| Salem vs Salem | |
|---|---|
| |
| Season | 1 |
| Overall Episode | 4 |
| Season Episode | 4 |
| Air date | 9/6/2022 |
| Written by | Scarecrow640 |
| Episode guide | |
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Connections: both are known as Salem, both are witches who are a lot older than they seem, both were cursed by the beings with the most power in their universe (the gods and the witches council), both have a bunch of followers, both attempted to take control over the world but it ended horribly, the main character of their show is a very excitable and powerful teenage girl (Sabrina and ruby) and one of the main characters in their show is what the other is (Sabrina is a witch like Salem while Blake is a black cat Faunus while Salem is just a black cat)
Intro[]
sheldon: there have been many moments in history the we humans look down upon with great level of regret.
deadpool: yeah, the world wars, the segregation, a whole lot of other stuff.
sheldon: and one of the earliest would have to be the salem witch trials.
deadpool: so why the heck did we name to evil witches after it, probably to just spit in their faces.
sheldon: salem saberhagen, the snarky cat of Sabrina.
deadpool: and salem, the immortal witch of rwby.
its their job to analyse their stats, skills and equipment to find out who would win a death battle.
Salem (RWBY)[]
sheldon: somewhere out there is a distant other world known as remnant, its actually a lot like earth except for a few things, dust is overpowered, there are animal people and everyone has powers, but probably the biggest difference would be the Grimm, great monsters powered by hatred, but where exactly do they come from, are they truly purely mindless or is someone actually controlling them.
deadpool: enter salem,
sheldon: Salem pretty much had an absolutely terrible childhood, you see during her birth her mother ended up dying, and because of this her father decided to lock her in a tower to keep her safe from, well, everything.
deadpool: while dad did visit her on occasion by the time of her sixteenth birthday it became clear to her that he didn’t see her as a person, but more as an object, so what did she do about that, write a story, seriously.
sheldon: within the story she talked about how she was an innocent girl trapped in a tower by a tyrant.
deadpool: in other words, “come save me and i’ll give you sex”, so of course hundreds rushed for it, sadly her father was tough and there was a chance most of them were dweebs who struggle to get ladies, except for one.
sheldon: a great man with a mastery over magic, otherwise known as ozma, though he would later be known as ozpin.
deadpool: anyway the two instantly hit it off, however before they could really do anything oz became very sick and ended up dying, so she decided to get him back with a bonus of turning the gods against each other, however again this resulted in his death again, not only that but they decided to make her immortal as a wee screw you so she couldn’t reunite with him, yeah just like every other god these ones are jerks.
sheldon: however she would use this to her advantage showing off these new powers and rallying a veritable army to defy the gods this time, but as they marched to it the gods simply wiped them all out, except for salem.
deadpool: yeah after all this she finally gave up and attempted to kill herself by throwing herself into the pools of Grimm, the things the Grimm came from and that kills anything that enters, except for salem.
sheldon: instead something different happened, it changed her, they pretty much just decided to turn her into the queen of the Grimm, with this she gained a new resolve, to gain control over all of it, however she would still face opposition… from ozpin who had came back to life, but she held the abilities to stop the opposition with low difficulty.
deadpool: starting with that one ability we already mentioned: immortality, with this she cannot age, is immune to being poisoned, and well basically can survive anything really, which obviously means healing factor, which is so good that it lets her regenerate from being fully atomised by an explosion stated to be comparable to a small nuke, or roughly well over a hundred kilotons, heck she also regenerated from a blow that wiped all humans from the face of the earth, though she was also atomised by that other attack so that doesn’t equate to durability.
sheldon: and being merged with the Grimm pool granted her the power of them, specifically we mean she is much stronger, being capable of easily tossing a massive stone table, about two tons of tnt, though she is much likely a lot stronger scaling to the other Grimm which can casually wreck massive buildings with a charge, about thirty tons of tnt.
