Description[]
Team Fortress vs. Red VS Blue. Season 7 finale. Red clad soldiers who were battle-crazed before even setting foot on a battlefield.
Introduction[]
Wiz: To fight for what you believe in takes determination, grit and skills that will get you through the worst scenarios.
Boomstick: Being a tad bit touched in the head can help or hinder that, but when you often dive headfirst into battle without much in the way of sanity, it makes you all the more dangerous.
Wiz: Like the Soldier, the battle-bonkers military mercenary.
Boomstick: And Sarge, the fighting-fanatic sim trooper. He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
Soldier[]
Wiz: Long ago, in the year of grainy stock footage, a wealthy businessman passed away, leaving his land to his two sons.
Boomstick: But even when you have the same thing, you always want what you don't have and it was no different between the two brothers.
Wiz: The two feuded with each other for years trying to take the other's portion and it eventually reached a boiling point when they both hired teams of mercenaries to fight on their behalves.
Boomstick: A bit extreme for the usual brotherly squabbling, but hey, it was war, and in a war, you need soldiers. So it's not surprise one of the mercenaries hired was all about being a soldier.
Wiz: It fact, it was all he was known as.
- Background
- Age: 50
- Height: 6'1
- AKA Jane Doe
- Member of the Red Team
- Is a lawyer in the United States
Boomstick: Well, kind of. He was also known as Mister Jane Doe, yes, Jane, and during his youth had a burning drive to serve his country during the sequel to World War One.
Wiz: Unfortunately for him, Doe was rejected by each and every one of the military branches he tried to sign up for.
Boomstick: Not one to let that stop him from being a patriot, Doe purchased his own ticket to Poland and set about killing over 6000 Germans.
Wiz: I'm not 100% they were all Nazis though, meaning after the war did end, Doe had to lay low for a while, evading the authorities for 4 years afterwards.
Boomstick: During that time, he got himself embroiled in several careers. He's a priest in Guam and a lawyer in the United States, which, thinking about it now, would help him fit right in with the American Justice System.
Wiz: But Doe's true calling card was the field of combat.
Boomstick: So when he got the chance to participate in the sibling rivalry to end all sibling rivalries, he rocket jumped at the call. Don't worry, we'll explain what that is, but first we gotta go through the basics.
- Arsenal
- Rocket Launcher
- Clip: 4
- Maximum Ammo: 20
- Used for the "Rocket Jump"
- Shotgun
- Clip: 6
- Max ammo: 32 shots
- Fires out a spread of bullets
- Shovel
- Rocket Launcher
Wiz: The primary weapon to the Soldier's name is the Rocket Launcher. Looking to be modelled after an RPG, the Rocket Launcher fires out explosive missiles.
Boomstick: It can be equipped with four at a time and it is the Soldier's nature to carry at least 16 extra ones. A single hit from one of those babies is guaranteed to pulverize most other mercenaries. But the real genius usage of it is through the Rocket Jump.
Wiz: In what is an extremely risky move, the Soldier can fire a shot into the ground directly below him whilst in the air, sending him flying up high to get the drop on his enemies.
Boomstick: Imagine how tough his knees would have to be to withstand that landing impact. Not bad for a 50 year old Maverick.
Wiz: Furthermore, the explosion used for the jump does less damage to him than it does others and if it does score a direct hit, then the damage is reduced even further.
Boomstick: The Soldier also wields a shotgun for close-quarters combat, which fires out a spray of bullets into any unfortunate enough to bump into him.
Wiz: The shotgun comes with a six-clip magazine and the Soldier carries an additional 32 shots, giving him plenty of ammo to pepper his opponents with.
Boomstick: You just know he's an expert with his guns when he can fire them accurately even with his helmet pulled down over his eyes. And he's far from helpless if he runs out of ammo. Not only is a madman not someone you want to fight in a bare-knuckle brawl but the Soldier has an impromptu melee weapon in the form of a short-handle shovel.
Wiz: It makes a surprisingly effective weapon and is actually reminiscence of the kind the soldiers of the World Wars would use to dig their trenches.
Boomstick: Please, the only thing that the Soldier would be interested in digging is the graves of his enemies. Enemies who...actually look a lot like him and his Red mercenaries. So does that mean the two different colorations have the same backstory or something?
Wiz: I would not know to be honest, I would not know. But physical similarities aren't something that's going to save anyone from the Soldier.
- Feats
- Battled the BLU Team numerous times
- Punched a man across the room
- Can snap the necks of bears
- Survives his own rocket jumps
- Outsmarted robots with props and a disguise
- Defeated a Heavy, Demoman, Pyro, Spy
- Withstood making love with Heavy's sister
Boomstick: If you aren't even remotely American, then guess what; you are an idiot and you hate America. Obviously.
Wiz: Aside from rival mercenaries, the Soldier has also battled robot versions of himself and his fellow RED Team, and even snapped the neck's of bears. These are more than likely Ussuri Brown Bears, which are bears twice the size of the more well-known Grizzly Bear.
Boomstick: Ussuris can be as heavy as 1500 pounds and get this; a brown bear species, smaller than the Grizzly Bear by the way, can survive getting hit by a speeding car. So breaking the neck of one takes some serious strength and is pretty consistent with the bear-bashing feats of other mercenaries like Pyro or Heavy.
Wiz: In real life, RPG's can have a yield of, at the most, 100 million joules of energy and there are more powerful missile launchers that the Soldier can obtain. Whilst we are sticking with the primary arsenal, the one not determined by player input, the fact that Soldier can survive being launched with those other Rocket Jumps. Taking into account the 80% difference in power between the normal rocket launcher and the highest damaging one, then the Soldier can take 180 million joules of energy from each attack.
Boomstick: I'm surprised that Soldier even uses the Rocket Launchers at all. After all, they were made by the Soviet Union, who are pretty much opposite-Americans.
Wiz: Maybe it has something to do with the fact that the Soldier is undeniably insane, often leaping into dangerous situations without fully thinking his own safety through. Just look at the Rocket Jump technique.
Boomstick: But out of all the mercenaries, the Soldier has proven to be the most extreme when it comes to fighting and the very best at his patriotic speeches. Godspeed you magnificent bastard.
Sarge[]
Wiz: Project Freelancer was an independent military operation with the intent to create Super Soldier-AI partnerships to save humanity from the wrath of the Covenant.
Boomstick: So no ordinary training was going to cut it for the State-named Agents of the Project.
Wiz: So the Direction of Project Freelancer was able to get some assistance from Charon Industries, who set up numerous simulated battlegrounds in order to train the Agents. However, it wasn't exactly the best idea.
Boomstick: You wouldn't want to waste competent troops for a simulation battle where there was a very real chance of death, so the Industry got the worst of the worst recruits to be part of the fake wars, like the one in Blood Gulch.
Wiz: They were sorted into two sides, the Blues and the Reds. And taking charge of the Red Team of Blood Gulch was Sarge.
- Background
- Age: 40s
- Height: Est. 5'10
- Leader of the Red Team
- Former OSDT
- Likes war and bloodshed, dislikes peace and understanding
Boomstick: Ah Sarge, a man I can follow. With a love of violence rivaling mine and the charisma of a web-show host, he draws you in with his over the top announcements and thick American accent.
Wiz: You certainly seem to have an...admiration for him.
Boomstick: Sure I do. He's really someone I could call-
Wiz: Dad?
Boomstick: No; general. Are you crazy? We can't be related! We don't even look the same. He wears a helmet, and I don't. Simple.
Wiz: Okay, just going to leave that unprocessed. Before he was a Sim Trooper, Sarge was in fact an orbital drop shot trooper but was discharged due to a crippling fear of heights. Not wanting to pass up on a chance to be a part of a conflict however, he reveled in the quote-on-quote war for Blood Gulch.
Boomstick: He probably wouldn't have cared if it was real or not, just so long as he got to take out some of those diabolical blues using his trusty arsenal. Like his pride and joy, the Shotgun
- Arsenal
- M90 CAWS Shotgun
- Ammo: 12 rounds
- Sniper Rifle
- Heavy Barrel Service Rifle
- Ammo: 36 rounds
- Mangum
- Ammo: 12 rounds
- M90 CAWS Shotgun
Wiz: Featuring the widely idolized pump action, the M90 CAWS Shotgun comes with 12 rounds at a time.
Boomstick: Sarge is an expert shot with this beauty and for a shotgun it has enough range to cover a few feet. With holes. Ha-ha! Seriously though, it has a surprising range.
Wiz: The sniper rifle has an even longer range, though Sarge never actually uses it like a gun, claiming that it is a coward's weapon. No doubt a prejudice fueled by the fact that Church, de-facto leader of the Blue Team, carries one around as his primary weapon. Sarge only ever uses his like a telescope that has the option to be lethal.
Boomstick: Eh, who are we to critique the guns a man likes to fire off. Still, the shotgun isn't Sarge's only weapon he likes to bust out to bust up Blues with. He also carries the standard Magnum, which carries 12 rounds of bullets which are strong enough to shatter concrete!
Wiz: And then there's the stock weapon he often carries, the Heavy Barrel Service Rifle.
Boomstick: Although he's never actually fired it, unlike the sniper rifle, Sarge has never stated any aversion to actually using it.
Wiz: The Service Rifle has a 36 ammo capacity, is suited for mid-ranged combat and packs a noteworthy punch.
Boomstick: Sarge has even used the equipment for the universe's favorite game, Grifball. Probably got into it because he thought it would involve using his least favorite soldier, Grif, as the ball itself. There is something innately punch-able about Grif that I just can't seem to put my finger on...
Wiz: Regardless of if he's even a good one, Sarge is a tough old soldier and has the feats to prove it.
- Feats
- Survived a 50 megaton bomb
- Dodged point blank Magnum shots
- Outran a mine's explosion
- Took a beating from Texas
- Built several robots, including Lopez the Heavy
- Successfully baited Agent Washington
- Defeated Texas, the Meta, Surge
Boomstick: Like the time he, his teammates and the Blue Team got caught in an explosion that made them think they had been blown through time. But nope, they never were, meaning they took the full force of that bomb.
Wiz: Sarge is also fast enough to dodge the explosive blast of a mine after it had been detonated. A usual explosion's shockwave can go over the speed of sound, and this lines up with how Sarge is fast enough to dodge shots from a pistol and even another shotgun. And surprisingly, he's proven savvy enough to construct fully operational robots, though their actual performances need to be tinkered with. Just ask Lopez the Heavy.
Boomstick: Oh wait, you can't really, because you probably don't speak Spanish. But what about the time that Sarge took an absolute pounding from a pissed-off Agent Tex, who's strong enough to lift shipping containers and flip tanks over.
Wiz: Speaking of Freelancers, Sarge has proven surprisingly competent when it came to dealing with them, save the infamous Tex incident. He's been able to lure the wily Agent Washington into a trap and under his leadership, the Reds where even able to take out the Meta.
Boomstick: The single most terrifying son of a bitch in the galaxy. And it was during this conflict with Wash and the Meta that Sarge decided it was time to bury the hatchet between his team and the Blues, reasoning that if they were going to be fighting with each other, they should get to know each other. Or something like that.
Wiz: Sarge has come a ways from the battle-crazed hatemonger he once was, though a desire for conflict still resides within him, especially after not dying heroically on Chorus and drives him towards some very fool-hearty choices.
Boomstick: Without him however, it's doubtful if the Reds and Blues would be where they are now.
Interlude[]
Wiz: Alright the combatants are set and we've run the data through all possibilites.
Boomstick: It's time for a Death Battle!
The Battle[]
Setting: Battlefield
As explosions rained down, the land where a single flapping flag remained shockingly untouched. It's pole gleamed in the light of the blasts, right before two hands shot out to grab it at the same time. The Soldier and Sarge glared at each other from behind their helmets, both holding the flag tightly.
Sarge: Get lost old timer! Your dress sense may be impeccable, but if anyone is going to throw away their life to claim a piece of cloth, it's gonna be me!
Soldier: Bad news for you then maggot, because like my beautiful US of A, I refuse to let go of anything remotely appealing.
Sarge: Very well, a good old fight over any old thing it is!
