Description[]
Drunk and disorderly, one from South Park, Colorado, the other from Quahog, Rhode Island. These alcoholic fathers will battle to the death to settle a decade old grudge!
Interlude[]
Wiz: Alcoholism, a vice that ruins lives, destroys families, and causes irreversible damage to the human body.
Boomstick: But, instead of doing our usual matches of Gods VS Gods, Elite Soldiers fighting each other in combat, we decided to pit these two drunk losers against each other
Wiz: Today, we have Family Guy's own, Peter Griffin
Boomstick: And the owner of Tegridy Weed, Randy Marsh
Wiz: Im Wiz, and he's Boomstick, and And it's our job to analyse their weapons, armour, and skills to find out who would win... a Death Battle.
Peter Griffin[]
Wiz: Now, there are many ways to describe Peter Griffin
Boomstick: Lazy, Stupid and morbidly obese?
Wiz: Well, yes, Peter matches to all those words, weighing in at about 270lbs, at 6'0. And once, Peter got so lazy, he stayed on a couch for days on end, at the end fused with the couch itself.
Wiz: Even more, Peter has an IQ of around 74, having a below average IQ. And once at so may nickels, he turned blind.
- Name: Justin Peter Griffin
- Height: 6'0
- Weight: 270lbs
- Age: 45
- Likes: The Song Bird Is The Word, Road House, Beer
- Dislikes: Responsibility, Being Incorrect, Quinoa
Wiz: However, despite all of this, Peter was able to get a wife, Lois and three children, Meg, Chris and Stewie.
Boomstick: Yep, and through out the series he has made some enemies.
Wiz: Like James Woods, Carter Pewterschmidt and Ernie the Chicken.
Boomstick: This guy is fat, lazy, and probably one of the stupidest guys we have had on Death Battle yet, Randy is gonna sweep the floor with him!
Wiz: Not so fast, Peter Griffin does have some skills, for example Peter is shown recovering quickly from serious injuries, such as losing all the fingers on his right hand while handling M-80 firecrackers. In some episodes, he displays enormous strength, and he even has experience from fighting Ernie the Chicken several times, and even had a brawl with Homer Simpson!
Wiz: But Peter can be a glass cannon at times, he can even be killed by two ants.
Boomstick: However, Peter is also an extremely skilled hunter, even killing Yogi Bear, and a sentient pizza that would be about the size of a Giraffe, oh boy, I'd kill for a 7-foot slice of pizza!
Wiz: Peter Griffin even has the strength to break backs and push cars and rip people's faces off entirely! With the power of Road House.
Boomstick: Peter even has a large amount of weapons at his disposal, like his Pistol, an axe, a submachine gun, shotguns and chainsaws. Peter also has Red Bull, drinking this gives him a large amount of energy for some time.
Wiz: Peter also has his favourite song, "Bird Is The Word" on a vinyl record, several bags of C4 and bottles of horse..uh...juice.
Boomstick: But about his abilities, he has insane levels of durability, surviving having his flesh ripped off by a water pressure hose, being mauled by a lion, and being decapitated. Peter is also is extremely fast for his size.
Wiz: He can fart fire, and preform Hadokens and Shoryukens and he even has his own gravitational pull, and he also can punch an Orca so hard it flew back into it's pool in Seaworld.
Boomstick: Peter can even teleport himself and other people through time and fiction
Wiz: What? Shut up Boomstick, that's impossible
Boomstick: No, im completely serious, Peter Griffin has the power of cutaway gags! Which is a closed off universe where Peter, can just say "This is more *BLANK* than the time where *BLANK*
Wiz: Jesus, so Peter is a reality bending God?!
Boomstick: However, Peter is not immortal, he can die from a car crash, and as we mentioned before, ants, Peter can be childish, and can be beaten up by Joe when he had legs, he can be effortlessly overwhelmed like when he fought Liam Neeson, Jerome and his own daughter, Meg.
Wiz: Well thats Peter Griffin, fat, stupid, but durable and well equipped with weapons and vehicles, like the Petercopter and the Peterrang
Peter Griffin: “freakin' sweet!”
Randy Marsh[]
Boomstick: Now onto Randy Marsh! Owner of Tegridy Weed
Wiz: Despite him being a famous Geologist, Randy has done some idiotic things before. Randy has an unhealthy attraction to marijuana, going as far as to intentionally giving himself cancer just so he could get his hands on legal marijuana and stealing someone's car so he can just buy a copy of World Of Warcraft.
Boomstick: That's totally normal to do, once I stabbed a guy to get the newest Call Of Duty!
