| Tin Woodman vs. Treebeard | |
|---|---|
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| Season 4, Episode 6 | |
| Air date | July 21, 2019 |
| Written by | I'm Lynda |
| Episode guide | |
| Previous Gordon vs. John Wraith |
Next Diego (Ice Age) vs. Shere Khan |
Tin Woodman vs. Treebeard is a What-If? Death Battle by I'm Lynda. It features the Tin Woodman from L. Frank Baum's Oz books, and Treebeard from J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings books.
Description[]
It’s a feller of trees versus a shepherd of trees in a battle that will leaf you breathless!
Interlude[]
Boomstick: I think that I shall never see a poem lovely as a tree.
Wiz: Wow that was beautiful.
Boomstick: Wait, I’m not done. But, lovelier by far is what you make from them after you’ve chopped ‘em down...like a guitar.
Wiz: That’s didn’t roll anywhere near as nice.
Boomstick: Hrmph. Everybody’s a critic.
Wiz: Well today we bring together the two sides of the equitation, one who wants to cut down trees, and one who wants to save them. Boomstick: The first is my main man from Oz, the Tin Woodman.
Wiz: And the other is Middle-earth’s shepherd of trees, Treabeard.
Boomstick: I’m Boomstick, and that fella there is Wiz.
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
Tin Woodman[]
Boomstick: ♪ Oh, I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK, I sleep all night and I work all day. I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I GO TO THE LAVATORYYYYYYYYY! ♪
Wiz: Gee Boomstick, did anyone ever tell you before that you can’t sing?
Boomstick: What are you talking about? My momma says that I have a beautiful singing voice!
Wiz: Well, considering that she also says that you are smart and handsome, you should take her opinions with a grain of salt.
Boomstick: Jealousy ill becomes, Wizard.
Wiz: Pfft. Jealosy.
Boomstick Anyway, in a tiny little Munchkin village, in the merry old Land of Oz, there lived a happy woodcutter named Nick Chopper. Well, they say that your name is your destiny.
Wiz: One day, Nick fell in love with a beautiful Munchkin girl named Nimmie Amee, and the two decided to get married.
Boomstick: But, there was one fly in the ointment, Nimmie Amee’s guardian was none other than the Wicked Witch of the East herself. Old hooknose did not think that Nick made a suitable match for her ward, so she decided to put him out of the way by cursing his ax.
Wiz: The next time that Nick swang his ax...
Boomstick: “Swang,” is that really a word?
Wiz: Yes. And the next time he swang his ax at a tree, the ax slipped and cut his leg off. So, being a typical inhabitant of Oz, he went, not to a doctor, but to a tinsmith. The tinsmith made him a new leg out of tin, and Nick returned to work. But, that was not the end of the curse. As Nick cut parts off of his body, he had them replaced with tin parts, until he was made entirely of tin, and was known as the “Tin Woodman.”
Boomstick: But, if there was one thing that old Nick missed from his meat body, it was his heart, the seat of his emotions. And so, when he had a chance to accompany a lost little girl to the great Wizard of Oz, he accompanied her, and eventually was given a heart made out of velvet, and stuffed with sawdust. It was just what he needed...somehow.
Wiz: After the adventure with Dorthy Gale, Nick was made Emperor of the Winkies, and even had himself nickel-plated.
Boomstick: Nicky-boy has some real advantages when it comes to fighting. First of all, having given up all of his meat parts, he never gets tired, and he never gets hungry, and he never has to sleep. This means that he can keep swinging that ax all day and all night.
Wiz: It also means that he is immune to most minor injuries. For example, when the Wicked Witch of the West sent a swarm of bees to sting him, they all broke their stingers off on his metal body.
Boomstick: But, on the downside, he is VERY prone to rusting. Why, if he’s not careful Nick Chopper can rust himself entirely solid. A little bit of water, and even his own tears can rust him up. Boy, that velvet heart is easily broken!
