Introduction[]
RvB vs TF2! Who will win? Shaggylettuce's season 1 episode 3
Prelude[]
Wiz: Teamwork makes the dream work.
Boomstick: Even if everyone on your team is an idiot!
Wiz: Like with the Blue Team, the dominant force in Red vs Blue.
Boomstick: And the RED Team, the beloved TF2 gang! He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick!
Wiz: And it's our job to analyse their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle!
RED Team[]
Wiz: During the Summer of 1968, nine individuals - the Scout, the Soldier, the Pyro, the Demoman, the Heavy Weapons Guy, the Engineer, the Medic, the Sniper, and the Spy - were recruited by Reliable Excavation & Demolition (RED) and Builders League United (BLU) to continue Redmond and Blutarch's never-ending war to seize the land left to them by their deceased father.
Boomstick: Helen, a possible descendant of Elizabeth, acts as the overseer of the large-scale battles fought amongst these nine mercenaries. Descendant of Barnabas Hale, Saxton Hale, runs the renowned weapons and headwear business Mann Co., a subsidiary of the Administrator's shadowy company, TF Industries.
Wiz: And the rest is-
Scout:(appearing) Yo, what's up?
Scout[]
Wiz: One of the nine mercenaries, Jeremy, code-name Scout-
Scout: Is really frickin' fast.
Wiz: Yeah. Scout can gain the momentum to float in the air, kinda like how Yoshi does it.
Boomstick: By jumping up and kicking his legs in the air.
Wiz: Scout can appear as a blur and can jump absurd distances.
Scout: I can dodge trains! Which of my opponents can dodge trains?!
Wiz: Well-
Scout: Yeah, exactly. When I was in heaven, I flexed. And God cried.
Boomstick: That's a little far-fetched- (the scan appears on the screen) HOLY SMOKES!
Scout: Wanna know what else I can do? With my trusty baseball bat, I can embed your teeth into it. And I can get my heart ripped out and LIVE. Close-range rockets? I dodge that. I-
Heavy bursts through the wall.
Heavy: OHHHHHHH YESSSSSS!!! CRY SOME MORE!
Scout runs for it.
Heavy[]
Heavy: I am Heavy Weapons Guy. And this- (Heavy lifts Sasha so the camera can see her) is my weapon. She fires at 10,000 RPM.
Wiz: Heavy's not stupid, he has a PhD in Russian Literature. He just doesn't speak English well.
Heavy: I have sandvich. It heals me and I can give it to teammates.
Boomstick: Heavy escaped a gulag as a kid.
Heavy: I tortured guards. I can throw you into thick walls- and it breaks.
Wiz: Heavy can punch out- all of Scout's blood... and break Soldier's spine.
Boomstick: He can also kill Soviet Superbears, which can bend steel!
Wiz: The Heavy is not one you should-
Heavy is hit by a jar of yellow liquid and goes down. Sniper jumps from the roof.
Sniper[]
Sniper: Sniping's a good job, mate.
Wiz: And nobody knows that better than Arthur Mundy, code-name Sniper. He's a crack shot, and very rarely misses.
Sniper: Correction, Wizard. I never miss.
Boomstick: Wow, Wizard. That's a throwback.
Wiz: Old nicknames aside, Sniper is very strong physically. While in a weakened state, he can break down doors.
Boomstick: He can survive attacks from the yeti Saxton Hale killed. But that's nothing compared to the mother-load of his weapons- the JARATE.
Sniper: Yup. Jarate is a jar of my, uh, fluids. And it'll distract you so I can put a bullet between yer eyes.
Boomstick: Badass!
Wiz: Ew.
Sniper: (pinning his machete to Wiz's neck) Zip it.
Wiz: He's stealthy enough to sneak up on Dem-
Sniper: EVERYONE DOWN!
Demoman[]
An explosion happens. Sniper falls over. Demoman enters the frame with whiskey in his hand.
Demoman: Bahhhh! Just discuss meh!
Wiz: The Demoman is a Scottish explosives expert, and a raging drunk.
Boomstick: He has his sticky bombs, which can kill the whole BLU Team.
Wiz: He can rip apart metal, and his Damascus sword can cut stone!
