Kirby Superstar Vs Super Mario!
Intro[]
Wiz: Tac, the kleptomaniac kitty who plunders Dream Land.
Boomstick: Nabbit, the rabbit robber who pillages the Mushroom Kingdom.
Wiz: The Japanese god of fortune, Daikokuten, is always depicted holding a large sack of goodies, free for distribution.
Boomstick: But if you're journeying through your fantasy Nintendo world, collecting your power-ups and treasures, and come across one of these sack-wielding pests... consider yourself very unfortunate. He's Wiz, and I'm Boomstick.
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armour, and skills, to find out who would win... a Death Battle!
Tac[]
Wiz: The planet Popstar is a hub for many alien species from across the Gamble Galaxy. While one could hardly call it a land of peace, it is at heart kind, inviting, and under the protection of the cute and cuddly Star Warrior Kirby.
Boomstick: Don’t call him cute and cuddly, Wiz. Kirby is a nightmare marshmallow who will lay waste to entire worlds and slaughter gods over a piece of Strawberry shortcake. The innocent lives of non-combatant Waddle Dees mean nothing to him. And what’s more, should he hunger, he will suck you into an infinite void, a separate dimension in his belly from which he will remove, absorb, and manifest the very essence of your soul for his own use. And a cool hat.
Wiz: Wow, you’re this dark already? I guess I should have bought a new coffee maker before I disassembled our current one.
Boomstick: Kirby has stolen over 50 such copy abilities in his various journeys, and is quite skilled at using them creatively. And he’s mowed through hundreds of various enemies to get there. But of course, to curb Kirb’s reliance on these stolen powers, is one particularly crafty sonofabitch who is capable of stealing these abilities right back.
Wiz: Enter… Tac. It’s cat, spelled backwards. Because instead of you stealing from him, he steals from you.
Boomstick: Kirby games are… not the best with names.
Wiz: Very little is known about these elusive ninja cats. Even the name of their planet is unknown, and is simply referred to as Planet ???. What we do know, is that this planet is a foreboding hellscape filled with explosions and death, and that survival can be earned only by the fittest.
Boomsticks: Tacs will attack in the heat of the battle, while their prey is distracted by fighting off others. They are masters at blending into the shadows, and can camouflage instantly on the spot to keep out of all harm’s way. Then, with a swipe of their freaky little Rayman hands, they will make a quick steal and then book it the fuck out of there with their hidden rocket boots.
Wiz: Tac is capable of combat, but perhaps wisely knows it's best not to take on the likes of Kirby in a direct confrontation. Instead, he will try to use his speed to get away, which is impressive considering that Kirby casually travels interstellar distances on a regular basis. But what does Kirby have that Tac could even want?
Boomstick: …Souls…
(Cutaway, with Wiz in front of a whiteboard)
Wiz: All right, a bit of Kirby lore. When Kirby swallows an enemy, he can separate from them their “copy essence”, isolating any unique or special abilities from the foe’s physical body. He can then absorb this essence into his own being, almost like any digestive system would absorb nutrients or protein from food. Except in this case, Kirby gains the ability to breathe fire from snacking on flaming foes, or acrobatic tricks from more nimble ones.
Boomstick: You almost have a solid biology argument there, but how the hell does he make the swords and hats?
Wiz: Taking too much damage, however, can separate the essence from Kirby’s body. And what Tac is capable of doing, is simply reaching out and snatching it from him as if it were tangible matter.
(Wiz snatches out with his arm, and is now holding a glowing star with a beer can picture inside. Boomstick’s drunken hillbilly look completely vanishes; he now looks like an incredibly average, if not slightly overweight, man wearing a buttoned-up flannel shirt, though the shotgun leg still remains.)
Boomstick: Woah, what the FUCK?
(Wiz tosses the star, which begins to bounce around while Boomstick chases after it.)
Wiz: Tac, like Kirby, is able to separate essence from body. Supporting this, if Kirby manages to swallow Tac, the essence he gets from him is in fact, the ability to perceive and steal the essence of others on sight. Similar to Kirby’s own natural abilities, only he does not need to consume targets to get them.
(Boomstick finally catches his star, and with a flash, turns “normal” again, instantly letting out a satisfied burp).
