pop-Up: I mean, there are a couple right there.
Xavier: Huh?! What is this? This list con-cyst-s of lies! (lies, lies...) This cyst-em is rigged, I demand to speak to your boss!
Pop-Up: You kinda sent them through a portal, so, uh, tough luck.
Xavier: Dagnabbit!
[A knock from the same door is heard. Surely, Xavier wouldn't fall for his own- oh, no, he's walking towards it.]
Xavier (distant): Huh? Who are you?
Other Xavier (distanter): Me? Who are you? Wait... I am you!
Xavier (distant): No, I am you!
Other Xavier (distanter): I am you... IMU... I got it! I need to build a rocket!
[The door slams shut, and Xavier returns to the set.]
Xavier: Geez, what a weirdo.
Pop-Up: I kinda hoped you'd fall in too.
Xavier: Oh, please, as if I would fall for something like that! I am a lot smarter than you-
Pop-Up: I heard your mother is waiting outside.
Xavier: My mommy?!
[Xavier runs off to the left side of the studio and jumps out of a window. It's awfully quiet without him around...]
Pop-Up: Ugh, finally... have I already told you that he slept with his mother once?
-
Xavier: I'm a survivor, we're a dying breed.
Meanwhile, with Wiz & Boomstick...[]
Wiz: ...hm?
Wiz is the first to open his eyes after the tumble down, what felt like, and endless tunnel. He lifts his head and takes a quick peek around, his tiredness preventing him from making out anything properly. As it begins to set aside though, he slowly realizes what this place is...
Wiz: Oh, no... no, no, no...
He was in the center of a circular room, a dozen colourful doors plastered all around the walls. He knew what was about to go down, and saying he wasn't excited for it would be an understatement.
Boomstick, who was also in the midst of regaining his senses, was going to be a lot unhappier.
Boomstick: Ugh... man, that hurt. Where are we, anyways?
...
Boomstick: Oh, come on! This place? Why did we- huh? Why is my dialogue not bold anymore?!
Wiz: Oh, yeah, it's in italics now. I kind of like it that way.
Boomstick: Well, I don't!
Wiz: Look, Boomstick, the font of our dialogue is the least of our worries right now.
Boomstick: Eh, fine, I guess you're right...
After a few seconds of silence, Boomstick slowly walks towards a brown door, Wiz's eyes curiously following him.
Wiz: Uh, where are you going?
Boomstick: Tryin' out the doors, of course.
Wiz: But how do we know if it's a hazard or not?
Boomstick: How do you think?
Boomstick pulls the door open and hops right through the entrance, much to Wiz's dismay. In an act of panic, he follows his co-worker into the portal, wherever it may take him.
-
The two hosts land weirdly gracefully in a pixelated grass field, which, quickly becoming obvious, was far from the only thing that hurts to look at for too long. Strangely enough, neither Wiz nor Boomstick are affected.
Boomstick: Ah, geez, the landing could've been a lot softer...
Wiz: Where did we land, anyways?
That question would answer itself, as, not too far off in the distance, the duo could spot an uncrowded city, the only sign of life being a truck driving down the road. But, wait, there's more! There seem to be two random teens on top of a turquoise truck, one of them has just kicked the other into a pile of trash... oh.
Boomstick: ...goddammit.
ENA - Absurdist Beauty[]
[Jocelyn and DUMMI are in the studio, the former fiddling around with some electronics on the main TV, the latter merely observing her at work while conversing with whoever runs these pop-ups.]
Pop-Up: And them I told him to jump out of a window, and guess what? He actually did. Funniest shit I've ever seen.
DUMMI: Ha ha ha. That sounds hilarious.
Pop-Up: I can never tell when you're genuine while laughing, I swear.
DUMMI: I never am. I lack the required emotional memory space.
Pop-Up: Ah. Damn.
Jocelyn: Aaalright! I've managed to combine digital models of Wiz & Boomstick with code from a foreign source, and if everything goes well, this should be able to temporarily bring the two back.
Pop-Up: Do your magic.
[Jocelyn presses a button, and, lo and behold, two figures resembling Wiz & Boomstick, although far more choppy and malformed than their real counterparts, manifest themselves into the studio.]
