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Sasuke Uchiha vs. Kyoko Sakura
Backgrounder (178)
Season 4, Episode 2
Vital statistics
Air date May 21st, 2015
Written by ParaGoomba348, and me, Kyoko Sakura, of course! That's right! *Crunch* I came back!
Directed by Anonymous
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Sasuke Uchiha vs. Kyoko Sakura is a What-If? Episode of Death Battle, pitting Sasuke Uchiha from Naruto against Kyoko Sakura from Puella Magi Madoka Magica.


Wiz: There are the idealistic, the powerful, the protagonists.

Boomstick: And then you've got the ones who might be protagonists, might not. Like Sasuke Uchiha-

Wiz: Ugh...

Boomstick: The emo ninja kid... and Kyoko Sakura-

Kyoko: Yeah, I'm here. *Crunch*

Wiz: Oh my- You know what, I'm done. I'm not even gonna be in this one. *The sound of a door opening and closing is heard*

Kyoko: Well, looks like I get to take his place.

Boomstick: He's Wiz- I mean, she's Kyoko and I'm Boomstick!

Kyoko: And it is our job to see who would kick who's ass in a Death Battle. *Crunch*


Kyoko: Sasuke f*crunch*ing Uchiha-

Boomstick: Sorry, but did you just say Sauce-gay?!

Wiz: *Bursts back in* Yes! *Laughs*

Boomstick: Hey Wiz! Can you help us out with this?

Wiz: No, screw that. *Leaves again*

Kyoko: Well then. Anyway, *crunch* this kid was sorta born as the younger brother to this guy named Itachi. And guess what? *crunch* Sauce-gay totally adored this guy.

Boomstick: So he's not only Sauce-gay, but also Sauce-incestuous?

Kyoko: Yeah... let's not get into that, 'kay? Anyway, then Itachi did somethin' which is a little questionable if ya ask me.

Boomstick: You consider MURDERING YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY EXCEPT FOR SAUCE-GAY just QUESTIONABLE?! Kyoko, you're kinda sick.

Kyoko: Yeah, say what ya wanna say. *Crunch* I guess Itachi didn't kill Sauce-gay because he didn't consider him "worth killing", and just wanted to see if Sasuke would one day surpass him. And then he started training with fellow ninjas-in-training Naruto Uzumaki and Sakura Haruno. All just to surpass his family-murdering brother.

Boomstick: Sasuke is adept in a fighting style known as Taijutsu, which is pretty much just basic hand-to-hand combat. And then he did some training with this snake-ninja thing, Orochimaru-

Kyoko: I'm surprised you were able to pronounce that correctly.

Boomstick: Shut. The fuck. Up. But whatever, this Orochimaru guy gave Sasuke something called a Cursed Seal, which gives him more chakra and physical ability. Like some sort of chakra steroids or whatever.

Kyoko: Don't do steroids, kids! Even if they're chakra steroids! Supposedly, you could compare this to Naruto's one-tail form, and gives him some sorta healing factor, buuuuut it causes him pain.

Boomstick: I'm tellin' you, Kyoko. Steroids.

Kyoko: Well, anyway, Sasuke's also pretty good at Ninjutsu, bein' a ninja and all. *Crunch* Anyway, holy crap this guy has a ton of weapons.

Boomstick: Man, and I thought there was nothing I'd like about this guy. Well, he's got a bow and arrow, which, at first, he sucked at using, but now he's pretty good at it. He's also got shurikens, kunai, a katar, which is a type of dagger, a mind awakening pill, wire strings, and a special sword called... the Sword of Kusanagi.

Kyoko: Sasuke can imbue all his weapons with his own chakra, which sounds cool but seems kinda pointless to me. Wouldn't it just use up his own chakra? Anyway, this guy's skills with these weapons are actually kinda-sorta impressive. His tactical wire strings can be used to control his other weapons, he's so good with a sword that he defeated a bunch of samurai at once effortlessly, he's got great aim with kunai and shurikens-

Boomstick: This guy can hide a shuriken in the shadow of another shuriken. That's actually kinda badass if you ask me.

