Description[]
Jimmy "Saul Goodman" McGill from Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul VS Nightmare from FNaF at Freddy's! Two of the characters of all time fight to the death! Will Nightmare leave this lawyer broken? Or will Jimmy slip all over Nightmare?
Intro[]
Wiz: In the realm of fiction, there are many destructive forces at work. Men capable of destroying each other, monsters capable of destroying cities, and gods capable of destroying worlds.
Boomstick: But some characters go nuclear and destroy everyone they come into contact with. Sometimes metaphorically...and sometimes literally.
Wiz: Saul Goodman, Breaking Bad's fast-talking lawyer.
Boomstick: And Nightmare, the personification of death from Five Nights at Freddy's. He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick!
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a DEATH BATTLE.
Saul Goodman[]
Boomstick: Ah, the state of New Mexico. Home to Breaking Bad...and that's it. And in a certain New Mexican city called Albuquerque, all you gotta do is take a walk down the street to see this guy.
Wiz: His face is plastered everywhere. Billboards, park benches, bus shelters, you name it. Turn on the TV, and you'll see his cheesy, low budget commercials. Despite his immature facade, he's one of the greatest legal minds in the state, and his name is known in the criminal underworld across the entire country.
Boomstick: And that name is...uhh...wait, who were we talking about again-
Wiz: Saul Goodman. See, there are a lot of shady people in Albuquerque, and when they get into trouble, they aren't just looking for any criminal lawyer. They're looking for a criminal lawyer. See what I did there?
Boomstick: Yeah, whatever, you stole that joke from the show. Anyways, Saul employs just a few illegal tactics to get his way. Extortion, theft, incrimination, tax evasion, and corruption, just to name a few. Man, what a scumbag!
Wiz: Well, Saul hasn't always been like this. "Saul" isn't even his real name. He was once Jimmy McGill, an ambitious lawyer trying to turn his life around after walking away from a past of pulling petty scams.
Boomstick: Too bad his brother, big-time corporate lawyer Chuck, was a total dick. He had always resented Jimmy for his cons, and the idea of Jimmy becoming a lawyer was too much for him to handle.
Wiz: So Chuck got to work pulling strings to make sure Jimmy wouldn't make it as a lawyer, and in order to get by, Jimmy started cutting corners. Eventually, Jimmy fell back into scamming people, only this time around, he'd do it in the courtroom.
Boomstick: And that's the moment Jimmy McGill became Saul Goodman.
Wiz: Given how much Saul relies on his cunning, you wouldn't expect him to be that strong. But much like his intelligence, Saul's physical strength is a lot more impressive than one would expect at a glance.
Boomstick: He pulled a man up with one arm for a publicity stunt, kicked down a door, picked up a street sign, fought another lawyer in an amateur boxing match, and smashed through a glass pane in two kicks.
Wiz: By using Saul's height and the standard dimensions of a telephone booth to find the size of this window, we can determine that Saul must have been kicking with energy equivalent to 1.3 kilojoules. That's enough to keep up with a professional fighter.
Boomstick: Also, Saul outran a group of teens on the street, even though he's a lot older than them.
Wiz: Saul's reputation has led him to do business with drug cartels, and eventually resulted in him serving as the lawyer and advisor of meth cooks Walter White and Jesse Pinkman.
Boomstick: Naturally, these sorts of connections can get pretty messy sometimes, so Saul's survived being attacked by Walt and Jesse before.
Wiz: Walter and Jesse are both quite impressive themselves. Jesse survived getting beaten up by Tuco, who killed a man with his bare hands in seconds, and Walter was able to dent a towel dispenser made of stainless steel by punching it, which would require him to punch with a force equivalent to 5 kilojoules.
Boomstick: Pretty impressive for a dying chemistry teacher! That's not all Saul can do, though. He has an amazing trick up his sleeve: the gun! When smooth talking and bodyguards don't work, sometimes you just gotta shoot people, so Saul carries an AMT Backup Semi-Automatic Pistol and wears a bulletproof vest.
Wiz: But Saul's most powerful asset is not his physical strength, nor is it his firearm.
Boomstick: What?!
Wiz: Rather, Saul's greatest weapon is his silver tongue. He's talked his way out of tense situations with the cartel, convinced an insane meth addict to spare his life, and talked a sentence of 200 years in a maximum security prison down to just 7 years in a cushy North Carolina prison. Saul isn't exactly perfect, though. He may be strong, but he lacks combat skill, and consistently loses in one-on-one fights. He also hurt his knees during a slip-and-fall scam in his youth, and suffers from PTSD as a result of his encounters with the cartel.
