This man has some godlike range.
when it comes to death battle, they’ve had many different voice actors performing different roles, to the point of having even had an occasional official VA, but I don’t think any of them have had the range to cover these vastly different characters as well as Tom has (not to say they also aren’t great, they’ve all done fantastic roles in the show, this BR just peaked my fancy the most) it’s time for a battle Royale between a glass pitcher, British vampire, alien warrior, nautical sponge and decepticon leader to take place.
(note: while this does focus on the fact they were all played by Tom Schalk in death battle, i will be using full composites and where I think they scale to determine a winner, though i will mention in the analysis where they’d have landed if we used Death battles research and if we used what they pulled off in the fights as well)
intro[]
Sheldon: voice acting, a profession that’s actually a lot more difficult than it seems, especially when it comes to trying to mimic characters with already existing voices.
Deadpool: just pulling off one is impressive, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen a person pull off such drastically different roles like Tom Schalk has.
Sans: Kool-Aid Man, clencher of thirst and defeater of the Macho Man.
Sheldon: Dio Brando, enemy of the Joestar bloodline and slayer of Alucard.
Deadpool: Omni-man, viltrumite warrior who put down the Homelander.
Sheldon: SpongeBob SquarePants, Goofy Goober and honorary superfriend.
Sans: and Megatron, decepticon leader who humiliated frieza, who then kinda got killed and lost his planet… yeesh.
Deadpool: we’re taking these characters at their absolute best and are gonna try to leave no stones unturned to figure out who would win…
All: A DEATH BATTLE.
kool-aid man busts in with an “oh yeah”[]
Sheldon: One of the fundamental needs of a human body is liquid, it makes sense as we are 70% water, if a human were to go without it for roughly 3 days they will die.
Deadpool: of course just plain old water can get kinda boring, ya need some real flavouring to get a true kick outta it.
Sans: and one of the earliest and most prominent water flavourings of all would obviously have to be Kool-aid, with a K… what is this some multi decade spanning fighting game.
Deadpool: I mean, Kool-aid did come first, so MK actually copied the drink.
Sheldon: enough you both know that… probably isn’t true, anyway this drink obviously needed something important to get it as far as it got, a mascot, but not just any, this one had to be big, bright and had to literally smash its way into your sight, this, was the Kool-aid man.
KAM: OH YEAH.
Sans: originally beginning as nothing but a glass pitcher, this fruity drink would eventually don arms and legs to spread his message of Kool-Aid to anyone he can, specifically through breaking through walls.
Deadpool: wood, plaster, brick, solid concrete, even the metal hull of a spaceship are nothing to his charge, heck he’ll even bust through into separate mediums entirely to advertise it.
Sheldon: like his Marvel comics run where he battled numerous miniature suns known as the Thirsties, i mean, not that impressive when you can just straight up shatter the actual sun.
Sans: from robot chicken where he fought against… Randy Savage, huh, though most prominent of all would likely be his appearances in Family guy, to the point of being a reoccurring character.
Deadpool: but lets answer the real question, is Kool-Aid Man the drink or the pitcher?
Sheldon: surprisingly, both, we’ve seen KAM apply the Kool-Aid into himself, and we’ve seen him come back after having his pitcher shattered, meaning unless you can get rid of both the Kool-Aid and the pitcher, he will survive.
Sans: and good luck with that, not only can he just summon more into exist, transmute other people and objects into Kool-Aid, create clones of himself and have access to an entire alternate dimension made of Kool-Aid, but some certain brands also have specific powers.
Deadpool: like Ghoul-Aid, which turns him into a vampire, Cool-Aid, which grants him ice breath, Rainbow and Sunshine punch, which let him summon blasts of rainbows, that also happen to be solid and can mend objects, and blasts of blinding sunlight respectively.
Sheldon: he has ones that can turn him invisible, increase his strength and even revive a boy who had been completely flattened.
Sans: and there’s even the bugs bunny Kool-Aid, which can summon an army of kids, but I think the much more important part, is that that wabbit himself can leave the box.
Deadpool: you all know him, he can do practically anything with toonforce so long as it’s funny, to the point of becoming the very animator himself, and scaling to daffy and buster bunny both place him at a universal level of destruction, and Kool-Aid Man should definitely scale as well.
Sheldon: heck, his Kool-Aid even allows for his own toonforce, to the point where people who drink it can instantly heal from being flattened or turned into a puddle, and since he’s made of the stuff he should have similar capabilities as well.
Sans: he also carries around a bunch of sports equipment, a monster truck, and even a magic wand and that can transmute anything.
Deadpool: his Kool-Aid can even turn kids into adults and vice versa, man, imagine having to have instant puberty, heck imagine doing it in reverse, horrifying.
