Description[]
It's Paul Blart: Mall Cop vs Night at the Museum! Paul Blart takes on Larry Daley! With the fatter version of Segway Guy win? Or will Larry light the way to victory?
Interlude[]
Wiz: We need security guards, and they can be local heroes or worldwide heroes
Boomstick: Paul Blart, the diabetic Mall Cop
Wiz: And Larry Daley, The Museum of Natural History's night guard
Boomstick: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick
Wiz: And it's our job to anilize their weapons, armor, and skill to see who would win a Death Battle
Paul Blart[]
Wiz: Paul Blart is the obese family man that patrols West Orange Pavilion Mall
Boomstick: Before becoming a Mall Cop he was trying to get a spot in the New Jersey State Police but failed because of his hypoglycemia.
Wiz: After that test, he went to his second career choice---
Boomstick: A segway riding security guard
Wiz: And he would never expect to become a hero when the new security guard went psycho
Boomstick: And he took him down with a variety of crap around the place
Wiz: He has his mode of transportation the Segway
Boomstick: This Segway is his main mode of transportation saving him a lot of energy which is pretty helpful when he has to go across long distances
Wiz: He can bowl over other people and has quick thinking.
Boomstick: He is extremely durable even getting kicked by a goddamn horse, and getting slammed into a parked car clearly denting it, but got up perfectly fine
Wiz: That can kill a person, or at least break some bones!
Boomstick: But his bulk can get in his way at times
Wiz: His speed---
Boomstick: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Wiz: Oh boy I know what you are thinking Boomstick and Im agreeing with you
Boomstick: His speed is pretty pitiful but he can make up for that with endurance and durability
Wiz: He is also a hypoglycemic--
Boomstick: Meaning if he doesn't have sugar every few hours he'll get loopy and go into a sugar coma.
Wiz: He also has a lot of tactics and is a skilled fighter, taking out multiple thugs in one night
Blart: Hey you Scuba Dooby Doo!
Larry Daley[]
Wiz: Larry Daley is the security guard at the Museum of Natural History
Boomstick: Before that he was a divorced bum that was looking for a job
Wiz: But after getting the job he found out that all the exhibits came to life
Boomstick: Being a night guard he carries a Magnum LED flashlight
Wiz: He can use it as a blunt instrument and use the light to blind enemies for a brief time
Boomstick: He is also skilled in hand to hand combat and can kick ass if he wanted to
Wiz: He also is the protector the tablet of Aukmanra, the very thing that allows the exhibits to come to life
Boomstick: He has studied all the museum's sites and pretty much everything about anything
Wiz: But he has his share of weaknesses
Boomstick: Right! He has almost no experience when it came to fighting, has always had somebody to watch his back, only has that flashlight to fight with, and, lets face it, kinda an idiot
Wiz: But he has defeated Kamunrah, saved the exhibits from freezing up for good, and won a slap fight with a monkey
Boomstick: Yeah, that was classic
Teddy: Lawrence, why are you slapping a monkey?!
Larry: Teddy, he has been pushing me and pushing me and I'm sick of it!
Pre-Death Battle[]
Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set, let's end this debate once and for all
Boomstick: IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLE!!!
Death Battle[]
(The Museum of Natural History, New York)
(It almost time to lock the Museum as Larry waits for his shift to start)
Larry: Any minute now
(Meanwhile, Paul was looking for a place to stay for the night while on his Segway)
Paul: Good thing I brought you, I didn't think they'd let you on the carry on!
(Paul finds a door and goes in only to find a museum)
Paul: Huh nice hotel!
(Larry hears Blart and gets up)
Larry: Hey! You can't be here! Get out!
Paul: (Still thinking it's a hotel) Oh great a mouthy Bellhop! Ok I'll give you a $1 tip and take my luggage to my room
(Larry gets mad and starts to walk to him)
Larry: Look buddy, I'm didn't come to my shift to be mouthed by a sumo wrestler in a suit!
Paul: Alright, that's it! You asked for it.
(Paul revs his Segway)
Larry: Time for me to guard!
FIGHT!!!
(Larry runs at Paul and grabs him)
Larry: Hello!
(He pulls Paul off his Segway and repeatedly punches Paul)
Paul: This is getting old!
(He body slams Larry and sends him flying)
Paul: I'm gonna kill you!
(Paul gets on his Segway and chases after Larry)
Larry: Cmon I can take him!
(He whips up his flashlight and swings it at Paul, knocking him off his Segway again)
Larry: This will show you!
(Larry repeatedly hits Paul with his flashlight, but the mall cop feels almost nothing)
Paul: Is that all you got?!
(He headbutts Larry, making Larry stumble and making Paul cringe)
Paul: Ah! Nobody wins with a headbutt!
(Larry stops stumbling and tries to recover from the headbutt, but Paul is having his own problems)
Paul: Ah man... sugar
(He collapses on the ground and finds a half eaten Oreo Cookie)
Paul: Have to eat it
(He picks up the cookie and eats it., making him get back up again)
Paul: Now then...
(Paul gets on his Segway one more time and sails at Larry but is greeted with a bright light)
Paul: AH!!
(Paul hits a wall and Larry pushes him off the Segway and tries to finish him off)
Larry: Goodbye
(Paul quickly punches and pins Larry against a wall and his Segway)
Paul: Goodbye!
(He jumps in the air and gets in a cannonball position and crushes Larry's head)
Paul: Looks like I have to find another hotel
KO!
Results[]
Boomstick: That was brutle! Show it again!
Wiz: Although Larry was way smarter, faster, and skilled than Blart, Paul outclassed him in everything else
Boomstick: One of Larry's greatest feats was defeating Khamunrah, an Egyptian pharaoh from Hell. But he had henchmen to take down and had General Mustard and the Dick Brigade to watch his back.
