| Movie Mario VS CD-i Link
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|---|---|
| Season 1, Episode 2 | |
Vital statistics
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| Air date | July 5, 2018 |
| Written by | Wither |
| Directed by | Wither |
Episode guide
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| Previous | Next |
| Wart VS K. Rool | Bill Rizer VS Marco Rossi |
Movie Mario VS CD-i Link is the fourth battle of Wither's first post-reboot season.
Description[]
Description originally written by Diegoampage / Dio the Ludicolo
Super Mario Bros. VS The Legend of Zelda! It's a classic matchup, but with a twist! Which terrible spin-off is stronger? Will Mario teach Link a lesson about trusting the fungus? Or will Link bomb Mario just like he does the Dodongos?
Interlude[]
[MUSIC] Jim Johnston — Invader
Wiz: Video games.
Boomstick: The number one subject of minor's discussion these days. Peeps of this generation hardly talk 'bout much else, for gaming is now one of kids' and teens' prime fields of interest. Fun fact, did you know that the gaming industry is more succesful than the movie industry and at least five times larger than the music industry? We're not talking shit, look it up if you don't believe us. Which I doubt you wouldn't.
Wiz: Just like how several sci-fi series like Star Wars, Star Trek, Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter as well as over-the-top explosion-packed action movies dominate the film reality, the gaming reality is primarily led by shooting games, MMOs, early access survival games and platformers. Speaking of those last two, we have a lesson to teach people about that.
Boomstick: Don't trust random peeps with varying skill to make spinoffs of your platformer games. I mean, really, just don't. Some horrible results came from it. Like the infamous Super Mario Bros. movie from 1993 and the CD-i games from 1994. GG Nintendo, you clearly didn't learn from your mistakes. Just one year after Mario's biggest flop, you repeat shit all over again with not just Mario again, but Zelda as well. Gee fucking gee.
Wiz: Today, it is time to see what horrible Nintendo flagship series spin-off is stronger. We'll have two of their main characters battle each other in a duel to the death.
Boomstick: Mario Mario, from the Super Mario Bros. photoplay...
Wiz: ...and Link of the CD-i Zelda trilogy.
Boomstick: He's Wiz and I'm Boostick.
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armour and skill to find who would win... a DEATH BATTLE.
Movie Mario[]
[MUSIC] Alan Silvestri — Drive to work on instinct
Wiz: Once upon a while, thousands of years ago in a magical world far, far away, the United States of Gaming Companies started the Gamian Civil War over popularity and market share. This eventually led to the Second Console War, a decade and a half after Console War I caused the tragic video game crash of 1983. The Confederacy of Nintendo, the confederacy that saved the video game world from said crash and one of the biggest nations in Console War II, decided that there should be a motion picture about their flagship series, Super Mario™.
Boomstick: An awesome idea at first... until they somehow thought it'd be good idea to make the movie live-action, make Yoshi a Jurassic Park Velociraptor and Bowser a T-Rex shapeshifted like a human, have Princess Daisy be a paleontologist, make the movie center about a parallel dimension with dinosaurs shapeshifted like humans created after the extinction of the Cretaceous and give Mario and Luigi weapons like a De-Evolution Laser Gun, a Rocket Launcher and a Flame Gun. Yes, you're reading this right: Movie Mario has a fucking flamethrower.
Wiz: ...Yeah. If you don't understand why only 16% of critics liked the movie, then you're probably from Saturn. Then again, it was popular enough to gain a nonetheless pretty big fanbase who even developed a sequel webcomic that was acknowledged by the crew and subsequently made canon. Yep, once again, this is not a joke.
Boomstick: And in said comic, Mario is stronk enough to send people flying or even break their necks all in one blow. He's also stronger than Luigi who can do the same.
Wiz: Jesus. Anyhow, Mario and Luigi collected a lot of tools and weaponry in their quest to prevent President Koopa from fusing the Dinosaur Dimension with our universe, and save their girls in the process. Mario also has a wrench, which we know is primarily a plumbing tool, but can still be used as a very hard hitting melee weapon.
Boomstick: Mario's main method of transport is his van. It allows for quick transport and can theoretically also be used to chase after enemies and hit them.
