| The Soldier vs. Jubilee
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|---|---|
| Season 6, Episode 5 | |
Vital statistics
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| Air date | February 17th, 2016 |
| Written by | ParaGoomba348 |
| Directed by | Anonymous |
Episode guide
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| Previous | Next |
| Robin vs. Delsin Rowe | Ragyo Kiryuin vs. Esdeath |
The Soldier vs. Jubilee is a What-If? Episode of Death Battle, pitting The Soldier from Team Fortress 2 against Jubilee from Marvel's X-Men. It is the follow-up to The Demoman vs. Gambit.
Description[]
Team Fortress 2 VS X-Men! Things got pretty explosive last time, and they're about to alight with even more sparks! Does Jubilee have what it takes to defeat the rocket-jumping mercenary?
Interlude[]
Wiz: Explosions - cinematic effect which showcases where an area is dangerous.
Boomstick: And we love the hell out of 'em! Especially Michael Bay! In fact, we love them so much, we decided to do a follow-up of The Demoman vs. Gambit! This time, with The Soldier, the rocket-jumping mercenary of the RED Team!
Wiz: And Jubilee, the mutant fireworks X-Man. As Jubilee's recent appearances in the comic have turned her into a vampire, we will only be examining Jubilee's feats from the 90's X-Men cartoon and from before her vampire transformation.
Boomstick: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick!
Wiz: It's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win... a Death Battle.
The Soldier[]
Wiz: In a time of great despair, war, hostility, and famine, the brothers Blutarch and Redmond led opposing sides in a war which could only be known as... The Gravel Wars.
Boomstick: Which was literally nothing more than two grown brothers fighting over gravel pits their dad left them. So basically, the grown-up version of refusing to share. How manly.
Wiz: But what Redmond needed in order to gain the upper hand in the war, he needed someone tough and ready to take on anything in front of him, and so blindly dedicated to war that his brains were almost nonexistent. Someone like The Soldier, named... Jane Doe.
Boomstick: Wait, hold up! You're saying his name was Jane Doe?!
Wiz: ...Yeah... that's actually his name, not joking.
Boomstick: Team Fortress 2, seriously, what the fuck. I mean, I've seen some weird stuff, but the things they came up with in that game...
Wiz: But before Jane was recruited into Redmond's team, he started out in an attempt to enlist in World War II. Sadly for Mr. Doe, he was turned down at every single recruiting station in the United States. Literally every single station.
Boomstick: So what did he do? He illegally bought a whole bunch of weapons and learned how to use them, then even more illegally went into Europe, where he slaughtered the shit out of a ton of Germans! And then earned medals for his bravery and his dedication to his country.
Wiz: ...Which, he gave to himself. Also, the year was 1949... which, incidentally, was four years after World War II ended... basically meaning that the Soldier had committed genocide, and was essentially a criminal of war.
Boomstick: And just like the good ol' apple pie stars n' stripes red hot buckshot land of the free country music 'Murican, The Soldier began to develop this hatred of Germans. Oh, and basically everything that isn't American. He's probably voting for Donald Trump.
Wiz: Joining the RED Team as a group of mercenaries at war with the villainous BLU Team, The Soldier filled an irreplaceable position. Charging into battle with his famous Rocket Launcher, little stands in his way as he plows through waves of mercs with little regard for anything else.
Boomstick: Because who needs it when you can just steamroll through everyone using your Rocket Launcher? This beauty can hold four rockets at a time, and just in case he runs out he can always just reload. Ah, there's no feeling better than wiping out fodder-tier mooks without having to feel regard for their lives.
Wiz: But strangely enough, if The Soldier is to find himself cornered, he can pull off a jumping move where he fires a rocket toward the ground, boosting himself from the recoil. While it is a risky move, as it can come at the price of his health, he can maneuver himself around the battlefield in only a few seconds using his Rocket Jump.
Boomstick: But sticking with the old American way, Soldier can also blow your head off with his famous 'Murican shotgun! Ah, the feeling of a loaded buckshot blowin' ya ta bits.
Wiz: However, just in case Soldier is forced into close-quarters combat, he can and will bash a head or two in with a shovel.
Boomstick: Yeah, it's a tool for throwing and sorting gravel. But hey, it can also take a head off and dig into your skin and bludgeon someone to death! So it's really far from useless if you ask me.
Wiz: Soldier has various other weapons he can use in order to change his abilities and effects. For example, he has other rocket launchers which do less damage to opponents, but allow him to pull off less dangerous Rocket Jumps. And a shotgun which shoots out laser beams rather than bullets.
Boomstick: However, when the going gets tough, Soldier's Critical Chance activates! This is sorta like his Super Saiyan form where he'll glow a bright red and triple his damage output! It's super brutal and basically spells doom for anyone who comes across it.
Wiz: But just in case someone gets the better of The Soldier, he carries around a strange medicine known as "Never-Die Pills". See, these basically make Soldier's... respawning... canon.
Boomstick: Damn. And if you think that's badass, he's fought off the BLU Team for many years, defeated robot mercenaries, and even held off Merasmus the Magician! He's also one of the few classes capable of utilizing both offense and defense, and is so good at war that he can quote Sun Tzu's The Art Of War by heart!
