One word: Moolah
Wario Vs. Conker is a What If? episode of Death Battle.
| Wario Vs. Conker | |
|---|---|
| [[File: | |
| Season 3, Episode 3 | |
Vital statistics
| |
| Air date | TBA |
| Written by | Golden-Sans78 |
| Directed by | Unknown |
Episode guide
| |
| Previous | Next |
| General Grievous Vs. Goro | Batman (Lego Game) Vs. Batman (Lego Movie) |
Description[]
Mario Vs. Conker's BFD! These two have plans to get rich-quick, even if it means using a little fire-power! Who will win?
Intro[]
Wiz: Greed can be a dangerous thing. Not only is it one of the 7 deadly sins, it also leads you to become...well, how should I put it...
Boomstick: A giant A**-hole.
Wiz: Well, that's one way. Wario, the butt of jokes.
Boomstick: And Conker, the Red Squirrel.eHe's Wiz and I'm Boomstick!
Wiz: And it's our job to find out who would win, a Death Battle.
Wario[]
(Cue: Stonecarving City - Wario Land: Shake It! Music Extended)
Wiz: Mario's made plenty of enemies like Bowser, Donkey Kong, Wart, Waluigi, etc.
Boomstick: But out of all of his enemies, how the fuck did he get stuck fighting fat Donald Trump?
Wiz: No idea.
Boomstick: Anyway, Wario and Mario were once childhood friends, but Wario would accidentally fall into traps while playing with Mario, which ticked the fatass off.
Wiz: Thinking Mario was the cause of all his problems, Wario hypnotized Mario's entire kingdom and stole his castle while he was away saving Daisy. However, things weren't good for long as Mario eventually came back and...
Boomstick: Beat the living shit out of him! Then for some reason, Wario turned into a midget.
Wiz: Despite being fat, Wario is a power house, easily being one of the strongest Mario characters physically, being able to destroy bare brick with just his hands.
Boomstick: Speaking of his strength, he's also got a powerful charge attack called the Shoulder Charge, which lets him plow through his enemies. He can also perform the famous Ground Pound, which can shake a castle.
Wiz: He can also bite his enemies with Chomp...
Boomstick: First Kirby, then Yoshi, now Wario? What the fuck is with Nintendo and their hungry character fetish?
Wiz: Ahem, Wario can also perform the Corkscrew, which is a air attack. He can also summon a bike from out of nowhere called the Wario Bike. He has an infinite number of bikes and can pull out another one in a short amount of time if the first one breaks.
Boomstick: It can go up to 217 MPH and it's faster than Non-Canon Sanquick!
Wiz: He also carries around a normal bucket that he can place on his opponent's head to blind them, in which the opponent can't take off unless someone else helps them.
Boomstick: What the fuck's in those helmets? Some kind of brain magnet or something?
Wiz: He also carries around Bomb-Ombs, which are walking bombs, and if he eats some Nasty Garlic, he can become Wario-Man, his alternate form that upgrades his moves and makes him completely invincible.
Boomstick: At the cost of his humiliation!
Wiz: Wario is strong enough to lift a giant, bikini wearing dinosaur, is fast enough to outrun boulders Indiana Jones styles, and withstood 8 hits from Mario before finally falling on the 9th. Keep in mind that most Mario bosses die in 3 hits, so this is impressive.
Boomstick: However, he's lazy, hot tempered, and though he's not dumb contraire to common belief, he's still not the brightest.
Wiz: But there's few Mario enemies as persistent as Wario himself.
Wario: My game is a smash hit! This shouldn't surprise anyone – it's the brainchild of me, the greatest video game designer in the history of everything!
Conker[]
(Cue: Windy and Co - Conker's Bad Fur Day Music Extended)
Wiz: This...is Conker, Bomstick.
Boomstick: What?! He's adorable! Just look at him!
Wiz: Well, he may be adorable, but what if I told you that he is a drunk, swearing, gun-wielding, Killing machine?
Boomstick: Then i'd call you a liar! Show me absolute proo-
(Shows Conker decapitating an enemy and drinking beer)
Boomstick:...oh. Cary on then.
Wiz: Conker was just your average beer-addicted squirrel until he accidently wondered into the Panther King's kingdom. After learning the King place a bounty on his head, he began on a quest to escape him...along with getting a few 100 bucks as well.
Boomstick: His main weapon is a Frying Pan, which is know in cartoons to be a deadly weapon. With it, he does exactly as you expect: wack people with it.
Wiz: He also has a Shotgun, a Sling-shot, bricks he can use to squish people, a Flamethrower, Submachine Guns, a Rocket Launcher, and more. All of which he carry's with him.
Boomstick: Holy crap, the guy's loaded! But he can also give a hearty f**k you to physics and fly by swinging his tail like a helicopter, as well as turn into an Anvil.
