Introduction[]
Wiz: Manipulation comes in many varieties. For some, it means making others believe that you're sincere when you're actually deceiving them.
Boomstick: And for others, it means possessing control of elements, weapons or even human souls. Today's combatants are masters of both forms of manipulation.
Wiz: Bill Cipher, the treacherous triangle of Gravity Falls.
Boomstick: And Sans, the most powerful skeleton in the Underground. He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
Bill Cipher[]
Wiz: Gravity Falls is a seemingly ordinary town in the Pacific northwest United States, and is home to a diverse community of humans and diabolical monsters.
Boomstick: But somehow, in a town full of sea monsters, lumberjack ghosts and talking golf balls, no creature is more powerful than the dapper Dorito, Bill Cipher.
Wiz: After coming into being one trillion years ago, Bill Cipher was forced to reside in the second dimension until he gained enough power to destroy it. By burning everything within said dimension, including his own parents, Bill liberated himself from a "flat world of flat minds and flat dreams." However, Bill needed a world to call his own. Luckily for him, after the second dimension experienced its fiery cataclysm, a new world was formed: a hideous, fiendish land known as the Nightmare Realm.
Boomstick: When Bill discovered that the Nightmare Realm was another dimension of oppresed creatures, he decided he need to free his new friends. However, he actually enjoyed this world, and decided that burning it into oblivion probably wasn't the greatest idea in the universe.
Wiz: Bill decided to embark on a transdimensional journey and find creatures foolish enough to aid him in finding his nightmare companions a new home. He traveled to Earth, specifically Oregon, to find the genius Stanford Pines and trick him into building a portal to free his comrades. Bill is a master manipulator, and was able to offer Stanford a pleasing deal to dupe him into completing the gateway. However, Ford's project partner, Fiddleford McGucket, gazed into the portal and saved his friend from making a mistake that could have led to the end of the third dimension.
Boomstick: In the end, Bill's achievement of freedom led to the most prominent of his several weaknesses: it takes a lot of circumstances for him to achieve full power in our dimension.
Wiz: As much power as Stanford Pines would lead you to believe Bill possesses, he cannot create chaos in our dimension unless two events occur: either he possesses the mind of a human being, or the gate between dimensions is cracked open. In human form, however, he is not as powerful as he is in his true form, and sometimes he has to utilize the former power to achieve the latter event.
Boomstick: But if someone like Mabel Pines is stupid enough to open that portal, Bill is nearly unbeatable. He utilizes telekinesis and pyrokinesis. He can launch lasers, shapeshift, and even has mind-reading powers, as well as precognition of events.
Bill: I know lots of things! Lots of things.
Wiz: After defeating Time Baby with a single energy blast, Bill also controls time itself. Bill is also completely intangible on a physical plane. Only in the mindscape has he ever been defeated.
Boomstick: And while all these powers may make him seem undefeatable, he was tricked into his demise by a pair of senior citizens.
Wiz: This is true. When world conquest is at hand, Bill develops another obvious weakness: his arrogance begins to come forth, and he doesn't evaluate every potential situation. When Stanley and Stanford were able to outsmart him, it was because Stanley had the ability to perfectly impersonate his brother, and Bill didn't see the possibility that he was being tricked.
Boomstick: And while Bill can't be hurt on a physical plane, and even relishes in pain when in a human body...
Bill: Pain is hilarious!
Boomstick: ...he has been shown to have a weakness to interdimensional wesponry.
Wiz: The most notable example is the Zodiac, a drawing and formula developed by Stanford Pines that utilizes magic to cast Bill back into his dimension. However, it requires the union of ten specific Gravity Falls citizens. One is better off using weapons such as the memory gun or quantum destabilizer to eliminate Bill.
Boomstick: Which certainly isn't an easy task. However, if Bill becomes distracted by the prospect of universal domination, you'd better get your hands on one of Ford's special guns.
Wiz: But if you're not accompanied by the massive IQ of Stanford Pines, you're almost certain to be destroyed... or at least turned to stone. In any case, Bill Cipher has no remorse for any being except for his nightmare friends, and is willing to go to any extreme to rule the universe.
Bill: For one trillion years I've been trapped in my own decaying dimension, waiting for a new universe to call my own. Name's Bill! But you can call me your new lord and master for all of eternity!
