RED Team vs Deep Rock Galactic

Bread, Bullets, Beer, and a Bucket
1/4
Season	2
Season Episode	2
Air date	July 2024
Written by	User:RohgeKiller
Episode guide
Previous Ayano Aishi vs. Saiko-Chan	Next TBD

RED Team Vs Deep Rock Galactic is a What-If? Death Battle written by RohgeKiller. It features the RED Team from Team Fortress 2 against the Dwarves from Deep Rock Galactic.

Trailer

RED Team vs. Dwarves- Fan-Made Death Battle Trailer (Team Fortress 2 VS Deep Rock Galactic)-2

Rules

• Due to the large variety of weapons and gear, each team will only be using what is considered their ‘’standard’’ loadout, but still following DB Rule 3.
  • Community-created/Cosmetic-related content is not allowed.
• Saxton Hale will not be included.
• Mission-specific items such as Payload Cart and Drilldozer are not permitted.
• Administrator and Mission Control will have no bearing on the outcome.
• Given the assortment of possible interactions and events that could take place, it's best to treat this battle like a war. Even if you don't directly see the characters, assume they're constantly fighting for their lives in the background.

Description

Team Fortress 2 VS Deep Rock Galactic! Two crews of creative, brotherly, battle-hardened mercenaries duke it out in an all-out brawl for team supremacy. Can the hired guns of Mann. Co. defeat their subterranean intruders? Or will the hardy Dwarves dig their foes an early grave?

Prelude

(Cue: Wiz and Boomstick- Brandon Yates)

Boomstick: RED Team! The hired guns of Mann Co.

Wiz: The Dwarves! The mining specialists of Deep Rock Galactic.

Boomstick: If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can pay them, preferably in sandwiches… maybe you can hire some mercenaries.

Wiz: The most dangerous missions are reserved for the heartiest of crews. Those who fear no man, machine, or oversized bug, and are willing to charge death's door to achieve their goals.

Boomstick: He’s Wiz, and I’m Boomstick!

Wiz: And it’s our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle!

RED Team

(Cue: TF2 Main Theme - Valve Studio Orchestra)

Wiz: The mid-1800s were a tumultuous yet prosperous time. American culture was slowly dividing as a split seemed inevitable, and yet it still benefited from the first industrial revolution.

Boomstick: The Consequences of which have been a ‘’disaster for the human race.’’ If you believe the memes anyway.

Wiz: But the seeds were being planted for an even greater conflict. The passing of Zepheniah Mann, a wealthy arms dealer, split two of its possible successors, Redmond and Blutarch apart. These brothers would wage financial and literal war against one another for years, culminating in the hiring of mercenary groups to continue their petty conflict.

Boomstick: This resulted in the formation of two similar groups, each tasked to wipe the other from the face of the earth. The Reliable Excavation & Demolition, and The Builders League United, or as we know them, RED and BLU Team!

(Pop-up: We will be using the main storyline, as well as the comics and game modes that reflect their experiences. Ex: Mann VS Machine.)

Background

• First Appearence: Team Fortress 2 (2007)
• Organization: Mann Co. TF Industries
• Members: Heavy, Scout, Sniper, Spy, Soldier, Pyro, Demoman, Engineer, Medic
• Species: Human
• Specializations: Mercenaries, Hitmen, Scoundrels
• Likes: Bread, Sandvich’s, Killing BLU Team, Scouts Mom (Spy)
• Dislikes: Bread Monster, BLU Team, Robots

Wiz: Despite the similarities between the two groups, we will be focusing primarily on the actions of the RED Team. Due to the vast amounts of weaponry at their disposal, we’ll be focusing on their standard equipment, but keeping their strongest gear in mind. Nothing short of the best for the bloodthirsty, bread-teleporting, trash-talking mercenaries are all as dangerous alone as they are together.

Boomstick: Say it with me: the Scout, the Soldier, the Pyro, the Demoman, the Heavy Weapons Guy, the Engineer, the Medic, the Sniper, and the Spy! Geez, do you think they have enough?

Wiz: Their numbers and large variety of skills have set them apart from other teams of similar caliber. Each member is a master of one, making them a master of all when grouped together.

“

Grass grows, birds fly, sun shines, and brother? I hurt people.

„

The Scout

• Scattergun
• Force-A-Nature
• Pistol
• Bonk! Atomic Punch
• Crit-a-Cola
• Sandman

Boomstick: The Scout is everyone's favorite wisecracking Boston brawler. He’s the fastest of his team, able to weave past bullets and rockets and still knock out anyone in his path with his trusty Baseball bat, which he can use to send his opponents flying like a, well, baseball. His Scattergun or Force-of-Nature shotguns are almost guaranteed to kill anyone he can get within distance of.

Wiz: And if he finds that conventional speed won’t cut it, his BONK! Energy drink, which contains enough sugar to flatline most normal people, can give him 8 seconds of temporary invulnerability.

Boomstick: His higher than average speed is offset by his lower-than-average intelligence.

Wiz: Not that he's dumb. Rather he, as the kids put it, has no game.

“

If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight!

