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Pilgor vs Carl
PICA
Season One, Episode Three
Vital statistics
Air date 15/06/15
Written by McGasher
Directed by McGasher
Episode guide
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PICA

Pilgor VS Carl is a What-If episode of Death Battle, pitting Pilgor the goat from Goat Simulator against Carl the llama from Llamas with Hats.

Description[]

Goat Simulator vs Llama with Hats! The Queen of the Goats vs the Llama that exterminated the human race! Which crazy animal is the deadliest?

Interlude[]

(cues Invader)

Wiz: In fictional stories, animals have been used as main characters from the very beginning, often used to represent the humans' flaws and dispense morals to kids.

Boomstick: But these two have no morals to give! We're talking about Pilgor, the nightmare of Goatasia.

Wiz: And Carl, the sociopath llama killer.

Boomstick: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.

Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armors and skills to find out who would win in a DEATH BATTLE.

Pilgor[]

Wiz: Goat Simulator is one of the most controversial games out here, and people's conflicting opinions about it space from "The best game ever" to "The most idiotic thing ever created".

Boomstick: And guess what? Both are right! You probably already know what this game is about, but you sure didn't know that both the goat and the citizens have names!

Wiz: The playable goat is a female, and she's called Pilgor. Almost nothing is known about her and her past, except that she lives in a garden of the house owned by Jolle, Line and Molle, suggesting that she probably belongs to them.

Boomstick: Pilgor visited two zones of Goatasia: GoatVille, the one in which she lives, and Goat City Bay.

Wiz: The community's heritage of both cities have a strong connection with goats, as statues, castles, cities and even the nation in which they live are named after them.

Boomstick: Yet everyone will be surprised to see Pilgor going for a walk.

Wiz: There isn't an actual story in the game, the player can explore freely the city.

Boomstick: No plot or quests, Pilgor just does whatever she wants to! Jumping on trampolines, molestating the citizens, playing dubstep music, licking the TMNT...

Wiz: But something changed, as a zombie outbreak began in Goatasia: Pilgor was one of the first infects, but, since she is a goat, her mind wasn't altered by the virus.

Boomstick: Because fuck logic.

Wiz: As she saw that her fellow citizens became bloodlusted zombies that wanted to kill her, Pilgor decided to erase the virus from the face of the earth, so she started a killing spree against the zombies, eventually saving them with the Mind Controller. We'll get to that later.

Boomstick: But that's not all! Pilgor was also the heroine of Goat MMO Simulator, where she takes on amazing quests in the medieval version of Goatasia!

Wiz: Here, Pilgor defeated various monsters and defended the citizens from evil hordes of sheeps, also helping the humans with their dangerous requests.

Greta: Could you please bring me my soda?

Boomstick: Monsters? Like what?

Wiz: Like giant golems, vegan elfs' prejudices, dinosaurs, men with dog suits, mermaids...

Boomstick: MERMAIDS? Now we're tal...

-shows a picture of the mermaids, which are fish with human legs-

Boomstick: OH, C'MON!

Wiz: Hovewer, let's talk about her feats now.

Boomstick: Oh-oh, this is going to be long!

Wiz: In her adventures, Pilgor often uses mutators and power-ups. Mutators change her look and give her new powers.

Boomstick: Some mutators, like the Tall Goat, the Classy Goat and... the Microwave replace her with a totally different... goat.

Wiz: It is...

Boomstick: An ungoaty goat.

Wiz: It is unclear wheter they are different creatures or just a mutated Pilgor, for this reason we...

Boomstick: An ungoaty goaty goat.

Wiz: ... aren't going to consider them.

Boomstick: Don't worry though! She still has more than 40 mutators, guns, other items, and a tongue! I swear to God, that's the best analysis we ever did...

Wiz: By default, Pilgor can do everything that a goat can. Like headbutting, kicking, licking...

Boomstick: Nothing special.

Wiz: ... running on walls, go in ragdoll mode and fall at dead weight, do somersaults in air...

Boomstick: WAIT, WHAT THE...

