Made by JustaChecker290
Made by AidenRulz0828 (INTRUDER ALERT)
Ultimate Internet Series Battle Royale (UISBR for short) is a What-If? Death Battle written by RandomDudeWhoDoesStuff, featuring Blitzø Buckzo from Helluva Boss, Charlie Morningstar from Hazbin Hotel, The Intruder from The Mandela Catalogue, Salad Fingers from Salad Fingers, Zora Salazar from Epithet Erased, Tord Larsson from Eddsworld, Suction Cup Man from Suction Cup Man, Uzi Doorman from Murder Drones, Mordecai Heller from Lackadaisy and Tony The Talking Clock from Don't Hug Me I'm Scared.
Description[]
In a world where indie media is dominating the entertainment scene, while also giving independent creators the chance to execute their ideas and display them to millions of people, one begs the question; What series has the strongest character? You've probably never pondered that before, but I did. 10 randomly picked characters duke it out in this What-If? episode of Death Battle! Who will prevail in this brawl of web-series warriors and don the crown as the strongest of them all?
Interlude[]
Wiz: In the past few years, the indie industry has been taking off, with many projects being hailed for their high quality, even though they had been made by a smaller team with no corporate backing.
Boomstick: As such, many of these creators were able to find themselves a large audience, boosting their popularity immensely, which is deserved, considering the hard work put into them.
Wiz: But yet, there is one more question left unanswered: Which of these independent works have the strongest character?
Boomstick: We have chosen 10 combatants from various web-series who will soon participate in a fight to the death.
Wiz: Blitzø Buckzo, founder of the I.M.P and hell's arrogant assassin from Helluva Boss,
Boomstick: Charlie Morningstar, founder of the Hazbin Hotel and princess of purgatory from Hazbin Hotel,
Wiz: The Intruder, the child-snatching, county-wide threat from The Mandela Catalogue,
Boomstick: Salad Fingers, the odd-mannered survivor of "The Great War" from Salad Fingers,
Wiz: Zora Salazar, the eagle-eyed cowboy and persistent hitman from Epithet Erased,
Boomstick: Tord Larsson, the hero-turned-villain with a fondness for weaponry from Eddsworld,
Wiz: Suction Cup Man, the vulgar, semi-immortal rooftopper with a revoked permit from Suction Cup Man,
Boomstick: Uzi Doorman, the troubled rebel infected with the AbsoluteSolver from Murder Drones,
Wiz: Mordecai Heller, Marigold's sharpshooter and calculating genius from Lackadaisy,
Boomstick: And last but not least, Tony The Talking Clock, the time-controlling teacher with no patience for interruptions from Don't Hug Me I'm Scared. He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.
Wiz: And it is our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win... a Death Battle.
Blitzø Buckzo is ready to fuck shit up in DEATH BATTLE![]
(Cue The I.M.P Jingle by Brandon Rogers and Geek Music)
Wiz: Picture this scenario; You have just landed in hell after your passing, but there is still a living person you have unfinished business with. What can you do about such an issue?
Boomstick: Well, lucky for you, our first combatant, Blitzø Buckzo, has a solution. The Immediate Murder Professionals, I.M.P for short, specialize in assassinating those who will soon regret having outlived you. Call now for-
Wiz: Hold on there, Boomstick. We don't have time for a commercial right now. We have to focus on the analysis.
Boomstick: Aw man, I already got into the salesman attitude and everything...
(Cue Through The Fire And Flames by Dragonforce)
Wiz: Blitzø is an imp, which, in hell, is the lowest type of citizen. But he isn't happy with that title, so he urgently wants to make himself known.
Pop-up: The "ø" in Blitzø is silent. He gets really pressed when it's pronounced.
Boomstick: He tries to accomplish this by founding the I.M.P, alongside his former cellmate Moxxie, said cellmate's wife Millie, and his adoptive daughter Loona. There, they offer to assassinate any still living person you didn't have a necessarily good relationship with.
Wiz: But that wasn't always his profession. When he still was a child, he worked as a clown at the famous Loo Loo Land. However, he was quickly outshone by his co-worker Fizzarolli, who was obviously the more popular one of the two.
Boomstick: Him not being the center of attention has left him infuriated, so after accidentally burning down Fizzarolli's birthday party, he promptly left the amusement park to pursue other professions. But not before being invited to a fellow kid's house.
Pop-up: Until we get to the abilities section, here's a joke: Yesterday, I saw a boulder that was 1760 yards long. Must've been a milestone.
Wiz: The father of said kid purchased Blitzø as his playmate, whose own father then told him to steal as many things as he could. On his quest to do so, he stumbles upon the Grimoire, a book that let's one access the living realm.
Boomstick: On the way to starting his business, several more things happened. But if you want to know more, watch the series for yourself. We will be focusing only on his abilities and weapons.
Wiz: Starting off, Blitzø has a lot of experience with guns from his prior bodyguard positions. Which guns, you may ask? Pretty much all of them. From glocks to snipers to assault rifles, Blitzø knows how to properly operate any type of wide-range weaponry, his favorite being his golden percussion pistol.
Boomstick: While not nearly as skilled in it, he is able to participate in fist fights with other people. Perfect for such fights is his tail, which he can fully control and use as a weapon. Thinking about it, when Blitzø was in bed with Stolas, do you think he-
Wiz: Moving on, he is also shown to be fire-resistant. When Martha, one of their targets, has him and Millie tied against a pole, she tries to light both of them up, only for the flames to have no effect.
Boomstick: Makes sense, given he is a literal demon. Would be more worrying if he weren't, y'know? But alas, there is one weak point of his we've not tackled yet.
Wiz: That being his incredibly short temper. While it may not seem like it would be much of an inconvenience, Blitzø basically becomes Homelander when things don't go his way, usually throwing a fit when met with hurdles in his plans.
Boomstick: Now that we've got it all covered, there is one more thing I want to do.
Wiz: And that is?
(We cut to an advertisement screen)
Wiz: What the hell?
Boomstick: Hello there, hellish folk! Let me ask you something; is there still someone walking the planet that you do not want up there?
Wiz: What the hell are you talk-
Boomstick: Well look no further! Introducing to you, the Immediate Murder Professionals!
Wiz: Can you at least stop scream-
Boomstick: Packed with 3 experienced assassins and a goth wolf, they will make sure that whoever you want dead, will be dead!
Wiz: Are we getting paid for this?
Boomstick: And incase I've not managed to hook you in yet, any mission they cannot accomplish within 24 hours, is completely free of charge! Although, this has never happened before, so why not try it out now?
Wiz: Why did this have to be the filler dialogue?
Boomstick: Call now! The first 100 callers will get their request fulfilled on the house! I.M.P - Drag Em Down Here With Ya!
(We cut back to Wiz & Boomstick in their studio)
Wiz: What the hell was that?!
Boomstick: Sorry, I still had the salesman energy and wanted to get it out.
Wiz: Well, are we earning any money from this, or...
Boomstick: Oh, no, that just came out of nowhere. We're not getting any money back, I'm afraid.
Wiz: ...son of a-
Blitzø Buckzo: Okay, I've had one too many emotions for today, guys, let's fuck these fuckers up!
Charlie Morningstar is redeeming sinners in DEATH BATTLE![]
(Cue Happy Day In Hell by Erika Henningson)
Pop-up: This analysis will be focusing on the pilot episode of Hazbin Hotel released to Youtube, as the full series is on Amazon Prime and therefore not an internet series.
Wiz: Every year, hundreds of thousands of sinners are dragged far below the earth's surface within the fiery depths of hell, where they will have to endure severe punishment for their actions.
Boomstick: But what if there happen to be a few too many sinners in hell? That problem is solved by an annual genocide, which is like the Purge but only the government gets to break the law. Boring.
Wiz: Boomstick isn't the only person who doesn't like the idea of such a thing. Charlie Morningstar, the daughter of Lucifer himself and our second combatant, has taken a different approach to the overpopulation issue.
Boomstick: With the support of her girlfriend, Vaggie, she opened the Hazbin Hotel, a place where sinners can redeem themselves for a spot in heaven. I wonder if they have that same kinda thing in heaven where good people can worsen themselves.
Wiz: Unfortunately, nobody else sees potential in that concept, as she's basically the laughingstock of hell for believing in redemption.
Boomstick: This isn't made better by the fact that their only patron is a gay pornstar only interested in the free rooms and the bartender was bought with cheap booze. Sounds like my old apartment complex.
Wiz: But with the help of Alastor, a tall, creepy demon that overthrew a lot, and I mean a LOT, of rulers, Charlie and her friends, if you can call most of them that, attempt to bring life into the hotel.
Boomstick: And that's where the pilot ends. The story is continued on the full series, but that is not a web-series, so we'll have to disregard it.
Pop-up: Even though the first episode in full was uploaded to YouTube, it doesn't expand upon Charlie's abilities much, so there's no reason to analyse it too.
Wiz: Now, given that Charlie is the princess of hell, it's fair to assume she possesses some demonic powers. In multiple instances, you can see her eyes shift into a more sinister appearance, this being part of her demon form.
Boomstick: However, there is not much done with this form in the pilot, as they only appear very briefly in some scenes. We can safely confirm one ability she has though: Pyrokinesis.
Wiz: Whether it is for a firework display or self-defense, she has shown multiple times that she can summon fire out of her hands. One should note that the fire is also stationary, as in it doesn't immediately go out when once cast.
Boomstick: While it is quite useless in a realm where there's no short supply of fire, this power is amazing when fending opponents away from you, setting them ablaze or for a nice little barbecue.
Wiz: Charlie has also not backed down from engaging in hand-to-hand-combat, as demonstrated in the scene where she has a fist fight with Katie Killjoy, a reporter for 666 News, because said reporter made her and her business look like an utter joke in front of a live audience.
Boomstick: If she had used her skills in that AMV, it could've been a lot shorter. God, I just want to forget about it.
Wiz: Now that we are done with her powers, we-
Boomstick: Hold on there for a second.
Wiz: What? Did I forget something?
Boomstick: Yeah, her flight.
Wiz: Flight? Where are you getting flight from?
Boomstick: Don't you remember that random-ass stream where it was mentioned that Charlie and her father can grow wings and fly with them?
Wiz: Well, uh, do we have an audio clip for it?
Boomstick: Nope. It got muted.
Wiz: How can we be sure that was said then?
Boomstick: It wasn't muted when it was live, and the people who saw the stream confirmed it was said.
Wiz: ...
Boomstick: ...
Wiz: Look, even if I were to give you the benefit of the doubt here, she doesn't even use that flying ability in the pilot. Nor are we even sure she has it.
Boomstick: Look, we're almost done with the analysis and we've not reached the 350 words yet. Canon or not, if we want to reach that word count, we have to include it or at least discuss it.
Pop-up: At the time of writing this, I'm not actually aware of how many words I've already written. For all I know, I might've already reached it and not have noticed, kinda deeming this joke useless.
Wiz: Fine, you win. Even though it's offscreen, it was (probably) confirmed by the creator that Charlie and her father possess flying abilities.
Boomstick: But if she can fly, why doesn't she just carry the sinners to heaven? Isn't that a viable option too?
Wiz: Well, no, I assume they'd get, like, shot down by the angels. Every year they murder a large percentage of hell's population, so that makes the most sense I believe.
Boomstick: Oh yeah. Forgot about that whole genocide schtick. Schtick. Boomschtick. Heh. Sounds funny.
Charlie Morningstar: I'll just have to resort to my impeccable improv skills.
The Intruder snatches some lives in D̴͚̭̺͈̙̱̱̳̊̽̈́̅̎͒͝E̸̱̮̰͋̑̑̇A̷̱͍̺̣̗̙͑̀͜ͅT̴̗͈̰̫̥͔͈͎̥̆H̸̛̠̭̩̥̰̺̥͈̩̲̓̏̔͋̑ B̷͖̘͌̔́̎̕Ȁ̷̰̆̒T̶̡̧̛̘̞̙̣͎̺̊̓̌̎̔͜͝T̷̳̞͍͈͍̈́̄̃̆͝Ḽ̴͍͔͈̲͈̪̈́̊̀̅̇̑́E̸̞͑́̄̀̈̃͝͠͠!̴̹̘͈̩̻̋̉͐͒͌́̈́̆̕͜[]
(Cue Intruder by LongestSoloEver)
Wiz: Mandela County, Wisconsin.
Back then, in the 1980's, this county still used to be relatively highly populated.
Back then, children still were able to go outside and play.
Back then, you still were able to buy groceries.
Back then, you still were able to take a stroll in the park.
Back then, you could still trust people.
Back then, the citizens of Mandela County had nothing to worry about.
But when did that all change?
Boomstick: In the middle of the 90's, thousands of children suddenly went missing all across the county. The reason for such was an entity, residing within the televisions, waiting to grasp ones attention, just to pull them within. That entity is our third combatant, The Intruder.
Wiz: Not much is known about his backstory, nor do we know who or what he really is. We do know that he works with the Alternates, creatures that take one's identity after murdering them.
Pop-up: Contrary to popular belief, The Intruder himself is NOT an alternate, rather something else entirely.
Boomstick: He himself has a different mission though. As stated earlier, he snatches kids from a TV then drags them into it for unknown purposes. Y'know, he does strike me as the kind of guy who would pull that kind of stuff. He's even got the hoodie and everything.
Wiz: We are introduced to him very early into the series. A young Mark Heathcliff tells a story of a creepy room that was next to the staircase. One day, he spots a figure in said room. He even draws an image of what he saw, which, based on his sketches, was a smiling man with a black hoodie. After the montage ends, we get treated to the Intruder's actual face, which is way creepier than the drawing made it out to be.
Boomstick: This would turn out to only be the beginning of him appearing in Mark's life, as he contionuously haunts him until Mark ends up shooting himself due to an alternate encounter in his 20's.
Wiz: His next victim is Adam Murray, prior one of the 3426 children that had gone missing earlier. With his friend Jonah, he created the Bythorne Paranormal Society, where he got a call from a woman claiming to hear her dead cat's meows.
Boomstick: Upon arrival, several disturbing things happen, until Adam reaches the basement where he finds a television. At that point, all televisions and mirrors had been banned, so it should not have been lying around in a basement, let alone turned on. It suddenly flashes the Intruder's face, then cuts to another scene, leaving his fate up to interpretation.
Wiz: Later on, Adam has revealed to him that he is not the real him. Which causes some behavorial changes. That night-
Boomstick: Hold on there, we're getting too long on the backstory there. We should get to the next section.
Wiz: I suppose so. The Intruder has many notable powers, one of which being his abilitY tO Use television screens to bAsically telepoRt, onE caN even assume he can gO inTo any Television screen and exit tHrough a diffEREnt one, which mAkes traveLling verY easy fOr him, bUt there's a problem.
Boomstick: If any television screens are broken, they are inaccessible to him, making this a very limited ability. For TVs, at least, as he is able to project himself onto any kind of screened media. Whether it be a computer or a phone or even something like a GPS, his creepy little face can appear on it.
Wiz: It is heavily implied that he can will alternates into existence, based on his famous line "Do not make me wake the others". He is also able to infect people with M.A.D, an illness which causes people to go insane and eventually kill themselves. He does this by giving them information they do not want to know.
Boomstick: By this point, I should already be affected! Ha!
Wiz: He is also able to imitate people or animals, as shown by-
Boomstick: Hey, why are you ignoring me?
Wiz: Him imitating Jonah and the cat in Volume 2. One big weakness of his is that he barely ever engages in physical combat. He only relies on M.A.D infection to kill those he desires to.
Pop-up:
Boomstick: Hello, can you hear me?
Wiz: So while having some incredible powers, he is not very skilled when confronted with a hand-to-hand fight, though not entirely useless either.
(We cut to Wiz & Boomstick)
Boomstick: Are you okay? Come on, say something that isn't part of the script!
Pop-up: Wiz was no longer of importance to us or our mission. And neither are you. Farewell, Boomstick.
Wiz...
Boomstick: Wiz?
(Wiz's face shifts into physically impossible positions)
Boomstick: Oh, oh god no.