Wiz: Paul has taken down 8 criminals in one night with nothing but his fists and a bunch of crap in the mall
Boomstick: His durability is insane. He has been beaten by Rudolph, the long haired dude, and has been kicked by a horse!
Wiz: But this battle was a battle of brains, brawn, and durability. For Paul, 2 out of 3 ain't bad.
Boomstick: Looks like Larry had to say goodnight! Ha ha!
Wiz: The winner is Paul Blart
Next time[]
Boomstick: Next time on Death Battle...
(Ellis is seen holding a grenade launcher and fires it)
Ellis: Kill all sons of bitches, that my official instructions.
(The tank he his fighting dies)
(Chuck is seen working at a desk making a double paddle chainsaw)
Chuck: This is going to be fun
(He walks outside to fight a horde of zombies)
Ellis vs. Chuck
COMING SOON!!!
| Paul Blart vs. Larry Daley | |
|---|---|
| |
| Season | 1 |
| Overall Episode | 4 |
| Season Episode | 4 |
| Written by | Hoppingclams343 |
| Episode guide | |
| Previous Dead By Daylight Killer Battle Royale |
Next Ellis vs Chuck |
Description[]
Another remaster of one of my first fights, lets see how this goes
Interlude[]
Wiz: The everyday security guard. They protect us from criminals, keep a building protected, and keep themselves dedicated to their jobs
Boomstick: And these two are the best in the business
Wiz: Paul Blart, the big mall cop
Boomstick: And Larry Daley, the flashlight wielding night guard
Wiz: I'm Wizard and He's Boomstick and it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skill to see who would win a death battle
Paul Blart[]
Wiz: In the town of West Orange, NJ, Paul Blart is known as the hardest working member at the local mall
Boomstick: As a security guard, Paul aspired to be a New Jersey State Trooper. So he tried out several times and well...
(A scene from Paul Blart shows him growing dizzy and falling short of the finish line)
Boomstick: Damn, right at the finish line
Wiz: Now 0 for 8 at his training and reasonably saddened by it, he kept working to be a trooper by working at the mall, and a good thing too
Boomstick: Turns out that the new guy the mall hired and who Paul took under his wing, turned out to be a criminal who was organizing the biggest heist ever known
Wiz: Until Paul, albeit unintentionally, stayed inside and found the criminals
Boomstick: Who knew that being distracted by video games could lead you to beat the shit out of people
Wiz: More than a couple Boomstick, over the course of an hour Paul subdued and trapped all of the criminals, Veck included
Boomstick: And his lucky ass heroics don't stop there. Several years later he was invited to a Vegas convention, where him and a few others foiled a plan to steal paintings
Wiz: And to think, if he had accepted that job at the New Jersey Police, those thieves would have gotten away with millions
Boomstick: Ok, thank fuck the story is over with, now we can talk about the good shit
Wiz: Swearing a self-made oath to protect the mall and all inside it, Blart decided to take action and fight back
Boomstick: And with the help of a bunch of random items, he went all Home Alone on those thugs. Kevin McCallister would be proud, or sue
Wiz: His main way of getting around is the Segway, a battery operated vehicle that can go up to 15 miles an hour, but with Paul's added weight it really goes down to 8
Boomstick: Even then, with this baby Blart can jump gaps between buildings, run over pesky animals, sorry Scruffy, and can maneuver quick enough to dodge bullets.... what the fuck...
Wiz: Even without his Segway he is surprisingly agile given his plus-sized figure, able to fight on par with several thugs, his weight can also be used as a weapon to help him out
Boomstick: Death by fat... there are better ways to go
Wiz: Blart is also a quick thinker and strategist, within several minutes he came up with a plan that successfully worked at the mall, using nothing but random items he found in the mall and few vines from the Rain Forest Café
Boomstick: The things he used include: A little toy robot, a fish tank heater, a baseball bat, a SCUBA tank, a mannequin, hockey gear, rope, a borrowed phone, and a hot sauce called "The Devil's Crotch", heheheh. Oh that is better than Sphincter Shrinker
Wiz: Not only those, when he was in Vegas he and a few other guards got access to a few non-lethal weapons
Boomstick: Uhhgg... I hate non-lethals... well he uses a Taser that which can stun a man as long as the hooks for it stay attached. His marble gun shoots out marbles that trip anyone running after him, his beanbag is a shotgun that shoots cloth covered pellets that hurt aplenty, and a glue gun, which shoots out hot glue at an enemy, though it has been known to backfire on him
Wiz: Along with those non-lethal weapons, Blart can use his own body as a weapon
Boomstick: His own weight can be used as a weapon, able to knock people out by his fists, stomach, headbutt, and by anything else that may have on him
Wiz: As for just being a security guard, he has shown to be a lot more than that. He has an impressive aim despite not having firearm training, has avoided gunfire on multiple occasions, and knocked out every thug in the mall, all within a few hours
Boomstick: He is also a tactical mastermind and skilled improviser, able to come up with plans on the spot. He can also take quite a hell of a beating
Wiz: He has survived getting beaten by a metal baton, gotten back up from getting smacked in the face with a skateboard, and fell from 100 feet from the top of the mall and into a ball pit, having nothing but plastic balls to break his fall. And also having his Segway fall on top of his afterwards
Boomstick: And that's not the end of it. He has also dodged attacks from the bottom while hiding in a vent, and survived getting kicked by horse then slammed into a car
Wiz: But even with all that Blart has limits. Although he is stronger and faster than the average man, his weight often gets in his way
Boomstick: He is also a severe hypoglycemic, which means he needs a Snickers bar every 30 minutes or he will go down in a faint
Wiz: But don't take Blart as a fat fool. When there is danger, you can always bet on Blart to save the day
Paul: Think Paul, think! What were you always trained to do...? Nothing...
Larry Daley[]
Wiz: Welcome to the Museum of Natural History, where history comes to life
Boomstick: Here you can see all sorts of exhibits like Theodore Roosevelt, a tiki head, an asshole monkey, and Sakagewananana.....
