| The Car vs. Christine | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Season 7, Episode 12 | |
| Air date | November 10, 2022 |
| Written by | I'm Lynda |
| Episode guide | |
| Previous Gallaxhar vs. Megamind |
Next Miraculous Villain Season One-A Battle Royale |
The Car vs. Christine is a What-If? Death Battle by I'm Lynda. It features the Car from the 1977 movie of the same name, and Christine from the American novelist, Stephen King.
Description[]
It’s car versus car, with no driver needed or wanted!
Interlude[]
Boomstick: Ah, the American love affair with the automobile...even when it’s a demon-possessed, psycho murder-machine. Today, we bring together two of these very special autos.
Wiz: The first one is known simply as “the Car,” from the 1977 American movie of the same name.
Boomstick: And the other is the lovely Chsitine, from the American horror novelist, Stephen King.
Wiz: I’m Wiz, and he’s Boomstick.
Boomstick: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
The Car[]
(Cue: The Pretty Reckless - Going To Hell)
Wiz: No one really knows where the Car came from, or who created it or why.
Boomstick: It simply showed up one day, in a sleepy little town in Utah, and began running down bicyclists and hitchhikers.
Wiz: The local sheriff’s department tends to take a dim view of such activities, and when the sheriff himself, Everett Peck, was run over and killed, the deputies leaped into action.
Boomstick: Chief Deputy Wade Parent began investigating the crime, and was shocked to be told that the car had no driver in it. Being rather fearful of what this might mean, he decided to cancel all public events.
Wiz: Unfortunately, his girlfriend, a local school teacher, figured that a marching band rehearsal did not really count as a public event, so she went ahead with it.
Boomstick: Well, Murphy's Law teaches us that, "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong." So, of course, the Car picked that very moment to roll into town.
Wiz: The Car chased the kids and a few teachers into a local cemetery, where it seemed to be reluctant to enter. Wade’s girlfriend, Lauren taunted the Car, and in a fit of pique it destroyed the cemetery’s gate. Then, when it heard the sound of approaching sirens, it drove off to confront the police.
Boomstick: The car took on the local police, and succeeded in killing five deputies and destroying their cars. Good old Wade, confronted the Car, and emptied his service revolver into it. He was surprised to find that his bullets had not even scratched the car’s paint, or damaged its tires!
Wiz: When Wade tried to get into the Car, he was further surprised to find that it had no door handles. Worse, the door seemed to open by itself and knocked him unconscious, sending him to the hospital.
Boomstick: The Car had not forgotten, nor forgiven, the tongue-lashing that Lauren had given it, and later that night, it drove through her kitchen wall, and squashed her like a bug. Wade was upset, but he was even more upset when the Car showed up in his garage and tried to kill him as well.
Wiz: One of the remaining deputies suggested that the Car did not enter the cemetery earlier, because it was “hallowed ground.” Well, regardless, Wade decided that the way to deal with the car was to lure it into a canyon, and use a controlled explosion to bury it under many tons of rubble.
Boomstick: The plan worked like a charm, but Wade was shocked to see a demonic visage in the smoke and flames of the explosion. He was so shocked, in fact, that he refused to believe it.
Wiz: Was that the end of the Car? Well, during the closing credits, we see the Car prowling the streets of downtown Los Angeles, apparently looking for more prey.
Boomstick: Now, is the Car a demon in the form of a car? I don’t know, and in the absence of any evidence supporting that idea, we’ll have to assume that it’s not.
Wiz: What the Car is, is a modified black 1971 Lincoln Continental Mark III coupe.
Boomstick: That was a honey of a car. The engine in that baby was an aspirated petrol, 460 cubic inch / 7.5 liter, overhead valve 90 degree V-8 cylinder with 2 valves per cylinder. It developed 365 brake horse power at 4,600 revolutions per minute, and a maximum torque of 500 pound-foot at 2,800 rpm. The car came stock with a 3-speed automatic transmission. The engine transfers its power through to the wheels via a 3 speed automatic gearbox, and its maximum stated speed is 131 miles per hour or 211 kilometers per hour
Wiz: Further that car’s quoted curb weight is 4,866 pounds or 2,207 kilograms, and it has a wheelbase of 117.2 inches or 2,966 millimeters. It can go from 0 to 60 in 7.9 seconds.