Soldier: Fantastic! I'd use the French term for have at thee but I'm not French!
FIGHT!
The two red-colored troops pulled out their respective shotguns, aimed them directly at each other chests and with a single pull of the trigger, blew the other backwards with a rain of pullets, tearing their respective grips from the flag. They landed on their backs with solid thumps, Sarge leaping back to his feet in an instant whilst the Soldier rolled to his, firing another volley from his shotgun as soon as he was up. Sarge spun around to avoid the blast, returning fire and forcing Soldier to lunge forward right over the pellets. Soldier fired again after landing, Sarge quickly ducking beneath the shots and shooting at Soldier from a lower angle, making the RED Mercenary dance to the side when the barrage Sarge attacked with splintered the ground where his right food had been a second ago. From that point, Soldier and Sarge circled each other around the flag, firing their shotguns repeatedly in attempts to hit the other, most of which were avoided, until the Soldier bated Sarge out with;
Soldier: You shoot like a blue blood maggot!
Sarge: How dare you! Comparing to anything colored blue!
He dashed forwards, aiming his shotgun upwards for a clear shot. But Soldier skirted around his barrel and aimed his shotgun directly into Sarge's helmeted face.
Soldier: Gotcha maggot!
A blast from the shotgun sent Sarge reeling backwards and Soldier followed it up with several more shots, keeping the Sim Trooper off balance. However, Soldier's advantage ended when his shotgun clicked empty, letting Sarge get his bearings back and use his shotgun to smack the Soldier across the head, before firing a short ranged shot that caught Soldier across the shoulder. He turned about at the hit, quickly reloading his shotgun before turning around, aiming it at Sarge's head the same time he aimed his own shotgun at the Soldier's head.
The two stood there in their standoff.
Soldier: Well, well, well...now wh-?
Sarge shot him mid-sentence, the bullets of the blast either embedding or deflecting off the Soldier's metal helmet and sending him reeling backwards. Sarge let him wobble on his feet as he reloaded his own shotgun.
Soldier: Shooting someone mid-speech; outstanding move!
Sarge: Thank you very much.
Soldier: Heh-heh...I guess I should respond in kind.
Sarge: Go ahead! There is no weapon stronger than the beating heart I give for my-
Sarge suddenly found himself staring down the barrel of a Rocket Launcher.
Sarge:...ah.
He turned and rolled to the side as Soldier fired out a rocket that blew apart the ground he had just been standing on. As soon as he had landed, Sarge had to dodge backwards from another rocket before ducking and then jumping over another two. Soldier smirked before reloading then pointing his Rocket Launcher downwards and firing off a single shot that sent him flying into the air, leaving Sarge to look up at him in disbelief.
Sarge: Diabolical!
Soldier aimed as he flew through the air and fired off a rocket that Sarge jumped backwards from, the former using the explosion to keep himself in the air. The next rocket he fired struck Sarge directly, making him reel and leaving him vulnerable to the Soldier's continuously fired missiles, all of which kept him in the air along with his quick reloading. But eventually, Sarge was able to roll out of the blast zones before holstering his shotgun and pulling out his rifle. With a pull on the trigger, the long-ranged gun was able to riddle the Soldier with bullets that threw him off balance mid-air. Before he could fire off another rocket, he had planted face-first onto the ground.
Sarge: Gotcha! Now witness both my fury and my raw poetry.
He slammed his foot into Soldier's head, grinding his face into the dirt before unloading the clip of his rifle into his back.
Sarge: Die-die-die-die-die-die-die-die-die-die!
As soon as the clip was emptied, Soldier growled.
Soldier: Boy, I once pushed my own intestines back into my body! This is a pedicure!
He aimed the Rocket Launcher upwards and fired a missile that struck Sarge in the midriff, producing an explosion that sent the Sim Trooper flying backwards with a yell. Sarge ended up crashing into one of the trenches lining the battle, crumbling against one of the walls in a heap. He shook his head to relieve the dizziness, looking up in time to roll to the side of the missile that was then fired at him. Sarge darted down one of the corners in the trench, whilst the Solider jumped down after him, unable to prevent Sarge from escaping from his sight. Determined to find his opponent, the Soldier began creeping around the trenches, his Rocket Launcher at the ready. Little did he know, but Sarge wasn't exactly in the trench anymore; he was crouching on the land above it, watching Soldier through the lens of a sniper rifle, the reticle poised over the mercenary's head.
Sarge: I could end this with a simple pull of the trigger, but with a cowardly weapon like this, there's only one appropriate way to use it...
After rounding a corner, Soldier checked the pathway with a quick sweep before continuing forwards. Two more steps later and the butt of the sniper rifle was cracked down onto his back, making him bend over and bellow in pain. Turning in time to see Sarge wielding the sniper rifle like a club, he received a smack from it to the face and then another to his stomach that sent him flying backwards, loosing his Rocket Launcher in the process. Sarge examined the repurposed gun with pride.
Sarge: Yep, this is definitely how a sniper rifle should be used!
Soldier glared up at Sarge, sweeping his hand out to knock one of the Sim Trooper's legs from underneath him, making Sarge fall onto his back with a yell. Soldier rolled across the ground to get to his Rocket Launcher, bringing it up around to try and get a shot at Sarge. He would of as well, if only Sarge hadn't barreled forward, grabbed the end of the Rocket Launcher and twist it around so that the projectile instead hit the side of trench, striking a pipe and unleashing a torrent of steam that shot out between the two fighters, separating and blinding them to each other.
In the cloud of steam, Sarge and Soldier prowled around for the other, their progress remaining unseen by either one of them. Eventually, the Soldier spotted a blurred red outline through the team. With a bellow victory, he charged the outline, hitting it directly with a missile, blowing pieces of it everywhere. Pieces which fluttered through the air, completely unlike body parts. Indeed, when a big piece of it fell in front of Soldier, he was it was make out of cardboard.
Soldier: Hey, I know this stratagem. It's followed up with an attack from BEHIND!
Soldier whipped around, drawing out his shovel as he did to slash out so that the sharpened edges of the tool sliced through the length of Sarge's sniper rifle as he swung it downwards.
Sarge: Wuh-oh. ACK!
The shovel smacked into his helmeted face, sending him reeling backwards, before a couple more strikes cracked down onto him. Eventually, Sarge was able to grab Soldier's wrist to stop the assault, to which the mercenary reacted by swinging his Rocket Launcher off his back to try and aim it at Sarge, the time time that Sarge brought his shotgun around in the same manner. What resulted was the tips of the shotgun and Rocket Launcher pressing against each other and their respective owners pulling their triggers. The resulting blast lifted them high into the air, where they were able to miraculously grapple with each other before impacting back down to earth, back where they were originally fighting over the flag.
The two fighters struggled back to their feet, clenching their fists as they did. It was Soldier who threw the first punch, hitting Sarge across the face, which the Sim Trooper countered with an upper cut to his chin. Sarge then threw out a forwards punch which the Soldier literally used his head to counter, throwing his helmeted head forward so that Sarge's punch connected directly with it. Sarge grunted as pain shot through his fingers, fist and arm. His throat was suddenly grabbed by Soldier with both hands in an attempt to throttle him, but Sarge freed himself when threading his arms next to the Soldier's and wrenching out with them, freeing him up to head-butt his opponent. Blood and a tooth flew from the Soldier's mouth before he threw out a punch at the same kind Sarge did, resulting in the two of them getting struck in the same instance.
Sore and beaten, the two stumbled backwards, breathing heavily.
Soldier: No matter what you do boy, I won't stop. I will have that flag!
Sarge: You want the flag so much, fine...
Sarge reached behind himself and pulled the flag out of the ground.
Sarge: You can have it!
He charged forwards with the flag, holding it in front of him like a lance. The Soldier met the charge, grabbing onto the end pointed at him with both hands but couldn't keep himself rooted to the ground and was pushed backwards. Sarge and Soldier yelled at the top of their lungs as the former charged forward and the latter went backwards, until finally, Soldier's back hit a wrecked jeep and the pole slipped from his grasp. There was a sickening crunch as it went through his midsection, pinning him to the wrecked vehicle and blood rushed from his mouth. As Sarge panted, still leaning forward in his hold on the flag, the Soldier lifted his shaking hands up, revealing he had a grenade in one of them and its pin in the other.
Soldier: I may be going to Hell, but you're coming with me! Kamikaze bitch!
The Soldier laughed manically and Sarge looked on in shock, before he grew confused.
Sarge: Wait, isn't that a Japanese thing?
The Soldier stopped laughing.
Soldier: Oh...son of a bi-
The grenade went off, engulfing Sarge, Soldier and the flag whilst throwing up mud and a cloud of blood. When the dust cleared, Sarge's and the Soldier's helmets were left lying on the scorched ground.
Until Sarge picked his up and put it back on before anyone saw his face.
Sarge: Victory is mine! Now, what happened to that flag?
KO!
Outcome[]
Boomstick: Now before we get to debating the correctness of this outcome, remember, war does not determine who is right, only who is left.
Wiz: The Soldier and Sarge actually matched each other in some ways. They were both crazy but capable planners who have used similar techniques, namely self-endangerment and misdirection and their speeds seemed pretty comparable, what with constantly dodging bullet fire and all.
Popup: Scout's BONK! increases his speed well beyond bullet-timing speeds but it is a speed that the Soldier himself cannot match.
Boomstick: However, in spite of being pretty far from your conventional soldier, not TF2 Soldier, just soldiers in general, Sarge actually had the edge in training.
Wiz: That's right. Whilst the Soldier's one-man rampage across Germany was impressive, it was mainly on self-taught merit since he could never join any military branches. Sarge, meanwhile, actually did have military training, considering he was trained as a drop ship trooper. But most significantly, Sarge's durability had the Soldier stumped.
Boomstick: Just look at who they've tussled with. Soldier taking on Russian bears is mighty impressive and all but Sarge took a beat down from Agent Texas and she was strong enough to catch and support a shipping container.
Wiz: Even an small empty shipping container can weight about two tons and that one was filled with medical boxes. Sure, lifting strength isn't the same as striking strength but Ussuri Brown Bears weight less than half of that. But if more evidence is needed, and let's be fair it often is, Sarge is in the same level as Doc, who survived cliff-rending mines, and even more notably, he himself took that 50 megaton blast.
Boomstick: There wasn't really any way for Soldier to put Sarge down for good before Sarge did the same to him, what with his own durability being only at 6 million joules when comparing him to Scout, who survived a small-scale explosion (Schwxnz). Which isn't the one you might be thinking of.
Wiz: And lastly, it bears mentioning that the Soldier's Rocket Technique ultimately does damage to him as well, whilst Sarge lacked such a drawback himself.
Popup: The Soldier's self-destruction Taunt is only available through certain weapon equips and based on previous feats, wouldn't give him a do-or-die means of take out Sarge.
Boomstick: Both Sarge and Soldier had their moments in the battlefield but Sarge was the one to look up to thanks to his toughness and military background. He was all-too Red-y for this.
Wiz: The winner is Sarge.
Next Time[]
Season 8 comes
With symbols of vengeance
Forged with tragedy
Trivia[]
- The connection between Soldier and Sarge is that they are both red-wearing, American-accented soldiers who battle against blue-colored counterparts, and who are both rather unhinged. Both also use shotguns in battle and in spite of their commitments to the military, are in fact part of unofficial militias; the Soldier is a mercenary whilst Sarge is a simulation trooper. Both have teamed up with their blue foes to combat tougher foes (with the Blue Team against the Robots and the Blues against the Meta, respectively) and fought against evillier counterparts; the original Team Fortress Mercenaries and the Blues and Reds, respectively.
- This battle would have been in 3D
- The original music for this battle would have been called "Red Bites Blue", which is a pun on the American phrase "Red, White and Blue", referencing the nationalities of both combatants as well as their hatred for their blue-coloured adversaries
| “ | War is about to get a lot more...stupid, when these two blue-hating soldiers unload on each other! | „ |
| ~ Tagline |
Soldier VS Sarge is the ??? episode of Death Battle, featuring Jane Doe, AKA, the Soldier from the first-person shooter Team Fortress 2 against Sarge from the webseries Red vs. Blue in a battle of red-wearing soldiers in a war against a blue team.