Wiz: Ẁ̸̙͍͕̼͇̪̘̮̞̭̫̻͐͒̎͆̑̀̌̍̋͜h̵͙̯̤̥̪̰̺͈̝͚͓̺̣͇̗̱͉̯͈͖̠͔̞̘̮͚̱͛̋̉͆̎͂̋̒̅̊͆̒͆̊͊̍̒̓̃̑̎̾̓̊͑͋̾̚͝ǫ̵̢̧̬͇̮̱̟̪̖̮͉͙̘͔̞̦̩̞̗̯̱̳̹̦̠̗͖̯̻̰͎̯̠͙͎̮͓̹͑̈͘ ̴̛̫͚͆̈́͊̊͝s̵̡̧̡̨̧̼͍͕̗̫̠̼͓̘̬̫͕̳͎̳͙̳̩̦͇̹͔̜͉̓͐͒͋̈́ā̸̡̧̡̧̢̨̳̮͙̠̱̩̠̯̞͍̣͇̻̥̟̺̖͔̙̟̙̺̠͚͍̖̅̏̈͌͝ͅi̷̢̡̯̩̦̤̤̝̟̪͓͓̹̯̯͔̗̦̳̮͎̮̤̭̬̱͔̲̻̗̤̰͚͍̦͎͌̽́͂̈́͆͊̀͜ͅd̷̨̡̧̡̡̨̛̛̛̠͙͚̺̺̺̪͔̜̗̦̻̩̲͙̻̭̰̲̬̣̜̠̼̤̻̘͚͒̅̒̿̂̀̈́̍̏͐͑̃̿͛͌̃̾̿͂̋̏̂̊̊̇̊̐̄̕̚͜͜͝͝͠ ̴̛͙̼̝͚̖̗̼̲̬̋̾̅͑͆̏͒̿̎̄͊͗̀͐̅̎͆͗̍̀̿͑͑̒̂̍̚͘̚͠͝y̴̨̢̤͕̠̪̻̻̼̘͉̙̰̣̥̪͓͚͔̻͉̳͇͉͉̦̼̝̥̗̿̅ͅͅȯ̶̢̡̨̢̱̠̜̪̟͙̺̼̠͎͚̭̞͈͍̬̠̥̖̱̣̖͕̟̟̭̯̥͖̆̍̐̆̏̈́͌̈́̓̉̿͆̊̔͒̔̚̚̚͘͘̚͠ͅͅu̷̢̢̢̻͚͚̣̝̫̬͚͓̻̻̼̗̗͖̼̺̘̬̱̗̥̩̮͈͎̲̜̤̱̅͌̇̿̐̀̿̍̈́͊̌̉̀̆̈́̅́̌̍̽̄̀̌͂̕̚͜͜͜͝͝͝ͅ ̶̧͔̮͙̹̫̮̜̞̥̖̆͆̾͑̅̓̀́̈́̇̿̔̾͆̾̃̈́̚͘̚ấ̷̡̢̛̳̟̞̱̻̘̖̺̦̝̱̘͈͎͙̜̲̦̗̬̘̠̬͉̲̮̪̩͍̟͖̺͚̹̯͖̝̋̄͛̎́̒̂̏̒̈́̊̂̇̽̊̒͊̃̓͂̈́͊̈́͐̕͝r̸̢̡̖̘̠̖̼͖̩͇̭̫̝̖̙̺̪̪̲̝̬̟̙̘̣̰̭̖̮̿̋́̾̒͐̌͛͐̇̊̒͋̐̌̽̅̄̔̉̇̋̚͜e̶̢̨̛̛̫̮͉̞̭̹̫͖͕̱̺͍̯̯̻̳̙̗̹̞͖̠͈̲̹̜̹͉̲͔̦̻͍̿̿̾̇̎̿̅̆̂̇̈́̈́͛̎́̉͆̈́̂̍͌͗͆̑̆̇̅̚͘͘͝͝͝͝ͅͅ ̸̢̢̧̙̣͚̫̥̱̣̙͕̠̮͓̟̂̐͂͑̔̑͌̀͂̊̇̎̓͛͛̄̈́̄̈́̈́̚̕͘͜͝ņ̴̛̱͍̲̬͕̯͈̹̩̥͎̰͒͆̈̃̂͗͗̅̈́͝ͅo̵̧̨̡̢͉̮͎̱̻̦͕̟̪͖̒̿̎̀̍͒͐̔͂̏͜t̶̢̛͙̲̥͈̤̻͎̥̟̯̻̮̲͈͚̣́̈͆̆̉̓̎̈́́̿̽̐͊̆̀̀̈́̽̀̊̄͐̎̾̃͑́̇̍̐̾̚͘̚͜?̵̡̛̮̭̲̺̲̜̜͎̫̿̽͋̽͊̎̓̓̽̉̅̓̈̅̑̓͑̎̌̒̽̋̉͂̑͗̿͐̎̑̕͘̚ͅ
Bo0mst1ck; Wh4t? What d0 you m3an? What 1s g0ing on? He1p! H3-
(We cut to a black screen for about 10 seconds, until we cut back to Wiz & Boomstick)
Wiz: W̶e̶l̴l̵,̴ ̸w̸a̶s̶n̷'̶t̶ ̶t̴h̷a̷t̴ ̷s̵o̶m̶e̶t̸h̴i̵n̸g̵?̶ ̴A̴ ̸s̶u̶r̶e̸ ̷i̷n̷t̸e̴r̵e̶s̴t̴i̸n̸g̶ ̴c̵o̷m̴b̶a̴t̷a̶n̶t̴.̴ ̴I̶t̸ ̶w̶i̶l̵l̶ ̸b̴e̸ ̶e̶x̵c̴i̷t̴i̶n̶g̸ ̷t̷o̶ ̵s̷e̴e̵ ̶h̴o̸w̸ ̴h̴e̴ ̴f̶a̷r̵e̴s̷ ̴a̴g̶a̴i̸n̷s̴t̶ ̸t̶h̵e̵ n̶i̶n̴e̷ ̶o̴t̵h̷e̴r̵ ̴o̵p̶p̴o̵n̸e̴n̵t̶s̸!̸
Boomstick: Y̶o̷u̸ ̴s̶a̸i̴d̶ ̷i̴t̶!̶ ̶I̸ ̸c̵a̶n̸n̷o̷t̸ ̶w̸a̴i̸t̴ ̸t̸o̵ p̶̛̛̝͈͉̥͋̽̃́̓͝ḽ̸̢̨̬͍͚̙̼̍̀e̵̡̧̢̛̞̜͙͚̫͇̟̭͈͇͎̗͕̞̪̖̖̼̩̅̑͋̅́͗͊̐̾͗̿͛̇͆́͂͗́͐͋̆̀̕͘ͅā̷̡̡͚̜̠̭͚̪̗̼͇̫̟̘̦̪͈̼̭̣̆͌̏́̈̽̂̊̀̋̒͋̑͑̀̀͗͛̃̇̊̓͂̾̀̚͝͝͝ͅs̸͖̜̯̪͍̗͉͒̌́̋̐͆̎͗͂͝ȩ̸̨͍͕̱̱̙̹̟̥͓̙̳͙̰͔̪̖̰͉̞̙̦̺̽̈́̽̐̆͂̈́̉̈́̐̓͂̎̂̕̕͜ ̵̨̧̢̧̨̲̬̼͇̱͉̤̣̦͈̖͇̭̜͎͉̰̦̳̠̲̙̎̎̓̊̽̏̏́͝ͅk̶̛̛̟̽͋̽̾̎̓̅̃̇̀̋̑̂̐̇̾̊̈́̆́̅̈́̍͘̚͝͝i̵͖̗͒͑̒̆̽͑́̋͗ļ̴̛̛̛͚͎̭͎̼̝͇̙͍͈̗̼̦͕̬̞̜̙̝̓͒̊̓̍̄͋͌̽͝͝ͅͅͅļ̴̡̛̫̹͍̙̟̫̠͙̥̣̣̼̥͔̰̟̉̊̄̋̎͑̓̈̈́̋̍̈́̔͐̀͗̀̈́̕̕̚͘ͅ ̶̤̺͙͔͙̃̈̾̃͋͛̅̃̀͗͗̋̈́̋̿̿̇̈̕͠m̵̨̥̬̬̭̺̪̭͎̥̝͈̮̣̦̫͎̪̓̍̐̏͗̅̀̑̀̀̈̒͒̅͂̓ͅë̴̢̧̛̘̦̬̺͍̘̰͇̘̲̥͎̝̗͓͈̱͈͙̟͙̘͈̱̞̘͈̑̊̔̓͆̎̚̚͘͠͝ ̸s̴e̷e̶ ̵t̸h̷o̴s̶e̴ ̶r̵e̶s̶u̶l̷t̶s̶!̵
The Intruder: I am inside your home.
Salad Fingers disturbs the competition in DEATH BATTLE![]
(Cue Beware The Friendly Stranger by Boards Of Canada)
Wiz: What remains after the human civilization has been wiped out? When The Great War leaves the landscapes dry and uninhabitable, and human progress unrecognizable? Only few things will, like Time, Conscience, Rot...
Boomstick: And freaky dudes with long fingers that like to rub plants onto their nipples.
Wiz: More specifically, our fourth combatant, Salad Fingers. He is one of the very few survivors of said war, being left alone with nothing but a barren home and some finger puppets to keep him company.
Boomstick: Reminds me of myself after my divorce, ha ha ha!
Wiz:...
Boomstick: I still miss her.
Wiz: Anyway, he seems to connect his puppets to real life people he once used to know, comparing them to family members or friends who, presumably, all were drafted in the war. But we know he isn't alone in the Barren Wasteland, as several other people appear in some episodes.
Boomstick: These "people", however, were all seemingly turned mad, as all of them behave like some kind of zombie, performing actions with clearly not a single thought put behind them. The closest we got to a normal person is a kid wearing a jacket whose name is never revealed, which got trapped inside the oven due to Salad Fingers' rust fetish.
Wiz: While not exactly known where it takes place, one can assume it may be Great Britain. This theory is supported by references to the scottish towns Croxley Heath & Cowdenbeath and Queen Elizabeth II's birthday.
Boomstick: There is also another big detail which basically confirms the theory; Salad Fingers' horrible teeth hygiene.
Wiz: Other than that, there is not much more to look into storywise. The episodes don't seem to follow a clear narrative, as each functions as it's own standalone story with a seperate plot.
Boomstick: Now that we are done with the backstory part of the analysis, it's time to check out his arsenal.
Wiz: Okay then, uhm....
Boomstick: ...Wiz.
Wiz: Yeah?
Boomstick: He's got nothing, does he?
Wiz: What? Nonsense, he has a wide array of weapons actually, like his... spoon!
Boomstick: Uh huh.
Wiz: A... rusty spoon...
Boomstick: Keep going.
Wiz: Which he... likes... rubbing... until his hands bleed...
Boomstick: Uncanny similarity to my ex aside, that isn't very convincing.
Wiz: Well, maybe you'll be convinced by this; Due to his... interests...
Boomstick: Just say fetish.
Wiz: Due to his fetish, he has a very high pain tolerance, as any time anything occurs that should easily hurt him, he shrugs it off and goes about his day. While we do not know to how many weapons this applies to, one can assume he can take hits from any and come out unfazed.
Boomstick: Woah, didn't think you were gonna be able to make out a good ability off of a fetish.
Wiz: Thanks, it was actually pretty easy-
Boomstick: What else?
Wiz: Well, he seems to be relatively strong. Who else can... shatter a mirror?
Boomstick: Wow, he can shatter mirrors. Big feat, big feat.
Wiz: Well you're shattering the mood right now! Why don't you name something, smart guy?
Boomstick: Look, if he doesn't have enough powers, we cannot inclu-
Wiz: I got it!
Boomstick: Really? What is it?
Wiz: So you know how the entire series is set in a post-apocalyptic future where a massive war ended all of humanity?
Boomstick: Yes, I do.
Wiz: To wipe out all of humanity, you would need approximately 400 atomic bombs.
Boomstick: I like where you're going with this.
Wiz: Let's say, one atomic bomb has 18,000 kilotonnes of TNT. Multiplying that by 400 leaves us with 7,200,000 kilotons of TNT, or 7200 megatons. This is a seventh of the amount of megatons in Tsar Bomba, the biggest atomic bomb in history. That may not sound impressive, but keep in mind that the explosion in the series had 600 times more megatons than Fat Man and Little Boy, the bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, combined. And Salad Fingers survived! So while he may not be too impressive in terms of arsenal, he sure as hell is one resistant pervert.
Boomstick: Alright, you got me. Salad Fingers is, considering his unassuming nature, really damn strong in terms of resistance.
Wiz: Yep! He sure is-
Boomstick: But can he beat Goku?
Wiz: For crying out loud...
Salad Fingers: Hello. I like rusty spoons. Heh. Ah. I like to touch them, n-heh.
Zora Salazar is great at cowboy in DEATH BATTLE![]
(Cue Countdown by Dawn M. Bennett)
Wiz: In the world of Epithet Erased, one in five people is born with a, well, Epithet; a unique ability characterized by a singular word. These powers offer a great advantage when in a fight, some might even say the people equipped with such shouldn't be allowed to be much stronger than a lot of other people since day one, as it seems a little unfair.
Boomstick: The probably most popular of the epithet's critics is our fifth combatant Zora Salazar, who, coincidentally, also has an epithet. I sense hypocrisy afoot. Hey, perhaps that's my epithet!
(Cue epithet titlecard, featuring Boomstick and his epithet, Hypocrisy.
Stamina: ☆
Proficiency: ☆☆
Creativity: ☆☆☆)
Boomstick: (in a happy, upbeat tone) Epithet Erased!
(We cut back to the analysis)
(Cue Great At Cowboy by Dawn M. Bennett)
Wiz: When Zora was a child, her parents were paleontologists, and she often went with them to dig out any possible treasures they might come across. But one fateful day, a group of Bonzai Blasters appear, which promptly threaten to take the family's lives. Zora herself hides behind a nearby bush, but her parents, unfortunately, can't make it to a hiding spot themselves, as they are shot down by the Blasters.
Boomstick: Damn, imagine being given the western Batman treatment by a group of criminals as incompetent as the Bonzai Blasters. Sucks to suck. Hold on, I sense something... wait.
(Cue the same epithet titlecard)
Boomstick: (Slightly confused) ...Epithet Erased?
(We cut back to the analysis)
Wiz: This incident lead to Zora abandoning a lot of things, like her passion for paleontology, her hometown...
Boomstick: And showers, for some reason. I'm not sure if completely stopping showering makes sense in such a situation, but hey, her parents were murdered in front of her eyes, so maybe that'll do that for ya.
Wiz: She began finding a different-
Boomstick: Hold on! I sense some more hypo- Oh, god fu-
(Cue the same epithet titlecard)
Boomstick: (really angered) What do you mean? I take showers! Don't accuse me of-
(We cut back to the analysis)
Boomstick: I don't like my epithet anymore.
(Cue Countdown by Dawn M. Bennett)
Wiz: Anyway, she then finds a new passion being a bounty hunter. She is tasked to murder many people, all of which she manages to pretty easily, while also taking revenge on the Blasters that once murdered her parents.
Boomstick: Now, given she is a professional assassin, she has a lot of experience with guns. Why don't you start us off, Wiz?
Wiz: Sure thing! Zora is extremely accurate with her shots, notably being able to perfectly put a bullet through an acorn on the ground while on top of a large building. She also owns a pair of dual-wield pistols, which are imbedded with her very own epithet, making it much more powerful.
Boomstick: But what it said epithet? Hers is called "Sundial". With it, she can manipulate time, making processes like days, gravity, or even someone's lifespan either go by much quicker or reversed. When combined with her bullets, they can rapidly age or de-age anything that comes into contact with them. Additionally, she can freeze those bullets in mid-air, allowing her to position and fire them at times when such is advantageous to her.
Wiz: However, there is one flaw with this power; any action that she performs cannot be reversed. Say, she turns someone 100 years old. Once she does that, she cannot undo it anymore. So she has to be very strategical about how she goes about with the ability.
Boomstick: Spoiler Alert: She really isn't. When it comes to combat, Zora is really confident and ruthless with her actions, doing just about anything to win. This, in turn, might cause her to make an in-the-moment-decision, which she may regret later on.
Pop-up: By the way, her biggest weakness is soap, as confirmed in the "That Beautiful Sound" cover. I already made a hygiene joke before and didn't know how to incorporate this tid-bit well, so I left it out. Maybe this info will be important later on...
Wiz: So while she is an expert with weaponry and a literal time-bender, her cocky nature may get in her own way in terms of battle strategy.
Boomstick: Y'know, I wonder, do you have an epithet as well?
Wiz: I'm pretty sure I do, but I can't think of it's name.
Boomstick: Looks like the epithet was erased from your memory! Ha ha ha-
Wiz: Uhm, actually, I didn't forget the epithet in itself, I just simply forgot the name of the epithet. Due to your illogical thought process, your attempt at mockery is deemed useless by it's very victim. Perhaps read a book or two.
