Description[]
A battle between Marvel's most famous healing mutants, let's see who wins.
Interlude[]
Wiz: Mutants, a unique race of humans that are genetically superior to the normal race.
Boomstick: Each mutant has their own set of powers, from weather control to regeneration!
Wiz: And no two mutants show the latter power better than today’s combatants!
Boomstick: Deadpool, the merc with a mouth.
Wiz: And Wolverine, the weapon X.
Boomstick: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
Deadpool[]
Wiz: Wade Wilson was once an efficient trained killer, and he still is, but now as Deadpool.
Boomstick: After he learned that he had cancer, he ended up in a privately funded and fucked up organization that promised to cure him!
Wiz: While they did cure him of his cancer, he was physically and mentally scarred. At least that's the story we were given in the movies. In the comics, it's not that simple.
Boomstick: And by not that simple, we mean full-on amnesia! Yep, that's right, this guy doesn't even remember his backstory! Hell, he isn't even sure if his real name is Wade Wilson!
Wiz: What he does know is that he is a fictional comic book character. Being known to commonly break the fourth wall, which is something only a few Marvel characters can do.
Boomstick: He also knows that he loves chimichangas! He loves them so much that it seems like the only food he's willing to eat! Just like me and beer.
Wiz: Well, when your cells are constantly regenerating 24/7, you're bound to figure out that a healthy diet is meaningless.
Boomstick: Wait, he doesn't need to eat anything healthy?! Wiz, I gotta get me some regenerative powers ASAP! One million beers here I come!
Wiz: Regeneration isn't the only thing Wade is hiding up his most-likely bloody sleeve. He is also a master of martial arts, and seems to know how to use virtually any weapon you throw at him.
Boomstick: Hell, it doesn't even have to be weapons, he's so good that he used the skeletal remains of his world’s Wolverine to fight off an entire squad of time-soldier-people!
Wiz: He's also infamous for his constant fourth-wall breaking. He loves addressing the reader or Marvel directly.
Boomstick: The funny thing is that nobody else has any idea what he's talking about! He seems to be insane to everyone else, while we and him know what's actually going on.
Wiz: Unlike most fourth-wall breakers however, he cannot use the fact that he's in a comic to his advantage. So no grabbing text bubbles, traveling between panels, or outright retconning events.
Boomstick: While that might make him a less impressive fourth-wall breaker, he has many other skills and abilities that give him an edge over most of his fellow comedians.
Wiz: Such as his Hammerspace. Similar to the characters of the Looney Tunes cartoons, Deadpool can seemingly pull any of his weapons out of nowhere.
Boomstick: That's right! Someone could be about to finish him off, and he suddenly pulls out a nuclear bomb and blows them both up!
Wiz: Now he can't go to that extent, but he can pull various firearms and blades from his own Hammerspace.
Boomstick: Deadpool’s got lots of weapons to pull out of his ass! Like his most famous weapons, his twin steel katanas named Bea and Arthur!
Wiz: He has mastered the art of wielding his two katanas, and he has shown the ability to mow down entire squads of guards or soldiers with nothing but his swords.
Boomstick: But the weapons don't end there. Deadpool always has pistols, revolvers, machine guns, AKs, rocket launchers, disintegration guns, and even a sword that freaking negates healing powers available to him at nearly all times!
Wiz: Along with his teleporter and magic satchel, he has a weapon for virtually any occasion.
Boomstick: But none of those are as useful as his greatest weapon, his mouth! Yep, his mouth is his best weapon!
Wiz: As stupid as that sounds, it's not entirely false. Deadpool’s quick-thinking and wit allow him to distract his enemies, enrage them, confuse them, or really invoke any emotion he wants.
Boomstick: And he uses his mouth a lot, and I do mean a lot. About to die, tell a joke. About to kill someone, say a joke! Just lost his girlfriend, well he waits a few minutes but then he cracks a joke!
Wiz: Even if we remove his weapons, Wade is still very much a threat. His regenerative abilities have let him survive and do incredible things, such as surviving a building falling on his face.
Boomstick: Being ripped in half, turned into nothing but a skeleton, and even survived a nuke at ground zero!
Wiz: He's not just good at surviving, he's also incredible at killing. A few of his memorable fighting feats are when he killed 8 trained soldiers before they could even react, defeated 100 ninjas while on his phone, and even outwitted the Taskmaster.
Boomstick: And let's not forget the time he killed the entire Marvel universe, twice! Yeah, he decided to do it a-freaking-gain!
Wiz: The fact that Deadpool managed to kill an entire Marvel universe just shows how threatening he truly is, and is to not be underestimated.