Boomstick: He can cause a large explosion with his grenade launcher. It can also destroy Engineer's sentry.
Wiz: He can survive drinking hydrogen peroxide!
Boomstick: He also has a pipe bomb launcher which can kill a Pyro.
Wiz: Speaking of Pyro, wasn't he-
Pyro skips into frame. Demoman is asleep.
Pyro[]
Wiz: Pyro is a strange case.
Boomstick: Wiz, can he hear us?
Wiz: Nope. Go all out.
Boomstick: Pyro is delusional, he thinks he's playing with cherubs in a magical candyland. He is actually brutally murdering the adult versions of those cherubs.
Wiz: Pyro's survived a large-scale explosion.
Boomstick: His shotgun can put a hole in your chest. I don't mean, like a teeny little gap, I mean an actual hole.
Wiz: His flamethrower is homemade, but it still could burn you to a crisp.
Boomstick: It hurt the bread monster that an Ubercharged Heavy was having trouble with.
Wiz: Pyro may be psychotic, but he is a-
Pyro gets bonked by Soldier.
Soldier[]
Soldier: Our story begins when I was rejected from the military. So I bought my ticket to Europe and went on a rampage! Slaying Nazis left and right. It was a sight to behold.
Boomstick: Pretty damn awesome.
Soldier: My signature move is my NECK SNAP! You don't wanna hear me say "huttah", because it will be the last thing you ever hear!
Wiz: Soldier is really physically strong and has no problem punching down walls.
Soldier: My shotgun can blow your head clean off! And let's not forget, my shovel. It's a real American shovel. Better than your communist one!
Wiz: Soldier's shovel can fracture skulls and noses, and knock out teeth.
Boomstick: He also has a rocket launcher, which he rocket jumps with to gain momentum. And it can blow people up!
Soldier: I have such strength that I can snap your neck by punching you! Once!
Wiz: Yes, Soldier has incredible strength. He's a true patriot.
Spy[]
Soldier turns into Spy.
Spy: Gentlemen.
Wiz: The Spy is probably one of the most versatile mercenaries.
Boomstick: He's got the Sapper, which can render electronics useless.
Wiz: And his trusty butterfly knife. If he stabs you, you'll die instantly.
Boomstick: He can kill someone faster than Scout can react. So pretty fast.
Wiz: His disguise kit allows him to take the form of anyone. Including, but not limited to Tom Jones.
Boomstick: He also has a cloaking device, which allows him to turn invisible. It also doubles as a portable phone.
Wiz: When he cloaks, nobody can see him. But when he's moving, he has a time limit. When he's not, he has none.
Boomstick: He also has the Dead Ringer, which cloaks him for eight seconds, leaving an illusion of his corpse behind. Spy is a master combatant too. look at how he finesses Medic.
The screen shows Spy beating down Medic in Meet the Spy
Spy: I'm always right behind you.
Engineer[]
Spy walks out of view and the screen switches to Engineer playing a song on his guitar.
Engineer: I'm an Engineer. That means I solve problems. Not philosophical problems, practical ones.
Wiz: Such as his beloved sentry guns, which can blow you away with their force and kill 210 people. He can build them really quickly too.
Boomstick: Engie's not the greatest fighter, but when he starts assembling sentries, it's likely over for you.
Wiz: Indeed. The Sentries' vision is movement-based, meaning that if you move and you're an enemy, you are going to get shot at.
Engineer: I also have 11 PhDs.
Boomstick: That's more than Bruce Banner, who in the MCU at least, has seven.
Wiz: The only problem is that if you get past the sentries, Engineer is toast.
Boomstick: Luckily, they shoot at such a rapid rate that you can't dodge unless you're a super soldier.
Wiz clears his throat.
Boomstick: Oh, right.
Medic[]
The screen shuts off and Medic walks in.
Medic: Hello.
Wiz: Providing support for this battle will be the Medic, the smartest member of the team.
Boomstick: He has the tools to revive people, and supercharge them, turning them into train-stoppers!
Wiz: To be fair, that was only an Ubercharged Heavy, although it does heavily increase stats. Although it has a drawback.
Boomstick: Medic can only use it when he's close to the person being ubercharged, making him a target for anyone with braincells.