(End cutaway)
Boomstick: If that’s not all, Tac is aware that Kirby can sway others to his side with his most formidable power: the power of friendship. And the answer to that is to simply kidnap Kirby’s allies and shove THEM in the bag. That’s right, he can steal friends. Is there no low this kitty won’t sink to?
Wiz: This includes the likes of Bonkers and Bugzy, two mini-bosses who are comparable to Iron Mam, who is capable of cracking Planet Popstar in half with a single blow. Tac’s own charged punches might not be quite the same in power, but they are capable of destroying pure crystal boulders.
Boomstick: But not to worry; the hero always wins, and Kirby did succeed in befriending the klepto kitty into helping him as well. That seems to have gotten him off his trail for the time being, but we all know Tac is still out there, hiding in the shadows, keeping his eye on his next prize, waiting for the time to strike. Nothing is safe from this cat burglar. Not even your soul.
(Tac defeats Wham Bam Jewel with a charged punch, causing the triclops to scream and explode)
Nabbit[]
Wiz: The conflict for the Mushroom Kingdom has been waged for over forty years. The heroic forces of Princess Peach and her protector Mario have time and time again thwarted the dastardly Koopa King Bowser and his army, yet he keeps coming back for more, bigger and badder. The battles have even spilled into other realms as the arms race continues to escalate.
Boomstick: Power-ups are left abandoned in the wilderness. Gold litters the grasslands. There’s so much stuff out there, just ripe for the scavengers to come in and salvage what they can to survive. This is the reality of war. This is the somber lifestyle… of a cute cartoon bunny who’s really just a total dick.
Bugs Bunny: Eh… what’s up, Doctor Mario?
Boomstick: No, not him.
Wiz: This is Nabbit, one of the Mushroom Kingdom’s most notorious thieves. Coming with being a professional on the run, most of his past is shrouded in mystery, including whether or not he’s an individual, or one of a whole species of Nabbit, like Yoshi.
Boomstick: You’re looking too much into it, Wiz. He is a rabbit, who nabs stuff. Ergo, Nabbit. You’re allowed to make a joke character based off of a pun without injecting a Tolkein novel’s worth of lore into his backstory, dag nabbit. Hey, wait a minute.
Wiz: Nabbit scours the kingdom, hoping to get his paws on anything valuable and carelessly unguarded. His loot sack is seemingly bottomless, and if his spoils add any sort of weight, it doesn’t show. He can run, leap, flip, fly, and even play golf one-handed without letting it go.
Boomstick: The dude’s an extreme kleptomaniac who will snag anything from money, to stickers, to power-ups he can’t even use. Hell, he even stole Bowser Jr.’s look. But the life of anonymity soon gave way to the thrill of the chase. Having stolen from one too many Toads, Nabbit eventually encountered Mario in the Acorn Plains; after a gruelling sprint, the lawful hero managed to capture him and force him to return his loot. And from there, he was now in the crosshairs of those goody two-shoes Mario Brothers.
Wiz: Nabbit may seem to prefer against head-on conflict, but in his defense, it’s hard to compete against the physical might of someone capable of kicking a castle or ground-pounding a meteor. He isn’t a coward, and simply places his confidence in his speed and athletics. Mario, who is capable of traversing the cosmos in short timeframes, is only marginally faster than him on foot, and one wrong move can mean a successful escape. But if that isn’t an option, he can hold his ground by utilizing his sack’s contents as throwing weapons.
(Cutaway)
Boomstick: He’s got coins, shells, bombs, spikes, and will even throw out Paragoombas, the angelic mushroom men that will bombard you with their own children because they’re just metal like that. That’s right, he’s such a klepto, that he will steal other sentient beings to lug around, before locking them into his vault on his own private island, there to be doomed to a slow, painful, agonizing existence, until the sweet release of death and 200 points takes your misery away…
Wiz: Uh, the…
Boomstick: The sack itself makes for a pretty good slugger as well, like a sock full of rocks! (Smacks Wiz with a giant sack full of random shit, including a visible anvil) And if you happen to be a butterfingers, anything you’re holding can and will be used against you. “Ooh, that looks like a neat hammer, do you mind if I just take a closer BONK mine now bitch!” (Smashes Wiz again, just as he’s trying to get up)
(End cutaway)
Wiz: Second only to Nabbit’s skills in thievery, is his immense fortitude. He’s one of the most durable enemies Mario has ever faced, and can take blasts from fireballs that would incinerate most other targets in one strike, or a toss from a shell strong enough to annihilate stone. He can even run through fire or on spikes without so much as flinching.