Sans[]
Wiz: Buried deep below the surface of the Earth is an area called the Underground. In this region lies a multitude of dangerous yet oddly adorable monsters, shunned by mankind and forced to spend the rest of their days living in dangerous quarters. Many lie in wait for a human to arrive so they can exact revenge.
Boomstick: However, one creature stands out as the most inconsistent: Sans the skeleton can either be a human's best friend or their worst nightmare.
Wiz: Sans, the brother of Papyrus of the Underground Royal Guard, is ordinarily a friendly fellow. He's quick with a skeleton pun, partial to pranks, and is always ready to buy meals for his friends at Grillby's.
Boomstick: That is, unless you choose to embark on a monster genocide. The second you touch his brother, Sans becomes enraged and unleashes his full power.
Wiz: Which, at first glance, does not appear to be much. Sans can only deal one total point of damage per attack, and he only has one health point to live on.
Boomstick: But by God, does he make up for it with his incredible speed. His attacks are so fast that time seems to skip whenever he uses them. He can also avoid nearly any attack by traveling through portals he calls "shortcuts."
Wiz: The most useful facet of Sans' offense, however, is his manipulation of sins through Karmic Retribution. Most Underground monsters fight by attacking a human's soul, but Sans operates a bit differently. He won't fight unless you hurt the ones he loves, and he can detect the crimes of his opponent. He can make the opponent "feel their own sins crawl down their back" as the fight progresses. As a result, Sans' attacks deal extensive damage over time after they hit. So while he only deals one point of damage with every strike, it hurts.
Boomstick: Sans' signature "weapons" are his Gaster Blasters, detached skulls that fire harmful lasers. And as a skeleton, he can manipulate bones into traps that hurt his opponent.
Wiz: Sans has the ability of psychokinesis, and most of his attacks use the opponent's mind against them. He can also manipulate souls and alter gravity. He has an unparalleled awareness of his opponent, and can detect the amount of experience points that the player has gained throughout the game. He also has an understanding of the game's save file, making Sans capable of breaking the fourth wall.
Boomstick: He also has no mercy for his opponents. He'll even state that he's willing to bury the hatchet, but if the player takes pity on him, Sans will kill them instantly.
Wiz: Sans may be elusive and tough, but his biggest weakness is that his laziness isn't a farce. He is able to dish out damage, but he gets tired very quickly. He'll try to last the whole fight, but his Achilles' heel is fatigue. At a certain point, Sans will stop fighting and fall asleep, providing the player an opportunity to land the one hit they need to finish him off.
Boomstick: But there's no denying that if you mess with Sans' friends, you're gonna have a bad time.
Sans: It's a beautiful day outside. Birds are singing, flowers are blooming... On days like these, kids like you... Should be burning in hell.
Pre-Battle[]
Wiz: All right, the combatants are set. Let's end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: It's time for a Death Battle!
Battle[]
(Chaos has arisen in the small town of Gravity Falls, Oregon, where a portal of pure madness has formed in the middle of town square. Citizens had foolishly gathered to investigate this mysterious happenstance, and after they had all met, the demonic, echoed cackling of Bill Cipher began to fill their eardrums. The demon entered town through the portal, where he immediately began his rampage. After being smote by a human, he was ready to exact his revenge on all of mankind.)
(Bill spared no object in his onslaught. He burned down every house in sight and reduced the statue of town founder Nathaniel Northwest to ash. The screams of the townspeople just before they were changed into stone were blood-curdling. Bill appeared satisfied with his work until he detected a disturbance. He turned and saw a small rift in space-time. Miniscule, but large enough to peek inside.)
Bill: Well, I'm done with this town. Might as well take this war further out.
(Bill entered the rift to find a community of monsters rather than humans. These creatures did not appear depressed or anxious, like many of the monsters Bill had come to know. Rather, they were joyous, even while living in squalor. Bill was not able to comprehend their happiness in these conditions.)
Bill: This place is... weird. Even by my standards.
(Bill saw a sign that read "Snowdin". No explanation as to what the word meant. Bill was puzzled. Suddenly, he heard a series of footsteps crunch through the snowy ground. He turned to see a figure in the shadows, stout but ominous. Bill would not back down, no matter who came to challenge his reign of terror. This puny challenger would be no exception.)