Wiz: Now, tin is not a ferrous metal, and is not prone to rust, but nonetheless, Nick rusts, so it must just be that the tinsmith made his joints out of iron. To help him along with this problem, he usually carries an oil can with him, but a sudden rainstorm, or similar dowsing, and he is in real trouble.
Boomstick: If the nickel-plating was done to make him less rust-prone, well it didn’t work. But, it did make him very shiny, and one a moonlit night, he spun his ax in the moonlight, mesmerizing a monster with the dancing lights. Nick’s good friend, the Scarecrow, then planted a post-hypnotic suggestion, making him as peaceful as a kitten.
Wiz: Nick’s greatest weapon is his ax, which he always keeps by his side. Once when the Wicket Witch sent 40 wolves against Nick and his companions, Nick just calmly swang his ax...
Boomstick: There’s that “swang” again. There’s no way that that’s right.
Wiz: Nick used his ax to behead 40 wolves as they charged against him. Boomstick: That’s right, made of metal, and carrying a razor-sharp ax. Mess with this bad boy at your own peril!
Treebeard[]
Wiz: In the early days of Arda, the vala Yavanna, goddess of all green things, feared that the dwarves would cut down all of her beloved trees with their axes. And so, she petitioned Eru Ilúvatar, the supreme deity of Arda, to create shepherds for her trees. He listened to her, and created the ents.
Boomstick: The ents were a race of living, tree-like giants. Huge things that roamed wherever there were trees, and in the olden days, that was pretty much everywhere.
Wiz: In the early days of Arda, they met with the elves, and learned a lot from them, even developing a language that allowed the two races to communicate with each other.
Boomstick: But, the ents and the dwarves never did get along good together. The first time that the ents show up in the history book was during the far-back days of Beren and Lúthien Tinúviel, when they squashed a bunch of dwarves...and that’s about all the story says about them.
Wiz: Ents themselves are very strong. When Meriadoc Brandybuck recounted the Battle of Isengard, during the War of the Ring, he mentioned that, “a punch from an ent-fist crumples up iron like thin tin.” When attacking the wizard’s stronghold, they demolished the wall around the tower, taking a mere five minutes to tear down its colossal gates. They also hurled boulders and huge pieces of broken masonry.
Boomstick: And, ents are very hard to hurt. During that battle, Saruman’s orcs fired so many arrows into the ents that they looked like pincushions. But, as Merry said, “their skin seems to be very thick, and tougher than bark.” So, such attacks did little to actually harm them. Mainly, it just pissed them off, and a pissed off walking tree is not something you want to see.
Wiz: Merry went on to say that, “They don’t like axes. But there would have to be a great many axe-men to one Ent: a man that hacks once at an Ent never gets a chance of a second blow.” So...yeah, don’t mess with a pissed off ent.
Boomstick: They are not invulnerable. They seem to be very vulnerable to steam and flame. Saruman succeeded in scorching many with steam, and some sort of “liquid fire” set one to burning like a torch.
Wiz: And ents have two more abilities which are really surprising. The first is that they can wrap the shadows of the forest around themselves. When they do that, they become completely unnoticeable, leaving you unable to see the ent for the forest, as it were. He he.
Boomstick: Whatever. And the second thing is that though they prefer to move slowly, they can actually move pretty damn fast, when they want to. Overall, it’s a pretty impressive package. An enraged ent is a bad opponent to find yourself facing.
Intermission[]
Wiz: Alright the combatants are set; let’s end this debate...
Boomstick: Wait, Wiz, it’s hot as hell in here, and I can’t keep my Hiney cool. I mean, who wants a hot Hiney at this time of year?
Wiz: Well, Boomstick, you don’t have to let your Hiney get hot. Big Red and Thor Hiney, the owners of Hiney Wines have put their minds to the problem of hot Hiney’s, and came up with the Hiney Cooler.
Boomstick: Hiney Cooler, what’s that?
Wiz: The Hiney Cooler is a state-of-the-art cooling system designed to keep your Hiney cool in the hottest of temperatures, so that you can always have an ice-cold Hiney at your fingertips.