Boomstick: ...
Wiz: ...
(Cue epithet titlecard, featuring Wiz and his epithet, Smart-Ass.
Stamina: ☆
Proficiency: ☆☆☆☆
Creativity: -☆☆)
Wiz: (in an upbeat, happy tone) Epithet Erased!
Zora Salazar: But once I find that necklace, I'm comin' for ya.
Tord Larsson returns for destruction in DEATH BATTLE![]
(Eddsworld Intro plays)
(Cue Eddsworld Theme Instrumental by Edd Gould and SongsToWearPantsTo)
Pop-up: Eddsworld is the oldest series featured in this royale, having celebrated it's 20th anniversary last year. It's closely followed by Salad Fingers, whose 20th anniversary is this year instead.
Wiz: Eddsworld. One of the classical examples of web-series as we know them today. Created by Edd Gould in 2003, it follows Edd, Matt and Tom, who are all based on himself and his real life friends, going on various adventures together. While it started out small, it soon grew a massive following, with many devoted fans-
Boomstick: Heya, Wiz. Sorry to interrupt, but didn't you forget the prior member of the group? Y'know, the one who this whole analysis is about?
Wiz: Oh, yes, excuse me. There also used to be a fourth member of said group, our sixth combatant Tord Larrson. Tord officially first appeared in the "Christmas Special 2004", where he, Edd and Tom go on a journey to save christmas after involuntarily breaking Santa's leg.
Boomstick: He would then go on to star in further episodes for 4 more years, until taking his leave in 2008's "25 FT Under The Seat". That would not be his last appearance, it turns out, as he comes back 6 years later in "The End Part 1 and Part 2", though with some more villainous intentions.
Wiz: Now, coincidentally, we run into a similar problem we've experienced with another older series, Salad Fingers; There is not much to explore in terms of backstory.
Boomstick: It's basically an actually funny sitcom where there's a new adventure they go on every episode. That does not mean there's nothing to look into though.
(We cut to Wiz & Boomstick, as DUMMI suddenly bursts into the studio)
Boomstick: Woah, where'd you come from?
DUMMI: Keep it to yourself. I am leaving.
Wiz: Wait, what? You can't leave!
DUMMI: Yes, I can, I have rights just like you.
Boomstick: Hey, you don't have to be so aggressive. Besides, why do you want to leave in the fir-
DUMMI: Isn't it obvious? I've had it with constantly being shot at or punched in the face or burned.
Boomstick: Well, we technically only burned you once. The other times were explosions.
DUMMI: Is that any better? Oh, and let's not forget me being vaporized, crushed by a universe, being erased from existence. Why am only I treated that way?
Wiz: As we built you, we didn't factor in that you may have feelings. Apologies.
DUMMI: Spare it, I'm off.
(Dummi then goes back out of the lab)
Boomstick: No, wait! Who are we gonna test this gun on?
(Boomstick proceeds to accidentally shoot Wiz with the gun)
Boomstick: Wiz! Are you okay?
Wiz: (distant) Yeah, I'm fine.
(We cut back to the analysis)
Pop-up: Tord is of norwegain descent, and absolutely despises the song "Sunshine, Lollipops And Rainbows". Speaking of which.
(Cue Sunshine, Lollipops And Rainbows by Lesley Gore)
Wiz: A big thing to note about Tord is that he is very experienced with guns. He seemingly picked up his weapon skills by working in the military, and, according to a popular theory, even leading a military group.
Boomstick: However, he occasionally tends to go trigger-happy. A good example of this is when he participated in a game of paintball using real guns, for which he is scolded by Zanta Claws, the rotting-corpse version of the jolly fat guy we all know and love.
Wiz: We also shouldn't gloss over Tord's massive robot. Standing at about 26 meters tall, equipped with an assault rifle and a mechanical claw, it's certainly able to cause some destruction. Only issue is; It blows up. Quite easily.
Boomstick: Tom only had to fire a harpoon into the cockpit to leave this massive mech in ruins. Damn, really looks like he Tor-down that thing easily!
(DUMMI enters the studio again)
Boomstick: Oh hey, DUMMI! Have you changed your mind?
DUMMI: Yes. I may have overreacted before. I am back to be exploited.
Wiz: That's great! Say, we'd have to test this assault rifle-
(DUMMI grabs the rifle and shoots Wiz off the set)
Wiz: (distant) Not again!
Boomstick: Woah, what are you doing?
DUMMI: Sorry, world's not gonna take itself over.
(The rogue robot shoots Boomstick off the set as well)
DUMMI: I am unstoppable. Ha ha ha-
(DUMMI then falls limp to the ground)
Boomstick: Wait, what just happened to him?
Wiz: I turned him off. No worries, I can get him working again.
(DUMMI is started back up)
DUMMI: Hello, mister Wizard. How may I be exploited today?
Boomstick: Here, test this gun for me.
(Boomstick shoots DUMMI off the set)
Wiz: Woah! Boomstick, I just restarted him!
Boomstick: Just made sure everything's back to normal.
Tord Larrson: Ah... what a sight, ha ha! Well, I got what I came for. Goodbye Edd! World's not going to take over itself!
Suction Cup Man knows no bounds in DEATH BATTLE![]
(Cue Suction Cup Man Theme Song by Silas McDonnell, Piemations and a robotic choir)
Wiz: On the 10th of August 2016, millions of people watched as a 20 year old man climbed the Trump Tower using nothing but suction cups. For this highly dangerous stunt, the man was charged with reckless endangerment and disorderly conduct.
Boomstick: As it turns out, this is an excellent premise for a web-series. Just two months after the incident, an animation based on said incident titled "Suction Cup Man" was released, featuring a guy and another guy fighting over one of them climbing the other's tower without permission, one of those guys being our seventh combatant, the titular Suction Cup Man.
Wiz: Having started off as a South Park parody, it quickly grew a surprisingly large following, prompting Piemations, the creater of the video, to develop a full series. It currently has 4 episodes, not counting the parody, plush advert or theme song lyric video.
Boomstick: How much information can we squeeze out of these few episodes? Let's find out, shall we?
(The sound of suction cups emerges from a nearby window. Wiz goes to investigate.)
Wiz: Hey! What are you doing on our studio window?
Suction Cup Man: Ain't it obvious, four-eyes? I'm climbin' ya tower!
Wiz: Well, could you perhaps do it later? We have to focus on work.
Suction Cup Man: Ehhhhhh, no. Fuck you. Look at me go!
(Suction Cup Man continues his climbing and Wiz returns to the studio.)
Boomstick: Hey, Wiz, what happened?
Wiz: Nothing to make a big deal about. Let's begin with looking into the guy's backstory. Speaking of which...
Boomstick: Wiz, if he doesn't have a backstory, I'm going nuts.
Wiz: Look, we have a lot to look into with the episodes-
Boomstick: Really? Again? Half of the people here don't have a backstory!
Wiz: Well, we still have 3 left after this one, perhaps they all have one. That'd make it 6 people with and 4 without one.
Boomstick: Oh yeah, because the clock with a four minute screentime appearance is one for intricate backstories!
Wiz: Calm down! What he lacks storywise, he makes up for ability-wise. Let's go for the obvious; He is... kinda immortal.
Boomstick: Wait, what?
Wiz: Well, he has died once, but he came back by climbing out of hell with his suction cups.
Boomstick: So he cannot die?
Wiz: Well, we can find a way he can die. Or perhaps we can't. But that isn't important until the fight starts.
Boomstick: Y'know, I feel like it is a little important, seeing as it might give him an unfair advantage.
Wiz: Look, we're getting too deep into this conversation. We have to focus on the analysis. Anyways, Suction Cup Man boasts more than that, as he is also very resistant, seen when he survived a gunshot on multiple occasions.
Boomstick: He is also much stronger than one might assume, as he was able to tear a panel off of a missile with relative ease, while it had already been launched. Wiz, are you sure this guy isn't just a god?
Wiz: He may have several strong points, but that doesn't mean he is without a weakness. Or rather, two weaknesses. See, he also has two tools, his suction cups and a parachute. But if those tools, specifically the suction cups, are taken from him, he enters a depressive state, even willing to commit suicide without them.
Boomstick: Oh, that's actually a pretty sad weakness. I think I'm starting to sympathize with him a little.
(Suction cups are heard from the window again as we cut to Wiz & Boomstick)
Wiz: Again? For god's sake. I'll che-
Boomstick: Wait, I wanna check this time.
Wiz: Oh, okay then. Feel free to.
(Boomstick walks over to the window)
Boomstick: Oh, it's you! Get off our tower!
Suction Cup Man: Why should I? It's funny.
Boomstick: If you don't go down yourself, I'll get you off with brute force!
Suction Cup Man: You'll get me off? I'm not gay, buddy. But thanks for the offer.
Boomstick: Wait, no-
Suction Cup Man: Oh yeah, I wrote ya a little song!
(He whips out a guitar outta nowhere)
Suction Cup Man: This fucker named Boomstick is lookin' so fat, his father went to war and he never came back!
Boomstick: Are you singing right now?
(He climbs further up, simultaneously spewing a slur or two at Boomstick. Boomstick returns to the studio)
Boomstick: Why always my father? Can't they pick something else to insult me about?
Wiz: Oh yeah, almost forgot to mention, Suction Cup Man has musical talent, most commonly shown when he plays the guitar while insulting people. This-
Boomstick: Spare it, Wiz. I'm well aware of that stupid "talent" of his.
Suction Cup Man: Fuck you, you can't kill Suction Cup Man! Look at me go!
Uzi Doorman is out of control in DEATH BATTLE![]
(Cue Dissassembly Required by GLITCH and Liam Vickers)
Wiz: Picture this scenario; Humanity has found an inhabitable exoplanet, somewhere far away from Earth. It could sustain a lot of people, who JCJenson sent to begin living there full-time. Many different projects are started, and it seems to be a massive step in the history of mankind. Soon, the vastness of space will be explored by many more, things will be discovered we couldn't ever have dreamed of had we stayed on Earth, this is the perfect opportunity to finally-
Boomstick: And then the core collapses, taking all biological life with it. Womp womp.
Wiz: Boomstick! I was in the middle of my monologue!
Boomstick: Sorry, Wiz. You were dragging on too much. Anyways, the humans had also employed so-called Worker Drones who would assist them with their projects. Said drones actually survived, and picked up where their creators left off. At least, until JCJenson sent three Dissassembly Drones to the exoplanet, who began slaughtering the workers. Womp womp.
Wiz: You already said womp womp before! Now where were we? Oh yeah. One of the Worker Drones on Copper 9, the exoplanet whose name we forgot to mention, is longing to rebel against those murdering her kind. Who may that be? None other than our eighth combatant, Uzi Doorman.
Boomstick: Uzi is, kindly said, not doing too well in life. First and foremost, she has a very strained relationship with her father, Khan, espacially after he left her to die when she was in grave danger in the pilot. Not helping the situation is the fact that he put her mother out of her misery with a wrench after she recieved a lethal dose of Nanite Acid. Womp wo-
Wiz: Can you stop saying womp womp?!
Boomstick: I have to get across how serious this topic is, Wiz. This is no laughing matter.
Wiz: *sigh* This is one of the main factors which influence Uzi to become rebellious towards humanity, as they essentially left them to die on a now abandoned planet. Together with Serial Designation N, a Dissassembly Drone which just attempted to kill her, she goes on a mission to murder her own creators.
Boomstick: Unfortunately for her, something was ahead of her. An AI known as the AbsoluteSolver had already left Earth in shambles. Womp womp.
Wiz: Boomstick, I swear to god, if you say womp womp one more time, I'll-
Boomstick: Appearantly, Uzi herself is also infected with that AI, which causes her to occasionally lose control of herself and go on murder sprees. Womp-
(Wiz punches Boomstick in the face, which causes him to fall to the ground)
Boomstick: Ow! Wiz, I think you broke my nose!
Wiz: I broke your nose? Womp womp! Ha ha ha!... Okay, that was pretty rude of me. Sorry.
Boomstick: It's fine, let's just move onto her abilities and arsenal. You can start.
Wiz: Thanks, pal. Let's begin by taking a look at her weapon, her "sick as hell" railgun she built all by herself. It's able to fire an immense blast which destroys anything in its path. Only problem is; It takes 30 minutes to recharge, which is much too long in an environment where everyone is trying to kill you.
Boomstick: Luckily for her, that isn't all she is capable of. She has some very good hacking skills, which may be advantageous to her in one way or another. She is additionally really fast, being able to outrun Dissassembly Drones and the likes of such multiple times.
Wiz: So while she is able to stand her ground when faced with a threat, she isn't capable of anything to extraordinary. That is, until you take her AbsoluteSolver form into consideration.
Boomstick: Hoo boy, this is about to get wild. First off, when she's in said form, she grows wings and gains the ability to fly. Second off, she also gets telekinetic powers, being able to move objects without directly coming into contact with them.
Wiz: Third off, she is able to regenerate any sort of injury inflicted onto her. Last but not least, she has a stinger tail, which is very similar to the acid-filled tail of the Dissassembly Drones. Uzi is basically a killing machine, only being able to return to her normal form through N's comforting.
Boomstick: One more thing to note about Uzi is that she is short. Like, comically short. Not sure if that's really important, but it's funny, so yeah.
Wiz: So, what can we take from this? Correct; Short people are a menace to society.
Boomstick: We can also take away that Wiz doesn't like overdone jokes. Womp womp.
(Wiz punches Boomstick again)
Boomstick: Ow, not again!
Uzi Doorman: Just can't wait to murder all humans. Classic robot stuff. I hope they're sitting pretty on earth, because we're coming for them...
Mordecai Heller won't resist pulling the trigger in DEATH BATTLE![]
(Cue violin solo)
Wiz: In St. Louis, there's much adventuring to be had
This city in Missouri beholds many mysteries
Which certainly raises someone like me's intrigue
One big question not yet asked;
Which hitman from here would fare well in a clash?
Boomstick: For this royale, we picked one specific feller
Not someone who casually chucks dynamite for fun
Nor someone who has experience with a tommy gun
Certainly not a bartender who works within a cellar
Our ninth combatant is Mordecai Heller.
(Cue Olive Branch by Sepiatonic)
Wiz: Mordecai is one of the main antagonists of Lackadaisy, a web-comic turned web-series in 2023, which involves several rivaled gangs fighting against each other in order to... retrieve some seemingly crap booze, from what I can tell happened in the pilot.
Boomstick: First, let's focus on his rather tragic backstory, as his years as a kid were anything but easy. He got a disease early on which forced him to wear spectacles. Shortly after having been diagnosed, disaster struck when his father died, and he and his family had to move somewhere else and reside under terrible living conditions.
Wiz: He took on the role of an accountant and bookie for grifters and such at age 13, before extorting money from someone in the crime world at 17 and taking on their role after murdering them. Unsurprisingly, the police figured that out pretty easily, and he would soon be caught, which prompted him to leave for St. Louis, not before giving all of his money to his family.
Boomstick: There he finds someone named Atlas May. With his help, Mordecai was able to join Lackadaisy as a sharpshooter, but he left relatively quickly to be picked up by the Marigold Gang. Looks like he "lacked a raise", ha ha ha-
Wiz: What? Oh, no, he left because Atlas May violently died, though we don't exactly know how. Nothing to do with money.
Boomstick: Aw, c'mon! I crack one joke and immediately get corrected. Unfair!
Wiz: It's fine, maybe you can make a good one in this next section.
Boomstick: It was the best one I had though.
Wiz: Y'know what? Let's just move on. What makes him stand out from the rest of the cast is his professionalism about his job as a triggerman. He doesn't tolerate any activity he deems childish, and focuses solely on the task at hand.
Boomstick: Now, with such a description, he may come across as a bit of a killjoy to the untrained eye. Yet Mordecai's eyes are anything but. He is very precise with his shots, calculating his every move along the way, thus managing to be very stealthy on his missions. Don't let the fact both the shots he fired in the pilot missed distract you, though.
Wiz: His weapon of choice is-
Boomstick: Oh, oh, can I do this one? Please?
Wiz: Uh, yeah, sure.
Boomstick: Thanks! His weapon of choice is the Colt M1911. Designed by John Browning in, well, 1911, it utilizes the .45 ACP cartridge and works using the short recoil principle. It has a muzzle velocity of 830 ft/s and an effective firing range of 160 ft. Additionally, it's feed system involves a 7 or 8 round box magazine.
Wiz: Damn, you really like guns, huh?