Wiz: Oh, god d**m it! Not again! What's next, someone spinning so fast they fly?
(Shows Chun-Li's Helicopter kick and Crash spinning in the air)
Wiz: *Sigh* I give up...
Boomstick: He's also extremely acrobatic, and can do flips and jump around the place like a dude from the Matrix. The reference is VERY un-subtle.
Wiz: But when he's in a big enough problem, he relies on his final defense...a giant mech.
Boomstick: This puppy, while slower then my Ex-Wife, is strong enough to not only knock out a EXENOMORPH, but also pull a Mario 64 and throw him around the place! Gimmie!
Wiz: Conker has not only took the Panther King's kingdom, but he also:
- Beat a dinosaur in a fight
- Taken down an Exenomorph
- Carried all his weapons
- Survived the sh*t Microsoft put him through in the future
Boomstick: But, alas, he ain't perfect. He's rather clumsy and Un-skilled, kind of unlucky, and is not very durable. But overall: If you see him, run!
Conker: Give me a break...
Pre-Fight[]
Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set, lets end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: It's time for a Death Battle!!!
Death Battle[]
Location: Conker's kingdom (this takes place after Conker's BFD.)
Conker was doing what he does best at the bar: getting drunk as sh*t. It's been a year after he became king, and he was longing for the good 'ol days.
Conker: *Sigh* Well, at least nothing can get worse...
Just as he said that, a Bike busted through the wall of the bar and drove right at Conker. the Squirrel jumped out of the way just in time as the Bike exploded.
Conker: What the f**k?! Who did that?!
???: That would be me-a.
A man then landed in front of the red king. It was Wario.
Wario: Alright-a, you little rat! There's a bounty on your head, and I was-a hired to kill you!
Conker: Wait, you wanna fight?
Wario: What? Are you too scared-
Suddenly, Wario was hit in the face with a Frying Pan and was knocked back. Wario got back up and assumed a boxing pose.
Conker: No. I was surprised someone was stupid enough to fight me, dipsh*t.
Conker pulled out his Shotgun and aimed at Wario, who was bending over at him. Just before the red squirrel could pull the trigger, there was a loud fart noise. Soon, the whole room was covered in a green smoke.
Conker: Phew! What kind of person farts for a distraction?
Suddenly Conker was struck from all directions by Wario who, thanks to the fart, Conker could not see. Wario then picked up Conker and threw him out the building. Thinking fast, Conker pulled out a Flamethrower and shot some fire at the cloud of waft. There was a giant explosion, which Conker thought had finished Wario.
Conker started to walk away when he heard...
Wario: Waaaaaaaaaaa!
He saw his opponent running out the rubble on a Bike. Wario jumped off as the Bike hit Conker, which exploded. Conker got back up and pulled out two huge bricks and bashed them together with Wario in the middle. This flattened the yellow biker. He popped back into normal shape and sneered at Conker.
Wario: Gah! You're more annoying then I thought you would be. No matter though!
Wario then punched the ground, making a small earthquake. Conker jumped up, started spinning his tail and hovered into the air. To his surprise, however, Wario did a Cork-screw into the air and grabbed Conker by the leg. Wario then pulled Conker back to the ground using his size and slammed the Squirrel onto the ground, pinning him.
Conker: Gah...my head...
Wario: You're head's gonna be the last of you're worrys after this!
He turned Conker around to punch him in the face...only to see Conker holding a Rocket Launcher. Needless to say, Wario was blown away, literally, into a barrel. As Wario struggled to get out, Conker whistled. Two seconds later, his Mech appered right behind him. He climbed in just as Wario got out of the barrel.
Wario: Oh, that's it! Your-a gonna get...it...
The Mech grabbed Wario and started shaking him silly. It did this for a while until Wario was dazed. It then threw him to the ground and prepared to stomp on him.
Conker: Who's laughing now?
The foot came down on Wario but didn't crush him. Instead, Wario grabbed the foot and ripped it off. He then jumped up to Conker, pulled him out, and punched him in the face.
Wario: I'll-a tell ya who's laughing...
He then threw his strongest punch at Conker's head, which resulted in Conkers head exploding.
Wario: Me! Wahaha!!!
K.O!!!
- Wario became the new king and was bathing in gold.
- Conker was exiting the Underworld with Gregg waving.
Results[]
Boomstick: Well, that was quick! And brutal, for that matter!
Wiz: For everything Conker is good at, Wario is better. He's stronger, faster, more durable, and has more experience. The only real advantage Conker had was intelligence.
Boomstick: "But what about the developers?" You may ask.
Wiz: Well, 1) That's outside help, 2) It only happens when the game freezes up, and 3) that was only once. It's highly unlikely it would happen again.
Boomstick: Conker just couldn't keep his head in the game.
Wiz: The winner is Wario.