Boomstick: What if I’m on the beach, can I have a cold Hiney there?
Wiz: Sure! Day or night, at home or on the beach, you can have a refreshingly cold Hiney. Here, try one from my Hiney Cooler.
[Sound of a drink can opening.]
[Sound of loud swallowing.]
Boomstick: Ahhhhhhhh! Wow! Thanks Wiz, that really hit the spot!
Wiz: Remember, if you are going to drink, drink responsibly.
Boomstick: And that means drinking the best wine to come from Herculaneum, Missouri, Hiney Wine!
Wiz: Alright, our Hiney’s are cold, and the combatants are set.
Boomstick: Its time for a DEATH BATTLE!
[Sound of a loud belch.]
DEATH BATTLE![]
Pre-Fight []
In the Winkie Country of the Land of Oz, there stood a castle made entirely of tin. And in the main hall of that castle there stood a tin throne, upon which sat the Emperor of the Winkies, the Tin Woodman of Oz, Nick Chopper. The Tin Woodman shone, even in his bright and shining tin throne room, for he was plated in nickel, but that is a different story.
The Tin Woodman was talking to his good friend, the Scarecrow, when a group of Winkie soldiers, all armored in shining tin, escorted in four bedraggled-looking travelers, each with large and curiously hairy feet.
The four hobbits bowed before the Emperor, who said to them, “Well, I don’t think that I have seen such as you before, and I have travelled far and wide in the Land of Oz.”
Frodo Baggins’ fingers fidgeted with the chain around his neck, but he said, “If it pleases your majesty, we are Hobbits from the Shire.”
The Tin Woodman cocked his head to the side and asked, “I have never heard of the Shire before, why are you now in the Land of the Winkies?”
Frodo, unsure what he should tell the strange man before him, stammered out, “Well, we are on a journey for the wizard, Gandalf the Grey. And, we really didn’t mean to enter your country. As a matter of fact, we had never heard of your country before either.”
The Tin Woodman sat up even straighter than before. “A wizard you say? Is he a good wizard?”
“Oh yes,” Frodo proclaimed. “He’s a very good wizard, and it’s very important that we get on with the journey that he set for us.”
In spite of his impassive face, the hobbits could tell that he was now excited. “We have a good wizard here in Oz, he’s called Oz, the Great and Terrible, but he’s really not terrible, he’s really very good.” Nick Chopper said.
Suddenly, the Tin Woodman stood up, and proclaimed, “Well, if you are on a journey for a wizard, then you must be on your way. To help you on your way, I will accompany you myself. As Emperor of the Winkies, I feel sure that I can provide assistance everywhere in Oz.”
The Scarecrow raised a curiously boneless arm, and pointed a finger towards the ceiling. “I will accompany you as well, for with my remarkable brains, I am sure that I can send you along speedily!” he announced.
Sam Gamgee leaned over, and whispered into Frodo’s ear, “This is a strange land, Mr. Frodo, and make no mistake. I can’t wait until we are out of this place.”
Frodo couldn’t help but nod.
The six travelers made their way through the Land of the Winkies, which was a bright and inviting land to travel through. The hobbits marveled at the yellow flowers that grew in perfusion across the land, and the wild yellow canaries that flitted about. And the people, who were not much taller than the hobbits themselves, seemed to all dress in bright yellow colors themselves.
Wherever they went, the Tin Woodman was welcomed as a hero, and the hobbits never went without eating, or somewhere warm to sleep at night. The Tin Woodman and the Scarecrow both explained that they did not need to eat or sleep, and indeed they never seemed to tire, as they walked mile after mile.
The land turned wilder as they continued, wilder and more wooded. Eventually, they were walking through a dense forest, and they came to a wide river, which the hobbits recognized immediately. It felt as though they were already back in their own country.
Frodo gazed across the river. “We need to get to the other side of the river. How do we get across?”