Boomstick: But even with the odds stacked against him, Jimmy always manages to weasel his way out of whatever problems come his way. He truly is the Better Call Saul.
Saul: Don't drink and drive, but if you do, call me.
Nightmare[]
Wiz: In 1983, business was booming at Fredbear's Family Diner. Families from all around town would come flocking to see the singing animatronic mascots perform on stage. The restaurant spawned sister locations and even a cartoon TV series, and the core location was only growing bigger as time passed.
Boomstick: But one kid was scared of those awesome robot furries. Instead of going to the pizzeria, he just talked to his plushies and cried all day. What a wuss.
Wiz: To be fair, the Crying Child's fear was not quite unfounded. Actually, he liked the characters at the pizzeria, but the child's brother and his friends always wore masks resembling the animatronics and used them to torment the child, which led to him living in constant fear of the characters. Eventually, this went too far. As the Crying Child kicked and screamed, his bullies dragged him over to the stage at Fredbear's Family Diner. When they reached the main animatronic, Fredbear, the bullies brought the Crying Child up to the animatronic's head.
Boomstick: Unfortunately, the kid's tears messed up the animatronic's jaws, so they slammed shut on him and turned his brain into a pancake. Somehow, this didn't instantly kill him, but he did start seeing some crazy shit. Whenever he fell asleep, this kid would have nightmares where big, scary versions of the animatronics tried to kill him, gradually getting more and more difficult to fend off as the nights passed.
Wiz: On the final night, the Crying Child was about to die. He fell asleep and found himself in the usual nightmare, only for all of the animatronics to disappear. In their place, a massive, black, animatronic bear appeared. Death had come to collect his soul, manifesting in his dreams as his worst fear. Its name was Nightmare.
Boomstick: Standing at a whopping 7 feet tall, Nightmare is the animatronic she told you not to worry about. If you think defending against just one animatronic sounds easier than dealin' with the usual four, you'll be happy to hear that you're wrong. While the other animatronics are fast, Nightmare can straight up teleport. Given that he's a giant robot, Nightmare is pretty damn strong, too.
Wiz: That's right, Boomstick. The Crying Child stands absolutely no chance against Nightmare, and must use his doors to keep the animatronic from reaching him in the first place. If it gets in, then, well...
Cue Nightmare death screen
Boomstick: That's just uncomfortable.
Wiz: Killing the Crying Child is quite impressive, as the Crying Child was able to resist Fredbear's jaw pressing down on his skull, and was only crushed when he caused a springlock failure. Since other animatronics designed to be safer than Fredbear were capable of biting hard enough to destroy the frontal lobe, this means that Fredbear was biting with enough force to crack a human skull open.
Boomstick: Also, Nightmare's made entirely out of metal, and has sharp claws and several rows of teeth lining his jaws, as well as teeth on his..stomach, that's..weird.
Wiz: It wouldn't be the strangest thing in Nightmare's arsenal. If Nightmare is having trouble reaching a target, it can summon its own head next to them. If the head goes unchecked for too long, Nightmare can teleport to it and attack.
Boomstick: What the fuck? How is that even possible?!
Wiz: The source of Nightmare's power is that it originates from the hyperactive imagination of a child. It may be impossible for some of its abilities to work in the real world, but in a dream, anything goes.
Boomstick: Whoa, wait, so doesn't that just mean he can, like, do anything?
Wiz: That's wrong, Boomstick. Its power is limited to the Crying Child's imagination, so it would be a stretch to assume that it can do things that the child has not imagined it to do.
Boomstick: Right. So anyways, Nightmare's only weakness is that he isn't real.
Wiz: Shut up. For the purposes of this show, we are basing Nightmare's abilities off its portrayal in the Crying Child's dreams, and applying those abilities to the real world.
Boomstick: Great. Now he's fucking real. Thanks for that, Wiz.
Cue Nightmare's jumpscare from Ultimate Custom Night.
Nightmare: I WILL VOMIT YOU BACK, TO RELIVE YOUR HORROR.
Intermission[]
Wiz: Alright, our combatants are set, and we've run the data through all possibilities.
Boomstick: It's time for a DEATH BATTLE!
DEATH BATTLE![]
Late at night in Albuquerque, New Mexico, Saul Goodman walks out of his office. His work for the day has been finished. Failing to notice a shadow moving across the strip mall, he calls out to his secretary.
