Mr. Hippo vs King Hippo is a comedic What-If? Death Battle by Vrokorta. It pits Mr. Hippo from Five Nights at Freddy's, that's me, against King Hippo from Punch-Out!!. I'm really looking forward to a good ol' fashioned fight on April Fools day. Speaking of April Fools, y'know one time me & Orville were having a nice picnic at the park, really wonderful picnic. We, we had sandwiches, iced tea, & a pie ooh it was a nice pie, or at least that's what I would've said if some hooligans didn't show up with water balloons. Me & Orville were soaked, & the pie was ruined. Now Orville, he did NOT take kindly to that prank, y'know th-they ruined the picnic after all. So, Orville pulled out his magic wand, & prepared to teach those kids a lesson they'd never forget & believe me, they WOULDN'T forget it, I would know. So, so anyways, I told Orville & this is what I said, "Orville, they're just kids having some fun, you really ought'a cut'em some slack". Now this was not the first time Orville'd been pranked, & I could tell just by looking at him that he was clearly fed up with this. I dunno how he calmed down, maybe it was the look in my eyes, the, the honesty, in my voice, but he sat back down, put his wand away. And then, then he told me "I'm sorry Mr. Hippo, I guess I, just really wanted to use my magic on something". So then I told him, "Orville, that's not magic, it's witchcraft".
Description[]
A fight between two bad guys named after hippos. You've got a hippo sized boxer fighting, well me, a hippo looking robot. I'd never be able to tell you who would win, but what I can tell ya is that I hope I win. After all I know what it's like to face horrible failure, I can't tell you how many times I've horribly mangled night guards who're just trying to do their jobs. Some people think it'll be easy to just, succeed at something, next thing they know, they're dead. But I guess it's not too bad, I mean, if you're dead you won't live to see yourself fail, and, and that's not so bad, well apart from y'know being dead. It really makes you wonder what it'd be like if you couldn't die. You'd see all your failures, no sweet release of death to save you there. On the other hand, what exactly keeps you from dying, I always wondered. It, it just doesn't make sense you know? It just doesn't make sense.
Interlude[]
Hello there, it's me, Mr. Hippo, & I'm going to be hosting this very special Death Battle. Today, we're pitting the massive man King Hippo against, well me. Gotta be honest though, I'm highly questioning my chances here. I've never really *chuckles* fought before, this, this is all new to me. I was hoping to get Orville to help me out, y'know moral support, but he hasn't finished my banners yet, so I'll be going it alone sadly enough. But I mean, am I in the wrong for being sad? Orville's doing something nice for me, & here I am upset that he's not doing something else. Really, I should appreciate what he IS doing, rather than focus on what I want him to do, y'know? You gotta, you gotta respect your friends, treat them like they matter. They're not tools, they're, they're people too, &, you gotta give'm the freedom to do things their way. So, so, where was I? How did I get here?
*Pulls out a script*
Wow I'm way off, uhh... oh here we go. It's time to analyze their weapons, armor & skills to find out who would win, a Death Battle. Alright now my blood's boiling, let's get this show on the road.
Mr. Hippo[]
So I, I guess we're gonna talk about me first. Well you see, I'm an odd case. Canonically, I'm just your average animatronic working in a pizzeria. Noncanonically, I'm just as much a killer as the next guy, by that I mean I kill a lot cause "the next guy" is also a killer animatronic. Granted, I'm not the most threatening animatronic, I'm so easy to avoid people have had to lose to me on purpose, no kidding. Doesn't mean I can't do terrible things to you when I do get to you. Speaking of getting to you, I like to crawl through vents & get the drop on my foe, y'know catch'em by surprise. Granted I, I don't think I could do that here because prep time is non-standard in Death Battle, & let's be honest, I'd need an actual vent to be present before I can start crawling through it. Anyways, you might be wondering, what am I actually going to do when I DO get to you & well, the answer is simple, I'll kill you. But I won't just kill you, oh no, that'd be too simple. When I get to you, I'm gonna tear you apart, or crush your skull, which I've heard can require as much as 100,000 Joules to pull off, no small feat I'll tell you that much. My speed though, I'm so fast that a guy who KNOWS I'm coming gets caught COMPLETELY off guard by my arrival. Maybe, maybe he was just scared, y'know? Paralyzed with shock. Either way, I'd say I'm much faster than a normal human. But that's not all, y'see, since I'm a robot, I don't require sustenance like you fleshy humans. I can survive without important parts of my body, don't need to eat or sleep, I could just go on forever as long as most of my body's intact. However, I do not take well to heat or sound. I'm easily distracted by certain noises, & I just, CAN'T stand the heat, gotta get away from it as soon as possible. In the end though, I think I'll be fine, I think I'll be just fine.
