Queen VS GLaDOS is a What If? Death Battle and the COMPLETED 17th battle by NEWChristianthepupbot.
Description[]
Deltarune VS Portal. The three laws of robotics don't stop computers from fighting each other. But then again, these two never followed those rules in the first place. Will Queen have her fun or will GLaDOS make this her first and last test.
Intro[]
Wiz: Anything can be both good and evil. We can't be certain if the technologic future we're headed in can either be considered a helpful utopia or our own apocalypse. But one thing's for certain about the future of robotic assists.
Boomstick: They'll be entertaining as hell and also have a weird relationship with mute people.
Wiz: Serial Number Q5U4EX7YY2E9N, or just Queen.
Boomstick: Did you just say th-I mean-Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System, or just GLaDOS. He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armour and skill to find out who would win A DEATH BATTLE!
Queen[]
Queen Takes Control of DEATH BATTLE! (Because It Seems Cool)
Wiz: There is a legend among heroes. A legend of hopes and dreams. A legend of light and dark. A legend...of DELTA RUNE.
Boomstick: The legend says that long ago, Humans and Monsters liv-wait sorry wrong script-That Lightners and Darkners are to live in peace and harmony, but if this perfect balance were to one day be contested, the world would end...Wait, what are Lightners and Darkners?
Wiz: Well, Lightners are humans and monsters that exist in the real world similar to ours. Meanwhile, Darkners are actually the common everyday objects we use. Like playing cards and dolls. These two things exist to bring us the Light World in Deltarune, which is just a different Earth.
Boomstick: One of the towns on this slightly different Earth is Hometown. This is a really nice place only populated by one human: Kris. The rest of the people living in the small town are polite monsters. Monsters like Noelle Holiday the reindeer, Berdly the bird, Susie the reptile and Sans the-WAIT, SANS UNDERTALE!?
Wiz: Oh, right. We should acknowledge that. Undertale and Deltarune feature many of the same characters in different situations, likely in an entirely new world. Even if they were the exact same as their Undertale counterparts, Kris has yet to fight them. This means Undertale scaling will be disregarded.
Boomstick: Oh, good. Talking about Undertale on this site would probably give the author terrible flashbacks. Anyways, Hometown would be a perfect place if not for The Knight. Who’s The Knight? We don’t know yet, but I bet it’s this guy. What we do know is that The Knight was creating Dark Fountains. These are magical beams that create gateways to Dark Worlds.
Wiz: These Dark Worlds are locations where any object brought in comes to life as a conscious being. And guess what; The Knight had plunged their blade into Hometown’s local computer lab. This turned one small room into a vast city called Cyber World. And the place was ruled by one woman: Q5U4EX7YY2E9N. Or just Queen.
Boomstick: How do you keep saying all-I mean-Queen is a menacing tyrant who-
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Queen: HO! (Explosion) Whoops That Was My Extra Dangerous Glass. (0:50)
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Boomstick: Wait what?
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BACKGROUND:
- Real Name: Serial Number Q5U4EX7YY2E9N.
- Height: An estimated 8’9’’ (267 cm).
- The Queen of Cyber World.
- The Personification of Hometown’s lab computers.
- Only plays mobile games.
- Talks Like This For: Some Reason (Weird).
- Wants you to get the banana.
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Wiz: As it turns out, this ruler wasn’t always a crazy tyrant. In fact, she’s the direct opposite. She’s incredibly informal, energetic, and was supported by her people for quite a while.
Boomstick: Queen just wanted people to have as much fun as they could. She was the living embodiment of a computer, after all. But things changed when Hometown’s internet access was mysteriously cut off. She went pretty insane, brainwashing some of her own citizens and banning all music unless it praised her and dissed the artist.
Wiz: And that was when The Knight created that fountain and gave Cyber World a new look. The Knight left, but Queen still took inspiration from their actions. See, her villainous behaviour wasn’t the result of bad programming or misinterpretations. Queen legitimately loved Lightners and wanted them to have fun.
Boomstick: So, she decided the only way for that fun to spread was to expand her Dark World from that little computer lab into the entire world. The only problem was that Darkners like herself couldn’t make fountains; only Lightners could. Lucky for her, 4 of them wondered right in her city. All she had to do was catch them and convince them to help her conquer the world.
Wiz: But, for some odd reason, most of them didn’t like world domination. But when you’re as tough as her, getting people to do things by force isn’t that bad either.
(Music: Attack of The Killer Queen)
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ABILITIES
- Flying Chair.
- Controlling Plugs.
- Electrical Manipulation.
- Explosive Baseballs.
- Cursor Beams.
- Battery Acid Shield.
- Vectorized Heads.
- Social Media Drama.
- ULTIMATE ATTACK!
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Wiz: She already had access to plugs and wires that could control people and even make them stronger. Of course, as a queen piece, she can go direction she wants using her flying chair. This chair can give her a wide range of new powers.
Boomstick: Starting with the more basic powers; Queen can summon holograms out of nowhere, make some quick calculations, and even has access to your entire search histor-oh no. Damn, already starting with her most powerful ability.
Wiz: While that may be her most dangerous move, that’s not the only thing she has. Queen can throw baseballs that can explode (1:27), carries a wine glass that can...also explode on impact...and an exploding car (1:15).
Boomstick: “She really likes blowing up on the internet,” that’s what you’re trying to say. Now, finally, direct combat. Queen’s most simple attack is to step on you (1:04)...Wow, Toby Fox was way ahead of the fanbase.
Wiz: Out of nowhere, Queen can summon cursors that can shoot blue beams at whoever opposes her (1:49). She can also create laughing heads that can explode into other heads (1:21). Going back to those cords, they’re able to link to surfaces and electrify them (2:45), even shooting electricity themselves.
Boomstick: Then we have her most internety attack where she summons a chatroom conversation only to drop some drama (3:22) and drinks from the sidelines and everyone fights each other. If you’re wondering why I haven’t commented about her alcoholism yet, it’s because her drink of choice is BATTERY ACID! Not my personal taste, but she can generate a shield from it (2:05), so who am I to judge?
