What we do in the shadows vs hocus pocus. For this halloween we shall see the battle of two trios of supernatural hilarities battle it out to see what happens when vampires and witches do battle in the most idiotic ways possible.
intro[]
(we open up to our hosts dressed as dreadpool and sheldon as flash)
deadpool: (Dracula accent done terribly) good evening everyone, I hope you are ready for our hallowe’en battle, it will surely spook you to your graavvveeessss.
sheldon: I mean they’re more comedic than anything and are really bad with modern time stuff so not really.
deadpool: (now normally) just suck the fun out of it why don’t ya, ahem anyway nador, lazlo and nadja, the vampire stars of the documentary what we do in the shadows.
sheldon: Winifred, Mary and Sarah Sanderson, the most powerful coven of hocus pocus. I’m sheldon, he’s deadpool, and we’ll analyse their stats, skills and advantages to figure out who would win…
deadpool: a dead battle, oooohhhh woooooohhhh.
sheldon: please stop.
nandor, lazlo and nadja suck some blood in death battle[]
sheldon: not that long ago, a documentary crew was told that they would be protected as they film a group of vampires to give us insight on their lives.
deadpool: now considering their meant to stay secret this group kinda fucked up, but that likely wasn’t going through the heads of these three, but who exactly were they.
sheldon: starting us off we have the oldest of the three nandor the relentless, born during 1262 in the country of al qolnidar (did i say that right) which would eventually become southern Iran, nandor was an excellent warrior of the Ottoman Empire and pillaged many villages before becoming the nations supreme viceroy.
Deadpool: nandor would eventually be bitten and transformed into a vampire, which because of the change in attitude caused his 37 spouses of both men and woman to leave him, and he would eventually also end up kicked out of his country by peasants as his home soon became destroyed afterwards.
Sheldon: he would later go on to raze an entire village by himself, one which just so happened to be home to soon to be roommate nadja, and afterwards nadja would eventually meet an elder vampire who would turn her.
deadpool: and then finally she would meet the love of her life in a human she found and turned, one who was named lazlo cravensworth, and this would later lead to all three getting a house up in Staten Island.
Sheldon: along with roommates energy vampire Colin Robinson and nandor’s familiar (who happened to be a descendant of van Hellsing) Guillermo de la Cruz, they essentially went through a bunch of different adventures and got up to a bunch of different hijinks, from attempting to take over office, getting wasted and captured by animal control, joining a cult, being accused of murder and becoming wanted, we’d be here all day if we wanted to cover everything they’ve ever done, but point is, it’s been a lot.
Deadpool: and with that being the case, they’d obviously be well equipped for a fight, most definitely in the case of nandor, who as we already covered had spent over 100 years pillaging and raising villages, heck he can even match Guillermo in combat, who single-handedly soloed an entire auditorium of vampires with relative ease.
Sheldon: for reference, casual vampires from the show can effortlessly one shot humans and fracture bones, and in the movie, can knock over a massive slab of stone like its nothing.
Deadpool: heck even keeping track of them alone is likely incredibly difficult, other vampires have casually outran arrows after firing them, and crossed rooms at speeds where they mimic teleportation, oh and this isn’t just moving faster than the eye can track, but a camera as well.
Sheldon: what I’m more impressed by is the acceleration, before and after moving they’ve been standing completely still, not even in a position that implies that they’re about to start moving.
Deadpool: but lets be honest here, it isn’t just their stats that make vampires something you don’t want to mess with, it’s their vast array of abilities.
Sheldon: most prominently, their healing factors, they can undo cuts instantly and heal broken bones, but most impressively is this guy the baron afanas, who survived being reduced to nothing but one arm, a body and a head, and all of this stuff was burnt to the point where he is charcoaled.
Deadpool: while he did need blood to wake up and he had to be restored by nandor, this still shows that vampires can survive without any blood in their body and without their limbs, meaning you’d be hard pressed to actually kill one.
Sheldon: of course, they also have other abilities as well, they can fly into the air, drain blood with their fangs, transform into bats and even hypnotise with a glance… usually, lazlo has some trouble doing so.
Deadpool: heck, they’ve even survived an entire afternoon of an amped Colin Robinson talking to them, for reference before that, Colin could drain an entire office floor to death before with a few sentences.
Sheldon: and when it comes to equipment, well they have no problem tossing the environment into you, nor you into the environment, but nandor does happen to possess armour and a sword from his time as a conqueror, but far more unique is lazlo’s hat.
Deadpool: basically you know Murphy’s law, where anything that can go wrong will go wrong, yeah the hat basically thrusts that law onto you full force, it is cursed… maybe not good since lazlo keeps it on hand, but they could toss it at the opponent.
Sheldon: while they have many many moments of idiocy, from easily being tricked to just pure lack of knowledge on modern times a (though they’ve improved in that area quite a bit) they do have their moments of being actually intelligent, from knowing quite a bit on other supernatural beings to working their way up into the high positions within the vampire society.
Deadpool: of course, with this great vampire physiology, they also happen to have all the weaknesses, from sunlight, stakes through the heart and holy weapons.
Sheldon: but these vamps will always get their way, even if they end up fumbling all over the place and occasionally failing… heh.
*guillermo finishes killing the vampires group and looks towards the three*
guillermo: my name… is guillermo de la Cruz
nandor:… I don’t give a fuck what your name is, we had to pick up our own laundry.
the Sanderson sisters put a spell on death battle[]
Sheldon: Salem, Massachusetts, we briefly touched on this town before when we used the two witches names after it, but neither of them actually originated from there, this time the people we’re talking about did.
Sans: yeah, sadly humans gotta human, and there were a bunch of women burned, hanged or drowned there, but not all of them were actually innocent, multiple of the towns children had ended up going missing, drained of their life force, these were the actions of the Sanderson sisters.
Deadpool: but what led to them becoming as horrible as they did, you ask.
Sans: like I said before, humans gotta human.
fight[]
analysis[]
next time[]
legacies, these can be extremely important to hold up, even if its for someone who only just made their debut in the fourth part of a franchise, but even then, these cocky, thrill seeking, heroic hybrids will do anything they can to protect the world from the apocalypse and defeat the supernatural, and look good while doing it.
connections[]
the connections between the two trios would be that both are groups of supernatural creatures (vampires and witches) who are extremely comical mostly due to their absolute lack of knowledge of the modern times, despite that they are still trying to accomplish their quite evil missions (the vampires are trying to take control of Staten Island and the witches are trying to steal the life of all the children in salem) but are doing very crap jobs of it, both also have similar members.
nadja and Winifred= both are in charge of the trio and are easily the most serious of the three, often also being the ones to come up with there plans that always backfire.
nandor and Mary= most gullible and almost the nicest acting of the three.
lazlo and Sarah= have attempted to hook up with a lot more people than the others and easily the dumbest of the three.
and have also employed people to work for them and enjoy cursing various mortals, not to mention cannot step on sacred ground and die in sunlight.