White blood cell vs White blood cell. Ozzy & Drix vs Cells at Work. Which immune cell is deadlier when face-to-face in a death battle?
Interlude[]
Boomstick: Everyday, we are engaged in a neverending fight for survival. Hidden behind the scenes are agents constantly working 24/7 to stop invaders and protect the balance. We owe so much to the millions or billions of unsung heroes that are locked in an epic battle for our lives.
Wiz: We're talking about your body's immune cells. In particular, your white blood cells.
Boomstick: Like Osmosis Jones, the cell that shakes his groove things in “Osmosis Jones” and "Ozzy & Drix."
Wiz: And U-1146, the knife-wielding Neutrophil from the manga and anime series, "Cells at Work."
Boomstick: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick!
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to see who will win ... a Death Battle.
Osmosis "Ozzy" Jones[]
Theme Song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KxR0wa5GYCA
Boomstick: *Pow* *Pow* *Pow* *Pow*
- ♫Now, this is the story all about how♫
- ♫your health gets flip turned upside down♫
- ♫And I’d like to take a minute, just hear my tones♫
- ♫I’ll tell all about a cell named Osmosis Jones♫
Wiz: ♫In the body of Frank, later Hector♫
- ♫Germs come in and… uh… start to… wrecktor…
Boomstick: You stink.
Wiz: Shut up. Germs and pathogens enter the body on a regular basis threatening to break it and ruin Frank’s or Hector’s lives. Good thing they have white blood cells, including an eccentric one called Osmosis Jones or Ozzy.
Boomstick: Willing to do whatever it takes to save his host, Ozzy is one of those who tends to ignore the rulebook, disobey orders, and take matters into his own hands with reckless abandonment. This attitude puts him at odds with his higher-ups and even makes embarrassing problems for his host. But, hey, it gets the job done.
Wiz: Later, he gets partnered up with a cold pill named Drix, and together, they stopped many bacteria, viruses, and other foreign substances that harm the body.
Boomstick: To fight those nasties, Ozzy is armed with a handgun that appears to be capable of shooting heat rays, mucus, spit, and even stomach acid. Wow! I didn’t know white blood cells use that. I’M LEARNING!
Wiz: Actually, this is just a cartoon. White blood cells don’t actually use those. But they do stretch like Ozzy. He can warp the shape of his elastic body to dodge attacks, get out of holds, grapple microbes, or disguise his appearance. He could even partially split his body, even his head. On his own, he can extend to approximately 3 or 4 times his length.
Boomstick: Woah! Naughty boy!
Wiz: Grow up, Boomstick. Additionally, when other objects are stretching him, he is capable of stretching to even 20 times his length or expanded to about 40 times his volume. However, being stretched that far leaves him fatigued and incapable of moving for a while.
Boomstick: Also, Ozzy is a slippery one, and it’s not only because his body is almost like water. He has good reflexes to dodge attacks. And since he could morph and bend in any way, hitting him is very difficult. In fact, in the movie “Osmosis Jones,” Thrax snuck up behind Ozzy and tried to stab him with his deadly claw, but Ozzy instinctively split his chest to form a hole to avoid a hot, painful death.
Wiz: However, Ozzy has taken some hits, especially when he was distracted or was not expecting it. And when those kicks and punches land, they hurt. One good punch to the head is enough to daze Ozzy. Just because his body is semi-liquid does not mean he can’t get hurt. Nevertheless, he is quite durable and can survive large impact. In fact, one time he went down a girl’s throat- DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, BOOMSTICK!- falling all the way down and walked away only a little dizzy. Even when we take into account that he used a germ to soften the impact, to walk away from what is equivalently a mile fall is an impressive feat.
Boomstick: He can take a beating alright. And his skin could take lots of force. But he’s not invincible. Not even bulletproof like some straw-hat rubber man. When a bacteria wanted to inject Ozzy with a germ fetus, he shot a syringe bullet which pierced Ozzy’s skin.
Wiz: Membrane. The skin is actually a membrane.
Boomstick: You’re a mem-brain.
Wiz: Being a cop, and later a private investigator, Ozzy is pretty smart, and could even uncover devious plans of dangerous foes, like Thrax.