“That shouldn’t be any problem at all,” the Tin Woodman proclaimed. “With my trusty axe, I can easily cut down enough trees to make a good, stout raft that will take us all across.”
Turning to his companions, the Tin Woodman said, “Now, you all go around and find us some vines to use as ropes, and I will get chopping!”
The gravity of their journey forgotten, the hobbits scampered off into the wood, with the Scarecrow right behind them.
The Tin Woodman laid his axe to the trunk of a tree, pulled it back, and began chopping away. He thought he heard a low, moaning sound, so he stopped chopping and looked around. There was no one nearby, so he decided that it was just his imagination playing games with him, or perhaps the sound of wind sighing through the branches.
He went back to chopping, and soon had enough trees felled to make a handsome raft. He then began making wooden pegs, the help secure the logs together.
Suddenly, there was a crash to the side, and a creature stepped into the clearing with Nick Chopper. He looked over at it, and then he looked up and up. The creature was the size of a tree, which it rather resembled.
“Destroyer!” it thundered. “Murderer! Tree-killer!”
The Tin Woodman’s jaw dropped with an audible squeak.
Treebeard advanced on the Tin Woodman. “Axe-wielder!” he accused. “You are killing those trees.”
Nick Chopper held his axe defensively before him, even as he back up. “Please, sir, I meant no harm.”
Treebeard pointed a gnarled hand at him, and said in his gravely voice, “Meant no harm, did you? And what of all these trees?”
Nick looked at the fallen trees, and then back at Treebeard. “We needed to get to the other side of the river, so I simply cut down some trees to make a raft.”
“And did you not think about the trees?” Treebeard demanded. “Didn’t you hear their groaning in pain?”
Suddenly Nick understood. “These are magic woods,” he declared. “I heard the moaning, sir, but I did not realize what it meant.”
Nick straightened up, and looked at the giant. “I am the emperor around here you know,” he declared.
“You are not my emperor!” Treebeard yelled. “You are my enemy!”
With that, he stepped forward.
FIGHT! []
The Tin Woodman raised his axe, and when Treebeard’s hand reached for him, he brought it down on the ent’s arm. To his surprise, the blade barely bit into the creature.
Treebeard roared, and pulled his arm back. The axe, stayed embedded in the arm, and pulled Nick Chopper with it. When the axe finally came free, it and Nick flew off to the side.
Nick heaved himself to his feet, and raised his axe, as Treebeard charged at him again.
When the ent got to him, he swung his axe, and then dodged to the side. Each time the ent grabbed at him, Nick swang his axe, and then dodged. Suddenly he realized that as the sunlight bounced off of his nickel plated body and axe, the giant recoiled from the brightness of it.
The Tin Woodman stepped into the sunlight at the edge of the river, and began to twirl his axe as fast as he could. Beams of sunlight bounced off in every direction, and Treebeard stopped, and put his hands in front of his eyes.
“Hoom,” Treebeard bellowed like a deep-throated horn. “Tricks will not save you, Tree-Killer.”
The Tin Woodman remembered that he and the Scarecrow had used this trick to hypnotize the monster guarding Terp, the Terrible’s magic muffin tree. Of course, the light that he had used at that time had been gentle moonlight, and this harsh sunlight was not affecting this monster the same way at all.
“Oh!” groaned the Tin Woodman, how he wished that he had the Scarecrow here now to use his marvelous brains to give him some ideas!
Suddenly, Treebeard leaned down to the ground, and swept his arm along the forest floor. A veritable hail of leaves and sticks filled the air.
The Tin Woodman’s twirl faltered, and the sunlight nearly disappeared from the clearing that the combatants were standing in.
Treebeard charged forward with a “Hoom!” and swatted at the Tin Woodman. Nick brought his axe down with all his might, and the axe bit into the giant’s arm again.
Treebeard swang his arm, and tossed the Tin Woodman and his axe off to the side. Nick flew through the air, struck a tree, and fell to the ground.