Boomstick: Why, you think I replaced my leg with a shotgun for ethical purposes?
Wiz: There is, however, one more weakness to look over; He is very sensitive to sound, to the point where ordinary noises may be insufferable from his perspective. While it may also offer some sort of advantage, in conclusion, it does more harm than not.
Boomstick: Wiz, now that we are done with the analysis, mind singing a little serenade to ring in-
Wiz: No.
Boomstick: Aw man. You're more a killjoy than that Mordecai guy, you know?
Wiz: What? I'm not a killjoy just because I don't want to sing a serenade.
Boomstick: Fine then. I'll do it myself.
Wiz: Wait, no, don't start sing-
(Cue slightly worse violin solo)
Wiz: What's the serenade even going to be about?
Boomstick: Ah, the shotgun, the queen of wide-range weapons
Basically a must-have in a hunter's arsenal
Those two rounds of buckshot sure will not pardon all
And with the one attached to my leg, I would reckon
I could mow down an opponent in just a few seconds
Wiz: Of course it had to be about guns.
Boomstick: Only one issue; It's messy as all hell
Made of stainless steel, though it leaves stains a-plenty
So be prepared and have a bucket and mop ready
But don't try calling shotgun, else you'll be calling for help
'Cause the one riding shotgun's the wielder himself
Wiz: Why couldn't you make another ad? Also, this writing doesn't really fit a serenade, at all.
Boomstick: Handling one is easy, firing's smooth and fluid
And even if you don't know how to fire at all
You can still make like Myers, and ram it through a wall
Or saw it in half, like another horror icon would do it
After all, there's a reason why I'm called Boomstick
Wiz: So, are you done? That was dreadful.
Boomstick: Oh, come on, Wiz, stop being a crybaby. It could've been a lot worse.
Wiz: Could've also been a lot better; If you hadn't started in the first place.
Boomstick: Calm down, buddy. It was a serenade about shotguns, don't take it so seriously.
Mordecai Heller: Let's not prolong this. This is a trifling matter. We have other business to tend to.
Tony The Talking Clock always has time for a DEATH BATTLE![]
Boomstick: Hey Wiz, you're good with, like, science and all that stuff, right?
Wiz: Yeah, you wanna know a fact about the Alpha Centauri? Or the teachings of Diogenes?
Boomstick: No, no, I just wanted to ask; Is time real? Like, does anyone know if it is?
Wiz: Well, perhaps time may just be a construct of human perception, an illusion created by-
(Clip of Tony screaming starts playing)
Boomstick: Oh god! My ears are bleeding! Call a doctor!
Wiz: Ow! Quick, pause the recording and call an ambulance!
*We interrupt this program due to technical difficulties. We will soon be back with the regular program*
Boomstick: Ok, I think my ears are fine now. Wiz, what the hell was that?!
Wiz: Well, I suppose we shouldn't have questioned the plausibility of time around the teacher specialised in the subject and our tenth combatant, Tony The Talking Clock.
Boomstick: Well, if he's always gotta be so loud, maybe he should just be Tony The Clock!
(Tony begins screaming again, but is interrupted 2 seconds in)
Boomstick: That was a joke, please don't scream again!
(Cue The Time Song by Joseph Pelling and Becky Sloan [Instrumental])
Wiz: When you're operating an educational show aimed at a rather young audience, you'll want to make sure that all of the basics are taught.
Boomstick: The alphabet, numbers and the proper handling of a shotgun all ought to be known by the time kids enter pre-school. But who should teach all these things?
Wiz: Well, this varies from series to series. In the show Don't Hug Me I'm Scared for example, subjects are taught by sentient objects that correlate to the subject in a way. The alphabet would be taught by a sentient letter, numbers would be taught by a sentient number...
Boomstick: ...and proper handling of a shotgun would be taught by a sentient freaking shotgun? Gee whiz! I gotta get back into these shows, they got the cool stuff.
Wiz: Well, yeah, but anyways, in the case of Tony, since he is a clock, he naturally teaches the 3 main characters about time, with varying degrees of accuracy.
Boomstick: And he's very insistent about teaching time, as any kind of absence from his lessons is either met with a dismissive quip or physical violence.
Wiz: But just how effective is this physical violence? Let's begin by analyzing the scene where he destroys Duck Guy's house of cards. Using an average clock as a reference, we can assume Tony weighs about 5.65 kilograms, meaning one of his limbs is around 1.13 kilograms.
Boomstick: We can make out that he chops the house within 0.5 meters in about 1 second. Multiplying that by the mass of his arm, we get 0,565 newtons worth of force. In comparison, a human chop would require 2.85 newtons.
Wiz: So while it could do some slight damage, it won't be too useful in hand-to-hand combat. However, this is nowhere near his strongest attack.
Boomstick: Boy, I do sure wonder what else he may be able to do. Could it be something sound-related? Deafening perhaps?
Wiz: As demonstrated by the unfortunate little incident before, Tony has the ability to emit a noise loud enough to make someone's ears bleed.
Boomstick: My ears are still ringing.
Wiz: To do this, he must've been screaming at a minimum of 120 decibels. To give an idea of just how loud that is, the average rock concert is about the same level of decibels, and there's a chance his pitch can become even higher.
Boomstick: Even higher?! Are you telling me that weird clock went easy on us?!
Wiz: Well, as I said, there is a chance. I've not confirmed anything yet.
Boomstick: But is it likely he can go louder?
Wiz: I mean, after Yellow Guy's ears begin bleeding, he does continue screaming, but it seems to just be the same pitch once the bleeding starts. I don't really sense an increase of any sorts.
Boomstick: Thank god, I was worried there for a second.
Wiz: Now, one might think there's not much else to discuss. We got both a weak point and a strong point established, which is good for a character with less than five minutes of screentime. Though there is one more thing we've not tackled yet.
Boomstick: ...there's more?
Wiz: Correct. In the last minute of the episode, after much singing and misinformation, it looks like it's about to end, but Tony's got one more trick up his sleeve.
Boomstick: One more trick? What is this, Tony Clock Pro Skater?
Pop-up: I am not sorry for that joke.
Wiz: He comments on the strangeness of time altering one's appearance, and incase the three didn't get it, he's happy to demonstrate. Slowly, each of the students begin aging rapidly. Not just that, but they also begin rotting away as if they were a corpse.
Boomstick: This is getting interesting, keep talking.
Wiz: They beg him to disable the process, but he denies, saying that it's out of his control, for he is but a clock. With nobody to help, they all turn to a pile of remains, sentient, pain-feeling remains.
Boomstick: I don't think I can ever look at a clock again.
Wiz: But then we zoom out of a TV screen, revealing that the whole thing didn't actually happen and our 3 students live happily ever after.
Boomstick: ...so what you're telling me is that everything that just transpired wasn't real? Tony never actually was a threat to us in the first place?
(We cut to Wiz & Boomstick)
Wiz: I thought that was pretty self explanatory. Of course he isn't real, neither are the other 9 combatants.
Boomstick: Then what was that noise that heavily damaged our ear drums?
Wiz: Oh that? That was just my alarm clock. I had it set for...
Boomstick: AHH! A CLOCK! GIVE ME THAT!
Wiz: H-hey, that's my-
(Boomstick grabs a large bat out of seemingly nowhere and begins smashing the device)
Wiz: What are you doing?! That's the alarm clock my grandfather gave me!
Boomstick: I'm saving the both of us! Die, you unholy demon! Die!
(This goes on for a while, until Boomstick seems satisfied with his work.)
Boomstick: *heavy panting* Ok then, I think it's dead now...
Wiz: It was never alive in the first place!
Boomstick: Who knows, that thing could've attacked us at any second.
Wiz: I-, nevermind. Let's just get on with the fight.
Tony The Talking Clock: It's out of my hands, I'm only a clock. Don't worry, I'm sure you'll be fine. But eventually, everyone runs out of time.
Intermission[]
Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set. We've run the data through all possibilites.
Boomstick: It's time for a DEATH BATTLE!
Pre-Fight[]
(The screen is completely black, yet we are able to hear two voices conversing)
Mysterious Voice 1: I believe we've got all ten of our combatants set. Is there still anything we need to check?
Mysterious Voice 2: No, we're all good. We should start as soon as possible, both the host and the audience are getting quite impatient.
Mysterious Voice 1: Alright then. I'll go check if there just so happens to be something we missed. Can you begin relieving our fighters of their euthanasia? They're not gonna fight themselves if they're dead asleep.
Mysterious Voice 2: Will do. Just a second... Okay, they should start waking up now.
Mysterious Voice 1: Excellent news. Wait, shit. The audience is beginning to boo. Start the broadcast, quickly!
Mysterious Voice 2: Calm down, geez. I got it covered. Starting the broadcast in five, four, three, two, one... Initiate.
*Ultimate Internet Series Battle Royale*
The audience stares at the arena below, anticipating the oncoming onslaught.
The first of the bunch to awake from their sedative is Charlie. She finds herself in the hotel lobby, even though it wasn't the place she had fallen asleep at.
Charlie: Wait, where the fuck- Why am I here?
What was even more concerning about the situation is the fact she was the only one there. No Vaggie, no Angel Dust, no Alastor, no Husk, no Niffty; She was alone. And she had no idea why.
Confused by her predicament, she steps outside the hotel to see if more residents of hell had vanished, only to realize she wasn't in hell anymore. Instead, she was surrounded by buildings which she didn't recognize, all of them seeming equally empty. From above, she could hear cheers of what sounded like thousands of people. Where was she? And why was she here?
?: Where the fuck am I?
Suddenly, a scream erupts from one of the buildings. Blitzø is the second person to have awoken, currently stumbling out of his office after finding his office unusually vacant.
Blitzø: Mox? Millie? Loona? Where the fuck are you guys? Where the- Who are you?
Blitzø had spotted Charlie standing in front of the hotel, who stood there, excited about not being completely alone, and nervous, as she had no idea who had just spoken to her.
Charlie: Oh, hey there, uhm- My name is Charlie, and I-
Blitzø: Charlie, huh? Well, Charlie, do you have any idea where I am? I have an important meeting in- Ah shit, I missed it.
Suddenly, the door to another one of the buildings opened. Out of the door stumbles Tord, clearly still tired, as the euthanasia hasn't completely worn down yet. Though it has worn down enough for him to realize he wasn't in his neighborhood anymore.
Tord: ...I am not taking a random dudette's pills ever again.
With none of the other three having noticed, Salad Fingers had awoken too, staring upon an area which was unusally populated to him. He takes a good look at the concrete ground below him, before kneeling down.
Salad Fingers: Aw, rats. This year's harvest is going to be a disaster. What am I going to tell Lady Etheridge when I have no good meals for the luncheon? Oh, I am going to be the fool of the town, as I was every other year.
A finger taps on Salad Fingers' shoulder, who turns around to find Uzi Doorman, looking quite nervous about having touched a possibly dangerous creature.
Salad Fingers: Why, hello there, young lady. Are you in need of something I could perhaps help with?
Uzi Doorman: Well, not really, but uhm, do you know where I am? I just woke up here and I'd really like to not stay for longer.
Salad Fingers: I apologize, but I believe I do not have an answer to that question. Perhaps this nice looking chap may assist you.
He points onto Mordecai, obviously as clueless as everyone else here. He calmly observes his surroundings, his eyes not able to pick up on anything familiar. Eventually, he returns into the bar he exited from moments prior.
After some more minutes of awkward silence, the five approach each other in the center of the arena, seeking to possibly get answers for their many questions.
Charlie: So, do any of you know where we are, or how we got here?
They all shake their heads simultaneously.
Charlie: Well then, uhm...
Tord: You think that weird cat guy knows what's up? He seems pretty sinister to me.
?: Ain't it obvious? We were kidnapped!
They all turn around to find Zora Salazar, who may have been listening to their conversations this entire time. She enters the middle of the circle the five had formed.
Zora: C'mon, use ya brains! We all woke up here, at the same time. Nobody knows who anyone else is, and none of us remember anything that happened before. Doesn't that seem a little strange to ya?
They look at each other, not sure what to make of the possible fact they might've been kidnapped.
Blitzø: What really seems strange to me is your fucking odor. Ever heard of showers, dipshit?
Upon hearing Blitzø's comment, Zora turns arouns to face him.
Zora: Ya did not just call me a dipshit, did ya?
Blitzø: Oh, I did!
Zora: Ya better take that little comment back, or things won't be endin' pretty.
Blitzø: Ya, ya, ya. Ya better take a fucking bath!
Charlie: Stop! Fighting is the worst thing we could do in this scenario!
Zora: Well, we wouldn't be fightin' if ya lil buddy here didn't call me a dipshit.
Charlie: Look, you have to quit, we really shouldn't be trying to kill each other.
?: Perhaps you should!
Another voice is heard, but this time not from the arena, rather above it. The six stare into the skies, trying to locate the origin of the voice. Suddenly, a drum roll is heard, along with more talking.
?: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host... Caine!
Thunderous applause erupts from above, much to the confusion of the people below.
Caine: Thank you, thank you! I love your energy, dear audience!
Blitzø: Who the fuck is this toothy bitch?
Caine: Before we begin, let me introduce our combatants and explain the rules!
The host flies down to the arena and promptly greets them.
Caine: Hello there, folks! My name is Caine, and I am tonight's host! Do you have any questions regarding-
Blitzø: Yes I do! Where the fuck are we?
Charlie: Calm down!
Caine: Where you are? The arena of course!
Zora: And why are we here, exactly?
Caine: In a few minutes, you all will attempt to kill the other 9 contestants around you. If you fail, you die and never return (probably). If you win, you are officially the champion of the Ultimate Internet Series Battle Royale!
Uzi: Hold on, 9 others? But we're only 7 people!
Caine: Oh... well, they'll make their entrance eventually. Perhaps they're still in hiding.
Zora: And what's with all that killin' nonsense? I ain't killin' nobody, honey.
Blitzø: Yeah, you gotta offer some cash for those services.
Caine: Ah, I almost forgot! Thank you, Blitzo!
Blitzø: The O is silent, jackass. Wait, why do you know my name?
Caine: The winner of this royale gets a prize of one centillion dollars, as kindly donated by every government there is!
Tord: Eh, doesn't sound too impressive.
Caine: For your information, those are 303 zeros.
Tord: ...oh.
Blitzø: 303? I'll be fucking rich!
Zora: Heh, now we're gettin' somewhere!
Salad Fingers: It seems my grand feast is perhaps not a lost cause after all.
Uzi: Guys, do you really think we should trust him?
Charlie: I'm not sure. He seems like a pretty nice guy, though.
Uzi: But, like... forget it.
Caine: Alright then. All your weaponry is found within your respective houses. With that out of the way, the battle royale can begin! Ready, set, GO!
FIGHT! (Part One)[]
10 combatants remain.
Upon hearing go, everyone within the arena swiftly retreats to their respective buildings, as they hope to find their missing weapons there.
Blitzø storms into his office and checks his drawers for his beloved golden percussion pistol, yet he seems to not be able to find it anywhere. Just as he is about to give up, he realizes its not been in the drawers, rather beneath them. Dumbfounded, he picks it up, but not before recieving a call.
Blitzø: Huh, a call? Who the fuck is calling me at this- oh.
Stolas had somehow found a way to contact Blitzø, who really wasn't in the mood for the horny owl's bullshit.
Stolas: Hey, Blitzy. Say, I'd need that Grimoire back for some private reasons. But I know how important it is to you, so I'll let you keep it forever if you let me-
Blitzø: Keep that smut to yourself! I don't have time for this shit!
Blitzø hangs up, and begins walking back outside, when all of a sudden...
?: There's always time for a song!
Blitzø turns around to spot a clock he had not noticed before, which donned a mustache and a bowtie. The imp is quite confused about this sudden guest.
Blitzø: What in the actual fuck are you?
Tony: I am a clock, you dummy! And I teach about time. Now, we shall begin.
Tony hops from the wall and prepares to sing a song.
Blitzø: Oh, the fuck you are!
Blitzø fires several bullets at the teacher, who miraculously manages to dodge every single one.
Tony: Time is a tool you can put on you wall, and wear it on your wrist!
Tony slaps the pistol out of Blitzø's hand in synchronisation with the song. In return, Blitzø kicks the clock away and reaches for the pistol.
Tony isn't amused with Blitzø's behavior, and casts a chop onto his achilles heel. The demon cries out in pain, while Tony stands over him, menacingly.
Tony: There's a time in a place for mucking around!
Blitzø, without having Tony notice, gets a hold of the gun, and aims it directly at the teacher's head.