„

The Soldier

• Rocket Launcher
• Rocket Jumper
• Liberty Launcher
• Cow Mangler 5000
• Shotgun
• Shovel

Boomstick: Unlike The Soldier, easily my favorite of these maniacs. If only for how batshit insane he is. This guy fought in WW2, despite never being drafted, and rampaged across Europe unchecked for years. While a master at pretty much anything with a trigger, his go-to is a rocket launcher that he uses to shoot himself into the sky!

Wiz: These powerful game-breaking, physics-denying rockets can obliterate most enemies in a single shot, and he can even jockey them. He can also carry the Cow-Mangler 5000. While it CAN be used to vaporize livestock, it is just as effective as destroying people and even robots at the atomic level.

(Pop Up: It would take roughly three Gigajoules (3 billion Joules) to completely disintegrate a human body.)

Wiz: But it always helps to carry a shotgun or a… shovel?

Boomstick: A tactical shovel. As good at bashing heads as it is digging graves, which is exactly what you should do if the Pyro ever decides to pay a visit.

“

MmmmMMMMPPhhh!

„

The Pyro

• Flame Thrower
• Nostromo Napalmer
• Shotgun
• Flare Gun
• Detonator
• Manmelter
• Fire Axe

Boomstick: Don't bother trying to understand what he's saying. The time it takes you to think could be used for better things, like running the fuck away!

Wiz: And don’t bother trying to diagnose the mysterious, muffled man that considers arson a hobby, believe me, you won’t live long enough. If he doesn't take your head off with his fire axe, then his flamethrower will deliver you a slow, painful end. He's burned through entire BLU Team camps and torched the psyches of all those who are lucky enough to escape his wrath.

Boomstick: And Wrath perfectly describes the demeanor of the Demoman. The angriest Scotsman since, eh, a lot of them actually.

“

What makes me a good Demoman? If I were a bad Demoman, I wouldn't be sittin' here, discussin' it with you now would I!?

„

The Demoman

• Grenade Launcher
• Loch-n-Load
• Stickybomb Launcher
• Chargin' Targe
• Bottle
• Eyelander
• Claidheamh MÚr

Wiz: The demolitions expert of RED Team is always prepared to hold the line. As one of the teams best defense builds, his grenade launcher and sticky bombs are more than enough to deter if not outright annihilate entire groups of enemies at once. But he is no slouch in the melee department either, being one of the deadliest hand-to-hand combatants on his team. If he needs to get up close and personal, he resorts to using an empty bottle of booze, a crossing guard sign, or…

Boomstick: A Fucking Claymore! (SCOTLAND FOREVER) Now this is the kind of guy that reminds of my dear ol’ pa.

Wiz: I thought you couldn’t remember eh- nevermind.

“

Some people think they can outsmart me... Maybe, maybe... But I have yet to meet one that can outsmart bullet.

„

The Heavy

• Minigun
• Natascha
• Shotgun
• Sandvich
• Dalokohs Bar
• Fists
• POW!

Boomstick: But now we get to everyone's favorite (don’t lie). The strong-armed, bear-suplexing, biggest gun wielder I’ve ever seen: The Heavy Weapons Guy!

(Pop-up: The average Kodiak Bear can weigh around 1400lbs, but the largest was 2130lbs.)

Wiz: This mountain of a man not only has a PHD in Russian Literature, but primarily arms himself with ''Sasha'', a custom-made minigun that can fire 10 thousand rounds per minute, completely decimating anyone dumb enough to challenge Heavy head-on. Even without his weapons, the Heavy is more than strong enough to go toe-to-toe with any of his BLU counterparts, the original TFC Heavy, and as previously mentioned, a full grown bear.

Boomstick: And like any good soldier, he knows not to fight on an empty stomach, and carries a variety of bars and sandvichs. All of which increase his already massive pool health or strength. As if he needed any more of that when he's been directly compared to Saxton Hale, who made the Yeti race go extinct through his sheer strength alone. And then there’s his contemporary in almost every way, the Engineer, who put all of his skill points into performance checks.

“

Fr'instance, How am I going to stop some big mean mother hubbard from tearing me a structurally superfluous new behind? The answer... use a gun.

„

The Engineer

• Frontier Justice
• Widowmaker
• Wrench
• Gunslinger
• Sentry Gun
• Dispenser
• Teleporter

Wiz: While not the most durable, this guitar-loving Texan works best as a mainline defender, keeping enemies at bay with his sentry turrets. These guns auto-lock onto any target and can be outfitted with heavy machine guns or rocket launchers. But his most useful tools are the dispenser and teleporter, allowing him to resupply his teammates and transport them across the battlefield.

Boomstick: It can also be used to teleport bread, but that’s not advisable.

“

Cause at the end of the day, long as there's two people left on the planet, someone is gonna want someone dead.

„

The Sniper

• Sniper Rifle
• Huntsman
• Submachine Gun
• Jarate
• Kukri

Wiz: The Sniper is one of more specialized units of the group. The Australian hitman brings some much-needed professionalism to this group of crazed gunmen and eco-terrorists.

Boomstick: His brand of killing mostly involves being perched up high for hours at a time, head-shotting and quickscoping all the live long day. He has also been known to use a big ass knife in hand-to-hand combat, assuming he doesn’t throw a jar of his own pi-

Wiz: AH, disgusting.