Boomstick: That we know of. That mask might be covering up some cute little swear words.
Wiz: Very little short of Bowser’s toughest warriors, or various forms of suffocation, can put Nabbit down for good. And while it would be a disservice to say he’s as strong as Bowser’s main minions, he’s clearly far beyond your average Goomba, which is capable of destroying very large boulders.
Boomstick: With how tough this ridiculous rodent is, it’s a good thing that Mario doesn’t have to worry about him all the time. At the end of the day, Nabbit is out for himself above all else, and doesn’t take too kindly to Bowser either. He will, if he’s needed, even ally with the Mario Bros to help rescue Peach, or provide them with nifty new stuff, or whatever else is needed to keep this ever-lasting feud going.
Wiz: Indeed. For so long as there is war, there are those who are willing to profit from the economy it generates. While the Easter Bunny may give… Nabbit taketh away.
(Nabbit runs into a sprint and leaps up a hill into the moonlight)
Interlude[]
Wiz: All right, the combatants are set, and we've run the data through all possibilities.
Boomstick: IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLE!!!
DEATH BATTLE[]
All is bright and sunny across the rolling hills of the Mushroom Kingdom. Flowers are bopping along to a backing music track, birds are fluttering by the grass, and a living pipe is somehow snaking its way along the horizon far in the background. But at the front, in a small private ravine, a familiar green-clad plumber comes to a stop in the shade, holding a small foil pack in his hand. Luigi, the greater of the two Mario Bros., looks around sheepishly as if he’s wishing to be left alone, before he’s satisfied and tears open the package with a smooth rip. From inside, he pulls out a small stack of playing cards, and his eyes light up at the sight of the one on top. The metal is shiny and prismatic, casting a red glow onto his face, burning with the same intensity as the dragon it displays. Against all odds, he has pulled a holographic Charizard. A huge smile plasters over Luigi’s face, and he holds the card above his head as he jumps up and down in celebration.
Luigi: Wah-HOOO!
We all know how this is going to go.
Out of nowhere, a purple rabbit with a cartoonish facemask, and a large sack of his shoulder, leaps into the ravine, and swipes the Charizard card with a quick flick of the wrist. Then, just as quickly as he arrived on the scene, Nabbit takes off, and it takes a moment for an empty-handed Luigi to realize what just happened.
As the plumber’s cries wail through the hills, Nabbit runs along, happily chirping to himself at his new score. As he sprints through the grass, however, he misses as he passes by an odd sight: what appears to be a floating cat’s face in the grass. With a delayed reaction, the rabbit suddenly stops, as if something is off; it is in this brief pause where a floating paw sneaks up, snatches the Charizard from his grip, and retreats. As Nabbit looks at his hand shocked, a black-clad cat zooms by, snickering as it runs away with its own treasure sack in tow. There is no honour among thieves. Nabbit pouts, and his purple body almost turns red with rage before he hoists his sack and charges off after Tac, kicking up a trail of dust as he catches up. Tac looks behind him, and though his face doesn’t change to show any annoyance at his pursuer, he grumbles, and tries to increase his speed.
FIGHT!!![]
Tac does manage to muster more energy, and he sprints off, but Nabbit does the same, hot on his trail. The two crooks turn into black and purple blurs as they shoot off like lasers across the green landscape, leaving behind a huge trail of dust wherever they run; Nabbit remains only slightly behind. A group of Waddle Dees is settling down for a picnic, happy as can be as they prepare to dig into a stack of sandwiches, a fruit platter, and a large pitcher of lemonade. But when the blurs race by, and the dust settles, the food (and the blanket) has disappeared without a trace; the Waddle Dees immediately begin to cry rivers from their eyes. Further down the road, a platoon of Toad soldiers is marching along, shields and spears in hand, while guarding Princess Peach on a stroll. The blurs rush by, and the Toads are stripped of their weapons, while Peach’s crown also vanishes, leading to a panic among the soldiers. Lastly, the Hero of Time Link is kicking open a treasure chest. He reaches in, and draws out a shining gold rupee, spinning it around and hoisting it above his head with an iconic chorus ringing through the air. But, when the blurs rush overhead, the rupee disappears with them, and Link lets out a cry of anguish before having a heart attack and collapsing to the ground. Their sacks looking suspiciously larger, Tac and Nabbit keep running, the latter having almost caught up.
