| Jotaro Kujo vs. Sans | |
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| Season 1, Episode 2 | |
Vital statistics
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| Air date | Januray 14th, 2016. |
| Written by | DayBefore |
| Directed by | DayBefore |
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Jotaro Kujo vs. Sans is a What-If? Episode of Death Battle, pitting Jotaro Kujo from JoJo's Bizarre Adventure against Sans of Undertlae.
Description[]
JoJo's Bizarre Adventure up against Undertale! The muscle of the Stardust Crusaders versus monsterkind's very last hope in an indirect battle!
Interlude[]
(Cue Invader - Jim Johnston)
Wiz: In the thick of battle, honor is often paramount among warriors, sacrificing even their lives to uphold that standard.
Boomstick: But some guys say "fuck it", and fight from a distance!
Wiz: In this corner, we have the man of few words but many punches, Jotaro Kujo, and his Stand, Star Platinum.
Boomstick: And in this corner, a skeleton who drinks ketchup, likes puns, and has a frightening knowledge of time and space, Sans.
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skill, to see who would win a Death Battle.
Jotaro Kujo[]
(Cue Fists of Platinum)
Wiz: Jotaro Kujo was living an average life as a seventeen year-old delinquent in Japan during 1987, until one fateful day during just another brawl, an "evil spirit" intervened to protect him.
Boomstick: ...If by "protect", you mean totally maim the guys who picked a fight with him!
Wiz: He soon learned by word of his grandfather Joseph that this power is called "Stand", a manifestation of the SOUL all but a few possess. Only Stands can directly harm other Stands, but any damage taken by the Stand is reflected on the user. And by luck of the draw, Jotaro got Star Platinum, one of the most broken combat Stands in the series. Only once his mother's life is threatened by the newly-revived vampire DIO does he take direct action, venturing off to Egypt to kill the Stand-wielding monster along with a ragtag group.
Boomstick: Star Platinum's power is being good at everything. Yeah, everything. Strong enough to punch through diamond, fast enough to catch a bullet fired point-blank, precise enough to perform borderline surgery, the list goes on! I bet you're wondering, what's Star Platinum's power? Punching! And... Punching! That's all he really needs.
Wiz: The drawback with Star Platinum lies in one fact: his range. It's abysmal, barely enough to go a few feet in front of Jotaro. Once in range though, victory is near-certain.
Boomstick: And he has two tricks to totally negate that weakness! One being Star Finger, a technique allowing Star Platinum's index and middle fingers to suddenly grow a meter or two with enough force to stab.
Wiz: And...?
Boomstick: ...
Wiz: You mentioned two tricks to overcome Jotaro's range weakness.
Boomstick: Dramatic tension.
Wiz: Wha-
Boomstick: TIME STOP, FUCK YEAH! The single most deadly technique in Star Platinum's arsenal, it allows Jotaro to what else, stop time for up to five seconds. During that time, he can tear ass, dodging vital attacks, delivering killing blows, and more importantly, getting in range, now dubbed Star Platinum: The World.
Wiz: Unfortunately, Jotaro's power did not come without a price. Post-Part III, Star Platinum's durability went from a solid "A" to "E", putting him on the same level of human durability if not lower.
Boomstick: He went from physical tank to glass cannon. Rest in pieces.
Wiz: Not to mention, Jotaro tends to overestimate his own strength at times. Case in point, the battle with Sheer Heart Attack. Quite possibly the first unambiguous loss Jotaro suffered, he tries to go in punching a nigh-indestructible bomb tank. It ends about as well as you'd expect. Combined with a dangerous temper, he can prove to be his own greatest enemy.
Boomstick: But when you're winning the other 90%, does it really matter?
Star Platinum: ORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORA!
Jotaro: Give me a break.
Sans[]
(Cue Song That Might Play When You Fight Sans)
Wiz: According to the residents of Snowdin town, Sans and his brother Papyrus "just showed up one day".
Boomstick: And boy did they make an impact! The great Papyrus, human-hunting extraordinaire!
Wiz: And Sans, his lazy brother. Guess who's more powerful.
Boomstick: B-But Papyrus!
Wiz: But nothing. Don't be fooled by his penchant for jokes and general laziness; Sans is arguably the most knowledgeable character in the game, showing hints now and then that he's wise beyond the fourth wall, perhaps even more than reality-warper Flowey. And knowledge isn't all he's got.