...
...
...
(Suddenly, the figure stretched his hand out. Bill was confused, until the skeleton spoke.)
Sans: Hey, buddy. Nice to see a new face... or, a new eyeball in this case. We haven't seen a newcomer in quite some time.
Bill: Listen, shorty. I want some answers. Who are you, and what is this place?
Sans: Relaaax, man. This is supposed to be a friendly place. Name's Sans. Sans the Skeleton. Welcome to the Underground. I've kind of been a leader around these parts since Asgore was killed.
Bill: Hmm, so you're the one who keeps order around here? Well, I live for DISORDER!
Sans: Take it easy, man. Everyone around here is having a good time. Let me help you unwind. What helps you calm down?
Bill: KILLING THE INNOCENT.
(Bill fires a laser at Sans, who dodges the ember by passing through a shortcut. Immediately, Sans' eye lights up.)
Sans: ... Your sins. They cannot be forgiven. The pennance for your crimes... is DEATH.
Bill: Bring it on, bonehead!
FIGHT!
(Bill begins to cast fireballs at Sans, but he is able to avoid them all. Sans appears behind Bill and hits him with a bone faster than Bill can detect. Bill winces in pain.)
Bill: OW! That actually hurt!
Sans: Trust me, it's only gonna get worse.
(Sans casts a multitude of bones and fires them all at Bill. Bill is able to deflect them all with eye lasers.)
Bill: You'll never defeat me, you puny sack of bones!
(Bill fires an eye laser across the ground, which Sans teleports away from.)
Bill: (looking around) Stop disappearing so I can kill you!
Sans: No bones about it, you haven't got a chance.
(Bill turns to see that Sans is directly to his left.)
Bill: WHAT?!
(Bill is hit with four bones in quick succession and knocked to the ground.)
Bill: Ugh... what is this feeling? I feel... drained.
Sans: Those are your sins. They're crawling down your back. Their presence signals the end of one's destruction.
Bill: No! I don't care what I feel, I will not be stopped!
(Bill continues to shoot fireballs, and follows them up with a gigantic pyro blast. The houses of Snowdin have been set ablaze.)
Bill: (sighs) Welp... I think that got him.
Sans: (appears before him) Don't be so sure.
Bill: How are you doing this?!
Sans: Hmm, it appears that you've wiped out the population of Snowdin. Your sins only continue to grow. And as your sins pile up, my power increases.
Bill: (visibly frustrated) It doesn't matter! I am the ruler of all four and a half dimensions! Nobody can best me! Eat energy!
(Bill rapidly fires a series of finger and eye lasers at Sans. Sans is able to dodge them all and approach Sans simultaneously.)
Sans: You know, all this dodging is starting to tire me out. Maybe you should stop...
(Bill casts an inferno from his fingertips and burns all the snow within a large radius. A burnt circle of soil surrounds Bill.)
Sans: (reappearing in front of Bill) So be it.
(Sans' eye lights up once more, and Bill begins to blink in and out of existence.)
Bill: Not again! What did you do?
(Bill becomes trapped within a white circle equal in size to the area he had just torched.)
Bill: Oh great, where am I now?
Sans: Welcome to... the BONE ZONE.
(Sans appears on top of the circle in a style remniscent of an Undertale battle.)
Bill: When I get out of here, I'm going to destroy you!
Sans: Heheh... but that's the thing... You're not going to make it out of here... ALIVE.
(Sans calls forth a wave of Gaster Blasters and surrounds the Bone Zone with them. They fire in quick succession at Bill, who is able to dodge them all.)
Bill: Hahahaha! You're not the only one who can dodge lasers here!
Sans: You may be quick, but can you deal with THIS?
(Sans sends many large bones into motion. Bill doesn't react quickly enough and is hit multiple times. Sans then takes control of Bill's body for a brief period, moving his arm around and causing Bill to fly in all directions. Bill continually winces in pain as he bumps into the border. Finally, Sans breaks into a sweat and throws him into the west wall of the circle, where a giant Gaster Blaster is waiting for him.)
Sans: And now, Karma strikes.