Wiz: But her true ultimate attack is the...hold on, it’s loading (5:13)...Oh...Oh, it failed to load and blinded the screen. According to Queen, the internet is down so she can't use it. But it was going to involve ‘memes’ so maybe ignorance is bliss.
Boomstick: Using all her power, she narrowed her sites on the shy and timid Noelle Holiday. Apparently, she was “strong” and I’d elaborate but that route was terrifying. Point is: she was the Lightner that would help Queen expand her Dark World. But she wasn’t just a tool. Queen felt genuinely concerned about her wellbeing after looking at her “strange and sad searches.”
Wiz: In truth, Queen never felt contempt for anyone...except Berdly because he’s THAT kind of gamer. She even formed a truce with the very human trying to stop her to find Noelle, befriending them on the way. Still, Queen was on a quest to bring fun by force; if said no to that fun, she had a solution.
Boomstick: That solution came in the form of a giant freaking robot delightfully labelled GIGA QUEEN.
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GIGA QUEEN:
- Height: Around 90-95 feet tall (27-29 meters).
- Piloted by Queen in her final battle.
- Attacks:
- Missile Chest.
- Fire Breath.
- Duplication.
- Battery Acid Spray.
- Baseballs.
- Detachable hands.
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Boomstick: This is one pretty freaking powerful robot. It’s estimated to be around 90 feet tall and is made for some pretty intense combat. It even comes with a giant acid glass that it can spill all over people (3:32) and fire lasers with (0:13).
Wiz: Despite its size, Giga Queen is surprisingly agile. It’s able to spin, jump and fight like any other enemy. Impressive considering it should likely weigh over a thousand tons.
Boomstick: Giga Queen doesn’t just kick or show her lack of manners to defeat someone. She comes prepackaged with fire breath (5:12), chest missiles (3:17), actual boxing gloves (3:54), weird wheels (3:04), and detachable hands (7:06).
Wiz: Of course, it wouldn’t be Queen without weird disjointed abilities. She can clone her giant robot (4:35)...I’m not sure how that works or why she doesn’t do that very often, but it is something she can do. I assume it's only for one move, but it's still weird.
Boomstick: I personally think her weirdest ability is summoning really big baseballs (2:09), especially the really REALLY big baseball that is her final attack (6:46).
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FEATS:
- Harmed, kept up with and took hits from The Delta Warriors.
- Avoided an explosion.
- Threw a baseball so hard it exploded.
- Survived getting hit by her ultimate attack.
- Became the most popular figure in Cyber World.
- Was only defeated by the entire city uniting to fight her.
- Should be stronger than Berdly, who carried this 8-ton statue.
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Boomstick: Said really big baseball can be easily thrown down and punched back at her by the Thrash Machine, the other mech she was fighting. The ball going at the force should, according to this calc, be worth 0.00000012 GIGATONS of TNT.
Wiz: It...doesn’t sound very impressive using that unit.
Boomstick: I just thought it was fitting. It should actually be about 120 tons of TNT.
Wiz: While base Queen could never hope to be that powerful, she isn’t a slouch either. She can throw a baseball so hard it explodes and managed to take on Kris, Susie and Ralsei: The Delta Warriors...or The Fun Gang...or Lancer Fan Club...or The ?!? Squad.
Boomstick: Before they fought Queen, The ?!? Squad took on local small power-hungry Tumblr sexyman Spamton G. Spamton. Spamton, in his best form, could generate yet another explosion that’s worth a good 28 Kilograms of TNT. Not as impressive as Giga Queen, but that’s a giant robot so duh.
Wiz: And during their fight with Spamton, The Lancer Fan Club was forced to dodge the soundwaves of a phone. These are, obviously, the speed of sound and dodging them should mean Kris and the other can move at Mach 1.7, or 2100 kilometres per hour. She could even fly away from an explosion caused by Berdly (7:28). Regular explosions have a detonation speed ranging from Mach 5 to Mach 20.
Boomstick: Pretty fast. And she can even think fast, too. We’re not sure what model Queen is, but a ton of computers can perform 10 billion operations per second! And Queen can even run simulations to find out if she can win a fight!
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Berdly: You may have mastered the number three, but can you stand up against FOUR of us!?
Queen: Running Simulation For: The Number Four...Hmm...You Are Definitely Going To Kick: My Ass. (9:48)
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Wiz: Of course, operations don’t always mean intelligence. Queen isn’t exactly the wisest. She was easily fooled by Noelle's disguise, forgets to calibrate cages or plan ahead, and can be easily tricked into drinking her own shield...that was a sentence I never thought I’d say.
Pop-up: As a Darkner, Queen will revert to a computer upon entering the Light Word or turn to stone after entering a different Dark World for a few hours. This will not be counted in the verdict or the fight on the fact that this fight could just take place in the Dark World.
Boomstick: Yeah, honestly she wasn’t even that locked onto the whole world domination thing. At her most psychotic, she threatened to crush Noelle’s crush. But, after a character arc, the formerly shy and timid deer stood up for herself and said she’d never be happy with Queen controlling her.
Wiz: Upon hearing this Queen...stopped. Seeing that she betrayed her principles, she asked Noelle to do what she thought was best…Create a fountain for herself.
Boomstick: And then she really changed her mind when they all found out creating too many fountains would actually DESTROY the world. Queen immediately took everything back, let everybody leave and downgraded herself to wacky roommate in the main Dark World.
Wiz: Queen can be seen as a lot of things. A representation of Noelle’s mother; of a lot of people’s mother. But she is, at the end of the day, a computer. A device that was built to share information, used to have fun. But perhaps it has gotten out of control over the pas-
Boomstick: Wiz, I know this is the part where we usually conclude with something scary or deep, but there is no way you’re gonna make the girl that unironically says LMAO intimidating. Queen, like the internet, is about as dangerous as she is goofy.
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“Oh Dear. I Do Sincerely Quite Like You Two. It Will Be A Shame To Force You To Serve Me...An Enjoyable Shame!”
