Description[]
Marvel vs DC! Which of these powerful animal versions of our favourite characters is the most powerful? Who will win?
Interlude[]
Wiz: Animals. They're human's best companion, but sometimes, they're companions and much more.
Boomstick: Like Peter Porker, the Spectacular Spider-Ham
Wiz: And Ace, the German Shephard adopted by Batman.
Boomstick: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick!
Wiz: An it's our job to analyse their weapons, armour and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
Spider-Ham[]
Wiz: 1983. A lot of interesting, happy, sad and weird things happened. Marvel created Earth-8311, a Marvel universe inhabited by super-intelligent animals, and with them came a spider named Peter.
Boomstick: Peter lived with May Porker, a scientist pig who tried to develop a radioactive hair dryer to completely change hairdressing. Surprise, surprise, something went wrong.
Wiz: May was turned radioactive by the hair dryer, and poor Peter just happened to be in the way. He was bitten, forever altering his appearance. He became a pig.
Boomstick: He then decided to rename himself Peter Porker because May thought that she was Peter's aunt due to the hair dryer.
Wiz: Peter wasn't just a pig, he had kept his amazing spider powers, allowing him to become the one, the only, Spectacular Spider-Ham.
Boomstick: Ha! What a name! Well, like most spiders, Peter was able to shoot ultra-strong strands of webs, allowing him to swing around the city with ease.
Wiz: The bite also gave him super strength, speed and agility and unlike normal Spider-Man, Peter's webs are organic, and don't run out.
Boomstick: He even has Spider-Man's trusty Spider-Sense, able to detect his surroundings and alarming him of danger. It's friggin overpowered as hell! He even has a mallet, for some reason, but it's an effective weapon and he has a mighty swing.
Wiz: He's a master martial artist, taking on and defeating many foes more powerful than him like Ductor Doom, Bull-Frog, Raven the Hunter and Hogzilla.
Boomstick: And he can cling to almost any wall or surface for an indefinite amount of time. Though I have to admit, his taste in women are a little strange...
(We see a picture of Mary Jane Waterbuffalo)
Boomstick: But she's even cuter than my ex-wife, ha!
Wiz: Even though he's Spider-Ham, he isn't perfect, his suit makes stealth and hiding difficult, he won't stop being slandered by J. Jonah Jackal, his durability has limits and he's the weakest Spider-Person out there.
Boomstick: Still, Spider-Ham helped save the multi-verse with other Spider-Men, and really, who else can say that? Still, I wish there was more of him to research...
(Spider-Ham: The worst thing about being Spider-Man is that you can't save everybody...)
Ace the Bat-Hound[]
Wiz: Now, let's move back in time, way back, to 1955, where someone named John Wilker was an engraver with a dog named Ace.
Boomstick: But like any superhero or super-animal, his parents didn't last long. John Wilker was kidnapped by a group of counterfeiters who forced him to make fake money.
Wiz: Batman and Robin, of course, showed up to the scene and after seeing the dog be destroyed by the thugs, they rescued John Wilker.
Boomstick: Wait, he was rescued?!
Wiz: Yes, but Ace was disoriented and somehow ended up in a river, so they put up lost dog posters, thinking that anyone would notice the diamond-shaped mark on his forehead.
Boomstick: But then Batman thought that people would make the connection between Bruce and Bats and made Ace a mask, making him Ace the Bat-Hound.
Wiz: He was occasionally loaned to Batman and Robin by Wilker as a Bat-Hound, but after he moved away to a new place where it would be hard to take care of him, he gave him to Batman and Robin.
Boomstick: After DC ran out of ideas for the dog, they released the stupidest plot-device ever, amnesia.
Wiz: Which left him with a distrust of people wearing masks.
Boomstick: Which is pretty stupid, considering his owners literally wear masks at night.
Wiz: However, he is a dog, and as such, learned to love his owners, anyway, as a German Shepherd, he's naturally brave, loyal, energetic, keen and ready to learn.
Boomstick: And for a dog, he's pretty friggin strong. His teeth interlock in a scissor grip when he bites, giving him strength and power with his bites and we've all been bitten by dogs, that sucks.
Wiz: German Shepherds have no qualms about giving their lives for their owners and are one of the smartest dog breeds in the world. They will not hesitate to use force if their pressured. German Shepherds have a staggering bite force of 238 PSI.
Boomstick: Ace has a highly developed nose, able to detect bombs and other dangerous chemicals. Humans have 3-5 million smell receptors, while dogs have 120-200 million smell receptors, allowing smells to linger for longer and clearer.
Wiz: Ace can take a surprising amount of punishment. He was able to be beaten by multiple thugs and fall in a river, and he was fine, if only a bit dazed.
Boomstick: But he's still just a dog, meaning he's not super strong, fast or tough, and he doesn't have many attacks outside of his biting.
Wiz: Ace is a great loyal, smart, and strong companion for the Dynamic Duo, and will follow in his footsteps, even if he's in danger.
(We see Ace barking)
Intermission[]
Wiz: All right, the combatants are set, let's end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLE!