Boomstick: But what we love most about Ozzy is that he is a loose cannon. He’s so unpredictable in how he handles cases and even how he fights enemies.
Wiz: But his attitude also makes him reckless which causes problems. His cockiness or overconfidence gets in the way at times as well. And he does not have much physical strength. That’s why he needs his stronger and more level-headed partner, Drix.
Boomstick: His cockiness is probably also why he loses his gun a lot. Many times, he drops it or it gets knocked out of his hand. But it doesn’t matter anyway. He has bad aim. Usually, his shots miss unless the target is standing still and nearby.
Wiz: One more thing to mention is that Ozzy would coagulate if he is outside the body. Although the tv show has been inconsistent on this, when Ozzy is outside the body, his membrane would congeal and harden leaving him as a microscopic statue.
Boomstick: Still, he has thwarted the germs’ evil plans and saved his host many times. Frank and Hector are lucky to have this wild card of a white blood cell. … I wonder if Frank died after Ozzy and Drix left him.
"Yo! You see this badge? You see this gun? You see this gooey, white saccus membranous 'round my personhood?... Well, you dealin' with a white blood cell here!" ~ Osmosis Jones ("Osmosis Jones" 2001)
U - 1146[]
~Spoiler Warning: This segment contains minor spoilers for both the manga and anime of “Cells at Work” ~
Theme Song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nzU_hXMBds
Wiz: Inside the human body, roughly 37.2 trillion cells work energetically.
Boomstick: Trillions of tiny people running around in my body doing their jobs. UNTIL A GERM MONSTER SHOWS UP!
Wiz: And when they do, it is up to the white blood cells to hunt them down and kill them. In the spotlight of this manga and anime is the white blood cell, U-1146. Courageous and diligent, U-1146 is hard at work at his job. As a neutrophil, he is the first responder to pathogens and foreign substances that can harm the body. The moment he detects one, he is sure to rush over to destroy it.
Boomstick: His primary weapon is a combat knife. Fun fact: the manga artist designed it after the Russian anti terror knife, aka Melita-k knife, a heavy combat blade designed for durability and high penetration power. With a single swipe, the white blood cell can cut open the germ’s body and spill its blood. WAIT A MINUTE! WE’RE LOOKING INSIDE OUR BLOOD. AND THOSE GERMS ARE GUSHING OUT BLOOD. ... I’m confused.
Wiz: Combined with his fast dash, he could even cut through large bacteria, like an acne bacteria. And his strength enables him to cut through most membranes. In fact, he is strong enough to push back five influenza-infected cells. He also forced open the mouth of a large Vibrio Parahaemolyticus bacteria after cutting up its insides.
Boomstick: Eww! So gruesome! I love Japan.
Wiz: He also carries throwing knives, which he can use with great accuracy. This is useful when an enemy is running far away from him, especially since he can only run as fast as a regular fit man.
Boomstick: His running speed might not be impressive, but his reaction speed is. When a super influenza zombie threw a white blood cell’s throwing knife back at high speed, U-1146 was quick enough and accurate enough to deflect it. In fact, his hand-eye coordination is so good that he could block a whole bunch of relentless attacks from a gold bacteria with just his knife.
Wiz: That’s a Staphylococcus Aureus.
Boomstick: Staff- le- Cock. Staff le Cock Us. Are you hinting at something, Wiz?
Wiz: Forget it. U-1146 has not blocked everything. When he was fighting a horde of bacteria on his own, some of them managed to land some blows on him, including this unidentified bacteria with appendages that look like a flail.
Boomstick: But this soldier is so badass that he would take it and then get back to fighting. When that flail pounded him, he just grabbed it and tossed that UFO bacteria onto the ground. But that is nothing compared to the other blows he took. He tanked a large fist of a huge bacteria. He was smashed through the stone-like cell walls by a giant Acne bacteria. He even survived being grabbed by a pair of gigantic stone hands manipulated by Cancer Cell.
Wiz: That’s not to say that he is all brawns and no brains. He could pick up on subtle signs that something is wrong. He noticed that something was up when a wave of bacteria aggressively attacked him. He figured out that a Pneumococcus bacteria was hide with Red Blood Cell when his receptor stopped signaling. He also would trick his enemy when he’s unable to attack them directly. When he could not slash though a Pneumococcus bacteria’s capsule, he got it to step into a mucus trap.