Boomstick: At his disposal, he's got bones, and lots of 'em to spare! Elaborate mazes, narrow chambers, he can do it all!
Wiz: His control over it is masterful, able to alter their length at will, even while moving them.
Boomstick: And if that wasn't enough Sans can exert control over a SOUL's gravity, bashing them wherever he god-damn wants. Probably should've spent less time sleeping though, since the SOUL can still influence the direction they're headed.
Wiz: Still, in conjunction with his bone manipulation, it's a force to be reckoned with. And then, his signature skill, the Gaster Blasters.
Boomstick: HOOOO, BOY.
Wiz: If you see the Gaster Blasters out, you're already well into "bad time" territory. On it's own, a single Gaster Blaster isn't all that impressive; it's a briefly telegraphed laser cannon that fires in one direction. The catch? Sans can fire a lot of them. They come in two variations: big and small, no difference in damage, but the big ones have a wider range and slightly longer charge-up time. That said, he seems to favor the smaller ones since he uses them penultimately in his special attack. Er, pre-"special attack", I mean.
Boomstick: Well, let's get straight to the point, what's his special attack?
Wiz: Literally nothing.
Boomstick AUWGH.
Wiz: It's one of Sans' debilitating factors, actually. Granted, Sans is a very competent threat once he starts acting, but the time spent in-between probably hasn't been helping him much in the combat department. Case in point, Sans is the only boss character in Undertale to show noticeable fatigue as he goes on, and his laziness proves to be his undoing during his fight with the Fallen Child possessed-Frisk. On top of that, his durability, not unlike Star Platinum: The World's, is also pretty garbage, enough to be killed in one strike, even.
Boomstick: ...Please tell me he can get around the defense problem.
Wiz: He can dodge with relative ease too. His legs are much stronger than his stature suggests, being able to keep up with a car on a highway whilst riding a tricycle.
Boomstick: Ohthankchrist.
Wiz: But we're not even done yet. All of Sans' attacks, save for slamming against walls, inflict Karmic Retribution, a slow-acting poison that reduces health over time, and the effect extends the longer you were in any given attack of his, though it's incapable of killing directly.
Boomstick: ...
Wiz: Boomstick, buddy, you there?
Boomstick: Dramatic tension.
Wiz: Wha-
Boomstick: SPACE MANIPULATION, FUCK YEAH! This one's a doozy alright; Sans keeps his lips tight about it, but he can't hide it forever.
Wiz: Oh, right. Though not explicitly stated, it's easy to infer Sans has some kind of power over space, teleporting away after speaking to him on a Genocide Run in Snowdin, showing off a "shortcut" to Grillby's all the way from Waterfall with absolutely zero transition in-between, and seemingly jumping from bone mazes to Gaster Blasters during his battle with, again, no transition. Further solidifying this, Papyrus states that Sans has pulled off pranks "across time and space" in his spare time. Though he himself says he has no control over the timeline, that says nothing about what he can do with space. All things considered, shouldn't this be a "time versus space" battle?
Boomstick: Nah, that's dumb.
Sans: huh. always wondered why people never use their strongest attack first.
DEATH BATTLE![]
Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set, let's end this debate once and for all!
Boomstick: It's time for a Death Battttttttllleee!
Sans swung onto his ‘favorite’ bar stool, sitting right in front of the anthropomorphic flame bartender. "hit me up with the usual, grillbz." He figured his old friend might have some anxiety about setting up shop on surface, so why not decide to drop in and give Grillby a familiar face to see? Grillby’s tensed shoulders seemed to ease up a bit at Sans’ presence, sliding him a ketchup bottle with a quiet nod.
CRASH! Glass shattering punctured Sans’ ears, if he had any, making him briefly bat an eye. Grillby looked rather concerned, peeking his head past Sans to check the damage, but not moving from his spot. He returned to polishing glasses, maintaining his usual brand of unflappable silence. Curses and the sound of thumping furniture grew ever louder, but the husky skeleton paid no mind to it.
“A-hem.” The flame monster cleared his throat, not quite staring at Sans, but just loudly enough for him to notice.
"what?" Sans grinned, glancing off to the side. Grillby’s head tilted downward, glasses gleaming as he met the skeleton’s gaze. He downed the rest of the ketchup bottle, sighing with pleasure as he savored the last of the tomato paste. "no worries, i got this." He bounced off the seat, looking for the source of the conundrum in the bar. Or, what remained of the conundrum. At the center of the bar, a man in a white longcoat and cap stood, his knuckles bloodied from other humans lying on the ground, knocked out cold.
