Mario & Luigi vs Banjo-Kazooie is a 2 vs. 2 What If? Death Battle featuring Mario & Luigi from the Super Mario Bros. franchise, and Banjo-Kazooie from the franchise of the same name.
Description[]
Whether human or animal, these two partners in crime have shown no limits of overcoming all odds when working together. But who would win when these two duos work together to try and kill the other? The Plumbers vs. The Bear and Bird. Which is the more Dynamic Duo?
Interlude[]
*Cue "Invader"*
Boomstick: Wise man once said, the only thing greater than a hardcore, ass kicking mofo...is TWO hardcore, ass kicking mofos.
Wiz: And when it comes to tag team tandums, these two teams are the best of the best.
Wiz: Mario and Luigi, The Super Mario Bros.
Boomstick: And Banjo-Kazooie, the claw scratchin', beak bustin' bear and bird. He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick!
Wiz: And it's out job to anaylze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win...a Death Battle.
Mario & Luigi[]
Wiz: Under the rule of heir highness, Princess Peach Toadstood, The Mushroom Kingdom has been a land of peace for many, many years.
Boomstick: But whenever some form of evil has tried to take over, which is pretty much as fast as you can say "Well, what can go wrong today?", all hope depends on the Mushroom Kingdom's two greatest heroes... (Mario lands on his feet to prepare for action, and then Luigi trips and falls face first on the ground next to Mario, getting a sigh from the plumber in red.) Well...one great hero anyway. The Super Mario Bros.
Wiz: Mario and Luigi are twin brothers who have worked together almost since the womb, and despite being a couple of ordinary plumbers, have been the Mushroom Kingdom's greatest protectors.
Boomstick: And considering the fact that the Princess gets kidnapped...like every damn day, it's needless to say these two plumbers have had a lot of practice doing it.
Wiz: Both Mario and Luigi, while somewhat similar, have different advantages each has over the other.
Boomstick: Mario has the distinct upper-hand in strength, durability, and intelligence; while Luigi has a sizable edge in speed, jumping length and distance, along with evasiveness. So when combining their skills together, they become a well-oiled machine.
Wiz: But in terms of normal attributes, they are in theory no more stronger than an ordinary human, with their only ability being jumping on their adversaries flat. So when in times of desperate need, Mario and Luigi look upon the many extraordinary powers and secrets of the Mushroom Kingdom to lead them to victory.
__________________________
Mario Bros. Power Ups
- Mushrooms
- Fire Flowers
- Maple Leaves
- Star Power
- Cap Powers
- Mega Forms
- ...and tons more crap
__________________________
Boomstick: And those power-ups consist of...time me Wiz... (Deep Inhale, Rapid Speech) Red Mushrooms for increased size, Green Mushrooms to come back to life, Flowers for fire power, Maple Leaves and Winged Caps for Flight, Frog Suits for enhanced swimming, Metal Caps for Metal powers, Tanooki Suits for Disguising and increased power, Inviso Caps for invisibility, feathers to become a Superhero, Ice powers, Rock powers, rainbow powers, doubling powers, Cat...powers, and Mega Forms, becoming ten times their original sizes and walking through anything and everything like a boss... (Panting Heavily)
Wiz: Nineteen seconds...not bad Boomstick.
Boomstick: (Still breathing heavy) ...Thanks Wiz.
Wiz: But the most powerful item the mushroom kingdom holds dear is the power of the golden star. When absorbing the power of the Golden Star, it's pocessor will gain invincability and the ability to destroy anything it comes in contact with.
Boomstick: The downside, however, to all of Mario and Luigi's power-ups is they don't last. Projectile Power-ups while being able to fire continuously non-stop disappear...if they're hit...one single time. Hit once, and any of their powers are gone. Also invincibility power-ups while completely unstoppable, it's effects last shorter than a Viagra pill. So in short, acquire power-ups become unstoppable forces, no power-ups...two fat, slow plumbers who probably can't even fix your crapper, much less save their own kingdom.
Wiz: But fear not, for power ups and costumes aren't the only things the two plumbers rely on, each carries a heavy duty hammer with them and is so powerful it can destroy massive boulders with a single smash.
Boomstick: But why do they have hammers and not plungers?
Wiz: ...Because...
Boomstick: ...Fair enough.
Wiz: The Marios also have their own set of unique skills and tools. Mario carries a high powered Water Canon. The "Flash Liquidizer Ultra Dousing Device".
Boomstick: Or "FLUDD" for those people who would rather say one syllable than ten. So basically everyone in existence.
Wiz: FLUDD can use four different settings of nozzles, and when fully charged, a blast of water from the nozzle can move up to a half ton up to ten feet. A traditional garden hose only fires six feet of water at 2.6 pounds per square inch, or PSI. Which means, to move the one thousand pounds of weight, ten feet of distance. Mario's FLUDD at full power is estimated to shoot upwards of 25,000 PSI.
Boomstick: Ouch, that'll sting a bit. Luigi uses the "Poltergust 3000" which can suck in anything with a powerful vortex. Including ghosts. I can see it now. (Singing "Ghostbusters" theme) "Who you gonna call? LU-I-GI!" (Chuckles) God, that'd be ten times better than that crappy remake...