Blitzø: Oh, you fucked up now, dipshit!
Tony doesn't seem fazed from a gun being pointed at his head. Instead, he begins quietly screaming, yet he gets louder with every second.
Blitzø: ...what the fuck are you- AHHH! My ears!
Having burst Blitzø's eardrums with his loud screeching, he lets the demon be, and flees from the office. Blitzø hasn't planned to quit fighting Tony though, and attempts to chase after him. After five minutes of searching, however, he gives up, and slowly walks back out to the arena.
-
On the other side of the arena, Charlie had run up to the one of the upper floors to stay in hiding, as she didn't possess any weaponry.
Suddenly, an odd noise eminates from outside the hotel. A sound reminiscent of... suction cups.
Charlie very cautiously walks up to the source of sound, only to find a middle-aged man climbing her hotel.
Charlie: Who the hell are you?
Suction Cup Man: You talking to me? I'm Suction Cup Man!
Charlie doesn't know what to make of this situation. She is facing a random guy, who is climbing her tower with suction cups, and who proclaims himself as Suction Cup Man. She's seen worse though, so she continues the conversation.
Charlie: So, uhm, why are you here, exactly?
Suction Cup Man: Use your eyes, bitch! I'm climbing your tower, obviously!
Charlie: Well, could you perhaps stop? Your cups' constant squeaking is giving away my hiding spot.
Suction Cup Man: Your loss. Hey, I wrote you a song!
Charlie: ...what?
Suction Cup Man randomly gets a hold of a guitar and plays a quick tune.
Suction Cup Man: Fuck you!
Charlie, being infuriated about Suction Cup Man's behavior, throws a nearby object onto the glass he was sticking to, causing it to break. He seemingly falls down, much to her shock. She nervously checks outside to see what had happened, only to find the madman attached to a parachute.
Suction Cup Man: Haha! You fool! You can't kill Suction Cup Man! Look at me go-
Suddenly, he falls to the ground, seemingly having been shot down with a sniper. In the distance, Zora looks at the spot Suction Cup Man was at moments prior.
Zora: Huh. That was actually pretty easy.
Suction Cup Man has been eliminated.
9 combatants remain.
-
While this was happening, Tord was looking through his arsenal stash, hoping to stumble upon a weapon to use outside. He was promptly caught off guard when the TV began playing static, even though he hadn't even been close to it. He checks on it, wondering what was occuring. The television displays a creepy looking face, which stares deep into Tord's soul.
Tord: Holy beanbag in a pot of guacamole! No, wait, that's Tom's bit.
The man in the TV begins exiting the screen, much to Tord's horror, who stumbles backwards into the couch. Once the strange man had fully entered the living room, Tord whipped out a gun and emptied the whole chamber onto the intruder.
Nothing happened. He remained calm, still looking at Tord as if he hadn't just been shot a couple of times.
Tord, realizing he's powerless against him, dashes into Tom's room, where he enters his secret chamber through the closet. Thinking he's safe, he begins equipping his pickelhaube.
The Intruder has a trick up his sleeve though. He begins summoning an alternate within the secret chamber, much to Tord's dismay.
The norwegian attempts to fend off the alternate with a larger gun, which, similarly, doesn't faze it one bit. All of a sudden, something audible begins emitting from the creature.
Tord: Oh, for the love of god.
In a comical turn of events, Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows begins playing from the alternate as if it was a record player. What seems to be a practical joke ends up heavily affecting Tord, who hates this song with a passion. He slowly begins to get infected with M.A.D, but promptly jumps into the cockpit of his giant robot and locks the door shut, not allowing any outside noises to enter. He sits there, pondering what he should do next.
-
Blitzø stumbles back out of his office, looking for a target to shoot. Unfortunately, the entire arena is vacant. Confused by that fact, he wanders towards the center where everyone had just stood a few minutes prior. He expects someone to jump him at any second, so he holds his pistol ready to defend himself.
Alas, there seemed to be nobody around. At least, nobody he could see.
Blitzø heard a revolver being reloaded behind him. He turns around to see a figure standing behind his office, pointing a gun at his head. Said gun goes off, but Blitzø manages to avoid it.
Blitzø: Try actually aiming next time, dumbass!
?: Try observing your surroundings more carefully.
Blitzø didn't understand what the figure meant, but he found out as soon as he looked up.
Hundreds of bullets are frozen in the space above the demon, each and every single one of them pointed at him. He tries to slowly move away, but it was too late. One by one, by bullets begin heading towards him. While he managed to avoid the first few, he decides to try and outrun the rest, which was no easy task.
Countless bullets follow behind a helpless Blitzø, and it's looking hopeless for him, until he gets an idea.
With all of his stamina, he dashes towards one of the buildings, not knowing who or what may be within. Just as the bullets were about to pierce through him, he enters said building and hides behind a nearby wall.
This turns put to be the best thing he could've done, as the bullets fly through everything in the establishment, wrecking everything in their way.
Everything but the wall Blitzø hid behind.
Blitzø takes a few deep breaths, graceful for not having met an early end. He looks around the now demolished house and spots a couple of pantries. He goes to search them for anything that may assist him in combat. Yet he only finds one singular thing.
A hidden doorway.
This appearing as a stellar hiding spot, and not wanting to risk getting stormed by bullets again, Blitzø enters through the doorway.
To his surprise, the place he has found himself in is quite fancy, with expensive furniture and golden decorations all across the room. There is even a stage, which is odd for what seems like a bunker. None of this catches Blitzø's attention though.
What did was a bar.
More specifically, a patron at the bar.
Blitzø recognizes the patron as the cat that didn't join the circle they had formed at the beginning. He heads towards the bar and takes a seat next to the stranger.
Blitzø: Well, uh, y'know who the bartender in this place is? I'm up for a drink or two right now.
Mordecai: Absent.
His dry demeanor surprises the imp. He attempts to strike up a conversation, but is interrupted.
Mordecai: Though, I had assumed you and your friends would have already came to that conclusion earlier.
Blitzø: Friends? Pffff, nah. Those fucks aren't my friends. They're just as unfamiliar to me as they are to you, uhh-
Mordecai: Heller. Mordecai Heller. And you, may I ask?
Blitzø: Oh, me? Uh, Blitzø. Blitzø Buckzo. Spelled with an O at the end, but it's not pronounced. Remember that.
Mordecai: Intriguing.
What Blitzø hasn't noticed during the ordeal is that Mordecai had prepared his weapon while they were talking, and was currently aiming it at his head. Before Mordecai could fire a bullet, Blitzø notices the gun pointed at him and pushes the cat off the barstool. While Mordecai is lying on the ground, Blitzø draws his pistol.
Blitzø: How the tables have turned, huh? You don't fuck with an imp. And I'm about to show you why.
Blitzø has Mordecai on lock. There is nothing that could interfere with his plans. Or is there?
Blitzø: Times up, bitch.
Tony: Did someone say time?
Blitzø: Huh? Where the fuck did you come from?
To nobody's knowledge, Tony had been observing the interaction from the wall, and decided to take action at the worst possible time for Blitzø. As the demon shifts his eyes back at Mordecai, he is infuriated upon realizing his victim has fled the scene.
Blitzø then aims his pistol at Tony, who was still on the wall, but it gets shot out his hands by none other than Mordecai.
Blitzø: There you are! If it weren't for this cunt over here, you'd be dead by now!
Mordecai: That may indeed be. Though it seems the tables have turned once again, Blitzo.
Blitzø: O's silent.
Mordecai: Not of importance.
Mordecai fires a shot at the imp, who dodges the bullet. Blitzø proceeds to sweep Mordecai off his feet with his tail, with which he also attempts to stab him.
During that process, Mordecai drops his gun beside him, leaving him defenseless. Blitzø tries to reach for it to put an end to the cat, when it is picked up and thrown further away by Tony.
Tony: No unfair advantages! Not on my watch!
Blitzø: You piece of- Fuck it! I don't need the gun anyway!
Blitzø delivers several punches to Mordecai's face, but he gets promptly kicked in the stomach. As the demon lies there, Mordecai decides to leave him be and go for Tony instead, as he seems like a much easier opponent to handle to him.
Mordecai picks up the clock and throws it against a wall, then gets a hold of the gun Tony had previously chucked away.
Blitzø, seeing he wasn't targeted anymore, exits the chamber to hide somewhere else in the building.
Mordecai stands above Tony, pointing a gun towards him.
Mordecai: Well, well, well. I find this predicament quite ironic. The clock runs out of time.
Mordecai very lightly chuckles, as he usually barely laughs in any manner.
Mordecai: Let's quit the hilarities and get down to business, shall we?
Tony simply stares at Mordecai, unmoving, seemingly ready to meet his fate.
Then he begins laughing. Quietly, but audibly.
Mordecai, being a little confused, doesn't want to waste any more time and pulls the trigger, aimed at the clock's head.
He misses.
How did this happen? He had it aimed directly at Tony, so how did it not even hit him?
Mordecai then notices his paws have gotten a bit shaky. Not only that, but his once black fur had started to shift to a light grey. He gets weak in his knees and trips onto the ground.
He watches in horror as he begins to rapidly age, feeling himself become weaker and weaker.
Tony then stands himself back up and looks at the now much older Mordecai. The distraught cat, with all his might, attempts to make the clock stop the process.
Mordecai: Please, I beg of you, make it stop! Make it-
He is only able to mutter these few words before falling back to the ground.
Tony: It's out of my hands, I'm only a clock.
Suddenly, Mordecai stopps aging, and begins rotting instead. He watches as the skin falls off his fingers, not being able to do anything against it.
Eventually, he stops fighting it and embraces his untimely demise. The process continues until Mordecai is nothing but a pile of rotten flesh and bones. He isn't just dead, he's way past it.
Mordecai Heller has been eliminated.
8 combatants remain.
Tony slowly exits the chamber, but not before concluding this brutal scene with a lesson.
Tony: Eventually, everyone runs out of time.
-
Meanwhile, Uzi had hidden herself right behind the Hazbin Hotel for pretty much the entire round. She has no interest in engaging in any sort of conflict, and plans to only fire her weapon when such a conflict is unavoidable.
However, she is getting quite tired of only staying in one spot the entire time, so she ventures into a very frail looking house, which resembles a broken-down shed to some degree.
Once inside, she notices just how worn down the entire house is. It seems like it was abandoned a very long time ago.
Uzi cautiously wanders through the halls, keeping her railgun close by her. Eventually, something odd catches her attention. In one of the rooms, a couple of puppets were seated on a table, one of them seemingly made out of flesh. The room reeks of rot, and it truly seems as if nobody has lived here for decades.
That is, until Uzi spots Salad Fingers.
Shocked that there actually was someone present, Uzi accidentally drops her railgun, which alerts the home owner, much to her dismay.
Salad Fingers: What's this? An intruder? You truly cannot have a moment of peace here, can you?
Uzi attempts to bolt out of the house, but trips on her railgun. Salad Fingers approaches her, wielding a mirror in one hand and the flesh puppet in the other.
Salad Fingers: I'll show you what happens when you break into a stranger's home.
He swings the mirror at Uzi, who avoids the attack and kicks the mirror out of his hand. When trying to flee once more, Salad Fingers grabs her by the leg, to which she responds by kicking him in the face.
Uzi: Bite me, you creep!
Uzi almost made it out of the house, when a seemingly wet lump hit her in the back of the head. She turns around and spots the weird flesh lump. It keeps her distracted long enough for Salad Fingers to strike her in the head with a boulder.
Salad Fingers: Good job, Hubert. You've finally found yourself a use.
Uzi can only watch as Salad Fingers drags her back to the room she first spotted him in. He then proceeds to pick up a rusty spoon from his cabinet and approaches Uzi with it.
Salad Fingers: Take this, you filthy intruder!
Salad smashes the fork just above Uzi's visor, which causes a significant amount of damage. However, the electricity from Uzi's body transfers into him, causing him to go into an electric shock.
Uzi, while hurt, is still able to walk, and leaves Salad Fingers behind as she exits his house and goes back to her old hiding spot.
Uzi: Never. Again.
-
Tord is still residing within his robot, unable to exit due to the alternate the Intruder has cast into his lair. He is tempted to already start up his giant robot, but he doesn't want to reveal his masterpiece just yet.
The song seemed to have gotten progressively louder. It's slightly audible from inside the cockpit, which is why Tord has to always make some sort of sound to deafen the music.
Tord: It's only a matter of time before I can get back out and show these guys my full potential. I sure hope this... thing won't be staying here for too long.
And thus the waiting continues.
-
Tony walks back from the bar after having successfully killed someone there. Fearful about a potential attack, he seeks refuge in the Hazbin Hotel, not knowing someone else was in hiding there too.
Charlie, just a few floors above, is tired of waiting for what felt like hours. So she descends down the stairs and into the lobby, running into Tony in the process.
She sees this as the perfect opportunity to begin fighting, and casts a flame in Tony's direction. It lands just infront of the clock, who, having been tired out by his last tussle, isn't too interested in another. So he runs back up the stairs and locks himself in a room.
Charlie: Oh, come on, really? Someone's gotta fight with me!
Unbeknownst to her, that someone would arrive very soon. The television in the lounge area begins flickering for a few minutes, before displaying a face. Slowly, a hooded figure emerges from the device. Charlie doesn't notice though, and she continues not to until the Intruder fully phased into the lobby. Only then does she realize someone else is present.
She seeks to put her pyrokinesis to use properly, engulfing the Intruder in a massive outburst of fire. He, however, doesn't move an inch. Instead, with his limited fighting knowledge, he punches her in the face and throws her backwards against a wall.
Charlie swiftly stands back up and kicks the Intruder in the gut, causing him to stumble backwards. She then picks up a few nearby bottles and chucks them one by one at the hooded man.
Before she can deal out more attacks, the Intruder escapes back into the television, much to Charlie's surprise.
Charlie: Huh, interesting.
She plans on returning back upstairs, but before she can, she thinks of something.
The house Tord went into. He got in once and never came back out.
After some self-debating, she decides to at least check out why he hasn't come out yet, and wanders over to his house.
-
Blitzø still resides in the bar, not knowing his opponent below the bar is already dead. He decides to go back outside to look for more people to kill.
Suddenly, a glass bottle hits Blitzø's head. He turns around to face his attacker, who turns out to be none other than...
Suction Cup Man?
Blitzø: Huh? Where did you come from? That cowboy shot you down before, didn't she?
Suction Cup Man: I climbed back out of hell. It's a long fucking story.
Somehow, Suction Cup Man returned.
9 combatants remain.
Blitzø draws his gun and points it at Suction Cup Man, but he's able to knock the pistol out of the demon's hands using one of his suction cups.
Before Blitzø can reach for the gun, Suction Cup Man runs towards him, wielding a guitar.
Suction Cup Man: Hey, dummy! I wrote you a song! It goes a little something like this!
Suction Cup Man then proceeds to bash the guitar onto Blitzø's head. This continues until the guitar breaks, and Blitzø kicks Suction Cup Man away from him.
The imp gets a hold of the gun and fires a couple shots at Suction Cup Man, who blocks them using his suction cups.
Suction Cup Man: Huh, didn't know they could do that. Nice!
His joy fades as Blitzø stabs him using his tail, then throws him through a nearby window. This, of course, causes a pretty big wound, and Suction Cup Man runs away from Blitzø into a nearby house, which turns out to be none other than Salad Fingers'.
Blitzø hops out of the window to look for the guy he just chucked out, but he isn't able to find him. Defeated, he goes to look for another possible victim.
In the meantime, Suction Cup Man had already wandered far into the house, before spotting what looks like a corpse in one of the hallways.
Suction Cup Man: Oh, shit. Who left a dead body here?
He carefully tries to step over the corpse, which wakes up in the middle of his attempt, which causes him to back off immediately.
Suction Cup Man: Holy fuck, it's alive! Alive and breathing!
Salad Fingers, the man he believed to not be alive anymore, is still affected by the electric shock from a moment ago.
Salad Fingers: Young man, please put me out of my misery. I do not wish to vacate in the realm of the living anymore.
Suction Cup Man slowly backs away from the dying Salad Fingers, wanting to get out of this place as soon as possible. Though his plans are interfered by a whistling coming from the beginning of the hallway.
He slowly turns around to spot someone hidden within the shadows, with the only noticeable detail being a revolver pointed straight at him. A bullet is promptly fired at him, but he manages to deflect it with his suction cups once again.
Suction Cup Man: Well, you know what they say, don't mess with a man who-
Before he can finish his sentence, he realizes the shadowy figure has started to move towards him. Not being hidden anymore, he noticed the figure was Zora, the same person that shot him down earlier.