Nabbit raises his fist, and makes a gamble when he lunges forward, punching down. Tac avoids the hit with a jump of his own, and while Nabbit converts his missed blow into a somersault, the ninja cat leaps up into the air, before a jet of smoke suddenly shoots out of his feet. Taking off like on a rocket thruster, Tac flies into the air, hoping to make an aerial getaway. Nabbit, growling, leaps into the air, and his feet begin to flutter back and forth, faster and faster, until he’s shooting off into the sky as well. Tac looks behind himself, annoyed, but satisfied in his lead. But Nabbit is far from being too far; reaching into his sack, he pulls out a red turtle shell, and whips it into the air after his target. The shell locks onto target, and Tac turns around just a moment too late before it smashes into him, bursting into turtle shrapnel upon impact. The hit knocks Tac out of the sky, and he goes crashing down to the ground, bouncing along like a beach ball before coming to a skidding stop in the dirt.
With a run-by looting, Nabbit swipes the Charizard card from Tac’s bag, and continues on, giggling to himself now that the tables have turned. But as Tac gets up and runs after him, he turns, and puts a hand into his bag. The bunny pulls out a stack of large golden coins in one hand, and with a toss, he whips them forward like ninja stars, though Tac weaves through the bombardment as they burst on the ground around him. The next weapon is a Buzzy Beetle shell, much heavier and heftier than the earlier Koopa shell. He lobs it forward, but Tac shoots out his paw and grips the weapon out of the air before whipping it right back. To defend himself, Nabbit quickly pulls out a brick block from his bag of tricks. The Buzzy shell blasts it, shattering it to pieces but saving Nabbit from the hit. Sliding backwards from the impact, Tac reaches inside one more time, and pulls out a thin sticker; throwing it forward like a Poké-ball. It flashes white, and a Goomba flies out, before spreading two angelic wings from its back and screeching from the top of its lungs.
The Paragoomba yells out as it swerves overhead, bombarding miniature offspring of itself down onto Tac, but the ninja cat’s eyes narrow in determination (and an anime-style close-up). Its hand lashes out repeatedly, plucking the baby Goombas out of the sky one at a time and stowing them away in the sack on its back, much to the Paragoomba’s horror. Then, with one powerful blow, Tac punches forward. For a brief moment, it looks like the fist made a heavy impact against the Paragoomba’s face, but then, the fist retracts. The Paragoomba’s wings vanish, as the fist pulls out a Star containing an emblem of a feather, and as Tac stows the copy essence away, the now-normal Goomba plops to the ground. And then gets bopped on by Tac as he runs after Nabbit, disappearing into oblivion and spawning 200 points for Tac’s score. Nabbit’s eyes narrow under his mask, as do Tac’s, as they accept that it’s time for a full on melee showdown.
The giant sacks drop to the ground as Tac and Nabbit step towards each other, cracking their non-existent knuckles before throwing paws. They punch hard, back and forth, each landing multiple heavy blows, but neither bowing down. Nabbit in particular seems to be taking the hits very well, and Tac’s mobile arms move more on defense soon enough, but a well-timed jab has both cute ‘n’ cuddly crooks deck each other in the cheek at the same time, causing their eyeballs to cartoonishly pop out before they slide backwards. Then, upping the ante, they each grip their sacks, and rush right back in, swinging their treasure hordes like flails. Left and right, left and right, they smash their bags into each other. Tac finally gets an opening when he weaves out of the way of one of Nabbit’s attacks, and with a one-handed spin of his bag, he bludgeons the bunny across the head before hopping into the air and holding it with both hands above his head. With all his might, he swings down, but Nabbit suddenly disappears in a puff of smoke; Tac’s strike hits and cleaves empty ground, and Nabbit reappears behind him with a drop-kick to the back of the head that knocks the cat burglar down.