“You may be wondering, why the red suit? Well, that's so bad guys can't see me bleed. This guy’s got the right idea; he wore the brown pants.”
Wolverine[]
Wiz: In the wild world of the X-Men, there's only one hero who truly stands out as the fan-favorite.
Boomstick: Wolverine, the yellow-spandex wearing mutant!
Wiz: And over the years this hero has shown to be quite a formidable foe, so let's see exactly how he will be able to take on the infamous merc with a mouth.
Boomstick: James Howlett, AKA Logan, AKA Wolverine has gone through quite a lot throughout his many comics and movies.
Wiz: Originally his claws were made of bone, but during the 1940s Logan found himself involved with a shady organization known as Department K. This organization ended up being responsible for bonding the adamantium to Wolverine’s skeleton, making him virtually indestructible.
Boomstick: And they called him the Weapon X!
Wiz: After escaping from the department and slaughtering all the doctor's, Logan wandered the wilderness, fought with the Hulk, and eventually joined the X-Men.
Boomstick: And now he has become the poster-child for the team, which I'm sure he's extremely happy about.
Wiz: One of Wolverine’s abilities is his animal-like senses which allow him to smell other people from a distance, and seems to have a sense of danger that keeps him alert.
Boomstick: He also has sick as hell retractable claws, now made of adamantium!
Wiz: But of course his most useful abilities are his regenerative powers. He has shown to be able to regenerate from things like decapitation, near-complete disintegration, and getting shot through the head multiple times.
Boomstick: And his adamantium skeleton also helps, as it mostly ensures that he has something to regenerate from no matter what hits him.
Wiz: However there have been times where he was successfully killed. One of the more notable times was when he got thrown into a pit of massive man-eating bugs who ate him faster than he could regenerate.
Boomstick: So he's not completely unkillable, but under normal circumstances he is.
Wiz: He's not just a pretty face, as he has shown incredible feats of strength and power, such as that time he lifted an entire great white shark.
Boomstick: That doesn't sound that impressive Wiz, are you sure that's even a notable feat?
Wiz: If we take the average weight of a great white, which is around 3,500 lbs/1587.6 kg. And then we divide it by Wolverine’s canon weight, which is 300 lbs/131.6 kg, that tells us that he just lifted 11.6 times his weight.
Boomstick: Oh, well, now that you use boring science words it makes it sound more impressive.
Wiz: Anyway, Wolverine has also shown to be an incredible killer. During the Old Man Logan comic line, the super villain Mysterio uses his illusions to make all of the X-Men look like various super villains. After being told that they killed his teammates, Logan goes berserk and tears through them all, not realizing he's actually killing his friends.
Boomstick: Now that's another level of messed up!
Wiz: Yes, and it's not even his most impressive feat. During the Marvel vs DC crossover comics, Wolverine was put up against Lobo, and he won.
Boomstick: Wait Lobo? Like, the DC super-villain who is known to beat the crap out of Superman?
Wiz: Yes, that Lobo. Wolverine was able to defeat and kill Lobo, who as Boomstick stated is known to be able to defeat Superman multiple times.
Boomstick: Deadpool is going to have a lot of trouble with this guy, especially if he's able to beat up guys like Lobo.
Wiz: Yes he is, and Wolverine will make sure to show exactly why he is the X-Men poster child.
“I'm the best there is at what I do, but what I do isn't very nice.”
Intermission[]
Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set. We’ve run the data through all possibilities.
Boomstick: It's time for a Death Battle!
Pre-Fight[]
A familiar red-suited superhero kicks the door down to an apartment. The mercenary then turns to the camera and waves, “Oh hello there, I'm about to go get my very own movie, again!” He says, winking at the camera and then turning to face the owner of the apartment.
“Wade, what the hell are you doing here?” A man who looks to be in his mid-30s asks.
Wade smiles under his mask, “Oh I'm here to convince Fox to let me have another movie, what are YOU doing here, Logan?”
Logan scoffs at the mercenary, “I live here, now get out before I make you.”
Deadpool laughs, “Oh don't worry, I won't take long. Listen, I just need to fondle your balls and I'll be done!”
3 claws suddenly protract out of Logan’s hands as he narrows his eyes, “What did you just say, bub?”
Deadpool winks at the camera as he hovers his hand over his pistol, “You heard me Wolvie.”
“You know Wade, you're nothing but a joke, so get out before I make your life serious for once.” Logan says, which provokes another laugh from Deadpool.
“Oh wow, you realize my life is very serious and sad, unlike yours mr. X-Men superstar.” Wade says, which angers Logan.
“You're a joke, a pathetic and unlikable joke Wade. Nobody will love you, and you're destined to die alone, if only you could die.” Logan says, which shocks Deadpool, leaving an awkward silence for about 8 seconds.