Kyoko: Eh, that's... kind of impressive. But by far this guy's weirdest ability is to summon snakes from different parts of his body... he can also summon hawks.

Boomstick: He also... Madokadammit, Sasuke, why do you have more powers than Pre-Crisis Superman? Well, he learned how to use all forms of Nature Transformations. But we only ever see him use three of them.

Kyoko: Sasuke *crunch* loves to use Fire Release, it's like his favorite one. With it, *munch* he can shoot a bunch of *snarf* dragon-shaped fireballs n' stuff. The worst part? I guess he could do this at age seven.

Boomstick: He also has Lightning Release, which can make his weapons crazy-sharp and can numb his opponents with them! He can also use natural lightning, which is powerful enough to destroy a FUCKING MOUNTAIN, and he can even use it when he's exhausted! The problem is, he can't keep it up too long. Kinda like me with my ex-wife. I couldn't bear to stay with her.

Kyoko: That took... a somber turn. Anyway, in addition to Fire Release, he made up his own kind of Fire Release he calls "Blaze Release". He can control *slurp* movements of flames, *crunch* shoot out black flames you can't even put out, and can summon swords which catch people on fire. *Crunch* Seriously, who writes this crap?!

Boomstick: Yeah, that's a thing. Sasuke is also trained in Do- du-

Kyoko: Doojutsu, which I think is just something to do with his eyes. Sharingan grants Sasuke visual powers, allows him to see the flow of chakra, lets him hypnotize targets, scar people using the imagery he shows them, and lets him predict his opponents' moves. He can copy them *crunch* but it hurts him if he does it too long.

Boomstick: He can also summon this weird eldritch horror called Susanoo, which is a beast far more powerful than Sasuke.

Kyoko: He gets even stronger with Rinnegan, which is an evolved form of Sharingan. *Crunch* It lets him see invisible targets, transport himself or anyone in range, control nine-tailed beasts, and even absorb chakra! *Crunch* And he can turn it off at will.

Boomstick: And if that wasn't enough, Sasuke can run at Hypersonic speeds, use powerful chakra abilities with only one hand, and has chakra reserves for days! He's also pretty much a tactical genius who's known for outsmarting his opponents. That, and he's immune to poisons, can regenerate his body by... disgustingly... shedding his body... and... whew, that's it.

Kyoko: But then there's this crazy amount of feats this guy has. Get ready, 'cause this is gonna be long. He helped Naruto outsmart Zabuza, held his own against Orochimaru, but Orochimaru was holding back. He also survived the Cursed Seal, made it to the finals of the Chunin exams, fought and defeated Naruto even if it was because of Naruto's stupidity, defeated hundreds of ninjas, defeated and absorbed Orochimaru, defeated Deidara, defeated his brother, but again, holding back. *Deep breath, crunch* Effortlessly killed several samurai, survived a pretty much gang-bang, defeated Kabuto with help from Itachi, and most impressive of all, made it to the end of the series. *Exhales in relief* Are we done yet?

Boomstick: Well, Sasuke's got a ton of problems. If you didn't know already. He's pretty mentally fucked up, everything he does uses up tons of his chakra, his best feats were because people were being stupid or holding back, and he's very overconfident. Man, this guy sucks.

Kyoko: You said it. *Crunch*

Sasuke: If you think I'm just some stupid kid ruled by his emotions, then so be it... it's nonsense meant for those who don't know hatred. If anyone wants to deny my way of living, I'll kill everyone they cared about! Maybe they'll feel a little of my hatred.


Kyoko: Aw hell yeah, now I get to talk about myself! I can-

Wiz: And out you go! *Pushes Kyoko out of the room*

Boomstick: Wiz! About time you showed up.

Wiz: Boomstick, if Kyoko were allowed to talk about herself, she could end up telling us stuff that isn't exactly true. She could say that her spear is made out of metal and titanium, or that she can use a sword and freeze people with it, or worse. Anyway, as you may remember, Kyoko Sakura was just a young girl when her father was excommunicated from his church for deviating from the doctrine.

