Death Battle Fanon Wiki
Advertisement
The Postal Dude VS The Antagonist

The Postal Dude vs The Antagonist is a What-If?Death Battle Fanon, and is the second of Kultunas' Fanons.

Description: Everyday human beings who have had enough! Go Postal or Go Psycho?! Who is the most bloodthirsty of them all?!

Interlude[]

Boomstick: IT'S TIME FOR A BLOODBATH!

Wiz: BOOMSTICK, you can't just- oh. I thought you were going to say...

Boomstick: Death Battle? We haven't even started yet, I'm just excited to see two crazy psycho killers fight each other!

Wiz: Killers like The Antagonist, A Man of Hate and Disgust.

Boomstick: And The Postal Dude, A Man Having a Bad Day! He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick!

Wiz: And it's our job to identify their weapons, armour and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle!

The Postal Dude[]

(Postal 2 Theme: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YkovJRvMqEU)

Boomstick: Now this is a guy who just couldn't catch a break in life! We open on him being abandoned in his hometown, going crazy and murdering everyone, and then finally wandering the world alone in his madness!

Wiz: Although he apparently regained sanity over time and has taken up a job with the company that made his game, which is somehow in his universe, Running With Scissors. He moved to Pradise, Arizona to take the job, and has been living there with his wife, The Bitch, and his pet dog, Champ.

Boomstick: What about my ex-wife?

Wiz: Wrong wife, Boomstick. Anyway, The Postal Dude was unfortunately fired on the first day of the job, and was forced to turn in his first paycheck into the bank, which was quickly robbed, while he was being followed by video game protesters armed with automatic weapons.

Boomstick: While being completely silly and unrealistic, this also triggered The Postal Dude's old habits and he quickly went MAILMAN on them!

Wiz: That... subversion trope didn't work Boomst-

Boomstick: I CAN MAKE PUNS, YEAH!

Wiz: ... Anyway, while going postal throughout Paradise, The Postal Dude ended up having to survive an onslaught of military, terrorist and civilian assaults, even escaping an atomic blast by car with his dog.

Boomstick: But he probably would've survived it anyway! This guy's got some mad strength, having impressive durability and endurance for a mere mortal, and even wears a bulletproof vest, just in case!

Wiz: Another piece of gear is rather important to note on him, his trenchcoat. The coat acts as a sort of Hammerspace pack, allowing him to store an enormous amount of supplies, ammunition and weaponry in there.

Boomstick: Along with cats.

Wiz: We... don't talk about that.

Boomstick: Cat silencing shotguns are a completely acceptable alternative! He even demonstrates this!

Cue clip of the Postal Dude demonstrating this (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lBt4nxOW5kM)

Wiz: What... is even happening there?

Boomstick: One of the Postal Dude's crippling weaknesses: He's nuts! Due to taking a pistol round point blank to the head from his (hopefully) ex-wife, he occasionally hallucinates!

Wiz: Why... Gary Coleman?

Boomstick: Don't ask.

(Song swap, Postal 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0LJSnD2KH8s)

Wiz: Well despite this, The Postal Dude shows a surprising familiarity with both firearms and melee weapons, able to make use of several deadly weapons with adequate skill and accuracy.

Boomstick: He also excels at using the environment to his advantage, knowing just what can be used as an improvised weapon! He even likes to carry an extra lighter and can of aerosol deodorant for an impromptu flamethrower!

Wiz: Speaking of fire, he has the odd ability to urinate at any time with such force that he can extinguish flames, and even put himself out if he's on fire.

Boomstick: Thank... you? I guess? I dunno, I still kinda want to shoot him.

Wiz: Not wise, considering he also has some mild telekinetic abilities, able to lift, collect and throw small objects with mere thought, although there is a limit to what he can lift, usually no larger than a table, and he can only use it for so long before depleting it and needing to wait before using this ability again.

Boomstick: But even through all this, he's still just a man, and while he can keep fighting even without being completely annihilated by pain and agony, he still dies all the same without medical attention.

Wiz: However, he has proven to be a powerful combatant; with excellent firearm skills and a surprising amount of feats under his belt-

Boomstick: Surviving an atomic blast, surviving getting shot in the head, surviving a zombie apocalypse, singlehandedly destroying a terrorist compound and stealing their explosives for a game ad... he's got a lot!

Wiz: This is certainly someone whose day you don't want to wreck.

The Postal Dude: You probably thought you weren't gonna die today! Surprise!