“I'm going to fight you now.” Deadpool says with no hint of comedy in his tone.
Wolverine laughs, “Ha! You're joking, right?”
Deadpool answers his question by shooting Logan in the shoulder, knocking him to the ground, “Does that answer your fucking question?!”
Fight![]
Wolverine growls as he gets up and lunges at Deadpool, tackling him to the ground and stabbing his claws into the merc’s chest. Deadpool grunts and rapid-fires two pistols into both of Wolverine’s sides. Logan lets out a scream as he gets kicked off of the mercenary and rolls into a table, knocking it over.
Deadpool flips to his feet as he pulls out a submachine gun and begins rapid-firing at Wolverine before he can stand back up. Logan grunts as he uses his claws to start deflecting the bullets around the area, which leads to Deadpool getting shot quite a few times before he runs out of ammo. Wolvie stands up and charges at Deadpool, who steps to the side, letting the X-Man slam headfirst into a wall. Before Logan can get back up, Deadpool takes out one of his katanas and attempts to decapitate the mutant, but gets stopped by the adamantium skeleton.
“Nice try bub, but I'm practically indestructible.” Wolverine says as he stabs his claws through Deadpool’s head and slams him into the door, breaking it. Wade attempts to stand back up, but Wolverine throws him into another wall. Wolverine walks over to the injured Deadpool, stabs him in the shoulders and picks him up, "Listen Wade, I really do want to hurt you, but I don't want to do it right now. So please just leave this goddamn apartment."
Deadpool laughs as he shoots Wolverine in the shoulder, "Nah, I'm not stopping until one of us dies."
Wolverine growls and throws Wade through the apartment window and into the outside highway. The merc with a mouth lands on the side of the road and groans as he relocates his shoulders and legs, "Ow, ow ow! I knew what I was getting myself into, but I didn't know he'd be this rough." He then hears Logan yell as the X-Man jumps out of the window, now in his famous yellow and blue suit.
Deadpool quickly rolls out of the way of Wolverine's fall and jumps to his feet. As Wolverine gets back on his feet, Deadpool pulls out two Uzis and starts firing while exclaiming, "Pew, pew pew pew!" Wolverine looks at him in utter disbelief as Deadpool quickly reloads the guns, "I'm sorry, are you really saying "Pew pew"? What are you, 5?" Deadpool smiles under the mask as he continues to say "Pew pew!"
Wolverine lets out a groan before charging at Deadpool, who sidesteps the charge and attempts to cut Wolverine's arm off, but is stopped by the mutant's adamantium skeleton. Wolverine laughs and stabs his claws into the merc's arms, then throws him into oncoming traffic. Deadpool waves at the scared driver before jumping onto the top of the truck, "Oh Wolvie, come out come out wherever you are!"
Deadpool would suddenly feel a sharp pain as Wolverine stabs his claws into the merc's back, "Right behind you bub." The mutant would say as he kicks Deadpool away, nearly sending him off the truck. Deadpool groans as he pulls himself back onto the truck, "Well, that was rude."
Wolverine growls and charges at Deadpool, who slides underneath the mutant while impaling him in the groin. Wolverine lets out a scream of pain, which gets cut short as Deadpool starts swinging Wolverine around wildly, slamming him into the truck multiple times. Deadpool then impales Wolverine through the chest with his other katana, lifting him into the air and starting to rip the mutant in half.
"Quick tip for ya, don't pick a fight with the guy who has swords made up of your kryptonite." Deadpool says, which confuses Wolverine. Wolverine, despite all the pain of being ripped in half, uses his claws to cut through one of the katanas, before kicking Deadpool away. Deadpool looks down at his broken katana and gasps, "Arthur no! You monster, he had a wife and family!" Wolverine doesn't bother to respond and instead throws the other katana off the truck, which provokes another gasp from Deadpool. "And she was his wife! You monster you just orphaned a child."
"I'm not going to indulge in your childish games Wade, so quit acting like you're 10." Wolverine says. Deadpool lets out a fake laugh, "HA! Fake laugh, hiding real pain." Wolverine then lunges at Deadpool, who ducks underneath the mutant and sends Wolverine tumbling off the truck and into a nearby car. Deadpool stands up and takes out two backup katanas, before turning to the camera, "Remember kids, I am a professional." He says, before dropping off the truck and into the highway, where he is immediately hit by a speeding car.