Deadpool: the Grimm also scale to other hunters and huntresses, like sun wukong (not to be confused with the mythological version many of these characters are based on story characters) who is able to dodge lighting.
sheldon: she can also control the Grimm, massive monsters of pure evil that are either in the form of bears, wolves, birds, and building sized scorpions, but she also has her own creation, the hound, which can regenerate limbs, stretch them, grow extra limbs or wings and is quite smart and a good hunter.
deadpool: as well as Grimm she also controls the Grimm liquid, you know the super deadly stuff that kills anyone it touch’s, and she can toss it hard enough to break hard light
sheldon: but one the deadliest ones it gives her are the shadow hands, massive extended limbs she can summon out to restrain her opponent, inflict pain, and even steal the magic of the maidens.
deadpool: the other Grimm powers she has include stretching her limbs, shooting out a sticky tar like substance and astral projecting through other Grimm, but her Grimm powers aren’t all she has as she is also very adept in magic.
sheldon: she can create electricity, cyclones that can stop foes or help her move around, create images in smoke or move around as it, and can utilise telekinesis to crush her opponents or send out shockwaves and with a crystal ball she can see where they are.
deadpool: but lets be honest her main attacks can be summed up with laser attacks, she can fire either balls of it to makes explosions or beams of it to cut through her opponents, oh and she can fly.
sheldon: but one of her greatest assets is her mind, she is a master at making experiments to vastly improve her Grimm, including how she hand made the hound, and she is also really good at manipulating others, like when she turned all of humanity against the gods.
deadpool: however she has several weaknesses, she will often underestimate her opponents and prefers trying to manipulate and corrupt them rather than straight up kill them.and when its great damage she usually takes several hours to regenerate.
sheldon: however there is a reason she is one of remnants greatest threats, so be wary should you have to face the queen of the Grimm.
Salem (Sabrina)[]
sheldon: witches, beings with great magical power that we talk about in fiction and make believe, however as it turns out they also live among us, though they did come from another dimension.
deadpool: yeah and while true that most just want peaceful lives without much problem there are some who wish to use their powers to control the world, and one of them was one salem saberhagen.
sheldon: not much is known about salem except for a few things, he was mistreated in a magic high school, he was temporarily married, he had a daughter, and his high school rush one upped him and tried to take over the universe.
deadpool: anyway sometime after by about when he was just over 400 years old, the guy had managed to get himself a veritable army to try to seize control over earth, which was when the witches council decided to finally step in and stop him, as a punishment he was cursed to spend one hundred years as a cat under the care of one of his members, Hilda spellman.
sheldon: they would go to live in a house along with her sister, Zelda, and later on their niece, Sabrina, the half human teenage witch, and with this the group as well as several others would go on multiple random and weird adventures, and eventually salem would improve, becoming a much better person, as well as being comic relief for everyone, but due to that he gained a large amount of feats.
deadpool: got that right, the guys strong enough to knock over grown men, including massive wrestlers, scarecrows that he knocked right through a wall of hey and even other witches, for reference one witch was strong enough to yank a star out of the sky and easily hold it up.
sheldon: and a star ways 4 billion tons so moving it millions of light years would most likely require a force entering hundreds of FOE, and he has casually tanked hits from serious and much more powerful witches but if that doesn’t seem believable he has tanked a hit from someone whose movements were capable of shaking and almost wrecking the entire lower half of Manhattan, which another user has confirmed would be about 1.5 megatons.
deadpool: which is helped by his regeneration, this has allowed him to survive beheading, having his organs removed or crushed and even having his body torn to shreds.
sheldon: his survivability is further helped by his brains and speed, in terms of brains he has successfully outwitted multiple other people including Zelda, who has an iq within the thousands, not to mention he can start a civil war on another planet with a single call. And in terms of speed he has reacted to and surprise attacked Sabrina several times, who can fly to the witch realm in minutes, which is stated to be millions of light years away.
deadpool: he also has other natural abilities caused by being a cat, for example he has the obvious thing of claws, which can be used to lockpick or scratch with a strength good enough to tear through stone, he is also really good at jumping, capable of going to the roof of a house in a single leap.
sheldon: he has also shown to have kept access to small level magic like phasing through doors, or there’s the fact that on some days the sight of him can stun a person, not to mention in the cartoon he could teleport, but he also has an arsenal to let him use some of the other stuff as well.
deadpool: starting with the more normal people based arsenal salem has access to multiple construction tools, like electric screwdrivers, which pack enough force to launch him across the room, or a spoon, which he can use to tunnel through several meters of stone in seconds, he also has hammers, knifes, forks and normal screwdrivers, heck he can even use stilts to give himself a human disguise.