Boomstick: Like I said, that was a HONEY of a car!
Wiz: Overall, the Car does not seem to have much in the way of powers. It doesn’t fly, or drive up vertical surfaces. It’s reasonably fast and nimble, but it does not seem to be any more so than your normal, run-of-the-mill ’71 Lincoln Continental Mark III. It also seems to stick to roads, suggesting that its off-road capabilities are no better than a stock Mark III.
Boomstick: What it does have up its sleeve is that it seems to be practically indestructible. It has been seen to take gunfire, without suffering any damage to its tires or windshield, or even showing a scratch in the body paint.
Wiz: It beat itself against a cliff-wall, trying to dislodge Deputy Parent, without taking any damage. And, it took a high-speed turn, so as to set itself rolling, to destroy two approaching police cars. How it righted itself is anyone’s guess, but when it did, it again did not show the slightest hint of damage.
Boomstick: A cool addition to the Car is an after-market horn that sounds like it came off of a train. That thing is so loud that it could be heard at long distances, and it even was loud enough to shatter windows! I wonder where I can buy one of those.
Wiz: So, the Car is a fascinating automobile. It’s powerful and nearly indestructible.
Boomstick: And, it looks incredibly bad-ass. This would be a cool car to see...unless it’s coming down the road, aimed at you!
Christine[]
(Cue: Marilyn Manson - Tainted Love)
Wiz: Christine was born in Detroit, in 1957, at the Chrysler Corporation assembly plant. At the moment of her creation, she stood out from the other cars. At that time the Plymouth Fury came in a standard “sandstone white,” while Christine was "toreador red" with an "iceberg white" top, showing that she was a custom-ordered automobile.
Boomstick: She was a beautiful bombshell of a car, one that was sure to set your heart racing.
Wiz: But, Christine already had a mind of her own. While still on the line, a Chrysler employee was inspecting her front end, and incautiously put his hand under her open hood. The hood slammed down, crushing the unwanted appendage, and sending the employee to the hospital.
Boomstick: Worse, another employee climbed into Christine, turned on her radio, and smoked a cigar, casually dropping ash onto the front seat. When the line closed for the day, the line supervisor noticed the music coming from the car, and opened the door, only to find the employee dead.
Wiz: The man who had ordered this custom Fury was named Roland LeBay. It seems that Roland never had much luck with the car, after all his daughter chocked to death in the car, and his wife committed suicide in it. But, still, he loved the car, and kept it until he also committed suicide in it.
Boomstick: By that time, the car was in a poor state of repair, and Roland’s brother, George decided to sell it, or more truthfully get rid of it. He sold the car to Arnold "Arnie" Cunningham, an awkward and unpopular teenager from Rockbridge, California. Arnie then took the car to a do-it-yourself garage, and began to recondition the car.
Wiz: But, while Arnie was working on Christine, she was working on him. His eyesight got miraculously better, his acne cleared up, and he began to dress like a 1950s Greaser.
Boomstick: He also got in a confrontation with school bully, Buddy Repperton, which results in Buddy being expelled. To get revenge, Buddy and his gang of friends took revenge in Arnie by horribly vandalizing Christine. Arnie was devastated by the attack, but was shocked when he watched Christine restore herself, back to original condition. Well, Christine was not about to let that slight go unpunished, and she began to seek out and kill the gang members.
Wiz: Arnie’s girlfriend, Leigh Cabot, and his best friend, Dennis Guilder, realized that there was something supernaturally evil about Christine, and they set out to destroy her, using a bulldozer. Christine, with Arnie at the wheel, tried to escape the trap, but her attempt resulted in Arnie’s being thrown from the car, and killed. Christine played a suitable “goodbye” song on her radio.
Boomstick: Leigh and Dennis then used the bulldozer to smash Christine, and used a car crusher to smash her down into a little cube. But, was that the end of Christine? Nope, when you looked close, you caould see that she was trying to put herself back into shape again!