Medic: Don't push it.
Wiz: Medic is also lacking in physicals. He's survived a tackle from a Heavy clone and stated to have killed a mugger, though we don't have the scan to back the latter up.
Boomstick: Medic takes a backseat in his fights for sure. But that isn't to say he's not an asset to his team. He's the guy who heals everyone and-(snickering) gives them baboon uterus-es.
Medic: Zat is it!
Medic attacks Boomstick and a dust cloud appears as they roll offscreen
Wiz: I prepared for this. Hey, Doc!
A Spartan in purple armour walks in frame.
Blue Team[]
Doc: Hi, guys. I'll be over-viewing the Blue Team with Wiz while Medic fights with Boomstick. The Blue Team is the team of soldiers who battles the Red Team for control of Blood Gulch, which is an empty canyon. I know it's weird. I'm neutral in their conflict, though I hang out with the Blues more. They're cool guys. Anyway, first up is Church slash Epsilon.
Church[]
Wiz: Project Freelancer. A military experiment in an attempt to create an AI that would win the war against the Covenant army.
Doc: The test committee needed more AIs than the UNSC was willing to provide, so they simulated torturing the program to force a mental break on it, splitting the program into several pieces.
Wiz: The “main” part of that program was Alpha, the root of it all. To protect their original AI, the maintainers of Project Freelancer hid it inside a robot body and sent it to the one place in the universe that no one would think to look for it, a crappy little canyon called Blood Gulch.
Doc: That robot’s name was Church. He’s kind of a jerk.
Wiz: Let's start with a rundown of his equipment. Church's main weapon is that of a sniper rifle, which quite frankly he sucks at using.
Doc: But he also has his fists. Most Blues are skilled fighters. And also, he can accidentally hit -mwah- glorious trickshots. Accidentally only, so it would seem.
Wiz: But he's pretty fast and can take lightning bolts hitting him. He can also take hits from Tex in Sarge's robot body. Also, he got knocked halfway across the canyon and lived.
Doc: Like all the Blues, Church wears bio-mechanical body armor that can absorb explosions and deflect bullets. With it, he can dodge a speeding jeep.
Wiz: While Church isn't the best team leader, he's not one to be taken lightly.
Church: You don't hate a person because someone told you to.
Caboose[]
Doc: Ah, Caboose. He’s dumb as a box of rocks, and his condition has steadily deteriorated in correlation with the severe amount of blunt force damage he constantly takes to his head. Despite his irrational behavior and his limited grasp on reality, he still has ambitions as grand as any other soldier, and has no greater love in his heart than for his friends.
Wiz: Unfortunately, for Caboose, helping his friends often means shooting at them.
Doc: If you anger Caboose, you are going to die. Seriously. He's a machine when he's mad. He can body-check Tex robots and send them flying by running into them.
Wiz: When he's not angry, he can still lift Sheila, the team's living tank and flip over a jeep. Also, he can lift a bomb that Texas can't lift. Caboose hates babies, taxes, and strawberry ice cream. Mention one of these things-
Doc: Or god forbid compare him to one-
Wiz: And he will go berserk.
Doc: But the drawback is that Caboose cannot fight unless he is angry. I mean, he can fight, but not well. He also sucks at using his gun. But he can hold his breath for two whole days. Talk about insanity.
Wiz: His most impressive strength feat was when he didn't even notice that gravity on the room was increased by ten. For reference, Goku was struggling in 10x gravity.
Doc: Albeit when he started King Kai's training. Caboose's pet is named Freckles. Freckles is a mech. Freckles has aimbot.
Wiz: This is not exaggeration. Freckles won't fire unless he has a shot on you. And Caboose is friends with this weapon of mass destruction.
Doc: Though Caboose isn't very bright, he's an asset to the Blue Team and tries his best.
Caboose: You know what? You're dumb for thinking that!
Tucker[]
Wiz: Captain Lavernius Tucker is an asset to the Blue Team. He is portrayed as the self-proclaimed ladies man of the Blue Team, although this trait is increasingly diminished.
Doc: He's from Detroit, Michigan and is an atheist.
Wiz: He's also, uh- committed-
Doc: MURDER OF REDS!