Wiz: When the brothers got to Dinohattan, they met Big Bertha in a pub, who gave them the Thwomp Stompers, Thwomp Boots or however you wanna call them. These boots allow the wearer to leap dozens of meters into the air and it can somehow even be used as a rocket launcher; you can shoot explosive Bullet Bills with it.
Boomstick: This guy also has a Bob-omb, a remote bomb you can wind up, after which it'll venture off, walking some distance until it blows up with a blast powerful enough to send people flying. Mario also found a Fryguy Flame Gun which can shoot fireballs and be used as a flamethrower. Jesus, what were those dudes thinking when they made that movie?
Wiz: No idea. But they sure as hell made him OP. Mario's most powerful tool is the Devolution Gun, some highly futuristic weapon that shoots out beams of energy that can change the enemy's evolutionary state. Mario's rival was affected by a copy from Koopa and turned into an ape, and eventually Mario and Luigi used some to undo Koopa's human form and eventually transmutate him to lifeless goop.
Boomstick: Mario's got some serious feats here. He prevented two universes from being fused, turned the mutated King of Dinohattan back to normal, ended Koopa's tyrannical rule over the dinosaur world, survived getting his skull bashed in by Iggy and Spike, outsmarted President Koopa who was the dictator of the entire dinosaur world, improvised strategies with Luigi several times and raised Luigi like he was his actual father. Not to mention he somehow managed to hide from Goombas in an elevator despite literally being in plain sight. Either those Goombas are overly retarded or Mario's got some serious hiding skills. And there's those aforementioned strength feats.
Wiz: But he's not perfect. He's just a normal human without armour and lacks superhuman physical characteristics. And unfortunately, the Universe-Merging Rock isn't part of his standard arsenal for he only ever used it in one situation and discarded it immediately after, meaning we can't give it to him.
Boomstick: But still, this guy is far thougher than he looks. You might not be able to trust the fungus, but you can definitely count on Mario!
Movie Mario: Come and get it, lizard breath!
CD-i Link[]
Wiz: Once upon a while, there was a world known of Hyrule-
Boomstick: -led by a dicklord king with a hamburger cannon.
Wiz: ...In the YouTube Poop Community, that is. Anyways, in the ACTUAL story, Hyrule was led by King Harkinian. With him in the castle also lived his daughter Zelda-
Boomstick: -and his boi Link, your friendly albeit bizarre and immature neighbourhood superhero.
Wiz: Link is weird and childish albeit heroic... but he's also pretty dumb and naive. Either way, Link is actually the buttmonkey of these three CD-i games that Nintendo wants to forget now that Philips fucked up so badly — in only one of them do you actually control Link. In the other two, he got kidnapped and Zelda has to beat Ganon's ass.
Boomstick: Meaning we can only really pull feats from one game. Either way though, Link has quite some swords, one of which is the Smart Sword... which is completely useless against good guys because it encourages them to talk and can't actually harm them.
Wiz: A far better weapon is the Power Sword which can actually do shit against pure people. If Link is unharmed enough he can fire magic blasts with it. The best sword he can get his hands on is the Fire Sword, which shoots fire when swung even if Link got the shit beaten out of him.
Boomstick: He also has a shield which does exactly what you should know it does, and it also blocks or reflects projectiles.
Wiz: There's also a Winged Helmet Link can use to jump higher and further, but it somehow wastes five Rupees per use, so if he's out of money, Link no userrinnoh.
Boomstick: The Bell freezes flying people for eight seconds but also wastes five Rupees per use. He can also chuck Firestones which divide themselves into three fireballs.
Wiz: The guy further has healing water, bombs, ropes and — yes — snowballs. He also has the Power Glove which blows shit up upon contact but wastes ten Rupees.
Boomstick: There's two more things in Link's magic pouch. The first is the Lantern of Vision, which lights dark places up and reveals the invisible. The last is the Book of Koridai which can seal others... if they're evil. Thereby, again, useless against good guys.
Wiz: Link's main different skill in this game is doing the Duck Walk, which is merely walking around while crouched.
Link: Look, I can do the Duck Walk! Cool, huh?
Wiz: Link can take hits from spears, swords and throwing axes and he can break chains using his sword. In addition, he harmed ghosts, saved Hyrule, one-shotted stone people, broke Militron's armour and beat a lot of bosses twice. But at the same time...
