After providing evidence that YSAC is a sufficient Internet persona, the battle is back on! This is Pac's 2nd battle, featuring famous YouTube persona HowToBasic and underrated YouTube persona You Suck At Cooking.
Interlude[]
Wiz: In the realm of YouTube, first-person tutorials are a popular concept. Many viewers love the ability to see how to prepare something from their own perspective.
Boomstick: But these two tutorial guides often end up doing more harm than good.
Wiz: HowToBasic, the Internet's favorite mentally insane egg-thrower.
Boomstick: And You Suck At Cooking, host of the Internet's fastest cooking show. He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
HowToBasic[]
Wiz: An Internet sensation like HowToBasic comes around only once in a great while... and for good reason. Most Youtubers are relatable to the common viewer, which makes them more appealing to the Internet community.
Boomstick: But with HowToBasic, it's an entirely different story. Sure, people may get a kick out of his videos, but he's completely insane, and somehow makes money by destroying his house and electronics.
Wiz: It all began in 2011, when HowToBasic's first video was released. Entitled "How to pick up an umbrella," it was exactly what you would expect. Only four seconds long, the video amassed thousands of views.
Boomstick: And as the videos kept coming, so did the views. HowToBasic now reaches the million view mark with nearly any video that he puts out, regardless of whether or not the problem he's trying to solve is shared by the viewer.
Wiz: As he continued to rise in popularity, the fame began to go to his head. HowToBasic began to associate with the likes of Filthy Frank, iDubbz and Maxmoefoe, some of the most sociopathic and random celebrities on YouTube.
Boomstick: It is widely believed that the sudden fame paired with associating with this destructive trio caused HowToBasic to become the man he is today... a psychotic, destructive, egg-throwing, mess-making man.
Wiz: As time passed, he delved into insanity and his behavior became much more erratic. Rather than simply picking up unbrellas and closing doors, HowToBasic began to solve problems by destroying the object he was attempting to fix. His tendencies became far more destructive. Over time, his strength increased to the point where he could lift and throw a regular-sized basement freezer.
Boomstick: But this is hardly the extent of HowToBasic's incredible feats. How about the time that he fell off a cliff so high that the impact severed one of his four arms, and he hopped right back up and kept running afterward?
Wiz: If we do a quick calculation, the yield strength of a muscle is roughly equal to four megapascals, or four million Pascals. One Pascal is equivalent to one Newton per square meter. If the normal width of a deltoid muscle is ten centimeters and we measure using a cross-section of eighty square centimeters, the force required to sever a limb from the shoulder is approximately thirty kilonewtons, or thirty thousand Newtons. This means that HowToBasic hit solid earth at a force of just under 6,667 pounds and survived. That's greater than the equivalent of having a full-grown African Forest Elephant fall directly on top of you.
Boomstick: Yeah, science... I totally understood what you said there.
Wiz: Fine, let me tell it in Boomstick terms. (clears throat)
HowToBasic sat on a ledge.
HowToBasic fell off the edge.
He severed his arm
But suffered no harm
Even after breaking off crucial cartilage
Boomstick: Thank you, Wiz. A good old-fashioned limerick always clears things up.
Wiz: Eventually, HowToBasic turned on his famous friends and proved to be far more powerful than all three of them. To reiterate, HowToBasic beat Filthy Frank, iDubbz and Maxmoefoe in a fight, three Internet icons with no Earthly limitations... and he beat them at the same time.
Boomstick: There's no denying HowToBasic's physical toughness despite his lack of mental stability. He was also able to one-shot Green Guy and Pink Guy, who are also unstoppable icons of the Internet, with a cheap plastic boomerang. And he knocked Pink Guy out cold not by directly hitting him with it, but by lightly tossing it at his head.
Wiz: HowToBasic has combat prowess that would make Iron Fist jealous. It would also likely unnerve him due to HowToBasic's... unusual weaponry.
Boomstick: HowToBasic's item of choice is the egg. A simple food often used for defacing homes, he throws the soft-shelled edible with enough speed and force to crack television screens.
Wiz: But when an egg isn't enough to do the job, HowToBasic has a vast array of tools at his disposal, his hatchet and sledgehammer being the most prevalent. He also has canisters of gasoline to increase the potential of his fire manipulation, and an infinite number of China plates and lawn chairs to chuck at any opponent.