Interlude[]
Wiz: Jane Doe, the RED team's very own Soldier.
Boomstick: And Super Colonel Sarge, the leader of the Reds!
Wiz: When faced with war, a team needs a leader. Someone who's brilliant strategic planning and tactics can win the day for their side.
Boomstick: Yeah...these two lunatics are kinda the opposite of that.
Wiz: With their blue-hating tendencies, they've...somehow managed to worm their ways into becoming part of their world's greatest teams.
Boomstick: Maybe they're just too smart for us to comprehend! I'm sure they have...some intelligence in 'em.
Wiz: ...suuure.
Boomstick: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick!
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win...a Death Battle.
Soldier Rockets Into DEATH BATTLE![]
Wiz: Back in the 1800s, one rich guy named Zepheniah Mann had just bought a large amount of land…which was completely useless.
Boomstick: Just a bunch of damn gravel pits, dust bowls, and illnesses! Yeah, turns out that diseases from traveling across the world were pretty hard to cure back in the day.
Wiz: His two sons, Redmond and Blutarch, were left half of the land after his eventual death, which Zepheniah wanted them to fight over for the rest of their lives. That might have worked a little too well.
Boomstick: Yeah! After hiring some mercenaries, with the likes of Abraham Lincoln and Nikola Tesla involved, getting their hands on life extension machines, and forty years of the same song and dance, the two of them were still no closer to beating the other!
Wiz: Naturally, the two of them needed some new mercenaries, which they both got nine of. That’s where Jane Doe, the Soldier, comes in.
- Background:
- Name: Jane Doe
- Alias: The Soldier
- Occupations: Mercenary for hire, lawyer, priest
- Age: ~50
- Height: ~6’1
- Motto: “I’m a rocket man.”
- Engaged to Heavy’s sister somehow
Boomstick: Y’see, back during World War 2, Doe wanted to fight in the army. After getting rejected from every single branch in the military somehow, he went to Poland and beat the hell out of some Nazis! Hell, he even got medals for it. What an inspiration.
Wiz: He would be if one, those medals were made by anybody but himself, two, he didn’t have trouble locating Poland, and three, he ended his rampage in 1949.
Boomstick: So?
Wiz: World War 2 officially ended in 1945.
Boomstick: Oh. Yiiiikes.
Wiz: Don’t let that discourage you from thinking Soldier isn’t good at combat, though. Although he’s clearly a bit, uh, coo-coo, he taught himself how to wield a variety of weapons which he later set out to use on the battlefield!
- Arsenal:
- Rocket Launcher
- Rocket Jumper
- Cow Mangler 5000
- Shotgun
- Shovel
- Grenades
- “Kill Me Come Back Stronger” Pills
Boomstick: His primary offense is, of course, his Rocket Launcher! This baby can blast people away with ease and blow people into gibs. What he’s really good at using it for, though, is his fabled technique; the Rocket Jump!
Wiz: Somehow, when Soldier points his Rocket Launcher at the ground and jumps while firing, he can launch himself into the air. This allows him to maneuver around any battlefield he’s in with ease, with the slight cost of him taking a bit of recoil damage.
Boomstick: That’s why he’s got a variant for it. The Rocket Jumper is another launcher he has that’s specifically made for Rocket Jumping! Although it doesn’t do any damage, he can use it to launch himself through the skies with no recoil. You go and fly, you beautiful bastard.
Wiz: When he needs to use something at a closer range, though, he’s got a shotgun to blow people away. Literally. At an even closer range than that is his main melee weapon, a very small handheld shovel.
Boomstick: Hell, his taunt is even battle ready too! He can straight up kamikaze himself and take his foes with him, since he seemingly has two grenades on him at all times. Just, uh, don’t tell him that kamikazes aren’t American.
Wiz: His most strange item in his arsenal isn’t even a gun! When he was roommates with the wizard Merasmus, he took his “Kill Me Come Back Stronger” pills. Although they haven’t actually been used besides the one-off gag, if we use Merasmus’ respawn time in-game as a way to determine how long it would take, it’d be around a minute before he could come back to life.
Boomstick: It gets even crazier, though! Introducing the Cow Mangler 5000! This thing can, you guessed it, mangle cows, sheep, or humans, by straight-up blasting them with energy and vaporizing them, holy shit!
Wiz: Doing the calculations, the Cow Mangler would have the power of around 1.008 tons of TNT, making it Soldier’s most powerful weapon without scaling them to the mercenaries. However, given that these guys kill each other on a daily basis, they should scale.
Boomstick: But let’s not sell the man himself short, because he’s done a lot over the years!
- Feats:
- Snaps a lot of necks
- Can survive his own rockets
- Tanks meteors
- Killed hundreds of people in Poland
- Fought the BLU team, classic mercenaries, Mann vs. Machine robots, Merasmus, Santa Claus
Wiz: For example, a lot of neck-snapping. Whether it’s Tom Jones, a grizzly bear, one of the classic mercenaries sent after him, or a random Australian, who he then un-neck-snapped somehow, apparently nothing can stop him from breaking their necks.
Boomstick: Probably a technique he picked up from the war!
Wiz: Boomstick, he was never in a war- Boomstick: How glorious! If only I was there to see him do it on the battlefield…
Wiz: …Right. Well, he should be comparable to both teams in the actual battlefields he’s been in, meaning he should scale to things like Demoman and Scout surviving his BLU counterpart’s rockets, which clock in at around 7 million joules and 0.007 tons of TNT respectively.
Boomstick: Those rocket jumps from earlier back him being comparable up a bit, don’t they? Speaking of those rockets, another class, the Pyro, is fast enough to where he can deflect them right back. Amped with power-ups, those rockets can move at 1,323 meters per second! Sweet.
Wiz: His most impressive feat pertains to a magic spell. Yes, really. In-game, there’s a spell labeled “Meteor Shower”, which can summon a bunch of meteors. Although the mercs can’t survive all of these meteors, even a single one comes out to 45 gigatons of TNT!
Boomstick: Woah! Alright, wasn't expecting that from the guys who mostly fight with guns.
Wiz: Unfortunately, though, Soldier has his weaknesses. For starters, he’s completely insane!
Boomstick: Yeah, his tactics mainly consist of just runnin’ into the battlefield to kill someone with no real plans. Granted, that works most of the time, but he struggles against people smarter.
Wiz: His Rocket Jumps actively hurting him doesn’t help him out too much either, especially since he has limited ammo, meaning he won’t be able to keep it up forever.
Boomstick: Still, he’s managed to topple some of the best! In Meet the Soldier, he beat a bunch of the BLU team, even getting his hands on their severed heads to yell at them and tell them about Sun Tzu! What a role model.
Wiz: Him and the rest of the mercs fought and managed to basically stalemate the robots created by Grey Mann, the secret third brother to Redmond and Blutarch, who he killed. These robots completely outnumbered all of them, yet they still managed to come out on top.
Boomstick: After Grey Mann managed to take control of Mann Co and hired other mercenaries to try and beat Soldier and his pals, even though they were practically better in every single way, they lost. Granted, there were a lot of wacky shenanigans going on, but that just proves Soldier’s greatest strength!
Wiz: He’s completely unpredictable. Rocket jumps, Cow Manglers, kamikazes, no sane man would do any of this, but he does it anyways. Maybe you were right, Boomstick. Maybe he IS a master strategist.
Boomstick: He also fought all of those robots naked.
Wiz: …Never mind.
(Soldier chuckles, before leaning towards the figures he’s talking to.)
Soldier: And from that day forward any time a bunch of animals are together in one place it's called a 'zoo'!
(The figures are revealed to be the gibbed heads of the BLU Team on a gate. Soldier watches as the Medic's head falls off of it. The TF2 ending flourish music then plays.)
Soldier: UNLESS IT’S A FARM!
Sarge Red-Dies Up For DEATH BATTLE![]
Death Battle[]
Results[]
Comparison[]
Trivia[]
| The Military's (Self-Proclaimed) Finest | |
|---|---|
| Season | 5 |
| Season Episode | 5 |
| Air date | October 2023 |
| Written by | Professor Mewtwo |
| Episode guide | |
| Previous Penny Polendina vs Milla Basset |
Next TBA |
Soldier vs Sarge is a What-If? Death Battle created by Professor Mewtwo it features The Soldier from the video game series Team Fortress pitted against Sarge from the web series Red vs. Blue.
Description[]
Team Fortress vs Red vs. Blue! What these two lack in brains, they make up for in pure patriotic spirit and a knack for carnage. Which of these bold military men will bring glory to their team by giving the other a proper burial?
Poll[]
Got any roots or bets? Make sure to vote in the discussion poll!
Interlude[]
Wiz: The Soldier, rocket-launching patriot of Team Fortress.
Boomstick: Sarge, the headstrong leader of the Reds from Red vs. Blue.
Wiz: To be the perfect soldier, one must have guts to take on the impossible and the drive to carry out their mission no matter the cost.
Boomstick: But then someone came across these two and figured the perfect soldier might also need the intellect to not screw everything up.
Wiz: Though competent or not, they are the ones you can count on to win wars. So let's see what happens when that war pits them against each other
Boomstick: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.
Wiz: And its our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win... a Death Battle.
Soldier, reporting for Death Battle![]
Boomstick: New Mexico, quite possibly the sh*ttiest place on Earth. It’s almost entirely dessert, the “mild” Mexican food is drenched in hot sauce, and it’s where all those idiots tried to Naruto run into a top secret government facility.
Wiz: Though you would be surprised to know that most of the land is owned by Redmond and Blutarch Mann. These feuding brothers have been in a never ending war to claim the other’s half of the land. And what better way to wage a war than to hire your own army of mercenaries.
Boomstick: Nine of the deadliest fighters money could buy, each with their own unique skill set. They’ll do whatever it takes to win the war for Redmond… and Blutarch. By the way, these guys actually work for both sides.
Wiz: Putting the conspiracy aside, each mercenary bears a specific title fitting of their talents. From The Engineer’s mechanical brilliance to The Spy’s expertise in stealth and deception there is no strength left uncovered. But among the mercenaries, none have a greater sense of duty, patriotism, and enthusiastic bloodlust than The Soldier.
Boomstick: A man among men ideal for the battlefield. He was born for war and will glady fight in them until the day he dies. There have been many Soldiers over the course of the 120 year long war between brothers, but in the modern year of 1972 we have the best Soldier to date: Jane Doe. Wait, isn’t that a woman’s name?
Wiz: Trust me, his name is the least of your concerns. Despite bearing the title, this iteration of The Soldier is anything but. Born in the American Midwest, Jane Doe dreamed of fighting the good fight in World War 2, yet there was one minor issue.
Boomstick: He’s a complete sociopath with the IQ of a bucket full of maggots. I don’t know what kind of brain damage he received to make him so dumb, but I’m sure it shut the whole thing down then stole the power supply so it would never go back on. Makes sense that every branch of the military rejected him on the spot.
Wiz: It didn’t stop his sheer determination. Jane personally funded his trip to Europe and began a one-man killing spree against the Nazi army. While there, he trained himself in a variety of weapons and turned himself into the American hero he dreamed of being. He proved to be a natural, massacring the enemy and awarding himself medals in a rampage that lasted until 4 years after the war ended.
Boomstick: I don’t blame him. Killing Nazis can put you on a real high of satisfaction. But without a war to fight, Jane needed a new calling in life. Thus he became a mercenary and took up the mantle of The Soldier, taking on a new battlefield to fight his own teammates and claim the most useless land ever.
Wiz: Good thing his employer was looking for someone who doesn’t read the job description. In fact, there’s a 50/50 chance he can’t read at all.
Boomstick: Stupid Wiz, you don’t need to read when your job description consists of two words: Kick and A$$. The Soldier is a natural in combat thanks to his incredible strength and stamina. He can handle anything his foe throws at him and dish out just as much and then some. And that’s not when he’s being merciful with his personal favorite technique: the Neck Snap.
