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Matt Helms vs. The Pyro
Season 3, Episode 61
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Air date Sept 7th, 2016
Written by Venage237
Directed by Venage237
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Matt Helms vs. Pyro is a What-If Death Battle created by Venage237, and is the season 2 follow-up to the previous Death Battle; The Fury vs. The Pyro. This fan made Death Battle features Matt Helms from No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle, and the returning champion The Pyro from Team Fortress 2.


No More Heroes 2 vs. Team Fortress 2. Today, two pyromaniac are going to burning everything around them, while at the same time try to kill each other. Can The Champion of a Previous Death Battle, be able to hold his own against the 24th assassin of the UAA?


Boomstick: So, remember a while back that the winner of The Fury vs. The Pyro would one day return and face off against another flamethrower wielding specialist? Well today is that day!

Wiz: In this Death Battle, the returning champion The Pyro will face off against Matt Helms, the 24th assassin in the UAA.

Boomstick: With that said, He's Wiz, and I'm Boomstick.

Wiz: And it's out job to analyze their weapons armor and skills to find out who will win a Death Battle.

Matt Helms[]

Wiz: Three years after Travis became the 1st ranked assassin of the UAA, and just, outright left, Sylvia Christel decided to recruit more assassins for her gameshow.

Boomstick: And boy, do these assassins get weird. I mean we have a football player that can become a giant mech in the form of a football, with the aid of a group of cheerleaders. A Russian Cosmonaut who doesn't even know he's one Earth, and debatably weirdest, as well as the most disturbing, a pyromaniac known as Matt Helms. And when I say disturbing, I mean disturbing

Wiz: According to Sylvia, roughly thirty years ago, Matt Helms was abandoned as a child.

Boomstick: Why was he abandoned?

Wiz: The same reason why your father left you.

Boomstick: Hey!

Wiz: You know it's the truth. Anyway, just before he was about to die, with his last breath Helms made a pact with the Devil to bring him back in life so he can kill his parents. With that, Matt Helms was resurrected, and became an undead killer.

Boomstick: With a disturbing looking face! But it didn't take too long for him to find and murder his parents. And because he's basically a chubby version of Jason Voorhees, Matt Helms also decided to murder virtually anyone who entered his house and the forest surrounding it.

Wiz: It didn't take too long for Sylvia to learn about him, and decided to recruit him as of the assassins of the UAA. How she was able to do so without getting killed is beyond me, but hey! She's got an undead serial killer as an assassin.

Boomstick: Oh, come on Wiz! The reason why Sylvia was able to convince Matt to join the UAA is simple.

Wiz: And what's that?

Boomstick: She's fucking hot!

Wiz: I doubt that how she did that. But let's pretend that what you said is true and move on.

Boomstick: Bite me!

Wiz: I'd rather not get any hairballs.

Boomstick: (growls)

Wiz: Anyway, Due to him being resurrected by the Devil himself, it's only natural that Matt Helms who acquire some demonic abilities.

Boomstick: From having superhuman strength, possible teleportation, and even having some minor shapeshifting abilities. But sadly, he only has two forms; his true form, and his combat form. While he's in combat, Matt Helms takes on the form of a chubby bastard with a child-like mask, and ass-load of Molotov cocktails, and about all, a flamethrower axe.

Wiz: But when he's not in combat, Helms will take on his true form; a blood-soaked naked child.

Boomstick: Ahhh! Quick, censor that shit!

Wiz: Right! Censoring it right now. Now, while in this form, Helms only carries a tiny axe, which he uses to perform a sneak attack. But while he's in his combat form, Matt Helms does wield the aforementioned Molotov cocktails and a flamethrower axe.

Boomstick: Should his target get too far, he'll frequently toss a seemingly endless amount of fire bombs. And if they get too close, he'll commonly swing his axe around. And on top of that, if he manages to overpower his foe, Matt Helms will go all Pokémon on our ass, and perform a body slam.

Wiz: But what's odd though is that he rarely uses the flamethrower on his axe. Sure, he'll use it, but when you get down to it, Matt Helms will commonly swing his axe or toss his fire bombs. Plus when you get down to it, a lot of Helms' feats are more or less implied and mention. It's been told that he successfully killed his parents, and managed to kill who knows how many people for roughly 30 years.

Boomstick: Well, there is one feat that we saw Matt Helms accomplish.

Wiz: And what's that?

Boomstick: We saw him survive after his fucking head got stabbed with a beam Kitana, follow with a bloody explosion.

Wiz: Ye-yeah that is seen. And because of that, it's safe to say that Matt Helms is immortal, and can't actually die normally. But while he can't officially die, it is implied that if his house burns down, Helms will disappear. Meaning, that Helms and his house is somehow connected. So if one goes, the other follows.

Boomstick: So your telling me that Helms' main weapon of choice is a flamethrower, knowing that it risks the chance of him burning his house down, and potentially killing him?

Wiz: Possibly....

Travis: What's a kid doing here?

Matt Helms: I am gonna kill you...

The Pyro[]

Boomstick: Wiz? Do we really need to talk about the Pyro again? I mean, we've already analyzed him over a year ago?