The Antagonist[]

(Hatred Theme: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qylnd8dg5LM)

The Antagonist: My name is not important...

Boomstick: Kinda hard to do this without a name, pal!

Wiz: Little else is known about the man named The Antagonist; even his childhood is a mystery. All that's known is that he grew up in the suburbs on the outskirts of New York City, and lived there all his life.

Boomstick: After listening to too much Evanescence and Muse and playing Call of Duty all the time, he became a fussy mother's worst nightmare: a man made violent... BY VIDEO GAMES!

Wiz: NO, that is NOT what happened! No one knows what triggered his immense hatred for humanity, but regardless he has developed such a revulsion for the "human worms" as he calls them that he has decided to try and kill as many as he can.

Boomstick: Cue his rampage, bang bang shooty funtimes! And he died during it by exploding a nuclear power plant, wiping out the suburb, probably the city and a good portion of the state, considering nuclear fallout and radiation.

Wiz: But even before his death he was an unstoppable monster of a man. Though only having space to carry four weapons at once, he showed enormous skill with whatever firearm presented.

Boomstick: Not surprising, considering he trained with military grade hardware in a firing range under his basement and with several human targets!

Wiz: Pistols, shotguns, assault rifles, rocket launchers, even flamethrowers, no gun is unknown to him. At least, no modern military gun is.

Boomstick: He also carries three kinds of grenades, for explosive variety! Frags, Flashbangs and Molotovs, because everyone loves fire!

Wiz: And if that doesn't finish the job, he makes use of a combat knife cross spiked knuckleduster, that he can use with deadly efficiency.

Boomstick: And lets talk about his martial skills while we're at it! He's got enough strength to kick down solid doors and send normal humans flying a good two feet before killing them in a fun and brutal manner, with adequate hand to hand to boot! HAH! MIGHTY BOOT!

Wiz: And that's something important to note: while he has no special powers perse, The Antagonist does have the unique ability of being able to regenerate through execution.

Boomstick: When confronted with a prone, knocked down or nearly dead human being, he can kill them and LITERALLY ABSORB THEIR LIFE FORCE, healing his own wounds to keep on killing!

Wiz: He also shows no adverse reaction to being shot, stabbed, or even struck with a rocket launcher, although he can still be killed.

(Song swap: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2LZrsptntE)

Boomstick: Able to bleed like any other man despite his otherwise stupidly specific form of regeneration, he can only take so much before falling down like a house of cards.

Wiz: His feats despite this are impressive, having invaded a military base single handedly and succeeding in not only wiping it out, but stealing several tonnes of C4 explosives...

Boomstick: Which he used to blow up said nuclear power plant in the intro!

Wiz: This is certainly a man who has lost all hope for humanity, and himself.

The Antagonist: It's time for me to kill. And it's time for me to die. My genocide crusade begins... here.

DEATH BATTLE![]

Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set, lets end this debate once and for all!

Boomstick: It's time for a DEATH BATTLE!

(Cue Intro Music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SFrxlxlQvI)

The Postal Dude is enjoying a lovely walk around New York City, taking a deep breath and smiling behind his wrap-around shades, looking around with a joyous smile at the special Weapons Show that day: thousands of firearms, bladed weapons, even improvised weapons made by random hacks, all out on display for enthusiasts and curious folk.

The Postal Dude: Ahhhh... the sun's shining in the sky, there's a lovely smell of pollution and corporate greed in the air... yeah, this is way better than Paradise. What could ruin this lovely day?

Record scratch sound is heard, several screams and shouts in the background along with gunshots. (Cue stop music)

The Postal Dude: Aw Fuck, I just had to open my mouth...

The Postal dude looks on in curiosity as several people run screaming towards his direction. New York Populace are slowly rousing as they try to flee from a terrifying figure; a man dressed entirely in black, his trenchcoat flowing in the wind, tatters of black hair drizzling around his face, as he looks up past his fringe, having just finished executing an unfortunate bakery owner, the woman still covered in a mixture of blood and frosted jam donuts.

The Antagonist grins dementedly at The Postal Dude, speaking directly at him.

The Antagonist: Sometimes... I think I kill them too fast...

(Cue Intro and Battle Music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K7WMsZn-gQ8)

The Postal Dude folds his arms, a single eyebrow raising from underneath his shades. His fingers are already wrapped around several shurikens hiding inside his coat arms.