Wiz: That. Tucker is armed with an Energy Sword and is skilled with it too. Tucker also had a hand in the death of the Meta. He's also killed Wyoming and several of his clones, countless zealots, several space pirates and an UNSC pilot.
Doc: While not normally known for his smarts, Tucker has shown tactical brilliance, like the time he outsmarted Wyoming's time-loop and singlehandedly defeated C.T's men.
Wiz: Unfortunately, while he usually succeeds, some of Tucker's plans end badly with someone getting hurt or killed. In Hit and Run, Tucker deviated from Felix's plan to detonate F.A.C. Outpost 22 and decided to get the information on where Washington, Sarge, Donut, Freckles, and Lopez were being kept after hearing two Fed soldiers talk about them. Getting the full information ended up getting two of his squadmates killed.
Doc: However, Tucker redeems himself by devising a plan to save the Feds and Rebels from killing each other in Fed vs. New.
Wiz: Tucker's sword can blow up jeeps in a single strike.
Doc: Tucker is deserving of being the Blue Team's best swordsman.
Texas[]
Doc: Ohhh, jeez. Time we discuss the big guns of the team- Agent Texas.
Wiz: Texas is a Freelancer, and shortly after her introduction, she kicked Carolina from the top spot.
Doc: She was assigned to track down the rogue freelancer, Connecticut. After she killed him, she learned the truth about the unethical methods of Project Freelancer, she went rogue too. A few years later, she is asked for assistance from a nearby boxed canyon.
Wiz: Tex carries the team, with maybe the exception of Sheila and an enraged Caboose. She can push Sarge and Grif through two steel walls and send them barreling into another. To do this, Tex would need to exert 300,000 pounds of force onto both walls. And she can break concrete pillars by throwing people into them.
Doc: She can flip over the same model tank as Sheila, too. She beat a man to death with his own skull.
Wiz: She's tanked point-blank explosions and been stabbed by an ax and a knife, then continuing to fight unhindered.
Doc: She can break boulders and kick metal doors into the other side of a room! She's taken down dozens of soldiers!
Wiz: She's simultaneously defeated York, Wyoming and Maine with a variety of weapons.
Doc: No doubt about it- Tex is the MVP.
Washington[]
Doc: Agent Washington is a member of Project Freelancer. Although he is the worst.
Wiz: If Washington's the worst, that's a pretty high bar. He's shown incredible skill with firearms, such as cocking Sarge's shotgun one-handed and masterfully using a Fuel Rod Cannon despite never even having seen one before.
Doc: He could also hit a moving Tex and pull his rifle off his back, aim it, load it and fire it in the time frame that it took for a soldier to raise his a few inches. He also managed to hit Meta while he was invisible and hold him off in hand to hand.
Wiz: Washington once shot a rocket launcher out of someone's hands while being shot at with that rocket launcher.
Doc: Washington is also a really skilled combatant too. He held off the Meta, who was able to defeat Caboose. He also went toe-to-toe with Locus, who had recently defeated Carolina.
Wiz: He could also block attacks from Felix, who can kill someone with his knife in seconds.
Doc: While ol' Wash might not be the best ever, he is certainly a good pick for the Blues.
Kaikaina[]
Wiz: After Grif was drafted, his sister signed up into the military and was later stationed at Blood Gulch, where she reunited with her brother. However, because she is color blind, Sister mistakenly believed that the Red Team was the Blue Team, the team she was actually assigned to.
Doc: Sister appears to be the least capable Blue, although she is good at driving, like Grif. Sister uses the bases and caves to throw raves, mainly to meet boys, and was able to develop a small business out of it, making little profit. After a while, she then used the canyon to hold several festivals with different themes over the years which would sell out. She seems to have a knack for business management, even capable of hiring staff to assist her.
Wiz: Although, Sister doesn't have all that many feats, aside from her driving ability.
Flowers[]
Doc: Butch Flowers was the Captain of the Blue Team. He's KIA, so I'll be bringing him back.
Wiz: He has smarts, though he is rarely shown in combat.
Doc: Captain Flowers also only has two recorded kills, both of them being before he was deployed to Blood Gulch.