Boomstick: But you can't forget about my favorite selection in HowToBasic's arsenal: his guns. He wields a double-barrel shotgun and a German Luger whenever he's outside and doesn't have enough eggs to split open a watermelon.
Wiz: Speaking of which, in addition to eggs, HowToBasic can produce produce out of thin air, and has a seemingly endless supply of watermelons and pineapples.
Boomstick: I want to see what this guy's interdimensional grocery bill adds up to every week.
Wiz: He can also change an uncooked turkey into a desired food with one hit of his snow shovel.
Boomstick: And while we're on the subject of impressive tools, HowToBasic has a backhoe right in his backyard. That's right. This insane man who is usually naked in his videos was either trusted with this thing, or able to go out and buy one.
Wiz: However, despite this impressive arsenal and combat skill, HowToBasic is far from invincible. His durability is not much more than that of a normal human.
Boomstick: That's true. Before being reincarnated, he was killed by Ronald McDonald. He is also capable of being harmed by his own flames, and he was knocked out after being hit by six eggs and taking two chairshots to the head. He's also clearly a lightweight, because he was somehow carried into a lake by a German Shepherd.
Wiz: Finally, his insanity has a disastrously negative consequence: HowToBasic cannot find value in any object, and will destroy it regardless of what it is if he becomes frustrated with it.
Boomstick: But somehow, despite all the destruction he leaves in his path, he gets the job done.
Wiz: A lot of the time, HowToBasic's bizarre tutorials actually yield a positive result, and the task at hand is accomplished. So despite his abnormal methods, you can bet any time HowToBasic posts a new video, you'll learn a new solution to an everyday problem.
HowToBasic: Ehhhh! (Gives thumbs up in front of the camera.)
You Suck At Cooking[]
Wiz: On January 13, 2015, the world of Death Battle would change forever. After years of searching, a new combatant surfaced that would finally be able to contend with the madman HowToBasic. This man is Mel, better known as the host of You Suck At Cooking.
Boomstick: Mel is a seemingly normal household chef. He has a distinct knowledge of ingredients and loves to post his findings on YouTube. What's different about Mel, however, is that he somehow has amazing reality warping capabilities.
Wiz: Mel ordinarily uses these powers to prepare food, but he has shown that he is capable of violence before. In combat, Mel has a distinct advantage because his skin is hard enough to peefectly dice an onion after it bounces off.
Boomstick: Mel has a real affinity for chopping onions, and has shown his subscribers seventeen new techniques for slicing the pungent vegetable.
Wiz: He can can chop an onion with an elbow chop, a karate chop, or throwing it against the wall. And this is hardly the extent of his techniques.
Boomstick: To warp reality, he can teleport anywhere if he's holding a tequila drink, reverse gravity on any object, clone any kitchen implement, turn an onion into a different vegetable with his frying pan, and "auto-chop" foods with his mind.
Wiz: Mel can roast an opponent with a minimum temperature of 3500 degrees Fahrenheit, enough to toast walnuts in one-tenth of a second. If he can attach a cord to his opponent, he can manipulate their brain with a floret of cauliflower. His most used technique, however, is chopping vegetables faster than the eye can see. He can also trick the eye when moving a pan off a burner.
Boomstick: And if his own abilities aren't enough, he can summon the dark lord Satan using a pentayam. But with his arsenal of cooking weapons, I don't see how he would need outside help.
Wiz: Mel has a vast array of knives, pots and pans, large spoons he calls "wangjanglers", spatulas he calls "rasslers", and cutting boards. He also has a chainsaw, an industrial sander, containers of hydrichloric acid, a wooden dagger and wooden gun he carved himself, and an air-powered corn cob launcher.
Boomstick: But his favorite implements are his knife combination units, such as the Knife Belt 7452, the Cutternut Squash, and the Food Processotron 2.7, which is basically just two knives attacked with a coat hanger and a belt, but capable of turning vegetables into a puree sauce for zucchini noodles with the power of a blender. He also wields the Armplement 5000, a five-utensil holder attached to his fighting arm.
Wiz: While Mel may have a distinct lack of combat experience, his cooking feats are absolutely phenomenal. But as is the case with any combatant, Mel is not without his weaknesses. Much like HowToBasic, he has the durability of a normal human. He is often hurt by hot foods and cuts from julienne peelers. For the most part Mel is a pacifist, but it is very easy to send him over the edge. Also, his main weakness is criticism from his parents. He also loves his oven, or his "onion" as he calls it, more than life itself. He has professed his dependency on the oven in his own videos.