“

You've seen what he's done to our colleagues! And worst of all: He could be any one of us.

„

The Spy

• Revolver
• Big Kill
• Your Eternal Reward
• Disguise Kit
• Invis Watch
• Sapper

Wiz: But arguably the most dangerous member of the group is the one you don’t see. The Spy is as mysterious as he is deadly. A master of stealth that can eliminate entire bases without alerting anyone to his presence. Thanks to a unique set of skills, and a watch that can turn his invisible. But his most useful ability allows him to take the form of his enemies to better infiltrate their defenses.

Boomstick: Where he will then proceed to stab, shoot, sap, and take pictures of your mom for future blackmail.

Wiz: His backstab can kill even the toughest of BLU Teams soldiers without effort. Though, while this band of misfit mercenaries is certainly tough, they are still mostly human in terms of durability. Bullets and bombs alike have felled their numbers before. That’s why, in my professional opinion, the most vital member of the RED Team is the psychotic mad scientist, The Medic!

“

Now, let's go practice medicine.

„

The Medic

• Syringe Gun
• Medi Gun
• Vaccinator
• Bonesaw
• Ubersaw
• Ubercharge

Boomstick: The Quack doctor?

Wiz: A quack he may be, but he is the one keeping this rowdy bunch alive with his Medi Gun. A remarkable piece of medical engineering that fires beams of concentrated energy that can heal almost any would from a lost tooth to a broken arm. He can even repair, reform, and revive those that have been blown to chunks, like when he brought Heavy back from the dead.

Boomstick: But when he decides to make himself even more useful, he can overclock his equipment and Ubercharge a nearby teammate to make them temporarily invincible, and give them a nice boost to overall power. Ok, I’m starting to see why you like this guy, Wiz.

Wiz: He even once made a deal with Satan himself to acquire all of his teammate's souls. What exactly he plans on doing isn’t known, but it means the rest of the team is soulless.

Boomstick: Just like the company that made their game!

Wiz: Every member of the RED Team contributes in their own way, and when put together, they become a nearly unstoppable unit. Together, they’ve held back the BLU Team for almost a decade, defeated the bread monster (that soldier unknowingly created), a necromancer, a headless horseman, and even bested the original Team Fortress.

Boomstick: 3 of the 9 members have killed fully grown bears with their, uh, bare hands. They’ve all individually been shot at and blown up so much that it's wonder why, even after all they’ve been through, they’re still considered the rejects of their operation.

Wiz: Varying degrees of mental instability may have something to do with it.

Boomstick: Well, when you’re constantly going on ludicrous suicide missions, chances are you're gonna need to sacrifice a few of your morals. But despite their differences and setbacks, the boys in red have become more than a unit. Their brotherly bond has given them the strength to ward off foe or robotic fiends alike.

Wiz: Because they're not just a band of glued-together misfits. They are Team Fortress. They are... the RED Team!

The Dwarves

(Cue: Dance of the Dreadnoughts - Sophus Alf Agerbæk-Larsen)

Wiz: In the far reaches of the galaxy lies the tidally-locked planet, Hoxxes IV. This chaotic world is not only the richest mine in the solar system, but also the most dangerous. Violent volcanic eruptions, acid rain, and electromagnetic storms are only the tip of the iceberg.

Boomstick: If you’re afraid of insects, then this is the last planet you’d want to land on. They’ve got big bugs, bigger bugs, big flying bugs, plants that act like bugs, walking nuclear reactor bugs...

Wiz: And this thing.

Boomstick: EW! Get that off my screen!

Wiz: The call of adventure and plentiful prospecting was answered by the Deep Rock Galactic mining corporation: A rather unsafe organization that offers no life insurance or benefits to its workers. The only consolation is you get to keep whatever gold you happen to find, assuming you survive at all.

Boomstick: Who needs safety protocols when all of your employees are the roughest, manliest species to ever travel the cosmos: Dwarves!

(Pop-up: We are operating under the presumption that the Dwarves have maxed their weapons and armor.)

Background

• First Appearence: Deep Rock Galactic (2018)
• Organization: Deep Rock Galactic
• Members: Driller, Gunner, Scout, Engineer
• Species: Dwarves
• Specializations: Miners, Explorers, Dwarves
• Likes: Beer, Pipe Surfing, Pissing off management
• Dislikes: Alcohol-free beer, Bugs, Leaf-Lovers (Elves)

Wiz: These vertically challenged individuals are similar to the common elf-hating, gold-hoarding creatures of Germanic folklore. Hard-skinned, deceptively strong, and famous for their eccentric facial hair. Now give these functionally drunken men an advanced arsenal of weaponry and you have…

Boomstick: The most badass group of drunks the galaxy has ever known.

All classes

• Pickaxe
• Flare
• Laser Pointer
• Terrain Scanner
• Hacking Device

Boomstick: These roughnecks are part of a long line of proud miners… that sounds weird when you say it out loud.... Point is, they’re more than equipped to face the literal worst that their planet can throw at them. Their armor varies but always comes with an overshield that regenerates over time, with fitted Jet Boots that allow temporary flight. And what bearded menace wouldn’t be found without a trusty Pickaxe? The perfect tool for mining and cracking some skulls.