Death Battle[]
In a dark alleyway, we see two white eyes, the figure emerges and it turns out to be Batman! He's followed closely by Ace the Bat-Hound, sniffing the ground. Batman quickly stops and looks in the sky, where a streak of red flies across the screen, followed by a second, smaller red streak.
On the other side of a building, Spider-Man drops down, followed by Spider-Ham.
Spider-Ham: Tell me. Why are you fighting him?
Spider-Man fires a web at the building and swings away without giving an answer. Spider-Ham kicks a nearby rock in frustration and explores the building. He comes across the alleyway with Ace and Batman.
Spider-Ham: Who are you guys?
Ace notices that he's in a mask and growls softly, menacingly. Batman narrows his eyes and throws a batarang at him, but Spider-Ham dodges the throw. Batman looks up the top of the building and back to Spider-Ham before firing his grappling hook at the building.
Batman: Sorry Ace, I'd help you, but I need to squish a spider.
Batman grapples away, leaving Ace growling at Spider-Ham. Spider-Ham looks at Ace growling at him.
Spider-Ham: Nice doggy...
Ace slowly advances at Spider-Ham and barks violently and growls further.
Spider-Ham: Not a friend?
Ace keeps growling. In the distance we hear a familiar voice.
Spider-Man (In distance): You've got a black belt in stupid if you think you're going to beat me.
Ace charges at Spider-Ham and tries to bite him, but Spider-Ham sidesteps out the way, confused. Ace twists around and runs toward him again, but Spider-Ham fires a web at Ace and flings him at the wall, but he doesn't quite reach it and Ace safely rolls across the ground. Spider-Ham jumps toward Ace and tries to punch him, but Ace bites his arm.
Spider-Ham: Yeow!
Spider-Ham pulls himself free and tries to barrage him with punches, but Ace parries with bites. Spider-Ham kicks Ace in the chest, allowing Spider-Ham to regain his bearings. He looks at his arms, which has many bite marks and blood. A thought bubble appears next to Spider-Ham.
Spider-Ham (Thinking): I can't get past those teeth! What if I ambush him from above?
Spider-Ham throws himself up in the air with his webs and perches in the darkness. Ace looks around, confused. Suddenly, Ace picks up a scent. He sniffs the ground and walks around in circles, his ears perk up. He looks up to where Spider-Ham is hiding and barks at him and tries to jump up to him.
Spider-Ham: What? Oh, that was a perfect hiding spot!
He jumps down and pulls out his mallet. Ace yelps in surprise and backs up into the wall. Spider-Ham spins a web to stick Ace to the wall while advancing on him. Ace tries to bite through the web but Spider-Ham whacks Ace in the head with the hammer, spraying blood on the wall. Ace keeps biting through the web and breaks free and bites Spider-Ham in the arm, which makes him drop the hammer.
Spider-Ham jumps backwards as Ace runs toward him, and he uses his web to throw him onto a road. Ace stands up and runs forward to avoid a car. Spider-Ham swings toward him and dropkicks him. They jump back from each other, avoiding cars. Spider-Ham and Ace look in each other's eyes before running toward each other. Spider-Ham jumps over a car while Ace stops to let it go past. They start to fight, Ace biting and Spider-ham punching and kicking, but are interrupted by a car. After the car goes past, they start fighting once more. A truck drives past. Distracting the two. Ace bites Spider-Ham's arm and forces him in front of the car while jumping out the way, but Spider-Ham flings himself in the air with his webs.
Ace meets Spider-Ham as he lands and they fight once more. Spider-Ham manages to break Ace's tail in the skirmish, making Ace fall on the ground, yelping and whining in pain. Ace has his back to the traffic as he gets on his feet. Spider-Ham notices a car accelerating behind Ace's back. His eyes widen and he flings himself away with his webs.
Spider-Ham: Holy crap!
Ace turns to the car and yelps. Spider-Ham winces as Ace is hit by the car. Promptly killing him.
The car Ace was hit by crashes into a nearby building while Spider-Ham watches with a mixture of surprise and awkwardness.
Conclusion[]
Boomstick: Ow! That must've hurt.
Wiz: Ace was a loyal and powerful dog, but he could not compete with Spider-Ham.
Boomstick: He had the trump on everything. He was faster, stronger and tougher. His webs and spider-sense was just the cherry in top.
Wiz: Ironically enough, Ace could surpass and even beat Spider-Ham's webs and spider-sense. He has previously been shown to bite through ropes, and his nose and ears could match the spider-sense and track him down.
Boomstick: But Ace is only a dog and nothing else. Similar to how Batman is just human with gadgets. He did put up a good fight, but Spider-Ham was able to surpass him.
Wiz: Hold on, Boomstick. If my calculations are correct...
Spider-Man (In distance): Sorry about that. Web swing!
Boomstick: Welp, that's all the Batman family dead.
Wiz: Ace was able to do some good damage, but the only time he could've taken Spider-Ham out was at the beginning while he didn't know what was going on. After Spider-Ham focused on the task at hand, Ace stood little chance.
Boomstick: Spider-Ham could really 'sense' Ace's defeat!
Wiz: The winner is Spider-Ham.