Boomstick: Cooking is also the center of his life. He can't bear to live if he can't cook. He even abandoned a mission to Mars to take his batch of cookies out of the oven.
Wiz: But whether Mel is preparing guacamole, tortilla pizza or a Sandwich of Justice, there's no doubt that Mel is a great cook and has the prowess to outlast any opponent. And he'll always end his lessons with a catchy jingle that shows his passion for his craft.
Mel: You suck at cooking, yeah, you totally suck.
Pre-Battle[]
Wiz: All right,;the combatants are set. Let's end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: It's time for a Death Battle!
Death Battle[]
(The camera immediately pans to Mel's point of view. He is, per usual, in his kitchen, in front of his oven holding a spatula and a pan.)
Mel: Hey guys, today we're making modified scrambled eggs. If you're in a tough spot and want a delicious breakfast, you're really gonna appreciate today's episode. You don't need much, just a bunch of eggs and whatever else you can afford that goes well with eggs. I'm gonna show you some of my favorites, I just gotta go to the refrigerator and grab some--
(Mel opens the refrigerator door to see that there are no eggs.)
Mel: What the hell? I just bought four dozen eggs for today's episode!
(Suddenly, Mel turns around after hearing a grunting noise. He sees a silhouette fade out of his hallway.)
Mel: Ah, shit. Someone's here. Ordinarily, I wouldn't go after them, but I really need those eggs. So, let's just grab some of our favorite knives and head out.
(Mel runs out the door to pursue the thief. He finds a man in a parrot costume holding his four cartons of eggs.)
Mel: That's far enough, morherflocker!
(The man in the parrot costume turns around and opens a carton of eggs, preparing to throw them.)
Mel: If you want to waste your eggs rather than cooking them, that's okay, you do you. (Holds up knife) Just don't expect to live very long afterward.
FIGHT!
(HowToBasic begins to throw the eggs at breakneck speed. Mel ilreacts quickly and cuts them all with his knife in midair.)
Mel: Oh, all out of eggs, are we? Well, I'll make this quick so I can get to the grocery store.
(Mel runs after HowToBasic, but he quickly produces another egg and slams Mel in the face with it. Mel is taken aback by the sudden impact.)
Mel: Wait, why did you even take my eggs if you can pull that shit?
(HowToBasic continues to produce eggs from thin air and throw them at Mel. Mel quickly dives into a nearby bush.)
Mel: I gotta find a way to get this guy out of here!
(Mel thinks on it as the onslaught of eggs continue, when he suddenly pours a shot glass of tequila and vanishes. He appears right behind HowToBasic and punches him in the back of the head. HowToBasic falls to the ground. Mel pulls a butternut squash with a knife in it out of his Knife Belt 7452, his Cutternut Squash. Mel charges at the parrot man and plants the knife into the ground as he rolls away. The squash breaks apart upon impact.)
Mel: Shit! I sure squashed that opportunity.
(Mel pulls the knife out of the ground. Suddenly, HowToBasic can be heard screaming at the top of his lungs. He is swinging a basement freezer around by the cord and preparing to throw it.
Mel: That's my fucking freezer! What aren't you going to take from me?!
(HowToBasic throws the freezer in Mel's direction.)
Mel: Auto-chop powers, go!
(Mel moves his hands out and the freezer begins to break into pieces. The freezer bits move to the sides as Mel continues to chop.)
Mel: Whew... Guys, I'm not used to chopping something that large. I'm feeling pretty drained, and I... oh, shit.
(HowToBasic can be seen atop a mountain of fruits that he produced. He cackles at the top of his lungs and begins to throw pineapples and watermelons at Mel.)
Mel: (While dodging a watermelon) Wow, all those fruits and you still can't get a date.
(Suddenly, HowToBasic stops throwing the fruits. He clutches his groin and howls in pain as he falls off the mountain. He rolls over a fence into a backyard. Mel gies after him with his wooden gun.)
Mel: Any last words, fiend? Wait, what the fuck?
(Mel looks around to find that he is in a junkyard. HowToBasic laughs weakly as Mel finds out that he is in his enemy's backyard. HowToBasic pulls out his double-barrel shotgun and points it at Mel.)
Mel: Well, while you're taking shots, I'll pour one for myself.
(HowToBasic shoots the bottle of tequila out of Mel's hand.)