Wiz: Yeah, I know. But a lot has happened since then. For one, the Pyro has acquired a few new weapons. Some of them got nerfed, and we may've left out a couple abilities that The Pyro had perviously.

Boomstick: Oh. Well then, let's get this over with. Well, as we've stated before, The Pyro is among the most mysterious members of Team Fortress 2.

Wiz: The only thing that is known about him, if it really is a him, is that he's a schizophrenic. And because of his schizophrenia, The Pyro doesn't see things properly.

Boomstick: Through our perspective, we see the Pyro burning everything in his path, showing no remorse. But through his perspective, The Pyro is a world of lollipops, sweets and happiness. Filled with chibi cupid versions of the people he encounters, and spreading happiness and bubbles.

Wiz: Don't forget the stuffed pink unicorns. He has those in his fantasy.

Boomstick: Jesus. Somebody, NEEDS to have the Pyro and Captain Boomerang meet one day. You know. Because he has a fetish for---

Wiz: I get it! Move on!

Boomstick: Okay. Okay... Asshole..

Wiz: (Growls with anger and annoyance..) Anyway, as we've stated before, the Pyro's main weapon of choice is the flamethrower. Before battle, The Pyro will have the opportunity to select one of his many flamethrowers, a secondary weapon, and a melee weapon.

Boomstick: Last time we gave The Pyro the Nostromo Napalmer for his flamethrower, The Flare Gun for his secondary, and his Sharpened Volcano Fragment for his melee weapon. This time however, we are going to give him three different weapons.

Wiz: For his flamethrower, we've decided to give The Pyro his Degreaser. This flamethrower has a 60% faster switch speed whenever Pyro switches with one weapon for his Degreaser. It's also roughly 30% faster when switched with another weapon, has an airblast that's 25% stronger than it's original power.... but sadly afterburn damage is reduced by about 66%.

Boomstick: And speaking of airblast, that was one ability we left out previously. You see, all of Pyro's flamethrowers, with the exception of the Phlogistinator, can emit an airblast which creates a sphere-shaped gas that can push his opponent away from Pyro.

Wiz: It's also capable of deflecting most projectiles and even instantly extinguish burning teammates. This ability is proven to be useful for the Pyro since most of his flamethrowers are short ranged, and require him to get up close and personal.

Boomstick: And that's why The Pyro also has his secondary weapon. Commonly, most of Pyro's secondaries are long ranged. From a shotgun to a flare gun Pyro's got quite a few weapons at his disposal.

Wiz: But in this battle, the Pyro will be using his Manmelter. A flare gun with infinite ammo, and 50% quicker projectiles.

Boomstick: And since Pyro's fighting an opponent with an axe, why not give Pyro and axe as well? In this case, let's give him the Axtinguisher. A sweet looking axe that can perform 100% Critical-hit if the Pyro attack a burning opponent from behind, can do Mini-crits towards a burning enemy from the front, but kinda sucks when it's swung at a non-burning enemy as it does 50% less damage towards a non-burning foe, and can't deliver a critical-hits on non-burning enemies as well.

Wiz: The Pyro is arguably the most feared member of the Team Fortress 2 line. Hell, The Heavy, a man who fears no man admitted that The Pyro scares him. And even the Scout is terrified of him.

Boomstick: That, and he's more than capable of killing, and burning virtually everyone in his path. And with his flamethrower, he's arguably the best man to track down and kill those bastards Spies. Because... you know... SPIES ARE FUCKING BULLSHIT!!!

Wiz: But sadly, because Pyro is a schizophrenic, it's clear that he doesn't know what's truly going on with the real world. That, and a lot of his weapon rely on him getting up close and personal, meaning that enemies like Snipers and Engineers can be his worst enemies.

Boomstick: But if there anyone foolish enough to confront the Pyro head on, may god have mercy.

A Blue Soldier is seen with a huge hole in his chest. He falls on the ground, dead, with his helmet falling off his head.

The Pyro is seen walking gleefully out of a town of burning building, as the sound of whistling can be heard.

Death Battle[]

(The Scene begins with The Pyro entering a haunted house.)

As he's enters the house, the door slams shut. The Pyro jumps a bit, but wasn't phased.

He continue looking around the house until he hears sound coming from the upper floor.

The Pyro makes his way, and makes it to a set of stairs. As he makes it to the top, the Pyro spots, something entering one of the rooms.

Startled a bit more, the Pyro jumps back, causing him to land on the stair.

Eventually, a mysterious figure appeared behind the Pyro. It was Matt Helms.

The Pyro spots Matt Helms.

Helms attempts to kill Pyro by slamming his axe onto the stairs.

Without hesitating, The Pyro rolled to the side and landed on the lower floor of the house.

The Pyro managed to get back onto his feet, while at the same time Matt Helms follow the him by jumping onto the ground, heavily.

The two stared at each other with their respected flamethrower at hand.


Both Helms and The Pyro fired their flamethrowers at each other.

The flames spewing out of each flamethrower cancel each other out, as neither Helms, nor the Pyro are getting burned.

Eventually the two ceased firing.