Wiz: Alright? Anyway, Randy does have some combat experience, by fighting several dads at Kids Baseball games he's killed someone for acting like a homeless person, and even strangled Winnie the Pooh to death!
Boomstick: Why did he do that? Did Pooh not let him have any of his Honey?
- Name: Randy Marsh
- Height: 5'9
- Age: 45
- Likes: Weed, Geology, Red Wine
- Dislikes: Old People Driving, Homeless People, The Chinese Government
Wiz: Randy is shown to be very violent at times. He chops off a man's hand, and perhaps kills him, in order to stop Stan from knowing that he was an imposter trying to make him not smoke weed. He also joins the civil war re-enactors to take over America, along the way he loots, pillages and kills all the way to the East Coast.
Boomstick: Randy also has a shotgun, which he uses to kill homeless people and cows when high on weed.
Wiz: Randy is an intelligent but simultaneously dim-witted, quick to think man, but he does have a PHD in Geology and was able to found a desalination plant that was able to extract water from human breast implants.
Boomstick: Randy is also talented in singing, having an alter-ego of Lorde and he also hold the world record for the biggest crap taken, a role we all aspire to have.
Wiz: Randy is also good at stealth, once being able to infiltrate a military base to steal a device just to win a Pinewood Derby, and also being responsible for Finland being nuked.
Boomstick: Randy can also be durable, surviving many hits with his fight against the Bat-Dad at the State Final Baseball Game.
Wiz: However, Randy also has a Saint Patrick's Form, by being compelled by the spirit of Saint Patrick, he has the powers of Rainbow Lazers, Clover Rays and his Golden Coins of Spite!
Randy Marsh:“Just gonna get a little bit of cancer, Stan. ..."
Intermission[]
Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set, and we've run the data through all possibilities.
Boomstick: It's time for a DEATH BATTLLLLLLLLLE!
Death Battle[]
Location: South Park Baseball Field
The crowds are cheering, this is the National Minors Baseball League, the finals. South Park Little League Baseball Team from South Park, Colorado, and The Adam West High School Baseball Team representing Quahog, Rhode Island.
Randy was already wasted, chugging beers by the second
"Quahog sucks! They can't play for shit!" The man yelled from the bleachers.
Then Chris Griffin steps up to the bat, and instantly strikes out, not hitting a single ball.
"Oh yeah!" Randy cheered "That fatass just got struck out!"
On the otherside of the bleachers was Peter, sitting with Lois, seeing his son, and his team play against their opponents.
"You know Lois, someone should stop that jerk over there." Peter exclaimed, also drunk off his ass.
Lois sighed "Peter, come on, don't make a scene."
However, Peter ignored her, walking up to the drunk man.
"Hey, stop picking on my son you dirtbag." Peter said, antagonising Randy
"Shut up.." Complained Randy, before realizing, "Hey..you're that Family Guy?"
Randy then pushed Peter away. "How about you fuck off? Your show sucks, your family sucks, and Pawtucket Beer can kiss my ass!" Randy yelled, raising his arms at Peter.
"You can insult my show, my family...but never my beer." Peter grimaced, getting into a fighting position.
FIGHT!
Randy immediately took off his shirt, throwing it into the fellow watchers, who were now getting away from the escalating situation. "You wanna go huh? You wanna go-"
Randy was punched by Peter to the floor, before getting up with a bruise on his left cheek. Randy then punches Peter several times in the stomach. This knocked Peter over, he fell down, as Randy began kicking him as Peter was down.
"You like that you little bitch? Ahaha!" Randy laughed, as he kicked Peter Griffin. However, Peter was ready to retaliate, he was able to overpower Randy, now he was ontop of him. "Lets see what you think!" Peter argued, as he began punching Randy in the face, leaving him bruised and bleeding. Randy then was able to push Peter off of him, leaving him to fall down the bleachers and end up on the floor. Randy believed that this was probably one of the most easiest fights he was in, so he ran down the bleachers, jumping down on Peter, like an alcoholic eagle swooping in for his hunt. However, by this time Peter had been able to get up, seeing Randy leaping towards him, trying to kick him in the face. Peter throws a fist into the air, he's able to punch Randy while Randy was airborne. Randy was then flung into the bleachers, as they collapsed on him.
By now, other people had gotten word about the fight, as the police were called, as they approached the duo, Peter needed to find away to escape the cops to continue the fight.
"Man, this fight was more action packed than the time we were battling in Quahog!"
And instantly, a glowing flash occurred, the two men were now in Quahog, Rhode Island
New Location: Quahog, Rhode Island
Randy, was still wounded, but looked around. "Man, where are we?"
Peter smiled. "Quahog. You're in my world now."