As Tac picks himself up, Nabbit opens up his bag and rummages around inside, before pulling out a giant flower pot… with a feisty Piranha Plant growing out of the other end. The carnivorous flower chomps its maw a few times, and saliva pools from its mouth before it lunges forward. Its mouth clamps down on Tac’s location, but there is no scream of pain or explosion of stars. The plant withdraws, with nothing in its jaws, and it looks around confused, not noticing Tac’s face hovering invisible nearby. Nabbit likewise scans the area looking for his disappeared foe, and when his back is turned, Tac comes out of hiding and strikes, knocking the Piranha plant away. With its one free hand, it unleashes a barrage of punches, so fast that the single fist seems to split into a dozen that jab a hundred times in a few seconds. The volley is mighty, but Nabbit seems to simply stare blankly through it all, even when the final blow is an uppercut to flip him into the air. With his opponent vulnerable, Tac grips his bag tightly, and spins around on the spot, becoming a whirl of pain that Nabbit falls into. In slow motion, Nabbit’s body distorts as the bag smashes into it, before he goes flying off into the sky, disappearing with a twinkle. Tac, predicting his opponent’s flight pattern, turns around, and sure enough, Nabbit flies back, having flown across the globe. Tac’s hand snatches out, grips Nabbit by the mask, and smashes him into the ground, scraping his face into the ground.
Tac steps over Nabbit’s body, and reaches down to flip the bunny over. But, Nabbit’s eyes are wide open, and staring intensely. Tac stumbles back, before finding himself getting swat across the face with a golf club; Nabbit advances, using his sporting equipment like a bludgeon to beat the cat over the head repeatedly. An intense blow between the ears creates a large bruise, much to Tac’s frustration, and it snatches out with its hand to swipe the club from Nabbit’s grip, shoving it into the endless void that is its sack. Nabbit continues with the pressure by running forward and flutter-kicking in the air, rapidly striking Tac across the face with its feet a dozen times before landing, and rearing its fist back. With a hefty punch, it slams its fist into Tac’s face, sending the cat flying backwards into a large boulder which cracks upon impact.
Tac weakly gets up, and Nabbit steps towards it, threateningly opening up its bag as it gets closer. Tac stares into the void inside, and then takes off in the opposite direction, seemingly abandoning the fight for its own safety. Nabbit watches him disappear, but as the cat burglar crosses over the top of a hill, it turns around, flashing the Charizard card in its hand as a last taunt. Nabbit flips in shock, realizing that its pockets had been picked in the close-quarter scuffle, and he sprints off to give chase once again. The two once again traverse the landscape, though this time, it’s in freeze-frame picturesque form: the two run over hill and dale, through forests, over the water, and even across a cavern of spikes, with Tac flying over and Nabbit just running across the molten lake. Finally, the two come to another stop… atop a volcanic mountaintop in the dead of night, overlooking the Mushroom Kingdom far below. The glowing from the magma clashes with the darkness around them, setting up an intense atmosphere for their final showdown.
Tac lunges, and once again, Nabbit vanishes with a smoke bomb fakeout to reappear behind him. With a kick into the air, a teleport, another kick, so on and so forth, Nabbit beats and batters Tac up into the sky before swinging his sack like a bludgeon, smashing Nabbit back down into the mountain. Dangling in the air over him, Nabbit then reaches into his bag and draws out a MechaKoopa, fuse already lit; he drops it down towards Tac, who looks up, expressionless as the sight of the falling bomb fills his eyes. It lands at his feet, and explodes in a plume of smoke.
Nabbit descends, touching down in a one-knee landing on the mountain; the smoke behind him clears, and Tac’s sac lays dropped on the hill, its owner nowhere in sight. And laying there, at the entrance to the bag, is the foil Charizard card, free for the taking. Nabbit chirps a happy tune, and walks over, claiming his prize from the ground; he holds it up high, and turns around, preparing to walk down the mountain.
Tac’s face is hovering in the air behind him.