Wiz: Mario and Luigi's most powerful attacks are also unique from one another.
Boomstick: Mario uses an ultimate attack called the "Mario Finale", where he fires some super steroided fire Hadoken looking thing that inflicts an extraordinary amount of damage. Now the only thing it needs is a better name...like "Super, Giant, Jumbo Fireball of DOOM"!
Wiz: That...actually does sound better.
Boomstick: See Wiz, why do always doubt me?
Wiz: Luigi's special attack is an abnormally profound attack known as the "Negative Zone". This aura of energy that affects a foe can lead to very ridiculous and random results like inflicting constant damage to opponents tripping on their face for no reason. Basically, it's a zone of ass backwardness.
Boomstick: Damn Wiz, you're sounding like me.
Wiz: Anyway...while Mario and Luigi seem easy to snicker at just based on their physical appearance, the two have defeated foes far and wide who have attempted many dastardly things, everything from capturing the princess over and over again, to villains who have tried to destroy the entire galaxy.
Boomstick: Boy, it's amazing what that garbage motivation your parents always said about teamwork can really do. Save the galaxy, "Don't worry Mom and Dad! I can save the galaxy! Why? Because I have friends..." Yeah, that doesn't seem very believable in the real world.
Wiz: Despite that, the Marios are incredibly tough. Mario once had the strength to kick a castle into mid-air, once defeated King Koopa Bowser who was powered by stars, both can use the power of the star to travel a stretch of galaxies in merely no time at all, and Mario and Luigi have together saved the Mushroom Kingdom on over one hundred occasions.
Boomstick: But although there are incredible feats of undeniability, there is one...pretty major flaw. While Mario is considered the immortal savor and perfect hero of the Mushroom Kingdom, Luigi on the other hand...is not. Mario is strong, Luigi isn't...Mario is intelligent, Luigi...no, Mario is brave, Luigi...don't even get me started.
Wiz: So while Luigi is a powerful ally, and the Marios work together as a great team, ordinarily the threat from a formidable foe drags the team down with Luigi's tendencies of fear and clumsiness, and at times puts the brothers in extreme danger.
Boomstick: Must be really hard to sleep easy knowing the fate of the galaxy could depend on the likes of a clumsy, bumbling fool of a brother.
Wiz: Well, I guess that is one way of looking at it. As the old saying goes, "You're only as strong as your weakest link."
Boomstick: Granted though, when your quote unquote "Weak Link" has saved your Italian Plumber ass on three separate occasions, it's clear to say he can hold his own when the chips are down.
Wiz: Although very strong together, they are now invincible. The Marios' constant threat of losing all power ups when receiving any hint of damage can make it difficult to maintain any advantage against a foe. Also without their traditional power ups, both Mario and Luigi are in threat of danger from any form of attack.
Boomstick: Long story short, these brothers could always be in need for a shroom. (Chuckles)
Wiz: And when together, The Mario Bros. may arguably be the most powerful tandem in the galaxy.
(Super Mario Bros. Fanfare)
Mario: "Here we go!"
Luigi: "Oh yeah, Luigi like a that!"
Banjo-Kazooie[]
Wiz: In a small distant cabin off the outskirts of Spiral Mountain, lives a run of the mill, laid back, pants wearing honey bear...
Boomstick: And his name, is Banjo.
Wiz: Banjo spent the early days of his life racing vehicles with many of his close friends, including the likes of Conker, Tiptup, and best friend of the legendary Donkey Kong, Diddy.
Boomstick: Everything was pretty status quo for this walking, talking brown bear. But one day his life would change forever.
Wiz: While walking home from a day of excitement, Banjo stumbled upon a blue backpack and contained within it a little orphaned red bird.
Boomstick: Yeah, Banjo was like, "That's a fine backpack. I want it...oh but this stupid bird is in it. Oh, well I can take'em both home and have a new backpack and dinner!" But something made Banjo decide not to eat him.
Wiz: Actually Boomstick, Kazooie is a girl...
Boomstick: Oh, well that explains a lot. Either he wanted to marry her, or he didn't want to get licensed as a sex offender, and see if the cops or PETA come knocking down his door first.
Wiz: Filled with pity and sympathy, Banjo decided to take the orphaned bird home and treat her like one of the family.
Boomstick: And to match with his own musical name, he named his new friend...Kazooie... (Sudden Silence) ...Because ya know, those badass instrument names like Cello, Xylophone, and Pan Flute were already taken.
Wiz: Kazooie is a Red-Crested Breegull.
Boomstick: A what?
Wiz: A Red-Crested Breegull.
Boomstick: Oh I love Breegulls, I love putting 'em on my fingers like they're nails and just start eating them off my hands, and... (Wiz cuts him off)
Wiz: Uh Boomstick, those are called Bugles.
Boomstick: Bugles? Son of a bitch! Another musical instrumental...