-Serial Number Q5U4EX7YY2E9N (0:47)
GLaDOS[]
GLaDOS Runs Some Tests for DEATH BATTLE!
Wiz: If you’ve ever thought about the scientific method and believed it to be about “why?” then you are not Cave Johnson. Cave held the firm belief that science was about “why not?”
Boomstick: He thought this way because he wasn’t exactly a scientist. But he had made some incredible shower curtains which got him a billion-dollar fortune, and so he used that money to construct the greatest science company known to man: Aperture Science Innovators.
Wiz: It was a facility dedicated to bettering humanity, located in a 4-kilometre deep salt mine in Michigan. With a pretty decent motto, too. “We do what we must because we can.” So, with all this in place, Johnson must have had some pretty stand-up ideas, right?
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Cave: I’m going to get my engineers to invent a COMBUSTIBLE LEMON that BURNS YOUR HOUSE DOWN! (0:24)
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Boomstick:...I think that sounds pretty cool.
Wiz: Well, to the rest of the world, Cave Johnson was a mad man. His experiments were lethal, like replacing someone’s blood with actual gasoline and injecting mantis DNA into people. But not all of his insane ideas were disasters.
Boomstick: The lab had already discovered an invention that would change the world forever, the Aperture Science Quantum Tunneling Device. He even had a nice assistant to keep him sane: Caroline. Of course, Aperture Laboratories (he changed the name) was still heading towards disaster.
Wiz: After testing on employees, Black Mesa apparently stealing designs, and a scam across the multiverse, Aperture was almost bankrupt. Cave’s last purchase was moon rocks which they ground into a gel they used for building chambers...This was dangerous and Cave was now on the verge of death. Still, Cave wasn’t above cheating death and had one last incredible idea: Why not upload the human brain onto a compact disk?
Boomstick:...And then he died before it was completed.
Boomstick: But they needed someone to run Aperture and according to Cave’s will, it had to be Caroline...whether she liked it or not. It’s implied that Caroline’s brain transfer was against her will, and when it happened, she died. However, the result was the most advanced computing system ever made: the Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System, or just GLaDOS.
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BACKGROUND:
- Real Name: Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System, Caroline.
- Height:...Technically 4 kilometres, but that’s the facility.
- Weight: I am not measuring the weight of an entire facility.
- Brought online in 1998.
- Overseer of the entire Aperture Science Enrichment Center.
- Likes: Testing.
- Dislikes: Test subjects.
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Wiz: GLaDOS was the pinnacle of artificial intelligence. A human brain perfectly merged with the complex robotic body of a computer...and she was angry. The first thing she ever did when turned on was try to kill everyone in the enrichment center.
Boomstick: The scientists needed a way to make her behave, and they found one. PERSONALITY CORES! They’re these little AI balls they attached to GLaDOS to make her safer. Stuff like morality core, the curiosity core and other things that made her calm down. Even a core whose sole purpose was to give GLaDOS terrible ideas. I wonder if he'll be important later.
Wiz: GLaDOS was safely brought online in 1998. She no longer desired murder. In fact, she wanted to do science. The scientists agreed to let her conduct an experiment on Take Your Daughter to Work Day...involving Neurotoxin.
Boomstick: For scientists, they sure are dumb. And that’s why GLaDOS killed almost all of them. See, her villainous behaviour wasn’t the result of bad programming or misinterpretations. GLaDOS HATED humans. And with them gone, it was just her, some test subjects, and Aperture’s wonderful technology.
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APERTURE TECH:
- Moving tiles.
- Turrets.
- Atlas and P-Body, with Portal Gun.
- Crushers.
- Laser beams with Redirectional Cubes.
- Hard Light Bridge.
- Repulsion and Propulsion Gel
- Animal King Turret
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Wiz: A lot of their products they made were to test the limits of Quantum Tunneling Device, or just Portal Gun for short. It’s a gun that can shoot two portals which form a wormhole that connects the two locations in time and space. Basically, imagine shooting a door that can take you anywhere. GLaDOS can even create a couple at will.
Boomstick: Aperture mostly used humans to test this thing, but eventually came up with a better answer. Instead of humans that can't trust each other, they made two goofy robots that can't trust each other named Atlas and P-body. Their GLaDOS’ personal whipping boys she uses to get her things and test. Yeah, she still liked doing science despite never actually getting any data out of it. She also liked blowing these bots up because they have a ton of robot bodies.
Wiz: Aperture didn’t just make portal guns and dangerous robots...well, one dangerous robot. They also have gels. Blue is Repulsion, which makes people bounce. Orange is Propulsion, which makes people go faster. But, when I said GLaDOS has control of the facility, did you expect me to also mean the walls? The walls and floors of Aperture are made of tiles that can be moved by GLaDOS. These also come with crushers that...you know.
Boomstick: Just in case accidental murder wasn’t enough, Cave designed things that could intentionally kill people too! Case in point: The Turrets. They can talk, they can sing and they can shoot you in the face on sight! They even fire the entire bulle-WAIT A MINUTE, THAT’S A TERRIBLE IDEA! Bullets don’t work like that! They have shells for a damn reason! That’s basically just going to bruise you.
Wiz: Despite that, they can dent lockers, pierce flesh and can fire at twice the speed of sound at fastest...but they can also completely malfunction by simply tipping over. Aperture was much more effective with their lasers. There’s the Hard Light Bridge which is basically solid light, but also regular lasers. They are stationary, but they can be moved by portal guns or the reflective cube. They’re so hot that they can burn turrets despite all Aperture products being capable of surviving tempertures up to 4000 Kelvin.
Boomstick: But all that pales in comparison to the ANIMAL KING TURRET! It...doesn’t do much besides be big and provide deep bass in an opera. But Lego Dimensions shows it can shoot missiles (6:00) so that sounds pretty useful.
Pop-up: Without modifications, it only shoots rifle bullets.
Wiz: Perhaps the true most impressive thing in Aperture is GLaDOS herself. Test subject Chell found this out when she was woken up to test only to be betrayed by GLaDOS. While she did defeat GLaDOS by removing all her cores, she exploded. But she was later rebuilt with a vengeance and quite the mouth.