(Cue: icosa by Oliver Buckland)
Wiz: Why, what a pleasure to have been invited here! Salutations, my fellow employees of this fine establishment! Refer to me as the Great Mage, and my amiable sidekick, the Humble Lumberjack!
Boomstick: Yes! That's right!
Wiz: I sure would be honored to be in charge, alongside my companion, to handle the research on this rather quite intriguing character you have chosen to place into a... what is it called again? Cadaver Conundrum? Night-Night Fight? Degradation Discombobulation?
Pop-Up: Death Battle.
Wiz: Oh, of course, certainly, obviously, why did I not think of that beforehand? A Death Battle! So, why do we not make haste and get on with the analysis? Isn't that right, Humble Lumberjack?
Boomstick: Yes! That's right!
Pop-Up: ...good enough. Welcome back, Wiz and Boomstick. For now.
(Cue: backroom labyrinth by Oliver Buckland)
Biography:[]
- Name: Extractable Nuclear Antigen
- Age: Ageless
- Height: 9 ft.
- Likes: Moony
- Dislikes: People, vegetables, social occasions, this lousy mask
- Apparently smells like chocolate milk
The Great Mage: Why, what a peculiar specimen we present to you! Or, I would rather say, specimina! You see, this ENA fellow isn't just one singular entity, oh no, not at all, it is much rather an entire species, whose representatives just so happen to all look identical to one another! An oddity to behold!
The Humble Lumberjack: Yes, indeed! Quite the conundrum!
The Great Mage: As for where this species resides in or where its roots are embedded... that, dear reader, I regret to inform you, I cannot answer. The world of ENA is incredibly complex, and we are not given many direct answers to our many questions. Most is either scattered throughout in the form of hints or up to the viewer's interpretation.
The Humble Lumberjack: Wow! How cool!
Pop-Up: Hey, uh, Boomsti-
The Humble Lumberjack: Humble Lumberjack is the name!
Pop-Up: ...right, "Humble Lumberjack", can you perhaps, like, talk more, Wiz is-
The Great Mage: Great Mage is the name!
Pop-Up: Right, right, "The Great Mage" is carrying the whole thing otherwise.
The Humble Lumberjack: Hm... okay, can do!
Pop-Up: Alright, nice. You can speak again, Wi- I mean, "Great Mage".
The Great Mage: Much, much appreciated. Speaking of the world of this absurd series, let us take a closer look at what makes it so odd.
The Humble Lumberjack: Yes, of course!
The Great Mage: There does not seem to be a day of rest from all the abnormalities thrown at the citizens of this existence. You can have gods wandering around like it were a normal Tuesday afternoon, giant chunks of debris falling from the sky like droplets of rain or clumps of hail, an army of mannequins standing staticly in one place as if they had been glued there, and the list goes on and on and on.
The Humble Lumberjack: But the question remains. Can this wacky environment bestow great powers upon someone, and perhaps even the ability to defeat their opponent?
Pop-Up: That's the spirit.
The Great Mage: Well, why do we not check out what our combatant has to offer in the ability department?
Genuine Pop-Up: Due to the overall nature of the ENA series and the lack of clear explanations for much of what happens, an ENAs abilites have to mostly be interpreted by oneself.
(Cue: Hourglass Meadow by Oliver Buckland)
Abilities:[]
- Immortality
- Body Manipulation/Transmutation
- Static Vomit
- Gunmanship
The Great Mage: Due to ENA taking place inside of a computer simulation, it would only be fair to assume that an ENA is bound to the world around her. Thus, following this logic, actually killing an ENA becomes a lot, lot harder, if it is even possible at that point.
The Humble Lumberjack: But that is not all! If an ENA does somehow happen to die in a way that does not involve messing with the simulation, there will just be another one, and another, and another! We are never given an exact number of entities that belong to their species, which means that numbers high up in the -illions and perhaps even an infinite number of specimina are not completely out of the question.
Wiz: But a very definitive numbers advantage is not everything these creatures have to offer! As shown multiple times across their rather limited catalogue of videos, an ENA has been shown to be able to detach limbs, gain new features on a whim, rearrange her form, mess with her temple, alter her altar, mody her body-
Pop-Up: Wrong series you're referencing.
The Great Mage: Ah, my dearest apologies! Well, the point is, an ENA is very versatile with her body parts and how she chooses to arrange them.