Mel: Shit.
(HowToBasic quickly shoots Mel in the left leg. Mel instantly falls to the ground as HowToBasic laughs uncontrollably. He walks up to Mel and cuts off his legs with a hatchet. The blood pools around Mel's torso as he can only utter a single morpheme.)
Mel: Ow.
(HowToBasic runs to the backhoe in his junkyard and powers on the engine. He slowly moves the arm down and lifts Mel into the car crusher adjacent from the backhoe.)
Mel: I only have one chance. Gotta check my pockets...
(HowToBasic starts the compactor and it slowly begins to close in around Mel. However, Mel is able to reach into his pocket and pull out five strips of yam.)
Mel: Just gonna make a little pentayam...
(Mel lays out the strips into a star. As the compactor is close to closing completely, a burst of flame erupts from the machine. HowToBasic is visibly confused as Mel has suddenly reappeared in front of the compactor, completely healed with all his limbs intact.)
HowToBasic: AAAAGH!
(HowToBasic quickly jumps out if the backhoe and begins to shoot the backhoe. He throws eggs and watermelons at the window, cracking it completely. He hops into the cockpit and pulls out the seat and throws it at the backhoe's arm. Suddenly, the structural integrity of the arm is compromised, and it falls off its hinges. The arm lands directly onto HowToBasic's back, pinning him to the ground with his head sticking out.)
Mel: Well, I guess since we can't make any modified scrambled eggs, you'll need another tasty breakfast option. So we're going to make some parrot flambé.
(Mel approaches the helpless parrot man and stands behind him.)
Mel: So, what you want to do first is make sure your bird is nice and dead. Take your Food Processotron 2.7, and we're going to do something a bit unconventional with it. Take both knives in your hand and slit the parrot's throat.
(Mel swipes the sharp blades across HowToBasic's neck, and the blood immediately begins to pool. Because he is pinned to the ground, he cannot breathe and begins to drown in his own blood.)
Mel: Now, take an aux cord and a cauliflower floret. You've all seen me do this before.
(Mel drives the jack into HowToBasic's eyeball. HowToBasic can no longer scream in pain; his moans are muffled by the puddle of bodily fluids he is face-down in.)
Mel: Now you're just gonna tear this fucker apart.
(Mel crumbles up his brain by destroying the cauliflower, causing HowToBasic to bleed from every orifice in his head. The hemoglobin flows from his nose, mouth, neck, eyes and ears. Because of the pressure being placed on him by the arm of the backhoe, all the blood in HowToBasic's body runs out in several seconds.)
Mel: Now, we're gonna take our bird back to the kitchen, and throw it in the onion at maximum temperature.
(The camera pans back to Mel's kitchen. Mel quickly throws the dead YouTube star into the oven and turns up every dial on the oven.)
Mel: And now you're just gonna walk out of the house and let that fucker burn.
(The flames quickly surround HowToBasic and ignite his parrot costume. The flame begins to expand out of the oven and around the house.)
Mel: Now, the big problem with this dish is that you're gonna have to buy a new onion... and a new house. But the taste of victory is more exquisite than anything I've ever made. So, we're about done here, but all I have to say now is...
You suck at cooking and you suck at Death Battle.
Post-Battle[]
K.O.!!!
Boomstick: What?! How on Earth did the parrot man lose?!
Wiz: There's a very simple explanation for that. HowToBasic may have contended with some of the greatest YouTube stars of all time, but Mel had the advantage in every category besides combat experience.
Boomstick: But isn't combat experience the most important part of a Death Battle?!
Wiz: Not in this case. Mel had a lot more creativity in his methods, more mental stability, a wider arsenal, more offensive capabilities, and, most importantly, the fastest reaction time of any combatant in Death Battle history.
Boomstick: Remember when we said that Mel moved the pan off the burner faster than the eye could see? Well, Mel outright states that for the recipe to work perfectly, the pan has to be moved off the burner after one BILLIONTH of a second! And if there's one person you can trust with getting a recipe perfect, it's Mel.
Wiz: This means that Mel can react faster than it takes light to move ONE METER. This isn't just faster than the humam brain can comprehend, this is faster than any piece of technology can measure.
Boomstick: Ultimately, Mel's advantages were just too much, even for someone who can fight three YouTube legends at once. Looks like HowToBasic just burned out in the end.
Wiz: The winner is You Suck at Cooking.