Description[]
Marvel vs. Hellsing. With their healing factors, these blade wielding warriors throw themselves at deadly odds.
Introduction[]
Wiz: The ability to heal from wounds and injuries is in fact a common ability that everyone has.
Boomstick: Too bad there way too slow, unlike fiction's most useful superpower, a healing factor.
Wiz: Wolverine, the unrelenting and savage clawed X-Man.
Boomstick: And Alexander Anderson, the blade-wielding crazed priest of Iscariot. He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
Wolverine[]
Wiz: Mutants. The descendants of early humans experimented on by alien invaders which resulted in a small percentage of the modern human population developing superhuman abilities.
Boomstick: You think it'd be great to get superhero powers, but apparently, having awesome abilities means you get persecuted by everyone else. Probably just jealous.
Wiz: To be fair if people suddenly obtained powers from dormant genetics, you'd want to quickly respond in case of any damage dealt, but I do agree it was a harsh process. It even led to the rise of an organization that was everything the humans feared; the Brotherhood of Mutants, who wished to take their place as the dominant species over humanity.
Boomstick: Good thing there was another mutant team who turned the other cheek on their treatment to protect others form all sorts of threats; the X-Men.
Wiz: Comprised of a girl who can phase through walls, a man whose eyes are a portal to a dimension of endless energy, a super intelligent hairy beast, and last and certainly not least, a clawed man with a mysterious past.
Boomstick: It's mysterious because not even he knows it. So he goes by Logan, or better yet, Wolverine.
- Background
- Age: 100>
- Height: 5'3
- Member of the X-Men
- AKA Logan, Weapon X, Patch
- Spirit animal is a panda
Wiz: Long ago, over a hundred years in fact, their was a sickly young boy called James Howlett, whose mutant powers ended up awakening when he killed the man who killed his father.
Boomstick: But turns out the guy who he killed was his real father, so bit of a rollercoaster of a day there. No wonder he took to wondering the world. He'd need some time to clear his head. And to leave his old life behind, he took the name Logan. After his dad.
Wiz: And Logan ended up wandering the world for a long time thanks to his signature mutant power, his healing factor, which radically slowed his aging.
Boomstick: His healing factor does much more than make him look youthful however, because it's main perk is letting Logan heal from just about any injury. He's been shot, slashed, burned, and gotten back up from it no problem. It even lets him indulge in tons of drinking binges because his brain cells and liver recover too quickly for him to get alcohol poisoning. Best use of a power ever!
Wiz: His healing factor also proved pivotal the time he was chosen as the main subject for the Weapon X Project, a secret military attempt to create the ultimate warrior.
Boomstick: Being a lab rat wasn't a lot of fun, but on the plus side it gave Logan a sweet new chrome dome for his skeleton.
Wiz: With a man-made metal called Adamantium, one of the most indestructible metals in comic book history. The metal was bonded to Wolverine's skeleton as part of the Weapon X program in a procedure that would kill most others.
Boomstick: But not Logan, thanks to his healing factor undoing the damage the bonding process dealt. Unfortunately, this also made him an invaluable asset to the boffins in charge, who wiped his memory in an attempt to turn him into little more than an attack dog. It worked, but not as they'd have liked.
Wiz: Logan lashed out violently, decimating the lab and escaped into the wild, now a stranger to himself. After another prolonged time wondering the world a second time, Logan eventually joined the X-Men, under his new codename, the Wolverine.
Boomstick: Now we're talking! Wolverine's healing factor and new shiny bones made him a deadly force to be reckoned with, as well as his extra bones. And this time, it's not a euphemism.
- Powers and Arsenal
- Superhuman strength
- Superhuman speed
- Healing factor
- Animal senses
- Bone claws
- Adamantium coated skeleton
- Murasama Sword
- Berserker Rage
- Superheating Claws
Wiz: In addition to his healing factor, Wolverine's other signature mutant ability is to sprout the three additional bones he has inside both of his hands.
Boomstick: They were originally just long and slightly jagged but after getting coated in Adamantium like the rest of his skeleton, they became little knives, perfect for slicing his targets apart into three even pieces.
Wiz: Four pieces. You need to understand how those things work.