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GLaDOS: (0:00) “The jumpsuit you’re wearing looks stupid.” That’s not me talking, it’s right here in your file. On other people, it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks ‘stupid.’ Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably-oh wait, it’s a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In fashion! From France!
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Boomstick: She also called Chell heavy and adopted way too many times to count. What did fat adoptees ever do the GLaDOS?
Wiz: Well, regardless, she doesn’t just talk people to death.
(Music: Reconstructing More Science)
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GLADOS HERSELF
- Advanced computer mind.
- Bombs.
- Bomb shield.
- Neurotoxin.
- Electric Conductors.
- Missile Turrets.
- Claw arm.
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Boomstick: Against GLaDOS, Chell had to deal with all kinds of shit, including everyone’s second least favourite gas: Deadly Neurotoxin. But if that doesn’t do the job quick enough, our robot in charge has some fun weapons at her disposal. Like a giant crusher.
Wiz: To actually hold things together, GLaDOS can access some cranes and claw arm. Another weapon of hers are electricity conductors she can use to shock people (9:55).
Boomstick: Is that Gandalf?
Wiz: Oh yeah, that happened one time. Believe it or not, they defeated her by making her talk will Hal 9000.
Boomstick: Well that’s a match made in robot hell. Speaking of hell, she’s pretty willing to send people there using actual competent turrets that can shoot missiles and some classic bombs. Her body even comes with a free bomb-proof shield. (I know that's not her but she can do that, I'll explain later).
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FEATS:
- Killed the entirety of Aperture.
- Made that decision less than a picosecond.
- Managed to pull someone out of the vacuum of space.
- Survived beatings from missiles and bombs.
- Helped defeat Wheatley as a potato.
- Has technology that can vaporize people.
- Manipulated Chell with the promise of cake. SHE LIED!
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Boomstick: Those bombs pack good force, too. One time, five of them were piled up together. The resulting explosion was worth over one million joules or a stick of dynamite. This means just one should be about 250000 joules worth of force following this calculation.
Wiz: Chell is harmed by a lot of Apertures tech and yet still managed to survive this explosion. But that’s far from the best GLaDOS has. Recall the lasers that can burn turrets. Assuming they’re made of carbon steel and hallow, the laser should have an energy of 600 MILLION joules or 141 kilograms of TNT. And they should also travel at the speed of light.
Boomstick: GLaDOS herself can’t exactly move that fast, or at all, really. But she can certainly think fast. According to Doug Rattmann, who isn’t joking given what the other guy says, GLaDOS made the decision to kill her creators in 1/16th of a PICOSECOND. Damn, imagine the internet speed at Aperture.
Wiz: A picosecond is a unit of time that measures one TRILLIONTH of a second. This means GLaDOS’ computer programming can make decisions 50000 times faster than LIGHT!
Boomstick: I dunno if the engineers are smart because they could make a computer like that or stupid for letting it run after shoving a girl inside of it. And they even gave her the skills to deal in a poker game with people li-IS THAT ASH WILLIAMS?
Wiz: Oh, yeah, that also happened one time. Still, no matter which universe she’s in, she’s incredibly advanced.
Boomstick: But then again, GLaDOS isn’t perfect. She can be stunned by explosives, seems to be affected by paradoxes and is…afraid of birds.
Wiz: Furthermore, the central core that gives GLaDOS control of the facility can be removed and replaced by a different personality core, and it’s actually quite easy to do.
Boomstick: This is exactly what happened when Chell faced GLaDOS again with the help of local small power-hungry Tumblr sexyman Wheatley. He was that idiot core earlier that gave GLaDOS a bunch of bad ideas.
Wiz: But he guaranteed Chell that it would be a really good idea to disconnect GLaDOS and put him in charge of the enrichment center.
Boomstick: I don’t see how that could possibly go wrong…except for the part where Wheatley decided to betray Chell and go completely insane, even trapping GLaDOS inside a potato battery.
Wiz: It was in the depths of the enrichment center where GLaDOS did the unthinkable; she actually teamed up with the very girl who cruelly murdered her.
Boomstick: Considering GLaDOS tried to bake Chell into a cake first, I think we should add gaslighting into her notable abilities.
Wiz: After pushing all that aside, GLaDOS actually managed to reconnect with the woman she once was: Caroline. GLaDOS and Chell decided to finally take down that personality core, who was already on a route to blowing up the entire facility.
Boomstick: Luckily, Chell remembered Aperture was made out of moon rocks and shot a portal TO THE MOON. And then GLaDOS’ robot arm managed to grab her out of the vacuum of space so she could talk to Chell about how she learned where her human side is…and how to delete it.
Wiz: After becoming the murderous robot once again, GLaDOS admitted that Chell was incredibly hard to kill, and thus did the unthinkable again; she let her go free…But the thing is, she still had a perfect opportunity to kill her with turrets, but instead gave her a goodbye via a…turret opera. Weird, but it was a sign that Caroline wasn’t as dead as many think.
Boomstick: Maybe just being connected to the Aperture mainframe makes you evil, along giving you a weird a desire to sing a song whenever you’re defeated. But opera or no opera, GLaDOS is a powerful robot with control of a lab full of deadly weapons. She wants you gone, and long after that, she'll be still alive.
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“I hope you brought something stronger than a portal gun this time. Otherwise, I’m afraid you’re about to become the immediate past president of the being alive club.”
-Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System (2:04)
Still A Killer Queen[]
Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set and we've run the data through all possiblities.
Boomstick: IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLE!
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“Hey, Kris,” requested a meek reindeer by the name of Noelle. “Remember those disks of the portal games I let you borrow? Where’d they go?”
The human thought for a moment about where they could have dropped them…You couldn’t see it due to their hair, but their eyes shrank as they turned towards the school storage closet. It was a Dark World containing all of their former enemies, now friends. This included-
Zwoop.