Wiz: That is not her name
Boomstick: Sakagamea...
Wiz: No
Boomstick: Sac... Sac-in-the-box
Wiz: No
Boomstick: Cinco De Mayo
Wiz: Ok we are gonna be here all day... anyways in this museum there are many exhibits that need protection during the night. That's where Larry Daley comes in
Boomstick: Larry Daley was a down on his luck inventor, losing a court case for visitation rights he needed to get a job to keep them
Wiz: Taking the job for retiring night guard Cecil Fredricks, Larry quickly found that he got way more than he bargained for
Boomstick: Turns out that all the museums exhibits come to life at night and nobody knew this except for the night guards, so for the first few nights it was complete chaos at the museum
Wiz: But instead of getting fired he was given one more chance, right around the time the retirees went through with a plan to steal the Tablet of Ahkmanrah
Boomstick: The Tablet is no ordinary artifact, this is what allowed the museums exhibits to come to life, they freeze up and turn back into wax figures
Wiz: But Larry used his knowledge and rallied the exhibits to capture the retirees, and it worked
Boomstick: A couple years later, Larry finally got lucky and sold some of his inventions and founded Daley Devices, but at the same time, screwing over his friends at the museum. Without anyone to vouch for them during the day, they ended up being shipped away to the Federal Archives
Wiz: That wasn't the end of it, it also turned out that one of the exhibits took the Tablet and stowed it away
Boomstick: The little shitface of a monkey, Dexter
Wiz: Now with the world in peril from the undead Pharaoh Kahmanrah, Larry had to save his friends again, but this time, with a lot more help
Boomstick: And his adventures didn't stop there. 2 years later he went back to his night guard job and this time, the Tablet was starting to run out of juice
Wiz: Now with the entire museum in peril, Larry traveled to England and successfully recharged the Tablet
Boomstick: OK, that's 3 movie plots out of the way, now we can talk about Larry
Wiz: As an inventor, Larry has some tools that he created himself, such as the Glow-In-The-Dark flashlight. A handy device that glows to let him know where it is
Boomstick: Sticking with flashlights, while working at The Museum of Natural History, he uses a Maglite LED, a metal cased light about 16 inches long. Complete with krypton based light bulbs, perfect for fighting Superman
Wiz: And during his visit to The Smithsonian, he carried and used the Lunabeam 9 volt, same length as the Maglite, but much more bright
Boomstick: This flashlight uses super bright LEDs, xenon to be exact. Its basically those guys who get tricked out cars and install those bastard LED headlights in them, all condensed into one flashlight
Wiz: With these flashlights Larry can use them as blunt instruments that can do alot of damage if they hit the right spot
Boomstick: He can also use the lights of the flashlights to blind and disorient foes, which is very handy if the guy is coming at him
Wiz: Daley is also a very capable hand-to-hand fighter, able to fight on par with a bloodlusted Kahmanrah
Boomstick: Also mentioning that Kahmanrah was also using a weapon that far outclasses a flashlight, but Larry was able to win handily
Wiz: Daley is also a very intelligent man. As a night guard he educated himself on the many exhibits that came to life during the night
Boomstick: Which came in handy when Huns wanted to rip him apart, because that's what Huns do, and he appeased them for 30 seconds by doing basic magic tricks
Wiz: Larry is also a skilled improviser, give him enough time and he'll come up with a plan that will win him the day
Boomstick: However, he is not perfect. While he is good at hand-to-hand fighting, he doesn't have alot of experience going at it one-on-one, his only real fight being against Kahmanrah
Wiz: He is also very limited in weaponry, with only his fists and two flashlights at his disposal.
Boomstick: But there is no doubt that Larry Daley is a great fighter, and anyone who threatens the museum will have one bad night
Larry: (He pins Kahmanrah and him in a headlock)
Kahmanrah: What are you?
Larry: I'm the night guard (he throws him into the Gate)
Kahmanrah: NNNOOOOOO!!! (he dissolves in the gate and goes into the underworld)
Pre-Death Battle[]
Wiz: Alright the combatants are set! Let's end this debate once and for all!
Boomstick: ITS TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLE!
DEATH BATTLE![]
(Larry is seen checking his watch, waiting for his shift to start)
Larry: Almost time to lock up...
(Paul is seen rolling around on his Segway, looking for a place to stay the night)
Paul: Man, where does a guy find a hotel in New York?
(Paul rolls up to the steps of the Museum)
Paul: Eh, good enough
(He rolls up the steps as Larry goes to lock the door)
Larry: (he turns the key and Paul busts through the door) What the--?!
Paul: (he steps off his Segway) Hmm... nice
Larry: Hey! (he gets up and dusts off his uniform)
Paul: (he looks over)
Larry: Hey, you can't stay here, get out
Paul: Ohhh, a mouthy bellhop... ok, how much of a tip do you want to take my things to my room?
Larry: Wha... this is a museum dumbass!
Paul: There goes your tip...
Larry: Ok, get out, I didn't come to my shift to be loud mouthed by a sumo wrestler in a suit
Paul: Oh that's it... (he goes to punch Larry)
Larry: (he rolls out of the way)
(The two security guards face and glare at each other)
FIGHT!!!
Paul: (he rushes at Larry and punches him in the stomach)
Larry: (he grabs Paul and punches him in the nose)
Paul: (he stumbles backwards and gets on his Segway)
Larry: (he runs after Paul, who swerves into the jungle area of the museum)
Paul: (he hides in the fake vines and shrubbery)
Larry: (he turns on his flashlight and walks into the jungle section)
Paul: (he quickly ties up a vine into a rope trap)
Larry: (he walks into the fake jungle and looks down)
Paul: (he pulls the vine)
Larry: Gah! (his foot gets caught in the loop and he falls to the ground)
Paul: (He comes out of the fake bushes and goes to punch Larry)
Larry: (he quickly pulls up his flashlight and shines it in Paul's face)
Paul: AHG! (he shields his eyes)
Larry: (he looses the vine around his foot and scampers away)
Paul: (he rubs his eyes and runs out of the jungle)
Larry: (he swings his flashlight at Paul, knocking him in the face)
Paul: OW!