King Hippo[]
Ooh, WOW! Listen to this beat! The guys over at Punch-Out!!, they must be liv'in the DREAM! You got ME want'in to fight, & I've never fought before in my life! So anyways, King Hippo is a mysterious fellow. Canonically, he's just a pizzeria animatronic. Noncanonically he's a... ohoho I'm sorry, I mixed up our analyses, my bad, I take that fault. Anyways, King Hippo lives on Hippo Island, where he EATS THE DAY AWAY. Literally, well not literally like that I mean he eats all day then sleeps all night. Seems odd though that a boxer would spend so much time relaxing. It'd make more sense if he were training & preparing for future fights like the other boxers. Granted, he is the heaviest boxer in the series, so much so that his weight apparently can't be measured, which is ludicrous if you ask me. That aside though, that level of girth does have its advantages. King Hippo has the most stamina of any boxer in the series, & he hits like, well like a hippo, thanks to his, absurd weight. King Hippo may seem like a big, fat, lazy lug, but he's still a boxer. He doesn't just blindly punch things, oh no, he blocks your attacks, & throws solid hits when he sees an opportunity. He also gets really mad if he loses his crown, so much so that he recovers lost HP, which is kind of funny considering Vrokorta just researched someone who did the same thing. Anyways, like any boxer, King Hippo wears boxing gloves. They protect his hands so he can hit harder without hurting himself, which is news to me cause I never really considered what boxing gloves were for, but now I know, & that's pretty cool. On top of boxing gloves he also has a MANHOLE COVER. Can you believe that? And he tapes it to his gut. It's the silliest thing I've ever seen. But silly is no way to view King Hippo, not at all. Boxers like him can fight bears, break punching bags, survive bull charges, & even launch bulls into the air, all of which takes roughly 100,000 Joules of energy... where have I heard that before? Anyways, the boxers of Punch-Out!! are no joke, lemme tell ya. I've also heard that real life boxers can punch at speeds of 15m/s. For comparison, the fastest human runner can achieve a top speed of 12.43m/s, meaning boxers punch faster than the fastest man can run. Granted, King Hippo is a large, heavy, lazy boxer, so I doubt he can punch THAT fast. On the other hand, the boxers in Punch-Out!! are clearly superhuman, I mean one guy outsped a bullet train! Who does he think he is, Sonic the Hedgehog?! Okay okay I think I've gone on long enough, let's get to the fight... why aren't the doors closing? Oh right weaknesses, forgot. So uh, King Hippo, he's, he doesn't like being punched in the mouth, it makes him drop his pants. He gets so embarrassed that he distracts himself in pulling up his pants, which leaves his vulnerable belly open to attack. It's no wonder he's got a bandaged belly button, & wears a manhole. Maybe I should start wearing a fire suit, y'know for the heat. Overall, I'd say you don't wanna be under King Hippo, him sitting is probably more dangerous than any punch.
Intermission[]
All right, the time has finally come. It's time for a Death Battlllllllllllllllllllllllllllllle!!! Yeah! Let's go!
Death Battle[]
A large crowd sat around the ring as both combatants walked in. King Hippo waved to his cheering fans, shaking the room with every step he took. Mr. Hippo walked unevenly, being interrupted by King Hippo's booming steps. Heedless, several animatronics sat cheering him on, including Orville, who waved a custom banner fashioned after Mr. Hippo.
Mr. Hippo: Th-thank you friends. You're too kind.
They both eventually made it onto the ring. King Hippo stared intimidatingly at his opponent. Right as the bell was rung, Mr. Hippo grabbed the ref's mic. He tapped it a few times.
