Popeye vs Bugs Bunny is an episode of Doctordoombestboy's Death Battles. It pits Popeye the Sailor against Bugs Bunny in a battle of iconic cartoon heroes!
Interlude[]
Wiz: Cartoons. A form of media loved by millions. However, some are bound to be more popular than others.
Boomstick: Among these most popular are Popeye, the Sailor Man.
Wiz: And Bugs Bunny, the Merrie Melody-making Looney Tune!
Boomstick: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick!
Wiz: And it's our job to analyse their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
Popeye Turns DEATH BATTLE Into a Sausage![]
Wiz: On January 17th, a child was born to the unfortunately named 'Poopdeck Pappy'. This child's name? Popeye.
- Popeye refers to Poopdeck Pappy as 'Poppa', so 'Poopdeck Pappy' is his actual name. Let that sink in.
Boomstick: Damn, and I thought 'Wiz' was bad. But you know how the kid had it worse than his dad? He was so ugly. So ugly, in fact, that ol' Poopdeck abandoned the kid out of shame! I can relate..
Wiz: Which may be projecting slightly considering that they look identical except one has a dumber name.
Boomstick: Popeye would go on to turn from Popeye Pappy to-
Popeye: Popeye the Sailor Man! (Toot toot)
When he joined the navy.
Wiz: However Popeye would soon find his higher calling as a righteous protector of the weak, punching the living daylights out of the hooligans and bullies of the world. But for a simple retaliator, his abilities are... overkill, one might say.
Boomstick: Popeye can squash, stretch, and do whatever a toon can! He can transmutate things with simple punches- he turned Bluto into a sausage, he turned a charging bull into a 'meat market', and he turned a bunch of black people-
Wiz: (Slaps Boomstick) DON'T YOU DARE!
Boomstick: HE TURNED 'EM INTO COINS, WIZ! JESUS!
Wiz: Oh, moving on, then. Popeye has multiple other weapons in his arsenal, like a giant tree root he uses as a baseball bat, a lasso he used to pull a canyon together, a shotgun, and an anchor he throws around like nothing. He also has a whiffle bird, which grants the wishes of whoever talks to it.
Boomstick: How does Popeye do it? He's just a guy!
Wiz: He eats his spinach.
Boomstick: ...So he's just an advertisement for the spinach industry?
Wiz: Essentially, yes. However a bit exaggerated. Popeye, when he eats spinach, can bend the laws of physics- as if he couldn't do that already.
Boomstick: Holy shit! Eat your greens, am I right?
Wiz: Exactly right, especially when Popeye can do this with any kind of spinach, even ones thrown from the real world!
Boomstick: And this isn't the only time Popeye interacted with the real world- he once beat the shit out of his own animator! How bullshit is this spinach?!
Wiz: Well, one can of it once grew into a beanstalk so tall it shattered a star.
Boomstick: And when God himself turned off the universe with a switch, THIS GODDAMN SPINACH-ROIDS BASTARD WAS COMPLETELY FINE!
Wiz: And he fought Superman.
Boomstick: Wh-
Wiz, that's not Popeye.
Wiz: What?
Boomstick: That's Captain Strong.
Wiz: Yeah, but he did beat the Hulk!
Boomstick: Looks like the big green universe clapper got smacked! Does this guy have any weaknesses?
Wiz: Shockingly, yes. His sense of justice can lead him to fight clearly superior opponents, and if an opponent takes his spinach they can match his power.
- However Popeye did defeat a spinach-empowered boxer without spinach.
Boomstick: However, Popeye is still an incredibly powerful opponent! If you lay your hands on a defenseless innocent, you'd better pray that a certain sailor doesn't bust out some spinach!
Popeye: I yam what I yam and dat's all what I yam!
Bugs Bunny Takes a Left Turn at DEATH BATTLE![]
Wiz: Hopefully, the Wascally Wabbit Bugs Bunny needs no introduction.
Boomstick: He's been torturing the hunter Elmer Fudd since the first Wabbit Season and he hasn't stopped since!
Wiz: Since his debut in 1940, Bugs has been put on posters, shirts, cartoons-
Boomstick: Amusement parks, commercials and even his company logo from time to time!
Wiz: But beneath that corporate exterior is one of the cockiest, most smug bastards you'll ever meet.
Boomstick: And he's a dick for a reason, Bugs can outsmart anyone he's put up against with his stupid toon force powers- anything in the book, he can manipulate his proportions, summon things out of thin air, teleport, and he's a pretty good marksman, and is very skilled in fencing! En garde, Wiz!
Boomstick pulls out a rapier and thrusts it towards Wiz, who dodges, pulling out one of his own before stabbing his co-host in the foot.
Boomstick: AGH, GOD! THE PAIN! He leaps up and holds his foot in pain.