“What a pain, I come here for a drink, and this is what I get?” His hands were shoved in the pockets of his white pants, turning around to meet the only other conscious patron in the bar, Sans. “Excuse me. You’re in the way of the bar.” He looked down on Sans with an expression that didn’t hold a lot of respect, which he would forgive under normal circumstances, but after he made a mess of the whole bar...
“hiya.” The skeleton waved amiably, but his intentions betrayed his tone. “listen, buddy, i got a good one for you. are you listening?” The man didn’t respond, brushing past Sans to take a seat at the bar. Sans turned to face him, still keeping his grin about him. “so a tough guy walks into a bar. bar doesn’t seem to welcome him, for whatever reason. he gets in a scuff or two, but makes it out alright. too bad for him though, that’s a couple hundred dollars in property damage. and yet, he’s still here, swaggering around like the next hit thing. so what does he do?”
The man raises a single finger to the bartender, about to order a drink. “he has a bad time.” With a snap of his fingers, a bone shoots out of the wall, going straight for the side of Mister Hotshot’s head, unbeknownst to him.
“ORA!” Before the bone even grazed his head, Sans heard the bone snap in half, cracking onto the floor beneath. Part of the table was busted as well, split open by what looked like a clean chop. The skeleton hadn’t even noticed, but within a blink, a purple humanoid spirit of some sort had manifested in front of the man, likely the cause of the aforementioned snap. The man paused, standing up and turning around to face Sans, glaring daggers into him. The guardian spirit mimicked its master, giving Sans the stink eye as well.
The skeleton glanced left, and then right, addressing both pairs of eyes. “cool friend you got there.” His curiosity was now piqued, realizing he was facing more than an ordinary human.
That seemed to get a reaction out of the man, raising an eyebrow. “You can see my Star Platinum?” The purple ghost put his fists up, looking utterly furious in contrast to his stoic summoner. “No, I know what’s happening here...” He took a step forward, exhuming a menacing aura with his mere presence.
Sans sighed. If he’d known things would get this ugly, he wouldn’t have left the house. His pupils silently illuminated with a supernatural blue tint, withdrawing his hands from his coat pockets.
"You will be judged."
“I’ll judge you myself!”
FIGHT!
(Cue Stardust Speedway (Bad Future))
Sans’ left arm shot forward, freezing Jotaro to the spot and turning Star Platinum a dark blue color. “see ya.” He flicked his index finger, sending Jotaro flying through the same window that he had broken earlier during his brawl. Traffic went wild, cars abruptly halting and crashing as the Stand user came blistering their way. “yup, that’ll do.” The skeleton’s pupils affixed to a stone building behind Jotaro, making for a perfect ‘cushion’ for his crash.
“Hm!” At the last second, Jotaro willed Star Platinum to appear, manifesting in-between the building and Jotaro’s back to immediately halt his momentum. The Stand user kept silent, eyes wide as he realized he barely escaped a brush with death from a small, chubby skeleton.
Sans stepped outside the bar, making an entrance in front of the flames of crashed cars. “man, you’re really persistent, y’know that?” His eyes were calm, eerily so, meeting Jotaro’s with a callous indifference. Keeping him in place, Sans strode across the street, all the way to the sidewalk until he came to a stop, about twenty feet or so below him. He sighed, still keeping a shit-eating grin on his face that bugged Kujo to no end. “i was really angry atcha earlier, but now...i think i’ll let you slide.” Keeping true to his word, the skeleton’s arm moved sideways, roughly and quickly sliding Jotaro across the various buildings on the block, walking him like a dog while Sans moved at an easy pace.
“You dick...!” Jotaro cursed, receiving a shiny new cut with each bump. It felt like the whole city’s eyes were on him, all stopping to gawk and stare at the spectacle before them. But it seemed Sans was far from done with him, snapping his fingers to summon a pillar of bones in front of Jotaro’s path. “Star Platinum!” He used the wild-haired spirit to yank him lower down on the building, avoiding the bone assault by the skin of his teeth.
“get dunked on.” The effects of gravity weighed heavy upon Jotaro, dropping him straight downwards towards the ground where a layer of bones awaited him.