Boomstick: No, I just need to know that Wolverine's a goddamn badass! He even has super senses that help him literally sniff out his foes and can see in the dark with keen eyes.
Wiz: Wolverine also possesses a degree of superhuman strength and speed, although the latter trait has been toned down by the added mass of his metal-covered bones. As a matter of fact, if Wolverine wasn't as strong as he was, he wouldn't be able to even move.
Popup: The Adamantium has also weakened Wolverine's healing factor, as it is occupied dealing with the constant metal poisoning.
Boomstick: Guess Wolverine really was the best candidate for the metal marrow upgraded. Which is why those evil scientists didn't want to stop at Wolverine's body; they also wanted to change his mind.
Wiz: Not only did they try to erase his own memories, they also implanted a new state of mind. Whilst Wolverine keeps it buried most of the time, intense pain and anger will end up unleashing this Berserker Rage.
Boomstick: If you thought Wolverine was an angry fella before, you haven't seen anything yet, because he goes totally nuts, indiscriminately attacking whatever comes into his eyesight and truly living up to the moniker of a small but savage animal.
Wiz: Whilst using it makes Wolverine far more deadly, it makes him this towards both his foes and friends so he needs to keep it under wraps most of the time. Good thing he has other means to fight, and I don't just mean his claws. He's a master martial artist and has an extensive knowledge of human pressure points. Plus, he is remarkably intelligent in spite of common interpretation. As a matter of fact, Bishop's analysis of Wolverine's mental and physical state has him claim that Logan is the equivalent of a Olympic-level gymnast performing a perfect routine whilst beating four chess computers in his head.
- Feats
- Grew his entire body from just his skeleton
- Lifted a Great White Shark
- Stabbed Thanos
- Keeps pace with Daredevil and Captain America
- Survived the Weapon X procedure
- Battled in several major wars
- Defeated Sabretooth, Captain America, Winter Soldier, Romulus
Boomstick: Oh who cares about intelligence? Wolverine's got plenty going for him in simple fights. He moves faster than the eye can track, lifted a great white shark and has battled against the Incredible Hulk. Try as the Green Goliath might, he just couldn't put a dent in that metal skeleton of his.
Wiz: Even more impressively, after taking a bomb directly to the face and being reduced to nothing but his metallic skeleton, Wolverine was still able to heal from it. As a matter of fact, his Adamantium claws have enabled Wolverine to stab the likes of even Thanos, and he's touch enough to survive an explosion capable of destroying an entire solar system. But if that somehow isn't crazy enough for you, then how about the time Wolverine fought both the Devil and Death themselves?
Boomstick: Well, his more iconic is rival Sabretooth, a mutant with a healing factor likes his. They've fought each other tons of times, up to their final dual where Wolverine put that beast down for good.
Wiz: For this, he used the legendary Murasama Blade, a sword capable of nullifying healing factors. And speaking of which, the key is defeating Wolverine's own healing factor lies with taking out his brain, which is what keeps the power active.
Boomstick: Since it's protected by a steel skull, you'd think this guy would be harder to kill. And whilst he definitely is, it's happened a whole bunch of times, even in the main universe. He got better though and even has the ability to now make his claws red hot for extra damage.
Wiz: So many battles have indeed molded Wolverine into the best at what he does. It's too bad that what he does, isn't very nice.
Alexander Anderson[]
Wiz: With the threat of vampires threatening the peace of the world, it falls to several organizations to keep their forces at bay.
Boomstick: We've already covered one such group, Hellsing, who fight fire with fire and use super-powered vampires as their troops. But there is a second, and they're much more versed with using the typical vampire weakness of holy weapons.
Wiz: This organization is known as Iscariot, a secret sect of the Vatican dedicated to fighting supernatural threats. But in order to do so, they couldn't rely on your average priests or choir boys.
Boomstick: Or donation collectors. Not like vampires would pledge a self-staking to the heart to raise a few quid for the church roof.
Wiz: Instead, specially trained warriors and experts were employed as Iscariot's forces. And few were as highly-regarded as one Scottish priest.