Wiz: Bugs' main method of transportation is burrowing, in which he digs to get from point a to point b at near instantaneous speeds, and he can dig through almost anything. He can dig to and from countries seperated by water, he dug through the moon, and can even dig through comic panels.
Boomstick: Whimpering after being stabbed B-but h-he's p-p-p-pretty b-bad w-with d-d-d-d-directions!
Wiz: Mhm. Bugs can weaponise carrots, and has lightsaber carrots, carrot guns, and even super carrots!
Boomstick: They give him Superman powers!
Wiz: He can saw entire States from American land, like what he did to Florida.
Boomstick: God bless.... and Bugs is fast enough to build a whole city in seconds, strong enough to bow-tie a shotgun barrel, and witty enough to outsmart the grim reaper of rabbits! And when Bugs inflates himself to the point of obesity, he becomes...
BIG, BIG CHUNGUS, BIG CHUNGUS, BIG CHUNGUS, BIG CHUNGUS, BIG, BIG-
Wiz stabs his co-host in the foot again.
Boomstick: AGH!
Wiz: Due to Big Chungus blowing up the earth with his laser eyes, Bugs should scale... but due to Chungus being a seperate character in Garden of Madness, while Bugs can inflate himself to Big Chungus form, they are not the same.
Boomstick: First you s-stab me in the foot- again- a-and THEN you tell me t-that BIG CHUNGUS isn't the s-same as Bugs?!
Wiz: Mhm.
Boomstick: But this isn't mentioning that Bugs can become the animator! Like, literally, he can take over the animator's role and animate the cartoon himself. This is real.
Wiz: But like my co-host here, Bugs isn't invincible. He has been outsmarted from time to time, and is sucseptible to mind control and hypnosis, and cannot resist the allure of carrots.
Boomstick: B-but, neverthel-less... Bugs is still a... goddamn... an iconic cartoon champion!
Bugs Bunny: Ain't I a stinker?
Intermission[]
Wiz: All right, the combatants are set and we've run the data through all possibilities.
Boomstick: IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLE!
Death Battle[]
"I'll get ya fow dis, ya wascally wabbit!" Elmer Fudd yelled out angrily, before having his hat pulled down on his head and tumbling over. Standing over him was an anthropomorphic grey rabbit with long ears and buck teeth. He booped Elmer on the nose before laughing.
"I think dat we both know ya won't, doc!" laughed Bugs Bunny, swaggering of into the distance. Elmer, humilated once more, pulled out his shotgun and aimed it at Bugs, blinking once...
And when he opened his eyes, Bugs' two long fingers were clogging both barrels.
"Nyeh, why don't ya try it?" Bugs asked cockily, smirking at his hunter, who was growing very angry with his prey. He pulled the trigger, and as he expected, nothing came out. Lifting Elmer by the gun, he quickly disposed of the hunter via a kick to the chin sending him flying into the distance.
"Nyeh, so long!" Bugs laughed, saluting Elmer's lift-off... only turn around into a punch to the face. He hit a tree, and looked up at the bald man with a sailor's outfit looking down at him- meet Popeye.
"Did I just see yous kickin' dat man ta pawts un-nown, ya big palooka?" asked the sailor, lifting the rabbit up by his neck. He had no snarky remark to that. Bugs sighed, and turned his head to the camera.
"I knew I shoulda taken that left toin at Alberquerque..." Bugs groaned, before being punched into the air.
FIGHT![]
Bugs rolled across the ground, before slamming hard into a tree. He rubbed the growing red lump on his head, before a lightbulb appeared over it. Sliding his hand into the furry white patch between his ribs, the bunny would soon produce...
A cannon.
"Wot duh-"
Popeye let out an exclamation of shock as a cannonball blew him apart, his dismembered body parts flying into the air. When his right hand landed, it was holding a can of spinach. Bugs stuffed the cannon back into his chest fur, and dusted off his hands.
"Well, dat was easy. Now to-"
The sound of aluminum being crushed filled the air, and Bugs turned to see the dismembered hand squeezing spinach into his open mouth. Normally, he'd assume it was intestinal gas... but Bugs knew something was up. As soon as the can was emptied, Popeye began to... piece himself back together. His arms connected to his torso, and his head flew up onto his neck, and his legs snapped into their sockets. When he was finished, he flexed his muscles.
"Of course, you realise..." Bugs began, bowing to his opponent.
"This means war!"
Popeye wasted no time on dialogue, and sped towards Bugs, delivering a full-course meal of punches to the face. "And a one, and a two, and a three, and a-" Popeye's fists moved as a blur as he delivered faster-than-light consecutive blows on the rabbit. "four-five-six-seven..."
Popeye wound back his fist, before winding it up, making it look like a thick, flesh-colored twizzler, and punched Bugs in the face, knocking the rabbit meters away.
"AYT!"