Boomstick: He's dumb and naive, many of his weapons are only useful against evil people, he sucks at strategy, a lot of his items require Rupees to use and he didn't even truly beat Ganon, he just threw a book at him and locked him up in it. Loser.
Wiz: But still... eh, I guess this guy is a hero?
Link: Gee, it sure is boring around here.
Intermission[]
Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set. It's time to end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: It's time for a DEATH BATTLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Death Battle[]
It seemed to be a normal day in Hyrule. Link was just fucking around in some village, very bored and without ideas for what to do.
Suddenly, all out of the blue, Mario comes falling out of the sky for seemingly no reason, screaming.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-"
FWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-
POOF!
And lands not very far from Link. "Oof! I knew that portal was kinda fishy!", Mario says while getting up. He is then approached by Link. "Hey! Where did you come from?"
Mario is about to speak when Link suddenly pulls out his sword. "You must probably be evil! And I will stop you in the name of Hyrule!"
crickets
"...Wait, what?", Mario exclaims before jumping out of the way to avoid a sword blast from Link. "Hey! What was that nee-" "You probably work for Ganon! I'll teach you!"
more crickets as a fly can be heard flying about due to the silence
"...I'm guessing you desperately want to battle me for some reason?", Mario says. Link then prepares for another swing. Mario pulls out his wrench and enters a battle stance. "I'm telling ya kid, this is the weirdest fight I ever got in, for the most bizarre and nonsensical reason one can think of. But guess what. I'll teach you to not assume without even the least of implications, or attack innocent people for the heck of it. Onward!"
FIGHT!
[MUSIC] Link: The Faces of Evil OST — Nortinka Hill
Link runs into Mario's direction and swings his sword at him. Mario ducks down to avoid the swing, then gets up and whacks Link with his wrench. "Take this, you lubber!"
Link is dazed, but regains his senses fairly quickly. Mario goes for another swing and—
BOOM!
—gets launched backwards through the air from the explosion generated by Link's Power Glove, with which he performed Ryu's Shoryuken. "Ha! Gotcha, fatty!"
Mario flies back through the air and eventually crashes into one's of the town's buildings as Link follows suit. Mario gets up to see he landed into a storage room at the second floor. Traveling through the door and heading into a hallway, he sees Link run up the stairs with his sword.
He lets the hero travel up the stairs and waits until he's almost at the top, then pushes him backwards and back down the stairs. "Aw! Aw! Ow! Augh!", Link constantly exclaims as he rolls down the staircase.
Finally reaching the bottom of the stairs, Link is infuriated, steam coming out of his ears, the "FWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-" sound playing followed by a train honk. "YOU THINK YOU'RE FUNNY HUH?", he shouts while rushing back up the stairs. "WELL IN THE NAME OF HYRULE I'LL TEA-"
Mario hits Link with a leg sweep, sending him off the stairs once more. "Aw! Ow! Augh! Mommy!", Link exclaims in pain. At the bottom of the stairs, Link runs up again, even more pissed off. Atop, Mario can be seen looking away from the staircase, drinking coffee and reading the newspaper (which reads "King Harkinian found drunk in Wendy's — ate all of the restaurant's burgers"), swinging his leg backwards while still reading the paper and drinking his coffee to throw Link off the stairs a third time.
Link gets up again, rushes up the stairs yet another time and gets kicked off the staircase a fourth time, yet again by Mario's leg — its owner facing away from the stairs, playing "Super Morshu Bros." on a Neo Geo Ganon Color.
Link lands at the bottom of the stairs and is now more triggered than ever. Finally using his nonexistent brain, he pulls out his Fire Sword and swings it, sending out a burst of fire. The staircase starts burning and the same can be said for the second floor. Link walks out of the building, confident his opponent has been burnt to a crisp.
Just as he is about to leave town, Link looks behind him and sees Mario leaping out of the building, wearing his Thwomp Stompers. Snagging the opportunity, Link pulls out of the Bell and freezes Mario in mid-air. Link pulls out a couple bombs, dons his Winged Helmet and leaps up in the sky, chucking his bombs upwards to Mario. One of them arrives above Mario just as the timer runs out.