Wiz: Once he grabs someone’s head and twists it, they die on the spot. Although Soldier doesn’t need to do this in the traditional sense as he’s so strong that he can perform it with a mere punch, making the victim’s head do a 180 in the process. I suppose that kind of strength is necessary to wield the insane weapons provided by Mann Co..
Boomstick: The greatest company in the world, run by the manliest man in the world, which creates some of the most insane weapons ever conceived by human imagination. Among the Mann Co. catalog, you’ll find your basic shovels, frying pans, hammers, machetes, oversized hams, and a knock-off Oscar that turns what it kills into FRICKIN GOLD! But what you really come for are those glorious firearms. Like the classic pump-action Shotgun that kills anything that gets too close.
Wiz: You might actually be more interested in the Reserve Shooter, a modified shotgun that has greater power when faced with airborne targets. Granted, these guns are relatively weak-
Boomstick: Blasphemy!
Wiz: RELATIVELY weak when compared to The Soldier’s preferred weapon of choice: the rocket launchers.
Boomstick: Now we’re talking! Nothing beats a big-a$$ stick that shoots missiles and blows up everything in sight!
Wiz: His standard issue Rocket Launcher can hold up to 4 rockets before needing to reload. And if it functions like the similarly designed RPG-7 then each rocket should move at over 670 miles per hour and can reach targets up to 700 meters away.
Boomstick: And when it goes boom, it makes sure there’s nothing left. A direct hit from these rockets is enough to one-shot most mercenaries. Of course, that’s only the practical implementation. Somehow, some way, this guy has figured out how to use the raw power of his Launcher’s explosion to propel him high into the air by firing at his very feet. This technique is the legendary Rocket Jump, a jump I one day hope to replicate with my own shotgun leg (*mumbles: then we’ll see which weapon is relatively weak*).
Wiz: The very idea of this technique is absurd, yet it undeniably gives Soldier a great mobility advantage that allows him to rain death from above. It’s made even more deadly when the Market Gardener shovel is thrown in with its ability to deal additional damage mid-rocket jump.
Boomstick: But there is a downside. Turns out detonating a rocket right next to you can take your legs along with it. A serious risk for such a wonderful reward. Fortunately, he wears special Gunboat shoes that reduce the self-inflicted pain. If that isn’t enough, he also has the Rocket Jumper, a special rocket launcher that doesn’t harm him when Rocket Jumping. So take that consequences of very stupid actions!
Wiz: The Soldier has plenty of other rocket launchers at his disposal courtesy of Mann Co.. Such as the Direct Hit with rockets that are faster, stronger, and, like what a fair chunk of Mr. Doe’s weapons seem to do, become stronger when hitting airborne targets. There is also the Air Strike that acts in reverse by increasing its power while Soldier is in mid-Rocket Jump and increases the rockets it can carry with each successful kill.
Boomstick: Then there is the Black Box, a vampire rocket launcher that heals Soldier every time it lands a hit. Though my personal favorite among his launchers is his custom made Beggar’s Bazooka. Sure it can’t hold rockets for very long, but when it unleashes them they go out rapid fire style ensuring that he kills everything he sees.
Wiz: Yet in the midst of all the brutal boomers, there is one non-boomer that stands out. Found in a rocket of unknown origin and with tech out of this world, this oversized raygun is known as the Cow Mangler 5000. With its devastating energy blasts, the Cow Mangler doesn’t just blow up targets it also quantum disentangles them.
Boomstick: Quantum what now?
Wiz: Fancy word for disintegration.
Boomstick: Ah! Sounds painful. Probably gets even more painful when it charges up and unleashes a stronger blast that can briefly disable electronics. It’s so powerful that you have to question why he brings the Righteous Bison, a little handgun version of this beauty.
Wiz: Side equipment is always a good option. Speaking of which, to complement his weaponry Soldier carries some special backpacks like this one DUMMI is holding.
DUMMI sneaks behind Boomstick and puts the Buff Banner on him.
Boomstick: What the!? Are we going on a hike or something?
Wiz: These backpacks are linked directly to Soldier’s emotions, or to be more precise: his rage. Should his anger reach its pinnacle he can tap into it and unleash the backpack’s effects and drastically increase his physique for 10 seconds. For example… DUMMI, do the thing.
DUMMI: (*sigh*) Due to budget cuts, we replaced all your beer with root beer.
Boomstick: YOU F*CKING WHAT!?
Boomstick pulls a horn out of the Buff Banner and blows it. The sound makes him glow red and he grabs DUMMI out of anger.
DUMMI: I knew this wasn’t going to end well.
Boomstick throws DUMMI to the ground and smashes him with his fists. The sheer force of the punches shake the Earth and makes Wiz stare at Boomstick with slight uneasiness.
Wiz: Umm… Well among the backpacks, the Buff Banner increases his power, the Battalion’s Backup more resistant to enemy attacks, and the Concheror speeds him up while healing him with each blow he deals.
Popup: The Soldier has had access to magic spells, he could only use it during specific events or maps. Hence it cannot be considered a main part of his arsenal.
Boomstick: (*Breathes heavily as he calms down from his Hulk-like rage*) …Though (*Deep Breath*) Even if those backpacks can’t protect him, Soldier knows how to fight in a bind. If his health runs too low, he’s got pickaxes like the Equalizer and Escape Plan that will boost strength and speed respectively.
Wiz: Hard to imagine that a mental defect fighting a pointless war would have such a broad and effective set of weaponry.
Boomstick: The war wasn’t pointless for long, Wiz. After Gray Mann showed up for the surprise secret brother plot twist, he murdered Redmond and Blutarch. To summarize, the bad news is that it put the Soldier out of a job, but good news is that there was now a greedy madman with an army of robots who needed a serious a$$ whoppin’.
Wiz: The days of fighting his fellow mercenaries were over, as Soldier now found himself in a new war fighting long odds and unraveling a conspiracy that determined the fate of the world… maybe… we’re still waiting for that final issue to come out.
Boomstick: And for those thinking that the Soldier was a laughing stock among mercenaries, they were proved dead wrong. The man has wrestled a bear to death, fended off an evil version of Santa Claus, and torn through hordes of robots while he was naked… and covered in honey. I’d like to say that isn’t a common occurrence, but he does do it… a lot.
Wiz: I mean this is the same guy who infiltrated Gray Mann’s headquarters with a disguise made of cardboard and somehow acquired his secret plans without anyone noticing. So I guess impossible scenarios just work for him, like being a lawyer for instance.
Boomstick: He scored that gig with the help of Merasmus, a former roommate and all-powerful wizard. Yet unlike some Wizards I know this one is magic, and super p!$$ed at Soldier for annoying the sh!t out of him. Thus, he and the other Mercs have to deal with Merasmus on a yearly basis. Not an easy feat considering this guy made a storm that overshadowed a whole carnival.
Wiz: Using an overview map to find a potential radius, it must have taken over 6.9 Kilotons of TNT to create a storm that powerful.
Boomstick: Nice!
Popup: At one point Soldier ate Merasumus’s “Kill Me Come Back Stronger” Pills which prevented Merasumus from killing him. However, the full effects of the pills are unknown and there is no strong evidence that suggests Soldier is immortal in any way.
Wiz: Nothing Soldier can’t handle pain wise, especially since he seems to invite such things. He’s had holes drilled in his teeth, hands severed, and his back snapped in half twice and treated them all like they never happened. Scrawnier-looking mercenaries like Scout have taken worse after having three rockets detonate in his face.
Boomstick: The Soldier could easily run circles around that guy, and he did when he took out eight mercenaries at once. That included the lovable sociopath Pyro who can react fast enough to deflect Soldier’s rockets. That includes ones fired by the Direct Hit which move 80% faster than normal rockets putting them at almost Mach 1.6. If the Soldier can kill a guy… girl… thing that reacts to projectiles that fast then he should be just as fast.
Wiz: A true testament of a man who is undaunted by adversity; a man who will push himself to any length to get the job done. This is a true mark of a soldier that strikes fear upon the battlefield with their brute force and tenacity. Unfortunately, no amount of tenacity can make up for the Soldier’s lack of brains.
Boomstick: There’s no denying it, he’s as dumb as dumb gets. We’re talking about the guy who believed he was on the Moon when asked, thought a Sears coat was Russian propaganda, and when playing D&D he repeatedly took an amulet over and over again despite knowing it would kill him. He’s really a “fight first, think never” kind of guy that causes problems for his team more often than not.
Wiz: But at the end of the day, Soldier always proves that might makes right. He emerged victorious numerous times against man, machine, and monster. Soldier and his team even fought Grey Mann’s whole army, which included the previous team of more competent Mercs, and triumphantly killed all of them.
Boomstick: I honestly don’t see why the military didn’t want him, Soldier is an unstoppable force of nature. So if you see this man coming with a rocket launcher pointed at you, start praying to God for mercy cause the Soldier sure as hell won’t give you any.
Soldier: (*Laughs*) And from that day forward, any time a bunch of animals are together in one place it’s called a zoo!
Soldier stares at the severed heads of his enemies whom he was giving a speech to. One of the heads falls over and Soldier leans down to address it.
Soldier: Unless it’s a farm!
Sarge is Red-y to go into Death Battle![]
Wiz: In the distant future an alien menace threatens our world, prompting humanity to engage in intergalactic war. Countless men and women jumped at the opportunity to serve their planet and the greater good.
Boomstick: Unfortunately, among those men and women there were a lot of idiots too incompetent to even be put on the battlefield. They were so bad that the military would do anything to get rid of them. Good thing the good-old-and-totally-not-shady Project Freelancer was willing to take them off their hands.
Wiz: The Director of Project Freelancer hoped to use these lesser soldiers to create simulated battlefields to train his more elite soldiers. And to make these simulations a reality, he convinced the soldiers that there was a threat greater than the aliens: each other.
Boomstick: Yup, he divided them up and put them into civil war. Two teams locked in saltmate for a pointless conflict believing they were in a battle of Good vs Evil, Right vs Wrong, or rather Red vs Blue!
Wiz: Nice title drop.
Boomstick: Why thank you.
Wiz: Though there are numerous battlefields for the Reds and Blues throughout the galaxy, you may be most familiar with a certain box canyon in the middle of nowhere known and Blood Gulch. Stationed at Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha are the simulation troops of Red Team, a band of misfits unlike any other.
Boomstick: Consisting of the lovable yet lazy Grif, total geek Simmons, stereotypical gay guy Donut, and Lopez, the Spanish robot that hates everybody. Of course no team is complete without a hard-boiled leader to keep them together. And for the Red Team, that leader is none other than their sergeant named Sarge. That can’t possibly be his real name, can it?
Wiz: It might actually be. Feeling like he was born for leadership, he changed his name to match the job he wanted. So I guess it did work out for him in the end.
Boomstick: But humble origins must come from humble beginnings. Before he earned the name, Sarge was originally an Orbital Drop Shock Trooper with a long-standing military career. Things were going great until the idea of skydiving into enemy territory to kill everyone led to him developing a fear of heights.
Wiz: Eventually this led to a series of repeated failures both on the battlefield and in standard examination, forcing the military to toss Sarge aside and put him into Project Freelancer’s hands. There he would get a chance at redemption when he was picked as a candidate to lead Blood Gulch’s Red Team.
Boomstick: He proved his worth by demonstrating his intellect, tenacity, and that reckless abandonment that killed all the other applicants and the test examiner. Thus he officially became the Sarge by process of elimination. D*mn, why can’t all jobs work like that? Less competition and no interviews would make these things way easier.
Wiz: From that day forward, Sarge served the Red Team faithfully and dedicated every moment of his life to their sole cause: Destroy the dirty Blues!
Boomstick: A mission he is more than happy to see through. Sarge lives for the thrill of battle, constantly seeking out enemies to crush them in glorious combat. Even if he were to run out of enemies, this guy will not hesitate to literally create his own enemies to fight or declare war against gravity just to quench his thirst for battle. I can’t help but admire that kind of commitment. It radiates a relatable, almost fatherly aura.
Wiz: Uh-huh… Well Sarge might technically be in a pointless war being manipulated into a stalemate, that doesn’t mean he isn’t supplied with the means to eradicate the Blue Team. He is equipped with the latest in space marine technology as indicated by his Mjolnir Powered Assault Armor Mark VI.