Saul Goodman: Hey, Francesca. Why don't I follow you home?
Francesca: No.
Saul Goodman: Hey, wait, no, for protection! Oh, come on!
As Francesca leaves, Saul takes a step over to his car, only to stop when he hears laughter echoing through the parking lot. A ringing noise can be heard as a pair of red eyes glow in the darkness behind Saul.
Nightmare: JIMMY...
Saul turns around, startled, only to see a hulking animatronic monstrosity standing over him.
Saul Goodman: What the shit?!
Nightmare: I AM HERE TO COLLECT WHAT LITTLE REMAINS OF YOUR SOUL.
Saul just stands there, petrified. In the blink of an eye, Nightmare disappears. Confused, Saul begins to calm down, wondering whether or not what he just saw was real. Just as he continues walking to his car, Nightmare reappears behind Saul, swiping at him from behind.
FIGHT![]
The attack launches Saul into the wall of his office. Slowly, he gets up. Saul's perspective is seen as Nightmare charges towards him at blinding speeds. As Nightmare gets up close, Saul panics and blindly throws a punch at Nightmare, sending the animatronic reeling. Nightmare laughs.
Nightmare: I WILL ENJOY YOU...
Saul Goodman: I don't mean to dash your hopes, but, uh...you're not my type.
With that, Saul bolts away from Nightmare, only for the animatronic to appear right next to him.
Saul Goodman: Are you kidding me?!
Nightmare grabs Saul and slams him into the wall, before dragging him across the parking lot and onto the sidewalk. Saul flails about and knocks Nightmare away with a kick to the face. He gets himself up off of the ground and picks up a nearby street sign, before swinging it at Nightmare, hitting it in the face. Saul continues to swing at Nightmare, battering its head and chest as the animatronic starts putting its arms up to block Saul's swings. Nightmare grabs the sign and breaks Saul's combo, before tearing the sign out of his hands and tossing it to the other side of the street. The twisted creature approaches Saul, its shadow looming over the lawyer as fear begins to creep back onto his face.
Saul Goodman: Hey, we can talk about this, right? What can I do for you? Just tell me! Anything!
Nightmare: YOUR TRICKS CANNOT SAVE YOU NOW.
Nightmare picks Saul up by the torso and unhinges his jaw. Saul kicks and flails around, trying desperately to escape.
Saul Goodman: WAIT! NO!!! JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT!!
Saul's pleas fall on deaf ears as Nightmare plunges his head and upper torso into its gaping jaw. It bites down on Saul, its razor sharp teeth tearing through his flesh as Saul cries out in agony. Nightmare continues to press down, its immense bite force slowly but surely crushing Saul's ribcage, before it all culminates in an earsplitting noise.
BANG!
Nightmare and Saul are blasted away from each other and knocked to the ground, blood oozing from Saul's chest as smoke rises from the gun in his hand.
Saul Goodman: I think you broke one of my ribs...asshole...ugh, and I'd just bought this suit, too!
Saul rises to his feet, before limping away.
Nightmare recovers from the bullet Saul had fired into its throat.
Nightmare: THIS ISN'T OVER...YOUR NIGHTMARE HAS JUST BEGU--
Saul runs over Nightmare in his car. Nightmare's upper body gets caught on the hood as Saul continues to drive forward. Nightmare attempts to claw its way onto the vehicle, but Saul intentionally drives over every speed bump in town, knocking Nightmare back down to the front of the car. Saul is too fixated on the road to notice a black robot bear head appearing in his back seat, and after a few seconds, Nightmare disappears from the hood and teleports into the car. Saul panics as he tries to avoid Nightmare's attacks while maintaining control over his vehicle. Nightmare manages to force its way into the passenger seat, and Saul is forced to prioritize fending off the giant monster sitting beside him, losing control of the car in the process. Saul's car goes off of the road, sending them careening into God knows where. Seeing that the car is about to collide with a house, Saul takes cover. Nightmare prepares to pounce on Saul, only to be stopped immediately as the car finally crashes.
When Saul comes to, he finds that he's crashed into an empty bedroom, his totalled car laying on the opposite side of the room as it begins to spread fire to the walls. It seems that no one has lived here for a long time. As Saul regains his bearings, he hears heavy breathing coming from behind him. He looks back to see Nightmare, standing at the foot of the bed.