Larry: (he punches and hits Larry multiple times, hitting him in the face and stomach)
Paul: (he grabs one of Larry's fists and bends his hand upwards)
Larry: GAHA! (he drops his flashlight)
Paul: (he body slams Larry and runs away to the entrance of the museum)
Larry: (he gets up and slowly follows Paul's footsteps)
Paul: Think Paul, think!
(Paul looks around, eyeing Teddy Roosevelt's sword and a rope)
Paul: Perfect
(He gets to work, setting up a swinging sword trap)
Larry: (he appears from around the corner) Did he come back here?
(He walks forward, his left shoe pulling a tripwire)
Larry: Hm?
(A sword swings down on a rope in front of Larry,, who quickly draws his flashlight and blocks the sword)
Paul: (from behind the desk) Oh c'mon!
Larry: (he rushes to the desk)
Paul: (he pulls out his beanbag gun and fires)
Larry: (he yells in pain and falls backwards, lying on the ground) Mother... (he looks up and sees Paul gone) Aw man...
Paul: (he hides in a restroom and goes into a stall)
Larry: (he gets up and looks around for Paul) Where did you go?
Paul: (he sets up another trap, a tripper)
Larry: (he runs towards the hall where the restrooms are)
Paul: (he waits for Larry to trip)
Larry: (he walks to the restrooms, walks to the trap, but steps over it)
Paul: Aww....
Larry: (he goes into the restroom and opens the stall Paul is hiding in) Forgive me, I forgot to knock
Paul: Heh... (he books it, running past Larry, but tripping over his own trip trap)
Larry: (he takes out his flashlight and proceeds to beat Paul with it)
Paul: (he kicks Larry away and gets up, but begins to feel dizzy) Oh... no...
Larry: (he watches)
Paul: (he falls backwards and hits the ground)
Larry: Huh... ok then (he goes and walks into the bathroom)
Paul: (he struggles to get up, then eyes a discarded Butterfinger) No choice, gotta eat it
(A flush is heard in the restroom)
Paul: (he eats the Butterfinger, getting up)
Larry: (he comes out to see Paul standing up) Uhhg for the love of--- just give up already
Paul: Nope (he pulls out his glue gun and fires it, covering Larry with glue)
Larry: What the?!
(Paul comes in swinging his fists, hitting Larry repeaditly)
Larry: (he dodges a few punches and strikes Paul with his flashlight)
Paul: (he goes down to the floor)
Larry: (he steps on Paul's chest and prepares to stomp it)
Paul: (he quickly grabs his Taser and fires)
(The hooks on the Taser latch onto Larry's neck and chest)
Larry: AHG! (his entire body stiffens up and he falls to the ground)
Paul: (he keeps the trigger held down, keeping the electricity flowing through Larry)
Larry: (he yells in pain)
(A view goes into Larry's chest, showing his heart beating rapidly, until another shock makes it explode)
Larry: (his body goes limp and he dies)
Paul: (he drops the Taser and gets up) Goodnight (he walks away and gets on his Segway)
KO!!!
(Paul escapes as the museum starts to come to life. Dexter comes to Larry's body and picks up the Taser, and starts playing with the trigger)
Results[]
Boomstick: Damn, talk about a heart attack
Wiz: While Larry had more knowledge and was a small bit faster, Paul Blart took every other category
Boomstick: Paul had the weapons advantage, even though they are non-lethal. His Taser, like alot of others, can cause unintentional deaths
Wiz: Paul's combat resume is also much more impressive. Paul took down 8 criminals by himself, with no help except from his wits and items around the mall
Boomstick: Larry's resume is much less impressive than Paul's, only taking down 3 criminals in a night, with the entire museum looking for them as well
Wiz: This is where things get a bit clear between the two
Boomstick: While Larry did have an impressive win against Kahmanrah, he still needed help to get to the man himself. Same with the tablet heist in the first movie and he had to bring half of the fuckin museum with him when he went to London to the tablet recharged
Wiz: And while Paul may have had help in the second movie, his actions in the first show exactly what he can do by himself
Boomstick: Paul is also way more durable than Larry, surviving getting kicked into a car by a horse and falling over 100 feet from the roof of the mall. Larry's durability is limited to falling onto blankets after being thrown by a T-rex
Wiz: Paul also outclassed him, unsurprisingly, in tactics. While both are masterful improvisers, Larry couldn't outclass Paul's creativity with his traps and tricks
Boomstick: Seems like Larry's heart wasn't into this fight night
Wiz: The winner is Paul Blart
| Larry Daley vs Paul Blart | |
|---|---|
[[File:  | |
| Season 1, Episode 2 | |
Vital statistics
| |
| Air date | August 11th, 2020 |
| Written by | Buttersamuri |
| Directed by | Buttersamuri |
Episode guide
| |
| Previous | Next |
| Frisk vs Sigma Klim | Phoenix Wright vs Sans |
Larry Daley vs Paul Blart is a What-If? episode of Death Battle.
Description[]
Night At The Museum vs Paul Blart Mall Cop!
Security is important no matter where you are at. Wether you are a solider defending the battleground from enemy threats. Or an officer guarding the streets from common thugs a criminals. This is a fight from the lowest form of security that fight threats that seem way upon their leagues but still come out on top.
Interlude[]
Wiz: Security. Something everyone would want to have. Someone to protect their valuables, loved ones, and the people. And when you think of Goofy but still reliable people, these are easily the first two that come to mine.
Boomstick: Larry Daley, Nightguard of the museum in New York.
Wiz: And Paul Blart. The Mall cop of the West Orange Pavilion Mall.