Boomstick: Thor’s hammer is powering a frickin spacesuit!?
Popup: While Red vs. Blue is a parody of the Halo franchise therefore unrelated to it’s continuity, information from the latter will be used when specific context is needed.
Wiz: No, it’s not magic although it might as well be given its capabilities. Powered by a fusion reactor and mainly composed of a titanium alloy, the Mjolnir Armor is a sturdy piece of equipment that can withstand just about anything thanks to its thick plating and energy shields. The armor also gives Sarge awareness of everything around him thanks to a built-in motion-activated proximity radar.
Boomstick: A perfect counter to sneak attacks. And if someone were to get the drop on him, he could take it. That armor can tank lots of crazy stuff. With an earlier model on, Donut once had a spaceship crash on top of him from orbit and shrugged it off like nothing happened. Granted, Sarge is a man of offense, not defense, which is why he takes pride in the firearms he carries.
Wiz: And there is one weapon in particular that he takes more pride in than anything else: the M90 Close Assault Weapon System.
Boomstick: Or as any reasonable person would call it: the shotgun. It is the most glorious gun generated with pump-action for quick reloads and powerful shells that can down any Blue dumb enough to stand in front of it. Sarge loves shotguns so much that he actually keeps a whole stash of them in the broom closet for safe keeping.
Wiz: Sounds great on paper, but shotguns aren't the most reliable weapons given their extremely short range. A fact that Sarge consistently seems to forget, yet he insists on using it for every occasion.
Boomstick: Hey, short-range is a small price to pay for sheer awesomeness. Although if the greatest gun ever of all time somehow fails, Sarge has backup guns to use too. Like the M6D Magnum pistol, a lightweight gun for making quick kills or the MA5B Assault Rifle which mows down everything in sight at a firing rate of 900 Rounds per Minute.
Wiz: Sarge also carries a sniper rifle that can hit targets from over 2 kilometers away. Despite that, he really prefers to use the sniper as an observational tool via its scope as his shotgun-based mentality prefers to harm enemies up close. Still, it won’t stop him from using the weapon for combat or the occasional torment of his teammates.
Boomstick: And if Sarge needs to get serious, he has some heavy weapons that can do the job. The first being the AIE-486H Heavy Machine Gun, which is actually the head of a gatling gun turret. Take it off the tripod and let this baby rip and you’ll see a near endless bullet hell tear through your enemies no matter how tough they are. And for the pièce de résistance he has an alien plasma rifle that shoots energy blasts that go beyond overkill.
Wiz: He’s not kidding. When other rifles found on the same planet were used by a group of space pirates, it took only one clean hit to not only kill the target soldier, but also caused their bodies to completely disintegrate moments later.
Boomstick: Considering the same aliens that made these also make keys out of lightsabers, I think I might have discovered the greatest species in the galaxy. Not you humanity, f*ck you! You know what you did.
Wiz: With this top-notch arsenal, Sarge has the firepower needed to wipe the Blues off the face of the Earth. But just in case brute force doesn’t cut it, Sarge has a knack for engineering and can build a variety of different machines to aid him.
Boomstick: Such is the case for his personal ride, the Warthog. Some of you may say it looks more like a puma or a Chupathingy, but… uhh… shut up. It totally resembles a warthog. And this jeep is a powerhouse that can traverse any terrain, burst through concrete walls, and strike fear into the hearts of many with that mariachi music it always plays for who knows why.
Wiz: That’s assuming nobody does anything to destroy the Warthog first. The Reds tend to be VERY irresponsible with it.
Boomstick: I’m sure they have really good insurance if they’re willing to crash it that many times. As long as it’s in the name of killing Blues, collateral damage is acceptable.
Wiz: Yet to no surprise, Sarge’s incompetence combined with lackluster subordinates as a leader prevented him from achieving his goal of beating the Blues. Oh, and watching Grif die tragically in battle, that was a thing too.
Boomstick: It wasn’t until one Blue accidentally killed their leader, Church, with a tank that sh*t getting real. Cause turns out Blood Gulch wasn’t just some random simulation battlefield to waste reject soldiers on. It was the secret hiding place for Project Freelancer’s biggest secret, an experimental A.I that just so happened to be Church.
Wiz: So when Church “died” he came back as a ghost and the incident ended up getting both the Reds and Blues involved with hostile super soldiers, evil A.Is, an ancient alien prophecy, and at some point Sarge found out the truth behind Red vs Blue and realized that the pinnacle of his military career was one big lie.
Boomstick: (*stares in silence for a second*) D*mn. Remember when all these guys did is talk about why they’re here and stuff?
Wiz: Yeah, it was a lot simpler before the lore sunk in and the story could be told in 5 minute intervals.
Boomstick: Now Sarge was broken by the revelation of his existence, yet like any true man he didn’t stay broken for long. With shotgun in hand, he assigned himself a new mission and set out to take down the corrupt Project Freelancer that ruined his life. Sarge wouldn’t be doing either thanks to a super alliance between the Reds, Blues, and even rouge Freelancers.
Wiz: Tough Project Freelancer might have considered him defective, Sarge proved to be one of the greatest soldiers the galaxy had ever seen. His sheer stubbornness pushed him to victory against impossible odds and he also managed to devise tactical plans that outsmarted the best soldiers of Project Freelancer from beta male Washington to top dog Texas.
Boomstick: Sarge could in fact be smarter than he lets on. Take for example the time he got a transmission from Simmons that perfectly sounded like nothing was wrong. With that little information, Sarge deduced that two Freelancers had captured Simmons, incapacitated two of his men, and phoned a medic to add to the hostage collection. He saw right through that trap and devised a rescue mission that worked perfectly. Where is this guy’s medal already?
Wiz: He’s fought armies of space pirates, robots, and time traveling clones and came out unscathed. That’s no surprise since Sarge is fast enough to dodge railguns and run through a minefield without getting blasted.
Boomstick: He’s definitely in better shape and ergo faster than Grif who once became target practice for his own teammates and had to avoid three sniper rifles at once. A typical sniper can fire bullets at over 1800 miles per hour meaning Grif was dodging projectiles moving over 2.3 times the speed of sound.
Wiz: Those are some insane reflexes, although Sarge doesn’t need to match that speed to survive the battlefield. He has tanked being crushed by his own car, rockets from a war machine, and once came back after being shot in the head with his only medical treatment being CPR.
Boomstick: Why would anyone use CPR to treat a bullet wound to the head? What’s next? Rubbing someone’s neck when they’re stabbed in the toe?
Wiz: Most impressive of all, Sarge once built a 10 megaton bomb which due to being armed near him and designed so that Sarge specifically could not disarm it detonated in his face creating an explosion visible from space. While such a blast would have turned a whole city to ash, Sarge somehow survived it.
Boomstick: No severe damage whatsoever, just the whacked out theory that he traveled to the future since the blast launched him somewhere far away. Look, Sarge may be a great man but he’s not the brightest. The man tends to overthink things and take ludicrous approaches to situations often making things worse than how they started.
Wiz: Such as using psychological warfare to fight a Blue he outnumbered five-to-one or having a majority of his contingency plans start by shooting Grif in the face. Heck, he once buried himself alive after believing command declared him dead because he assumed calling them liars meant that they also lied how the Blues sucked, and he couldn’t have that happen.
Boomstick: His senility is dangerously close to taking over the hippocampus. Yet it does little to stop the fighter within him. And eventually Sarge did find an enemy he could beat when he exposed the crimes of Project Freelancer, helped track down and kill its director, and lead his team to kill The Meta, an A.I enhanced monster man who was dangerous enough to track down and kill the best Freelancers.
Wiz: Plus he did complete his original mission of destroying the Blues… by technicality… he only deleted their information from Project Freelancer’s database. Though even after ending the color-coded clash, Sarge’s legacy didn’t end there. He would go on to save a whole planet from a civil war conspiracy and get promoted to Colonel, no name change needed this time.
Boomstick: And when Church’s clone/son thing started calculating possible futures from that point, he found one where Sarge would save all existence from a robot trickster god. Of course, there’s also the other future where things didn’t go so well. One where a new Meta stabbed him in the chest while trying to save a Blue.
Popup: Although the events after the Chorus Trilogy were merely Epsilon's simulations, they do take the character's history, personality, and capabilities into account. Thus any of Sarge's background information or feats shown in those simulations will be put into consideration.
Wiz: A tragedy to say the least, but there is some beauty in it. This act of selflessness proved that after so many years of meaningless hatred towards the Blues, he finally accepted them as fellow soldiers who were the same as any Red. Thus proving that a man disillusioned by many years of war can put it all aside and truly serve the greater good.
Boomstick: I guess you’re right. Although no matter how his story truly ends, Sarge will always be a real man who will see his duties through to the very end. Gotta say I’m really proud of you, Dad. (*awkward pause*) Why did I just say that instinctively?
Sarge: Agent Wash…
Washington: Son of a bitch.
Sarge: You just got-
Sarge fires his shotgun and sets off an explosion that interrupts him.
Sarge: Ah, damn it. I messed up my one-liner.
Death Battle![]
(*Start with that iconic guitar solo that started every classic RvB episode*)
LOCATION: BLOOD GULCH, INSTALLATION 04
TIME: 1200 HRS SEPTEMBER 1, 2559
STATUS: OCCUPIED (BY IDIOTS)
The sun burned brightly above the useless box canyon in the middle of nowhere. Wind barely blew, grass remained still, and the place seemed almost lifeless among the vast emptiness.
Well, almost lifeless…
For years, Blood Gulch had been a war zone between the rival factions Red Team and Blue Team. They would bicker at each other, scheme against one another, and sometimes, on very rare occasions, just when you thought they would never do it, they would shoot at each other with mediocre outcomes at best.
But upon discovering the truth about Project Freelancer, and a bunch of other sh*t that happened, the Reds and Blues put down their arms and made peace. Yet that peace could not last forever, not when someone still yearned for the sheer blood-shedding thrill of war.
That someone was Sarge who was currently prancing back and forth in classic drill-sergeant fashion in the dead center of the canyon. His men (and half-man) Grif, Simmons, and Donut stood as vigilantly as their half-wit minds would allow them as their sergeant debriefed them on their current mission.
Sarge: Men, this is the day we’ve been waiting for. After many years of my brilliant leadership and y’all constantly disappointing me we shall finally complete our mission and wipe those d*mn dirty Blues of the face of the universe!
Grif: Did you seriously drag us out here just to start this Red vs Blue sh*t all over again!?
Sarge: Quiet, dirtbag!
Grif: But we’re not even at war with them anymore. We put our differences aside years ago.
Sarge: That’s what they want us to think! The Blues might be acting friendly now, but I know deep down they are plotting our unfathomably diabolical demise! They’re waiting for the moment we lower our guard so they can ambush us, kill us, and take everything we hold dear!
Grif: Really?
Sarge: Yes, really! Which is why we’re going to make the first move! We’ll break the peace and kill them all before they even get the chance! It’s time to end this debate once and for all! It’s time for a DEATH BATTLEEEEEEEE… of Red vs Blue!
Simmons: Excellent idea and totally not-meta reference, sir.
Grif: Kiss-a$$.
Simmons: Hey, I’m just saying what we’re all thinking.
Grif: I’m pretty sure what we’re all thinking is that Sarge’s senility has finally gotten to him and that we’re all just wasting our time on something that will start and end with us standing around and talking. You know, the usual.
Donut: Speak for yourself. I have a feeling we’re up for some real fun today. Heck, I’m getting excited just from Sarge debriefing us.
Sarge: Right… Anyways, Simmons, what is the status of Blue Base?
Simmons: Well sir, I have yet to see any sign of the Blue Team’s tank, but their base appears to be both operational and occupied.
Grif: Yeah, but the only one occupying it is Caboose. Also, he can see us.
Sarge then turns around and sees Caboose, the greatest and dumbest of the Blues, standing on top of the base waving at them. Caboose starts yelling to get their attention.
Caboose: HEY GUYS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!
Sarge: WE ARE PLANNING TO DESTROY YOU!