Saul Goodman: I guess we're past the point of negotiation by now.
Nightmare: I WILL RELISH IN YOUR AGONY.
Saul Goodman: Figured as much.
Nightmare swipes at Saul, clawing through his bulletproof vest. Saul Goodman retaliates by decking Nightmare in the mouth, before following up with several blows to its torso. As Saul is throwing punches, Nightmare suddenly opens the mouth on its stomach and bites down on Saul's hand. Saul pulls out his AMT Backup with his other hand and shoots Nightmare in the chest, launching the combatants a couple feet away from each other and tearing Saul's bloody arm away from Nightmare's mouth. Completely exhausted, Saul brings his gun back up to point towards Nightmare and shoots it. Nightmare starts to recover, so Saul fires once more, before overwhelming Nightmare completely with a hail of bullets, sending it to the ground.
The fire continues to spread, now surrounding the fighters. Nightmare slowly rises up from the floor, the flames casting a massive shadow on the wall as it does so. Saul attempts to fire once more, only to be met with an empty click - he's out of bullets. Nightmare slowly walks over to Saul, its huge frame blocking any exit Saul could take. Saul is once again gripped by fear.
Adrenaline fills his body.
Saul Goodman: RRRAAAAAAAGGHHHHH!!!!!
Saul angrily charges at Nightmare and tackles it to the floor, before kneeling on top of it and punching it in the face over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. Nightmare starts clawing at Saul's torso, tearing through the sides of his vest, but failing to reach his flesh. Nightmare's face becomes covered with deformities as the holes in its shell become larger and larger, gradually revealing its endoskeleton. The house around them begins to collapse, with a flaming plank landing next to Saul. He picks it up, before bashing Nightmare over the head with it as many times as he possibly can. Nightmare's head starts to break apart, and its endoskeleton skull is left completely vulnerable. Saul grabs Nightmare by the sides of its skull. Nightmare desperately flails around, attempting to bite Saul, but finding itself unable to reach him. As Saul presses his fingers into its skull, Nightmare feels utter and absolute fear for the first time in its life, only for even that to be taken from it as Saul brutally rips its head from its body. Electricity crackles over Nightmare's neck, gradually weakening and dying with the animatronic. Saul groans and collapses before his fallen enemy.
Saul Goodman: ...I guess...I'll have to pay for the suit...
K.O.![]
Saul Goodman goes to court for all the property damage he caused during his fight with Nightmare.
Nightmare's body burns away in the house.
Boomstick: WHAT?!
Wiz: This was an extremely close match.
Boomstick: WHAT?!
Wiz: Nightmare may have been powerful in its own right, but in the end, Saul's strength proved to be too much for the personification of death.
Boomstick: WHAT?! HOW?! He's a goddamn robot bear! HE'S THE FUCKING EMBODIMENT OF DEATH!
Wiz: Nightmare may look scary, but its only feat is killing a child, putting it at below average human level.
Boomstick: WHAT THE FUCK?
Wiz: Meanwhile, Saul Goodman, the absolute powerhouse, clocked in at a whopping 5 kilojoules, enough to easily one-shot any average human being. He also kicked down a locked door, whereas Nightmare couldn't even get through a door being held shut by a child.
Boomstick: Wait, but didn't that weepy kid endure Fredbear's jaw pressing down into his skull? I thought Nightmare was way stronger than him!
Wiz: Well, he did...for a few seconds...but the animatronics in Five Nights at Freddy's have only ever been shown to have enough bite force to crack a skull, as seen in the Bite of '87. Considering that outright crushing a skull requires only 3 kilojoules, Saul's energy output of 5 kilojoules is far superior to what the child briefly resisted. Also, we don't actually have any idea how Nightmare kills you, or how long it takes, so...really, Nightmare isn't necessarily that much stronger than the Crying Child. Its only reliable method of harming Saul was with its claws, but even then...Saul has a gun.
Boomstick: But what about Nightmare's speed? How do you fight someone when they just keep teleporting away?
Wiz: Nightmare may run fast, but its reactions aren't that quick, as it was consistently unable to attack the Crying Child before he could close the door on it. It would certainly have trouble teleporting out of the way of an attack, let alone a bullet.
Boomstick: Hurrah! Another victory for firearms!
Wiz: Nightmare was a horrifying opponent to face off against, but Jimmy had everything he needed to Saul all over his enemy.
Boomstick: Nightmare didn't call Saul.
Wiz: The winner is Saul Goodman.