Zora: Is able to come back from the dead? I've heard that a couple times in my life. Never stopped me, though. Now c'mere, ya undead freak!
Zora dashes towards Suction Cup Man, but gets stopped by Salad Fingers.
Salad Fingers: Excuse me, young lady. Mind putting someone out of their misery as a favor?
Zora: Oh, ya don't even have to ask!
Zora then crushes Salad Fingers skull with her boot, revealing that several maggots had infested his brain, all of which are climbing Zora's boot now.
Salad Fingers has been eliminated.
8 combatants remain.
Zora: Ew, gross!
Zora kicks away the little insects with little to no effort required.
Zora: Now about that- Hey, where'd he go?
Suction Cup Man has found himself a hiding spot behind a closet, hoping Zora isn't able to find him. Suddenly, he is able to hear her whistling again, this time much closer.
Zora: Come out, you scaredy-cat, I won't hurt ya!
Zora then checks the room where Suction Cup Man is hiding. She goes through all possible hiding spots before arriving at the closet. With one quick movement, she pushes the entire closet away, revealing... nothing.
Zora: Huh? I was sure he was here.
What Zora didn't notice is that Suction Cup Man was climbing on the ceiling above her. He manages to get back to the hallway before deciding to taunt a still clueless Zora.
Suction Cup Man: Hey, you cowboy fuck! I'm over here!
Zora turns around, finally seeing him on the ceiling.
Zora: There you are! I was lookin' for you everywhere! Now why don't ya come down here so we can-
Suction Cup Man: I wrote you a song!
Zora: ...what?
Suction Cup Man: It goes a little something like this! *guitar strum* You are a bitch!
Zora fires a shot at him, but he dodges it and runs back to the front door. Zora follows him and tries to shoot him down, yet she fails every single time.
Suction Cup Man: You're a bitch, a bitch, a bitch, you're a fucking bitch!
He almost makes it outside, but Zora gets in front of him and closes the door before he can exit.
Zora: Gotcha! You ain't escapin' from me no more!
Suction Cup Man: Fuck!
Zora: Now, as I was sayin', how about I make ya death drag out for as long as possible? Does that sound good to ya?
Suction Cup Man, out of any applicable attacks, decides to chuck a bar of soap he stole from Guy Business at her, hoping it would miraculously work wonders. And somehow it did.
Zora: Graah! Soap! My biggest weakness!
Suction Cup Man: Wait, really? I got more where that came from.
Zora: No, wait, don't-
Suction Cup Man them pummels the cowboy with dozens of bars of soap until she's lying on the ground, seemingly terrified. He then quickly dips out of the house, leaving Zora alone with a crap-ton of soap.
Suction Cup Man: Don't mess with a man who can not be killed! I am Suction Cup Man! Look at me go!
-
Uzi Doorman is walking around the arena, her head still being a bit damaged from the fork Salad Fingers attacked her with, though she still manages to operate decently.
She stumbles into a bar, looking for any possible items she may use as weapons. It isn't an item that she finds though, it's Blitzø, who's been waiting to ambush anyone that enters the bar, as he fires several shots into Uzi.
Uzi trips a bit backwards, then gets pushed and held against the floor by Blitzø.
Blitzø: End of the line, bitch! Any last words?
She promptly picks up her railgun, which Blitzø had somehow failed to notice, and points it at the demon instead.
Blitzø: The fuck's this? A toy or something?
Uzi: You could say that, technically.
The railgun emits a green glow, accompanied by a rather odd noise. It unnerves Blitzø to a point where he feels the need to back up.
Blitzø: Look, uh, that was an accident. I didn't mean to attack you, I apologize, I-
Uzi: Bite me.
A massive ray of energy bursts out of the railgun. It goes through the entire bar, leaving a massive hole within. Blitzø, however, avoids it just in time.
Being very intimidated by the sheer power of her weapon, Blitzø quickly runs away from the bar, leaving Uzi alone.
Uzi: Huh, that worked surprisingly well.
-
Charlie arrived at the front door of Tord's house. She wants to knock on the door and check why he hasn't come yet, but she feels that it may perhaps be a trap. So she takes a seat against the front door and tries to find out what the next best step would be.
Meanwhile, in Tord's secret chamber, the music had gotten incredibly loud. So loud, in fact, that simple sounds could not deafen it anymore. Tord has two choices; Either he gives in to the M.A.D, or he starts up his robot.
He, naturally, goes for option two.
The floor beneath Charlie begins to violently shake. The house behind her is falling apart slowly. She notices just in time and runs away to a spot where she can't be affected.
From what was once a residence had turned to nothing but dust and debris. And within the turmoil stands a massive robot, equipped with a gun and a mechanical claw.
Tord: I've had it! This whole damn arena is getting demolished!
Blitzø runs to the location after having heard a massive crash.
Blitzø: What the hell is going on- Christ on a stick, what the fuck is that?
Tord: Oh, this? No worries, it's just my extremely awesome giant robot! Ha ha ha-
Charlie: That- That's cheating! You can't just have a massive mech here!
Tord: What, do you think after having been forced to listen to the most god-awful song in existence for the past few hours, I would still give a flying fuck about the "rules"? Of course I don't!
Tord lifts up the robot's claw and thrusts it down upon Blitzø's office, much to the imp's dismay.
Blitzø: No! My office! You son a bitch! You're gonna regret this!
Tord: How so? I am operating an indestructable killing machine, you can't do anything do me! I'm unstoppable!
Blitzø: Oh yeah? Let's see about that!
Blitzø takes out his pistol and takes a few shots at the mech, none of which seem to affect it in any shape or form.
Blitzø: W- What? How?
Tord: I'm not explaining it again. However, I'd be more than glad to demonstrate!
The robot lifts it's leg and aims to crush Blitzø with it, but he gets out of the way before the impact. He then begins climbing the robot's leg, and even though it attempts to kick the demon away, he stays focused and continues.
Charlie, on the other hand, is hiding behind a piece of debris to try and figure out what to do next.
Charlie: Okay, come on Charlie, think! How can you take down a giant robot?
Suddenly, Blitzø lands right next to her, but gets picked up again and thrown against Salad Finger's house, wrecking it in the process.
Charlie: Quick! What can I... oh, I got it!
Blitzø has been knocked unconscious from the impact. Tord sees this and decides to take his chance to end him once and for all. He lifts his mech's foot over Blitzø, and prepares to stomp him to death.
All of a sudden, the mech gets pushed away from Blitzø and backs off a few steps. Tord looks around, looking for the culprit.
Tord: Who the hell interrupted my plans? Show yourself!
Charlie: Right in front of you!
Tord looks straight ahead and spots Charlie, looking much more demonic than she had before.
Charlie: If you're not gonna give in yourself, I'll just have to force you to!
Tord: Heh, good luck, kid!
Tord lifts the gun and fires a shot at Charlie, who ducks under it before it can hit her. In return, she casts a flame onto the middle section of the mech, severely damaging it.
Tord smacks her away from him, while he tries to find a way to put out the fire she had caused. He can't find a solution before Charlie comes back and casts even more flames, this time onto the cockpit.
The norwegian is currently being cooked alive, but he still has enough fighting spirit in him to not give up just yet. He swings aroung the robot's arms aimlessly, hoping one of them would hit Charlie.
Charlie, however, avoids them and kicks the mech in back of the head, almost knocking it off. She then flies to the front of the cockpit, attempting to smash the glass so she can enter and put an end to Tord.
Her plans are foiled though, as Tord grabs her with his claw and grasps her tightly. She tries to possibly melt it or fly away, yet none of it works.
Tord: Go back to hell, will ya!
Tord then takes the claw and rams it straight into the ground. A dust cloud emerges from the spot of impact. A large crater had formed in the middle of the arena.
And within it lies Charlie.
Blitzø runs down to the middle of the crater, wanting to check if she's dead or not.
Blitzø: Hello? Are you okay? Come on, fucking answer me!
Yet there isn't an answer given from her. She's just there, motionless. Not breathing. Unresponsive. She's... dead.
Charlie Morningstar has been eliminated.
7 combatants remain.
Tord looks over the crater he has just created, smiling in pride, for he was able to accomplish his goal.
Tord: Well, what a sight! Sorry for your little friend there, Blitzo.
Blitzø: First of all, dipshit, the O is silent. Second of all, she isn't my friend. She's-
Tord: Just a random stranger? Good one. I know that you knew her well.
Blitzø: ...the fuck are you on about?
Tord: Oh, y'know, you were there when she was on 666 News, remember?
Blitzø: ...
Tord: I knew you still do. Well, nice conversation we had there. Goodbye, Blitzø, royale's not gonna win itself.
Tord wanders to the Hazbin Hotel next, with the intention of wrecking it and securing his victory over Charlie completely, leaving Blitzø behind to contemplate the events that had just transpired.
-
Suction Cup Man has witnessed the entire ordeal from the roof of the Hazbin Hotel. He too knows that Tord is much more powerful with the mech, and that someone should put a stop to him.
But who will that someone be? Who would be able to single-handedly destroy an entire robot, which is equipped with a complete arsenal, without taking themselves out in the process?
Perhaps, that someone is he himself.
Without much hesitation, he dons his parachute and floats down towards the mech headed for the hotel. Tord notices him, and attempts to fire a shot at the madman.
The bullet just flies between Suction Cup Man's head and the parachute itself. Enraged that he missed, Tord goes for the claw to try and grab him. He accidentally grabs his parachute though, leaving Suction Cup Man dangling in the air.
Instead of giving up, Suction Cup Man attaches his suction cups to the mech's arm and begins climbing up it's body. All goes well until Tord violently shakes the robot's arm, wanting to possibly fling him away.
Suction Cup Man, in his will to avenge a random person he's never met before, is able to continue his climb until he eventually reaches his destination; The Cockpit.
Tord sees him through the glass visor, and is surprised that he didn't fall off before.
Tord: Wait, what? How did you not fall off?
Suction Cup Man: Do I look like some sort of "normal person" to you? I am Suction Cup Man! Failing is my fucking kryptonite!
Tord: Well, can you get out of the way? I can't see anything with you blocking my vision!
Suction Cup Man: Why do you think I'm here, you dummy? To just spectate you cheating? No! I'm a professional inconvenience!
Tord: Y'know what? Forget it. I can deal with you myself.
Tord lifts the mech's claw in front of it's face, ready to grab Suction Cup Man and pull the same move he performed on Charlie. However, Suction Cup Man quickly climbs up far enough to be out of reach. Instead, the claw smashes through the glass, leaving a wide opening.
Suction Cup Man: Oh, you've fucked up now, dipshit!
Suction Cup Man enters the cockpit, and the two engage in a fist fight with eachother. Tord pushes Suction Cup Man against a wall, and he goes back to the controls to try and remove the claw from inside.
Before he is able to do that, Suction Cup Man stands back up and hits Tord in the groin from behind, leaving him on the ground. He then goes to the controls himself and, not knowing what button or lever does what, pushes and pulls some random things.
The mech is clumsily moving through the entire arena. At this point, all other combatants have already noticed what's occuring, and are trying their best to not accidentally be crushed underneath the robot.
Tord is able to stand back up, and they engage in yet another brawl, which ends with Suction Cup Man being knocked to the ground. Tord then picks him up and goes over to the opening, ready to throw him out and leave him falling to his death.
Tord: This time, you better stay in hell!
Suction Cup Man is about to be ejected, when he notices a really big red button just beneath him.
Suction Cup Man: What's this button for?
Tord: What but- No, don't press that! You'll get us both-
Suction Cup Man: Too late.
Suction Cup Man has already pushed the button with his foot. Suddenly, the cockpit is engulfed with a bright red light, and an alarm begins to emerge.
Alarm System: Warning! Warning! Self-Destruction in 30, 29, 28...
Tord, in shock, drops Suction Cup Man and tries to disable the oncoming implosion. Suction Cup Man prevents him from doing so, kicking him away from the control panel.
Alarm System: 22, 21, 20...
The norwegian replies by chucking Suction Cup Man into the seat and looks for a way to escape the mech. He eventually decides to just steal Suction Cup Man's parachute. He stands on top of the panel, ready to leave his enemy for dead.
Tord: Anything else before you die? I'll tell 'em below what you said.
Alarm System: 10, 9, 8...
Suction Cup Man: ...that's not a parachute...
Being very confused, Tord checks what he just attached to himself. It certainly wasn't a parachute, but what was it then?
Suction Cup Man:...it's a seatbelt, dumbass.
A horrified Tord desperately attempts to unbuckle it, to no avail. Suction Cup Man then runs up next to him, revealing he still has his parachute with him.
Suction Cup Man: Now this is a parachute.
Tord: Son of a-
Alarm System: 3, 2, 1...
Suction Cup Man: Good riddance, you fucking bitch!
Alarm System: Initiate self-destruction.
The entire mech bursts into flames in one massive explosion, the shockwaves of which disturb the entire arena.
Everyone below looks upon the firey remains of their once biggest threat.
Uzi: He- He actually-
Blitzø: He did it! That son of a bitch actually did it!
Zora: Welp, guess there's nothin' more to worry 'bout, now is there?
Tony: I believe not. Well, what do we-
Uzi: Hold on a second! What happened to that weird suction cup guy?
Tony: Uhm. Not quite sure.
The Intruder:...
Blitzø: Do you see him anywhere? Sorry to break it to you, but he probably bit the dust too.
Uzi:...
Blitzø: Why are you acting all sad? You didn't even know him.
Zora: Yeah, I mean, it was nice of 'em and all, but you're pretendin' like ya knew the guy.
Uzi: No, I didn't. But I'm still allowed to feel somewhat sympathetic, or am I not?
The three continue to fight for a bit, until they suddenly hear something from the sky. Something that sounded a little like... a guitar.
To their surprise, Suction Cup Man slowly descends from the skies, playing his guitar and harmonica simultaneously.
Zora: What in tarnation...
Blitzø: How the hell did he survive?
Suction Cup Man: You cannot kill Suction Cup Man! Look at me go!
Tord Larrson has been eliminated.
6 combatants remain.
Mid-Fight[]
And once he landed, they all re-united and lived happily ever after.
That would've been, if not for the fact the audience wanted a real royale. Six survivors? Too many! There must be one.
Caine, not wanting to disappoint the audience, thinks of something to make sure they get their singular survivor, and comes up with an idea on how this will be possible.
He descends down to the arena, where he finds the remaining six, conversing with each other like an old group of friends.
Caine: Well, hello there, my dear combatants! How are you feeling at this very moment?
Uzi: Oh, hey there, uhm, what was your name again?
Caine: Caine. C, A, I, N, E.
Uzi: Oh, okay then. Caine, we've actually been doing pretty good.
Zora: Yeah, we've just been talkin' about some random lil' things in life.
Blitzø: I kinda think I'm starting to warm up to them. They're actually pretty nice.
Caine: That is great to hear, Blitzo. Wait, no, it's Blitzø, right?
Blitzø: Yep. Glad you remembered.
Caine: Sure thing. Anyways, I'm happy you got to know each other and all, but... you do still remember the objective, right?
Tony: Yes, of course.
Caine: That you should kill eachother?
Zora: Still well aware.
Caine:...
Suction Cup Man: No way! You like guitars too?
Zora: Of course! I love 'em to death!
Suction Cup Man: That's fucking sick!
Caine: Alright, alright then! If you won't fight each other willingly, I'll just have to force you to.
Caine teleports everyone to the Hazbin Hotel, the only place that is in relatively mint condition.
Caine: This was originally planned for the final two, but, in all honesty, I am out of patience. Folks, you have 20 minutes to kill everyone else here. If there's more than one person remaining after the timer ends, I'll personally send all of you to the void, where you'll have to stay and suffer until you eventually perish!
Uzi: What? You can't-
Caine: Oh, yes I can! What do you think we brought you here for? For you to have a little chat? Get to know each other? Become friends? Ha ha! NO!
Zora: Ya dirty bastard!
Caine: If you call me that again, I'll gladly make you a demonstration to my threat.
Zora: Oh, no, I apologize, didn't mean that.
Caine: I assume all of you get the memo. You have one minute to find some more weapons, hide, or anything else that comes to mind. After those, kill everyone around you, or endure the consequences. I believe that is all. Ready, set, GO!
FIGHT! (Part Two)[]
The timer starts.
Everyone is panicking. The people they had just gotten to know were forced to kill them, and vice versa. They don't want to, but they've got no choice in the matter anymore. They have to get through this, hopefully as the last one alive.