Boomstick: And while he mostly goes up and slash germs, he knows how to be sneaky. One time, he snuck up behind a speedy, evasive bacteria by swimming underwater staying hidden until the moment he grabbed one of its tentacles.
Wiz: However, neutrophils are not equipped to handle all threats. As mentioned before, there are some membranes that he could not cut, like the Pneumococcus's capsule. Additionally, he came close to dying when a merged Staphylococcus Aureus caught him in the body's own fibrin and wrecked havoc on him and his fellow Neutrophils. And he is unable to stop the threat if the pathogen proliferated too much.
Boomstick: Good thing the Immune system has several other types of cells designed to handle these threats.
Wiz: The White Blood Cell's other abilities include the Migrate ability that enables him to slip through the tight spaces between cell walls. He has L-Selectin to adhere to certain tissue, like those comprised of vascular endothelial cells.
Boomstick: His feats include jumping what is equivalently to us 60 feet over a scrape to cut that golden staff-le-cock bacteria, surviving a fall down a cliff while fatigued from heatstrok, and killed the morphing and powerful Cancer Cell. ... Wiz, is it wrong for me to feel sorry for Cancer-kun?
Wiz: Well, uhh... Just remember that even though White Blood Cell kills a lot, he is just doing his job in order to protect the body and keep us healthy.
Boomstick: You’ll always have a place in MY heart, cancer.
Wiz (whispering): Until you get heart cancer.
“Die, you germ!” ~ White Blood Cell
Pre Death Battle[]
Wiz: Before we begin the Death Battle, we wanted to establish a few rules to sort out the differences in the portrayal of the human body between “Ozzy and Drix” and “Cells at Work” since the environment also needs to be taken into consideration.
Boomstick: First of all, because we want to compare the portrayals of white blood cells, Ozzy and U-1146 will keep all of their original abilities and stats from their respective media. For example, Ozzy can still stretch like he could in his show, but U-1146 cannot stretch despite also being a Neutrophil.
Wiz: To best see what these characters can do, here are the established rules
- Since it does not really matter to Ozzy whether the ground is soft or hard, the body will be a hard and stone-like as portrayed in “Cells at Work”
- If Ozzy does something that would cause the tissues to bend, like strike a nerve cluster, then the tissues would be flexible as portrayed in “Ozzy and Drix.”
- But hard tissues, like bones and teeth, cannot bend and will always remain stone-like.
- We will allow Ozzy to use a car to travel throughout the body. But because cars were not in “Cells at Work,” U-1146 cannot drive a car. Still, he can certainly enter it to try to attack Ozzy inside the car.
- Since both media had buttons to activate body functions, there will be buttons for body functions and either one of them can press it.
- Since we want a one-on-one death battle, no one can call for assistance.
Wiz: Now that the rules are established, let’s get to the battle. Boomstick, swallow this pill for me.
Boomstick: What? What’s it for?
Wiz: It has a microscopic camera drone that will allow us to see what is happening inside your body.
Boomstick: Cool! Wait a minute. Why are we looking inside MY body?
Wiz: Because I slipped our combatants in your sandwich.
Boomstick: WHAT?! NOT COOL, WIZ! WHY, I OUGHT-
Wiz shoves the camera pill down Boomstick’s throat.
Wiz: Alright! The combatants, and rules, are set. Let’s end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: Gah! It’s … time for a Death Battle?
Death Battle[]
Inside Boomstick’s body, Osmosis Jones was walking around the stinky, grimy streets overrun with fat cells, and maybe a few cancer cells.
Ozzy: Where am I, now? Dropping into other cities never gets easier.
As he turned a corner, he spotted some bacteria in a dark, smoky alley. Even though he was not in Frank or Hector anymore, a host is a host, and a white blood cell must take out the germs. Pulling out his gun, Ozzy stood at the alley’s entrance.
Ozzy: Freeze! Raise your flagella where I can see them.
As usual, the germs did not comply and instead turned and ran further down the alley. Ozzy started chasing after them when he heard a voice call out from the other end.
???: Die, you germs!
