Popeye Vs Pre Crisis Superman is a Fan Made Death Battle by TherealHyperA2. If you have a thumbnail you’d like to add, feel free to add it yourself!
Description[]
Thimble Theatre Vs Golden Age DC! These two iconic, ludicrously powerful golden age comic characters with a special connection to a green series icon go head to head in a hypothetical fight!
Introduction[]
Boomstick: Popeye, the spinach loving sailor man from Thimble Theater!
Wiz: And Superman, the almighty man of steel from DC comics!
Boomstick: Ah the classics. Everyone loves them, especially the characters!
Wiz: Even if those characters are stupidly powerful with a relation to green objects. To fit with the theme of the match, we will be using the version of Superman from specifically the version from the Pre Crisis era, aka the Golden Age.
Boomstick: He’s Wiz and I’m Boomstick!
Wiz: And it’s our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle!
Popeye[]
Wiz: Ah the classic stories of Popeye. The story of a sailor overcoming his battles with determination and nutrition. While Popeye is an iconic figure, most people don’t know that he actually originated from a comic book.
Boomstick: In fact, they even gave him an origin story. As a baby, Popeye was born incredibly ugly! So ugly that his father ran away from him at birth. Sounds kinda like mine.
Wiz: However, he wasn’t alone for long as his new mentor, Whaler Joe, taught him valuable lessons. Although they’re apparently all about beating people up.
Boomstick: Popeye grew up with the righteous goal of beating the tar out of people who are deserving for a knuckle sandwich! He soon gained a love of Spinach, which we will get to later, and thus the legend of Popeye was started, spanning comics, cartoons, and Robin Williams movies.
Wiz: And he didn’t get there by being friendly. Instead, he’s shockingly powerful with his toonforce and strength!
Boomstick: What is toonforce may you ask? It’s cartoon bullshit, that’s what!
Wiz: More specifically, Popeye is from the era of rubberhose animation, which means he can do pretty much anything as he’s shown in his cartoons!
Boomstick: His body is elastic and able to stretch to extreme lengths! Even further, he has lots of random abilities just for the sake of a gag!
Wiz: He can shoot fire out of his pipe, regenerate from comical injuries, pull items out of seemingly nowhere, interact with the forth wall, and even punch things into smaller objects, like punching an anvil into fishhooks or a alligator into handbags!
Boomstick: However, this isn’t what makes Popeye so iconic and powerful. It’s the power of propaganda, aka spinach!
Cutaway gag
Boomstick pulls out a can of spinach as Wiz talks.
Wiz: Yes, spinach is Popeyes most iconic weapon! And he can get it in a lot of weird ways!
Boomstick squeezes the spinach can causing the leafy green to fly up into the air, only for it to get stuck on the ceiling. He watches the spinach slowly stop sticking as Wiz continues talking.
Wiz: He can pull it from his pockets, draw it into existence, pray to gods, whistle for it, or even get it from the very audience! … Boomstick it’s your line.
Boomstick: Oh right sorry. Ahem-
The spinach falls from the ceiling and onto his face, causing him to fall backwards onto the floor.
Boomstick: MY EYES!
Cutaway ends
Wiz: Anyways, what does this spinach do exactly? Well it turns Popeye into an unstoppable force!
Boomstick: It amps this sailor’s power level so much that it’s pretty much impossible to calculate!
Wiz: He gets an even larger array of abilities, including but not limited to invulnerability, can transform into missile or lightning bolts, flight, can travel through time, and even break the forth wall and punch the animator!
Boomstick: That’s not even scratching the surface of the physical power it gives him! As for his physical feats, he’s so incredibly fast that while shadow boxing he occupied two spaces at once and hit himself! That’s immeasurable!
Wiz: Popeye once punched through the very film that he was being animated on! Not to mention the time literal actual GOD turned off the universe, to which Popeye was unfazed.
Boomstick: Spinach also gives Popeye even more broken regen! Like the time he was erased from reality, but somehow grabbed a spinach can and ate it, bringing him back to reality. How?!
Wiz: But he isn’t quite perfect. He’s a man of righteousness and honor, which when he was made meant he would never attack a woman.
Boomstick: He’s also not the sharpest tool in the shed, usually solving problems by punching them. Although, it does work to be fair.