“Enough! Star Platinum: The World!” Jotaro shouted.
Time ceased to move. The streets went quiet. Sans’ gravitational pull on Jotaro released. Star Platinum kicked off the wall and over the bones, making a less-than-clean landing onto the street. Five seconds. I’ve got five seconds to kill him, right here, right now. He inched closer and closer, dragging his bloodied self to Sans with a look of pure, unadulterated range. Four seconds. Three. Two... One. Only four meters away, just a few steps until he would reach Star Platinum’s range. Zero. “T-Time... Time will flow once more.” Color and noise both assaulted Jotaro at once, with everything returning to normalcy.
“ORAAAAAAAAAAAA!” Star Platinum launched forward with a furious cry, finally in range to deliver the mortal blow. Beads of sweat began collecting on Sans’ skull as he saw the fist coming his way, taking a step back.
Woosh. Jotaro blinked. Star Platinum stared blankly, unsatisfied with the result. Nothing had connected, save for the rush of air that came with the Stand’s punch.
“what? you think i’m just gonna stand there and take it?” His ears perked to that all-too-familiar voice behind him, when he should have been dead where he stood. Jotaro whipped around, Star Platinum at the ready, only to see Sans completely unharmed, if a bit tired, with two giant draconic-looking skulls at his sides. ““Now die.” A white light emitted from the mouths of both skulls, and Jotaro knew that was his cue to move. He forced his injured body to dive out of the way, ducking and covering at the earsplitting blast that would follow.
“Damn!” Jotaro noticed far too late that his right ankle was still in the blast radius, bracing for the immense pain that would come with it. But, when the vicious beam came and went, he found his right leg was entirely intact, shoes, socks, and all. Kujo stood and spit right there on the crosswalk, greatly unamused by the skeleton’s idea of a joke.
“That’s how you’re gonna kill me? Hitting me with a spotlight until I keel over and bite it?” His eyes narrowed, taking another step forward. Sans hardly looked concerned, counting something off on his fingers, clearly aware of something Jotaro wasn’t. “Nnrk!” When it hit him, he nearly crumpled to his knees. He saw his veins go from a healthy red to a purple, a sickly, burning sensation pulsating throughout his entire body.
“that’s the plan.” Sans said, looking over Jotaro with an expression of contempt. “wow. you’re really kind of a violent person, huh?”
[STAND NAME]
GASTER BLASTERS
[STAND MASTER]
SANS
DESTRUCTIVE POWER:
E
SPEED:
B
RANGE:
A
DURABILITY:
E
PRECISION:
C
DEVELOPMENTAL POTENTIAL:
E
(Cue Megalo Strike Back)
“welp, now you know my secret weapon. so tell me, what’s your game-changing strategy?” Sans asked, the Gaster Blasters hovering in front of him.
“Yeah, just one more thing I can do at this point.” Jotaro briefly glanced behind him, observing his surroundings, before nodding confidently. “Star Platinum!” Imitating Sans, he snapped, having the Stand bust open a car door behind him before hopping in himself. “Run away!” With the key already in ignition, Jotaro slammed on the gas, swerving to a less busy road to escape, leaving Sans in the dust; there was never a situation when the Joestar Secret Technique wouldn’t come in handy.
“eh, that’s respectable.” Sans spawned a tricycle, pedaling ahead at breakneck speed to pursue the Stand user.
Jotaro’s pulse gradually returned to a steady beat, feeling the poison within him dissipate as time went on. He kept the radio low, constantly checking the rearview mirrors for any disturbances. After witnessing Sans’ tactics, Jotaro felt he had every right to be paranoid.
“hiya.” His eyes shot to his immediate left, where the skeleton had managed to up to him with a tricycle.
“Give me a break...!” Jotaro muttered, eyes twitching in disbelief. He had expected Sans to pursue him, but wow. Before he could continue gawking though, a large Gaster Blaster appeared in front of the car, causing Jotaro to nearly veer off the side of the street, dangerously close to the populated sidewalk. The blast phased through the car, missing Jotaro by an inch. He shot a death glare at Sans, opting to ram his tricycle with the car once he maintained control of the wheel.
“nope!” Bones erupted from the center of the road, landing a direct hit on Jotaro for all but a second, before he careened out of the way, gasping for breath as the Karmic Retribution surged through him once again.