Wiz: Pilgor has shown multiple times to have superhum... supergoat strenght and durability, as she can lick and lift cars without problems, and headbutt everything at an insane distance.

Boomstick: She can get invested multiple times, get stuck in an harvester AND get involved in giant explosions just to get up a couple of seconds later without a scratch! Did I mention that she can breath in the vacuum of space?

Wiz: Pilgor's intellect is rather see-sawing: she can ride vehicles, use jetpacks, craft weapons, yet she often gets her head stuck in walls and... everything. She gets stuck in everything.

Boomstick: It's time for the mutators!

Wiz: We're going to consider EVERY mutator she has, except the ones that turns her into another animal and the ones created by the community.

Boomstick: Unless you want to see a pink Shrek-goat who screams like Dio Brando.

Wiz: There are mutators that don't require specific things to unlock them, that are available from the beginning of the game. In the battle, Pilgor will be able to use them from the beginning.

Boomstick: Like the Double Jump, that... you already got what's his function. The Blue Streak and the Italian Dinosaur Goat, which gives to Pilgor the powers of Sonic and Yoshi!

Wiz: With the Blue Streak, Pilgor charges just like the blue hedgehog does, and then she becomes blue and starts running faster than usual. With the Italian Dinosaur Goat, everything that she licks will be... ejected from her butt inside a watermelon. The watermelon will then explode.

Boomstick: When Pilgor sacrifices some humans on the Pentagram in GoatVille, she becomes the Devil Goat, who can turn into a GIANT BALL EVERYTHING ON HER PATH! That means that, if there are humans on her path, she can fuse them with each other into a ball, and then throw the ball away, while they are unable to move.

Wiz: Then there's the Angel Goat: After standing in the same position for about five minutes, Pilgor becomes an angel who can glide and fly.

Boomstick: The Spider Goat: After licking a blue diamond found in a garage in Goat City Bay, Pilgor's tongue becomes blue, and she can use it just like Spider-Man uses his webs.

Wiz: We aren't done. The Hitchiker Goat: when Pilgor finds a towel with "42" written on it and takes it to an UFO in Goat City Bay, she will be able to summon whales from the sky.

Boomstick: When she licks Deadmau5, on the last floor of the Put-In Hotel, which is the same place in which the towel is situated, she becomes Deadgoa7, who can play dubstep music whenever she wants! That will be a deciding factor in the battle. I'm sure about that.

Wiz: When she touches the Dirt Block near the UFO, or the Cobblestone Block in the cimitery, she becomes a Minecraft mob-like creature, who can build and destroy said blocks without limits. Just like Steve.

Boomstick: We're almost done... But there are also the mutators from the MMO Mode and the guns from GoatZ, so...

Wiz: When Pilgor defeats all the goats in the fighting ring in GoatVille, she becomes both a Ripped Goat, a stronger version of Pilgor, and the Goatborn, who can throw everything away with her screams.

Pilgor: FUS-ROH-BAAH!

Boomstick: Are we done now?

Wiz: The Repulsing Goat. When Pilgor goes into the TMNT's sewer, she begins stinking, causing everyone to run away. When she enters into the Goat Tower in the garden in which she lives, she enters in the Goat Castle: after sitting on its throne, she becomes the Queen Goat, and starts wearing a Skull Mask, that she uses to summon other fellow goats. From the sky, of course.

Boomstick: Pilgor's analysis will probably lasts longer than Carl's and the fight combined.

Wiz: From Goat MMO Simulator, we have five classes that Pilgor can choose to use: Tank, Rouge, Mage, Hunter and the Microwave, that we aren't going to consider. She also has an inventory in which she can put everything, even a T-Rex.

Boomstick: The Tank wears an armor that increases Pilgor's strenght at insane levels! The Rouge is a make-up expert, who can become invisible until she attacks.

Wiz: The Mage can... throw play cards that explode while screaming, and shoot fireballs. The Hunter is your average Pilgor, just with a fishing hook. I feel like no one play as these last two.