Mr. Hippo: Is this thing on? Okay okay I, I just wanted to say it's, an honor, to be here right now eh. To stand among those who compete in combat for the glory of, of victory, it makes me feel like more than I am &, it's just a great feeling, y'know? And, I couldn't have done it without the help of my friend Orville, you see him in the crowd out there? The one with the banner? You can't miss him. Anyways, I'd been feeling a bit down the past few days I, I suppose I just needed a change of pace from all the killing I do at home. So my friend Orville, he went out of his way to find some activities for me & then told me, "You should try boxing". At first I thought he was crazy, I mean, why would a hippo robot with no combat experience go into hand-to-hand combat against trained fighters? But the more I thought about it, the more I realized, this could be just what I need. I mean, just thinking about boxing alone was getting me out of my funk, so maybe this boxing thing was just meant to be. So I told my buddy Orville, & here's what I said, "I am ready to try boxing". Now in hindsight, I think I jumped into things a little too quickly. I signed up immediately for the soonest available match & well, it was today. I had no time to train, & I couldn't ask Orville for help cause he was making my banner, which reminds me of a story I told about friendship, great story if I do say so myself, I'll tell you all about after the match. Anyways, I was a bit worried going into this match, having no proper training and all, but you know what, I FELT ready. My blood was boiling, my heart was pumping, my eyeballs could barely rest. Not only that, but when I found out my opponent's name was Hippo, I knew this match was fate's way of telling me, "You made the right decision". And so here I am, my friends cheering me on, the crowd going wild, my enemy ready & willing to fight-.
It was then that Mr. Hippo realized everyone had fallen asleep, except for Orville.
Mr. Hippo: Well isn't that just rude.
Mr. Hippo walked up to King Hippo.
Mr. Hippo: Hey buddy, we gonna fight or what?
The hippo robot tapped the boxer on the shoulder, jolting him awake.
King Hippo: Grah!
The boxer swung his arms up, but Mr. Hippo slid out of the way.
Mr. Hippo: Woah, that was close. In fact, it reminds me of a story.
King Hippo yelled into the air, waking up the crowd, right before throwing a handful of punches at Mr. Hippo.
FIGHT!
Mr. Hippo dodged side to side as he started to tell his story.
Mr. Hippo: It was a warm summer's day, me & Orville were taking a walk in the forest.
King Hippo landed a forward lunging punch, knocking Mr. Hippo into the ropes of the ring, which sent him flying back into King Hippo, knocking him back as well. The king readjusted his crown & ran right for Mr. Hippo. He threw several punches, causing metal clangs to ring out through the room from Mr. Hippo's body. The hippo robot managed to reach out & grab King Hippo's fist before it hit him again.
Mr. Hippo: It was really quite a peaceful day. Me & Orville, we talked about the weather & nature without a care in the world.
King Hippo flung the robot overhead & slammed him into the ground before repeating the process several times.
Mr. Hippo: You'll never *clang* guess what *clang* happened *clang* next!
Mr. Hippo managed to regain his footing, & punched King Hippo in the mouth, causing him to recoil & drop his pants. As the king went to recompose himself, Mr. Hippo threw a series of punches at his gut.
Mr. Hippo: A grizzly bear came out of nowhere & started chasing us! Must've wanted some of our thicc, succulent flesh! As I'm sure you could imagine, me & Orville made a run for it, this was no Freddy Fazbear after all. As I ran, all I could think was, "What's a grizzly bear do'in out in the woods in the middle of the day?" not at all realizing that this was natural behavior for a bear like him.
Mr. Hippo finished by delivering a Shoryuken to King Hippo's chin, sending him flying back as his crown fell outside the ring.
King Hippo: Wah? Grah!!!
King Hippo roared as his eyes glowed white, & he started throwing punches so fast that he appeared to have six arms, every blow fueled with his utter wrath. Mr. Hippo countered with his own series of punches, contending with the hippo man just fine, both hitting so fast that it looked like button-mashing.
Mr. Hippo: Now me & Orville ran as fast as our fat legs could carry us, but those bears, they clock in at about 35 miles per hour, there was no way we were gonna outrun it.
Eventually, King Hippo landed an uppercut that sent the robot flying into the rafters. King Hippo looked to see where he'd come back at, but it was too dark to tell. He looked, & looked, & kept looking, but it did nothing to save him from-
Mr. Hippo: GAAAAH!!!
The robot dropped from the ceiling & landed on King Hippo's back, which really freaked him out. The paralysis of fear gave Mr. Hippo the perfect opportunity to swing his mouth open & chomp down on the king's chrome dome.
King Hippo: RAAAAAAAAHHG!!!
The boxer's eyes widened as he screamed in pain, but managed to grab the robot off his back.
Mr. Hippo: I don't get it, that should've worked, or at least that's what the bear would've said if he wasn't dead.