The Postal Dude: Yeknow... here I was, just minding my own business, enjoying my second amendment rights... and then you people have to freak out on me.

The Antagonist rises to a full stance as The Postal Dude tilts his head backwards, smirking tauntingly.

FIGHT!

The Antagonist moves first, lifting up his automatic assault rifle, the simple M-16, and unleashes round after round.

The Postal Dude doesn't even flinch, already breaking into a sidestep run as he flings several shurikens towards the hapless and emo-dressed individual, the bladed stars flying in a singing arc towards their target.

The Antagonist dodges with ease, ducking under them and spinning, reloading as he turns, and preparing to fire off another blanketing round. The Postal Dude dives behind a table and knocks it over his way, spilling several guns near him. All happily loaded and just itching to be pulled.

The Postal Dude: Oooooh... how generous!

The Antagonist chuckles darkly as he empties his clip, preparing to fire off another series of bullets, before The Postal Dude suddenly leaps over the table, armed to the teeth; several assault rifles, a rocket launcher, a flamethrower, two shotguns and two glocks, no extra ammo for anything, obviously not intending to reload. The Antagonist lets out a muffled and derisive "hmph" and goes full swing.

The Postal Dude pulls out the glocks and begins firing round after round, sending bullets flying towards his target. The Antagonist does a dive roll to his left, ducking behind cover and firing off several rounds from his assault rifle before hearing unfortunate repeated clickings. Empty.

He dives back out of cover and tosses a flashbang towards The Postal Dude. The Dude, in response, tosses his empty glocks towards his opponent as if they were throwing knives, shielding his eyes as best he can. The sunglasses and trenchcoat help stop the blinding flash, but his ears still ring. He grunts and rubs his head before turning around, seeing The Antagonist armed with one of the many flamethrowers, a pump action shotgun and a literal minigun. He lets out a mad laugh as he begins to immolate the Postal Dude.

The Postal Dude doesn't scream in pain, instead simply getting as far away as possible. The Antagonist tosses aside the empty weapon and watches his opponent burn, frowning when he sees The Postal Dude unzip his fly and literally urinating over himself. He rapidly puts out the fire this way. The Antagonist sneers derisively.

The Antagonist: Just another disgusting worm, like the rest...

The Postal Dude draws two of the several assault rifles, holding both in hand with a retorting grin.

The Postal Dude: Only my weapon understands me! Let's talk, Bang and Shoot!

He unloads both clips towards the Antagonist. The man growls and dives behind another table, grabbing one of the bulletproof vests from the top, quickly slipping it on. The Postal Dude takes the time to do the same, both of them well armoured for their fight. The Postal Dude then pulls out the rocket launcher, firing a blast.

He grins when he hears the explosion, then stands up and glances around, seeing the still fleeing populace.

The Postal Dude: I better bail before the damn cops show up.

(Cue Song Swap: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wuGsqz7suTY)

The Postal Dude stops short as he hears that same, low baritone chuckling. He lowers his shoulders and sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose with his fingers.

The Postal Dude: You gotta be fuckin' kidding me...

He turns around to see The Antagonist, bleeding heavily but otherwise alive. He approaches several struggling civilians, capping each one in turn. He takes the chance to "lovingly" slice the throat of the last one, and his wounds vanish. The Postal Dude clicks his tongue, mildly pertubed.

The Postal Dude: Well, buttsauce...

He then whips out both shotguns and begins firing, The Antagonist simply charging forward. Several gunshots pierce the bulletproof vest, but he maintains his pace, taking relatively minor damage due to the range. Out of ammo and guns, The Postal Dude pauses as The Antagonist stops running, and pulls out The Minigun, having discarded the shotgun a while ago.

(Cue Song Swap: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OGyWBZloMTo)

The Postal Dude mutters a curse and then lifts his hand, telekinetically pulling several of the metal tables, scenery and even corpses to defend him as he runs about, waiting for his opponent to run out of ammo. This does not seem forthcoming, as the minigun's clip is large, and so the Postal Dude makes a quick move. Using one hand to still float the tables about, he spins a pair of scissors out with his other, flinging them at the ammo belt. He grins as the scissors sever the belt, then bounce of and slice away the leather straps holding it at The Antagonist's shoulder, before finally slashing at his cheek. The Antagonist pauses, looks down at the now useless gun, and then back to the Postal Dude.