Wiz: These Dwarves are, quite frankly, units of physical strength. Like their fantasy counterparts, their raw builds support them in their quests to mine as much as possible. They can break solid rock and gold just a few swings. And aside from carrying weapons or kicking barrels that can weigh an upwards of a hundred pounds, they can effortlessly toss entire chunks of compressed gold.

(Popup: Volume of the Gold (0.5657cubic meters) X the Density of Gold (19,320kg/m3)=10,950.324kg)

Wiz: Given the density of Gold and the size of the chunk (1.4 meters high), we can estimate that they’re capable of lifting over 24 thousand pounds. That's like flipping an unladen semi-truck.

Boomstick: You’d have to be either tough as nails or stubborn as my ex-wife to face down multiple building-sized insects that can vomit fire and dig hard enough to shake the ground.

Wiz: One of the most dangerous glyphids, the Bulk Detanator, is said to explode within the Kiloton range. While all of this would obliterate the body of any normal person, to them, it’s just another day on the job. Their bodies are absurdly durable, with even the roughest of blows being remedied by a simple beer shower.

Boomstick: Sounds like how I handle most of my problems. Fall into a ditch? Get set on fire or frozen solid? Get the space equivalent of the bubonic plague? Just pour some Coors Light on your head and you’re ready to get back and whoop some alien scum with your kickass weaponry. Speaking of which, these weapons are something else.

Wiz: While each dwarf is roughly the same in terms of size and strength, each can equip a unique set of primary, secondary, and special weapons that exemplify a different style.

“

It ain't a gun, if it don't weigh at least 100 pounds.

„

Gunner

• "Lead Storm" Powered Minigun
• "Thunderhead" Heavy Autocannon
• "Bulldog" Heavy Revolver
• Zipline Launcher
• Shield Generator
• Sticky Grenade
• Cluster Grenade
• Tactical Leadburster

Boomstick: My personal favorite is the Gunner, for very obvious reasons. His mantra is simple: Shoot it until it’s dead! His main weapon is a triple-barreled gatling gun, only rivaled by one we just looked at before. It can cut through entire hordes of enemies with little effort, and the right adjustments can add even more knockback or straight-up set enemies on fire. He also carries a revolver, sticky and cluster bombs, and a plasma shield straight out of Halo.

Wiz: This shield reduces incoming damage and allows for faster overshield regeneration.

“

Yeah, I don't so much scout as make this operation possible.

„

Scout

• Deepcore GK2
• DRAK-25 Plasma Carbine
• Jury-Rigged Boomstick
• Nishanka Boltshark X-80
• Grappling Hook
• Flare Gun
• Inhibitor-Field Generator
• Cryo Grenade
• Voltaic Stun Sweeper

Wiz: Speaking of fast, The Scout is incredibly mobile, and his weapons reflect that. A speedy grappling hook allows him to easily traverse rugged terrain, with cryo and inhibitor grenades to freeze enemies solid and slow them down respectively. He’s also given a flare gun to light up darkened caves and a Plasma Rifle that can disintegrate even the larger Glyphids.

Boomstick: I also find the image of a dwarf carrying a doom-styled shotgun to be the funniest thing ever, especially if you pair him with the jet boots.

“

If it ain't drillable, it's probably flammable.

„

Driller

• CRSPR Flamethrower
• Corrosive Sludge Pump
• Colette Wave Cooker
• Reinforced Power Drills
• Satchel Charge
• Impact Axe
• Neurotoxin Grenade

Boomstick: The Driller is basically what happens when you trade your shovel for an excavator. His titanium-enforced drills allow him to dig in every direction possible at greater speed, and if he runs out of fuel, he can always rely on his satchel charge. It’s just as good at blowing up legions of bugs as it is for team-killing.

(Pop-Up: At maximum, the satchel charge can carve a 15.5-meter deep crater.)

Wiz: Aside from that, he carries a Flamethrower, a Mr. Freeze-inspired cryo gun, and cannon that covers his enemies in acid. However, I prefer the Colette Wave Cooker, a literal handheld microwave that boils its target from the inside.

“

Turrets and explosions! You've come to the right place, mate.

„

Engineer

• "Warthog" Auto 210 Shotgun
• LOK-1 Smart Rifle
• Deepcore 40mm PGL
• Shard Diffractor
• LMG Gun Platform
• Sentry Gun
• Proximity Mine
• Shredder Swarm

Boomstick: Then there's the Engineer, your jack-of-all-trades dwarf. An auto-shotgun for close range, a grenade launcher for long range, and a Smart Rifle for when you’re too lazy to manually aim. He can make his own platforms and carry a variety of proximity mines, shredder drones, and portable turrets. The perfect class for holding the fort.

Wiz: Though I’m more interested in the Shard Diffractor, a powerful laser that may or may not be powered by a sentient rock, and can atomize foes almost instantly.

Boomstick: As cool as all of that is, I’m more interested in the fact that they brew their own beer with space mushrooms. Ah, the future is truly now.

Wiz: Well, the technological achievements of these Dwarves are what allows them to dive deep into the recesses of Hoxxes and emerge unscathed. Each one can add a multitude of modifications and overclocks that make their weapons and armor even stronger. From the Drillers Sticky Flames, to the Gunners Neurotoxin rounds.