Wiz: Still, even taking this into mind, Soldier has at least two fatal flaws: While he may be an offensive and defensive powerhouse, he doesn't run very quickly. But perhaps even more crippling is his... overall lack of smarts.
Boomstick: Seriously, this guy is an idiot. He's fueled only by his love of war and hatred of anything not American, and usually shoots first and asks questions later. So anyone who is capable of actually thinking could likely out-think him and defeat him.
Wiz: But that means surviving an onslaught of rockets and buckshot. You better be ready if you're going to take on someone as powerful and renowned as The Soldier.
The Soldier: And since that day forward, every time a bunch of animals are put together, it's called a ZOO!
One of the Soldier's victim's decapitated head he was talking tofalls from the fence it was on.
The Soldier: UNLESS IT'S A FAAAAARM!
Jubilee[]
Wiz: Born as the daughter of two rich Chinese immigrants, the young girl Jubilation Lee, or "Jubilee" as she was more commonly referred to as, was born and raised drinking from the golden chalice and licking the silver spoon.
Boomstick: I mean, come on. She spent her childhood living in Beverly Hills, she went to private school. And she lived happily with her rich little life, until one day she was away from home, and her parents were shot and killed by hitmen. Y'know, like a superhero origin story!
Wiz: When Jubilation returned, she was placed in an orphanage, as she was still a child. Because the orphanage was poor and could hardly provide for her, Jubilee was forced to provide for herself by stealing from a local mall every day.
Boomstick: But of course, one day she got caught, and just as mall security were cornering her, she discovered her badass mutant power - fireworks!
Wiz: Jubilee found, that by channeling energy through her hands, she could fire bursts of light which would explode in a manner similar to fireworks on command. Frightened by her mutant power, mall security was so shocked that they allowed Jubilee to get away, now frightened of what she could possibly to do them.
Boomstick: And from there, Jubilee made a pretty good living off of putting on fireworks shows for people! Talk about reforming and finding a better way!
Wiz: Until a group of mutant hunters got tired of Jubilee's spiel and went after her. Jubilee put up a good fight, but found herself cornered - until being rescued by four X-Men. From there, she was taken to the X-Men base, where she became one of the newest members of the mutant crime-fighting team.
Boomstick: Then one day, Gambit was showing her the ropes when Wolverine came out and attacked him like he always does. And Jubilee, getting all defensive, straight-up knocked Wolverine out with a blast of her fireworks!
Wiz: However, Wolverine was rather impressed with her and her mutant powers. Deciding that she'd be a suitable sidekick, Wolverine took Jubilee under his wing and began training her in martial arts and use of her mutant powers. In no time, she became a dangerous and skilled fighter.
Boomstick: When Jubilee enters battle, you can expect her opponents to get a face full of fireworks! It's the most dangerous Fourth of July ever!
Wiz: Jubilee has some control over the power of her fireworks, going from simply blinding her opponents with light, to even blowing up large structures. Supposedly, she can even absorb the fireworks back into her body if she is to misfire.
Boomstick: These blasts move faster than even bullets, and can even reach supersonic speeds that the human eye could never track!
Wiz: According to Emma Frost, Jubilee's fireworks explode on a sub-molecular level. Which explains how they so easily melt through metallic structures. In addition, they also seem to have a destructive effect on electronics, causing them to malfunction and subsequently explode.
Boomstick: Take that, iPhone users!
Wiz: In fact, she can fill up a room with fireworks and take out a squadron of regular mooks, guards, or even Sentinels in quick succession.
Boomstick: But, that's not all Jubilee has to offer! She's strong enough to lift a bullet train off of the ground and throw it at a huge dragon, fast enough to blitz gunfire, and she can increase all that with special Wizard Technology!
Wiz: The Wizard's Wonder Glove increases her already formidable physical strength, and combined with the martial arts training she has received from Wolverine, she's a force to be reckoned with. In addition, the gloves can also project a force field that protects her body from most physical attacks, which makes up for her overall lack of durability feats.
Boomstick: Other technology she has allows her to defy gravity and fly at supersonic speeds, or even turn intangible if she needs a quick and immediate getaway!
Wiz: But one of Jubilee's lesser-known abilities is her psychic resistance. While it's not nearly at Wolverine's level, her mind is slippery and difficult to track. In order to sense Jubilee's mind, one has to know exactly what he or she is looking for.
Boomstick: So, not the best psychic resistance, but hey it's something.
Wiz: But to Jubilee's credit, she's taken down the M-Squad by herself, destroyed a tall building with her fireworks, she's been mentored by Wolverine, and most impressively, she once held off The Juggernaut for some time. Yes, that Juggernaut.
Boomstick: Likely an outlier, but... hey. It's something.
Wiz: And she's done that all... despite only being in her teens.
Boomstick: Damn. When I was that old, all I could shoot out was-
Wiz: -However, that also plays into possibly her greatest weakness. See, Jubilee overall suffers from a lack of experience thanks to her young age. As such, she can get rather reckless and is a bit of a show-off in battle. Which has led to her being defeated in combat more times than one could count.
Boomstick: But you gotta give it to the girl. You don't see someone who can blow your face off with hand fireworks every day of your life.
Jubilee shoots fireworks out of a plane while flying through the sky.