Queen exited the tube-like elevator door. She had found her way here thanks to entering a mysterious blue portal in Castle Town, which brought her to a place that looked like the Light World with a giant facility in the middle. The tall blue woman walked along the stairs until she found a circular door. It twisted itself open and revealed a rather strange white and black room full of all sorts of weird equipment. “Wow Cool Place.”
A distinctive robotic voice ran through the speakers. “Welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center. You look very…unique.” It was the voice of GLaDOS, who ran this science center. “I never thought I’d say this, but I can’t test right now. I’m busy analyzing these readings about our plane of reality. Just wait and then you can have your party.”
“Initiating Waiting Protocol…Okay Can We Have That Party Now? I Am: Bored.”
“Well, first you have to test, but you’ll have to wait until I’m done with these readings. Would you like me to explain that in slow motion?”
“No I’m Impatient LMAO. Surrender Your: Party.” Her eyes flashed red text reading ‘HAHA.’
“Oh, so it’s going to be like that?” GLaDOS' voice turned aggressive. “Here, I’ll surrender something to you.” The vents in the chamber began emmitting something very dangerous. A toxic green gas, better known as Deadly Neurotoxin. The entire roof became submerged in the toxic gas, including the area around Queen…But she showed no reaction.
(Music: Smart Race But It Drops Harder)
“Is This Your Perfume?” Queen asked.
“...Interesting…” The commander of Aperture’s tone went back to its coldness. “Fine, I’ll test with you.”
“Perfect.” Queen’s eyes flashed with question marks. “Wait What Are We Testing?”
The robotic voice now contained a sadistic tone. “Your survivability under very harsh conditions.”
FIGHT![]
One of the white panels on the wall suddenly extended and tilted up. Out of nowhere, an orange portal appeared. A strange sphere was sent out of the portal and landed next to Queen. Boom! “HOH!” Queen exclaimed in surprise. But that was only the first of the explosives. Several others came out of the orange portal, so Queen quickly ran. To counter this, GLaDOS moved the portal to other panels. Boom! Boom! BOOM!
“Please stay in one location so we can stop wasting valuable explosives.”
Queen stood still. “Alright Sure I Have Nothing Better To Do.” Her visor flashed the word ‘LYING.’ A bomb came shooting out of a portal and travelled to the computer, who simply pulled a baseball out of nowhere and threw it at the explosive. Kerblew! The resulting blast was now low quality and pixelated. “Thanks For The Target Pra-”
GLaDOS started sending bombs by the tens. Already sensing the danger, Queen ran as fast as she could away from the incoming weapons until she could she another chamber door in the distance. The darkner pulled another baseball out of nowhere and threw it at the chamber door, blowing it up. She passed through it and jumped on the elevator.
“That’s not how this chamber is completed," complained GLaDOS.
Queen laughed. “Don't Care + Didn't Ask + Ohohoho!"
“Oh, so you don’t care? You don’t care that my science is now in jeopardy because of your little antics? I see. Well, why don’t I show you some robots who do care about science.”
“Wow It’s Just: A Joke,” Queen responded as she left the elevator. This next chamber contained a strange light going from wall to wall, random platforms with panels, and another door. Said other door opened up, and two portal gun-wielding robots emerged from it. The round Atlas and the lean P-body.
“Hello Blue and Orange, my killing machines. Your next test is to bring her to me. Preferably in several pieces,” suggested GLaDOS over the speaker. Atlas put up their hands as if it was boxing while P-Body merely cocked their portal gun like a real gun. Neither action actually looked intimidating.
Queen smiled. “Oh I’m So Scared (I Actually Think You Two Look Adorable). If Only I Had: A Dozen Explosive Glasses.” Then the ruler took out a dozen explosive glasses of pure battery acid from, you guessed it, nowhere. “Oh Wait I Do. Activating ‘What Is A Man’ Protocol.”
The glasses were thrown. Kerblew! Upon hitting the ground, a poor-quality explosion popped up, shocking the robots. They quickly ran around like chickens without heads as Queen threw more drinks at them. They even tried shooting the glasses with portal guns, but that didn’t work. Atlas, however, did have an idea. Off in the distance was a hard light bridge for a test, but Atlas quickly shot a portal at the end of it. They shot another at a tile right in the middle of the robots and the queen, creating a hard light shield.
The robots high-fived at the genius plan, but Queen simply laughed. “Ohohohoho!” As she gave that royal laugh, two long blue strings came down from the ceiling. They hooked onto Queen’s side of the floor and sparks began emerging. ZAAAAAAPPP! The floor was packed with electricity which travelled through to the robot's side. This completely shocked them, causing their arms to fail and programming to go wonky.
Through the shock, P-body’s finger slipped. An incomplete orange portal spawned, its existence saving P-body from the electricity. As Atlas was still getting filled with eletricity, their partner shot another portal onto the ceiling. P-body fell through and was now high above Queen. As they landed on the floor, they (Wonk!) hit Queen on the head with the portal gun. P-body then smacked Queen a few more times with the portal gun. “OH! OW! WOH!” The beating ended the shocks. However, Wham! Queen ended the combo by quickly kicking P-body.
P-body was sent back, but hit the hard light wall, keeping them standing. Upon seeing an unshocked Atlas wave at them, they shot a portal to the ground, allowing Atlas to jump through and join their robot companion. Queen was prepared to fight but stepped back when Atlas shot a portal at her feet. The bridge emerged upwards and almost sliced Queen’s face open, but she escaped. Atlas tried again but Queen backed away. They tried again and again. P-body decided to help and shot a portal somewhere, then another behind Queen, who fell right through when she dodged again. Once she went through, P-body shot another portal just where Queen would land.
“WOOOOOOOOAH!”
The orange portals were 10 feet from each other, in a small space where two white tiles face each other from floor to piece sticking out of the wall. It trapped GLaDOS in an infinite falling loop. Atlas and P-body came forward as they watched. “Good work, you two,” the speakers announced. “Now, throw something small and replaceable in there. At her falling speeds, the force sho-”
As a joke, P-body threw Atlas in.
BOOM!
Due to not following instructions, the explosion tore Atlas apart while it also sent Queen out of the loop. She got her face out of the panelled ground and looked at P-body. “Wow Thanks.”