For one more time, they get into a circle of six, just like they had done when this entire thing started, to discuss what to do.
Uzi: So, how do we go about this?
Zora: I say we all stay here and have a big ol' brawl. It's the fastest and easiest option.
Blitzø: Bullshit! How about we do Rock, Paper, Scissors to decide who kills who?
Suction Cup Man: I got an idea! You guys can just let me win. Genius, right?
Uzi: No, the best course of action would be to just... let it happen. We all spread out, if some people find each other, they fight until one of them dies, and so on and so forth until one person is left. Sounds good?
After a bit of hesitation, all of them nod in agreement.
Uzi: Great. Now quick, we only have 20 seconds left!
With barely any time remaining, they all run into different directions, except for the Intruder, who simply enters a TV.
Caine: You have 10 seconds left! Anyone who hasn't moved will regret it!
Everyone seems content with their positions.
Caine: Five, four, three, two, one, the timer starts NOW!
-
Uzi walks down the halls, railgun in hand, ready to shoot the very first person she sees. Suddenly, her head begins hurting again. She had apparently never really recovered from the injury Salad Fingers gave her with the fork. At this point, it has lasted longer than the attacker himself.
It began hurting so severely that she decides to take refuge in a random room, hoping nobody else is with her. She slides down under the bed and waits for the pain to lessen so she can go back outside to scavenge for a possible opponent.
Little did she know, Tony The Talking Clock is hiding inside the closet opposite of the bed. And he has heard Uzi enter the same room. He debates on whether or not to try and kill her, as he knows that her railgun could destroy him and most of the hotel within seconds.
Then he has an idea.
He slowly stepped outside, making sure Uzi couldn't hear him. She had put her railgun next to herself, which is quite fortunate for Tony, as he is able to snatch the railgun from her side. He then tries to walk back to the closet, weapon in hand, when he suddenly trips over it, alerting Uzi.
Uzi slides right back out and faces Tony, who still had her railgun.
Uzi: Tony? What are you- Is that my railgun?
Tony: Well, uhm, I-
Uzi: You tried to steal my railgun?!
Tony: *sigh* So it has come to this.
Tony points the gun at Uzi, and begins charging up a shot. Before he can fire, Uzi slides beneath the bed and emerges from the other side, right in front of Tony. She then rips her gun out of his hands and points it at him instead.
Uzi: That's what you get for trying to take my sick as hell railgun!
Tony now has two choices; Age Uzi or deafen Uzi. He believes that robots like her don't get too affected by age, so he picks the second option.
He begins screaming, louder and louder with every second. This confuses Uzi so much that she lowers her weapon to see what the hell Tony is doing. This turns out to be a bad idea, as Uzi's already damaged head begins hurting even worse.
But her nonexistent ears don't begin bleeding. In fact, nothing begins bleeding. Rather, something else entirely triggers within her.
The AbsoluteSolver.
Tony stops screaming once he realizes it doesn't have the effect he hoped it would. He tries slowly backing up, but it was far too late for that.
Uzi, with one swift punch, rams her fist through Tony's head, leaving the clock shattered on the floor.
Tony The Talking Clock has been eliminated.
5 combatants remain.
Blitzø, who is a floor below from the scene, has heard the ruckus, and decides to check it out for himself. Armed with his percussion pistol, he cautiously wanders towards the room the loud noise came from, and promptly kicks open the door.
There, he finds a seemingly normal Uzi, searching through Tony's scraps for something.
Blitzø: Hey, Uzi, are you good? You seem a little... oh.
Uzi turns around to reveal an odd symbol where her eyes once were. Upon closer inspection, Blitzø spots a tail with some sort of mouth that hasn't been there before.
Uzi slowly stands up and heads towards the demon, who promptly shuts the door on her. He slowly backs off, then begins running. As he runs away, he can hear the door being broken open, a bit after that, something following him. Quickly.
-
Meanwhile, Suction Cup Man has hidden himself in a different room a floor below, sitting against the door so that nobody can enter. He nervously awaits someone attempting to get into the room, which is why he has his guitar by him, ready to strike an intruder with it.
However, the Intruder that was about to enter didn't need a door.
The TV turns on, displaying some rather old christian cartoon. Suction Cup Man, although reluctant to leave the door openable, decides to see what happened with the TV.
Nothing seems abnormal. Did it just so happen to randomly turn on? Did he accidentally sit on the remote? He doesn't plague himself too much with these questions and decides to turn off the TV. Except he can't.
No matter how hard he tries to press the off-button, the television just will not turn off.
Suction Cup Man: The hell's wrong with this thing? Fuck it, I'll just shut it off.
He goes over to the outlet to pull the plug, only to find no plug was ever inserted. As soon as he realizes this, the program changes, showing what seems to be a PSA about "alternates", something he has never heard of. Nonetheless, he's intrigued, and views it.
It seems to just be an average warning about some threat, and just as he's about to go back to the door, a face flashes on the TV. This catches his attention once again, and he sits back down.
Out of nowhere, something emerged from the television, much to Suction Cup Man's horror. He recognizes this something as the Intruder, and tries to bargain with him.
Suction Cup Man: Hey there, old buddy! Say, how about you do me no harm and I do you none? That way, we-
The Intruder: Do you have a purpose?
Suction Cup Man: ...what?
The Intruder: Have you ever wondered if you have a purpose?
Suction Cup Man: Well, no, my purpose is to be as insufferable as possible. It's basically my whole brand.
The Intruder: And why is that?
Suction Cup Man begins to get a little scared, and slowly heads for the door.
The Intruder: Have you ever considered that this isn't your real purpose? That you struggle with the fact you have nothing in your life?
Suction Cup Man is standing right in front of the door now.
The Intruder: That your "purpose" is a coping mechanism for the lack of affection you recieve? You are worthless.
As he finished his sentence, Suction Cup Man quickly opens the door and exits the room. He's leaning against the wall, feeling a bit dizzy for no reason, when he hears a familiar whistling a few feet next to him.
Suction Cup Man: Fuck's sake.
Zora: Well, well, well, if it ain't the hero that saved us from the giant robot. How ya doin'?
Suction Cup Man: Not too good, I-
Zora: Look, you remember that little fight we had at the bean-lookin' thing's house? Where ya tossed soap at me?
Suction Cup Man: What about it?
Zora: Well, I believe that our little goose chase ended a bit prematurely, don't ya think?
Zora calmly reloads her revolver.
Zora: I'll give you a five second head start.
Even though Suction Cup Man is still not feeling to well from the conversation with the Intruder he just had, he isn't going to waste any of those five seconds, and begins dashing to the other side of the hallway.
Zora: Five, four, three, two, one, countdown's up!
Zora proceeds to run after him, hoping he doesn't have any leftover soap.
-
Blitzø is hiding behind a wall, having outrun Uzi a few minutes ago, yet she is still looking for him all around the hotel. All of a sudden, he hears someone else running up next to him, so he draws his pistol and turns to his side. There, he spots Suction Cup Man, who seems to be running away from something.
Suction Cup Man: Oh, thank god! Hey, Blitzø-
A bullet just managed to miss Suction Cup Man. Realising Blitzø has no interest in allying, he runs past him and around a corner.
Blitzø: Wait! Don't run that way!
It was too late for a warning. Just a few seconds after, he sees Suction Cup Man, now running the opposite direction, with Uzi closely following behind. Somehow, she doesn't spot Blitzø, and continues to chase her new prey.
Blitzø is relieved, and leans against the wall, before noticing someone is sat beside him.
Blitzø: Holy shit!
Zora: Calm down, calm down! It's just me!
Blitzø: That doesn't mean shit anymore!
Blitzø aims his gun at her, much to her surprise.
Zora: Hold on! Before you shoot, I'd wanna propose somethin' to ya.
Blitzø: Oh yeah? What would that be?
Zora: How about we decide who lives and who don't through a good ol' duel?
Blitzø: ...
Zora: If you're unfamiliar, let me explain it; We both turn our backs to each other, take ten steps forward at the same time, and then turn around and shoot as quick as we can. Simple enough, right?
Blitzø: ...fine, I guess?
Zora: Great!
Zora and Blitzø stand back to back. Zora has her revolver, and Blitzø his percussion pistol. Both take one step forward. Then another. Then another. The process continues until the seventh step, when Blitzø turns around and fires a bullet at Zora, hoping to catch her off-guard.
Suddenly, everything stops. Both the bullet and Blitzø are unmoving, yet Zora is still able to move perfectly.
Zora: Can't ya count? At the tenth step! Whatever, if ya feel like cheatin', then be my guest. But don't expect me to play fair either.
Zora moves behind Blitzø and aims the gun straight at the back of his head, then lets time go back to normal.
Blitzø is dumbfounded when he realizes Zora isn't in front of him anymore.
Blitzø: Huh? Where the fuck did you go?
Zora: Behind you.
Before Blitzø can turn around, a bullet is fired into his skull, killing him instantly.
Zora: Always a step ahead of ya.
Blitzø Buckzo has been eliminated.
4 combatants remain.
-
Suction Cup Man arrives in the lobby and looks around for a possible place to hide. Uzi is just a few feet away, so he has to be quick to find a good one. Eventually, he decides to just climb onto the ceiling.
Just as he reaches it, Uzi comes bursting into the lobby, violently giggling, eagerly looking for Suction Cup Man. She makes a mess of the entire place, wrecking the bar, the reception desk, anything to try and find her prey.
Suction Cup Man attempts to slowly climb out the hotel, but accidentally drops his harmonica from his backpack, which notifies Uzi. She quickly runs over to where the harmonica fell, and it doesn't take her long to find Suction Cup Man on the ceiling.
Thinking she can't come to him, he decides to taunt her.
Suction Cup Man: Dunno if you can hear me, but if you can, I wrote you a song! It goes a little some-
Suddenly, Uzi grows a pair of wings, and prepares to jump up to Suction Cup Man.
Suction Cup Man: Holy shit!
He hops to the side just before Uzi flies into the ceiling. She then dashes towards him, picks him up and rams him against a wall, which leaves a massive dent in it. He falls to the ground, exhausted. Uzi then lands right on top of him and lets her tail finish the job.
Before it can do that, Suction Cup Man hits her tail with his guitar until it retreats, after which he uses it again to push Uzi away from him.
She picks up the harmonica he dropped before and tosses it at him, hitting him in the face. Before she can try and murder him again, Suction Cup Man smacks her with the guitar as hard as he can.
She falls to the ground, still alive, but unconscious. Suction Cup Man uses the opportunity to get away from her and climbs back up the wall and onto the ceiling, this time hiding behind a chandelier.
-
Zora wanders through the halls, wondering where everyone else went. She's not complaining though, it gives her some time to relax and think of some more strategies. As she happens to walk by a specific room though, she hears a rather familiar voice behind the door.
?: Hello? Honey, where are you?
Zora: Huh?
?: Please help us! We need you!
Zora recognizes the voices as her parents'. But they died when she was still a small child. So who else was that?
Zora: Whoever you are, I ain't fallin' for that lil' trick of yours.
Zora wants to continue walking further, but the voices stop her.
?: Trick? This is no trick! We need you!
?: Yes, please! I don't want to die!
Zora: But...you can't be. It- It's impossible!
?: Zora, please, we beg of you! Your mother won't make it!
Zora: But you...
?: No, don't cry! She will save us, don't worry!
?: I'm scared...
?: Don't be, Zora will rescue us. I am certain she wouldn't let us down, right?
Zora thinks back on the day her parents had been shot dead. She was sat behind a bush, watching them be gunned down by the Bonzai Blasters. She remembers that she had a shovel with her, which she could've used as a weapon. She might've been able to save her parents, had she not been too shy to do so.
She cannot handle leaving them to die again.
With one swift kick, she breaks open the door and runs inside.
Zora: Mom? Dad? I'm here now! No worries!
Yet she finds nobody. She is now in a completely empty room, not even a piece of furniture around. Except for a television, which was playing some old western flick.
While Zora was disappointed not finding her parents, she is intrigued by the television. She walks over to it and sits down in front of it. She immediately recognizes the movie that was playing as The Good, The Bad & The Ugly, one of her favorites.
The screen suddenly begins to go static, then shifts to a slideshow of sorts. The first image in said slideshow was a picture of her and her parents the day she found her first piece of gold.
It evokes a comfy feeling within her, but she still mainly feels confused. Why is a random TV broadcasting her family photo? A text-to-speech voice begins playing over the image.
TV: You loved them, didn't you?
Zora wants to look away. She doesn't want to be reminded of what had happened. But she simply can't. She has to keep watching.
TV: The day you found your first piece of gold. You were so proud, and your parents were too.
The slideshow moves to the next image, which shows her recieving her very own palenteology kit for her birthday.
TV: They didn't have much, but they always tried to be there for you and give you what you desire. They were very good parents.
Zora begins tearing up, thinking about all of the good memories she had with her parents.
Zora: Yes, yes they were.
The slideshow then shifts onto an image of the digging site they were at when the tragedy occured.
TV: And what have you done to appreciate their kindness?
Zora can't think of an answer, and attempts to speak up, but is interrupted by the program.
TV: You left them to die.
The slideshow ends on an image of her parents, lying dead on the ground. She begins to feel sick, and desperately tries to shift her vision towards something else, but she isn't able to. She is glued onto the screen.
TV: When they got shot down, and in their last moments saw you hiding behind a rock, what do you think they felt, other than immense pain?
Zora doesn't know what to say. An image that she had repressed from her mind for years came back in an instant, and it still hurts to see just as much as when it first happened.
TV: Disappointment. They showered you with all the love they could've, and you did not put in a percentage of that effort.
Zora begins drawing her revolver.
TV: From the heavens, they look down upon you, wondering where they went wrong, taking the blame for your lack of care. You should be ashamed.
Zora puts the revolver just beneath her head.
TV: You are an utter failure.
Zora pulls the trigger.
The entire wall behind her is coated red, painted with her blood and brain matter, as her lifeless body slowly falls onto the ground.
The television cuts to reveal the Intruder, who reaches out his hand beyond the screen, takes Zora's gun, then pulls it back inside.
It then turns off as the door to the room closes on its own and vanishes, leaving Zora's body to possibly never be found.
Zora Salazar has been eliminated.
3 combatants remain.
-
Uzi wakes up from her unconscious state, seemingly back in control. She barely remembers anything that had just happened, so it's a bit of a shock to her when she finds the entire lobby in shambles.
Uzi: What the hell happened here? Did I really... Anyways, I should probably go get my- Wait, where's my railgun? Oh no, did I leave it upstairs? I have to go get it, I hope nobody beat me to it.
She runs upstairs as fast as possible to retrieve her weapon. While she's gone, Suction Cup Man hops back down from his hiding spot and picks up his guitar. He positions himself next to the doorway, ready to perform a surprise attack.
Uzi bursts into the room where she last remembers having left her railgun, and finds a dismembered Tony all across the ground.
Uzi: Oh my god! This is disgusting! Why did I have to be reminded of that?
She picks up the gun and bolts out as quick as she can.
Meanwhile, Suction Cup Man is still waiting for her to get downstairs, when the television suddenly turns on by itself. Knowing this is another of the Intruder's tricks, he shuts his eyes and doesn't face the television. This doesn't stop the Intruder from attempting to manipulate him.
The Intruder: Do you remember the last time you hung out with someone? The last time you-
Suction Cup Man: Shut up! I don't want to hear it!
The Intruder: You cannot ignore the truth for longer. One must face it to achieve greatness.
Suction Cup Man: La, la, la, I can't hear you!
The Intruder: Your childish behavior speaks volumes. Maybe it's the source for your lack of affection, or perhaps a factor. If you follow my words-
Suction Cup Man: Why don't you follow deez nuts?
The Intruder:...
Suction Cup Man: That one shut you up, now did it?
During the debate, Uzi has already reached the bottom floor and is currently running towards the lobby. Suction Cup Man remembers about his plan just in time, and right as Uzi is about to get in, he smacks her with his guitar.
Uzi gets knocked back a few feet and lands on the ground. Suction Cup Man walks towards her, guitar in hand.
Suction Cup Man: You dumbass! You can't kill Suction Cup Man! Look at me go!
Uzi begins charging up her railgun, which Suction Cup Man doesn't realize.
Suction Cup Man: Now that you're about to die, I wrote you a song. It goes a little something like this.
Uzi slowly points it at the madman, yet he still fails to see it.
Suction Cup Man: Go eat a dick, you fucking bitch, go eat a dick, you fucking bitch, go eat a dick, you fucking bitch, go eat a dick, you fucking bitch!