The Postal Dude moves to use his telekinesis to grab another gun, but the Antagonist throws a molotov behind him before the former can succeed. The guns and their ammo begin discharging randomly, and they both make a hasty escape to less-volatile ground a short distance away.

Given a backdrop by the flames, the two then pull out their weapon of choice. The Postal Dude flips open his trenchcoat, revealing a pair of shears, a sickle, a butterfly knife, a pair of spiked knuckledusters, and even a katana. The Antagonist shows only his combat knife cross spiked 'dusters, smirking and slipping it on his dominant hand. He taunts The Postal Dude, motioning him over. The Postal Dude pulls out the sickle and butterfly knife, twirling both expertly before charging at his opponent, both of them way too into their bloodbath to stop now.

(Cue Song Swap: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hR_V3Pb5Tbo)

The Antagonist deftly dodges a stab from the butterfly knife and parries the sickle, sending a hard kick into The Postal Dude's stomach. He stumbles back, losing his grip on the sickle and knife. Pulling out the spiked knuckledusters, he waves his hand and flings his pair of shears at the Antagonist. He catches them by the blade with his free hand and tosses them aside, bloodrops flowing along with it. He laughs and charges forward, The Postal Dude sending a spiked punch right at his armpit. The Antagonist coughs and grumbles, but retains his force as he stabs at the Postal Dude's hip. The Postal Dude curses again and stumbles back, trying to send another grab with telekinesis, cursing once more when he realizes he's used too much too fast.

The Postal Dude unveils the katana and blocks the downward slash by The Antagonist, glaring at him from behind his shades.

The Postal Dude: The Gene Pool is stagnant, and I am the minister of chlorine!

The Antagonist: You're going to die, you worthless parasite!

The two cross blades for the next few moments, each swing glancing off one another audibly. The Antagonist ducks down and spins behind The Postal Dude, the Dude kicking right behind him to unbalance his enemy. The Antagonist grunted and stepped back, the sword biting deep into his free-hand shoulder. He spits at The Postal Dude before moving in for another stab. The Postal Dude brings his sword up to end his opponent, The Antagonist dropping a fragmentation grenade right there and dive rolling behind his opponent, running out of range.

The Postal Dude doesn't even have the chance to swear as the grenade explodes, sending him flying with a leg and an arm missing. The Antagonist steps towards his battered body slowly, The Postal Dude trying, in vain, to grab at his Katana or bring a gun to him, to no avail. The Antagonist, bleeding heavily, kneels over the Postal Dude's prone soon-to-be corpse. The Postal Dude just laughs and smirks at him, red, bloodshot eyes peering out from behind the broken shades.

The Postal Dude: You probably think I'm not a nice person... I regret nothing.

The Antagonist stabs him in the head, quickly killing him. The Antagonist slowly rises from the lifeless corpse, his wounds sealing up as he turns to look towards the whole of New York City, smiling when he sees not only several still usable guns, but an array of police officers and soldiers coming towards him.

The Antagonist: Hahhh... let me introduce myself... I'm a man of Hate... and Disgust.

K.O.!

Conclusion[]

(Cue Song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dYS3VYHGW9Y)

Boomstick: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS VIOLENT! Why can't we have more of that?!

Wiz: Because a Death Battle ends when one combatant dies, Boomstick.

Boomstick: And boy did he ever die! But that was a good matchup!

Wiz: Indeed, as both competitors had largely similar stats and skills, and The Postal Dude certainly had an advantage with his telekinetic powers and varied skillset.

Boomstick: However there's a big difference between "postal dude" and "trained batshit insane killer", and The Antagonist certainly proved that!

Wiz: In the end it was just too large a disparity: The Antagonist was far more experienced at fighting human opponents in a combat situation and evading both military arms and civilian weaponry and tactics. Not to mention his situational regeneration which, in a place as populace heavy as New York, would have given him near immortality.

Boomstick: "Awww, but Boomy, wouldn't that be negated if they were in a open field?" I hear you children cry! That may be, but it doesn't change that, given the same weapons and environment, with no outside sources whatsoever, The Antagonist just has better gun training, speed, power and agility! Looks like that's the last letter the Postal Dude ever sent.

Wiz: The winner is The Antagonist.

Next Time on Death Battle: Kultunas Fanons[]

Sandbox Jamboree! Two legendary heroes of the open world genre duke it out to see who is the better savior of all life!

(Link to Previous: Reality Bending Schoolgirls) (Link to Next: Open World Mayhem)

Advertisement