Wiz: Now, Christine was a custom-ordered car, but was she particularly different that any other 1958 Plymouth Fury? The tagline says, "Body by Plymouth, Soul by Satan," but is the car truly a demon in the form of a car? Again, in the absence of any evidence supporting that idea, we’ll have to assume that it’s not.
Boomstick: Well, she may not be a demon, but she is a BEAUTY! She was born at the height of the American auto industry’s dominance, when the best of the best of the best came out of Detroit. The engine in that baby was a Chrysler Plymouth V-8 318, which was a spark-ignition 4-stroke gasoline engine with 2 carburetors that were naturally aspirated, and with 2 valves per cylinder. It had a displacement of 317.6 cubic inches or 5205 cubic centimeters. It developed 225 brake horse power at 4,400 revolutions per minute, and a maximum torque of 330 pound-foot at 2,800 rpm. The engine transfers its power through to the wheels via a 3 speed manual gearbox, and its maximum stated speed is 88 miles per hour or 141 kilometers per hour.
Wiz: Further that car’s quoted curb weight is 3,510 pounds or 1590 kilograms, and it has a wheelbase of 117 inches or 2,997 millimeters. It can go from 0 to 60 in 16.7 seconds.
Boomstick: All that in a sweet, red candy-coating make this a car that you just want to eat up!
Wiz: She a bit of a devil, but she doesn’t have any super-powers to bring to the table. She can’t fly or drive up vertical surfaces, and she does not have any weapons or bulletproof glass.
Boomstick: But, she does have one ace up her sleeve.
Intermission[]
Wiz: Alright the combatants are set; let’s end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: It's time for a DEATH BATTLE!
DEATH BATTLE![]
Pre-Fight []
(QUE - Chuck Berry - No Particular Place To Go)
Arnold Cunningham walked up the checkout counter, and dropped the bottle of whiskey on it. The young man behind the counter looked down at the bottle, and then back at Arnie.
“Um,” he said uncertainly, “I’m going to have to see some I.D. for this.”
Arnie’s eyes narrowed dangerously, making the young clerk squirm uncomfortably. Then, he leaned forward, and said, “Listen, you can sell me the whiskey, or it can become a part of your gums. The choice is yours.”
Then, he tossed the cost of the bottle on the counter, and glared at the clerk.
The clerk squirmed a bit, sighed, and then took the money and put it in the cash register.
Arnie smiled triumphantly, and then swept the bottle off of the counter. He swaggered out the door and into the night.
He stepped off the curb and onto the street. As he walked, he peeled the foil wrap from the cap. He was very pleased with himself; things were getting better and better.
Suddenly, he heard the sound of a car accelerating up the street. He turned and saw a pair of headlights barreling straight towards him.
He frozen momentarily, and only dived out of the way at the last moment.
He rolled to a stop in the gutter, and looked at the black car speeding away. He tried to think of something to yell at the drive, but then his mind shockingly registered that the car appeared to have no driver to yell at!
The brake lights of the Car flashed on, and it skidded to a stop in a 90-degree turn. The Car then reversed, and turned back toward Arnie.
The engine gunned, and the Car moved as if it was eager to charge back at him again.
Arnie leaped to his feet, and ran across the street.
The Car shot forward like a bullet from a gun.
“Christine!” he yelled in panic.
FIGHT! []
Suddenly, Christine burst out of an alley and turned. She sideswiped the Car, sending it hurtling into a line of parked cars. There was a mighty crash and the sound of tinkling glass as the parked cars buckled under the impact.
Christine shot up the street, and her wheels locked up, bringing her to a stop right next to Arnie. Her passenger door flew open, beckoning him inside. Arnie leaped in. Christine’s radio squealed and then music of Jan and Dean began to play.
(QUE - Jan & Dean - Little Old Lady From Pasadena)
The Car reversed from the destruction, and then leaped into drive. Its tires squealed as it took off.
Christine’s gearshift slammed into drive, and her tires smoked as they spun on the concrete. Then, she shot off down the street, with the Car in hot pursuit.
Back at the liquor store, the clerk looked out the window with his mouth hanging open. His head turned as Christine flashed past, and then it turned again as the Car flew by in the same direction.