Caboose: …NEAT!
Sarge: Umm… MAKE SURE NOT TO TELL ANYONE! WE WANT IT TO BE A SURPRISE!
Caboose: OKAY!
Sarge turns back around to debrief his team some more.
Grif: Nice save, Sarge.
Simmons: Sir, given that we have a major advantage in numbers-
Grif: And that our target is too stupid to fight back.
Simmons: May I suggest a full-on frontal assault?
Donut: Ooo! I could get behind a plan like that. I like it rough.
Sarge: Not a bad idea Simmons, but for a mission such as this I believe a more out of the box approach.
Simmons: Out of the box, sir?
Sarge: That’s right. The traditional approaches have failed us and Command never provided us with the proper manpower to defeat our enemy.
Donut: I don’t know what you’re talking about, Sarge. Command always had plenty of manpower on hand.
Grif: They sent us you.
Donut: Your point being?
Sarge: Thus to ensure the utter annihilation of the Blues, I turned to one of the oldest and most reliable sources for finding the help we need: Craigslist.
Grif: This ought to be good.
Sarge: It was there that I found just the man we needed: a mercenary who embodies the true spirit of an American hero. He’s fought in wars, has a law degree, and even won a nose picking contest one time. It was perhaps the best resume I’ve ever seen.
Simmons: Umm, sir? Not to question your decision, but can we really trust a mercenary on an extremely dated website to help us with our mission?
Sarge: Why not? He wouldn’t be the most incompetent person on the team.
Grif: Are you talking about me?
Sarge: Well I’m not going to name anyone in particular, except maybe Grif. But certain members of the Red Team, who are named Grif, have shown levels of incompetence never though reachable, which have been termed as “Grif Levels” of incompetence. In fact he, and by he I mean Grif, is so bad at his job it’s a miracle that he has remained alive and capable of moving his drastically overweight body to this very day.
Grif: I reached a new level of incompetence? Sweet. Do you think they have World Records for that? Because if so I need to make some calls like right now. If you would just excuse me-
Sarge: You're not going anywhere, numbnuts.
Grif: D*mmit.
This surprisingly long dialogue then got briefly interrupted by the sound of a mariachi band in the distance. More specifically, it was the radio of the Red Team’s Warthog which had arrived on the scene.
Two people sat inside the Warthog. One was the driver, Lopez the Heavy and the other happened to be the very man Sarge hired: The Soldier. Soldier jumped out of the Warthog and saluted his Uber Driver.
Soldier: Thanks for the lift, robot man. When I’m done with this, I’ll repay your kindness by teaching you all about the wonders of America and why you should speak it’s language.
Lopez: Esto no es amabilidad. Solo te traje hasta aquí para que dejaras de chocar el vehículo al intentar conducir tú mismo. Tuve que reparar esto 12 veces porque seguías chocando contra el mismo acantilado a alta velocidad.
Translation: This isn't kindness. I only drove you here so you would stop crashing the vehicle trying to drive yourself. I had to repair this 12 times because you kept hitting the exact same cliff at high speeds.
Soldier: Ha-ha. I look forward to seeing you again too, good buddy.
Soldier then marched up to Sarge’s side, got into stance and saluted his fellow men.
Sarge: Gentlemen, this here is Mister Jane Doe or as he is known professionally: The Soldier.
Soldier: Reporting for duty and ready to kick a$$.
Simmons: So he’s a soldier, and his name is… The Soldier?
Grif: A bit too on the nose, don’t you think?
Soldier: Nobody asked for your opinion, maggot!
Sarge: Heh-heh. I can tell you’re going to fit right in here at Blood Gulch.
Soldier: Of course I fit right in. There’s plenty of room in this canyon.
Grif: I have a bad feeling about this.
Lopez: De acuerdo. Ambos son igual de estúpidos. Como la gente que usa el Traductor de Google para traducir del inglés al español.
Translation: Agreed. They’re both equally stupid. Like people who use Google Translate to convert their English to Spanish.
Simmons: Now then, Soldier, Sarge said you could help us devise a plan to defeat Blue Team.
Soldier: Correct, scrawny man. I have worked tirelessly using all my years of military experience to figure out how we are going to break into that base and take down all those dirty Blues. And to rub it in their stupid Blue faces by also taking away what they value most! That’s right we’re going to take away their… uhh… what was it again?
Sarge: It’s a Blue Flag they keep in the center of their base. Protocol states that if we steal that flag and bring it back to our base, we win. They will have no choice but to repent their Blue ways and accept the shotgun to the face that follows, cause we’re going to kill them afterwards.
Soldier: That’s right, the Flag! Those hippies dare to wave a flag that isn’t American? Well we’re going to show them how wrong they are! We are true men! We are American!
Simmons: But we’re not in America.
Soldier: Not in America!? Are you saying you’re some sort of communist!?
Soldier takes out his Rocket Launcher and points it at Simmons, giving the latter about two seconds to fix his mistake.
Simmons: I mean… uhh… this is America! U.S.A! Go Football! Woo!
Soldier: That's a relief.
With the crisis averted, Soldier puts down his rocket launcher and goes into detail about his “brilliant”, and I use that term loosely, plan.
Soldier: Now before I proceed to tell you the plan, you will need to brace yourselves. Are you all braced?
Simmons: We’re braced.
Soldier: Are you in a comfortable position?
Grif: We’re all standing right here, perfectly fine.
Soldier: Ok, but are you pregnant?
Simmons: What!?
Donut: Well now that you mention it, I have been having these cravings lately-
Grif: None of us are pregnant! Can we just get this over with?
Soldier: Alrightly then. For this plan we will need all the weapons and ammunition available at Red Base. Which I assume you all have cleverly hidden nearby so the Blues would not see it.
An awkward silence fills the air as it becomes clear that the Reds did not bring any weapons aside from what they were holding.
Sarge: Private Grif! You were in charge of ammunition and were specifically tasked with bringing it all here!
Grif: And you expected me to do it?
Soldier then walks angrily towards Grif.
Soldier: D*mmit! What is wrong with you, maggot! I have never seen a do-nothing attitude this bad and I’ve worked with cardboard cutouts! I should snap your neck right here and now so you don’t screw up this mission any more!
Sarge: Don’t bother. Instead, we can use him as a human shield when the Blues start forming at us. Knowing that bringing the ammunition would have helped him fight back against a terrible demise will be a perfectly ironic death for him. And the best part is that I’ll get to watch it.
Grif: Great… Now I have to hear this in surround sound.
Sarge: Still, we can’t just storm Blue Base without the proper equipment. Private Donut, head back to base and retrieve the weapons and ammo Grif was too stupid and lazy to get.
Donut: I’m on it sir. Wouldn’t want our guns to empty out too early.
And with that Donut ran back to Red Base and would not reappear until the proper plot device was necessary.
Simmons: So what do we need all this ammunition for anyways? Seems a bit excessive just to take out one guy.
Caboose: HEY REDS! WHO IS THE NEW GUY? CAN I COME OVER AND SAY HI? I WANT HIM TO BE MY FRIEND!
Sarge: SHUT UP, CABOOSE!
Caboose: OKAY!
Sarge: So that’s what it feels like.
Soldier: That ammunition is essential to the most important part of the plan: the distraction. We will charge into Blue Base and distract the Blues by shooting them repeatedly.
Grif: Isn’t that basically killing them?
Soldier: Yes, killing them, the ultimate distraction. And then we will take their Flag back to Red Base, and then we will win, and then everyone will be happy except for the Blues because they will be flagless.
Simmons: But wait, your plan is simply to shoot Caboose? That’s the exact same plan I thought of earlier.
Soldier: Well clearly you did not think of it hard enough, nerd!
Simmons: That doesn’t even make sense.
Grif: Well I for one am totally down with this plan. (*starts speaking super sarcastically*) The Blues would never expect something as obvious as charging towards their base and attacking them.
That remark sparked something within Sarge. The plan Soldier proposed did not sit right with him and he began to grumble what sounded like an objection to the mercenary’s proposed plan.
Grif: (*still speaking sarcastically*) I mean how could they even stump a plan like that? Fire at us before we set foot in the base? Or maybe plan a trap for when we get inside? Now that I think about it, they might actually be expecting us to do this.
Sarge’s grumbling gets even louder as more and more flaws of the plans come to light.
Grif: (*Still sarcastic btw*) But none of that seems physically possible. I’m sure this plan is foolproof and in no way is an easy way for us to get killed by the Blues.
Soldier: Glad you're finally coming around, son. And with this strategy, we’ll be rid of the Blue menace once and for all with only minimal casualties. Which I imagine will consist of 7 bullet wounds, 2 limbs blasted off, and maybe one of you dying. I'm not going to spoil who is going to die, but here's a hint: he is fat and orange.
Soldier, oblivious to the sarcasm, gave a confident smile as he patted himself on the back for his ingenuity. But when he felt a hand touch his shoulder, he frowned knowing something was wrong. He turned around to see Sarge looking him directly in the eyes with a disapproving expression (Yeah, yeah. I know nobody can see his face past the helmet, but just imagine it, ok?)
Sarge: Hold your horses there, Soldier. I’m afraid your plan has a few holes that you and Grif didn’t notice. Those Blues are more cunning than they appear. The depths of their scheming ways know no bounds! They may very well have already planned around our plan with an even greater plan of their own!
Soldier: Nonsense! I’ve executed this plan countless times. We wait for the gates to open, charge into battle, and destroy anyone who dares to wear a different color shirt as you. In no time at all you’ll claim the thing they value most… or drop a giant bomb on it. Same difference really.
Sarge: That may work where you're from, but here at Red Base we can’t treat our operations so casually. We need to rework this plan from the ground up so that we’re properly prepared.
This time Soldier started to grumble at the mention of his plan being reworked.
Sarge: To start, I’ll have Grif and Simmons recon the Blue Base 24/7 for suspicious activity, Donut will prepare our defenses in case they strike first while we discuss a strategy to raid their base, and I can have Lopez build us a super weapon to deal with any heavy machinery the Blues are hiding. I’m thinking something that fires massive lasers from space and is powered by-
Soldier: BAH!
Sarge’s ideas were cut short by the sudden swatting away of his hand. The mercenary tipped up his helmet so that his eyes would be visible. And believe me those eyes were filled with anger. He did NOT like that his genius plan was being replaced by a convoluted one.
Soldier: That is the biggest piece of malarky that I have ever heard! Reconnaissance!? Strategy!? Lopez!? Wars are about fighting and they are won by whoever fights more! If you think your fancy preparations can actually help you then you are sorely mistaken!
Sarge: And you really think it’s better to charge in without thinking?
Soldier: Yes I do. Trust me, I’ve been in the military for years and fought the greatest wars in American history. If I ever had a dumb plan before then it would have killed me.
Simmons: Come to think of it, what is your military experience? You don’t look like a typical UNSC soldier.
Grif: Yeah. As far as we know, you might not be an actual Soldier.
A long awkward silence filled the air as the question posed by the two Reds went unanswered. But rather than admit that he was a military reject who was pretending to be a legit soldier, The Soldier ran up to Grif and kicked him hard in the nuts.
Grif: Ow! Whyyyy?
Soldier: That’s for questioning a commanding officer, maggot!
Simmons: But I’m the one who-
Soldier made a quick death stare at Simmons who made a quick “Eep” before realizing that he needed to stop talking.
Sarge: Shame on you, Grif! I thought you learned by now to never doubt your commanding officer! …Wait a minute, I’m your commanding officer.
Soldier: Not anymore you're not!
That declaration shook the room with “sh*t just got real” vibes. Sarge and Simmons stepped back from the man who talked down to the leader of the Red Team, Lopez gasped in Spanish, and Grif continued to lie on the floor, feeling too much pain to process the sudden shift in plot.
Soldier: It is clear to me now why I am here. You are a stupid leader who makes stupid choices. Which is why I hereby appoint myself as leader of the Red Team to ensure that we will get our stupid victory over the Blues.
Sarge: Insubordination!
Sarge didn’t hesitate for a moment to hold up his shotgun at Soldier’s face. The latter responded by smiling, daring the former to challenge his self-appointed authority.