Boomstick: Or the Engineers Fatboy, which turns the normal grenade launcher into a mini nuclear warhead dispenser that all but guarantees the destruction of its target, and radiates the area of impact. It’s about as close to a done deal as one can get.

Wiz: And I’d like to remind you, all of this equipment is in the hands of functionally drunken miners.

Boomstick: All these overpowered weapons more than makeup for the fact that the Dwarves aren’t the brightest bunch in the galaxy. They’re not exactly being paid to run the company here, just give them some guns and a healthy amount of alcohol and they’ll do it. Sounds like my kind of guys.

“

Meep Beep

„

Bosco

• Machineguns
• Rocket Launchers
• Shovel arms
• Defibrillator

Wiz: On the more practical side, each Dwarf carries a laser pointer to identify and mark targets, a terrain scanner, resupply pods, and their All-Purpose-Drone, affectionally named Bosco. A small robot that can mine minerals and blast bugs with his twin machine guns and a crowd-controlling controlling rocket-launcher. But his most effective skill is the ability to revive downed dwarves, even the ones that have been subjected to the worst the planet can give them.

Boomstick: All and all, you can rest assured that if these guys are on the job, they’ll fight tooth and nail to complete their mission. Just don’t be surprised if you have to keep them on track.

Wiz; The Dwarves are more akin to overgrown children. Short attention spans and an affinity for shiny objects can lead them to get distracted, with their most dangerous enemies often being the ones that take them by surprise. Also, par for the course, they’re barely 5ft tall.

Boomstick: Hey! It’s not the size of the thing that matters, Wiz. It’s how you put it to use.

Wiz: Is that what your drunkards motivational calender told you?

Boomstick: SHUT IT!

Wiz: Despite their (cough) shortcomings, the Dwarves are an integral part of DRGs operations. They’ve successfully held back the efforts of rival corporations, armies of Glyphids, and fought back against a plague of mind-altering parasites known as Rockpox.

Boomstick: It requires balls of steel to battle giant Covid Spores, Dreadnoughts, or the (shows THAT thing again) ... AHH, STOP SHOWING ME THAT!

Wiz: No matter the enemy, no matter the odds... they fight for honor, gold, glory...

Boomstick: And for Rock and Stone!

Intermission

Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set! And we've run the date through all possibilities.

Boomstick: It's time for a DEATH BATTLE!

Pre-Fight

(Location: Badlands)

The mid-afternoon sun bore down on the Badlands of New Mexico. All was quiet on the western front, the town of Teufort was quiet, and a light breeze glided off the buildings. The heavily fortified fortress was oddly quiet. Enough that the Sniper, perched high on a tower, was a little more uneasy than usual.

Inside the base was a different story. Laughter echoed through the halls as a few members of the team were celebrating a well-deserved day off. No insane requests from management, no sight of the BLU Team, no mishaps with the teleporter. Just a fine, beautiful day with friends.

‘’Is good day, my friends.’’ The Heavy said, raising a drink at the table. Joining him was the Engineer, Demoman, and the Scout, who seemed to be the only buzzkill amongst them.

‘’Speak for yourself. I want some action. Bash some skulls in or something.’’

‘’Relax little man. Enjoy yourself for once.’’ the Demoman said, taking a swig and falling backwards, much to the delight of his comrades.

INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDERS HAVE ENTERED THE BASE!

A base-wide alarm blared, covering the room in red emergency lights. It was sudden enough to send the table flying as Heavy threw it aside and lifted ‘Sasha’ into his arms. Confusion turned to concern as Soldiers boot kicking the nearby door off its hinges.

‘’Battle stations, maggots!’’ He commanded, rocket-launcher on his shoulders. ‘’We’ve got company!’’

‘’Oh, finally!’’ Scout sighed, grabbing his bat. ‘’Alright, who needs wacked? More of those tin-cans?’’

‘’BLU Team?’’ asks the Heavy.

‘’Worse. Dwarves!’’ the Soldier replies. The confused, silent looks of the others shouldn’t have surprised him.

‘’...’’

‘’...’’

The silence was broken when Demoman burst into a hearty laugh. ‘’That was a good one, lad.’’ He sighed, pausing as he realized Soldiers demeanor hadn’t changed. ‘’Oh. You’re not joking.’’

Little did the rest of the team know that below their very feet, a team of stalwart Dwarves was unwittingly making its way toward the surface. The Driller, with his powerful digging tools, forged a path through solid rock, creating tunnels that echoed with the clinking of his gear. The rest of his team followed behind. The sound of drills and machinery fills the air as they extract valuable resources from the rocky terrain.

But it was only a matter of time before they breached the surface.

"By the beard! Where are we?’’ said the baffled Driller as he walked out of the tunnel, gazing upon the blistering buildings of Teufort.

‘’This doesn’t seem like any mine I’ve ever seen.’’ the equally confused Engineer said before their coms interfaced with mission control.

*Miners, it seems you’ve wandered out of our scanner's range. I’m going to be honest, I have no idea where you are or how you got there. So stay on your toes and keep your eyes sharp.

At that moment, the alarm blared throughout the base, startling the unintended intruders. Realizing their situation, the Engineer immediately began setting up platforms for cover.