DEATH BATTLE![]
ParaGoomba348[]
Fourth of July Parade in the middle of a big American city, night-time
It was the Fourth of July in America. 'Twas the day where the American people would celebrate independence in various ways - eating apple pie and barbecue, wearing the American flag as clothing (no really that's a thing here in 'Murica), firing guns into the air, listening to patriotic music... and most of all, watching the parade and fireworks.
Various floats and groups of people paraded by in a glorious display of patriotism - the boy scouts marched in mismatched steps as they chanted some boy scout anthem off-key, young women dressed in extravagant American flag-themed dresses waved to onlookers on the sidewalk as they floated by in a generic white, rectangular float with an American flag on display. Three hot rods slowly drove by, one being a shiny crimson red, another being a glistening white, and the last being a cobalt blue.
Really, nothing could make this Fourth of July better.
But you know what? Anything could make it worse.
The next in line in the parade were the RED Team Mercenaries - The Heavy, The Pyro, The Spy, The Medic, The Sniper, The Scout, and The Engineer all lined the back - and leading the pack was the gung-ho American himself. Dressed in a red military jacket with brown sash decorated with grenades, and a gray-brown helmet which was clearly too large for him and covered his eyes, standing at average height but looking to have a clearly above-average physical build, The Soldier proudly strutted his American pride.
"Ten-hut! Hup! Two, three, four! Hup! Two, three four!" The Soldier chanted, marching in time with his chanting. The rest of the RED Team followed suit. Each of them were holding their weapons at their sides, pointing them upward.
Through the crowd, there was one face which seemed to stand out. This was a young girl who appeared to be in her late teens, and stood at an average height for a girl her age, about five feet four inches. She had this look of possibly a rebellious punk teenager, with short black hair which spiked upward. She was wearing a yellow rubber-like jacket with the X-Men symbol on a sleeve over a black jumpsuit, and on her forehead was a pair of red sunglasses. This girl was known by the name, Jubilee.
Jubilee watched the parade from behind a few onlookers, trying not to be conspicuous or precarious in her hiding place. After all, public places like this didn't necessarily take too kindly to mutantkind.
But why was she out here in the open, if she knew this? Well... Jubilee's a rebellious spirit. Being the teenage punk she was, she was used to sneaking out of places and getting herself into trouble. It's basically how she lived her teenage life.
And if the X-Men wanted her back that day, they'd have to go find her.
Back with the RED Team, The Soldier continued his chant.
"Hup! Two, three four! Hup! Two, three-" Suddenly, The Soldier stopped in his tracks, and the rest of the RED Team stopped as well. Soldier sniffed the air around him for a few seconds like a dog, nodding his head as he sniffed. Then, he muttered one word, filled with hatred and resentment.
"Mutant." Soldier spit out, his face twisting itself into a snarled scowl.
The Spy titled his head at the Soldier, giving a look of both intrigue and curiosity. "Just like what happened with Demoman?" asked the Spy.
Soldier nodded quickly, his military helmet flopping around as he nodded. "Yeah, just like that card-throwin' red-eyed smooth-talkin' mutant who killed my friend the Demoman!" The Soldier ranted. "I swear to God, if I see 'nother mutant, I'm gonna kick his ass and lock 'im up in a room where he'll starve to death and die!" At this point, the Soldier's face must have been boiling with his blood and wrath. "And I won't stop... 'til every last mutant is locked away and dead."
As the RED Team continued their march, Jubilee backed away from the street, her eyes and mouth widened from shock.
Mutant-phobia wasn't anything new to Jubilee - she dealt with people with an irrational hatred of mutants on a near-daily basis. It was just rare for her to hear anything about committing mass mutant-cide.
Suddenly, there was collective piercing scream coming from the crowd. Jubilee jumped in horror and shock as she turned her head to where she heard the desperate scream - it was on the other side of the street, where she caught glimpse of a man in a red military jacket and a brown helmet gripping an old man by the collar. This man had a white mustache and white hair on both sides of his head that stuck upward, and he wore sunglasses upon his wrinkled face. Judging by his green jacket and pants, he was clearly a janitor. And he looked absolutely horrified in front of the Soldier.
"Alright, mutant maggot! I'm gonna kick your ass!" The Soldier shouted in his old face, spitting in his face as he yelled. The janitor shivered with nervousness and fear - what else could he do? This man was trained and ready to kill at any time. And the old janitor? Well, he was just trained to clean up the blood stains from anyone the Soldier would kill.
All the way on the other side, Jubilee's eyes arched downward as she bared her fangs. "There's a time to stay hidden," she muttered, marching toward the Soldier as she shoved onlookers out of her way to approach him. "And then there's a time to fight!"
"I don't care how much money you make or how many times you've appeared in movies! We don't accept your kind in 'MURICA!" the Soldier shouted at the janitor.
"Hey, you let him go!" Jubilee shouted at the Soldier from behind, glaring at the Soldier as she stood in a defensive fighting stance. The crowd and parade all seemed to stop at once. The Soldier slowly turned around as he let the janitor free from his grasp, and then his face turned red with absolute hatred as he clenched his fists and growled at the mutant.
"Y'know... you remind me of someone... someone I don't like very much." The Soldier pointed out. "Yeah... I remember. The maggot with the cards. What's his name? Gamboozle? Gambandy? No - Gambit."