Sarge: You think you can waltz in here and declare yourself the leader of MY team!? I’m the one who recruited you, I’m the one with the rank of Colonel, and therefore I’m the one who will lead the Red Team, including you, to glorious victory!
Soldier: You couldn’t even lead a horse to water, you pathetic excuse of a man!
Sarge: Wanna bet? I can prove to you that I am perfect leadership material. Name your game and I’ll win it.
Soldier: Then how about we see who’s better suited to defeat the Blues with the one surefire way to test it: Defeating the Blues.
Sarge: Sounds good to me. First one to grab their flag and place it in the center of Red Base will be the new leader of the Red Team. Sound like a deal?
Soldier: It’s a deal! And when I steal that flag with my superior leadership, I will take everything from you! I will have your rank, your shotgun, and your spacesuit! And you will be sad and crying like the mistake of nature you are!
Sarge: That’s only if you can beat me, and you won’t! I’m going to show you why they call me Sarge and put you in your place: beneath me! And then you’ll be the one who's sad and crying! So HA!
The two military men stared at each other intensely, feeling absolute rage towards each other. Leadership of the Red Team meant everything to them to now, all for the sake of their pride. But as Soldier and Sarge scowled at each other, the other Reds looked at them with confusion.
Simmons: What the heck just happened?
Grif recovers from his nut shot, gets up, and explains the situation to his friend.
Grif: I don’t know, but I think we don’t have to do the mission anymore which is fine by me.
Simmons: Umm… sir? Is this really necessary? We already acknowledge you as our leader and you do officially hold authority over The Soldier. So the way I see it, you don’t really need to risk your position by engaging in this competition.
Sarge heard his subordinate and turned to face him. It was clear he needed to know why this competition was necessary and hear why it was so important to prove his superiority.
Sarge: That is where you're mistaken, Simmons. There comes a time in a man’s life when he must prove he is the true alpha. The first of many beta males has risen up to dethrone me and it is my duty to strike him down to keep the other betas in line. It will be a fierce competition that will test us both mentally and physically. But god*mmit, I have trained my entire life to lead this team and I will once again earn my right to do so by breaking into Blue Base and taking that flag first or my legal name isn’t-
Grif: Yeah, that’s real interesting and all, but he’s already halfway there.
Sarge: Halfway there?
Grif: Halfway there.
Sarge turns around and sees that while he was chatting with Grif and Simmons, Soldier decided to start the competition. He was currently running towards Blue Base with Rocket Launcher in hand.
Soldier: I’m already halfway there!
Now that a certain cartoon reference had been made, Sarge cocked his shotgun. The tone of the battlefield got as serious as the (now pending) Red Team leader’s feelings.
Sarge: That cunning devil! He was already a step ahead of me! Using a distraction created by my own subordinates to get a head start was a genius move. But no matter, this battle is just getting started and I have not yet begun to fight!
Sarge ran towards the Warthog and hopped inside. His entrance led to him kicking Lopez in the face and out of the vehicle.
Lopez: Ow.
Translation: Ow.
Sarge: Onward, to victory! CHARGEEEEEE!
Sarge stepped on the gas pedal hard and the Warthog took off like a puma pursuing its prey. It made its way towards Blue Base so that its driver could catch up to The Soldier then get to the flag first.
Grif: So what now?
Lopez: Voy a volver a la base. Con suerte, esos dos idiotas serán asesinados y nunca regresarán.
Translation: I’m going back to base. Hopefully those two idiots get themselves killed and never return.
Lopez walked away leaving only Grif and Simmons.
Simmons: Should we go help Sarge?
Grif: Nah, you heard Sarge. This is his problem, so he can go deal with it. And in the worst case scenario, we’ll just have another guy in charge who at least doesn’t blast me with a shotgun every day. I say we sit back and wait for this sh*t to blow over.
Simmons: Are you sure that’s a good idea?
Grif: I’m sure. Now if you’ll excuse me, there are 10 bags of Oreos back at base with my name on it and I’m hungry.
Grif and Simmons walked back to Red Base as well, ending what had to be the longest Pre-Fight I have written in my five years on this site (previous record was 2490 words). With this hell finally over, let’s get to the part you were waiting for and watch Soldier and Sarge beat the sh*t out of each other!
Soldier: HUP, two, three, four! HUP, two, three, four!
Soldier marched his way over to Blue Base post haste. He made sure to look behind him to ensure that Sarge did not follow and chuckled when he saw nothing over the horizon.
Soldier: That idiot must be too busy making one of his stupid plans. And by the time he executes it, I’ll have already taken the flag back to Red Base. Victory is mine!
Yet the mercenary’s assumption would be proven wrong upon hearing the sound of mariachi music in the distance.
Soldier: Gah! Who is playing that communist music!?
Soldier looked back again to find the source of the music. For a brief second, nothing was there and then suddenly the Warthog leaped over a hillside with Sarge inside.
Sarge: Yee-Haw!
Soldier: What in the name of Washington’s wooden tee-
Unfortunately, the Soldier did not have enough time to finish that sentence as the Warthog rammed into him. While driving, Sarge took a moment to look over the steering wheel and see if the enemy was still there. Sure enough, Soldier was currently smooshed against the front of the vehicle like a dead bug albeit he happened to still be alive.
Sarge: How’s my bumper taste, numbnuts!?
Soldier: You call this roadkill, maggot!? You didn't even crack a rib!
With his Rocket Launcher in hand, Soldier climbed onto the hood and pointed the weapon at Sarge. The Red Team leader instinctively reacted by turning left as quickly as possible, and the immediate shift in direction caused the mercenary to lose his balance and by extension his aim.
Granted, Soldier still pulled the trigger which launched a rocket that broke through the windshield and shattered it. The rocket barely missed Sarge and flew past him, creating an explosion upon making impact several feet away. It was then that Sarge realized that his opponent carried some serious firepower and that he needed to fight back.
Sarge: So that’s how it’s going to be. Bring it on you son of a b*tch!
Keeping one hand on the wheel, Sarge pulled out his shotgun and took aim at the Soldier. The mercenary leaned to the side to evade the proceeding shotgun blast and did a few more times as his enemy repeatedly cocked the firearm and fired again.
In the midst of his dodging, Soldier decided to go for a counterattack and got his Rocket Launcher ready again. Yet Sarge was ready for the attack and hit the brakes before the mercenary could fire, making the latter fly off the Warthog without warning.
Most men would have crashed into the ground, tumbled a bit, and sustained several serious injuries, but Soldier was far from most men. During his midair flight, Soldier aimed his Rocket Launcher at the ground and fired. The resulting explosion propelled him high into the air and saved him from impact. Sarge could only watch as Soldier performed the first of many Rocket Jumps, bewildered by the improvised flying.
Sarge: What in Sam Hill is he doing!?
In this confusion, Sarge failed to realize that Soldier had launched himself in the direction of the Warthog. And by the time he noticed, Soldier was midway into his descent and landed right on top of the Red Team Leader.
Soldier: Perfect landing! And what’s this? That stupid Sarge had left his vehicle unattended. It is mine now!
Not even questioning the colonel’s disappearance, Soldier took hold of the wheel and hit the gas pedal. The Warthog sped forward under the command of its new master, then it halted out of nowhere, then sped up again while turning hard to the right, and stopped again, then drove some more only to make several doughnuts. Inside the vehicle, Soldier was frequently hitting the various pedals and turning the wheel like a lunatic.
If you haven’t figured it out by now, I’ll explain it to you: Soldier has no f*cking clue how to drive that thing.
Soldier: Aaargh! Why are seven pedals on this thing when there are only four directions!? Also why is one of these pedals a foot!? …and why is my seat so uncomfortable!?
Those questions were answered by Sarge’s other foot which literally kicked Soldier’s a$$. The kick launched the mercenary into the passenger seat and freed Sarge from his body weight. Soldier was surprised to see Sarge, having not expected him to be right under his nose (again, literally).
Soldier: (*Thinking: Dear God… He disguised himself as my seat so he could get the drop on me! I have underestimated how smart this man truly is!)
Sarge went ahead and stood up before reloading his shotgun so he could initiate Operation: Point My Gun At Soldier.
Sarge: Not a bad maneuver back there, son. But this Warthog is reserved for full-fledged members of Red Team. Not a scum-sucking traitor trying to steal my position!
Soldier needed to act quickly so his head wouldn’t be blown off. Thus he threw a strong right, hitting Sarge directly in the face and briefly disorienting him. The strength of Soldier’s punch knocked Sarge’s shotgun out of his hands and made him step back onto one of the six pedals which he continued to stand on while regaining balance. This put the Warthog back into action as it zoomed straight towards its initial destination: Blue Base, although both fighters were too focused on each other to notice.
The mercenary followed up his initial attack by improvising his Rocket Launcher as a melee weapon and whacking the Red Team leader multiple times with it. However, Sarge pulled himself together just in time to catch the launcher with his bare hands. He pushed the launcher back to hit Soldier in the face with his own weapon, returning the favor and making the mercenary lose enough of his grip on his weapon.
Sarge then yanked away the rocket launcher and tossed it out of the vehicle. With the enemy disarmed, he was free to engage him in head-on fisticuffs which he did by throwing several punches at Soldier’s face and stomach.
The mercenary soon made his comeback and landed a few punches of his own. Soldier and Sarge then clashed hard as their arms pressed against each other, trying to overpower the other so that they could keep throwing their punches.
Soldier: You cannot beat me! I have the power of God and America on my side!
Soldier ended up being the one to win the power struggle and pushed Sarge back. He then threw a really strong uppercut to his opponent’s jawline, sending him flying back into the trunk of the vehicle.
Soldier: Finally! Now back to action!
The Soldier smiled and put himself back in the driver’s seat. He managed to hit the right pedal this time and kept the vehicle moving at high speeds. Though Soldier was smiling triumphantly, the sound of a big gun getting ready to fire broke said smile. The source of that sound just so happened to be the machine gun built into the Warthog’s trunk, and Sarge was currently operating it.
Sarge: You’ve gone and f*cked up now!
Sarge unleashed the minigun’s barrage of bullets upon his enemy, who barely had time to dodge them. A few of the bullets grazed Soldier’s helmet but fortunately failed to pierce it. The Red Team leader moved the gun around to try and hit his target, but Soldier moved around the front of the vehicle to stay safe.
While moving, Soldier noticed Sarge’s shotgun on the ground and decided to use it as his own. So he grabbed the shotgun and hurled it at his target, hitting him in the helmet and disabling the machine gun.
Sarge: God*mmit! Betrayed by my own shotgun!
The mercenary took his chance and lunged at Sarge, tackling him into the ground. Those two began wrestling in the back of the Warthog, yet a more concerning matter was unfolding.
Because both military men had kept their foot on the gas pedal for so long, the Warthog was moving at ludicrous speeds towards Blue Base. With nobody on the steering wheel, the vehicle began to spin out of control though instead of heading to the base, it was set on a crash course with a large rock with the words “KEEP OUT! TUCKER’S ROCK!” written on it. And before either driver noticed it, the Warthog crashed into the rock, putting it out of commission.
Soldier and Sarge flew out of the vehicle. The mercenary landed face-first on Tucker’s Rock while the Red Team leader landed in the dirt right next to it. Neither were really fazed by the impact thus they got up fast to continue hating on each other.
Soldier: Son of a cussing cuss word! Look what you did! You crashed my car and made me violate the rules of this rock! This misdeed will not go unpunished!
Sarge: glad I’m not touching it… (*ahem*) My fault!? This is clearly the result of your immeasurable incompetence! The Warthog would never have been destroyed under my supervision!
Caboose: Hey guys! I’d stay away from that rock if I were you! I think it gives people pregnancy!
The two were caught off guard by the sudden voice of a third party and turned their attention to Caboose, who stood on top of Blue Base, which was only a few feet away. Suddenly, Soldier and Sarge simultaneously remembered why they were here and stared at each other knowing what the other was thinking.
Sarge: Well then, it seems we’ve arrived at our destination. Too bad this is as far as you go, because I’m taking that flag and leaving your sorry a$$ behind!