Perched up in his makeshift watchtower, the Sniper was left gobsmacked upon seeing the stubby creatures emerge from a hole in the ground. For a brief moment, the Sniper's expression shifted from calm focus to utter disbelief. He adjusted his scope, his sights swapping between the dwarves' respective skulls as they scrambled into view.

"Blimey," he muttered under his breath. "What in the bloody hell are those little buggers?" As we watched the dwarves begin to hunker down with their mysterious tools, the rest of RED Team, save for Spy, poured from the entrance with weapons in hand, with Heavy leading the charge. Upon seeing the Dwarves, the mercs paused their advance, standing shoulder to shoulder, weapons at the ready. The Dwarves, having already carved out improvised trenches, hunkered together in response.

Reactions varied amongst the respective groups, but everyone had at least one finger on a trigger. Having taken a few seconds to analyze the situation, the first to speak up was the Soldier.

‘’I told you they were real!’’ he said as the Medic took a few steps, putting Heavy between himself and the Dwarves.

‘’If you would, I’d appreciate leaving their bodies mostly intact,’’ he said, his Medi-gun roaring to life. ‘’I would very much like to examine them.’’

‘’Ha! Tiny men come to challenge us?’’ The Heavy bellowed, much to the irritation of the Dwarves.

‘’What did that bullet-sponge just call us?’’ growled the Driller, his flamethrower hummed. Unbeknownst to both teams, the RED Spy had taken position to flank the intruders, and as both Engineers prepared to load their turrets, it became increasingly clear that neither team was willing to lose any ground.

''Listen up, half-pints! You have approximately 10 seconds to drop your weapons and beg for mercy.'' The Soldier shouted, knowing full well they wouldn't, and having no intention of letting them live long enough anyway. ''If you comply, then I promise your deaths will be honorable, and slightly less painful!''

Outnumbered and seemingly outgunned, it took the Dwarves all of 2 seconds to decide.

‘’Well lads, ya heard em.'’ said the Gunner, revving his Minigun and opening fire with a barrage of bullets.

FIGHT!

(Cue: Dark Horse - Ricky Kendall)

RED Team: 9

Dwarves: 5

The battlefield erupted into chaos as the RED Team and the Dwarves clashed with unbridled ferocity. The metallic clang of bullets and the resounding blasts of explosives filled the cavernous space, creating a cacophony of war.

Each team raced to be the first to take proper cover, as the opening salvos of the Heavy and Gunner caused their respective members to duck and weave behind whatever they could find.

‘’Place dispenser here!’’ Heavy ordered the Engineer, knowing they had to hold the line.

The RED Team took advantage of the metal walls of the fort to deflect the barrage, while the Dwarves' trenches gave them more than enough space. But ensuing chaos made it difficult to keep track of everyone's whereabouts, especially the Scouts. While the Dwarven Scout, upon nearly being domed by the Sniper, took off with his grappling hook, RED Scout ducked and darted around the gunfire, drawing the attention of the Gunner for just a moment.

‘’Hold still, little man!’’ the Gunner roared. His minigun swept its barrage across the battlefield.

Soldier, seizing the opportunity, leapt from the cover, and charged madly at the Dwarves. Firing two consecutive rockets at the distracted Gunner. The first missed by a hair, but the second stuck the hardy creature in the chest, sending him to the ground. The burley build of the dwarf being his only saving grace.

‘’Dwarf down!’’ The Driller shouted, his flamethrower nearly overheating as he put up a wall of flame between himself and the RED Team.

‘’Lets see how you fancy a trip to Hell!’’ Soldier barked, rocket-jumping over the dwarven trench. Unfortunately for Soldier, he’d completely forgotten about the turrets placed by the Dwarf Engineer, which locked onto him in mid-air. The Soldier landed just as the guns fired upon him. Instinctively, he went prone and momentarily avoided their fire, but was now stuck in the middle of enemy territory.

Swapping for his shotgun, the Soldier blasted one of the turrets before rolling behind the other with his trusty shovel. But before he could dispense of some military justice, a cocking of a rifle behind him caught his attention. The Dwarven Engineer locked onto the Soldier with his smart rifle and didn’t hesitate. Despite his best efforts, the Soldier couldn’t dive for the trench in time and was nailed a handful of times in the back. Explosions from Demoman and Driller grenades all around him.

''Hold on Soldier!'' Heavy shouted from behind his cover. But before he could make any headway, a small boomerang came out of nowhere, bouncing off his temple. Stunned, he barely caught the visage of a blue blur through his teary eyes and opened fire. But the Dwarven Scout was far to quick, laughing as he zipped past the enraged merc, firing off a barrage of shells at the Medic before disappearing into the dust. Through luck alone, none of the shots had been fatal. ''Doctor! Are you...''

''I'm fine.'' The Medic replied, getting back to his feet. ‘’Quite the predicament we’ve found ourselves in.’’

‘’Just wait,’’ The Demoman laughed, ducking behind cover and pulling out his stickybomb launcher. ‘’We’re just getting warmed up!’’

Speaking of warming up.