Jubilee's look of anger and determination slowly turned into a look of horror as she stepped back a little. She let out a soft gasp as she walked backward. "You know Gambit?"
The Soldier slowly paced toward Jubilee, pulling his rocket launcher from behind his back. "Oh, I do alright." Gripping the rocket launcher with both hands, he pulled the trigger while only a few feet away from the mutant. A small red rocket ejected from the huge weapon as it aimed right for Jubilee - and in a moment's notice, she extended both her hands as she fired out some yellow sparkles of light from her hands. The sparks and rocket collided in a small explosion of red and yellow light - like fireworks.
BOOM!
Jubilee fell down onto her rear as dust kicked up, clenching her eyes shut and covering her mouth to prevent herself from inhaling the smoke and dust. Soldier stumbled on his back as his rocket launcher was smoking from the blow.
When the dust cleared, much of the crowd had dispersed to get away from the battlefield. Soldier and Jubilee both got back up onto their feet as they exchanged glares. Soldier held his rocket launcher and aimed it toward Jubilee, and Jubilee's hands started to spark with more energy as she raised them up toward Soldier.
Things were about to get explosive.
FIGHT!
"Stand still, ya maggot!" Soldier shouted out with relish, pointing the barrel of his rocket launcher at the teenage mutant. With a loud booming sound, another rocket fired from the barrel of the heavy weapon. As if perfectly coordinated, Jubilee ducked and weaved to her right, dodging the line of the rocket's movement just in time.
Good move too, as just when the rocket hit the ground, a small explosion of dust and black pavement was formed from right behind Jubilee stood before dodging. As soon as the dust cleared, a small hole in the concrete being left in its place. Just as Jubilee got back up onto her feet, she stared in horror at the smoking hole left behind by Soldier's rocket launcher.
Then she turned her head toward The Soldier to see him aiming the rocket launcher directly at her again.
"I'm gonna keep firing until you're dead!" The Soldier yelled, saliva sputtering out like a shower. He pulled the trigger of his huge rocket launcher again, and this time Jubilee sprang up with both of her legs, just barely avoiding the rocket's collision with the ground.
Once more, a large smoking hole in the pavement was left in the place of where Jubilee had jumped. Upon landing back down on the ground, Jubilee turned her head toward the smoking hole...
"Oh thank goodness!" Jubilee muttered beneath her breath, breathing a sigh of relief.
Only being able to watch from the sidelines, the rest of the RED Team was beginning to question what was going on.
"Why Soldier's weapon loaded? We come here for parade! We don't load our weapons!" noted the Heavy, who was usually always one for battle.
The Medic looked down at the ground and mumbled something indistinct beneath his breath. "I don't know... I guess he's just doing what he does best."
"Kick her ass!" shouted the Scout, cupping his hands around his mouth to make his voice even louder.
Back on the battlefield, Soldier was still pointing his rocket launcher at Jubilee. He was ready to pull the trigger at any moment.
And he would not rest until Jubilee's insides were spilled all over the pavement.
"This one's for 'MURICA!" called the Soldier, continually pulling the trigger of his huge gun. Jubilee kept up her pace, continually ducking, weaving, and jumping to avoid the rockets. Within seconds, the street between Soldier and Jubilee had been reduced to a dusty mess as concrete and gravel had been spread out over the street. Jubilee's yellow jacket was covered in a gray-black dust, but fortunately she had remained completely unharmed.
Taking no time at all, Jubilee extended her arms toward the Soldier and flicked all of her fingers out toward his face as some yellow flashes of light emerged from her hands. The Soldier stumbled backward as he fell down onto his back as he could hardly see what was around him.
"Hey! Where'd ya go?! Who turned out the lights?!" shouted the Soldier, getting back up onto his feet. He weaved and bobbed his head around in an attempt to regain his vision, turning his body around. "Get back over here and fight me like a man!"
Jubilee sighed, but then gave a short and abrupt chuckle at Soldier's movements and mannerisms. Being the little troublemaker that she was, she wanted to know what Soldier would do next. After all, when your opponent is helpless and stupid, why not, right?
"There ya are." Soldier declared, his mouth turning into a scowl as he trudged forward...
...In the opposite direction of Jubilee.
"Soldier, what are you-?" The Spy could not even finish his sentence before Soldier grabbed him by the fancy French collar.
"Listen here, ya maggot," The Soldier began. "We don' like your kind 'round here."
The Spy exhaled with a bit of frustration, but managed to keep his composure because that's simply what he did. "Soldier, let me just tell you right now... the one you're looking for is actually behind you."
The Soldier's jaw dropped as he let go of the Spy, the suave Frenchman falling onto the ground. Suddenly, the Soldier began to see things again. Red, white, and blue lights were appearing all around, and Soldier then saw a shiny crimson truck with an American flag design on the door, with an American flag sticking out the back of it. It was moving at a slow parade pace, but it was approaching, nonetheless.
And the Soldier and Jubilee were directly in the way.
"Move out of the way!" Jubilee shouted at Soldier, firing a wave of yellow sparks from her hands at the Soldier from a diagonal angle to him.