Soldier: I thought I told you that I will be the one who takes the flag! And when I do I will be the leader of Red Team and my first order of business will be to legally change your name to Private Twinkletoes!
Soldier and Sarge rushed over to the remains of the Warthog in hopes of salvaging it for weapons. The mercenary made it to the vehicle first and pulled out a Rocket Jumper that he left in there prior to this fight. Sarge then arrived and retrieved his shotgun and immediately aimed it at Soldier.
Sarge: Nowhere left to run.
Soldier: Who said anything about running?
The mercenary fired the launcher downwards, launching himself high into the air with a Rocket Jump and leaving behind a huge cloud of smoke. Sarge became blinded by the smoke and started firing at random, hoping that his opponent was still in range of his shotgun blasts.
Sarge: You dirty excuse for a soldier! Quit hiding and fight me like a man!
Meanwhile the mercenary was high in the air and beginning his descent. He looked down and saw Caboose watching him, yet making no effort to stop the incoming attack.
Caboose: Oh my God! You can fly even though you don’t have wings! This is the best thing ever of all time!
As Caboose remained mesmerized by Soldier’s flying, the latter pulled out a Market Gardener intending to go for the kill. He swung really hard and hit Caboose on the head, causing the Blue to collapse onto the ground motionless and showing no signs of- OH GOD! DID I JUST KILL OFF MY FAVORITE RVB CHARACTER!? WHAT SORT OF MONSTER HAVE I BECOME!?
Caboose: I’m ok.
Oh good, he’s alive. Anyways, Soldier made his way downstairs and searched for the flag. He eventually found it standing unguarded in the middle of a room in the base.
Soldier: There it is.
The mercenary ran to the flag, but once he stepped foot in the room, he was met by a fist that landed directly on his face thus knocking him back.
Sarge: Found you.
The attacker was none other than Sarge who had made it out of the smoke and successfully infiltrated Blue Base. After a successful ambush, Sarge followed it up by firing his shotgun at Soldier. The blow was successful, causing the first gun-based wound in their feud and blasting a bit of blood out of the mercenary.
Yet through sheer guts, Soldier had endured the attack with minimal injury. He looked back up at Sarge and prepared to fight back by jumping into the air and firing his Rocket Jumper. The rocket applied itself directly to Sarge’s forehead head-on and detonated and its recoil sent the mercenary back to a safe distance from his enemy’s shotgun.
Sarge on the other hand, kept his footing and endured the pain of the explosion. The flickering energy surrounding his armor helped indicate that he survived it mostly unscathed. The Red Team shook his head during recovery then saw two more rockets heading towards him and leaped out to the way. Those rockets hit one of the walls inside the base and tore them apart, revealing the wiring that controlled all the electronics at Blue Base (remember that now, it will be important later).
Soldier tried firing some more rockets, but the disappointing clicking noise let him know the Rocket Jumper was empty. He grabbed some spare ammunition and began reloading his weapon, but Sarge noticed this and took the opportunity to tackle him into a wall. Sarge attempted to shoot the mercenary’s head off using his shotgun, but Soldier blocked it using his Rocket Jumper which saved his life at the expense of a large hole being blasted into it and rendering the launcher useless. The Red Team leader quickly took advantage of his unarmed opponent and slapped him with his shotgun, knocking the latter onto the ground.
Sarge: Word of advice. Always call shotgun.
With his opponent down, Sarge walked over to the Blue Flag and grabbed it by the pole. He felt a concerning amount of ecstasy (to you, not to him) rush through his body as he took hold of what might have been the most important prize he had ever claimed.
Sarge: I’ve been waiting for this moment my entire life! (*Sniff*) You know, I had a speech prepared for this day. It’s a shame nobody important is around to hear it… oh what the hell, I’m going to say it anyways. Ahem, when I first met the Blues, I immediately hated them. I knew right there and then that I wanted to dedicate every moment of my glorious, and not entirely fabricated, military career to killing every last one of them and hearing them cry in agony as they-
Soldier: YAAAAAGH!
Sarge: I said an agony cry, not a war cry!
Though the colonel was frustrated by the interruption of his speech, it didn’t stop him from recognizing the scream and turning to see Soldier charging at him with a shovel in hand and some sort of wooden crate on his back. Sarge barely had a second to lift the flag out of its resting place and use it to deflect a shovel swing.
Soldier: Not so fast, spaceman! That flag is mine to steal!
Sarge: Oh yeah? Well you can have it when you pry it from my cold, dead hands! And don’t think I’ll make that easy, because I will glue it to my cold, dead hands if I have too!
Soldier: Ha! I was going to say the same thing when I had the flag. I respect your dedication…
Soldier then dazed Sarge with an upwards swing of his Market Gardener.
Soldier: But I still do not respect your authority!
The mercenary continued to use his shovel to pummel Sarge with hit after hit. He held the advantage for a while, but Sarge eventually adapted and blocked the attacks by using the flag as an improvised bow staff.
Soldier grew furious as his attack continuously failed to hit their mark and began swinging more violently. Although this also made his attacks sloppier giving Sarge the chance to dodge one of the shovel swings and counterattack with a flag thrust to his gut. The Red Team leader proceeded to go onto the offensive with flag strikes that hit his opponent all over. Any attempt Soldier made to escape them was thwarted by the flag whacking him from the direction he tried to escape in.
Sarge: What’s the matter? Can’t keep up?
Being constantly hit by the very thing he was trying to claim built up Soldier's anger over time, but upon hearing Sarge mock him, his rage reached a boiling point. The mercenary looked up at Sarge with a face of pure anger; it almost looked like fire was burning in his eyes.
Soldier: You’re the one who can’t keep up!
Soldier took out a conch shell and blew into it. An ominous noise echoed throughout the base, and from Soldier’s backpack, the Concheror, a white flag popped out to show he was ready for war.
Sarge: A war flag!? This isn’t good.
Sarge tried to end it quickly with another flag thrust, but Soldier effortlessly dodged it by demonstrating greater speeds than what he had shown before. The Red Team leader went for another thrust and when he did, Soldier reacted fast enough to grab the flag and yank it. This pulled Sarge towards Soldier and the latter bashed him with the Market Gardener dealing some major damage with that blow.
If being concussed wasn’t bad enough for Sarge, the increased speed allowed Soldier to land shovel swings at a much faster rate. Especially when the mercenary began hitting his head so frequently that the sound of the shovel on the armor began to sound like a jackhammer.
When the onslaught finished, Sarge had suffered a massive concussion and moved around dizzily. His grip on the flag started loosening and Soldier saw it as his chance to steal the flag for himself.
Soldier: I’ll be taking that now.
The mercenary grabbed the flag, but the second he did, Sarge's consciousness snapped back into reality and he began to respond with some rage of his own.
Sarge: I thought I told you that you’ll only take this from my cold, dead hands!
Sarge yanked back the flag, saving it from Soldier’s hands then kicked the mercenary hard in the stomach. Soldier got the wind knocked out of him, causing him to lose focus and leave him vulnerable to a few more flag strikes from Sarge.
After an especially powerful swing, Sarge pushed his opponent back into the wall with the open wiring. The Red Team leader repositioned the flag so that the sharp end was facing forward and charged with the intent of skewering the Soldier.
His plan of attack was foolproof, and by infallible I mean completely fallible. Sarge forgot that Soldier still had his speed-boosting Concheror and thanks to a healing bonus, the mercenary made a fast recovery and noticed the attack coming just in time to evade it.
As a result, Sarge pierced the wires with the flag instead and the metal pole conducted the electricity stored inside and transferred it all the way to his suit (told you the wires would be important later… granted this isn’t the important part). The Red Team Leader felt the full force of the electricity and started cartoonishly flailing around.
Sarge: AaahAaahAaaahAaahAaahAaaaah!
Look, I don’t know what someone getting electrocuted sounds like, just roll with it.
While this was going on, the lights around Blue Base began to flicker rapidly. The improper distribution of electricity messed with all the electronics within the base, especially those at the very top (Now we’re getting to the important part).
At the very top of the base, Caboose had gotten up from Soldier’s attack. True to his ignorance, he didn’t concern himself with being assaulted like that and planned to go back to doing nothing. But that changed when the base’s teleporter began to act strangely.
The normally green light emitted by the teleporter began swirling around and glitching in abnormal fashion. An image soon appeared on the other side, revealing a 50s-looking man in black and white that looked prepared to give some news to the middle of Nowhere.
News Anchor: We interrupt this program to bring you-
The man got cut out before he could mention a certain pink dog by another glitch from the teleporter. Another image appeared, this time displaying the glowing white eyes of an animatronic bear.
(*Insert that one music box jingle that plays before the bad stuff happens*)
Fortunately, I didn’t have to write in a jumpscare because the teleporter glitched again. But the next image showed something even more horrifying than an overrated horror mascot. Within a twisted world that lied between dimensions, a triangle man floated there all alone. He soon turned around and with his one eye he noticed an exit to his prison and gave a look of deranged glee.
Bill Cipher: Finally! An exit! My grand return has come at last! Weirdmageddon here we-
And then the portal glitched out and ruined the triangle man’s chance of escaping.
!OWTWEM ROSSEFORP SIHT ROF UOY TEG LL'I !SESRUC
After that sequence of unnecessary cameos, the portal stabilized albeit still giving off the dangerous glitches that aren’t normally there. Caboose blankly stared at the portal with only one thought that even an idiot like him would have after witnessing such chaos.
Caboose: That does not look good.
Soldier: A teleporter! Perfect!
Soldier then arrived on scene, carrying the Blue Flag proudly on his shoulders.
Soldier: Someone must have prepared it in advance knowing that I would triumphantly take this flag after that stupid Sarge fell asleep from doing all that ridiculous dancing. Thank you, unknown citizen wherever you may be!
Caboose: You’re welcome!
The mercenary looked confused as the man he thought he killed earlier had identified himself as the one who made the portal operational. Caboose, having already forgotten the attempt on his life already, ran up to the Soldier to greet him.
Caboose: Are you the new guy? It’s really nice to meet you! Oh where are my manners? My name is Caboose. If I knew that we were going to have new neighbors, I would have made you a banana bread. I’m sorry that I didn’t do that, but that is okay because I know that we are going to be great friends and we are going to do lots of fun things together like scrapbooking!
The second Caboose calmed down from his excitement, the air became filled with an awkward silence. Soldier stood there with a deadpan expression, not sure what to make of the enemy’s incomprehensible friendliness. But as his brain tried to process it, his gut said “screw thinking, just kill him!” and Soldier decided to trust the only part of him he actually used. And thus Soldier ignored everything Caboose said and swung the flag at Caboose’s head to knock him down again.
Soldier: If you know what’s good for you, then you will stay dead this time, maggot! That is an order!
Caboose: Ok.
Soldier: Very good! You are dismissed… from life!
Leaving the “dead” Blue behind, Soldier made his way into the portal taking the flag with him. Caboose, having not understood the mercenary’s orders, got back up right on time to greet the next arrival. Sarge soon showed up on the scene, having woken up from the brief electricity-induced coma, and was currently looking for the man who took his flag.
Caboose: Hi Sarge.
Sarge: Caboose! Where did that dadgum no-good dirty flag stealer go!?
Caboose: Oh him? Well he was here a second ago and we talked for a bit before he hit me on the head and ran into the teleporter.
Sarge: Using the enemy’s own technology to his advantage? That’s brilliant! Seems I actually do have some worthy competition for team leader.
Sarge pumped his shotgun and began walking towards the portal.
Sarge: But as brilliant as he is I ain’t backing down so easily. You hear that you b*stard? You can’t escape from me! I will find you!
Caboose: When you do find him, could you ask him if he still wants me to make him banana bread?
Sarge: Oh he won’t be taking that banana bread, or the flag for that matter. What he will be taking are these shotgun pellets that I will personally deliver to his forehead. For the glory of Red Team!!!
The Red Team leader charged into the portal, unaware of its currently unpredictable state. Caboose watched as one military pursued the other military man to places far beyond the limits of Blood Gulch.
Caboose: Ok. Bye Sarge.
Results[]
Wiz: The winner is...
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