Boomstick: Those were the classes, now let's talk about the mutators! The Zeus Goat is able to shoot lightning attacks. She sometimes hit herself with them, but she won't get damaged by that. The Jouster... no description needed. Pilgor becomes a jouster whenever she headbutts an horse.

Wiz: The ExcaliGoat is a sword that Pilgor uses to deal excessive amounts of damage. It blasts everything in front of her.

Boomstick: When Pilgor found the Wheel of Time, she became the Wheel Goat: she can freeze time with it, and do whatever she wants. Kinda like Dio Brando.

Wiz: In GoatZ, close combat is way too dangerous for her, as the zombies could kill her. For this reason she relies solely on guns.

Boomstick: Like the MiniFun, a minigun that shoots paint balls, or the Antiquer, that shoots bags of flour that explodes on impact!

Wiz: The Heartbreaker, that shoots arrows that vaporizes Pilgor's foe, turning him into an heart.

Boomstick: The Gumshot, a shotgun that shoots gumballs.

Wiz: And the Mind Controller, that turns zombies back into humans. Pilgor also uses jetpacks and throws tools with her tongue as projectiles.

Boomstick: Is there something that this goat can't do?

Wiz: She can't swim.

Boomstick: Oh, o...

Wiz: But she can breathe underwater, and she jumps out of the water inside of swimming.

Pilgor: BAAAH!

Carl[]

Wiz: Llamas with Hats is a web series created by Jason Steele. It stars two llamas, Paul and Carl, and both wear hats and can talk. Every episode, until the sixth one, starts with the legendary punchline...

Paul: CAAAAARL!

Boomstick: In the first episode, Paul finds a dead man in their apartment, for this reason he asks explanations to Carl...

Wiz: He finds out that the man irrupted in Carl's room, for this reason the llama attacked him, stabbing him 37 times in the chest and eating his hands.

Paul: CAAAAARL! That kills people!

Carl: My stomach was making the rumblies. Rumblies that only hands can satisfy.

Wiz: Naturally, Paul was shocked by all of that, as Carl apparently never did things like that before.

Boomstick: And that's just the first episode! Shit gets real only after the sixth one.

Wiz: In the second episode, Carl sank a cruise ship by firing an harpoon in the captain's face and headbutting children out of the ship.

Boomstick: And he killed an elderly couple... BECAUSE THEY TOOK SOME CRESCENT ROLLS!

Wiz: In the third one, Carl topples the South American government, by eating a bartender and killing the resistance leader.

Boomstick: VIVA LA REVOLUCIÒN!

Wiz: He also starts collecting orphan organs to build an army of meat dragons.

Boomstick: After that, Paul accepts that the graphic violence is now a norm for his psychopath friend, so he isn't surprised anymore about what he does.

Wiz: In the fourth one, Carl prepares Paul a birthday surprise, by destroying the apartment with a bomb and...

Boomstick: BALLONS WITH DETACHED FACES ON THEM FLYING BY!

Wiz: And it wasn't even Paul's birthday.

Boomstick: In the fifth one, nothing bad happens. Carl baked banana bread, made a donation to girl scouts, ripped the fabric of space-time to collect baby hands...

Paul: Why are all the baby hands white?

Carl: Whities gotta pay, and the payment is baby hands.

Wiz: In the infamous sixth one, Carl buys a meat conveyor, called "The Orphan Stomper". With it, he manages to build a living meat dragon. Paul is tired of Carl's acts, for this reason he moves out, leaving Carl alone.

Boomstick: Carl committed those acts of violence just to surprise the friend, for this reason the fact that Paul leaves slowly decrease Carl's mental sanity.

Wiz: In fact, in the following episode, Carl put a Paul mask on a sheep trying to talk with her, like if she was Paul, about a chair made of human faces. But at the end of the episode, the sheep sits down, a thing that Paul never does. This disturbs immensely Carl, who makes the sheep disappear, probably by killing her.

Boomstick: Pilgor loves hats and hates with all of her heart sheeps. Carl has an hat and a sheep as a friend. I think we all got how it's going to begin!

Wiz: In the next episode, Carl tries to reconciliate with Paul after he burned down his house and spent all of his savings in swans, by building an apology piano.