But as soon as Helms turned off his flamethrower, he spotted The Pyro charging towards him with an axe in hand; the Axtinguisher.

Pyro managed to swipe his axe at Helms, delivering some damage.

This however, cause Matt Helms to cackle out loud. In retaliation however, Matt Helms attempts to slice open the Pyro with his axe.

Helms swung his axe. However, Pyro managed to dodge the axe swing, due to Helms swinging it rather slowly.

Pyro then pulled out his Flamethrower again, and spewed fire at Helms. Helms was set on fire. But instead of feeling pain, he continues cackling out loud.

In responds, Helms tossed a few Molotov cocktails at the Pyro.

Pyro was able to dodge most of them by strafing from side to side, while continuing spewing out fire. However one of them managed to hit him.

Despite this, the Pyro was set on fire, and the cocktail barely did any damage.

Helms proceeded to walk towards Pyro with his hand sticking out.

Without hesitating, Pyro ceased fire, and backed away, making his way towards another room.

Matt Helms gave chase..... slowly.

Pyro finds himself in what appears to be the den of Helms' home. He looks around trying to find Helms.

Eventually, the Pyro made his way towards an area of the den where there is barely any light, and a three wooden pillars supporting the room above.

Pyro hears a cackle. He looks behind as he managed to spot Matt Helms with his arm raised, and his axe at hand.

Helms attempts to decapitate the Pyro.

The Pyro, barely managed to dodge Helms' axe swing. In the process however, Helms cut the three wooden pillars in half.

Helms leaves the dark area, and made his way towards Pyro.

Pyro pulls out his flare gun, the Manmelter. and proceeds to fire at Helms.

Much like how he was when he was set on fire, Helms began cackling madly.

He makes his way towards Pyro, while the Pyro is quickly reloading and firing his flare gun at Helms.

Pyro continues firing his flare gun at Helms, and reloaded, while backing away.

Eventually, Helms pulled out his flamethrower, and spewed out flames at the Pyro.

The flames hit Pyro.... however, Pyro is barely affected.

As Helms is continuing firing fire at the Pyro, Pyro made his way two Helms, with his axe at hand.

Performing a powerful leap, Pyro delivered a powerful swing at Helm's neck, dealing critical damage, and decapitating him.

Helms' head is seen landing on the ground, rolling on the floor as well. His body also fell soon after.

As Pyro is catching his breath, and Helms' body disappears, Pyro eventually spots a blood-soaked naked child right next to him, revealing to be Matt Helms' true form.

Matt Helms: (whispering) I'm gonna kill you...

Pyro looks at the child with confusion.

In responses, Helms pulls out an axe in an attempt to kill off Pyro. However, in response, Pyro quickly pulls out his flare gun, and shot Helms in the face at point blank.

Helms' head is caught on fire, as he falls onto the ground.

Pyro reloads and fires another flare at a downed Helms.

Helms quickly gets back up and run into another room, as his body is engulfed in flames.

Pyro attempts to give chase, but stops when he notices the front door is open.

Pyro exits the house.

Before he leaves the cemetery, Pyro looks back and sees Helms' home. Without hesitating, Pyro pulls out his flamethrower, and burns the house to the ground.

The building collapses as pieces of burnt wood can be seen.

Eventually, The Pyro ceased fire, and skips away as the rest of the building collapses. The sound of whistling can be heard.


  • The burnt remains of Matt Helms' house is seen.
  • Pyro skips joyfully.


Boomstick: Wait! What happened!? Where's Matt Helms? Did he die?

Wiz: I.... honestly don't know, but let's see if we can make some sense of the results.

Boomstick: I'm betting it's not going to be easy.

Wiz: Anyway, while it is true that Matt Helms had the strength advantage, and his immortality did give him an edge in the fight, Pyro's superior speed, uniform and overall better arsenal gave him an edge as well.

Boomstick: With the exception of the axe blade on his flamethrower, all of Helms' weapons were partially useless. And that's mainly due to Pyro's flameproof suit. Which, as we've mentioned in a previous Death Battle, protects Pyro from all fire-based attacks. And as an added bonus, can't be cut.

Wiz: Now, to be fair, a good swing from Helms' axe could've been more than enough for Helms to kill Pyro, but since his swings are incredibly slow, and therefore were easy to dodge, it gave Pyro more than enough time to avoid Helms' deadly swings.

Boomstick: But what about the fact that Helms is immortal, and yet he still lost?

Wiz: Well, remember Boomstick, according to a cutscene in No More Heroes 2, while Helms may be able to endure a bullet to the head, his immortality on the other hand is somehow connected with his house. So when his house is burned down, then he loses his immortality, and his physical body. After all, if you noticed when his house was being burned to the ground, Helms was never seen again.

Boomstick: But how do you know that what you're saying isn't bullshit, and that Helm isn't alive?

Wiz: We don't. Not until he makes a comeback in the near future. But until then, this is the best conclusion we can come up with.

Boomstick: This battle really heated up, and ended in a blaze of glory.

Wiz: The Winner is The Pyro...... again.

Death Battle Winner The Pyro.... again

Next Time[]

DBZ vs. Bleach. Battle of the Beautiful, and Deadly Blondes.

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