“You know what this means, Orange,” warned GLaDOS, her anger starting to show. But Bam! Queen quickly kicked P-body to the wall, and due to the self-destruct function activated by the overseer, the robots flying body blew part of it up. BOOM! Queen swiftly took this opportunity to run through the hole in the wall and into the chamber right next door.
Queen dashed into the chamber. A lot of it was simply a long, straight and narrow platform that was elevated highly; at the end of it was a circular door. Thinking on instinct, Queen started walking towards that door. “Honestly This Is A Pretty Cool Place,” she said, her eyes reading ‘TRUE.’ What she didn’t notice was that she was getting faster.
“For as annoying as you are, I admire your taste. I’m especially fond of the acid pits.”
“Oooh You Have Ac-” Boing! Queen was suddenly launched into the air. She’d failed to see the orange gel making her speed quickly into the blue gel, which bounced her high. And she (Bonk!) hit the wall of the chamber and fell down into the pit of acidic goo below.
“We may not have her parts, but at le-”
“Right Here Darling.” GLaDOS was surprised to see that Queen was now slowly rising from the steep acid pit, being carried by a blue chair with a jet attached. Queen just smiled and sipped from her refilled wine glass. “And Thanks For The Refreshment.” Queen pointed her finger at a nearby wall and black boxes appeared. From those black boxes came cursors which shot beams. The beams blew right through the wall and Queen flew her chair out.
The area outside of Aperture was a vast and empty space full of nothing but the test chambers and conveyor belts to transport equipment. It was quiet, aside from the zooming rocket chair travelling up the facility and the-
SMASH!
-crushers slamming together to try and stop her from going any further.
SMASH! SMASH! SMASH! They collided and collided, but no two crushers had managed to reduce Queen to a flat plate of spare parts. “Hey Chat Do These Things Ever Hit Anything?”
“One: my name's not Chat. Two: most of the people they crush don't have flying chairs. Three: even if they did, I could still just redirect them.”
Right on Queen’s course, a panel slowly moved down with an orange portal manifested on it. Thanks to the crushers manipulating her via the dodging, Queen flew right through the portal. It then closed.
Queen found herself and yet another test chamber far from where she was before. The chamber was just a white room full of several panels. The ones on the floor were elevated to look like stairs. And on those stairs were several dozen white turrets. And all locked their laser’s aim onto Queen.
“Hello friend~” they sang in unison.
RATTATTATTATTATTATTATTATTATTATTA!
Bullets flew everywhere around Queen, some even hitting her and her chair. Luckily, she blocked her face with her arm and the bullets weren’t that effective. They still did really hurt and would critically injure Queen if she stood still for any longer, so she raised her glass. From the glass, a shield was projected which started ricocheting the bullets.
The turrets still fired and fired. They weren’t giving up any time soon. So, Queen thought of the best idea her computer brain could simulate. She stuck her head out from behind the shield.
“DRAMA.”
A giant hologram of the word ‘drama’ manifested and travelled across the chamber to the firing turrets. And then it disappeared.
“Oh drama!” “I love drama!” “I hate drama!” “I’m right, you’re wrong!” “I’m wrong, you’re right!” “They’re innocent!” “They’re guilty!” “I respect your opinion but-”
As they argued in that elegant voice, all the turrets turned and fired at one another. The back rows shot the front rows, the left fought the right. It was a turret blood bath that resulted in a bunch of bullets flying everywhere and-(BOOM! BANG! POW! POP!) a few explosions. When all was done, there were only pieces of turrets left.
(Music Stop)
The speakers were silent. “...Fine. I see now that just throwing you at random robots isn’t going to do anything. You want a party? Come get your cake.” A blue portal opened up in the chamber. Queen, just as excited for cake as anyone else would be, flew in without a second thought.
(Music: Bombs For Throwing At You)
Instead of cake, Queen entered a very strange and empty chamber. It was vast, full of panels, and at the center of it all was a hanging computer with an aggressive orange eye. But she noticed something even worse and scarier in the room. The absence of something.
“Where Cake?”
“Far downstairs. But luckily for you, we can still have that celebration you wanted. Enjoy the fireworks. And by fireworks, I mean missiles. And by enjoy, I mean get killed by.”
From the ground, special turrets popped up and pointed their lasers at Queen, all at the same time. They said absolutely nothing and simply fired the missiles loaded into their bodies. BOOM! All the missiles intercepted, creating a huge explosion. When the dust cleared, Queen was still flying from her chair, mostly unharmed except for the fact that her shield was broken and she no longer had a glass.
The missile turrets fired once again, but Queen flew her chair left as fast as she could, avoiding the missiles. To counter them, she summoned more voids where cursors popped out. Beams fired from them. Bang! Bang! Each one directly hit the turrets and destroyed them.
“Aperture property can be repaired quickly.” From a hole in the GLaDOS body and a few other places in the chamber, bombs from before began to shoot out at Queen. “When you’re broken, I’ll officially declare you as Aperture property. Do you know what that means?” Queen was navigating her chair as precisely as she could, and while she was dodging some of the bombs, she still got (Boom!) hit by them a few (Boom!) times. “It means I’ll be able to see what makes you tick and repair you, only so I can kill you again and again and again.”
To counter the bombs, Queen began summoning holographic heads that manifested out of nowhere. They were sent towards the incoming bombs and gave a laugh “Ohohoho!” before blowing up into several other heads, taking the bombs with them. POW! BOOM! KERBLEW! Heads were flying so much that GLaDOS had to quickly bring down a bomb shield to protect herself. With bombs no longer an option, the overseer brought down her crusher.
SMASH!
It missed because Queen flew slightly to the right…But that spot was a tint grayer than the others and marked that way for a reason. Two tiles across the room were moved forward by GLaDOS, who made an orange and blue portal appear on each. “NOW!”
Inside the portal, Queen could see Atlas and P-body completely reconstructed and good as new. Each used the telekinetic property of the portal gun to move a redirectional cube into a laser field. Two red lasers were brought out of the portals and directly at the darkner. She quickly turned away from the lasers, using her chair as a defence.