sheldon: he even has a toy police car he can enter to drive that he controls with a portable controller, perfect for both getaways and distractions, however these pale in comparison to his more magic based equipment, like the invisibility cream, which lets him turn invisible, or the time ball he swallowed, which allows him to change everything in the world to how it would have been during whatever time he thinks of, even people.
deadpool: but his best is definetly the pinch of magic dust he owns, with this he can pretty much do anything so long as it rhymes, like change your physical stats, summon objects, stop time, rewrite reality, virtually anything he can think of.
sheldon: but salem is very very far from flawless, he is often idiotic, easily frightened, highly arrogant and extremely lazy, like one time when his entire family was very much in danger and he kept procrastinating on it.
deadpool: but when it truly comes down to it salem will always be there in the end for his family.
FIGHT[]
We open up on the town of greendale, the sun has just begun to rise causing the sky to appear as a pinkish orange, it would all appear tranquil, until a massive shout rang out that practically shook the neighbourhood, “salem”, yep, just another regular morning in the spellman household as Sabrina enters her living, face red and hair currently in a mess with some completely blackened on one side, “what the heck did you do to my hair dryer” she yells out without getting much of an answer, not noticing a black tail sneaking up the stairs with a towel dragged behind it.
We see the black cat reach the top of them as it shows there is a loop at one side of it which he tosses and wraps around the closet door handle before using his mouth to pull it making the door open, “ok, now just gotta think of somewhere not currently under witch council vision, hmm uhh, ooh how about that remnant place, its bound to have something fun there, I mean it is a world full of fairy tale characters, what’s the worst that could happen”… yup, he just uttered that fateful line, and as he entered he had no cares as he managed to close the door to where the worst would definitely happen.
We fade in on a dark purple and red land, no life or light within site, these are the darklands, well, there actually is a sign of life, that being a massive castle in the distance, which when we enter is revealed to be showing a pale white woman in a black dress with red eyes sitting on a thrown, this woman is … salem, we should probably find a way to differentiate… no, we’re fine, ok. Well anyway she was merely sitting on her thrown, it would be a while before any of her spies or followers returned so she had plenty of free time, though she was currently not really doing anything with it, at least until she noticed a light shine from the crack in her door, this definitely peaked her interest, which turned into confusion as all of a sudden a black cat came out of it, who when looked at her had only one thing to say (confusing her even more) “oh my god, it’s an albino person”… yup he really just called this worlds greatest evil an albino person, thankfully she ignored it. “W-what the hell, is this some kind of trick, because I am not amused” she said only to get an answer that made things worse “nope, salem saberhagen, greatest ex world conqueror to ever live, now could you get me some food” the cat said to which salem began glaring, this… thing had just strolled into her place, insulted her, made a mockery of her name and held the audacity to just start demanding things, yeah her interest gone, and she now merely wanted one thing, to kill whatever this was, and when she began floating and summoned a ball of energy, salem began to pick up on that, “oh, so no snacks” he said in a higher voice as the enemy of remnant lifted her arm and fired a blast of energy as the cat turned and began running.
Fight
Salem began firing off multiple balls of energy at the cat who effortlessly weaved his way around them before doing a big jump over a few and landing on the windowsill which he almost went out of only to notice multiple giant black creatures on the ground, “ok, so not that way” he says turning around and instantly jumping as another ball of energy came at him, however he ended up landing right on his attackers face who he clung onto upon seeing how high up they were, due to this salem ended up blinded as she attempted to pull the cat off only for him the grip his claws onto the back of her head making it damn near impossible to get him off, so doing the only thing she could think of salem put her hand at the back of her head and fired, exploding her head and blasting the cat into a wall.
Salem began to cough and sputter from the smoke as he got up to see his opponents head instantly regenerate, “huh, I had no idea an albino could do that” the cat says only to end up getting shocked as salem began firing lightning bolts that caused the cats skeleton to beggin showing (as in x-ray style) causing him to end up flung backwards with smoke coming off of him.
As salem approaches the downed feline he begins to rise bringing out a… electric screwdriver, “pretty sure you got a screw loose lady, let me help”he says lunging forward as Salem just smirks due to the fact of just how much of of an idiot her opponent is as he drives it into her chest and begins the machine only for it to start spinning him around which actually helps him as it causes her to get whacked in the face several times by the cats legs as scratches from from his claws begin appearing on it.