Peter immediately began his assault on Randy, he started this by throwing his firecrackers at Randy, startling him, Peter than ran up and began punching Randy in the face and the ribs. Randy suddenly gets angry sand says "hey that's not fair! I don't know this place. Peter: "no. This is fairer than the time I fought Homer Simpson". Cuts to peter fighting Homer (which is actually pretty fair and nobody ends up winning). Randy: "Shut the fuck up fatass, I will cancel your precious family guy!.". Peter: "At least we don't use paper for our animations!".
Randy angrily rushes up to peter and kicks his balls. But peter dodges it and throws Randy's leg into the Pawtucket Brewery. They both end up knocking crates of bottled beers open and throw them at each other. Peter runs and attempts to tackle Randy and choke him. However randy kicks him before he even succeeds and starts pummelling peter with his fists and then punches peter onto a school bus carrying a load of children. Peter controls the school bus and keeps slamming the door on him.
Peter then throws Randy into the brewery distilleries, as the beer pours all over him, Peter stands triumphant.
Peter laughs "Its over, that was light work, now back to the Clam!"
However, Randy stands up, bruised and bleeding, but his willpower has stayed in tact.
"Hey Peter!" Randy yells. "I didn't hear no bell."
Peter decides to power up, cracking open two cans of Red Bull, and chugging it, giving him a boost of energy.
"Haha! Now this is gonna be more exciting than the time I met Cristiano Ronaldo!"
The scene now cuts to Peter in a football pitch, right next to a caricature of the famous football player
"Oh my god! Thats Cristiano Ronaldo!" Peter yelled in happiness.
"i am ronaldo siii" ronaldo cheered.
It cut back to the fight, with Randy, clearly pissed off.
"Is that what you call fucking humor, its like manatees picking out random balls." Randy complained
Peter, now high on Red Bull, charges towards Randy hitting him with a flurry of punches, Randy then kicked Peter in the shins, right before punching him again in the face. Now, Randy began to make his escape, running out of the building, with Peter shortly following behind.
But then, Peter fell down.
"Ahh.." Peter groaned in pain, holding his knee for several minutes
"You okay?" Asked Randy, who stopped running.
"Yeah, I just need a few minutes." Peter replied, wincing in pain
After a while, Peter got back up, and the fight continued, as Randy clambered on a Pawtucket Beer truck as it made its way through Quahog.
Both dads were on the truck, exchanging blows, both seemed like they were evenly matched before Randy had an idea.
"Beer, and beer is Irish just like Saint Patrick's Day!" Randy recognized, before embracing the spirit of St.Patricks and began to fight back against Peter. Immediately he used his Rainbow waves to push Peter back, bringing him to his knees, then swapping to his Clover Rays to further push Peter down the truck, and finally using his Golden Clothes of Spite to knock him off.
Peter collapsed, falling down the road, in pain, he was ready to release his full potential. "If that Randy guy thinks he's gonna win, he's got another thing coming.."
"This fight was cooler than the time I was Superman."
And in an instant, Peter was now in a Superman outfit, and flew towards the escaping truck.
The citizens watched this fight "Its a bird!" one of them said "No, its a plane!" Another one replied. "No, its Obesity!" The cheered as Peter re-entered the fight scene.
"Well Randy, this fight has gone South Park for you." Said Peter, trying to come off intimidating
"Shut the fuck up." Replied Randy.
And now Peter unleased his laser eyes on Randy, as Randy blocked it with his Clover Rays, it was a tight fight, but the laser eyes overwhelmed Randy, and a huge explosion went off, destroying the truck, and Randy.
Peter stood up after being knocked by the blast. He sighed, taking a breath after winning the brawl.
"Well, now its time to go to the Clam." Peter smiled, however, when he got there, the Clam was completely destroyed, being hit by all the rubble.
"Goddammit! NO!" Peter cried.
Results[]
Wiz: And there goes another Family Guy.
Boomstick: Yep, sure Randy did have a history of fighting, and abilities, he just couldn't match to Peter Griffin's godly power
Wiz: What?
Boomstick: His cutaway gags! He has the power to completely change a scenario for comedic effect or to turn a fight for his own favour
Wiz: Well yes, Peter can use this to change locations, meet fictional characters not in his own universe and gain new abilities, like molting into another Peter when hungover
Boomstick: Peter can even bring in new weapons into existence, like lightsabres and guns
Wiz: Yes, Peter's power is controlled by his limitless imagination, and can practically bend reality as we know it.
Wiz: So that means Peter is probably one of the most powerful beings we have covered, a time and reality bender, and its some drunk irish-american guy.
Boomstick: The winner is Peter Griffin, God save us all.