The lasers pierced the chair, so Queen hopped off. The flying chair caught fire and blasted out of control, blasting in a random direction. That random direction happened to be the blue portal holding Atlas, who was near P-body. The robots panicked as the chair blew them both up. KERBLEW!
Queen, now without a chair, laughed. “(Taunting Laugh That Makes You Way More Punchable) Seems This Entire Lair Is Full Of Amusing Yet Dimwitted Peons. OHOHO-WOAH!” The darkner had failed to notice the robot claw grabbing her leg, and was punished for it when she got dragged across the room. Panels were brought forward just so she could hit them. Once she’d been smashed against half to room, the aimed carried her upside down to face the overseer directly.
“I am the most massive collection of wisdom and knowledge to ever be created by mankind, and I HATE you.” WHAM! The robot had smashed Queen against the ground as hard as it could. For good measure, electric conductors were summoned, and ZAAAAAAAPped until she was incredibly injured. A giant crusher hovered over the fallen royalty. “Any last words? If you haven’t thought of any, you’ll have plenty of deaths to do so.”
“Just 4.” The darkner suddenly got up and pointed. “Oh No What That?”
(Music Stop)
GLaDOS didn’t even move. “...Did you really that would work on me?”
“Well, It Did Work On Kris And Berdly And-”
“BIRD!? Where!?” The operating system began spinning all over the chamber in panic. “KILLITKILLITKILLIT!”
As the AI chaotically spun, Queen comedically ran out of the room with a “Hoh!” Once she finally calmed down, GLaDOS looked around the room and realized her opponent was nowhere to be found.
“As if you can hide from me in my own enrichment center,” remarked GLaDOS as she turned on the cameras. “Now, let’s see where you…” the AI then saw something very unexpected. “Oh…Oh my.”
RUMBLE! RUMBLE! It felt like an earthquake around the facility until…POW! The entire wall of GLaDOS’ chamber was smashed open. The one who did that was operating a gigantic version of herself wearing a chest diamond and leotard who could also barely fit in the room. Truly the weirdest sight GLaDOS would see in her life. And it was also the part where Giga Queen kicks her ass.
“This Is The Part Where I Kick: Your Ass!”
(Music That Plays In The Part Where Giga Queen kicks GLaDOS’ ass: Walking On (Death) Eggs at 0:40 - M. Bulteau)
Still, GLaDOS wasn’t built to go down without a fight. She aimed her crusher at Giga Queen and ordered it forward. As it was launched out, Queen's hand suddenly became a boxing glove. THWACK! She hit the crusher as it came over, knocking it back towards GLaDOS and giving it space. When GLaDOS brought it forward again, the mecha used the space to quickly throw a kick. SMASH! Her foot travelled straight through the crusher. She used this position to move her foot to the side and ripped the panel off her opponent.
Once she got her foot out of the crusher, she faced her now tiny enemy. GLaDOS wasn’t frightened, or at least was good at hiding it. “Do you honestly think making yourself fatter going to help you? Regardless, here’s a final friend.” From out of nowhere, the Animal King Turret dropped. It was merely a weirdly textured turret half Giga Queen’s size, so she wasn't afraid to approach it. But then-
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAB!
The turret emitted a very loud, deep noise that sounded like it belonged in an opera. Once the soundwaves hit Queen, she and her robot both covered their ears and slowly moved back from the roaring turret. Was everything was ready, the turret opened its shooting holes and fired missiles.
BANG! BANG! BANG!
The moment Queen was hit by one, she opened her chest and began firing her own missiles.
BOOM! BOOM! BANG BANG! POW POW! KABOOM!
With the stray and direct missiles hitting everything, including each other, the room was slowly filled with a bright white light that took up everything. GLaDOS quickly protected herself with her shield.
When the light faded, GLaDOS’ shield was completed destroyed, the giant turret was a little damaged, and Queen was heavily dented with no hands. The computer’s enormous hands were actually across the room, smoking. Just like the rest of the room, which was falling apart. You could even see light from the surface peaking through. The overseer turned to the queen. “I think the test results have been clearly shown. If you interrupt science, you’ll get dented and lose your hands.”
“Oh I Am Very Dented,” admitted the giant dented Queen. “But The Hands Were On Purpose.” As she said this, her separated wrists began to spew out a jet’s fire.
“Wait, wha-”
Queen’s hands flew up. One formed a fist and punched the back of the AK-Turret so hard it broke in half. The other opened up and grabbed GLaDOS as it flew, ripping the robot from the operating system and leaving Aperture without a controller. Once her hands reattached, Queen summoned her giant acid glass and jumped up through the ceiling; into the outside world, blasting a green laser across Aperture. BAMBAMBAMBAM! Serveral explosions were happening at once.
“Self-destruct sequence engaged,” said Aperture’s other robotic announcer.
Once she landed, she put GLaDOS up to her face. “You massive moron!” yelled the robot. “Now the entire facility’s going to blow in six minutes!”
“Six Minutes? I Can’t Wait That Long.”
The robot aggressively dropped GLaDOS on one of the few roof pieces to not be completely destroyed. As the broken AI lay there, Giga Queen jumped and duplicated herself into sixteen other Giga Queens. They all raised their hands and charged one gargantuan baseball. Once it was complete, the group of giants threw it down the facility. As the flaming ultimate attack flew directly at GLaDOS, time seemed to slow down.
“Chell...as I lie here, unable to move, and look at this over eight hundred thousand ton projectile slowly approaching my enrichment center, I think about one key fact in our lives…You’re still heavier. Haha-”
KERBLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW!
The poor-quality explosion faded. Where there was once an entire science center with a rich history, a massive dirt crater was formed. As the ashes flew into the wind, an enormous robot landed in the center of it all. She put her hand on her cheek and made the back of it face her mouth as she laughed.
“OHOHOHOHOHOHOH!”
KO![]
Boomstick: Well, at least GLaDOS is going to have a lot of material for her next death song.