"Wha-?!" before Soldier could react, that wave of sparks hit his side, and it all exploded in a yellow fireworks burst. Soldier yelled out as the explosion hurled him directly into the alleyway adjacent to the street, knocking him down onto his back. As soon as the explosion dispersed, Jubilee dashed toward the truck and leaped upward, doing a nimble front-flip over the hood of the truck, running into the dark alleyway with the Soldier.
Soldier groaned as he pushed down onto the ground, pulling himself back onto his feet. He looked at his hands, which were curiously moist from pushing the ground. His palms were covered in a black, wet dirt/mud material which smelled of mold.
But of course, this was nothing to the Soldier.
"Alright, you stupid redneck," slurred Jubilee, glaring at the Soldier as her hands lit up with a yellow glow, ready to shoot out some more fireworks. "I'm telling you. Back off now, or you'll really regret it."
"Not a chance in hell, mutant!" Soldier yelled out once more as he charged toward Jubilee with his rocket launcher poised for battle again. Jubilee shrugged and exhaled, then fired some more sparks from her fingertips at the ground beneath Soldier. An fireworks explosion burst from beneath the Soldier's feet, not really doing much damage to him, but the force launching him up into the air. The Soldier hurtled about in the air, but then he pointed his rocket launcher downward, aiming at Jubilee again. With just the exact timing he needed, the Soldier pulled the trigger of his heavy weapon with the barrel pointing at the fireworks mutant.
Just as before, Jubilee jumped to the side and rolled forward to position herself out of harm's way, with another hole in the concrete forming behind where she stood. Jubilee then looked up into the air where Soldier had been, only to see him standing on the rooftop of a shabby apartment complex, where he was looking down at Jubilee while holding his rocket launcher upward.
"I'll just take ya out from up here!" The Soldier tormented, pointing his rocket launcher downward at Jubilee again.
Jubilee then looked up at Soldier and gave him a confident grin, baring her fangs. "I'd like to see you try!"
Taking this as a threat, The Soldier huffed and pointed the rocket launcher down at Jubilee again, but before he could fire he stepped backward in awe as Jubilee leaped upward, grabbing hold of a window's ledge. Almost as soon as she grabbed hold of the ledge, she pulled herself upward with such a jolt that she flung herself up to the rooftop of the apartment complex, landing behind the Soldier with a grin on her face.
"Where in 'Murica did that mutant go?!" the Soldier boomed, spraying saliva from out of his mouth as he shouted. Suddenly, he felt a tap on the shoulder from behind, then turned his head to see Jubilee right behind him, face-to-face.
"Looking for me, stupid?" taunted Jubilee, reaching her arm backward and extending it forward, but stopping her fingertips before they could hit the Soldier's face. Before the Soldier could react or do anything about this predicament, Jubilee's hand sparked with a yellow glow once more - and suddenly, another fireworks explosion burst from between the Soldier's face and Jubilee's hand.
"Aaaaaahhhh!" the Soldier screamed out as he the fireworks explosion knocked him several feet away, all the way onto the rooftop of another apartment building which was only three other apartment buildings down. Luckily for Jane Doe, he had a pretty safe landing as he fell onto the rooftop of the apartment complex. He picked himself back up off of the ground, ignoring the large burn across his face left by Jubilee's fireworks, and then crouched down as he pointed the rocket launcher at Jubilee. "Alright, Sniper, I'm gonna take a page out of yer book! Even if it was written by AUSTRALIANS! Which is slightly better than MUTANTS!" shouted the Soldier.
Now, if Soldier had been just a little quieter, then Jubilee might not have been alerted to him aiming the rocket launcher at her. But because she would have been able to hear him a mile away with his booming and ear-piercing voice, she stood at the ready for Soldier's next attack.
"Die, mutant!" called Soldier, firing his rocket launcher at the mutant. The rocket flew past each of the three buildings between himself and Jubilee, and as if perfectly timed Jubilee ran toward the edge of the rooftop and sprang forward, barely landing on the edge of the next rooftop and rolling into it to reduce shock.
Behind her, the rocket she just barely dodged hit the rooftop of the building she was standing on - and with a loud "boom!", the rocket exploded on the rooftop, dispersing concrete, dust, and other pieces around the area, and the building caught flame just moments after. A collective scream could be heard from the apartment after catching fire, and its residents could all be seen running outside and screaming.
Jubilee turned behind her and gasped. She was left completely speechless at what the Soldier had done.
How could anyone do something like this? And just to stop one mutant? Jubilee thought to herself, turning back toward Soldier as she clenched her fists tight and glared. "Alright, now things just got serious!" Jubilee shouted, her face filling with anger as she jumped from the rooftop of the building she was standing on to the next one, then before Soldier could react she jumped to the next one as well - then faced the extreme American with her fists shut tight, and her death glare dead-set on the Soldier's eyes. Which were covered by his oversized military helmet, by the way. "Alright, you big idiot, you better back off, because-"
Before Jubilee could finish her sentence, Soldier grinned as he realized - Jubilee was placing herself right in front of the barrel of his huge weapon, and she didn't seem to realize it herself. And her monologue gave Soldier exactly the opening he needed.
"Gotcha." The Soldier boasted with a grin on his face. Jubilee shrieked as she suddenly realized the mistake she had made - and ended up taking a rocket to the midsection.