Wiz: But even so, Popeye is a world renowned hero in the eyes of millions. And for a simple eldritch abomination, what else can you ask for?
Popeye: I’m Popeye The Sailor Man! Toot toot!
Superman[]
Wiz: In the middle of space, the planet Krypton was doomed to explode. However, one child was saved.
Boomstick: This child was a baby with an unknown original name. Right before his planet’s destruction, he was sent into space in a rocket just before the planet exploded!
Wiz: By some cosmic coincidence, he ended up on the planet Earth. He was raised by a humble family known as the Kents. He know went by the name Clark Kent as that was the one given to him.
Boomstick: However, he one day learned that he had super cool superpowers!
Wiz: As it turns out, Kryptonians are given superpowered abilities from the Earths sun. Now using the alter ego of Superman, he embraced his inner calling for justice and became a hero of the city of Metropolis!
Boomstick: And what an awesome hero he is! Back in the Golden Age of comics, comics didn’t yet have any real tropes as comic books are relatively new at the time, so the writers just wrote down whatever bullshit they can think of.
Wiz: Superman of course has his iconic powers such as flight, super strength, super speed, laser eyes, and frost breath! All of which are powerful in their own right, and are have defeated many criminals, super powered or otherwise.
Boomstick: But he’s also got a bunch of weird shit like being able to shapeshift, X ray vision, super hypnosis, phase through objects, time travel, sonic screams, super knitting, super mathematics, hell he can even fire out a tinier Superman for…some reason. I’m starting to think they just add the word super to normal hobbies and make Supes do them at the speed of light.
Wiz: I think you may be on to something considering his super makeup, super ventriloquism, super kissing (yes), and “super friction”. Those are all real things, made by humans!
Boomstick: I’m gonna have an aneurysm! Anyways, he doesn’t just have a magic bag of tricks, but he’s strong enough to get away with basically being a Russian Roulette of weirdass powers from issue to issue.
Wiz: He’s incredibly strong, being able to casually lift planets, survive the Big Bang which may I remind you is the creation of our universe, and in his most infamous stunt, sneezed away an entire solar system!
Boomstick: And they don’t call him the man of steel for nothing, as he can go toe to toe with other comparable superheroes and is basically invulnerable by normal means!
Wiz: And he’s no slouch when it comes to speed either, being able to fly to other galaxies in seconds! And let’s not forget the time he-oh I don’t know-flew at the speed of infinity! That doesn’t even make sense!
Boomstick: He uses all this power to defeat some truly incredible enemies like Lex Luthor, an incredible genius. He even fought the 5 dimensional being Mr. Mxyplyzik! Not by beating attacking him as he was sad to powerful for that, but by tricking the trickster imp into sending himself back to his dimension!
Wiz: However, Superman isn’t perfect. His most iconic weakness is Kryptonite, a crystal from his home planet that completely drains his power and can even kill him through exposure.
Boomstick: Supes is also weak to magic, and his strict moral code. He will only kill if absolutely necessary and actively holds back to not accidentally kill the people he’s sworn to protect!
Wiz: But even so, Clark Kent might be from a stupid, campy comics run, but we love him and his heroic acts all the same.
Ending quote
Superman: But I need being Clark. I need a private life just like anyone! In the past I’ve tried assuming other identities, but it just didn’t work! Clark Kent is just as much of a part of who I am as Kal-El of Krypton is! Ma and Pa Kent…the way they raised me…They made me who I am! And I’d sooner die than give it up!
Interlude[]
Wiz: Alright the combatants are set; we’ve analyzed the data for all possibilities!
Boomstick: It’s time for a DEATH BATTLE!
FIGHT![]
In the streets of Metropolis, crime was everywhere. But the citizens could rest assured knowing that Superman had just defeated a villain. A short, goofy dressed imp-Mr. Mxyplyzik- had been outsmarted yet again. He was barely grasping onto the street as he was being sucked back into the 5th dimension.
Mr. Mxy: It seems you have defeated me once again Superman! But I think this time…I’ll go out with a bang!
The clown like entity fired a random blast of chaos overhead of the crowd. He tips his hat before him and the rift disappears.
Little did Superman know, but that blast landed in a comic book store. Specifically, on a Popeye comic. The book raised into the air as the store began shaking. Soon, Popeye himself was sent flying out of the comic and into a building with a large-
THUD!