The explosion blasts Mario downwards... straight on top of Link, dazing him. Mario regains his senses earlier and runs off, with Link on his tail. "Get back here, you wussy! Fight me like a man!" "I would've done so had there actually been a good reason to fight you!"
Eventually, Mario comes across a workshop. Heading in, he runs into Morshu. "Quick! Give me something to fend off that crazy kid who wants me dead for no reason!" "Do you have Rupees?" "Ehhh..." "Come back when you're a little... mmmmmmmm... richer!"
Suddenly, Link smashes in the door. He grabs some of Morshu's ropes and plops a couple Rubees on his bench. The hero then starts strangling Mario as Morshu watches in shock. "(Should I call the police? Or step in myself? ...But it's Link! The king will kill me!)"
Suddenly, Mario slams his leg in the place where no man can withstand a hit. Link screams in pain and starts rolling over the floor, his hands on that spot between his legs, releasing some more screams as he rolls.
In the little time he's got, Mario looks through Morshu's workshop and finds a high-tech portal creating machine. He activates it, causing Link and himself to be warped elsewhere, leaving Morshu to stand there and wonder just what happened.
[MUSIC] Unnamed song from Nils Landgren (specifically the part around 1:00)
BROOKLYN, NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK, USA, NORTH AMERICA, AMERICA, EARTH, THE SOLAR SYSTEM, THE MILKY WAY, THE OBSERVABLE UNIVERSE, THE UNIVERSE, THE MULTIVERSE, THE OMNIVERSE, EXISTENCE, TOTALITY, YOU GET THE IDEA
Everything seemed to be going as usual in Brooklyn.
...That is, until Mario and Link came falling from the sky, screaming, before they eventually crashed straight into a Hot Dog stand.
Mario stood up first and whacked Link with his wrench. "Take this, you lubber!" Much to the amusement of some nearby children, who start laughing. "Remember kids! Don't attack people for no reason!", Mario said, "Else, you'll end up like this naughty fella!"
This pisses Link off badly and he leaps at Mario, who performs a small hop to his left — causing Link to crash into a few trash cans — and promptly runs away, into the streets of New York.
Link uses healing water to heal himself, then swings his sword, firing off a blast of magic which Mario avoids by sidestepping. Link throws some Firestones, which split in three, but none of them hit Mario, who runs to the right into a garage.
Link approaches with his sword, but suddenly Mario comes driving out in his van and starts chasing Link, who throws some snowballs on his windshield. However, Mario activates his windscreen wipers, cleans the glass of the snow and resumes his chase, eventually hitting Link and sending him flying into a building.
Mario promptly drives away in hopes to finally rid himself of his opponent, when suddenly—
WUEP!
Link shows up out of nowhere from the bottom of the vehicle, startling Mario. "Hey! I wanna drive!", Link idiotically exclaims, before grabbing the steering wheel and rotating it in various directions. Mario screams and Link yays as the van starts driving in circles, before Mario grabs the wheel as well, and they both pull the wheel, causing the vehicle to zigzag.
Eventually the van snowballs out of control and they start racing through the city, smashing through several trash cans and hot dog stands, ramming another car away and hitting a pedestrian, before the two eventually arrive at the Central Park in Manhattan, which they drive into, smashing through several benches and ramming several trees off their foundation.
Eventually Mario pulls out his wrench and smashes Link. "Take this, you lubber!" Link gets his sword and starts dueling Mario in a sword vs. wrench fight, leaving the wheel be entirely. The two constantly duel in their seats as the van keeps driving forwards, causing massive destruction and ravages in the city. Link's Smart Sword eventually moans, "And why am I here again?"
Finally, the van crashes into another set of garages, causing Mario and Link to roll out of the vehicle. There, they continue their duel and, while fighting, enter a portal inside an open garage, taking them to Dinohattan.
[MUSIC] Super Smash Bros. Melee — Brinstar Depths
The two get launched out of the portal on top of a skyscraper in a deserted block of Dinohattan, at its outskirts. Mario gets up first and pulls out his Flame Gun. He shoots several fireballs at Link, who deflects them with his shield and throws a bomb at Mario, blasting him backwards. Link approaches Mario, who uses the weapon as a flamethrower, but Link uses his Lantern of Vision to blind Mario with sharp light, then punches him, causing the plumber to drop his weapon into the dark alley below.