Boomstick: He's Wiz, and I'm Boomstick.
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills, to find out who would win a Death Battle!
Paul Blart[]
(Cue Inner Circle - “Bad Boys” Theme)
Wiz: If you come to the West Orange Pavilion Mall, you may get a glimpse of a certain mall cop riding on his Segway with a high sense of justice.
Boomstick: This man is Paul Blart.
Wiz: Paul has always seemed to hold a high outlook on justice and security. Earlier in his life, he attempted to join the New Jersey Police academy
Boomstick: Though unfortunately due to his Hypoglycemia, he ended up failing the final course that would allow him to become an officer.
Wiz: Feeling defeated, Paul picked up the next best job he could get. A mall cop. It wasn’t exactly the type of protection he had hoped for, he still took his job as serious as he could.
Boomstick: He went quite a while being treated kind of as a joke or just flat out disrespected.
Wiz: But this would all change when a group of thugs were preparing to rob the mall. After a seemingly random guy got hired on for security. Turns out he was working with a bunch of other criminals to steal from the malls stores. He and the other armed men forced every customer out of the store except for a few hostages in order to prevent the police from coming inside.
Boomstick: Little did they know, Paul heard non of the commotion. He was too busy rocking it on guitar hero and hadn’t left the mall when everyone else did. After finishing up his gig, he went back to his shit just to learn the place had gotten taken over. He was about to leave the mall to get with everyone else but decided, know what, I’m going to try and be the hero here. So Paul became the man on the inside.
Wiz: At first glance you would very likely underestimate Paul and his capabilities. Paul is actually surprisingly fast, strong and tough.
Boomstick: Paul has taken some serious punishment and gotten back up like it didn’t happen. He has taken a 3 story fall while fighting with one of the criminals, got kicked by a horse into a car and was fine, got hit by a car and got back up, rammed into a car so hard it dented the thing, and once survived jumping out of a speeding vehicle crashing onto the ground and got back up like it was nothing.
Wiz: And the guy isn’t just tough, he is certain strong to. He lift and toss people with one arm, fight those who can injure him, and once threw himself off his Segway and through a pair of glass double doors causing them both to shatter into tiny bits. He has knocked people out with a single punch before, beat a trained women by laying on her, overpowered some buff criminals, and could lift up an obese person with rope. For someone of his stature, he actually holds some impressive strength.
Boomstick: Theres even once criminal Paul knocked out using a massive explosion. We know they survived as no deaths are every mentioned, and the corrupt cop said only he talks to the criminals as he secretly needed to codes on their arms to get the malls money.
Wiz: This explosion is quite large. Comparing it to a nearby bin gets us a force of 63,522,510.19304001 joules of energy. Which Paul should reasonably scale to. None of the trained fighters are ever shown to be physically superior to Blart. So it should be fair to assume Blart would scale to this.
Boomstick: Blart is pretty fast too. There is quite a few times the guy has shown he can react to pistol fire before and thrown down with others who can do the same. And we see them fire the gun first before Paul moves. This isn’t any aim dodging.
Wiz: With these kinds of stats, Paul has pulled off some impressive feats. He has take on groups of trained criminals more than once, stopped the robbing of his mall, and later stopped another robbing of some very values paintings as his hotel when at a convention. This shows just how skilled and smart Paul is. And remember, Paul should be trained in combat. The start of the movie indicates this by saying he has passed all other forms of examines and training. All he had to do is pass the physical and he would be a full fledge cop. Meaning his fighting skill being so good isn’t as surprising as you would think. And he is wildly intelligent. Along with just a general intelligence on the world and facts about it. He has utilized things around the mall and turned them into weapons, once jury differed an explosive with a hair straighter and stove, and outsmarts criminals who have been planning their heist for quite a while.
Boomstick: But lets get to the good stuff. Paul has a hell of an arsenal. His has his Standard Segway. These things can go up to 12.5 MPH. He is an expert in maneuvering with them. He had jumped across buildings with it, can dodge and hold the balance on it with extreme accuracy, and reacted to bullets while riding the thing. But in the second movie has an an upgraded Bat-Segway. It’s bigger, more maneuverable, just as fast, and is tough durable that bullets can’t even pierce the thing.
Wiz: Along with this he carries around a hand held taser, A vibrating fork, Hot sauce he has successfully flung into peoples eyes, a grenade launcher which shoots an immensely large amount of glue, A Marble launcher, a bean bag gun, and a camera drone.
Boomstick: And this doesn’t even include the stuff he has found it made from the stuff around him. He has made electric bows and rigged explosives as well. He has a hell of an arsenal backing him up. He is one hard man to beat.
Wiz: Unfortunately, he has one big drawback. Hypoglycemia.
Boomstick: Yea. Unfortunately for the big guy, if he doesn’t keep some sugar in his system, he will drop the floor and barely be able to move. He is weakened so much he typically can’t even stand, and his senses are entirely off, causing him to be unable to see straight.
Wiz: Though, even this weakness isn’t that bad. The literal moment he eats a candy, he is back on his feet like nothing happened. He doesn’t even seem to need any time to digest it. Get eating it is enough. And it doesn’t take a lot. Simple pieces of candy like a lollipop or drops of ice cream have refueled or mall cop hero.
Boomstick: Best criminals stay out of the path of Paul Blart and the West Orange Pavilion Mall. Else you will feel the power of him and his weight.
“Safely Never Takes a Holiday” Paul Blart
Larry Daley[]
(Cue Night At The Museum Opening Theme)
Wiz: Entering into New York City, you may have heard of the American Museum of Natural History. It’s here that our second combatant works and guards.
Boomstick: Meet Larry Daley, a single father who works night shift for this very museum.
Wiz: After Larry and his wife got divorced, Larry got to see his kid less and less. His wife was threatening to ultimately cut off his rights with him completely if he didn’t get serious and get a real job.