Boomstick: And then the totally evil Kyubey came by and made a contract with her, and she became a magical girl. But since this isn't your typical "go to school and save the world" type of magical girl anime, her father killed everyone in her family except for her.

Wiz: Deciding that she should only fend for herself, Kyoko devoted her life to two things: Stealing food, and fighting witches. She lived her life as a drifter and didn't care about anyone else.

Boomstick: But she sure as hell kicked ass!

Wiz: In battle, Kyoko wields a magical spear. Judging by Kyoko's height compared to the spear, we can estimate it to be at around eight feet long, the head alone being a foot long. But since this is a magical spear, it can actually extend itself to a maximum of what looks to be around fifty feet.

Boomstick: The best part about her spear is that, since again, it's fucking magic, she can make a new spear if she loses it or it gets destroyed.

Wiz: Indeed she can. Despite the fact that that thing should be really heavy, she can control its every movement with crazy precision. There are many ninja weapons which are wielded similarly to Kyoko's spear, but they all take huge amounts of experience and coordination to successfully use.

Boomstick: Speaking of ninjas, holy crap this girl could BE one! Just look at her playing Dance Dance Revolution!

Wiz: As shown in her battles with Sayaka Miki and later Oktavia von Seckendorff, Kyoko has very fast reflexes. Not only that, but she's so adept in her fighting style that she has been able to cut giant witches about the size of a large building in half with a single swing of her spear.

Boomstick: But what really makes her kick ass is the fact that she's really, really hard to kill if you don't know how to do it. You see that eye-shaped gem on her chest? Yeah, you should probably know by now. It's her FUCKING SOUL GEM. The nice thing about Magical Girls is, well, their bodies aren't them. Those gems are. So you can attack their bodies all they want, but as long as their gems are intact, you can't do a damn thing.

Wiz: The Soul Gems aren't exactly that durable, however. Sayaka's Soul Gem survived a drop from a bridge all the way down to a truck, but even being generous, it wasn't that big of a drop. As such, destroying her Soul Gem isn't the most difficult thing to do, but you have to know where it is or, you know, completely disintegrate her. One good example of this is when she survived near-bisection in a Drama CD, and healed from it rather quickly.

Boomstick: And just in case she needs to make it even harder for her opponent, she likes to set up a bunch of barriers which look kinda like a bunch of diamonds lined up in a fence.

Wiz: Of all her powers, this is probably the hardest to measure. We don't know if they can be destroyed or not, or if Kyoko can pass through them. Given her magical girl experience, it's likely that the latter isn't a problem for her, and the former... well, we don't know if witches ever tried to break them, so we'll just assume they can break after a good amount of punishment.

Boomstick: But by far Kyoko's strangest power is the ability to turn into THIS THING. It's called... Ophelia.

Wiz: Ophelia is Kyoko's witch form, and should it be tapped into, it increases Kyoko's physicality in just about every way. In addition, it gives Kyoko yet another environmental advantage, by creating an acid-trippy labyrinth which is almost impossible to navigate around her.

Boomstick: Madoka help anyone who gets lost in there...

Wiz: Ophelia also summons familiars, which are spiritual assistants of witches. Because these familiars run off of Ophelia's life energy and spirit, they are not outside help at all. These familiars also wield spears, and are similar to Kyoko in fighting style. They're slightly weaker, but they work.

Boomstick: But when Kyoko REALLY wants to crank up the power, she pulls out this gigantic spear which looks to be the size of a FUCKING BUILDING!

Wiz: This attack was enough to one-shot Oktavia von Seckendorff, who was shown to be a very powerful witch. However, it takes a lot of her energy to summon, and may kill her if used.

Boomstick: Oh... that's... not good.

Wiz: But you know what IS good? She's killed countless witches, survived being a lone magical girl for years, stalemated with Sayaka Miki, one-shotted Oktavia von Seckendorff even if it killed her in the process, fought against Walpurgisnacht, Kriemhild Gretchen, and Homulilly, and most impressively, helped destroy a labyrinth the size of Earth.