This sound was picked up on by Superman’s super hearing across the city!
Superman: Oh? I’m sorry citizens but I sense a disturbance elsewhere! This looks like a job for Superman!
The superhero flew across the city, eventually finding the source of the noise. Popeye pulled his head out of the building wall and shook his head.
Popeye: Well blow me down! Where am I ats?
Superman: manly gasp Egads! It’s Captain Strong! What are you doing here, evildoer?
Popeye: Captain who? Ah whatever. Listen, I don’t know how I gots here-WOAH!
Before he could finish his sentence, he narrowly dodged a laser beam from Supes.
Superman: Do not play dumb with me, villain! I know your tricks!
Popeyes head briefly turned red as steamed erupted from his ears.
Popeye: Alright ya big palooka! If it’s a fight you want then it’s a fight you’ll get!
FIGHT!
Popeye charged towards Superman and threw a punch…
CLANG!
The sailors hand turned comically red as he yelped in pain upon punching the man of steel’s powerful body. As Supes began talking, Popeye was unleashing ineffective punch after ineffective punch.
Superman: Give it up, criminal! My powerful Kryptonian body is impervious to all forms of harm-AUGH!
The aliens speech was intercepted by a wind up punch from Popeye sending him into a building. The force of his impact caused the building to collapse on top of him. The Kryptonian flew at light speeds and saved everyone in the building before landing in front of the building unscathed, but pissed.
Popeye: And that’s Popeye to yous!
Superman flew at Popeye and threw his first punch of the match. This was an uppercut that sent Popeye into the air. As he fell back to Earth, Supes began to run around at extreme speeds, punching the sailor man with every run. He finally ended the combo by sending him down to Earth hard enough to crack the concrete.
Popeye got up while incoherently mumbling. He was a bit dizzy but otherwise unharmed as he dusted himself off. Knowing he was at a disadvantage, he pulled out his favorite weapon: Spinach! He squeezed the can, sending the leafy green flying into the sky. He waited for it to come back down…but it seemed to be taking its time!
Not wanting to waste an opportunity, Superman used his ice breath to freeze Popeyes entire body except his head.
Superman: Sorry to give you the “cold shoulder”, fiend! But your criminal acts are over!
He began launched a large beam of heat vision at the cartoon icon! Just when it seemed to be over, however, the Spinach fell from the sky and into Popeyes mouth!
After swallowing the conveniently timed spinach, Popeye flexed so hard the ice around him shattered! He took the blast by the palms, and though it sent him skidding back he eventually took control back. He condensed the heat blast into a red hot ball and lobbed it at Superman!
The hero was sent back into the air, but eventually gained control of his flight.
Superman: What was that you just ate?! A Kryptonite laced vegetable perhaps?
Popeye: Krypto-what now? This is just good ol fashioned spinach!
The sailor leaped into the air after the alien. He morphed his fist into a hammer and smashed down onto him so hard that he was sent flying back! He then punched off screen, his arm stretching to the other side of the screen to hit his opponent again.
Popeye blew down on his pipe and sent a huge blast of fire at the Kryptonian, but he destroyed the blast with his laser vision. Popeye chuckled and launched himself towards him at high speeds, crashing into him and causing a cartoonish dust cloud around them as they scuffled.
The cloud bounced throughout the city, smashing a few cars and light posts. It eventually came to a stop as they both crashed into a skyscraper. Superman grabbed Popeye out of the air and dragged him up the building as he flew up it. He then slammed both of his fists onto him and sent the sailor falling to the earth and onto a market stand.
The stand was destroyed and the contents of the cart were spilled all over the floor. Luckily, the man operating it escaped. Popeye pulled himself out of a sailor shaped hole in the ground when he realized the cart was full of Popeye branded spinach cans.
He chuckled and whistled into the air, causing each individual spinach can to rumble. The versions of Popeye on the cans climbed out, until there were at least 50 full sized Popeye clones!
Superman: Oh dear.
The hero cracked his knuckles and charged into the crowd, the clones exploding into spinach in one hit. One Popeye grabbed Supes by the cape, while another punched him through the clouds.
Superman landed in the streets in front of the army. He pulled out his hand, and fired an army of tiny Supermen!
Superman: Let’s see who has the better army, sailor man!