In a flash, the mysterious white figure brutally slashed the bacteria, spilling out their cytoplasm, and ending their lives. Ozzy was not sure who this person was. He was not a cell-in-blue like Ozzy’s fellow officers, and he outright killed those germs with no second thought. Sure, germs are dangerous, but a real white blood cell would flush them down the bladder or rip them to shreds in the spleen. This blood-soaked person standing in front of Ozzy could not be a cop. He must be a cytoplasm-thirsty slasher.
Ozzy: You there! Drop your weapon! No sudden movements!
The red-stained person looked at the blue officer with his cold white eyes.
U-1146: I do not recognize your genetic makeup. You must be an invader. I must take you down.
~ Medical Note: If a cell’s antigen is too different from the host’s cell, the immune cells would attack it. That is why a transplanted organ could be rejected ~
A drop of red cytosol fell from the tip of his white knife as U-1146 raised it and got into his fighting stance while Ozzy aimed his gun.
Whoosh! U-1146 dashed to Ozzy and quickly got close to him for a slash. But Ozzy’s torso stretched backwards to avoid the blade.
Swoosh! Swoosh! Swoosh!
The white cell continually swings his knife at the blue opponent in all directions. But the shape-shifting Ozzy just kept dodging.
Ozzy: Ha! Can’t touch this.
U-1146: What are you? Could you be a flesh-eating amoeba? I’ll find out once I eat your corpse.
Ozzy: AHHH! YOU’RE A PSYCHO! Did I wind up in a horror flick?
As U-1146 continued swinging his knife and hitting nothing but air, Ozzy figured out this crazy knife-wielder’s rhythm. Then, as the knife passed by again, Ozzy spun his body and delivered a roundhouse kick onto U-1146’s face. The white cell stumbled and his face stung in pain. But he quickly regained his balance and continued trying to cut open the blue foe. It was an intense exchange as a white knife and blue fists went back and forth with only the white cell receiving blows.
Shing!
At last, U-1146’s persistence paid off as Ozzy failed to dodge one of his swings and the knife left a mark. Fortunately, only Ozzy’s jacket was slashed.
Ozzy: Ah, man! You know how much this costs me?
But jacket prices does not matter to the white neutrophil who unceasingly swung his blade. Ozzy was having trouble keeping up and dodging. That lethal edge was getting uncomfortably close to him. He swore that he felt the cold blade once or twice. Then, U-1146 took a swing at Ozzy’s head. The razor-sharp edge nearly touched the blue cell’s handsome face. Desperately, Ozzy bent backwards as fast as he could. His head just barely made it as the knife flew past his chin close enough to give his goatee is close shave.
Losing his balance, Ozzy stumbled and fell backwards rolling a couple times on the floor until he hit a wall. Then, Ozzy placed his hand on the wall to push himself back up when he heard a beep. Looking up, Ozzy saw that his hand was on a button labeled “Gas Release.”
Boomstick: Burrrrrp! Hey! Careful with those buttons!
If the burp button was here, that must mean they were in the stomach region. Getting creative, Ozzy decided to use one of his smooth Jones tricks. Spotting a car, Ozzy hopped in and turned the ignition key. Before U-1146 could do anything, the blue dude was zooming down a street and disappeared around a corner.
The white cell was figuring out how to catch up to this incredibly fast enemy when the sound of a motor emerged from another street and Ozzy drove right past him.
Ozzy: Hey! Yo momma is a fat cell that needs to be lipos*****.
The blue mocker sped past U-1146’s side and disappeared down the street around the corner only to come right back near U-1146 and repeated the same thing. Disappearing and reappearing, Osmosis Jones was like an annoying bug hovering near your head. Soon enough, though, U-1146 caught on to his movements and was able to grab the car and jump into the back seat.
Ozzy: Hey! No hitchhik’in.
Screech! Screech!
The car tires rub hard against the street as Ozzy turned the vehicle left and right in order to shake his enemy off. However, U-1146 buried his knife into the car seat and held on tightly. Then, pulling out his second knife, the white soldier inched closer to the blue driver. With his blade raised up, U-1146 tried to stab Ozzy.
However, Ozzy was expecting that. Stretching his body, he dodged the blade again, and jumped out of the car.
Ozzy: Enjoy the ride, sucker! See you next fall.