- Background
- Age: Est. 50>
- Height: 6>
- Iscariot agent and priest
- Rival of Alucard
- Hunter of vampires (and leprechauns)
Boomstick: Alexander Anderson, one absolutely crazed priest. Then again he is Scottish, so that fits him to a T. But surprisingly, he was actually a pretty nice guy to a select few.
Wiz: In particular, the orphans of Ferdinand Luke 's Orphanage, who Anderson took care of his time living there.
Boomstick: And don't worry, it wasn't for the worst thing you could thing of.
Wiz: Thankfully.
Boomstick: After all, he has little Timmy O' Toole to glue to his crotch.
Wiz: Ugh, there it is. There's the pervert priest stuff.
Boomstick: Relax, I'm joking. Wasn't even Anderson's fault that one of the kids he looked after, Enrico Maxwell, turned out such a shit man. And ironically, the guy in charge of Iscariot. Talk about surpassing the teacher.
Wiz: Somewhat. Maxwell wasn't interested in directly fighting himself, unlike his top agent and old father figure Anderson, who is considered the Iscariot's Trump Card, thanks to his status as a regenerator.
Boomstick: How else do you think he's considered the arch rival of Alucard. You know, the poster boy of OP regeneration. Not only has his regenerative powers allowed him to stay exactly the same age long after his students reached adulthood, but they also come in handy in battle. He can survive whole chunks of himself being blown away, even his own head, and this lets him last long enough to get close enough to the punks who did so to give it back in kind, thanks to his arsenal of holy weapons.
- Arsenal and Abilities
- Regeneration
- Superhuman strength
- Superhuman speed
- Bayonets
- Scriptures
- Nail of Helena
- Transformation into the Monster of God
Wiz: Primarily used by Anderson are his bayonets, of which he appears to have a seemingly limitless amount of somehow stored away in his coat.
Boomstick: Meaning that if he doesn't want to use them as close range swords, he can hurl them like darts to turn his targets into pincushions without worry because we're always have more. So many more. Plus, they're holy, so if you're a vampire or demon, you'll crumble to dust at the slightest prick from one of them.
Wiz: Anderson's holy equipment extends beyond his bayonets however as he also possesses pages of scripture that are sparingly useful in spite of being, you know, paper.
Boomstick: Well paper beats rock, and rock can beat scissors, which can beat humans. Therefor, paper beats humanity, simple. This paper can also beat vampires and the like, because not only are they holy, but they can be used to create barriers, ensnare foes or teleport Anderson away.
Wiz: Furthermore, the scriptures can also be used to dispel and purify dark magic in an area the size of a large house. On top of all this, Anderson has superhuman capabilities, being strong enough to slice vampires in half with a single swipe and tough enough to take bullets without them even remotely piercing his skin.
Boomstick: He's even better than bullets, because he once threw a bayonet so hard it pierced through bullet-proof glass, which would have to be tough enough to take 50 thousand PSI.
Wiz: But there's no clearer indication of just how formidable Anderson than all the times he did battled against Hellsing's greatest member, Alucard.
Boomstick: Not only can his regeneration help him keep pace with opposite day Dracula, but he came the closest to killing Alucard than anyone else ever did in a fight, and Alucard can catch bullets in his teeth. And the kind of competition Anderson faced was two whole armies, a couple of super-soldiers and a master vampire hunter. But to truly make himself a match for Alucard, he busted out the Nail of Helena.
- Feats
- Iscariot's trump card
- Fought through an army of familiars
- Rivalled Alucard in battle
- Pierced bulletproof glass
- Healed from a shot to the head
- Defeated Maxwell, Seras Victoria, Alucard, Integra
Wiz: One of the same nails used to pin Christ to the cross.
Boomstick: Jesus is real in Hellsing? Damn.
Wiz: By impaling his heart with the Nail, Anderson can take on a new form known as the Monster of God.
Boomstick: He basically becomes a living holy weapon, and his regeneration gets a massive boost; ammunition used to negate healing factors didn't work on him. On top of that, he's able to sprout vines to ensnare and shred his foes. Just ask Alucard, who, for the first time in his many lives, was actually on the ropes during their last battle. If it hadn't been for Police Girl coming to the rescue, Alucard would have been finished.