Wiz: This match was a lot closer than a lot of you would think. Both Queen and GLaDOS had fair advantages. Queen is a lot more versatile and had better moves for combat. Meanwhile, GLaDOS was a lot smarter and had a home-field advantage by literally BEING the area.
Boomstick: And believe it or not, GLaDOS did have a way to kill Queen quickly. Those lasers are 5 times more powerful than Queen’s best attacks or defences. But they did come with a problem. GLaDOS can’t just aim them and fire; they’re stationary and only in certain chambers. She’d have to get creative. But that would give Queen plenty of opportunities to see what she was doing and escape.
Wiz: Of course, you may think GLaDOS would have plenty of time with her picosecond reactions, but that’s where programming and engineering differ. While GLaDOS could think past the speed of light, she could never move that fast. Nothing at Aperture aside from the lasers and possibly turret bullets could outpace Queen's faster than sound speeds. But those would need to be intricately placed and could be easily countered. It didn’t help that the darkner could just aim and fire her attacks at GLaDOS and Aperture's weapons, no strategy needed.
Pop-up: While the Portal Gun could shoot a portal to the moon at incredible speed, it’s ineffective when it comes to combat. Shooting it at Queen would do nothing. Using it as a trap or to send back attacks would require the user to think and move at Queen’s Mach speeds, which the robots can’t.
Boomstick: And that also means GLaDOS would have a pretty hard time catching the computer, especially seeing as Queen's attack power surpassed GLaDOS’ durability 107 fold. But still, with GLaDOS thinking faster and being much more intelligent, she might find a way to trap Queen and end her for good…Too bad she didn’t account for the GIANT FUCKING ROBOT!
Wiz: Giga Queen was her key to victory. It’s no secret its attack and durability surpass even Aperture’s best weapon, the 600 million joule lasers, over 700 times with her using and surviving the 500 BILLION joule final attack. Add that with the several abilities that could easily overwhelm GLaDOS, even in her base form, and there’s no way GLaDOS could counter that.
Boomstick: Maybe you could argue that Queen's gullibility meant GLaDOS could manipulate her out of the giant robot. The problem is, Queen isn't a regular human. She is a being of chaos that GLaDOS has never experienced. She wouldn't know what to tempt her with or how to counter her unique powerset because she's not just a determined human whose good at puzzles with a portal gun. And everyone has a plan until the giant robot fires a wine laser. I never thought quirkiness would be a factor in deciding an outcome, but here we are.
Wiz: Even with her vastly superior programming, intelligence and ability to kill, GLaDOS just couldn’t stand up to Queen's better attacks, power, speed and unpredictability.
Boomstick: I’m sure Caroline wasn’t GLaD when she got dealt a losing hand that runed her chances at winning.
Wiz: The winner is Q5U4EX7YY2E9N.
Boomstick: Okay, seriously, how do you keep doing that?
Wiz: You have no idea how long my serial numbers are.
NEXT TIME[]
OBJECTION!
ACE ATTORNEY PROSECUTOR ROYALE
Q&A[]
(Now run through a grammar checker because I apparently lose 300 IQ typing on my own).
Why is Queen first when she's way less famous?
The thumbnail. When I flip the two images I used, it looks weird and I don't know why. Plus, Queen is a lot more comedic than GLaDOS and I just liked to idea of going from goofy to serious. Finally, I prefer shorter analyses first and GLaDOS has a lot more to go over than Queen.
Why did you ignore darkner weaknesses?
Because there was no meaningful way for GLaDOS to take advantage of them. If this took place in the real world, Queen would just be a computer that wouldn't fight. If this took place in another Dark World, Queen could just defeat GLaDOS faster than she would turn to stone. It does take a while. Basically, those weaknesses didn't matter.
What about the energy balls that could vaporize humans?
Those do contain a lot of energy. Too bad they're slow as fuck, stationary and only exist in a few chambers. There's no doubt the faster than sound Queen could avoid them or deflect them with her shield. Plus, there's the possibility that they only work on organic flesh, which Queen doesn't have.
Couldn't GLaDOS just defeat Queen before she got in the mech?
I don't do fights like that. I've learned to always go into the debate assuming the combatants are at their absolute best from the beginning.
What if GLaDOS just _________?
I'm sure you've thought about some creative ways GLaDOS could use her tools for Queen's demise, like shooting her into space or squeezing two portals together with her inside. But the point is that while GLaDOS had to make elaborate plans like that to win, Queen just had to attack faster than that could happen. She also has incredible mobility so good luck. And how exactly would you trap Giga Queen?
Are you certain with your verdict?
I haven't been this certain in a while...and I'm only 80% sure.
Opinions on the characters?
Both are among the best characters in games I love. Queen is, in my opinion, easily the funniest character in Deltarune right now. GLaDOS would absolutely be my favourite Portal character if Cave Johnson didn't exist. I know he's an absolute monster, but listen to these audios and tell me he's not hilarious. Overall, as a character: GLaDOS, as comic relief: Queen.
Would you want to see this as a Death Battle?
It sounds like a really fun fight, with decent connections and two characters I'd love to see. Definitely think it's Queen's best match and I used to think it was the best match of any character from Cyber World...My opinion of that changed when I thought of another match-up...but that's for [Another Day].
Trivia[]
-The connections between the two combatants are that they're both robotic female antagonists from computer puzzle games. Both have absolute control over a technological location. Both were also overthrown at one point by a small, abandoned Tumblr Sexyman. Both are considered funny characters while still being threats. Both also formed temporary truces with the mute protagonists of said games and eventually let them free with no strings attached.
-The battle music would be called Still A Killer Queen and would be an electronic track combining melodies from Deltarune and Portal. The track cover would be the Aperture logo acting as a sliced fruit stuck to a wine glass full of green acid, which would also be toasted by a blue hand coming out of an orange portal.
-The animation style would likely be sprite, but they could maybe try to be creative and combine it with Source Film Maker for a Who Framed Roger Rabbit type of effect. Queen in 2D and GLaDOS in 3D...I don't know how it would look, but it sounds cool in my head.