Sheldon: he can fly people to the moon at relativistic speeds, reverse time, cause mountains to spin at blurry speeds to the point where they somehow become Kool-Aid packets.
Sans: he can survive in the depths of space and is unaffected by its pressure when it pulled everything else in a ship out of it, he can spawn walls out of the ground, and he even knows exactly where someone is whenever they say the words “OH NO”, man knuckles must have summoned him a bunch, huh?
Deadpool: he can cause plants to grow with his tears, to the point where they form a fully sentient mr. Peanut, which also means they can raise the dead, I guess.
Sheldon: he can cause massive amounts of ice to appear under his feet, grow to the size of a massive building in seconds, teleport others, disintegrate people and whisk them to other places, heck he can even just become the earth itself.
Sans: he can summon stars into existence, and can transform any water into Kool-Aid, why is this important? Well the human body is about 70% water, so yeah.
Deadpool: he’s even tanked a few blows from Stewie Griffin, the same baby who can survive an explosion that launched him through time and created a universe.
Sheldon: he can even boost his strength even further with super fruity cheery, and can decrease his opponents own might with Kool-Aid Koolers which can shrink them in size.
Sans: he can manipulate waves and form large gusts of wind just by breathing, and he can even utilise vehicles capable of flight like his Kopter and jet-pack, kinda redundant when his Kool-Aid itself can grant flight but what can ya do.
Sheldon: this all being said, Kool-Aid man is primarily an advertiser, he doesn’t really have that much experience actually fighting.
Deadpool: I mean, hey, guy still pulled off a win against the Macho Man Randy Savage in a Death Battle were they tanked a massive explosion, summoned some storm clouds and reacted to lightning, and, with me there as well, even managed to help Boomstick solve his daddy issues, those problems ain’t holding him back that much.
Sans: so should the thirsties come a knocking, Kool-Aid Man will always be there to save the day while yelling-
| “ | OH YEAH!!! | „ |
Bow before your new god, Dio Brando[]
Sheldon: Fate, Destiny, Gravity, all words for the governing forces of the universe, they are undeniable, unbreakable, but, what if they weren’t, what if someone had the power to break his fate, to rewrite their destiny and the destiny of all those around him.
Deadpool: well, he’d probably be standing above heaven itself, but no one actually could, right?
Sans: well, actually yeah, a man who rose from the dirt itself all so he could achieve a true heaven, meet Dio Brando!
Omni-man isn’t here for your country[]
Sheldon: let’s be honest here, when it comes to the word superhero, there’s always that one singular image that comes to mind, the blue suit, the giant S, the red cape, Superman is the epitome of heroes, and as such he’s inspired countless other heroes across all mediums.
Deadpool: and the one we’re focusing on today is pretty dang clear in his basis on the man of steel, this is Omni-man.
Sans: hailing from the planet Viltrum, Omni-man, or as he’d soon be called, Nolan Grayson, came to earth to bring it peace, as that is what his race does, leading many planets into prosperity.
Sheldon: he’d be heralded as a hero, facing down any impossible threat and successfully taking it out, like the time he stopped a meteor the size of Texas.
Deadpool: assuming that is in both length, width and height, a clay composition (the most common thing meteors are made of), and using the difference between its weight to the weight of a much smaller meteor to find its speed, this feat at its absolute highball would be worth 6.1379649958E46 joules, which we have tried and failed to find what it is in tons/foe.
Sheldon: this massive strength is only one the advantages to being a viltrumite, he can fly at speeds faster than light, hold his breath for weeks on end and survive near fatal blows like they’re nothing, all thanks to a Viltrumite biology being composed of smart atoms.
Sans: so you can bet his son Mark was excited when he gained these abilities as well, only there was a problem, now that mark had his powers, Nolan began his true plan by massacring the guardians of the globe, uhhh.
Deadpool: turns out, the way viltrumites brought other races to prosperity, was through domination, heh, so you can bet Mark was pretty shocked to find this out, heck the whole world was honestly.
Sheldon: so Mark prepared to face his father… is where we would be at if he composite wasn’t involved.
Sans: instead, he was sent into the Mortal Kombat realms to do battle against flaming ninja whose fire can burn others to ash in seconds, and icy ones capable of freezing someone to the point they instantly shatter.
Deadpool: he fought gods and monsters with thousands of years of non-stop combat experience who can shake the earth with just their punches or utilise sunlight to attack others.
Sheldon: this includes the monk liu Kang, who not only has a wealth of knowledge on numerous martial arts, but who can bring a black hole into existence with as little effort as a finger snap.