Wiz: Oh he very nearly was. The sheer holiness of Anderson's new form ended up burning entire swathes of Alucard's familiars way. But the usage of the Nail comes with a key weakness.
Boomstick: It kind of becomes a weakness itself, as ripping it and by extension the nailed heart will kill Anderson.
Wiz: Alexander Anderson certainly proved himself, however, a foe that even the great Alucard could not help but respect.
Interlude[]
Wiz: Alright the combatants are set and we've run the data through all possibilities.
Boomstick: It's time for a Death Battle!
The Battle[]
Setting: Inside a darkened mansion at night time
Wolverine prowled down the mansion hallway, on high alert. He sniffed the air and snarled. His claws sprouted and he slashed widely into the darkness, and from the shadows fell out the dismembered remains of vampires. Wolverine looked on at the corpses before taking another sniff.
Wolverine: You can come out bub; I smell you.
Alexander Anderson walked out of the darkness from the other end of the corridor.
Alexander: You've got one heck of a sniffer on you dontcha, you crazy protestant bastard?
Wolverine: I ain't no holy man bub.
Alexander: Call yourself what you like, you'll still face the wrath of god, because no normal being can sprout claws.
Alexander drew out two of his bayonets and readied himself as Wolverine chuckled and did the same.
Wolverine: Fair enough...
FIGHT!
Wolverine charged forward and slashed out, Alexander responding in kind so that their respective blades clashed together, producing sparks that illuminated the hallway. The two gritted their teeth and stabbed out with their other hand so that the adjourning blade points clashed together. Alexander then reversed the grip on the first blade he used to attack and stabbed it down, and Wolverine countered by slashing outwards with his own first attacking hand. Alexander was out of options, so he had to bring his leg up and deliver a kick to Wolverine's chest, pushing him backwards. This freed him up to slash out with his bayonet, which cut into Wolverine's throat at the same time the mutant slashed out to deal a similar blow. The two staggered back from the afflicted injuries but Anderson's injury healed first and he flung both his arms out to send a barrage of bayonets into Wolverine's chest. However, before they go any deeper into the flesh, the bayonets all shattered upon coming into contact with Wolverine's metal ribs. Anderson looked on in surprise as Wolverine's injuries healed and the mutant grinned at him.
Alexander: How the blood soaked protestant hell did you do that?
Wolverine: Fuck you, that's how.
He lunged back at the priest as Anderson brought out two new bayonets, but he didn't have any time to use them before Wolverine sliced straight through the blades and their pieces fell to the ground. This allowed Wolverine to slash Alexander twice across the chest, pushing him back several steps as a result. As soon as the wounds on him healed, Alexander brought out another pair of bayonets and hurled them at his foe, who sliced them out of the air before coming after the priest. Alexander once again drew out two more bayonets, slashing them at Wolverine who slashed through these as well, but this didn't deter the priest who simply pulled out pair after pair to counter Wolverine's attacks, even as they shattered from each one. Alexander was eventually able to duck under one of Wolverine's attacks and slash upwards with a bayonet that cut Wolverine up the chest, prompting Wolverine to snarl and slashed at Anderson's head, but the priest spun about to dodge the attack whilst stabbing his bayonet into Wolverine's side, which knocked the mutant through a nearby door, the blade sticking out of his ribs. Wolverine snarled at Alexander through the broken door as his healing flesh pushed the bayonet out and he lunged back out at the priest, who stepped back from the attack. Wolverine's momentum resulted in him jumping up to plant both his feet on the opposing wall and leap into the air in a lunge towards his foe. Anderson darted forward and slide underneath the attack, throwing out five bayonets as he did to nail Wolverine and send him shooting upwards to slam into the ceiling. Wolverine dropped back on his hands and knees as Alexander rose back to his feet. The two faced away from each other for a moment before they whipped around towards each other; Anderson hurled out a barrage of bayonets which Wolverine sliced his way through to get at the priest. He swung out a claw at Anderson, but he suddenly vanished within a swirl of holy scriptures. Wolverine blinked in surprise before bayonets flew into his back from behind him. He cursed in anger and turned, only to see that Anderson had vanished again, which coincided with two more bayonets hitting him in the back of his left leg. Wolverine growled as he was forced onto one knee but then smirked.