Jubilee's eyes widened as the rocket's explosion launched her toward the wall of the building behind her, and then she hit the brick wall with a loud "thud!". She then fell face-down onto the ground, cracking the pavement below her. Jubilee's face was heavily bruised and scraped from the impact, being a dark purple-and-red as pieces of black concrete were strewn about in her hair. With an agonized groan, Jubilee pushed down upon the concrete ground to pull herself back up onto her feet-
-When suddenly-
THUD!
Jubilee's eyes seemed to bulge from their sockets as she felt something blunt, tough, and wide hit her in the back of the head, pushing her further into the concrete. She let out a muffled scream as she tried to push herself back up, but couldn't resist the force pushing her down. Jubilee had to hold her breath in order to avoid breathing in the concrete dust, and had to clench her eyes shut in order to keep it out of her eyes. But then, she felt the force pushing her down let go, and just as she lifted her head up, she felt an iron grip tugging at her hair. Jubilee screamed out as her eyes began to roll back into her head, but then she caught glimpse of the Soldier pulling her by the hair with his right hand, pinning her down to the ground with his left foot.
"G-gaah!" Jubilee screamed out in pain, futilely struggling against the Soldier's pulling.
The Soldier leaned his face in toward Jubilee's, his mouth nearing her ear. A few seconds of silence passed by, but the overall sense of fear Jubilee had at the moment made these few seconds take forever. Then, the Soldier spoke.
"I'm doin' us all a huge favor." The Soldier boasted, spitting in Jubilee's face after finishing his sentence. Jubilee's eyes twitched as she tried closing them, but she simply couldn't due to Soldier pulling her hair back. After a few more seconds-
SLAM!
The Soldier raised his arm with Jubilee's hair in it, then slammed her face down into the ground. Jubilee screamed in pain as the Soldier slammed her. "I'm gonna take every mutant and shove 'em in a room!"
SLAM!
"Then I'm gonna beat the crap out of every single one!"
SLAM!
"And from that day forward every time a bunch of mutants are together in one place it's called a lab!"
SLAM!
"Unless it's-"
Before Soldier could finish his next sentence, Jubilee snarled and growled in anger and pain - then her hands began to light up with that same yellow glow - and then the pavement beneath her exploded in another burst of fireworks.
BOOM!
The force of the explosion was enough to knock the Soldier off of Jubilee, though with his tight grip, he had ripped out a lock of Jubilee's black wiry hair. Jubilee got back onto her feet, but then let out a subtle "ouch!" as she rubbed the back of her head. Getting a lot of hair ripped out at once hurts.
Taking advantage of Soldier's moment of vulnerability, Jubilee dashed toward the stumbling RED mercenary and then delivered a solid right hook into the Soldier's mouth. His face turned to the side as his eyes widened in pain and shock, and his mouth forcibly spit out no less than four teeth from the back of his head with blood trailing behind. The Soldier spun around once and fell face-first onto the ground, clearly dazed from the punch.
For a teenage girl, Jubilee could hit hard.
"Now, if you'll excuse me," Jubilee began. "I'm gonna go. And I don't want to see you around anymore, okay?!"
Jubilee scoffed and then exhaled deeply, then with her hands in her pockets strutted away from the site where she had left the Soldier on the ground. She figured he wouldn't be getting up from that anytime soon.
Still on the ground, the Soldier watched as Jubilee walked away. He could barely make out the figure of Jubilee walking away underneath the light of the red, white, and blue fireworks. "M-maggot... I need to get back my intelligence..."
After a few seconds, he couldn't see Jubilee anymore as she walked out toward the horizon, wherein was a lake which glimmered with the reflection of the moon and the fireworks. Suddenly, he heard a blaring siren coming from behind as the red, white, and blue lights grew more intense, especially with the flickering of the burning building behind him.
"SIR! I NEED YOU TO GET UP AND PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR IMMEDIATELY!" shouted a stern-sounding man from behind.
It was a police car. Someone had dialed 911.
The Soldier pushed up against the ground and pulled himself back up to his feet, facing the police officer behind him. He gulped as he put his hands in the air, his burned and bruised face being visible in front of the car's headlights.
The policeman in front of him was gripping onto a small handgun, pointing it at the Soldier with both hands on the handle. "I don't want to sue excessive force. Come with me immediately."
Right as the policeman finished his sentence, the Soldier reached behind his back and pulled out a shotgun, then aimed it at the policeman. "Sorry, but I've got a mutant to catch!" the Soldier defied, firing his shotgun. The buckshot hit the policeman in the stomach as he let out an agonized "oof!", and he slumped over to the ground as the Soldier shoved him aside, then jumped in through the front door of the police car, placing his hands on the steering wheel and driving off toward the lake where Jubilee had walked off to.
He was going to end this mutant's life once and for all.
The lake
Jubilee sat down upon a wooden dock, her feet dangling over the edge. She looked up at the sky, which would sometimes glow with a red, white, or blue thanks to the fireworks. After a few seconds of silence on her part (aside from the fireworks, of course), she sighed and looked down at the lake.