Sans: and who should be be comparable to the elder gods, being who split the universe into numerous different parts, and Shao Kahn, who could merge these parts, or realms, back together.
Deadpool: he’s got some moves from it like the ability to toss large meteors at someone, a stance that allows for instant parrying and his shockwave clapping, though most of the other ones just happen to be references.
Sheldon: he spent his time there tearing through all the different realms until he could finally come back, and actually face down his son this time.
Sans: things uhh, didn’t go so well for Mark there, though we did get to see just how much damage a viltrumite can take because of it.
Sheldon: simply put, unless it’s directly damaging their heart, a viltrumite can survive practically anything, even including having intestines torn out or damage to the brain.
Deadpool: mark himself got beaten to a bloody pulp by his dad, but he kept on fighting, not out of confidence or anger, but out of his pure hearted kindness and willingness to never back down to save his planet.
Sans: and upon a message of how they’d still have each other, Nolan fled the solar system, his heart genuinely torn between his duty to the empire and his love for his family, despite wanting to make them apart of the viltrumite empire, he instead became more human.
Sheldon: Viltrumites can cross galaxies in relatively short amounts of time, have done battle for centuries and when other species charge them they will be reduced to pulp without the viltrumite needing to really do anything, and Nolan is one of their best, making his eventual decision to turn against the empire a rather big thing, though he’d still face quite a bit of problems.
SpongeBob SquarePants has saved the city[]
Burger beard: are ya ready kids.
Seagulls: aye aye captain.
Burger beard: I can’t hear you.
(before they can continue, a hose turns on, sending them off)
Deadpool: damn trespassers.
Sheldon: deep under the sea within the area of bikini atoll lies an unlikely town filled with fishy inhabitants known as Bikini Bottom.
Sans: and within this town lies the Krusty Krab, a rather grimy restaurant that apparently serves the greatest food to ever exist, the krabby patty.
Deadpool: this is partially because of its number one fry cook, SpongeBob SquarePants.
Sheldon: though his job didn’t come easy, due to his general appearance and demeanour he wasn’t exactly taken seriously when he first signed up, but after proving himself and fending off an army of rapid anchovies, he was able to secure his position as a top fry cook.
Sans: having moved to Bikini Bottom after a pineapple fell from the ocean surface, SpongeBob spends his days getting up to countless different antics, from bubble blowing and jelly-fishing with his best friend Patrick Star, to annoying their next door neighbour Squidward Tentacles, to practicing Kah-Rah-Tae with Texan Sandy Cheeks, he’s done a lot over his many years a great cartoon icon.
Deadpool: SpongeBob has been through ALOT, and trying to list every adventure he’s been on would be rather tiring, especially considering just how loose the canon in SpongeBob is, heck did you know that every episode apparently takes place in a separate universe, the writers said so.
Sheldon: of course that doesn’t mean he won’t be getting everything he’s held in these episodes, especially the stuff he consistently holds, like his Spatula which he names Spat, with this he can match experienced pirates in sword duels, fly through the air and obviously speaking cook his Krabby Patties.
Deadpool: which taste so good they can make you addicted or rewrite your mind, even countering mind control, heal wounds and can apparently make you explode.
Megatrons wits should more than suffice, you blithering ponce[]
Sheldon: millions of years ago upon the planet cybertron, many of its inhabitants were separated into separate positions upon their birth, their futures determined for them before they could even walk.
Deadpool: ouch, one of these low class workers didn’t quite like that very much, and so decided he would make a change to this way of life, this was Megatron.
Sans: to begin his crusade, he wrote a simple speech to try and change things peacefully, only problem, the higher ups decided they didn’t like that very much and decided they’d have him killed, which promptly came back to bite ‘em.
Sheldon: seeing peace was not an option, Megatron opted for a far more violent approach, and began a civil war that lasted millennia.
Deadpool: by the way, he’s a giant robot.
Sheldon: more accurately, a cybertronian, a… well yes, a giant robot, but who’s sentient, and far far more complex than anything humanity could come up with.
Sans: partially because of their life force, energon, but it’s far more than that, it’s what powers damn near everything on Cybertron, including their weapons, of which Megatron has quite a few.
Deadpool: he can create energy weapons like maces, use it as a force field, and fire concentrated beams of it out of his fusion canon, which once fired a blast right out of earth’s atmosphere, gee, hope it didn’t hurt the guy.
Fight[]
A TV screen turns on, showing the WWE announcement, a woman is currently reporting.
LL: I’m live here in the WWE stadium to bring you the first ever one held within the UK, and that’s not actually the strangest thing here if you’d believe it, after an illness forced him to back out, the macho man himself sent in a rather unique substitute for his place.
The camera moves over to a wall as a giant glass pitcher filled with a sweet red juice busts through.