Boomstick: So Larry ended up getting a job at the museum. Not expecting the huge surprises to come. Mainly only, the Huge Dinosaur exhibit that came to life along with the rest of the museum.
Wiz: Just barley surviving his first night. He met one of the long term exhibits that stood there, Teddy Roosevelt. He agreed to help him wrap stuff up for the first night, but no more. Unfortunately for him, they didn’t catch everything, and one of the mini cowboy exhibits was being held inside the Roman exhibit.
Boomstick: Even more unfortunately, his boss somehow managed to spot this tiny thing and was not happy.
Wiz: After that insane night, he got his explanation from the previous night guards about what was going on. A tablet exhibit was bringing life to the other exhibits. They weren’t really the people they thought they were, but they had all the memories and beliefs that person had. Once he learned about this. He had walked out on them.... for about 1 minute. But then when running into his ex and kid, the kid was really excited to know he worked at the museum. Larry not wanting to let him down, when back inside and said he had changed his mind and would try again.
Boomstick: Really? What kind of kid gets excited that their dad works at a museums. Unless it’s the museum of guns and beer, I wouldn’t be interested.
Wiz: Regardless to that, Larry eventually grew to love the job. He researched the exhibits to learn their likings and what might keep them distracted, and ultimately made friends with them.
Boomstick: He even made friends with the Barbarian Genghis Khan.
Wiz: Once he started getting settled and use to the job, then something happened. Turns out the old nightguards who use to work there were planning to steal the tablet and pin it on Larry. So Larry has to put a stop to it. Which with the help of the other artifacts, he managed to catch them.
Boomstick: And when we look at the guys stats, it’s no surprise that he could do it. The guy is pretty damn strong.
Wiz: He has fought with guards and people who can fight against a giant squid who could casually shatter apart large crates. He has played tug of war with Rexy, a literal T Rex, and also fought against Sir Lancealot who once overpowered a Triceratops with a single punch. And this Triceratops was so strong it managed to bash down a large set of double wooden doors. Measuring the doors height, width, and length gets a result of 27,470,435.09989889 Joules of energy. Something he should very much upscale from.
Boomstick: And the guy is tough too. He has taken hits from giant squids, a T Rex, a metal serpent, and even took several hits from Lancealot himself. The guy not one to mess around with.
Wiz: And Larry does have some very impressive footspeed. He has outran a Triceratops on foot, who reach a speed of 34.1754 MPH. He has reacted and blocked to arrows and catapults at point blank range. And compares to the guards who have caught spears from close range thrown by Amelia Earhart. She does note she has training in throwing spears, and you average athletic human can at least throw spears hitting up to 90 MPH.
Boomstick: Larry has even dodged gunfire. And before you say the guns he dodges aren’t real, the tablet is what makes them real. That’s why several planes and gadgets that wouldn’t and shouldn’t work start to function at night. Like the planes for instance. None of these have fuels or working engines, yet at night. They fly with no issues.
Wiz: Also recall. Guns have been a clear threat to someone like Sir Lancealot. When Teddy blocked his pathway and held a gun at him. Lancealot wouldn’t go past him. It would be weird for Teddy to waste his time pointing a fake gun that didn’t work as a means to threaten him.
Boomstick: Plus, that’s not even the peak of his speed. He and Amelia scale to and or could pilot the planes around the museum. How impressive is that you may ask. It flew from Washington DC and back in under an hour. Considering they weren’t even in the plane or the same room as them when they noticed they had an hour before sunrise, when everything would turn back to wax, they had to book it to the plane and then fly to New York. Have a conversation after they landed, and then Amelia flew all the way back and got her plane back in it’s spot on time.
Wiz: Considering how little time they had left and how much they had to do pre each flight. It couldn’t have been anymore than 30 minutes. That’s 456.6 every 30 minutes, or 913.2 MPH. Hitting into the Supersonic speeds.
Boomstick: And this was just her plane. There were other ones that they reacted to in the museum that are more advanced and should logically be much faster. Giving Larry some impressive reactions.
Wiz: He certain does, and work the these stats, he has pulled off some very skilled feats
Boomstick: He has handles museums filled with wild animals, range from modern day lions to Wooly Mammoths. His skill compares to some of the best fighters in history. This includes Genghis Khan, Napoleon, Ivan The Terrible, Al Capone, Kahmunrahs soldiers, and Kahmunrah himself. Remember, Kahmunrahs soldiers were skilled enough to overwhelm the other skilled exhibits like Genghis Kahn who also is later fighting against Napoleons, Ivan’s, and Al’s men. And Larry directly whoops Kahmunrah one on one. This is further backed up when he fights against Lancealot. One of the toughest knights of the round table. He also is pretty dang smart. After first getting his job. He basically started to research history in order to understand the exhibits around him. This knowledge seemed to spam pretty far into it as he even knew Exhibits from other museums that he didn’t seem to have a need to research at the time. He has outsmarted Kahmunrah, Turned some of the greatest minds against each other like Al Capone, Ivan the terrible, and Napoleon, and saved 3 different museums from different threats.
Wiz: There is no denying he has skill. Though he doesn’t carry that much in an arsenal.
Boomstick: He has his trusty flashlight. While may look pretty useless. It’s bright enough to temporarily blind someone at close range. He also has used it as a weapon when clashing against Kahmunrah. The thing isn’t going to break easily considering it took several direct hits from Kahmunrah wielding a bladed weapon and still held together.
Wiz: He has his keys, though, this doesn’t really have any use in a combat scenario. But one last thing he can get access to is The Golden Tablet of Pharaoh Ahkmenrah. This is the famous artifact which brings life to all the artifacts in the museum. Anything that is fake around it’s range will be brought up life with all the memories and personality of whatever they are based on. This isn’t just limited to people and animals though. It has turned fake planes into real ones, guns into real weapons, and even turns paintings into the actual picture inside. Letting you freely step inside and enter the world. With this tablet.