The Pyro, throwing all caution out the proverbial window, marched into the Dwarven trench and locked onto the prone Gunner. He laughed merrily, as all he saw was a small, cuddly dwarf, huddled in a vain attempt to get himself warm. The pyromaniac was more than happy to help.

But the Driller had other ideas as he stepped in between them, flamethrower drawn.

"If you're lookin' for a barbecue, you’ve come to the right place!’’

"Mmph mmph mph mph!"

A woosh of heat enveloped the area in a chaotic display of fire and destruction as their blazes combined in a beautiful song. The flames pushed against one another, spreading outwards and upwards, creating a wall that further separated both teams. The heat alone turns the sand into glass.

The situation was enough to get the attention of the Sniper, who, despite the bulky frames of the Dwarves, weren’t easy to hit. "Bloody dwarves, stay still for a moment, will ya?"

Just as he was about to dome the Driller, he felt the subtlest shift of weight on the wooden floor. He turns just in time as the Dwarven Scout swings a pickaxe towards his skull. Sniper blocks the blow and pushes the smaller fighter away. He was taller and used that to his advantage as he kicked the dwarfs arm away, hit him with the butt of his gun, took aim… and then something falls from the dwarfs hand. The air goes cold just as a miniature blast rocks the tower, freezing the Sniper solid.

The Dwarven Scout shouts ‘’Bosco,’’ and dives out of the egress point just as the small yellow bot, who floats behind the Sniper and fires his rocket at the prone mercenary.

‘’Oh, bugger!’’ He manages to say through grinded teeth before the resulting explosion takes him out, as well as the roof of the tower. Drawing first blood.

RED Team: 8

Dwarves: 5

The explosion is noticed by Heavy, Medic, and Spy. They knew in all likelihood that their friend had perished, but were forced to delay the thought. The Medic activated his Medi-gun and healed Demoman and Heavys wounds, as their respective firepower prevented the Dwarves from making ground.

In the madness, the Scout chugged down a can of BONK! and ran right through the flames completely unharmed. Immediately setting his sights on the Dwarven Engineer. Unfortunately for the Dwarf, the Scout knew how to make use of his time. The turrets and proximity mines did nothing to halt his advance, and by the time the effects wore off the Dwarf had barely raised his rifle. But the Scout was too quick and tossed a baseball at his midsection, staggering him.

“Think fast, garden knome!” Scout taunted, ducking under the Dwarfs axe and clocking him in the back of the head. The downed Engineer could only see stars as the Scout flipped his bat into the air, catching it and swinging as hard as he could. ‘’Hit the bricks pa-’’

A blue mass slammed into the merc before he could deliver the killing blow. The Dwarven Scout crashed into the small human with enough force to send them both rolling across the dirt. The Scouts, now facing one another as they both stood, wasted no time in pulling out their respective shotguns.

Both proved difficult to hit, even for the other. The mercenary was ducking and double-jumping, returning fire with the Scattergun, while the Scouts grappling hook closed the distance just as quickly. The Scout pulled out his Sandman and whacked a baseball at the Dwarf, knocking his shotgun from his hand. He prepared to close in, but skidded to a stop and lunged for a trench as the Dwarf pulled out a pair of Uzi, threatening to pump him full of lead.

‘’Die like your mother did!’’ the Dwarf bellowed over the chorus of bullets.

‘’Hey, don’t ya bring up my ma!’’

Meanwhile, a bloody Soldier doubled over in pain as he attempted to stand. As he reached for his rocket launcher, he watched the small yellow robot the Dwarves brought with them. It flew behind the arsonists and up to the prone Gunner. The machine activated its defibrillator in an attempt to revive him.

Cloaked in the dust and hidden from the gunfire, the Spy moved like a ghost across the battlefield. He too saw Bosco and recognized his value to the Dwarfs. As the robot continued to pump electricity through the Gunners body, the Spy decloaked and fired at its back. The bullets ricochet off Boscos hull, who turns around to fire at the Spy, who disappears just as fast.

Soldier used his Shovel as a third leg to lean on, and brought his rocket launcher up to eye level.

‘’Return to robot hell, tincan!’’

A single rocket fired from the launcher, sending more dust into the wind as it flew past the dueling Scouts, through the fire, and nailed the robot dead center. Boscos loud shriek was cut off as his body exploded into pieces…

RED Team: 8

Dwarves: 4

But not before his job was complete.

The Gunners eyes shot open, meeting the broken body of his trusty robot. Adrenaline pumped through his veins as he grabbed his Minigun and rose to his feet with a roar. Despite the chaos around him, he managed to narrow his attention to the wounded Soldier, who swapped his launcher for a shotgun.

Raising his plasma burster with steady hands, the Gunner aimed the Soldier and fired a torrent of searing bolts. But the merc powered through the pain and charged the dwarf with a war cry, preparing to cave his opponent's skull with his shovel. Undeterred, the Gunner grabbed one of his sticky grenades just as the Soldier closed in.

Using his Minigun to shield him, the dwarf attached the grenade to the Soldier's bandolier, right on the grenades, before shoving the merc back.

Realizing his situation, the Soldier got back to his feet and, with a final war cry, leapt at the Gunner in an attempt to take him to hell with him. But it was too late, and the grenades went off mid-jump, splattering the ground in blood. The Gunner laughed. In avenging his companion, he had struck a decisive blow against the RED Team.