Wiz: When he was pinned down by the Twin Insurrectionist Chain Gunners, he malfunctioned a crane and crushed them to death.
Doc: Butch is a-
Boomstick: Hey, I'm ba- who is this?
Doc shuffles away.
Intermission[]
Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set and we've run the data through all possibilities.
Doc: It's-
Boomstick: Leave. IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Pre-Fight[]
RED Bread van, just outside Blood Gulch Canyon
Scout: So, uh, why's Miss Pauling want us to infiltrate this place again?
Soldiers grabs Scout and throws him against the van.
Soldier: Because this is where the Alpha A.I is, nincompoop!
Sniper: Hold on, we got soldiers.
Heavy: We can take them.
Spy: We seem to outnumber them.
Blue Base, Blood Gulch Canyon
Caboose, Sister, Flowers and Washington stand idly while Church and Tucker are talking. Church is aiming into his rifle's scope.
Tucker: What are they doing?
Church: FOR GOD'S SAKE, TUCKER! THE EXACT SAME THING THEY WERE DOING 5 MINUTES AGO!
Tucker: Well I don't have the sn- CHURCH GET DOWN!
Tucker turns and Church narrowly avoids a bullet from Sniper.
Sniper: P***.
Church and Tucker: Son of a b****!
Soldier: ATTAAAAAAAACK!
FIGHT![]
(Cue Here We Go- Chris Classic https://youtu.be/SS8WGdw5kyM)
The Reds (all except Sniper) get in the van and drive it down the cliff into the canyon, running over Sister.
8-9
Caboose: Oh my God!
Caboose quickly sprints off.
Church: Caboose!
Church goes to follow Caboose but gets shot at by Sniper, narrowly dodging again.
Tucker ignites his sword and Scout leaves the van. Tucker and Scout sprint at each other, Scout immediately gaining the speed advantage. But Tucker's superior physical strength meaning that he gets some surprise kicks in. Scout hits Tucker in the head with his bat. Tucker manages to catch his opponent by surprise and stabs him through the chest. Scout hits Tucker in the chin.
Tucker: What the hell?
Scout: I've survived with my organs out of my chest, dude.
The bat collides with Tucker's face again. Tucker slides back.
Tucker: You seem like a ladies' man. If I don't kill you, wanna try pick up chicks?
Scout: You bet.
Tucker: Bow chicka bow wow!
They engage each other again, meanwhile Tex comes out of the base.
Tex: Oh, OK.
Tex sprints at Heavy, tackling him and beginning to beat on him.
Heavy: Heavy not like hitting ladies!
Heavy kicks Tex off of him and revs up Sasha
Heavy: So I shoot you instead!
Soldier (who's beating up Wash): Prissy! Equal rights is equal fights!
Tex: I like that analogy.
Tex kicks Heavy in the chest, winding him. She then uppercuts him, sending him into the air before jumping up at him and kicking him back down. Heavy grabs Sasha, and begins firing at Tex. Tex dodges. She runs at Heavy and punches him in the gut.
Caboose: Help has arrived!
Church: Wooooo!
Caboose is in Sheila and Church is on top of her.
Sheila: Firing main cannon.
Tucker, Washington and Flowers run away and so does everyone else. Except Demoman who fires a sticky bomb at Sheila.
Caboose: AAAAAAAAAAHHH!
Caboose gets out of Sheila and the tank explodes.
7-9
Caboose: SHEEEEEEEEEEILAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pyro lunges at Caboose attempting to stab him. Caboose narrowly blocks and nudges Pyro over. Soldier notices this.
Soldier: Is that it? You fight like a baby!
Wash tackles Soldier.
Caboose: Baby?!
(Cue The Only Thing They Fear is You- Mick Gordon https://youtu.be/T12ygsp9Mvg)
Caboose punches Pyro in the face breaking an eye lens on his gas mask.
Caboose: My name is Michael J. Caboose.
He kicks Pyro in the face, knocking him back.
Caboose: And I.
He punches the side of Pyro's head, then uppercuts him. Pyro falls over.
Caboose: Hate.
He stomps Pyro's head, turning it to mush.
Caboose: BABIES!!!