Boomstick: And with this power. He can easily get the help from his exhibit friends in battle.
Wiz: Well. He could, if he was in that place. And it also was night. See. The tablets range in bringing things to life seems to space most of Washington DCs museum. If Larry was that in range of the place then he could. But the tablet also only brings stuff to life at night.
Boomstick: Odds are, he isn’t going to be in that area. Plus, it wouldn’t exactly be fair to place the entire museum against Paul alone. But the tablet could still cause quite a commotion and distraction. Even if it wasn’t Exhibits that know or would help either or them, having everything around you jump to life would definitely change the battlefield quite a bit.
Wiz: While so impressive in terms of stats, he at times can just suddenly seem slow-witted. Sometimes even being able to recognizing famous people like Sacagawea or Columbus.
Boomstick: Though being a little slow at times isn’t so bad in Terms of weaknesses. He still is one impressive fighter. If you are going to try and cause trouble, do it as far as Larry Daley as you possibly can.
“Everything in the Museum comes to life at night!” Larry Daley
Intermission[]
Wiz: All right the combatants are set, let's end this debate, once and for all.
Boomstick: It's time for a Death Battle!
DEATH BATTLE[]
- Enter The West Orange Pavilion Mall. The place is about the close up. Paul is doing one last check up around the place before heading back home. While riding around, he heard a crash on the second floor. He looked over before starting to roll his Segway to the second floor. Once he got there. He saw a man in a blue suit walking out of one of the stores. Rolling up.
Paul: Hey buddy. The Malls closed.
- He quickly turned around.
Larry: Oh. yea. Umm. Sorry. Just got a little lost.
Paul: Dont worry about it, I can lead you out.
Larry: Oh. Know what. It’s fine. I can find my way out.
- Paul glances him over. Finding him to be a bit suspicious. He then noticed the bag he had around him.
Paul: Mind me asking what’s in that bag there?
- Larry quickly placed his hand on the bag*
Larry: What, this? Oh it’s nothing. Just.. stuff. Boring stuff.
- Paul glances at him before spinning his Segway around.
Paul: Well.. alright then.. just be on your way out.
Larry: Yea. I’ll just be heading out now.
- Larry turned to walk away. But before he could take so much as a step, he felt his bag being opened. By the time he turned around, it Paul already took what was inside the bag out.
Paul: Ahh Haa!
- He looked at his hand, now holding this golden square thing with a lot of different designs on it.
Larry: Hey, that’s mine, give that back.
Paul: Why were you hiding this?
- he held it in his hand while starting to roll his Segway around Larry.
Larry: That doesn’t matter, just give it back. It’s mine
Paul: I don’t think this is yours. I think you stole it.
Larry: Stole it? Really, from where?
- Paul turned to point at the store he came out of, but as he did Larry swiftly grabs it and started to run.
Paul: Hey!
Larry: Sorry!
- Paul Started to Segway after him. As he past a trash can, he grabbed a half eaten apple and chunked it, hitting Larry and causing him to hit the ground. Paul rolled up and Larry stood back up, both were basically face to face.
Fight
- Larry kicks Paul off the Segway before placing the tablet in his bag. Paul gets back up and tries to tackle Larry. Larry jumps to the side and starts to run the other direction. Paul starts giving chase again. Larry makes a turn into one of the toy stores and then checks his watch. It was too late. He had about a minute left before the tablet brought everything to life. Even if he didn’t run into this mall cop guy. The exit is more than a minute away. Paul runs to the store and looks up. He grabs the gate and pulled it to the ground before locking it.
Paul: Ha! Got you!
- Larry looks up to the now locked entrance.
Larry: Dammit.
- The tablet in his hand then started to glow before its power was released around the mall. Larry looked to it.
Larry: This can’t get any worse.
- Paul was about to turn away to find a phone. But then started seeing other things starting to come to life. Mannequins and toys behind the windows in the store started to move. Paul was in complete shock from seeing all these.
Paul: What the heck is happening?
- He hears the gate behind him being bent. He looks over and sees a bunch of bears and soldiers on toy cars with rope tied to the gate pulling at it, causing it to slowly snap off.
SNAP
- The gate finally gives and falls completely down. Larry comes out of the stores
Larry: Thanks guys.
- The beats and soldiers jump off and start running in different directions while Larry ran off the other direction. Paul looks around before running to the back where the camera and gear was.
Paul: Lets see. Where is he? Where is he?
- He looked to the camera and saw Larry running towards the back. He was trying to leave through the back of the mall. Well that won’t happen on his watch. Paul runs over and opens a gate. He smirks.
Paul: Lets do this.
- Paul comes driving out on his brand new Bat-Segway, several Guns on his back. He starts charging towards the exit of the mall. Once Larry was in site, he pulled out the bean bag gun, aimed and shot.
- Larry tried to move quickly through the crowd of living toys and objects. But it was a bit hard not stepping on the smaller ones exploring around. Once he saw the exit.
Larry: Almost o—
- He then got smacked in the side of his head tossing him to the floor. He lifted his head and looked over. It was the mall cop guy. And was that a mini cannon gun he was holding? He saw it fire and a bean bag flying straight at him and knocked him square in the face.
Larry: Ow! Jeez!
- He gets back up while Paul is already riding his Segway, bouncing down the stairs. Paul switches to the marble launcher and shoots towards in front of Larry’s path. Larry watches the marbles roll in his pathway and just glances.
Larry: Really?
Paul: Lets see you run past this!
- Larry responded by running through it. Stepping in between the large gaps between the marbles. Paul realized this and started to Segway into his path before charging at, and then into Larry. Larry gets sent back landing on a few marbles.
Larry: Ackk. Ok.. not the best to try and slip your enemies, but they don’t feel good to land on.
- Paul pulls out the glue gun.
Paul: I got you now.
Larry: *backing up a bit while still on the ground* what is that?
Paul: It’s my little friend.