(The large Blaster charges its laser at Bill, and as it fires, Bill becomes enraged and launches a menacing eye laser. Bill's beam is far stronger than the Gaster Blaster's, and the skull is destroyed.)
Bill: Enough!
(Bill takes his gigantic pyramid form, which exceeds the size of the pit and destroys the Bone Zone. The blast sends Sans flying into a patch of snowy ground.)
Sans: Ugh... He's too strong.
Bill: (in a demonic voice) Not so tough outside of your domain, huh?
Sans: I have one more trick up my blue sweatshirt sleeve...
(Sans' eye not only lights up, but begins to flash.)
Sans: It's time I used my Special Attack.
Bill: (in a sarcastic demonic voice) Wow, I'm so scared! Look at me, short stack! I am a God! In this form, I am the creator! I am the destroyer! I have eradicated gods, goddesses, and all the mere creatures who have stood in my way! I am...
(The camera zooms out to reveal a legion of Gaster Blasters surrounding him.)
Bill: (in a demonic voice) You cannot be serious.
(The Gaster Blasters close in on Bill, and fire one at a time. The light appearing from this onslaught of lasers is blinding to the naked eye. Sans stands outside of the vivid scene with his eyes closed due to the horrendous glare.)
Sans: Well, I can't really see what's going on in there... but I'm sure he's finished. And... I'm so tired.
(As the lasers continue to fire, Sans begins to doze off. However, Bill is able to stop time just as all the Blasters fire at the same time. The lasers are just inches from his incorporeal body. Bill flies to appear just in front of the sleeping Sans. Waking Sans up, Bill places his hand on the skeleton's head. The camera pans into Sans' eye. A black and white recreation of the previous scene appears, but this time we get a glimpse at Bill. As the first laser fired off, Bill was able to shift the structure of his ultimate form so the laser passed straight through him. He did so for all the lasers fired in succession. When the brief cease-fire occurred so all the lasers could fire at once, Bill was able to react. Just as Bill stops time in the flashback, the camera pans back out.)
Bill: I gotta HAND it to you. This fight was a real BLAST.
(With his hand still on Sans' head, Bill fires a laser straight down, causing Sans' skull to split in half, and the rest of his bones to scatter across the ruins of Snowdin. The remains of Sans instantly fade as they hit the ground.)
Bill: Whew.
(Bill reopens the rift to the surface of the Earth, ready to continue his path of destruction.)
Post-Battle[]
K.O.!
Boomstick: Headshot! Killing spree!
Wiz: This fight wasn't much of a toss-up at all. While it's true that Sans is incredibly fast, if he believes that the fight is over, his laziness will become his downfall.
Boomstick: And it's not just Sans' weaknesses that made this Bill's fight. Bill is a demon of unimaginable power when the rift between dimensions is opened. He could only be stopped in the mind of Stanley Pines, and Sans didn't possess any of the futuristic weaponry specifically made to defeat Bill.
Wiz: Therefore, Bill's strengths were the driving force behind this match. Don't get me wrong, Sans' Gaster Blasters may or may not have given him the means to put Bill down. However, Bill's manipulation of space, time and reality made these tactics of Sans' irrelevant after enough exposure. Sans may possess a keen awareness of his opponent, but it's clear that while Bill is completely insane, he's also far smarter than the silly skeleton. Bill has had a trillion years to gain knowledge, and he's employed it through his cleverness and trickery. Sans' attempt at deceiving a human into their demise was in vain because of their Determination, and Bill appears to have been able to work around this power. Making Bill smarter, stronger and more experienced than Sans, while Sans only had the speed advantage, which was neutralized by his laziness.
Boomstick: I'm sure this wasn't a HUMERUS fight for Undertale fans, but believe me, we're not just RIBBING you guys. The debonair demon is the clear winner here.
Wiz: The winner is Bill Cipher.
Next Time on Death Battle[]
(The screen fades to black, and the sound of a vehicle engine fills your speakers. Suddenly, you can make out a haunting but familiar tune. Perhaps something from your childhood. A flame immediately ignites, revealing the frightening visage of a clown. But the flame is... on top of its head? You recognize the song as Pop Goes the Weasel, the song you remember from your favorite ice cream truck, as the screen fades to black again.)
SWEET TOOTH