“B-Bastard...” His vision dulled, hands shaking from the effects of the poison. Three more Gaster Blasters spawned out of nowhere in front of him, and he made a sloppy right turn to evade them, headed down a sloping road leading to a harbor. He’s been lazing about this whole fight... If I can JUST wear him down... Jotaro grit his teeth, the Karmic Retribution driving him mad. Sans moved behind Jotaro, laying traps with small bones that extended the moment they sensed the car above them, putting more dents in with each successive blow.
“oh, i see where you’re going. need a lift?” Four deceptively tiny bones appeared directly in front of Jotaro, giving him zero time to react before the bones shot up, launching the car sky-high, soaring towards the docks.
“STAR PLATINUM!” Jotaro desperately cried, in the few seconds before the car would crash against the docks. The Stand’s eyes hardened, calculating the very moments it would take to save its master.
“ORA!” Star Platinum lunged, grabbing Jotaro and jumping out the open door, making a safe landing on the docks just ten feet before the car crashed and burned, becoming a fiery mess of scrap and tire just a few meters behind Jotaro.
“hey.” Sans suddenly appeared before him, with an audible pant to his voice. “friendship...is good. let’s stop fighting.” He outstretched a skeletal hand to the downed Jotaro, barely conscious. Deliriously, he accepted it, clutching his bony fingers tightly as he came to a shaky stand. “Sorry...About this.” Kujo blinked. One moment, they had shared something resembling peace, and the next, bones were poking into him from all directions, rapidly draining him of his vitality. “i just can’t afford not to care about that ability of yours; not with my friends around, at least.”
“...Ha.” Jotaro let out a dying laugh. Sans paused, addressing the human with some concern.
“Hey, pal. Do you want me to make this quicker? You’re dangerous, but I don’t want you to have to suffer.”
“Ha! Haha, heh... Don’t get me wrong. It isn’t what you think.” Blood trickled down his lip in thick streams, his eyes wide and his smile deranged. “I’m laughing because...You’re finally... Finally in Star Platinum’s range!”
(CUE STARDUST CRUSADERS)
“Shit!” Sans smile disappeared, but Jotaro was practically beaming, giving Star Platinum the attack order with a triumphant finger point.
“ORA!” The Stand’s fist crashed against Sans’ skull with incomprehensible strength, shattering half of it in one blow.
Announcer: K.—
“ORRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAA! ORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAAAAAAAAA!” With absolute glee, Star Platinum bashed, broke, and beat Sans over and over and over and over until the skeleton was reduced to nothing but a fine dust, blown away into the ocean while his clothes plopped onto the dock.
"Pap...y...rus..."
[SANS THE SKELETON - RETIRED!]
A sigh of relief escaped Jotaro, feeling the poison fully and completely leave his system. “Well, I guess you weren’t wrong about the violent part.”
Announcer: —O.!
Results[]
Boomstick: WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK!
Wiz: Though Sans has a lot more tricks up his sleeve, Jotaro's sheer ingenuity and usage of Star Platinum allowed him to survive as long as he needed to until he could have dealt the killing blow...s. That, and Sans blowing all of his energy spelled his doom when faced with Star Platinum's final assault, an attack he was arguably less prepared for when he dodged before.
Boomstick: That was overkill! Too much overkill! ...I need to lie down.
Wiz: The winner is Jotaro Kujo.
~ALTERNATE ENDING~[]
“hey.” Sans suddenly appeared before him, with an audible pant to his voice. “friendship...is good. let’s stop fighting.” He outstretched a skeletal hand to the downed Jotaro, barely conscious. Deliriously, he accepted it, clutching his bony fingers tightly as he came to a shaky stand.
“i'm...i'm going to grillby's. you wanna come? the drink's on me.
Jotaro paused, looking down at the skeleton with genuine surprise that showed only a little through his stone face. It had been a long time since he'd last made friends with the enemy. How could he describe it, that feeling that it left him with? Even Jotaro didn't know anymore. He blinked, before nodding slowly in response to Sans' question.
"Yeah...Yeah, I think I will."
The warriors walked off with the sunset in their shadows. Despite the chaos left by both participants in their wake, somehow, MERCY prevailed, giving just the slightest bit of meaning to the senseless brawl.
Announcer: Friendship! Friendship!
Author's Note[]
So, what'd you think? I took some creative liberties here and there, but I'd like to think it was somewhat well-written, to an extent. Feel free to share questions, comments, and critiques.