Paul: Pianos aren't supposed to bleed and scream!

Boomstick: Building a piano out of swans... Awesome.

Wiz: Carl goes away and starts talking to the Paul mask, showing that his mental sanity was slowly slipping away. In a forest, the mask comes to life, and tells Carl that there was still much work to do.

Boomstick: The mask empathizes to the llama that he's Carl, and he absolutely has to finish his work, to have a plan. Shit gets real.

Wiz: The two falls in the Gore Pit, where Carl puts his victims' limbs. Carl breaks his legs, so the mask goes and tries to help him escaping.

Boomstick: After 15 years, Carl replaced one of his broken hooves with a wooden leg, and killed the entire population of Earth. Here he understands that the mask isn't the real Paul, and threatens it to destroy it and find the real one.

Wiz: Carl finds out that his friend is now dead, and realizes that the mask wasn't live, it was just an hallucination. After realizing that he obliterated all the living beings from the planet, he screams Paul's name and suicides himself by drowning.

Boomstick: Woah...

Wiz: Hovewer, Carl doesn't really have a solid moveset, so we are going to consider everything he did in both the series and the mobile game.

Boomstick: Carl can use knifes, and his kicks and headbutts are capable of kicking people off a ship from a medium distance.

Wiz: It's unknown how, but he can also summon a giant hoove from the sky to stomp everything in front of him.

Boomstick: This llama can also rip the fabric of space-time, and create portals! And he apparently can donate life to objects, like the Meat Dragon, an average dragon. Just made of orphan meat.

Wiz: Carl also mentions that he created a blood vortex in Paris, and a giant orb creature made of nerves that would shock humans and eat their skin.

Boomstick: He also has a Basilisk in his Gore Pit, but it doesn't harm as he only eats Chipotle. No, wait, what kind of mental creature would ever d...

Carl: Because I'm a dangerous sociopath with a long history of violence. I don't understand why you keep forgetting that.

Pre-DEATH BATTLE[]

(cues Invader)

Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set. Let's end this debate once and for all!

Boomstick: IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLE!

PC

DEATH BATTLE![]

(cues Everyday Goat)

Some men are relaxing in the first floor of the Put-In Hotel, waiting for Deadmau5 to begin his concert, when suddenly a scream breaks the silence.

(music stops)

Jolle: GO AWAY!

Paul Mask: You must finish your work, Carl.

Carl prepares the knife, ready to stab the man, when the elevator opens and Pilgor rolls off it, hitting Carl.

Jolle: Oh, thank you, you sav-

Pilgor headbutts the cumbersome human, who flies away from the window.

Jolle: -WHAAAA!

Carl: A goat? I always say it, it's the fault of the government, swans and goats.

Pilgor: Baah?

The two animals gets up, as the humans slowly reach the exit.

(cues You will know our names)

Carl: "What"? What do you mean by "What"? You just ruined the innocent hobby of an active member of the community.

Pilgor: Baah... Baah.

Carl: Brutally stabbing him to collect his organs? Why would I do something like that? What do you think I am, a dirty goat?

Pilgor: Baah? BAAAAAH!

FIGHT![]

Pilgor charges Carl, but he stabs the goat in the head before her attack.

Pilgor: BAAAAAAH!

Pilgor distances him with a swift headbutt and starts licking him.

Carl: What ar-

Pilgor eats Carl, expelling him into a watermelon, which she headbutts in the direction of the window. The watermelon explodes, while Carl gets smashed against a car.

Line: I-is that a llama?

Carl: Keep driving, I won't kill you. That's my least favourite thing to do.

Carl says, as he prepares to throw the knife to his foe. As the car and the llama get away, Pilgor charges the Blue Streak and starts running in the same direction. Unfortunately, the Blue Streak's effect rapidly ends, and the car outruns her.

Pilgor: BAAAAAAAAH!

Carl's knife hits again Pilgor in the head.

The goat quickly looks right, left and centre to find something that could have helped her in reaching her foe, until she sees an open garage.