This goes on for about five seconds before salem tuns into mist causing the cat to get flung into a wall causing multiple cracks as he falls face first onto the floor before getting up “hey story writer, ya know cats land on their feet right” he says snakily to the person who could very much begin writing that something painful could start happening to him, “yeah, like what” all of a sudden salem is grabbed by a massive shadow hand and hit headfirst into a wall as he is slid against it scraping away some fur and flesh before being held up as the queen of the Grimm unleashes a big torrent of flames and electricity causing searing hot pain to go through the cat before tossing him into several walls with some telekinesis in a similar manner to a certain pun-loving skeleton before impaling him on a spike, “ok, so that’s what you could do” salem speaks before getting off and begins regenerating shocking the witch, “how the hell”.
“I’m from a sitcom were anything could happen” salem yells out before jumping forwards and knocking the queen of the Grimm backwards before following up with several more pounces before once again getting grabbed by the big shadow hands and flung into the air as salem creates multiple energy balls that she fires all hitting the cat dead on and hitting him into the roof as it started to form cracks on it around him as he got pinned into it only for salem to bring out his claws to get a grip that allows salem to bend his paws forward a bit pulling himself out of it as he falls towards the floor aiming his feet down and getting a perfect landing, “alright, that’s what i’m talking about” he says as he turns just in time to see a shadow arm reaching for him that he jumps over to behind salem allowing him to extend his claws and cause a big gash along the queen of Grimms back.
While painful salem had dealt with worse blows before so she merely shrugged it off before turning around and firing another blast of energy that gets sidestepped by the cat before jumping at her again and launching another scratch across the eye which does finally get a reaction out of her as she clutches her eye with one hand while firing multiple energy shots with the other that rain across the floor as salem dashes around constantly avoiding them as a large amount of smoke covers the room. Upon clearing salem finds herself surprised to see that there was no sign of the cat anywhere, while she knew that that level of attacks would definetly deal great damage she was sure that there would be something left, however what she didn’t notice was a container for cream behind a large pile of rubble.
All of a sudden she felt another slash across her chest but when looking couldn’t see the cat as another slash hit along her throat causing her to clutch it in an attempt to keep breathing. “Damn it, is he somehow invisible, hopefully it’s only temporary, for now just have to try and predict his movements” salem thinks to herself as she begins to concentrate and try to listen for anything, which she manages to find as she hears a light tap on the floor to her left fires a beam of energy in multiple lines that way as she hears a loud yelp come from a specific spot and fires another ball of energy towards it which does in fact hit something as it explodes on nothing and a crack appears on the wall behind it.
Salem smiles at this as she begins firing another blast at the spot only for it to just hit the wall as she hears running that all of a sudden slows down to a barely audible noise making it hard for her to hear where the next atta ck will come from which she soon learns as all of a sudden she barely hears a jump right in front of her but before she can react to scratches appear on her face gouging into her eyes and effectively blinding her as the queen of Grimm yells in pain clutching her face allowing for some follow up attacks as scratches appear along her stomach, legs and neck leaving her a bloody mess as salem flies up into the air to try and gain distance as another jump is heard as she now flies to the side and causes a thump to be heard on the roof symbolising that the cat had bashed against that before then falling down and also hitting the ground with a thump and an “ouch”.
Unfortunately for Sabrina’s cat, salem had heard that and thanks to the couple seconds had been able to recover from her wounds as she turned and fired another lightning bolt hitting the cat dead on and once again showing the x-ray as he was flung back, not to mention the heat from the electricity had made the cream boil and evaporate off of him leaving him once again out in the open.
And the queen of Grimm definetly took the opportunity as she moved forward and grabbed a hold of salem with one hand and started punching him senseless with the other before tossing him upwards and launching a punch that knocked him right through a pillar causing a lot of smoke when all of a sudden out of the smoke came a… toy police car with a cat inside that was driving away only for salem to fire a blast destroying it, however this was a distraction as when she turned back to the pillar her face was once again bombarded with scratches from the cat for several seconds until he all of a sudden phases through as she turns to smoke as the cat falls to the floor before being caught in a small tornado that salem summons, keeping the cat in place as she fires off multiple strikes of electricity blasting salem right out, she then proceed to summon out some black coloured liquid and send it towards salem as he gets up and takes notice of it, “ahh, I will not take a bath” he yells jumping out the way as she manoeuvres the liquid to chase salem who runs as fast as he can, it appears as though to be a stalemate until the queen of grimm summons another bit of liquid that catches salem off guard hitting him and causing him to fall over dead.