7-8
(Cue You're Gonna Go Far, Kid- The Offspring https://youtu.be/ql9-82oV2JE)
Meanwhile Wash ducks a shot from Soldier's shotgun, snatching it and firing at him. Soldier rolls out of the way and Wash runs out of ammo. He throws the gun aside and rushes Soldier, bashing him in the mouth. Soldier stumbles back and Wash kicks him in the gut, sending him toppling over. Meanwhile Flowers is in the base.
(Cue Right Behind You- TF2 https://youtu.be/ciL7OKWSu10)
Flowers: Come out right now!
Spy decloaks behind Flowers.
Spy: Right behind you.
Flowers turns his head.
Flowers: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH-
6-8
(Cue One Punch Man Opening Theme- Jonathan Young https://youtu.be/XMCYNH1EJTg)
Tex and Heavy's fists clash. Tex kicks Heavy across the face. Heavy rapidly punches, and Tex rapidly blocks. They appear to be at a stalemate.
Meanwhile, Church has ducked behind a rock as Sniper is taking shots at him.
Tex: Church, shoot at him!
Church: Why? It's not like I'm gonna magically just fire the gun without aiming and
BANG
Sniper falls down the cliff.
Church: OH MY GOD!
6-7
Meanwhile Scout's head falls off his body.
Tucker: Bow chicka bow wow.
6-6
Medic: Zis is over!
(Cue Heavy's Theme- TF2 https://youtu.be/PDM2qukzKwg)
Medic ubercharges Heavy, and he headbutts Tex, bringing her to a knee.
Tex: Agh! What the-
Church: Tex!
Church runs at Heavy and jumps up, but Heavy catches his leg and throws him into the base's wall.
Tex: Church!
Heavy: Cry some more.
Tex: (cracking knuckles) You just turned Church into a bad piece of modern artwork.
Tex sprints at Heavy, punching him across the face but Heavy tanks the punch and kicks her away. Meanwhile, Soldier has Wash cornered.
Soldier: Huttah. NECK SNAP!
Soldier snaps Wash's neck.
5-6
Caboose grabs a grenade and throws it at Heavy, but it goes over his head and lands at 'Flowers''s feet. He turns back into Spy, annoyed. The grenade explodes.
5-5
Tucker: Caboose! You killed Flowers, you teamkilling- oh. Good job, Caboose.
Caboose: Thank you, Tucker.
Church converts to his A.I form, Epsilon. He approaches Tucker.
Epsilon: Tucker, get the doctor guy!
Tucker: Got it!
Tucker jumps at Medic and stabs him. Heavy turns back to normal, shocked. He lunges at Tex but Tex dodges and kicks his arm, breaking it. Heavy screams in pain as Tex does a front-flip, attempting to kick him.
5-4
Soldier: Dammit!
Church turns back to his physical form. Tex kicks off Heavy's head.
5-3
Soldier: Dammit!
Meanwhile, Engineer has set up some level 3s but Caboose throws a sticky grenade. It hits Tex and she runs at Engineer. The explosion kills them both.
4-2
Soldier/Church: Dammit!
Tucker tackles Demo and stabs him in the heart.
4-1
Soldier: Dammit!
Church stands above Soldier menacingly.
Church: What was it? Huttah?
Church picks Soldier up and snaps his neck. Soldier falls to the floor.
Tucker: Yo Doc! We're dyin' out here! Bow chicka bow wow!
KO![]
Boomstick: Wow! That was awesome!
Wiz: Indeed, while Scout was faster than anyone on the Blue Team, he was physically weaker than Tucker or anyone for that matter.
Boomstick: There's also the fact that Tex and Caboose are physically stronger than any Blue Team member except for an Ubercharged Heavy, who stopped a train in End of the Line. Wiz, how'd Blue Team get past that?
Wiz: While an Ubercharged Heavy would cause trouble, he could be defeated by killing Medic.
Boomstick: once you kill Medic, Heavy will go back to his noraml state and then you can kill him.
Wiz: Also, the Blues had far superior firepower.
Boomstick: Looks like the REDs are gonna be blue.
Wiz: The winners are the Blue Team.
Next Time[]
???: Now then.. I guess I'd better clean up the rest of you.
???: Come on! Just try and stop me, you fakes!
Garou vs Stain!