The two cars roared through the small town.
The Car moved to pass on the right, but Christine swerved, cutting off its opening. Then the Car skewed to the left, but again Christine moved to cut it off.
Reaching an intersection, the Car accelerated, and moved to Christine’s right. Christine moved over violently, shoving the Car into a group of garbage cans. There was a loud crash, and garbage flew though the air.
But the Car stayed stuck to Christine’s side. The two cars roared down the street, side-by-side.
They practically flew up street. When they got to an intersection, Christine shoved the Car to the side, and it took out a traffic light without even slowing down.
Up the street the two cars howled, bumping and shoving each other.
Arriving at the parking lot of a car dealership, Christine turned 90 degrees, and flew up one of the lot’s aisles. The Car turned to follow, and shadowed Christine on the next aisle.
Christine came to a gap in the line of cars, and she again spun 90 degrees and flew through the gap.
The Car roared down to the end of its aisle, and spun, taking off in hot pursuit of the other car.
Christine raced along, aimed at a narrow alley. Arnie realized that the alley was actually too narrow for the aging Fury.
“Christine, look out!” he yelled, but Christine didn’t even slow down.
(QUE - Little Richard – Tutti Frutti)
The Plymouth flew into the mouth of the alley, and instantly stopped with a tremendous crash. Arnie bounced off of the steering wheel and collapsed on the car’s bench seat.
Christine’s gearshift moved to Low, and the wheels screamed as she tried to force herself forward through the alley
Suddenly, there was another enormous crash as the Car piled into Christine, destroying her trunk, and shoving her farther into the alley.
Then, the Car backed up, stopped, and revved its engine. It shot forward again, colliding with the back end of Christine and shoving her the rest of the way into the alley.
Christine’s wheels continued to squeal as she pulled herself forward inch-by-inch. The sound of squealing tires and crouching metal filled the night.
The Car reversed again, and threw itself at the opening of the alley. It bounced off of the brickwork, stopping with a bone-crunching suddenness.
Seeing Christine moving forward, and ever farther from its reach, the Car continued backing up and throwing itself at the mouth of the alley. Pieces of brick fell with each hit, but the Car could make no progress.
Suddenly, Christine pulled herself out of the far end of the alley, and she rolled away into the night. Back behind her, the horn of the Car screamed out its frustration.
(QUE - James Brown-Please, Please, Please)
Arnie sat up, and quickly looked out the back window. Then, he turned looking left and right for the pursuing car.
As Christine drove out of town, Arnie laughed.
“Christine, you are the best!” he yelled, grinning and caressing her dashboard.
As the car rolled along, the crumpled fenders smoothed themselves out, the broken side-view mirror flashed back into existence, and the mangled trunk stretched out into its original shape.
As they rolled out, through the desert, Arnie suddenly felt Christine begin to accelerate. He looked into the rearview mirror and his face fell. There was a pair of headlights coming up from behind, and catching them quickly!
(CUE - Jackie Brenston & His Delta Cats – Rocket 88)
The Car caught up to Christine, just as the Plymouth Fury was climbing a hill. Christine’s gas petal was locked to the floor, as the cars crested the top of the hill.
The road turned suddenly to the right, and Christine moved to block the Car from passing.
The Car slid to the side, and it shrieked as the fenders rubbed along the length of the guard rail. The Car fell back, and then came on, ramming into Christine’s back bumper.
“Jesus!” Arnie yelled inside the car. His hands were locked onto the steering wheel, but he clearly knew that it was Christine that was doing the steering, and not him.
The two cars reached the bottom of the hill, and then roared off onto a straight away.
Christine bobbed and weaved, attempting to hold the Car behind her. Finally, when the Car made a particularly bold move, Christine shoved the Car off of the concrete, and onto the shoulder.
The Car fishtailed, and then spun, finally coming to a stop among the scrubby grass on the side of the road. The Car’s horn screamed, as Christine shot off into the night.
(CUE - Wanda Jackson – Let’s Have A Party)
Arnie looked back out the back window, and laughed long and hard.
“Christine, no car can compare to you,” he said.
Then, he opened the whiskey bottle, opened it, and took a drink.