- He fires and a large foam blast of glue comes out. Larry just barley rolls out of the way of it. He looks to it then to Paul before getting up and jumping into him, sending them both and the Segway rolling. Both get back up a little dazed. Larry pulls out his trusty flashlight, and Paul pulled out his Taser. They both swing and clash blow for blow. Larry went swing downwards but Paul catches it and attempts to tase Larry with his other hand. Larry uses his free hand to push Paul’s taser from hitting him, though it came close. Both then headbutt into each other causing both to back up and hold their head
Larry: Ok. Bad idea.
Paul: Nobody wins a headbutt.
- Paul then charges at Larry attempting to taser him in the chest. Larry Turned on his flash light pointing it into Paul’s eyes, blinding him for a few seconds. However his taser did make contact in Larry cause him to fall flat on the ground twitching. Paul recovers first and grabs his glue gun before walking over to Larry and pointing it at him.
Paul: You lose
- Larry still a little paralyzed couldn’t roll away this time. Paul pulled the trigger and...... nothing happened. Paul glances and starts shaking the thing.
Paul: Oh come on!
- He pulled the trigger again causing it to shaking some, Larry regaining movement, kicks upwards causing the gun to go flying, then sweeps Paul’s legs causing him to crash to the ground. The glue guns pressure couldn’t handle it anymore and exploded with such force, the gun was ripped apart, and the glue shot was sent right into Paul’s face. Paul’s head was smashed into the ground with heavy force, but not enough to knock him out. However, he started struggling reaching and failing to pull off the glue foam covering his face. Larry got up and looked over, seeing Paul struggle more and more before they slower stopped, then his body dropped. Larry ran over and tried to feel for a pulse, nothing. It seemed the foam stopped Paul from being able to breathe. The man had suffocated to death.
- Larry looked to Paul’s corpse, then around to the mess the living exhibits were causing.
Larry: This isn’t good...
Conclusion[]
Boomstick: Noooo!!!!! Not the big guy!
Wiz: While Paul was indeed a tricky fighter for Larry, in the end, Larry had too many advantages for Paul to overcome.
Boomstick: But Paul is like a bite more than twice as strong and tough.
Wiz: When looking at the numbers, technically yes. Pauls scaling to 63,522,510.19304001 joules of energy is roughly 2.2 times stronger than Larry’s scaling to 27,470,435.09989889 Joules of energy. However the context of the feats actually makes Larry the stronger one.
Boomstick: What? How can that be?
Wiz: Just look at the context of these feats. The explosion Paul would scale to completely knocked out the guy who survived. He lived sure, but that’s the absolute peak of his durability, and wouldn’t be able to take more than one hit before being knocked flat, Where Larry’s feat scales to a casual punch. He took several hits from people of this level and got up just fine. There’s no real doubt that Larry is ultimately the stronger and tougher one.
Boomstick: Larry is also faster too. Both have reacted to bullets. But Paul doesn’t make too much movement. He scales into Lower to mid Subsonic speeds thanks to his feats, but Larry scales well into Supersonic at least due to his plane reaction feats. Larry also on foot ran more then 3 times faster than Paul’s Segway could move.
Wiz: Paul did have the better arsenal, and had a range over Larry. But non of his range was fatal or fast enough to tag or kill Larry. Even if Paul managed to get a glue shot on Larry. Larry has played tug of war with a T Rex and compares to Lancealot who overpowered a Triceratops with one arm. Larry would be plenty strong enough to break free of it. And while his Taser could have worked miracles, Larry’s sheer speed advantage would making getting that in pretty unlikely. And while The Tablet didn’t offer much in terms of direct attack, it did give a solid distract and changing the battlefield to something he is more use to where his opponent isn’t.
Boomstick: Oh. But I can hear you cry, Larry doesn’t carry that tablet around. Why should have he have access to it?
Wiz: Well, for one. It wouldn’t have mattered as the stats still make a straight one fight go to Larry. But second and most important, Paul doesn’t carry around the gadgets he got in this fight either. He got this from a specific convention for getting gadgets like this. There’s no reason you would find him just carrying this stuff around.
Boomstick: Plus in raw skills do intelligence. Larry took it with ease. Paul has standard police training and fought trained fighters which is good and all. But that hardly compares to fighting with some of the greatest fighters in history. Military lead by Napoleon, Al Capones Gang, Ivan The Terribles men, and even Kahmunrahs soldiers and Kahmunrahs himself. Not to mention one of the best Knights of the round table. Sir Lancealot. Remember that when these exhibits are brought to life. All their experiences, intelligence, and skill are all passed down into these exhibits. Meaning to fight with these people would make Larry leagues better than any standard cop training like Paul has. Larry has also outsmarted much military minds like Napoleon and Ivan. Minds beyond the leagues of what Paul has faced. Even Larry’s casual knowledge would like beat Paul’s.
Wiz: And don’t forget Paul’s biggest flaw. The moment his blood sugar is too low. He has already lost the fight.
Boomstick: It didn’t matter that he could get back on his feat pretty quickly if he ate a piece of candy. The moment he dropped would give Larry way too big of an opening. Which such better stats, Paul wouldn’t have much a chance to get that candy in.
Wiz: Paul’s creativity was helpful. Creating weapons mid fight would give Larry some trouble. But in the end. Larry’s Strength, Speed, Durability, intelligence, and skill overwhelmed Paul’s arsenal and creativity.
Boomstick: Poor Blart. This loss is just apPaulling.
Wiz: The Winner is Larry Daley
Larry Daley (Winner)
++ Faster
++ Much More Skilled fighter
+ Stronger
+ Tougher
+ Smarter
- All together weaker Arsenal
Paul Blart (Loser)
+ All together Better Arsenal
- Slower
- Less skilled fighter
- Weaker
- Less durable
- Less intelligent
Next time on Death Battle
HOLD IT
The defense would like to present their opponent first.
vs