Bugs zoomed through the forest seeing stars, his head slamming into branches, and flying past 'WABBIT SEASON' signs, his velocity causing the wind following him to flip it over, changing the sign to that of 'DUCK SEASON'. While he was being flung through the air, a large anchor smashed into the side of his face, sending him sprawling into a tree-hole, which Popeye quickly jumped into as well.
It was a bottomless pit, with wooden walls each side. Popeye dived downwards and smashed Bugs in the face with his fist, sending him further down the pit. He swam further through the void, reaching the rabbit and laying rapid-fire punches across his wide face. Bugs recoiled in pain, blowing on his thumb to re-inflate his flattened face, before kicking Popeye in the chest with both feet, sending him upwards.
Popeye flew out of the tree-hole, the sailor smashing into yet another oversized logs. He looked around for any sight of the wascally wabbit, but none came. Until a godly voice came booming from the sky.
"NYEEEEHHH, WHAT'S UP, DOC?"
Popeye looked up. It couldn't be.
The clouds had split, to reveal the shadow of Bugs cast across the landscape, and a small rubber object accelerating towards the floor. Popeye knew what it was from his brushes with the animator. Every toon's worst nightmare.
An eraser.
"No..." Popeye whispered, as the eraser crashed into the ground, cratering it immensely, the voice calling once more. The eraser began to scrape across the ground.
"AIN'T I A STINKAH?"
Popeye closed his eyes. There had to be a way. Come on, Popeye, he willed himself, everyone's counting on you. There had to be a way. There had to be...
That was it!
Popeye ran towards the eraser, and used it as a springboard to launch himself into the air, flying above the trees, above the clouds, ingesting some more spinach as backup, until finally, he reached the edge of the world he lived in.
It was pure whiteness. He reeled back his fist.
"HOW?! WHAT ARE YOU?!" Bugs screamed, shocked.
Popeye growled. His sheer willpower turned the end of his pipe to a burning inferno.
"I yam what I yam."
He threw a punch at the edge of the universe.
"AND DAT'S ALL WHAT I YAM!"
BOOM!
Somewhere, Olive Oyl was smiling.
Part 2: Get Real[]
Bugs was hyperventilating. How? How did this weird spinach dude somehow punch through reality itself? Any second now, he'd be in the real world. Bugs had thought that when he was in the animator's (or in this scenario, writer's) chair, he was unbeatable. The fact he'd had to resort to this form in the first place was bad enough. But this? This was horrible. He could have never foreseen an outcome like this.
Popeye erupted from the sheet of paper, and punched Bugs in the face. Hard. Paint went flying across the room, as Popeye landing on the wooden floor broke it in, revealing a swirling vortex of colors beneath it. Right beneath Bugs and Popeye.
"Uh oh." they said in unison, and fell into the colorful void.
The pair of adversaries woke up standing in what looked like a cave, and looked around their surroundings before hearing something rattling towards them, as they looked forward.
A minecart with two people in it was thundering at the two toons, with two people on it. One of them was a poorly-drawn living sketch with pure white skin, and the other was a man in green hoodie and a smile mask, clutching a golden sword in his hands. He swung a sword at the sketched creature, before noticing Popeye and Bugs.
"Mmm, 'oo's dat?" Popeye asked, before the minecart smashed into him and the bunny.
"What the heck?" Dream, the man in green asked. The sloppily-drawn abomination, Boris, asked the same question, but punctuated it with an attempted punch to the face of Bugs, who blocked it and uppercutted him in response. Boris recoiled as the rabbit wound up another blow.
"Is yousk dat miney crafty boy Swee'pea wutches?" Popeye asked Dream, who swung at him with his diamond axe.
"Well, I am a YouTuber, so-" he was punched in the face, sending him careening out of the mine and into the daylight. Popeye jumped after him, causing Bugs to latch onto Boris and leap out of the cave. All four were sent into the daylight, and Popeye immediately went after Bugs, twisting his arm and punching him in the mouth. Bugs yelped, sent back. He gripped his mouth in pain, and as Dream and Boris continued to cross swords.
Speaking of swords...
Popeye took a look at the two strange new combatants dueling, before snapping his head back to see that Bugs was now dressed in a fencing outfit and holding a rapier. He slashed it at Popeye, cutting across his chest.
"OYOYOY!" He yelled, jumping back.
Results[]
If Bugs wins:
Boomstick: It looks like Popeye just couldn't spinach this fight!
Wiz: The winner is Bugs Bunny.
If Popeye wins:
Boomstick: This sailor had his pop-eyes on a victory!
Wiz: The winner is Popeye the Sailor Man.
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Toot toot!
Original Track[]
The track for this fight is called 'Stinking Spinach'. The title is in reference to one of Bugs' catchphrases ('Ain't I a stinker?') and the classic vegetable Popeye eats to get strong.
The cover illustrates a can of Popeye's spinach with two carrots crossed over inside of it, representing Bugs Bunny meddling in Popeye's business by putting his carrots in his spinach can.