Boomstick: Holy shit. This girl's a badass.

Kyoko: Protect the one thing you really want to protect, until the very end.



It was a late night in Mitakihara Town. The Magical Girl Kyoko Sakura was standing on the rooftop of a tall building. She was surrounded by rather regular objects for her. A large paper bag of food, a collection of Grief Seeds, apple cores and Pocky boxes, the upper half of Renji's body...

But then suddenly, a mysterious cloaked figure jumped up on the top of the building with her. Kyoko turned around to see this man.

"Who the hell are you?" Kyoko asked, crunching on a Pocky.

The mysterious figure did not answer. "Are you Kyoko Sakura, Magical Girl?"

Kyoko sighed, then growled at the figure. "I asked you first!"

The figure unveiled himself to be none other than Sasuke Uchiha, the ninja. "Looks like that answered my question. My name is Sasuke Uchiha, and I will be your opponent."

Kyoko grinned, then transformed into her Magical Girl form and wielded her spear. "Bring it." Kyoko crunched her Pocky again.



Sasuke pulled out a shuriken and threw it at Kyoko, who swiftly dodged the shuriken by tilting her body to the side.

"Ha! That all ya got-" Kyoko started, but she was cut off as a second shuriken went into her stomach. "Fuck!" she shouted. Kyoko ripped the shuriken out of her stomach as blood splattered across the area. She then ran at Sasuke, with her spear ready. Kyoko swung her spear at Sasuke horizontally, but Sasuke quickly blocked the swing with the Sword of Kusanagi.

Sasuke gave a slight "hmph." and punched the girl in the face, then delivered a flurry of kicks into the midsection and followed it up with another punch in the face.

Kyoko huffed, then drove her spear straight into Sasuke's midsection. Sasuke's face became lifeless as his mouth spit out blood. Kyoko pushed the spear in farther, and the head of the spear bisected Sasuke as blood exploded everywhere. Kyoko grinned at the sight of Sasuke's dead body, then went back about her business as she reverted back into her normal state.

However, Kyoko was sorely mistaken.

While Kyoko thought she had killed Sasuke, it was all just an illusion. And Kyoko had no clue Sasuke had tricked her.

The real Sasuke appeared behind Kyoko, then jumped up and kicked her in the back of the head.

"Ow! What the-" Kyoko turned around, but before she could finish her sentence Sasuke had thrown a chakra-infused kunai into her throat, sending blood flying and some dripping down her throat and onto the ground. Kyoko growled, then pulled the kunai right back out of her throat as it healed back to perfect health. The magical girl threw the kunai right back at Sasuke, but he swiftly side-stepped to avoid the thrown kunai.

"So you can heal from your injuries... interesting..." Sasuke muttered. He ran at Kyoko again, but then some diamond-patterned fences rose out of the ground and created a sort of maze between the two. Sasuke quickly stopped before the diamond-fence. "That won't work." Without skipping a beat, Sasuke maneuvered around the fence and made it to his opponent. He jumped up in the air and punched her in the face again, then kicked her in the stomach. This kick knocked Kyoko off the building.

Sasuke was about to walk away, but then suddenly Kyoko jumped back up onto the top of the building right in front of him. "You were sayin'?" Kyoko asked with a grin. Sasuke sighed in frustration, then suddenly he was covered head-to-toe in bright orange fire. "Oh... shit."

Now covered in fire, Sasuke punched and kicked Kyoko in a quick and devastating combo. He delivered a tough punch into Kyoko's neck, knocking her to the ground. Sasuke then fired several dragon-shaped fireballs at Kyoko, but then she got up before any of them could hit her. She slashed at all the fireballs, disintegrating them.

"So ya think you're tough, huh?" Kyoko asked him, now more frustrated. She made even more diamond fences around Sasuke, but then the ninja wasn't covered in fire anymore. Suddenly, he was surrounded by blue bolts of electricity. Kyoko shrugged, then slashed at Sasuke some more with her spear. Sasuke dodged each attack, then pulled out the Sword of Kusanagi and stabbed Kyoko through the stomach with the attack and charged it with lightning.