Mario throws a kick at Link's chin, stunning him, and uses the opportunity to put on his Thwomp Stompers and leap to the other side of the building. There, he pulls out a Bob-omb and winds it, but whilst walking forward the Bob-omb falls into a small crack on the roof. "Oh, boleti!", Mario curses.
Pulling one of his Thwomp Stompers off, the plumber stuffs a Bullet Bill into it and then fires it, just as Link gets up. The explosion sends Link flying backwards, onto a nearby platform. Mario puts the Stomper back on and jumps high into the air to follow suit, but Link uses one of his ropes as a lasso, grabs Mario by one of his legs and pulls him down into the platform.
He then starts bludgeoning Mario with the Book of Koridai before strangling him with another rope. Just as it seems like the end...
tsssssssssssshhhh...
Link looks behind him to see that Mario's Bob-omb from earlier made it to the platform. Before he is able to react—
BOOM!
The Bob-omb explodes, causing Link to lose his grip on the rope, and sends him flying, before he lands a bit further. Mario recovers and gets up, walking towards Link with his wrench. Link tries to swing his sword at Mario just one more time—
"Oh dear! Mr. Mario, violence isn't the solution to anything! Talking is so much better! Why don't you tw-"
"I don't caaa-haaaare!", Mario moans as he grabs Link's Smart Sword and tosses it away over the edge. He grabs Link with one hand and throws him several meters far and high over the edge, where the hero of Hyrule lands on several platforms and billboards, rolling off each one until he finally lands on the streets a few meters below.
Mario gets to Link and starts battering and bludgeoning him with his wrench. "Take this, you lubber! And this! And this! And that! And this! And that! And this, and that, and this and that and this and that, THIS! THAT! THIS! THAT!"
Link is now bruised and bleeding from the hits. Mario finally rams Link so hard, he's sent flying into a wall. Mario picks Link up and tosses him back to where he just came from. Then, he finally pulls out his Devolution Gun and starts blasting Link with the rays, turning him into a toddler, then a baby, then an embryo, then an ape, then a weird fish and eventually finally into lifeless, primordial goop.
KO!
Link's fluid remains start flowing down into the sewers of Dinohattan as Mario returns to Dinohattan, goes to a bar and orders a spaghetti to divert his toughts from what just happened.
Then, Luigi arrives at the bar. "Luigi! Man, you'll never believe what just happened to me…"
Verdict[]
[MUSIC] Alan Silvestri — Drive to work on instinct
Boomstick: Nothing better than a delicious spaghetti after the weirdest battle ever with the weirdest idiot in Hyrule.
Wiz: While Link may have been faster than Mario, that's all he had on him. Mario is just plain stronger physically. Remember in the sequel webcomic, where he could break people's necks and send them flying all in one hit? Yup, that was made canon by the crew.
Boomstick: Link doesn't have a lot of durability whereas Mario survived getting his skull bashed in by Iggy and Spike. Not to mention he was far more mobile with the Thwomp Boots, making him hard to hit. Link has the Bell to counter this, but he'd run out of Rupees eventually... which would also leave him unable to use the Power Glove and Winged Helmet.
Wiz: A lot of Link's weapons wouldn't even effect Mario anyways. The Book of Koridai can only seal evil people and the Smart Sword can't hurt good guys; instead, it tries to convince them to talk.
Boomstick: Mario's Devolution Gun also bypasses durability, meaning it could make quick work of Link. And then there's the fact that Mario is a great strategist, outsmarted a dictator and raised Luigi like he was his actual father. Meanwhile, Link is a complete idiot, sucks at strategy, is fucking naive and falls for just about every trap.
Wiz: Mario also killed Koopa, in his T-Rex form. He also did this the actual fighting way... whereas Link finished Ganon by simply throwing a book at him and trapping him in it. And then, there's Mario's feat of preventing two universes from being merged and reverting the partial fusion that was taking place.
Boomstick: It's time to party, since today is the day Link Kori-died!
Wiz: The winner is Movie Mario.
Next Time[]
TBA
Polls[]
Pre-Battle[]
Post-Battle[]
Misc.[]
FIGHT! Scene by Diegoampage / Dio the Ludicolo before he abandoned the battle