Wolverine: I get your game pal.
He turned in the direction of the second projectiles and in doing so lured Anderson into throwing another bayonet at the back of his head. Anticipating the move, Wolverine turned around and grabbed the bayonet, hurling it back in the direction it had come from. The reused projectile nailed Anderson in his forehead before he could teleport away. With him stunned, Wolverine charged forwards and unleashed a series of slashes that covered Anderson in scars before he was sent flying backwards to slam against the end of the corridor. The priest slumped down against the wall, his wounds healing up.
Alexander: Christ that hurts.
Wolverine: I hope it does; now come here...
He gestured with a finger as he walked forward, his claws on one hand extended upwards.
Wolverine: I'm gonna turn you into a real holy spirit.
He drew close enough and stabbed down at Anderson, but his arm suddenly stopped as it found itself ensnared by holy scriptures. Wolverine snarled in annoyance as Anderson grinned manically, darting up to his feet and then around his opponent, slashing Wolverine all over his arms, legs and sides. Wolverine roared and tried to stab out with his free hand but another couple of pages seized this limb as well, before it and the other pulled Wolverine back to slam him against the wall, leaving a crater, before they pulled him forward and dragged him across the ground, face first, down a second corridor. Eventually, the pages smashed Wolverine into the wall at the end of it, before finally releasing him to hover behind Anderson.
Alexander: Get up you heathen. I want to try and stake that black heart of yours.
Wolverine got back to his feet and faced Anderson, bearing his teeth.
Wolverine: Just try it!
Anderson thrust out his arms and sent a swarm of pages flying towards Wolverine, who readied himself before going completely rabid, slicing through the pages as they came at him and reducing them to tatters. In doing so however, he left himself open for more bayonets to stab him his skin, courtesy of them being hurled by Anderson, who was ready to throw even more. Wolverine knocked the blades out of his flesh and started to weave forwards through the corridor, avoiding or knocking away the next couple of bayonets to be thrown. He closed the distance between him and Anderson quickly, shooting out a hand so that his claws could snag the blade of the bayonet Anderson held between them; with a twist of the wrist, Wolverine wrenched the weapon out of the priest's hand. Anderson attempted to stab with his other bayonet, but Wolverine sheathed one set of his claws, freeing up the hand so that he could grab Anderson's wrist, lining it up so that he could bring his knee up into the limb, snapping the bone inside. Alexander grunted before Wolverine kneed him in the gut, pushing him back. Now fully disarmed, Anderson couldn't protect himself from Wolverine's slashes that covered him in yet more slashes. Anderson snarled, and as soon as his broken arm healed, he brought out a bayonet from the sleeve and slashing out with it, but Wolverine skillfully ducked under the slash before striking out with boxing techniques to rapidly stab Anderson in the chest. Anderson attempted to attack with his other hand, but Wolverine brought his arm up to block the attack, before he sheathed his other hand's set of claws so that he could grab Anderson's arm. The mutant then twisted himself around, dragging Anderson about as he did. With a yell, he hurled the priest out of the window, shattering it as he did and sending Anderson out into the night.
Anderson righted himself as he flew back, landing on his feet before skipping back to avoid the pounce that Wolverine came after him with. The priest backed into the forest, vanishing into the shadows and throwing out bayonets as he did. Wolverine knocked them aside before narrowing his eyes, seeing through the darkness after where Anderson had gone, taking off after him. Anderson ran through the trees, whipping around to hurl bayonets at his pursuer, but instead of hitting the mutant, they instead embedded themselves in a tree trunk. A shine of metal came from above the priest and Wolverine dropped down from the trees, driving his claws into Anderson's back. The priest roared and lunged backwards to slam Wolverine into a tree, the force snapping the trunk in half. Wolverine leapt back at the tree toppled forward, separating the fighters from each others sight until they both sliced through the trunk to get at each other. The two then entered a close range melee of repeatedly slashes, sending blood flying everywhere as wounds were both inflicted and then healed. Anderson eventually stabbed downwards, but Wolverine's claws stabbed into his forearm before being draw upwards, slicing the limb into four flailing pieces, which were themselves then severed from Anderson's arm with another slash from Wolverine.