Looking ahead of him, U-1146 saw a ledge coming up. With a crash, the car rammed through a guardrail and was falling down towards the acidic lake that is the stomach. This looks like the end for the car and its white passenger.
Or is it? Quickly, U-1146 crawled to the top of the trunk. With his feet firmly planted on the car, he used all his leg strength and jumped. As the car splashed and fizzed into cellular particles, the white cell soared high in the air and landed safely on the ledge.
U-1146: Phew! That was close.
Ozzy: Oh! You got to be kidd’in me.
With the U-1146 alive and well, the fight was back on. But Ozzy had enough of this. No more teas’in. No more tricks. He’ll just end it quick and simple with his little friend. Pulling out his handgun, Ozzy looked down the barrel
Ozzy: Time for you to take your medicine.
Bang!
A red hot bullet shot out and flew in U-1146’s direction. It traveled closer and closer while the white cell simply stood still. That sucker made things easier by being a steady target. But who could blame ‘im. That white weirdo did not have the moves like Ozzy did.
Zip!
Unfortunately, instead of hitting U-1146, the bullet flew past him and buried into a wall.
Ozzy: Dang! Always pulls to the right.
Holding his knife in front of him, U-1146 ran towards Ozzy who decided to run away while still firing.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
Desperately, the blue officer tried to sink a bullet in U-1146 while keeping a large distance away from his chaser. But his shots kept missing.
He fired, and then he missed.
And then he fired, and then he fired, and he missed. He missed both times.
And then he fired. And then he missed.
He fired. He hit something. But it wasn’t what he was going for. So, I guessed he missed.
In fact, he hit a button labeled “Vomit.”
Boomstick: Baaaaaaarf!
Boomstick spewed his stomach contents all over Wiz.
Wiz: Ugggh! Gross!
Boomstick: Ohhhh! I hope they don’t hit the pee button.
This went on for several hours.
And then Ozzy fired. And then he missed.
And then he was out of bullets. And then he got sad.
Then he reloaded. Then he fired. And then he missed.
Before they knew it, they were in the intestinal region. How would you tell? There was the stinky odor of poop and a button labeled “Diarrhea.”
Boomstick: Ohhh! I might need to change my pants soon.
Bang!
Another bullet flew out of the gun’s canister. But unlike the other shots, this one was actually on a trajectory straight towards the white cell. Ozzy might actually hit his target after all. The bullet flew closer and closer to U-1146. It was just about to land between the eyes.
Clang!
U-1146 deflected the bullet with his knife. Now, the projectile was headed away. In fact, it flew off in the direction of the Diarrhea button.
Boomstick: Oh, boy!
Zipping through the air, the bullet approached the button with nothing to stop it. It drew closer and closer. It was about to press it.
Clang!
The bullet narrowly missed the Diarrhea button.
Boomstick: Phew!
Instead, it ricocheted and struck a power box of the nervous system. Sparks flew everywhere as the bullet crashed into a bundle of wires.
Boomstick: Ow! Cramp!
The ceiling of the region descended as Boomstick pressed on his cramping area. It was quickly closing down on Ozzy and U-1146. Desperately trying to escape the closing space, the two immune cells ran as fast as they could. But the ceiling was descending too fast. They were not going to make it.
Thinking fast, Ozzy grabbed a lamppost, stretched himself as hard as he could, and slingshot himself. Success! Right when the ceiling pressed down against the street, Ozzy made it out leaving his opponent trapped in the cramp. That rubber-like tissue would not be enough to kill U-1146, but it gave Ozzy the perfect opportunity to escape and come up with a plan.
Driving up an artery, Ozzy saw a sign that said “Nasal Cavity. Exit right.”
Ozzy: Hmm! That gives me an idea.
In the nose, Ozzy was whistling patiently. About a yard away was a Sneeze button. At first glance, an enemy would think that Ozzy would need to take some time to run up to press that button. But what Ozzy was hiding was that he could just stretch his arm to hit the button in a blink of an eye. With the trap set, Ozzy just needed to pretend to be defenseless to lure his unsuspecting enemy to him. Too bad that white cell’s only weapon was a small knife forcing him to get close to the Jonester to hit him. This makes this battle almost too eas-
Stab!