When he got up, the Tin Woodman noticed that his left leg was bent, and shorter than the right one.
When Treebeard charged again, he hobbled to the side, swinging his axe as fast as he could. He took three small notches out of Treebeard arm, and then leaped to the side.
When Treebeard charged again, the Tin Woodman did the same thing, taking more small notches out of the giant’s arm.
He stood up, and teetered some, and then lifted his axe up again. He had never fought a tree monster before, but he was the finest woodcutter in all of Oz. He would not fail.
Treebeard charged, and Nick Chopper moved to the side and swang his axe at the monster’s arm. He took more notches from the arm, and for good measure aimed a cut at Treebeard’s leg.
Unfortunately, his bent leg failed him in this extra movement, and the Tin Woodman fell clumsily to the side, his axe bighting into ent’s backside.
Treebeard bellowed in pain at the bite of the axe. He spun and then fell backwards. Right onto the Tin Woodman!
There was a horrible crumpling sound, and then silence.
Treebeard stood up, and looked down at his fallen opponent. The Tin Woodman’s eyes looked up at him from his now flattened face.
The ent harrumphed at him, and said, “Some emperor. From now on, do not cut trees in my forest!”
And with that, he faded into the shadows of the forest, and was gone.
K.O.! []
After a while, the Scarecrow and the four hobbits walked back to edge of the forest, their arms filled with vines.
The Scarecrow looked down at the flattened Tin Woodman, and exclaimed, “What happened to you?!”
The Nick Chopper’s mouth refused to open. “Hi fut fuh honfuh,” he mumbled.
“Fought a monster?” the Scarecrow asked. “It looks like you lost.”
He shook his head, and turned to the hobbits. “Well, you have everything you need to make a fine raft, and continue your journey.”
Then, he looked down at Nick. “Well, I sure hope that Ozma can fix you. You’re flat as a tin plate!”
The Tin Woodman sighed. “Fhit,” he mumbled.
Results[]
Boomstick: Bwa ha ha ha! He got sat on and smashed like a pop can! Ha ha!
Wiz: The Tin Woodman is a fascinating character, but he really lacked what it took to defeat his opponent.
Boomstick: The axe-man had one clear advantage, and that was stamina; he had it by the bucket-load. You see he never had to stop to eat or rest, which meant that, if given enough time, he would be able to outlast any opponent.
Wiz: Against this advantage, Treebeard had the advantages of size and strength. For example, he was able to smash a full-grown orc flat, with one stomp of his foot. So, any opponent would have to be able to take a lot of punishment.
Boomstick: But old Nick Chopper was made out of metal. Doesn’t that mean that he could take that punishment?
Wiz: True, he was made out of metal, but it was not steel. Instead he was made out of tin, a metal known for its ductility and malleability. Which is to say, it is relatively easy to bend and crush.
Boomstick: Did you ever hear an old person calling aluminum foil “tin foil?” Well, that’s because before aluminum became widely available, there was a foil made out of tin, which was used for the same purpose. You could easily bend and shape it around...stuff.
Wiz: And we see that in the events of L. Frank Baum’s 1918 book, The Tin Woodman of Oz. At one point, Nick Chopper and Captain Fyter bump into one another, and both suffered from disabling banding to their bodies.
Boomstick: In the original Wonderful Wizard of Oz book, the Tin Woodman had no trouble with being stung by bees. And, during the events of the movie, he was dropped from a low height without noticeable damage. But nonetheless, he could not stand up to much in the way of abuse, and Treebeard could definitely open up a can of whoop-ass...literally.
Wiz: Yep, the winner is Treebeard!
Next Time[]
Big cats. Man-eaters. The carnivores that lurked in the forest of the night. In the next episode of Death Battle! we bring together two of the biggest and baddest, and make them fight to the death! It’s Diego (Ice Age) vs. Shere Khan!
Cameo Appearances[]
- Frodo Baggins (The Lord of the Rings)
- Sam Gamgee (The Lord of the Rings)
- The Scarecrow (Oz)