Kool-Aid Man: OH YEAH!
LL: The Macho Man has confirmed that the two have sparred together and that this giant jar of juice has even defeated him on occasion, so I guess we’ll get to see a rather interesting fight today as he fights the -
zzzzzt
All of a sudden the tv cuts out, the resident workers of the Hellsing manner groaning in annoyance as it does so.
The halls of the manor lay silent, far more than they usually do, within her office, Sir Integral Fairbrooks Wingait Hellsing sits out her desk, hands covering her mouth as she sits in thought of the report in front of her, while not very noticeable, if one held a keen enough eyesight they could notice her head just barely shaking as she tried to keep herself calm, but with the news she had just gotten, that was almost impossible.
Sir integral: h-he’s dead.
Her breathing catches in her throat as she utters these words, a few days ago she had sent out her greatest hunter, and her oldest friend, to find and eliminate a vampire who had been starting up some problems, she had only just received the notification that he had failed… those thoughts still lingered in her head, she didn’t feasibly think it could be possible, yet here it was, the news that Alucard, the first and greatest vampire to ever exist, was now just a bloody stain upon the streets, and the windows, and the roofs, and quite a few other places in the city.
Turning her head, she looked upon the girl leaning into the wall, she could hear the small whimpers coming from Seras Victoria, Alucard was practically like a father to her, you could even argue he just straight up was considering he was the one to have sired her, it was a dark day indeed within Hellsing manor, and the figure watching it from outside would it much much worse.
Dio Brando: heh, so this is the infamous Hellsing Manor, the ones who sent that dog to be put down by me, well then, I guess I’ll just pop in for my own bite to eat.
Within no time at all seemingly, Dio had crossed the field to the manor doors, which now lay splintered across the ground, alerting all inside as the vampire sauntered in like he owned the place, which admittedly, he planned to.
Walking through the halls, he came face to faces with numerous of Hellsing men, all aiming their guns at him, simply raising them all a cocky smirk, Dio raises his arms as he approaches them.
Hellsing employee: FIRE.
Countless bullets are fired out in less then a second, an entire wall of lead approaching the vampire, but that was nothing to someone who controlled-
DIO: ZA WARUDO
Countlees blood splatter appeared across the walls as the bullets were suddenly returned at speeds much faster than sound as DIO walks through the Hellsing manor as he approached more of its troops, not even paying notice to the now blood splattered TV as it turned back on to reveal Kool-Aid Man as the winner of his first fight, only that wasn’t his focus, in fact he seemed as if to be looking through the screen with widened eyes.
Bullets rang through the halls as Integral spoke through the radio, Seras listening closely as a staticy voice rings through.
Hellsing employee 2: i-it’s so- ond muscu- mpire, he’s mo- ng acr- s the r- m inst- tly.
Eyes widening, she realised who exactly it was, the one who had killed their trump card, before she can even utter a command Seras was off.
Seras: GRAHH, THAT BASTARD, ILL RIP ‘IM TO PIECES.
Closing her eyes in thought, Sir Integral brought unlocked a cupboard in her desk to find a small piece of technology, she didn’t like relying on non-Hellsing individuals for help, but desperate times called for desperate measures.
Rain poured down upon the graveyard, thousands of miles away from what was happening as many gathered around for a funeral, a picture at the front of the service showing a middle aged woman in a green shirt with a small smile on her face, one specific funeral goer stood at the side, he had just previously given the speech for his wife’s memorial and was now standing in silence and watching as the many people go up to her casket to pay respects, though none of them knew it was empty, you can’t exactly do anything with a charred skeleton.
He watched as his son sat back down, his breath catching in his throat as he began crying again, it was unbeffiting of someone with a power and status like him but… he just couldn’t bring himself to tell his son off for it, he hesitates, unsure of wether or not to approach his son when suddenly ringing sounds out in his ear as he gets a message, deciding a mission would be preferable to the chat he’d eventually need to have, he excused himself from the funeral and donned his suit, the thing that showed others that he was Omni-Man.
The squeaking of shoes sounds out as one sole figure walks the halls of justice, he held a worried look on his face, he still wasn’t sure if he deserved to work alongside these people after what he had done to their teammate, but he knew he had to help them to make up for what he did, stopping his walk, SpongeBob SquarePants looked up at the memorial on the wall.
In loving memory, a friend and hero, Arthur Curry, Aquaman.
Smiling up at the picture, SpongeBob remembered his last words.
Memory Arthur: Don’t cry sponge, let’s be… super… friends.
analysis[]
If Kool-Aid Man wins
If Dio wins
If Omniman wins
If SpongeBob wins
If Megatron wins
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