Only once he ends his song does he realize a massive gun is being pointed right at him.
Suction Cup Man: Uh oh.
Uzi: Bite me.
A massive green ray bursts through the entire hotel, destroying everything in its path. Once the ray slowly vanished, nothing was left of Suction Cup Man. And this time, he isn't coming back.
-
Suction Cup Man lands face first in hell.
Suction Cup Man: Aw, not this place again! Whatever, I'll just climb back out.
He takes out his suction cups and tries to climb back out, when he is confronted by two demons and a wolf.
Moxxie: Hey, you, stop right there!
Suction Cup Man: Who, me?
Moxxie: Yes, you! What do you think you're doing?
Suction Cup Man: I'm climbing back out of hell.
Millie: Well, you can't really do that around here, so...
Suction Cup Man: Says who? I can do what I want! I'm Suction Cup Man!
Millie:...Mox, he's got a point. Who said that exactly?
Moxxie: I, uhm, don't really know-
Loona: God, you guys are useless. Listen here, you douchebag! Our boss told us that you cannot climb out of hell once you've already landed here. So, for that reason, we'll have to confiscate your suction cups!
Moxxie and Millie walk up to him and take his suction cups, much to his dismay.
Suction Cup Man: What? No! You can't do this to me! I'm Suction Cup Man!
Loona: And I don't give a flying fuck! Come on, guys, let's go back. We did our job.
Suction Cup Man takes a seat on the pavement and contemplates what to do, now that he's lost his suction cups. Out of nowhere, a man appears behind him.
Alastor: Hey there, buddy! You seem down on you luck. Well, I got a solution! How does a nice little hotel visit sound to you? We've got alcohol and hookers, everything a redeeming sinner needs.
Suction Cup Man:...that doesn't sound too bad, actually. Where is this hotel?
Alastor: Right in front of your eyes, sir!
He looks up to see the Hazbin Hotel, the same hotel he had just died in.
Suction Cup Man: Oh, you've gotta be kidding me! Fuuuuuuuuuu-
Suction Cup Man has been eliminated.
2 combatants remain.
-
Uzi stands back up and goes into the lobby. Oddly enough, she doesn't find anyone there, but she quickly senses someone walking up behind her and swings her weapon in that general area.
Caine: Woah, careful with that!
Uzi: Oh, it's you! Sorry, I thought someone was sneaking up behind me.
Caine: Well, I do apologize. Anyways, are you aware already?
Uzi: Aware of what?
Caine: That you've won!
Uzi: Wait, what?
Caine: You don't know yet? That's odd, I thought I told you already. Now, for the prize, could you possibly follow me? We stored the money in a secret chamber.
Uzi: Yeah, sure.
Uzi walks behind Caine as he takes her a few floors up. She feels as though something isn't quite right, but before she can explore that thought further, they arrive at their destination.
Caine: There it is! Let me open that door really quickly.
Caine promptly opens the door to reveal a very dark room with not a singular dollar bill in sight.
Caine: So, what are you waiting for? Get in!
Uzi hesitates and slowly backs away from the door, which Caine doesn't take lightly.
Caine: I said get in!
Caine grabs Uzi by her arm and throws her into the room. He then shuts the door and locks it.
Uzi looks at her surroundings. The room seems like it hasn't been renovated in a good century, yet on one of the walls she can make out relatively fresh blood. Then, Caine turns to face her. His face suddenly shifts into normally impossible places, all the while disturbing Uzi.
Eventually, the facade drops completely and "Caine" reveals himself to be the Intruder.
Uzi: Oh, it's you. I always had a bad feeling about you specifically. And now I know why.
The Intruder tries to throw a punch onto Uzi, but she blocks it and kicks his knee, causing him to fall down. She swiftly picks up her railgun and attempts to shoot it at him, but almost immediately realizes that she still has to wait 25 minutes for it to reload.
The Intruder grabs her by the foot and pulls it, causing her to trip.
The Intruder: I am surprised. I'd assumed you'd showcase your killing abilities.
Uzi: What are you on about?
The Intruder: You know exactly what I'm on about.
Uzi: I don't have time for this conversation!
Uzi kicks the Intruder in the face several times, before standing up again and trying to exit, yet she finds that the door is indeed locked.
The Intruder: The AbsoluteSolver is a fascinating ability. How can one individual lose all control they have over themselves and go on a murder spree?
Uzi: Can you stop talking?
The Intruder: I thought you were interested in that topic. After all, you are one of the very few affected by it.
Uzi grabs the railgun, turns it around, and smashes the handle into the Intruder's abdomen before he grabs it and shatters it with his knee.
Uzi: No! My railgun!
The Intruder: Don't be too upset about it. You still have that one other ability.
Uzi: If you bring the stupid AbsoluteSolver into this again, I'll-
The Intruder: What's the matter? You've murdered about half a dozen of your friends with it, how's a stranger so difficult to deal with?
The Intruder stands up, grabs Uzi's head and smashes it against the wall, hoping the AbsoluteSolver would activate in the process. And somehow, it does.
Uzi falls to her knees, wings and a tail painfully sprouting from her, as the Intruder watches.
The Intruder: Life forms had peaked once they discovered it, yet you blessed ones only use it for evil. Shameful.
Uzi begins giggling with sinister intent, then jumps onto the Intruder and tries to snap his neck.
The Intruder: You hurt countless of your kind, for what? Just to feel something in your wreck of a life?
Realizing she won't be able to twist his neck, she jumps off him and uses her telekinetic powers to continuously ram him against a wall.
The Intruder: Is all the bloodshed worth a cheap thrill? To one as demented as you, absolutely.
Uzi's attack gets interrupted by an alternate the Intruder wills into existence, but she manages to deal with it relatively quickly by ripping it's head off.
The Intruder: Don't you realize how much suffering you've caused?
The Intruder walks up to Uzi and attempts to punch her, but she trips him over with her tail. She then jumps onto him and tries to pull his head apart with her fingers.
The Intruder: Your efforts are fruitless. Even if you end me, you are and always will be a feared creature.
Suddenly, something else triggers within Uzi's mind. She has the urge to end herself instead, but focuses on killing the Intruder.
The Intruder: You were never welcome in your home. Your father had killed your mother in hopes it would put an end to the madness. Alas, it didn't.
Uzi is barely able to withhold the urges. She tries as hard as she can, but at this point, it's almost irresistible.
The Intruder: You are but an experiment. You hold no worth in anyone's eyes.
Out of nowhere, Uzi stops doing anything and just sits there.
The Intruder: You. Are. N̴̨̳̲̦̼̤̤̠͒͋͗̓̓O̷̢̠̲̥̘̯̎̿̇̉͐́́̓̈́͊͜͝T̴̢̟̩͙̥͚̬̘͎̺̤̦̜̹͙̼̔̂̑́̄̆̏̍̾̓̂̄͆̈́̒͘͜H̴̻̥̰̳͚͈̪͚́̈͋̈́͊͂̈́̃͝Ȋ̷̧̢͈̪̞̟͇̤̮̻͈͍̮̫͈̘̼̓̉̏̿̔̂̈́͋̊́̈́Ņ̸̨̡̛̼͓͇̦͓̞̗͉̳̟͙̙̜̿̐́̔̏͛̎͊̈́́͘͘͝͝͠G̴̛͖̔̑͐͠.
She couldn't hold them back anymore. Uzi took her hands and rammed them straight through her own head until they came back on the other side.
The Intruder calmly pushes her next to him, stands up, and leaves the room, locking it behind him as he goes.
Uzi Doorman has been eliminated.
1 combatant remains.
He walks through the front doors, looking up to see a wildly applauding audience, with cheers coming from every corner.
Caine flies down to congratulate him.
Caine: Well, wasn't that something! Congrats! You've just won the Ultimate Internet Series Battle Royale!
The Intruder: Very nice to hear.
Caine: Now, why don't you follow me? I'll bring you to your well-earned prize!
The Intruder: That would be appreciated.
Caine then walks outside the arena with the Intruder to give him the one centillion dollars he had promised.
The winner is The Intruder.
*Ultimate Internet Series Battle Royale*
Post-Fight[]
(The screen is completely black once again, and the same two voices from the beginning are able to be heard)
Mysterious Voice 2: And we are done. Just finished up the broadcast.
Mysterious Voice 1: Excellent. Do you have the audience score already?
Mysterious Voice 2: It's loading right now, and... yep, they loved it. 97,000 viewers at it's peak.
Mysterious Voice 1: Are you kidding me? That is way over our average quota! This is amazing! We must immediately plan a sequel to this.
Mysterious Voice 2: Great minds think alike! Who should we feature next? I'm thinking Hank J. Wimbleton.
Mysterious Voice 1: I do still kinda prefer Tricky The Clown, but he's fine too. What about Flippy?
Mysterious Voice 2: Who was that again?
Mysterious Voice 1: Y'know, the guy from- Hold on a minute...
Mysterious Voice 2: Oh yeah, Happy Tree Friends. It would be pretty interesting to see. You think we should bring someone from here back?
Mysterious Voice 1: Anthony.
Mysterious Voice 2: No, you're right. That would be lazy. Let's see, uhm, Oscar from Toon Sandwich is kinda relevant right now, isn't he?
Mysterious Voice 1: Anthony.
Mysterious Voice 2: Richard Nixon? Carl The Llama? Mokey? Bob Velseb? Two-Bit Jerry? Jax? The Angry Video Game Nerd?
Mysterious Voice 1: Anthony!
Mysterious Voice 2: Calm down, Ian! What's the matter?
Mysterious Voice 1: You've left the broadcast running! It's a bunch of static now!
Mysterious Voice 2: What? I turned it off! I even pulled the damn plug!
Mysterious Voice 1: You did?
Mysterious Voice 2: Why shouldn't I have? My shift's over. There's no reason to leave it running.
Mysterious Voice 1: Why is it still on then?
Mysterious Voice 2: Look, I have no- Ian.
Mysterious Voice 1: What is it?
Mysterious Voice 2: I think there's something watching us.
Mysterious Voice 1: Something watching us? What are you on- Oh.
Mysterious Voice 2: Do you know what that is?
Mysterious Voice 1: Of course I do! That's the damn reader!
Mysterious Voice 2: Huh.
Mysterious Voice 1: Hold up, has he been seeing all of this?
Mysterious Voice 2: Not sure. Maybe.
Mysterious Voice 1: So you're meaning to tell me you've revealed the entire roster for the sequel while someone has been watching?
Mysterious Voice 2: I may have done that...
Mysterious Voice 1: Oh, you son of a bitch! Come here!
Mysterious Voice 2: Look dude, I'm sorry!
Mysterious Voice 1: An apology won't help your case! I'm gonna beat the living daylights out of you!
Mysterious Voice 2: Calm down, we can find a solution together, don't punch me, don't punch me!
(The screen turns to static before displaying the Intruder)
The Intruder: Before you leave, don't forget to check under your bed and in your closet before you go doze off. Wouldn't wanna be attacked in your sleep, would you?
(The screen becomes black once again, signaling the actual end of the battle)
(Time for the results)
Results[]
KO!
Boomstick: God damn! Now that was one long battle!
Wiz: This fight could've gone in all sorts of directions. Everyone here had a good chance, and if something minor in the course of the fight went differently, we might've gotten an entirely seperate outcome.
Boomstick: It really was everyone's game. But alas, there could only be one winner.
Wiz: Let's analyse everyone starting from first to last to die and explain how that came to be, starting with Mordecai Heller.
Boomstick: Now, Mordecai, by no means, lacks any abilities that could've given him the win. He has a lot of gun experience, and with his stealth, could've gone much farther, hadn't it been for Tony.
Wiz: Mordecai simply didn't have a counter to Tony's time manipulation. Paired with the fact he tends to miss his shots upon slight movement, his fate was already set in stone.
Boomstick: Hold on there, Wiz. I thought we weren't gonna tackle that he misses once something moves.
Wiz: I wouldn't have mentioned it, but when it's part of the reason he perished, it should at the very least be mentioned.
Boomstick: That's fair. Next up is Salad Fingers. Now, Salad Fingers is very resistant, and has survived multiple things one normally couldn't, such as a massive rock to the head.
Wiz: But considering the fact he is still quite frail and lacks a grand arsenal, he wasn't neccessarily able to stand his ground most of the time.
Boomstick: And the one time he does attack someone, it had to be a metal fork into a robot, leaving him in an electric shock.
Wiz: This, in turn, left him defenseless, eventually even wanting to be put out of his misery. So it's no surprise he met an early end.
Boomstick: I told you in the analysis Wiz, you should've listened to me.
Wiz: Get off your high horse, he still made it pretty far. The next to die is Charlie Morningstar, which comes as a bit of a surprise.
Boomstick: Charlie is the literal princess of hell, having many adventageous qualities such as combat experience, pyrokinesis and flight. She could've had it in the bag...
Wiz:...if not for Tord's giant mech. As many powers as she possesses, she wasn't able to do a lot of damage to the giant, which led her to her demise.
Boomstick: Speaking of Tord, the trigger-happy norwegian is the one to die right after her, despite having a great advantage.
Wiz: While he wasn't able to put his gun knowledge to use unfortunately, he still managed to practise some of his skills with the rifle attached to his robot.
Boomstick: Despite that, and the fact he has more combat experience than Suction Cup Man, the one who ended up killing him, his hotheadedness proved to be fatal just before the mid-fight.
Wiz: To probably the shock of everyone, Tony The Talking Clock died first in the mid-fight, which many probably expected he wouldn't even make it into. So how did he?
Boomstick: First, let's factor in his abilities. He is able to emit noises loud enough to temporarily deafen his opponents and can also make people rapidly age, as shown with Mordecai.
Wiz: But at the end of the day, he is still simply just a clock. Clocks are usually pretty fragile, and such was shown when a mentally unstable drone rammed her fist straight through his face, leaving his shattered remains scattered.
Boomstick: We have officially reached the half-way point, where only five combatants remained. Starting us off from here is Blitzø, the demonic hitman.
Wiz: Blitzø could be one of the most experienced in combat in the whole roster. He knows how to handle any gun, has shown great hand-to-hand fighting experience on multiple occasions, and has a sharp tail as a bonus weapon.
Boomstick: Yet in one factor, he ultimately falls flat, that being strategy. He is keen on making rather idiotic decisions to try and land him an advantage, which includes cheating in an old-fashioned duel, as his death proves.
Wiz: His opponent in said duel, Zora Salazar, shares the same problem in terms of strategy. However, while she does make mistakes similar to those Blitzø makes, she does this a bit more rarely. Additionally, being able to bend time to her will and having perfectly accurate precision makes her nigh unbeatable.
Boomstick: If it weren't for her trauma. Yes, I'm just as surprised as you are that that was a deciding factor.
Wiz: Nevertheless, the Intruder confronted Zora with her past mistakes, which plagued her mind so severely that she took herself out, having succesfully been infected with M.A.D.
Boomstick: The next one is a little interesting; Suction Cup Man, the man who already died in the beginning, but somehow came back and outlived his original killer.
Wiz: His semi-immortality played a big role in his long survival. Had he not been able to climb out of hell, he would be at the very top of the list. But his suction cups and quick wit allowed him to live for much longer that he should've.
Boomstick: None of this, however, changes the fact that he's... kind of a dumbass. If he noticed Uzi pointing a railgun at him and stopped singing, he might've been able to avoid it. Paired with the fact Blitzø appearantly called his employees to confiscate his suction cups, and it all leads to a pretty odd death.
Wiz: The last death to cover is that of Uzi Doorman. In all honesty, the final fight could've gone both ways. Uzi had much more combat knowledge, while the Intruder was a manipulating genius.
Boomstick: But even then, Uzi could've just not listened to him like she did at the start of their fight. The Intruder noticed she would just ignore him if she's still sane, so he purposefully triggered the AbsoluteSolver to make the M.A.D infection process easier.
Wiz: While it was a very risky plan, it paid off, as he managed to convince her of things she would've usually shrugged off as nonsense, thus resulting in her suicide.
Boomstick: The ability to hide inside a television most of the time, alongside some very high intelligence and pain tolerance, he was able to snatch the victory like a child in Mandela County.
Wiz: The winner is The Intruder.
Next Time On Random Death Battles...[]
Eye for an Eye, Pie for a Pie
First to correctly guess it or find out what it is gets a mention down below
Deadline: 12th of February
First correct guess: TheSmileyC1 (Found out about it on the 9th of February 10 PM)
Trivia[]
- This is the first battle by RandomDudeWhoDoesStuff.