And thus, an army battle of epic proportions begins. One Popeye his swarmed by Supermen and swats them away like mosquitoes. Another is attacked by four tiny laser eyes. During this, the real Popeye and Superman spot each other.
They exchanged punches as the clones fought in the background. Popeye dodged a beam of heat that destroyed a nearby building. Superman phased through one of Popeyes punches. A bunch of Popeyes leaped into the air and shot a blast of fire out of their pipes, which destroyed the Supermen.
All of the Popeyes landed down onto Supes, one with an anchor. The alien was grabbed by his cape, suplexed, and punched. Eventually having enough of this, Superman unleaded a sonic scream, sending Popeye flying and causing the clones to evaporate.
Popeye: Yous gonna start fighting now or what’s?
Superman: I’ll give you a fight to remember!
Superman ripped a huge chunk of the asphalt out of the road and smacked Popeye with it with enough force to shatter it. The sailor was sent flying back. He grinned as he enlarged his fist and punched the ground, creating a shockwave and sending pillars of rock at the hero.
Superman broke the rocks and flew around the planet before crashing into Popeye, splitting the continent. Popeye pulled the half of the continent out of the water, and smashed Superman with it.
The sailor then leaped at Superman with enough strength to destroy the planet. The destruction of earth sent Superman into a rage. The Kryptonian punched Popeye into Jupiter.
The planet split in half from the force of the punch. Superman flew over to it at high speeds and punches Popeye into one side of it, while bashing him with the other side. The sailor was sent further into space.
Popeye grabbed some stylized stars out of the background and threw them at the hero.
Popeye: Try that on for size, ya big palooka!
Superman simply tanked the stars with a shocked expression. Popeye gritted his teeth as he realized he would need to do more than that.
The sailor reached off screen and started throwing an assortment of random bullshit at Superman.
Superman: Egads! How is he doing this?! He must be magic. I will take him down at once!
From Superman’s perspective, he began using his super mathematics to determine the trajectory of the items. He readied his heat vision and destroyed the coming onslaught, but that was just the first wave.
He began flying through the objects and using his freeze breath to stop them. However, one of these items hit him right in the face. And this item was…pepper!
Superman: Aaaah-aaaaah-aaaaaaachoooooooo!
The wind from this mighty sneeze blasted away most of the objects away. But it did more than this. It unraveled the entire Milky Way Galaxy!
…
Superman was floating through dead space. He scanned for his opponent, but did not see them. All he saw was Popeyes arm, floating around in the empty, starless void.
But this tranquility would not last for long as the arm reached off screen and grabbed the pencil tool from the animators!
After this 4th wall break, the arm began redrawing the rest of the iconic character! Popeye was fine, but extremely pissed!
Superman: Wha-How are you still alive?!?!
Popeye: I eats me spinach!
Popeye used the pencil and draw Kryptonite boxing gloves! He began punching the hero over and over. Superman tried to fight back, but the ore was too powerful as his bones began to break.
Popeye revved up for a huge uppercut and…
POW!
The universe was shaken. Popeye looked around and realized he had turned Superman into a bunch of Superman action figures!
Popeye looked at the camera as Looney Toons esc circles formed around him.
Popeye: ~He couldn’t hold a fraction; now he’s out of action! I’m Popeye the Sailor Man!~
K.O!
Results[]
Boomstick: That was awesome! But I thought Superman was unbeatable.
Wiz: This was a very close fight! Both fighters were evenly matched in terms of strength and speed. However, Popeye held a few advantages.
Boomstick: For one, Popeye had more options to kill Superman. While both are unpredictable Superman’s abilities are not only very situational, not designed for killing.
Wiz: And that ultimately leads to one of the main reasons Popeye wins this: his willingness to kill. While the rules of Death Battle make it so pacifists can kill, Superman is still very reluctant to do so.
Boomstick: And that’s very bad when Popeye doesn’t really seem to care if his opponents die. And Popeye is capable of killing Superman in one hit, which he wouldn’t have the same reluctancy to do than Superman.
Wiz: With these reasons alongside the fact that Popeye is haxier and harder to kill, is why we believe he wins this!
Boomstick: Superman may have brought a “can” do attitude, but he ultimately couldn’t “steel” a win!
Wiz: The winner is Popeye!