Salem lets out a sigh as she walks out of the room and away from her defeated opponent until she hears something moving and turns around with a look of pure shock on her face, the cat was once again getting up and she had no idea how, it had been hit with the grimm water, nothing should have survived that and yet this… thing did, “th-that… that’s, i-impossible” the queen of grimm stammers out in a state of shock. “Good thing I still have a couple lives” salem thinks as he stands up before once again leaping forward and leaving multiple scratches on her arms thanks to her managing to recover and raise her hands just in time before unleashing two blasts from them knocking salem back, “he appears as though to have an immortality similar to mine, but just to be sure I need to try fully destroying him” she thinks to herself as salem makes another leap only to be grabbed by another shadow hand before being faced by a continuos energy beam to the face that lasts for a whole minute before dying down to reveal nothing left, salem is about to celebrate until she feels another scratch to the leg revealing the cat had simply phased through the hand and is once again fine, however he does appear out of breath, but before she can capitalise eon this she is asked a question she was not expecting, “okay, you’re definetly not like the witches I usually see, so I’m guessing you’re a mortal who got some kind of power, mind letting me know how it happened before you take me out, im obviously not going to last much longer?” While she was surprised by this question she figured that since he had provided her with quite a tough fight she would grant that last request, “very well, I was cursed with immortality by our gods in the first age before diving into the grimm water and achieving this power” however she didn’t realise the big mistake she had just made, “first age huh, here we come”.
All of a sudden a light envelops the two of them as well as everything else.
All of a sudden the castle is gone as a lot more trees in its place, however before salem can question this she looks down, and has a face of pure shock on her face, she was no longer pure white anymore but instead a normal skin colour with her white dress, she attempts to use one of her powers but nothing happens as she looks at the cat who now has some yellow dust in his hands and a devious look on his face as she begins running, “he said we were going back to then meaning the gods are still here, just need to reach them” she thinks only to here her opponent talking, “okay I’ve gotten kinda bored, fill her with a very large sword” before she can process what was said the queen of grimm stops in her tracks as a sickening crunch fills her ears as she looks down to see a great big sword right through her stomach before it move splitting the queen of grimm right in half and just leaving a bloody mess as salem brings it back to the original time and sees only dust where she once was, but before he can celebrate a large scream fills his ears, “saaaalllleeeemmm”.
“Yikes better go” the cat exclaims before running as Sabrina looks for him.
K.O.
Results[]
Deadpool: w.. bu… wh… how the hell did that cat beat a literal ancient world threatening evil witch.
Sheldon: yeah actually this was a very obvious result, starting of with salem massively outstated.
Deadpool: yyyeeaahhh, I guess when you can match witches who can pull stars and react at millions of times the speed of light that is kind of what happens.
Sheldon: and while he can be arrogant and idiotic at times, when it really matters salem is a master manipulator who can outwit those with a thousand iq and makes planet go to war in seconds, way more impressive than anything salem has done.
Deadpool: yeah but what about her healing factor, wouldn’t that just make them stalemate each other.
Sheldon: at first glance, yes, until you look closer and realise salem had not one, but two ways to counter this. The time ball and the magic dust.
Deadpool: yeah, with the time balls ability to change someone to how they would have been during that time he could just transport them to before she got her immortality.
Sheldon: and with the magic dust he could literally just wish it away, ultimately against salems superior stats, brains and counters to her immortality the queen of the grimm ended up losing.
Deadpool: looks like in this grimm witch hunt, the cat got her tongue.
Sheldon: the winner is salem saberhagen.
next time[]
i know i had originally planned on doing Conner Macleod vs Flash Gordon for this season but that was before i started learning about two really fun and inventive games that gave me a matchup i instantly fell in love with, for those of you who have a problem with that, just try and “resist this” because if you decide to be one of those incredibly spiteful death battle people you are really gonna have a “bad time”, im just joking but please do be nice, i just thought that was a good way of saying my next fight is