Kyoko screamed in agony as the electricity flowed throughout her body, essentially numbing her.

"Don't be surprised when you're dead." Sasuke grunted as he channeled more electricity through the sword. Kyoko's grunts of pain and terror grew louder, but then her red Soul Gem began to glow brightly. "Huh?"

The surrounding area turned into a strange new area, which seemed to defy all sorts of logic. What was most surprising, however, was that Kyoko had now transformed into the horseman witch, Ophelia.

"Hmph." Sasuke made a few hand signs, and then it looked like he was covered in fire again - except this time, the flames seemed more intense. This was Sasuke's feared Blaze Release.

The two struck at each other again and again, with Ophelia's spear being countered by Sasuke's agility. Ophelia got one lucky hit in, sending Sasuke to the ground. Sasuke quickly got back up, and suddenly snakes began to slither out of Sasuke's body as the ninja ran back at Ophelia.

Ophelia responded by sending out... what seemed to be smaller versions of Kyoko herself. These were familiars. The familiars easily fought off the snakes, and then they began to attack Sasuke himself. Sasuke then sent out some black flames - and the flames completely engulfed the surrounding area, including Ophelia and the familiars.

The two were seen in Mitakihara Town once more. Kyoko was down on the ground, exhausted. Sasuke was still in his Blaze Release form.

Sasuke walked up to Kyoko, then picked her up by her shirt. "You're dead."

Kyoko sighed in defeat, but then she noticed something - her bag of food had been completely incinerated. Kyoko suddenly snapped.

"You fucking idiot!" Kyoko screamed. She slashed at Sasuke, slicing his arm off and then knocking him down to the ground.

"Wh-what?!" Sasuke was suddenly surprised. Kyoko held up her spear to Sasuke's chest, then picked up Sasuke by his own shirt. She threw him up in the air, then spun around her spear in a propeller motion and sliced Sasuke into pieces. The blood rained down from the air as his pieces landed on the ground. "Don't. Waste. Food." Kyoko yelled. She crunched on her Pocky and swallowed, knowing the battle had been over.


Kyoko grinned and reverted back into Magical Girl form... but then her smile faded as she saw another figure behind her.

"My name is Madara Uchiha, and I will be your opponent."

Off in the distance, a man in a red jacket was seen observing the battle.


Wiz: Holy crap yes! Yes! I approve, guys!

Kyoko: Eh, it was nothing.

Boomstick: Actually, Kyoko, as badass as you were in this battle, it goes without saying that you were in a hell of a lot of danger in this battle.

Wiz: Sasuke started off by immediately being slightly faster, as well as being far more versatile. However, Kyoko's spear and inability to die without the destruction of her Soul Gem meant that a HUGE amount of Sasuke's arsenal was useless.

Boomstick: However, Kyoko's diamond-fence and Ophelia's labyrinth weren't too useful either, because Sasuke is very adept against fighting opponents who take advantage of the environment.

Wiz: While it seemed Kyoko easily secured the victory at first, things got dicey when Sasuke went into Blaze Release.

Boomstick: At that point, he says, "Screw you Soul Gem!" He was close to seriously melting her Soul Gem if the black flames were near Kyoko at all!

Wiz: But fortunately for Kyoko, her own fast reflexes, as well as her own weapon and durability trumping Sasuke's, meant that she had this one in the bag. While Sasuke has fought against many of Naruto's strongest, keep in mind a lot of his powers rely directly on the chakra of opponents. Kyoko doesn't have chakra, which limited Sasuke's useful arsenal - a lot.

Kyoko: Doesn't help that he'd eventually run out of chakra.

Wiz: This is true! In actuality, this fight would have likely lasted a few days, but since Sasuke's chakra is limited, it would eventually run out.

Boomstick: Sasuke was doing GREAT until things spun out of control.

Kyoko: The winner is me, guys. *crunch*

Win kyoko