Paul Mask: You must-

Carl: I KNOW! I promise I'll find the real Paul, and he won't be very happy about you!

Paul Mask: I AM the real Paul. Hovewer, we need to kill that goat, the knife wasn't enough. Where is sh-

Pilgor: BAAAAH!

Pilgor licked the Spider-Goat diamond, and she was now swinging in the air using her tongue as a liana.

Paul Mask: How is she doing this? Do something!

Carl: Don't worry.

Pilgor mashes against the tunnel, as the car surpasses it.

Arrived in GoatVille, Carl, followed by the floating mask, jumps off the car.

Paul Mask: How did she survive all of that? It's just a goat!

Carl: Survive? Why do you think I would have killed her? That's not very nice from you, Paul.

Paul Mask: Bu-

Carl: Sssh.

Paul Mask: ...

Carl: Did you hear that? It's the sound of forgiveness.

Paul Mask: Forgiveness for what?

(cues Gotta go fast)

Pilgor: Baaah!

Pilgor slowly reaches Carl by bike, stumbling dangerously with a pleased smile on her snout, satisfied for the incredibly slow high speed she was riding at.

Paul Mask: You... you do realize we're having problems killing a retarded goat, right Carl?

Carl's giant hoove appears from the sky, stomping the goat multiple times.

(music stops)

-STOMP-

Pilgor: Bah.

-STOMP-

Pilgor: Bah.

-STOMP-

Pilgor: Bah.

Paul Mask: That's impossible!

Carl charges the goat, bites her head and throws her into the garden of her house. The llama starts running in her direction, when suddenly Pilgor double-jumps off the fence and falls at dead weight on him. The goat headbutts his foe, throwing him away, and, while he was flying, she does a somersault kick on him.

Carl falls near a group of humans who was enjoying a barbecue. Pilgor follows him, and gets hit by... Molle? Carl was throwing the humans against her. She headbutts the poor human against Carl, and, while he is distracted, she goes around the house to surprise the sociopath llama.

Carl: Where is she?

Molle: Please, leave us alone! Don't kill us!

Carl: Kill you? Killing is my least favourite thing to do. I'm just searching for orphan hands to create another meat dra-

A tennis ball hits the llama in the head.

Carl: Now, that hurts! Not as much as it hurts for the orphans when I cut off their hands by ripping the fabric of space-time, but that still hurts!'

Carl turns back, and sees Pilgor with a mechanical baseball pitcher on her back.

Pilgor: BAAAAAAH!

Pilgor jumps on the barbecue: although she accidentally burns herself, the baseball pitcher now shoots fireballs.

Pilgor: Baaah, baaah? Baah.

Carl: How do I build meat dragons out of hands? Of course, with the Orphan Stomper.

Pilgor: Baaah... Baah! Baah, baah.

Carl: Oh, don't believe me?

Carl's Meat Dragon appears in front of Pilgor, while the citizens run away.

The Meat Dragon roars and swallows the goat.

Nothing seems to happen

Paul Mask: We... We did it!

K.-

The Meat Dragon's stomach emits a strange noise.

K.O.?

Meat Dragon: ...?

The stomach emits the same noise again.

Meat Dragon: ... !

After the third one, the Dragon finally understands what is happening, but now it's too late.

Pilgor: BAAAAAAAAH!

By hitting the dragon so much, Pilgor became the Ripped Goat.

Paul Mask: She is immortal!

Pilgor: FUS-ROH-BAH!

With the Goatborn power, Pilgor's screams throw the Paul Mask away.

Carl: Let's end this!

By opening his space-time portal, Carl summons the Orb, that shocks people and eats their skins.

The Orb tries to shock Pilgor and kill her, but the goat has the same absent-minded look as always. Some mans pass by, so the Orb decides to attack them.

Pilgor: Bah? Baaah!

Pilgor finally understands that Carl was fighting against her, and that the Orb could have killed her favourite licking targets friends, so she charges the humans before the Orb reaches them.

Carl: Where...

Pilgor takes the humans with her in the woods, while the Orb follows them.