The Humble Lumberjack: But, even if all else fails, there is still a trick an ENA has up her sleeve, and that trick is a nifty little something called Static Vomit! While it does not have a big effect in her own world besides making a mess, that does not translate over to the real world, does she happen to end up there. You see, it corrupts the affected surface into something you would see in a simulation!
The Great Mage: This is not just a random assumption. A situation similar to this has happened in the very first episode of her opponent's home series, thus making the assumption her vomit can do the same plausible.
Genuine Pop-Up: This is, however, only a personal interpretation of how the vomit would react, so take this statement with a grain of salt.
The Great Mage: Before we move on, there is still something we ought to add to the discussion, a very important ally to an ENA, a very, very important ally, very, very and much, much... imperch.
The Humble Lumberjack: Moony is the name! Yes!
Pop-Up: You were doing so well.
The Great Mage: Moony is, as the name suggests, a sentient moon-like entity which claims an ENA as her best friend, and vice versa. She provides an ENA with a comfy method of transportation via flight, and has got some other minor abilities which could be useful when assimilating a threat, like an extendable hand, which can be used to shove whole people in her hole.
Pop-Up: Pause.
(Music Pauses)
The Great Mage: What's the matter, good pal?
Pop-Up: That sounded... very suggestive, very, very- ah, damn, I'm doing it too now. Case in point, please reword it.
The Great Mage: Hmmm... how about 'insert' whole people?
Pop-Up: Nah, still doesn't feel right.
The Great Mage: 'Slip in'?
Pop-Up: Nope.
The Great Mage: 'Penetrate'?
Pop-Up: That's even worse.
The Great Mage: 'Drag'?
Pop-Up: I... guess that works, yeah.
(Music continues)
The Great Mage: Excellent! Now, we may proceed onto the final section of this analysis, that being an ENA's weaknesses! Turns out, this species comes with a few flaws as well, but, really, what species does not?
The Humble Lumberjack: Yes! That's right!
Pop-Up: Hey, you, uh... Humber Lumber something, can you speak normally again?
The Humble Lumberjack: What do you imply?
Pop-Up: ...that you speak weirdly?
The Great Mage: Well, that is no way to converse with a co-worker of yours!
Pop-Up: Temporary co-worker, you mean. As soon as Wiz and Boomstick are back, you'll probably get removed again.
The Great Mage: You would not dare!
Pop-Up: Y'know what? Let me show you an example. Just gotta enter a couple commands and-
(Music stops)
...
Additional Notice: Huh, that sure felt strange. I feel as though I was about to do something mean-spirited. Well, am I sure glad I no longer long to do such!
[The screen cuts to the two digital hosts, 'TGM (The Great Mage') standing at the same spot Jocelyn stood in prior, and 'THL (The Humble Lumberjack)'... not doing anything of notability.]
The Great Mage: That was... concerningly easy. If you can re-write the code of these infoboxes this quickly, who knows what you could do to everyone else, this whole building, the world... ah, who am I kidding, far too grand a goal to aim for.
['TGM' somehow manually takes out the source code from the computer and hands it over to 'THL']
The Great Mage: Could you perhaps throw this out of the window for me? I can handle the weaknesses myself.
The Humble Lumberjack: Yes, of course!
['THJ' takes the code and walks away from the set, leaving 'TGM' alone.]
The Great Mage: We do truly apologize for the short interruption, let us not waste any more time than necessary!
(Cue: vacillate by Oliver Buckland)
Weaknesses:[]
- Emotionally unstable/Prone to sudden mood swings
- Lacks direct combat experience
The Great Mage: One of the defining factors of an ENA is her tendency to rapidly switch from one emotion to another. This could possibly serve as a disadvantage on the battefield, given it leaves her vulnerable to attacks. Additionally, we are never really shown an ENA engaging in any sort of combat directly, thus not giving her much experience to work with. Nonetheless, if you spot an ENA in the wild, your safest bet is to not ruffle any feathers.
['THL' returns.]
The Humble Lumberjack: Another job well done.
The Great Mage: How so very convenient! Well, I suppose all we do now is wait...
[Silence...]
The Great Mage: Well, this sure will be quite the tedious task.
The Humble Lumberjack: Indeed!
Additional Notice: Could not have formulated that thought better, dear chum.
-
ENA: Eh, no no no, that was very weird. What is wrong with you?