Wolverine groans as he stands up and walks towards Deadpool's remains. "Alright Wade, do you give up, or do I have to make you give up?" Deadpool flips Wolverine off as he attempts to stand up, but falls right back to the ground, "Fuck... You..." Wolverine sighs and picks Wade up, "This is one battle you aren't gonna win, bub." He says, before throwing Wade into another car. The driver screams and loses control of the vehicle, causing Deadpool to become a Wade and Jelly sandwich in between two cars.
Wade groans as he painfully makes his way out of the cars and flops onto the road, gasping for air. "GET BACK HERE... GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW LOGAN!" Wade yells as Wolverine starts walking away. Deadpool starts readjusting his entire broken body as he desperately makes an attempt to stand up, which he actually manages to succeed in. Deadpool then takes out an AWP, aims at Wolverine, and fires. A gunshot rings out throughout the area as Wolverine falls to his knees in pain. Wade laughs as he skips in joy over to the X-Man. "We're not finished here Jackman!" Deadpool yells as Wolverine stands up.
Wolverine cracks his neck as the bullet falls out of his head, "Oh, I'm really going to enjoy this..." He says as his claws protract. Deadpool takes out two backup katanas and smiles, "Let's get our fuck on!"
Wolverine lets out a battle cry and charges at Deadpool, who steps out of the way and slashes Logan's back. The mutant lets out a grunt of pain as he gets back up and stabs at Wade with his claws, but gets parried by the merc and is met with a knee to the jaw. Deadpool laughs and stabs his two katanas through Wolverine's body, turning him into a mutant kabob. Deadpool swings his swords around, making sure to slam Wolverine into as much of the surroundings as possible, before sending Logan flying into the highway once again.
Wade smiles and activates his teleporter, appearing right behind Wolverine and grabbing him by the head. "Have you ever eaten Rice Krispies? I love their little mascots. First there's Snap," Deadpool says as he snaps Wolverine's neck. "Then there's Crackle," the merc says as he lifts Wolverine up, then brings him down on his knee, causing his back to crack. "And finally there's Pop!" He says as he uses his katana to pop Wolverine's head clean off. He then picks Wolverine up and takes off the mask.
"Listen here Logan, I'm really tired of this whole thing, I just want to go home and have some me-time. So I'll be sure to make this quick, alright?"
Wolverine then spits in his face, "Eat shit Wade."
"Oh, oh no my feelings, they hurt, they hurt so bad!" Deadpool mocks, before throwing Wolverine's head into the highway. He waves goodbye as a car slams into Wolverine's head, and gets sent flying into the air. "SHIT I FORGOT ABOUT HIS SKELETON, FUCK!" Deadpool yells as he throws a katana at the head, pinning it to the ground.
"I'm not going anywhere Wade, just leave me here and I'll leave you alone." Wolverine says as he gets hit by another car.
"No fuck you I'm finishing this!" Deadpool yells as he takes out a disintegration gun and fires, completely destroying Wolverine's head. He smiles and turns to the mutant's body, who is already charging at him despite having no head. "HOLY SHIT FUCK WHAT THE FUCK!?" Deadpool yells as he narrowly dodges the charge.
Wolverine tries slashing at Deadpool, but with no head he is unable to see, so he's just slashing wildly. Deadpool smiles and winks at the camera, "Ever heard of Carbonadium?" Wade asks rhetorically as he pulls out his carbonate sword. When he turns back to face Wolverine, the mutant's head has already grown back about 75%, which is enough for him to see at least.
"Hey Mutey, come here and fight me!" Deadpool yells, which gets Wolverine pissed. The mutant charges at Deadpool and leaps at the artificial mutant, who leans underneath Wolverine and slashes right through his entire body with his carbonate sword, cutting him in half.
Wolverine gasps as his body falls apart, and he goes to laugh, but is unable to get a single noise out.
Deadpool crouches down next to Wolverine's remains and smiles, "Carbonate sword, negates healing factors. What a load of absolute bullshit, I know." He says, standing up and walking away after stealing Wolverine's wallet.
KO!
Results[]
Wiz: Well that was surely something.
Boomstick: Hell yeah it was, it was freaking awesome that's what it was!
Wiz: Both combatants were very evenly matched. Wolverine's adamantium skeleton prevented Deadpool from using basically any of his guns, and he was forced to use his katanas. Meanwhile Wolverine's anger and feral-like state gave Deadpool the edge of intelligence.
Boomstick: And it didn't even come down to who could regenerate faster, because while Deadpool does have a faster regeneration, Wolvie isn't too far behind.
Wiz: What it actually came down to was how they would kill each other, and Deadpool had two very viable ways of killing Wolverine, those being his disintegration gun and carbonate sword.
Boomstick: And sadly Logan didn't have anything to kill Deadpool with, meaning he was only prolonging his inevitable demise.
Wiz: The winner, is Deadpool.