A couple of seconds later, Carl is invested by the Orb. Pilgor became the Devil Goat by sacricifing the men, and with her powers, she threw the Orb back.

Since Pilgor is advantaged for knowing the positions of her weapons, the llama decides to bring the fight in the past. He opens the portal again, catches his foe, and with her he jumps into it.

The two are now in Alvesta, home to the elves that populated Goatasia in the past.

Carl: Uhu? Where is she?

There are some elves crawling on trees, but there aren't traces of Pilgor.

Carl: WHER-

Pilgor, invisible thanks to her Rouge costume, hits Carl in his back.

Carl, screams angrily, as he looks for the goat.

Pilgor becomes visible again by pushing him from behind; Carl ends up smashing his snout against a rock. But that wasn't a normal rock: there was a sword sticked in it, the ExcaliGoat.

Pilgor sees it and decides to take it, but another Meat Dragon appears out of nowhere, giving Carl his time to take the sword.

Using her Rouge costume and its ability to apply a perfect make-up, Pilgor easily kills the Dragon, while Carl struggles in order to take the sword.

Carl: She... SHE KILLED MY MEAT DRAGON? AGAIN!?

Pilgor jumps towards the rock and takes the ExcaliGoat without problems, while Carl tries to open his teleport to escape.

Pilgor: Baah baah... BAAAH!

Pilgor charges him, and, with the ExcaliGoat still on her back, she and Paul roll over while entering in the teleport.

The two arrive in the middle of Goat City Bay's road.

Carl: LET'S FINISH THIS!

Carl bites Pilgor in the head. The goat screams, moves her head down and slowly steps back, while the llama keeps biting.

Pilgor: Baaaah... BAAAH!

The goat, now ready, with a swift movement rushes forward, causing the ExcaliGoat to pierce Carl's body.

Pilgor, tired and happy, leaves the sword pierced into the llama's remains, while he goes to the Put-In Hotel to listen to Deadmau5's new songs.

K.O.

Pilgor is shown throwing the Paul Mask into an harvester, crawling with her butt on Carl's grave.

Results[]

(cues Goat Storm)

Boomstick: That was brutal!

Wiz: Pilgor surpasses Carl in strenght, speed and, believe it or not, fighting abilities.

Boomstick: But how did Carl lose? He killed everyone on the Earth, while Pilgor is just a stupid goat!

Wiz: True, but Carl did that mostly thanks to the dragons and the Orb, and everytime he killed someone by himself, the victim never fought back, leaving little time for Carl to improve his fighting abilities.

Boomstick: Plus, Pilgor is kind of immortal; she can breathe in space and in the water, survive explosions and go into an harvester without getting hurt.

Wiz: She also fought and triumphed over creatures like demons, dinosaurs and even the Ninja Turtles, all by herself.

Boomstick: But Boomstick, we don't know if Pilgor can actually survive in the space-time portal!

Wiz: In GoatVille, you can see the Coffe Stain Studio, aka the studio of the game developers. Here, the devs are working on a goat-based game. In Goat MMO Simulator, Pilgor eventually finds Alice Liddell and the Rabbit Hole. By entering into it, a mini version of Pilgor finds herself in the desk of the said studio, meaning that Goat MMO Simulator is considered a game in the Goat Simulator world.

Boomstick: Goatception.

Wiz: So Pilgor could actually survive in the portal, as these two phenomenons are extremely similar.

Boomstick: Plus, Carl is a normal llama, and if he can survive through it, why wouldn't Pilgor?


Wiz: And we didn't even use her GoatZ arsenal.

Boomstick: But the deciding factor was the fact that Pilgor can play dubstep music, while Carl can't.

Wiz: Well, not really...

Boomstick: It looks like Carl hasn't goat the balls to fight a goat. Llama say a thing: Pilgor is way too baaahdass for Carl.

Wiz: ... The winner is PILGOR.

PILwin1







Next time on DEATH BATTLE![]

AvYPreview

THE COOLEST WITCH YOU'LL EVER MEET

            VS

THE OCCULT FANATIC AND ARCANA OF EVIL'S MAIDEN

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