RED Team: 7

Dwarves: 4

But there was no time to celebrate. The Gunner ran to his Engineer, who lay unconscious on the ground, and hastily doused him in beer to wake him up.

The Pyro and Driller, who by this point had surrounded their neck of the base in flames, barely noticed the ongoings. But the merc was becoming increasingly frustrated that his opponent didn't want to play along with his games, and decided to close the distance. After quick-drawing his Flare gun and firing it at the Driller, the Pyro leaped over the flames with surprising athletic ability. Fire axe in hand.

The Pyro swung down as he landed, knocking the flamethrower from the Drillers hand, who reacted by equipping his titanium drills. The heavy mining equipment meets the sharp steel of the Pyros axe in a shower of sparks. But even the pyromaniac wasn't dumb enough to go blow for blow with a hardy dwarf for long... not without a little help.

A garbled cry burst from the Drillers mouth as a blade pierced his neck, wielded by the invisible hand of the Spy. Blood sprayed onto the Pyro like a fountain as he reared back, jamming the axe straight into the dwarf's abdomen, forcing him to the ground. Spy decloaked, stepped back, and prepared to remove the kneeling creatures' brains with his pistol. But a plasma bolt from the Gunner flew by the assassin's head, forcing him to step back and return fire.

He should have taken the shot.

"Eye... for an eye!" The Driller gasped with grim satisfaction. With his last breath, he reached for the detonator connected to the satchel charges strapped to his body. The Spy's eyes widened in realization. In a split-second decision, he dove for cover as he tried to put distance between himself and the impending explosion. But it was too late.

With a deafening roar, the satchel charges detonated, engulfing everything in a maelstrom of fire and debris. The force of the blast tore through the air, sending rocks and rubble flying in all directions. Spy was thrown backward by the force of the explosion, his body battered and bruised as he was caught in the blast radius. Even the dueling Scouts were knocked back by the shockwave.

But Pyro wasn't nearly as lucky.

RED Team: 6

Dwarves: 3

Between the Scouts still trying to hit one another, the Soldier and Pyros' death, and the fire and the flames, the Heavy realized their advantage was waning, and knew that it was now or never.

"Fall back!" the Heavy shouted, his voice booming over the din of battle as he gestured for the others to follow. The Medic, understanding his intent, stepped forward, raising his Medi-gun high. With a surge of energy, he overclocked his Medi-gun, channeling his healing powers to their fullest extent. A vast, crimson shield materialized in front of the mercenaries, its shimmering surface deflecting incoming fire and providing cover for their tactical withdrawal. ''Let's hope Demo and Engineer plan work.''

While most of the mercs disengaged with haste, Spy and Scout were in no position to do so. The Boston native's ears still rang from the explosion, though it was nowhere near the worst injury he'd endured. But the blast happened to land him and Spy within a few feet of the other. However, the assassin was far worse for wear. His legs were broken and his body bloodied from the force of the explosion.

''H-hey buddy. I don't want to alarm you, but you ain't lookin too good.'' the Scout said as he crawled towards his prone ''friend''.

The Spy managed a weak chuckle that quickly turned into a pained cough. "Coming from you, I suppose I should take that as a compliment," he replied, maintaining his stoic demeanor, even in these conditions.

"Yeah, well, this ain't lookin' too good even for you," he remarked, his tone tinged with concern. The Spy offered a weak smile and fidgeted with his watch. He removed it and tossed it in Scouts direction. ''W-wait a minute, you need this to...''

''You need it more than me.'' Spy coughed, grabbing his pistol and a cigar. ''Regroup with our... friends. And give these creatures hell.'' He said, voice dripping with venom, though it was clear that the effort pained him. The Scout was hesitant, but activated the cloak, disappearing from view as he slipped into the shadows. The Spy lit his last cigar, and brought his pistol up, firing into the air to get the Dwarves attention.

Results

And the Winner Is...

Music

Name subject to change

Trivia

• This battle would be in 3d, with the models being ripped straight from their respective games.
• The connections between The RED Team and the Dwarves are that they are both hardy crews of quick-witted, gun-loving, beer-drinking mercenaries who are tasked with going on near-impossible missions. Both serve as the main characters of their respective games, often teaming up to take on swarms of enemies (The BLU Team and Glyphids respectively), and secure and protect dangerous and mysterious cargo.
  • Both teams have characters that serve similar roles: The Heavy and Gunner both carry massive miniguns and provide support fire. The Scouts are the fastest members of their respective teams and carry shotguns. The Engineers both construct turrets. And the Pyro, Demoman, and Driller are famous for their flamethrowers and explosives.
  • Both organizations regularly compete with and defend their homes from rival factions that also use robots as their primary method of invading.
  • There are some notable differences between the groups. The RED Team is more cohesive as a team, due to each member serving vastly different roles, while the Dwarves are very similar in personality despite having different responsibilities. The RED Team is also exclusively mercenary while the Dwarves are Miners.
  • Both games are often paired in conversations regarding games with loyal and positive fanbases.
• On a personal note: I (RohgeKiller) saw that there were no completed RED Team fights, and decided to try and be the first to finish one.