He leaned back lazily in his seat, and looked again into the rearview mirror. It was empty.
Arnie laughed to himself and took another drink.
Wait! Were those headlights coming up behind him? Yes, it was.
“Shit!” Arnie exclaimed, his eyes locked on the mirror.
They reached another hill, and Christine began the climb, her speedometer showing her speed slowing.
The headlights came closer and closer, and finally Arnie could hear the sound of the Car’s horn.
The Car moved to pass Christine on the left, but she moved to cut it off. The Car then slewed to the right and tried to pass there, but Christine again cut it off again. The two cars swerved left and right as they climbed the hill.
Sweat beaded on Arnie’s forehead as he felt Christine’s engine roar, as she struggled to stay ahead of the other, obviously faster car.
Finally, the Car was able to shove itself in, along Christine’s side. Christine kept pulling to the side, bashing at the Car, and trying to force it back. The sound of metal being hammered echoed and re-echoed through the desert night.
Suddenly, the Car shot forward, and in front of Christine. The two cars resumed their slaloming, as Christine tried to regain her front position.
Then, the Car sounded its ear-shattering horn, and shot forward into the night, and around a curve.
Arnie couldn’t believe his eyes, the Car was gone! He laughed out loud again, and grabbed the whiskey bottle again. He lifted it to lips and took a long pull of the liquid gold.
Now on the downhill slope of the hill, Christine rounded a corner, and there was a pair of headlights coming straight at her.
Arnie barely had time to scream before the two cars collided.
Christine was thrown to the left, over a guardrail and into the night. She landed among some large boulders, which flipped her over, sending her rolling down the hill. Metal screamed and tore, glass broke, and Arnie was thrown out into the darkness.
Finally, Christine came to a stop, smashed and broken. A particularly large boulder lay beneath Christine’s middle, showing that her chassis was severly bent. Her lights flickered and died, and her radio went silent.
K.O.! []
In the darkness, Arnie’s voice could be heard
“Christine,” he called out weakly.
Christine’s radio came back on weakly.
(CUE: Jody Reynolds - Endless Sleep)
Overhead could be heard the loud screech of the Car’s horn, sound triumphantly in the night.
Then, the Car’s wheels squealed as it turned and shot off, heading back towards the town.
Results[]
Boomstick: Whiskey, drag races and car crashes...it reminds me of my twenties...not that I remember those years very clearly.
Wiz: Unfortunately, I don’t think that Arnie is going to remember this night either. Both of these supernatural cars are pretty much unkillable, so to a certain extent it never could be a battle to the death between them.
Boomstick: So, instead Arnie became something of a football between them; something that they could fight over. If Christine could come out on top then Arnie would live, but if the Car would triumph then Arnie would be roadkill. And that’s what happened.
Wiz: As I said, both cars were unkillable, but their powers were very different. Christine could repair any damage, no matter how extensive, but the more extensive the damage the longer it took.
Boomstick: The Car, on the other hand, was basically invulnerable to damage. It crashed into things and other cars, without getting a scratch. It took bullets to the windows and tires, usually the more vulnerable items on a car, without suffering any noticeable damage at all.
Wiz: Now, it is possible that either or both of the cars had access to some supernatural speed, but neither was shown to actually do that, instead they seemingly drove as normal cars.
Boomstick: And, if they were normal cars, a 1971 Lincoln Continental Mark III and a 1957 Plymouth Fury, the 1971 Continental would have clearly been the faster car. This meant that not only could Christine not escape the Car, but she could not out-damage it.
Wiz: She did have the trick, where she could squeeze into a slightly smaller space by willingly accepting the damage, but this was not enough to give her a decisive edge over the Car.
Boomstick: No Christine was foolish to Buick a fight with the Car, he was a Chevy hitter and went for the Jaguar. She could ill a-Ford the fight, and was pounded Fiat.
Wiz: The winner is, the Car.
Boomstick: Beep! Beep!
Next Time[]
Next time on Death Battle! we begin a massive 26 combatant war to find out which is the meanest, toughest, most combat effective villain in Season One of the famous show, Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug and Cat Noir! Check out Miraculous Villain Season One-A Battle Royale!