"Why do people have to hate mutants so much?!" she screamed out, her eyes beginning to well up with tears as she looked at her own rippling reflection in the water. "It's not fair! It's not our fault we're born the way we are!" she cried, tears flowing down her face. "Not all mutants want to hurt humans... not all of us want to take over the world..." she sniffled, wiping her face of with her hand. "Some people are just horrible human beings..."
After a few minutes of this, Jubilee saw the lake begin to glow with a bright yellow, sort of like her fireworks powers. She turned around to see a police car right behind her, the headlights beaming right in her eyes.
"Uh..." Jubilee found herself almost completely lost for words as the police car approached. Once the car was at most ten feet away from her, it stopped completely, high-beams still turned up. Jubilee would have had to shield her eyes from the brilliant light, but since she was so used to her own fireworks, it was a non-issue for her.
After a few seconds of staring blankly at the police car, the window rolled down - to reveal none other than the Soldier's burned and bruised face, grinning right at the mutant. He stuck his left arm out the window, holding a large spade in his hand in a position ready for battle.
The look on Jubilee's face could only be summed up with "Oh, crap." as she took a step backward, and her eyes widened and her jaw dropped.
The Soldier chuckled as he held up the shovel to the height of Jubilee's head. "I'm gonna bash your head right in, ya filthy mutant!"
Jubilee backed up a little once more, then the Soldier slammed the gas pedal as he rushed the police car toward Jubilee, ready to swing his shovel full-force as he wore that smug grin upon his face. In a flash, the car revved toward Jubilee with the Soldier's shovel being aimed right toward her head. He gave a mighty swing of his left arm just as he was passing by Jubilee-
-And she ducked her head just in time.
"Wait, no!" The Soldier's eyes widened as he realized what had happened. He saw the car racing toward the lake as he missed Jubilee's head. He desperately slammed the brakes, stopping the car just mere inches before the mouth of the lake. If he had been even a second late pressing the brake, he would have driven into the water in seconds. "Whew!" The Soldier gave a sigh of relief as he wiped sweat off of his forehead - but then he looked in the rear-view mirror above his head, and jumped back in his seat to see a wave of sparks flying out from behind.
Before he could get out of the car or even react beyond jumping backward, the sparks hit the back right tire, with a fireworks explosion tilting the car just enough to flip it into the lake. The Soldier screamed out as the car slowly submerged into the water beneath the moonlight, and after a few seconds some bubbles floated up from where the car had sunk.
"Whew!" Jubilee gave another sigh of relief. She put her hands in her pockets once more as she began to walk off.
...But it wasn't over just yet.
BOOM!
Jubilee turned around in shock as she saw a large explosion from the lake. Fire, water droplets, and metallic shrapnel flew out from all directions as a charred figure burst out of the water, leaving a trail of smoke behind him. He landed down onto the ground, facing Jubilee as he took a battle stance once more.
It was the Soldier, his body and clothing grayed from chars and wet from the water. He was breathing heavily and giving a frustrated scowl.
"That's it. I ain't lettin' ya get away from me this time. I'll kill all of ya! Damn mutants, ruining this country..." The Soldier rambled as his entire body began to glow with a red aura.
Jubilee gasped as she stepped backward. How can he still be alive after all this?
Soldier let out a battle cry as he dashed toward Jubilee, his rocket launcher in hand. He madly pulled the trigger many times in continuation, each time firing at Jubilee's general direction. Jubilee ducked underneath one rocket, then rolled out of the way of the next one, and then when the next one came by she fired out a wave of sparks to blow up that one with a fireworks burst.
But while she was focusing on that rocket, another one flew toward her right from under her nose - literally. Before Jubilee could react, that rocket hit her in the chin and blew up in her face, knocking her backward as she struggled to keep her balance. Her already bruised and battered face was now grayed from being singed, but fortunately she had managed to keep standing.
The Soldier aimed his rocket launcher at Jubilee once more, taking advantage of Jubilee's position. Then he pulled the trigger.
But to his dismay, nothing happened. The Soldier gasped as he realized.
He had run out of ammo.
The Soldier sighed, but then he threw the rocket launcher onto the ground. "Piece of crap rocket launcher! What good is a weapon that doesn't let you kill a mutant girl?!" He then pulled his shotgun from behind his back, then rushed toward Jubilee, pointing the barrel of his shotgun at her stomach. Jubilee nimbly sidestepped as the Soldier pulled the trigger of his gun, just barely avoiding the buckshot.
Just then, the Soldier tossed the shotgun down onto the ground as well, then he pulled his shovel from behind his back. "Alrighty then, this is the last straw!" shouted the Soldier, waving his shovel around. He swung the blunt edge shovel into Jubilee's head before she could react, with a metallic "clang!" clearly audible as it struck. Dazed, Jubilee swayed while standing upright, as if there were stars circling her head.
Then, Jubilee noticed Soldier about to swing his shovel again.
"Oh no you don't," Jubilee boasted, reaching into her back pocket. She pulled out a pair of gray-blue gloves and slid them onto her hands, shaping them into fists. Jubilee had one shot at this, and you bet your ass she was going to make the best of it.
Soldier let out another battle cry as he swung his shovel downward in a crushing motion at Jubilee, but the X-Man leaped up into the air above Soldier and his shovel, then delivered a kick to the back of his head while still in midair. The Soldier stumbled forward, then gasped as he noticed that he couldn't even track Jubilee's movements that time. Soldier turned around and attempted to swing his shovel horizontally, but once again Jubilee jumped over his shovel attack.