Blood pouring from the stump, Anderson drew back, seething at Wolverine.
Wolverine: What now pal?
Anderson said nothing, before reaching into coat and bringing out a block of wood, shattering it with a clench of his fingers to reveal Helena's Nail.
Alexander: I am the sword of God, and I need to be sharpened.
He stabbed himself in the heart with the Nail and the transformation began. Wolverine snarled and lunged forward, slicing Anderson's head apart. But Anderson's body continued to operate and it slashed the mutant up the chest, throwing him backwards. Anderson's head regrew into a bundle of thorns, the Monster of God brandished two bayonets in his signature pose. Wolverine gritted his teeth and charged forwards, stabbing his claws into Anderson's chest, but at the same time the priest stabbed him with his bayonets and the thorn-covered vines coming from his body ensnared the mutants body. The thorns shredded Wolverine's flesh, showering the ground with blood. Wolverine roared in pain as the vines wrapped around his entire body, trapping him in a spikey cocoon. Wolverine's eyes were the last thing to be covered before the entrapment was completed.
A moment passed before a roar came from the cocoon and it was suddenly reduced to scraps by Wolverine, who had entered the Berserker Rage. He roared into the air before coming at Anderson, who sent out vines at the mutant, but these too ended up in pieces. Wolverine unleashed an X formation slash, leaving a similar shaped slash on Anderson and debilitating him long enough for Wolverine to lung forward and stab at his chest; his middle claw split Helena's Nail in half before piercing Anderson's heart. The Nail destroyed, Anderson's body dried out so that when Wolverine stabbed his other claw into his chest and wrenched his hands out, the priest was shattered into dusty ashes. Wolverine roared into the air in victory.
KO!
Outcome[]
Boomstick: Jesus Christ, so much blood!
Wiz: Both Wolverine and Anderson where experienced and formidable warriors, but Anderson was unprepared for the challenge the X-Man posed.
Boomstick: Literally. Basically all of Anderson's arsenal was tailor made to be holy. Perfect for killing vampires, but not so much against anything else.
Wiz: But we know what you want us to confirm; that Anderson had no way to break Wolverine's Adamantium skeleton.
Boomstick: Even Thor has a hard time denting it and the chrome dome has let Wolvie battle the Hulk, who's weaker form Grey Hulk could break a meteor the size of planet Earth. Nothing in Hellsing is even a mite powerful as that, least of all Anderson.
Wiz: It could be reasoned that the Monster of God could give Anderson a means to kill Wolverine, specifically by having his vines work their way to and destroy his brain, although such a capability has never really been shown. Even then, Wolverine's speed kept him at a distinct advantage.
Boomstick: Other heroes like Spider-Man and Daredevil, whom Wolverine has certainly tangled with before, have reaction speeds in the Mach thousands (Huesito88), whilst Anderson's scaling to Alucard means he's at best Mach 100 (God Movement).
Wiz: More than enough time to attack Helena's Nail, the weak point Alexander obtains with his transformation. With Wolverine's experience and expertise, he would certainly have the initiative to attack it. And even then, his ownership of the Murasame Blade meant he could deal with Anderson's regeneration in time, or better still with his superheated claws. After all, burnt cells don't heal.
Popup: It's possible that Alexander's heart was his weak point even in his normal state.
Boomstick: So Wolverine was just too tough and too fast for old Alex, and not to mention possessed an arsenal that could render his healing ability useless. It was one holy fight.
Wiz: The winner is Wolverine.
Next Time[]
Swords at hand
For two web show character
Trivia[]
- The connection between Wolverine and Alexander is that they are both mutants who have the ability to heal from extreme amounts of damage thanks to their regeneration factors, which have also slowed their visible aging. Both also use blades in battle, have alternate forms to use in battle and have lived for long periods of time, during which they served as teachers towards other individuals on their teams. Both also have red-clad counterparts who possess arguably better healing factors; Deadpool and Alucard respectively.
- This battle would have been in 2D
- The original music for this battle would have been called 'Amen X-Man', referring to Anderson's motto and position as a priest, Wolverine's team, and saying them in a rhyming manner