A sharp pain flooded from Ozzy’s back. Ozzy turn to see a knife lodged in him where his cytosol was leaking out. What happened? How did it get there? Then, Ozzy saw the white cell emerge from a shadow a stone-throw away. He throws his knives, too?
Quickly, Ozzy stretched out to press the Sneeze button.
Boomstick: Ahh! Ahhhhh! Achooo!
A strong rushing wind blasted through the nasal cavity. Ozzy grabbed the floor in a valiant effort to hang on. Fighting the wind was hard enough, but Ozzy was weakened by the wound in his back. Looking up at his enemy, Ozzy could see U-1146 still in the nose. It looked like that white son-of-a-***** was busy fighting the wind as well. He was using his knife to grip the floor. Though something is odd. It also looked like he was sticking to the floor somehow. Ozzy would need to do something. The sneeze would end soon. This was his best opportunity to get rid of that white ***********.
Ozzy stretched his arm to grab U-1146’s leg. With a strong pull, Ozzy tried to shake U-1146 off the nasal cavity but that white cell was sticking tight to the floor.
Shing!
Ozzy watched in horror as his hand was sliced off. U-1146 finally got him. Ozzy felt faint from the combination of the pain in his body and the loss of cytosol. Then, his strength left him and he released his grip on the nasal cavity. Picked up by the sneeze, Ozzy only had enough energy to scream as he flew out of Boomstick’s nose and to his doom.
KO!
Soon, the wind died down, and U-1146 got up off the ground. Looking out where his enemy fell, the white solder stood still in respect of the fallen cell.
U-1146: You were a worthy opponent. Please do not hold this against me. I was just doing my duty as a white blood cell.
???: Yeah! And we got to do our duty as well.
U-1146 turned back around to see a bunch of white blood cells that looked like globby, bleached versions of Boomstick. Raising their shotgun leg, the Boomstick white blood cells fired turning U-1146 into swiss cheese.
Results[]
Boomstick: Wow! So brutal! So epic! I’m such a badass.
Wiz: Ozzy was definitely the most elusive opponent U-1146 has ever faced. The combination of Ozzy’s stretch ability and the car gave the blue cop lots of evasive power.
Boomstick: But you can’t win a death battle by just dodging or escaping. You have to kill the opponent to win.
Wiz: And that was Ozzy’s problem. He did not have much ways to kill U-1146. In “Cells at Work,” the white neutrophil took blows from germs far stronger than Ozzy. He even survived being smashed through a wall by a humongous acne bacteria that’s about 100 times his size.
Boomstick: Ozzy might have had a chance by using his gun. However, Ozzy’s accuracy was poor as seen in the “Osmosis Jones” movie.
Wiz: Not only that, but U-1146 is good at blocking even speedy projectiles with his knives. So, the few bullets that would come at him would just get deflected.
Boomstick: Besides, in the cartoon, Ozzy’s usual method of taking down his opponents was to trick them, use stuff in the body to knock out the enemy, or drop them to their doom.
Wiz: While there was a possibility Ozzy could have won through trickery, that would not be easy. U-1146 is perceptive. Also, he is agile and could jump long distances to escape. And dropping him out of the body might not work because he can use both his knives and L-Selectin to grip the body tissue.
Boomstick: But how could U-1146 win if he could not hit Ozzy?
Wiz: Though difficult, U-1146 actually has a chance of striking Ozzy. Though he is stretchy, Ozzy did not dodge all attacks. He got punched, kicked, squashed, and even grabbed several times. So, there was a significant chance for Ozzy to get sliced if he stayed too close to the white neutrophil. And that chance is even greater if U-1146 sneaks up on Ozzy like when U-1146 caught an elusive bacteria in the “Heatstroke” episode.
Boomstick: In fact, U-1146 has experience fighting a cell that could morph, stretch, and attack from afar: Cancer cell. When you think about it, Cancer cell is stronger than Ozzy, and Cancer’s ability to produce many wavy, grabby arms poses more of a challenge.
Wiz: Ozzy was a good white blood cell, but U-1146’s durability, skills, and tools was too much for him.
- The winner is-
Boomstick: Me! Go White Boom Cells!
Wiz: Actually, it’s U-1146.