King Hippo tried to throw the robot away, but Mr. Hippo remained latched onto the boxer's arm.
Mr. Hippo: Sorry sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself. Lemme dial back. So me & Orville, we were walking through the forest on a nice summer's day, no no wait I already said that, how embarrassing, where was I? Oh, the bear! The bear almost got us, but then, out of nowhere, the real Freddy Fazbear jumped out, & bit off the Grizzly's head!
King Hippo stopped swinging, & started punching Mr. Hippo.
Mr. Hippo: Yes, it was gross, & we both highly questioned why Freddy was here in the first place, but who cared? We were saved! Then Freddy asked us, & here's what he said, "Why didn't either of you just kill the bear?" to which I responded, "Are you kidding? I don't even brush my teeth, no way I'm staining it with blood".
As Mr. Hippo finished his story, he opened his mouth & chomped down on King Hippo's arm, sending a spray of blood into King Hippo's face. The boxer had had enough, he reeled back his fist, & punched Mr. Hippo into the air. As he came back down, he wound up another punch, hitting Mr. Hippo so hard that his head was sent flying into the crowd. Orville dropped the banner & reached out to grab Mr. Hippo's head before it hit the ground. The referee nervously peaked over the ring, & saw King Hippo standing alone, his head & armed bloodied from the fight. He stepped onto the ring, & raised his arm in victory, his good arm that is.
Referee: Another victory by KNOCKOUT!
The crowd cheered as Orville held Mr. Hippo's head, feeling a little ashamed.
Orville: I'm sorry friend, maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all.
Mr. Hippo: Are you kidding? I had a fantastic time, & would very much like to do this again someday. Now, can you get my body back?
Results[]
*King Hippo fits his head back on*
So yeah, I lost, but not for no reason. Sure, we both had similar levels of power, but that was one of the reasons I lost. King Hippo fights people like me on a day-to-day basis. I may be able to kill a normal human & crush a skull, but King Hippo fights guys that can fight bears & bulls, & lives to tell the tale. The tactics I use to rip people apart would only serve to whittle down King Hippo's HP. Now I'm a pretty fast guy, easily faster than normal people, but King Hippo, heedless of his absurd girth, still managed to outdo me. Again, referring to other boxers, Piston Hondo was fast enough to outspeed a bullet train, which runs at 55m/s. That's crazy fast, but I'm sure you're thinking, "Mr. Hippo, King Hippo is just a a fat lug, no way he scales to Piston Hondo", & yeah, that's a fair point, so lemme explain why this is reasonable. Little Mac was able to keep up with Piston Hondo, dodging, blocking, & hitting him just fine. All the other boxers can keep up with Mac just fine. Heck, even Glass Joe, one of the weakest boxers of all time, is fast enough to block Mac. Even if we were to say that King Hippo is slower than Piston Hondo, it wouldn't be by much. Besides, real life boxers are capable of punching at 15m/s, so even if we ignore the bullet train, we've still got superhuman speeds on our hands. Now that we're done talking about why King Hippo's girth doesn't slow him down, let's talk about why it also helps him win. Now I have no confirmed weight, but based on the weight of other animatronics like me, we estimate that I weigh about 300lbs or so, which is actually severely underweight for a hippo, I should try to gain some more weight. Anyways, King Hippo's so heavy that his weight is unknown, comparing that to Bear Hugger, who has a confirmed weight of 440lbs, tells us that King Hippo weighs quite a bit more than I do, well over 100lbs more. But lets get the real reasoning out of the way. While we were both comparable in strength, King Hippo's skill & experience as a boxer EASILY trumped my average killing spree. The mere fact that he could block hits spelled trouble for me, cause I'm simply not prepared for that. Overall, there's only one thing I can say, King Hippo was too thicc for me to beat.
The winner is King Hippo. Hope to see ya'll again sometime.
Adv/Dis[]
Mr. Hippo[]
+Intelligence
=Strength & Durability
-Speed
-Lifting strength
-Experience
-Skill
-Didn't know King Hippo's weakness
King Hippo[]
+Speed
+Lifting strength
+Experience
+Skill
=Strength & Durability
-Intelligence
Trivia[]
- Vrokorta originally planned to have the fight end after Mr. Hippo's first story, with King Hippo flinging his head off upon waking up. I decided it wouldn't be funny enough, & so tried to subvert expectations with a real, slightly exaggerated fight.
- The scene where King Hippo gets mad is meant to reference Asura's Wrath.