"Missed me!" Jubilee taunted. Soldier yelled out once more as his red aura glowed even brighter than before, and then he swung downward in a diagonal motion. Jubilee then delivered a roundhouse kick with her right leg, the sheer force of the kick being enough to break the shovel in two.
The Soldier gazed in horror, completely speechless.
Jubilee grinned as she grabbed the Soldier by the arm, then hurled him skyward, to the point where he could hardly even be seen from the ground.
"I'm gonna kill you from above ya filthy mutant!" shouted the Soldier, his voice being just as loud and boisterous as ever.
Jubilee scoffed as she raised her hands to the air. "Yeah, right." Jubilee chuckled as she extended her right arm into the air, sending a wave of fireworks upward toward the Soldier. She then extended her left arm upward, sending fireworks from her left arm upward. Jubilee alternated between the two arms eight more times, then she put her hands into her pockets as she looked up into the air. "Wait for it..."
BOOM!
BOOM!
BOOM!
BOOM!
BOOM!
BOOM!
BOOM!
BOOM!
All eight fireworks exploded upon the Soldier's position. Though the fireworks maintained their iconic yellow glow, they also carried a tint of red to them.
Jubilee sighed as she looked up at her little fireworks show, then slowly began to walk off, her hands still in her pockets.
"Maybe I should have stayed. But at least there's one more closed-minded freak gone..."
Suddenly, the Soldier's dismembered, bloody, burned head landed down on the ground in front of Jubilee. Jubilee's eyes widened in disgust as she slowly tried walking away.
"Hey! Mutant!" The Soldier's dismembered head shouted. Jubilee jumped back in horror. Her stomach turned over in disgust and fear as she could feel herself beginning to feel ill. "Yeah, that's right! At least I still have my head! I'll have you know, I have some 'never-die' pills, so I ain't dyin' yet! I'll find some way to kill ya, even if I'm just a head-!"
Before Soldier could even finish his sentence, Jubilee disgustedly stomped down upon the Soldier's dismembered head, crushing his skull and splattering blood, brain matter, and bone matter around the dirt preceding the lake. Jubilee closed her eyes and cringed at what she had done, but then she walked off with a shudder.
She had won the battle, but that was going to give her nightmares forever.
Back on the parade street
The remaining members of the RED Team looked up at the sky from the lake's position, seeing the yellow-red fireworks.
"Think Soldier will return?" asked the Heavy, scratching his head.
The Medic sighed. "We can only hope..."
Of course, they would be in for a horrendous surprise when they did find out.
K.O.!
Results[]
Boomstick: Wait, wait, WHAT?! You mean to tell me that Jubilee, the weak member of the X-Men, just won a battle?!
Wiz: Surprisingly enough... yes. While The Soldier is far more experienced than Jubilee as far as combat goes, and has an arsenal capable of putting Jubilee on her toes, what advantages Jubilee has going for her simply outdo Soldier by a mile.
Boomstick: Eh... explain.
Wiz: For example, the Soldier is the second-slowest class in Team Fortress 2, only behind the sluggish Heavy. Jubilee, on the other hand, is an Olympic-level acrobat and gymnast, she can dodge bullets and lasers with ease, and she can move faster than the eye can track - and this is without her Wizard Technology which increases her speed even more. So the chances of Soldier even hitting Jubilee are minimal at best to absolutely impossible at worst.
Boomstick: Soldier has a shovel that he can bash people with? That's cute. Jubilee can lift and throw a bullet train at a huge dragon! ...Y'know... WITHOUT the Wizard Wonder Gloves that increase her strength even more. Combined with training from Wolverine, Jubilee outclassed Soldier in physical combat pretty damn hard.
Wiz: And one cannot deny the sheer utility and power of Jubilee's fireworks. Not only do they explode on a molecular level and move faster than the eye can track, they can also be used to blind and stun opponents with weak blasts, but with strong ones? It's enough to destroy buildings. Which is quite a bit more than anything Soldier is used to fighting.
Boomstick: Soldier's best bet was his Critical Chance, but since it activates completely randomly, and there's no guarantee that he'd even still be alive by then, it can't really factor into the outcome. Plus, this is the same girl who lives her life taking down huge Sentinels and other crazy shit the X-Men fight all the time. It's kinda what she's all about, really. Even if she loses a ton of her battles.
Wiz: To be fair, Jubilee loses her battles because of her lack of experience and the fact that sometimes she doesn't make rash decisions. While Jubilee is childish, yes, the Soldier is... well, he's basically, for lack of a better term, batshit crazy.
Boomstick: I guess we can just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Wiz: The winner is Jubilee.
Comparison[]
The Soldier[]
- +More experienced fighter
- +Possibly more durable
- +Has a wider arsenal?
- +Critical Chance is his best bet
- -Weaker
- -Much slower
- -Crazy
- -Simply could not survive Jubilee's most powerful attacks
Jubilee[]
- +Stronger
- +Faster
- +Better mindset for battle
- +Far superior destructive capability
- +Fireworks are incredibly useful
- +More skilled martial artist
- -Generally less experienced fighter
- -Lack of durability feats