Perfectly blended into the surroundings, the ninja cat avoided detection, and still does, now laying in wait as Nabbit walks away with the bait. His hand appears beside him, clenching into a fist, and then rockets forward; Nabbit turns around, shocked, before the floating limb grips him by the mask and yanks him back. Screaming a high pitch does nothing to save the Rabbit Robber; he’s shoved into Tac’s giant bag, which is promptly zipped up tight. Punches and kicks go off from within it, trying in vain to break free, but it’s no use; Tac picks it up, and walks over to the edge of the volcano, looking over the lava field. An ominous choir chanting in latin fills the air, as a dark decision prepares to be made, and the glow of the lava reflects off of Tac’s garb as he weighs his options.
He nonchalantly chucks the sack into the lava, and it disappears with a *plip*, taking Nabbit along with it. Then, turning around, Tac takes the dropped Charizard card and leaves, not even bothering to look back.
Conclusion[]
K.O!!!
Boomstick: Well, that was all right for two minor game villains. I guess anything from the these two series can go hardcore if you look at them right.
Wiz: Now, being enemies that the main heroes can simply fodderize, it was unique to examine the potential of Tac and Nabbit to try and pick out a winner, especially with the abilities we know they have. For obvious reasons, we can’t just scale them TO Kirby and Mario and go from there. So rest easy, seasoned debaters, this battle doesn’t impact that war.
Boomstick: We really shouldn’t match their speeds up, either. Both ultimately lose out to their adversaries when it comes to a footrace, and that’s when those two heroes AREN’T busting out the interstellar god mode velocities.
Wiz: Nabbit may have had an arsenal to play with, but against an opponent based around stealing your stuff, including your henchmen allies, it meant very little.
Boomstick: But, on the other hand, we can’t confirm that characters outside the Kirby universe have a Copy Essence for Tac to scan and steal, so he couldn’t just rob Nabbit of his natural abilities like his durability in one shot. Hoo boy.
Wiz: But here’s one thing we CAN look at: limits. Both had tricks up their sleeves that made them difficult to take head on: Nabbit’s durability, and Tac’s camouflage. But only the latter was a complete no-sell. Tac can hide in the thick of battle, and avoid even sure-fire strikes from any opponent he’s in battle against, biding his time until an opening appears.
Boomstick: It is something he’d have to consciously activate, but Tacs are accustomed to that strategy, waiting for the right time while Kirby is in the middle of battle before rushing in for the steal. Nabbit’s innate durability was impressive, but it didn’t protect against EVERYTHING like Tac’s could.
Wiz: Nabbit could be beaten back by more powerful opponents, or stomped flat, but most importantly he was still vulnerable to factors like toxic gas, lava, or being eaten whole. Suffocation effects which could be replicated if he were to be trapped inside a Tac’s bag, from which nothing is known to have escaped from.
Boomstick: So, was Tac strong enough to nab Nabbit? Yes. Tac can swipe Bonkers and Bugzy, minibosses on par with Iron Mam, who can crack the planet in half. Nabbit has yet to show that level of strength, and simply grabbing someone to throw into a Santa sack could feasibly ignore the bunny’s invincibility to an extent.
Wiz: And it's unlikely if Nabbit could likewise simply steal Tac; his showings of snatching Mario enemies are restricted to their forms as items, such as walking bombs, shells, plant pots, or stickers. And he's never quite grabbed anything on Tac's level; in Helper-to-Hero mode, Tac was able to defeat several foes well beyond your average Paragoomba.
Boomstick: Maybe they don't match up to Mario and Kirby proper. But when you look at what they've done themselves, Tac just has the better resume at this point in time.
Wiz: Both were valiant to go against such legendary heroes against all odds. But of the two tricky thieves, Tac had just what he needed to get around Nabbit’s defense.
Boomstick: Imagine being almost invincible and steal losing to your opponent. Man, Nabbit got his victory robbed.
Wiz: The winner is Tac.
Rundown[]
Tac:
?: Stats
+: Could snatch those with higher strength and durability
+: Camoflauge defense
+: Could counter Nabbit's arsenal
-: Less showings of durability
Nabbit:
?: Stats
+: Physical durability
-: Not quite invincible
-: Larger arsenal was null
Next Time[]
Boomstick: Next time on Death Battle!