Wiz: Anyway...while Banjo and Kazooie may be the best of friends, they could not be more opposite in personality. While Banjo is laid back and easy going, let's just say Kazooie marches to the beat of a different drum...(Boomstick quickly cuts Wiz off)
Boomstick: NO MORE INSTRUMENT PUNS!!!
Wiz: (Sadly) Awe...
Boomstick: The bear and bird's first dilemma began when Banjo's little sister Tootie was kidnapped at a young age... (Snickers) Ha...Tootie, guess she had music notes come out the tail pipe if you know what I mean.
Wiz: Boomstick! Young Tootie was kidnapped by an evil, ugly witch who looked to steal the young cub's beauty from her.
Boomstick: Evil witch? Oh wait, what's her name? Clarinet, Tuba, Woodblock?
Wiz: Gruntilda...
Boomstick: Gruntilda? What the hell does that have to do with instruments?
Wiz: It doesn't.
Boomstick: Well that's dumb!
Wiz: Regardless, Banjo and Kazooie quickly realizing they stood little to no chance of rescuing Tootie on their own. When all hope seemed dim, the two were both trained by the likes of a mole, by the name of... (Boomstick cuts him off)
Boomstick: Piano!
Wiz: ...Bottles.
Boomstick: What does that... (Wiz cuts him off)
Wiz: IT DOESN'T! (Boomstick sighs) Bottles trained the two to work as a team, by teaching them a wide variety of moves.
Boomstick: Banjo's superhuman strength allows him to use his claws and body as a formidable weapon, he can also regain health hibernating in their own backpack, however the hell that works, while Kazooie's super sharp talons allows for excessive damage and speed. The two also are very capable of working together for a wide range of combo attacks, including beak busters, butt slams, and whip slams.
Wiz: The two also whenever needed can separate to attack on their own, though they're not nearly as experienced or strong apart from each other than they are together. But Banjo and Kazooie's greatest abilities lie in a vast variety of items and weapons.
___
Banjo-Kazooie Power Ups
- Red Feathers (Flight)
- Golden Feathers (Invincibility)
- Eggs
- Honeycomb Pieces (Health Restore)
- Speed Boots (Super Speed)
- Wadding Boots (Protection from dangerous environments)
- Magical Transforms (Only with help from Mumbo Jumbo)
___
Boomstick: The two can obtain a variety of feathers, red feathers to help in flight, and gold feathers to make them invincible and impervious to damage.
Wiz: But, they cannot hold an unlimited supply, Kazooie can only hold one hundred red feathers at a time, which if used in succession would allow Kazooie to fly non-stop for approximately thirty minutes or do one hundred beak bomb strikes without restock, the two can also obtain a total of twenty golden feathers that Kazooie can use as a shield, which can absorb all form of punishment for about forty seconds total and if used all at once can destroy anything, they even have the power to destroy ghosts. To travel long distances they can carry running shoes to triple their speed, and wadding boots that can endure temperatures hotter than lava, which can reach up to two thousand degrees Fahrenheit.
Boomstick: And eggs...lots, and lots, and lots...of eggs.
Wiz: These eggs range anywhere from standard blue, red fire eggs that produce massive burns, ice eggs that can leave a victim frozen solid, green grenade eggs that could destroy an entire building, golden eggs that can fire an excess of one hundred miles per hour, mine eggs that can explode, battery eggs that can fry a foe, and a clockwork egg...which can turn into a robot...and then blows up.
Boomstick: If the power of these things doesn't kill ya, the cholesterol damn sure will.
Wiz: Banjo is also able to fire eggs from Kazooie as if she was a machine gun, torrent style.
Boomstick: Which I'm having a hard time wondering if that's totally awesome...or totally screwed up. Done wondering, THAT'S TOTALLY AWESOME!!!
Wiz: And also with a little bit a of magic, Kazooie can actually turn into a fire breathing dragon. Not only this, but it also allows Kazooie to fire an unlimited amount of eggs non stop.
Boomstick: Okay, we've really come a long way from the instrument puns.
Wiz: But Banjo and Kazooie's most powerful weapon is the Magic Wrench.
(Banjo-Kazooie use the wrench to make a monstrous armored missiled jet)
Wiz: Obtained by the Lord of Games, or L.O.G. for short, the Magic Wrench is a tool of virtually unlimited power.
Boomstick: This freaky, funky wrench aids the bear and bird to fight, jump, levitate extremely large objects, and can create ultra destructive weapons and ships out of almost nothing at all. Want a replica X-Wing Fighter, just call of these two, they'll help ya build it with nothing more than a beach ball and a wad of chewing gum. This thing can make almost anything...except a musical instrument...because WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU WANNA MAKE THAT?!
Wiz: These wide asortment of weapons and items have helped Banjo and Kazooie many times over. They've managed to swim and survive in extremely polluted water, survive frigid sub-zero temperatures, have defeated Gruntilda on three separate occasions...including her post zombie skeleton self, and even went back in time to stop their friendship from never existing.
Boomstick: So I guess when going back in time, the two cared about their friendship above other things...like making sure Microsoft never bought Rare...
Wiz: Well, I guess you can chalk that poor desicion to proof that they're not the sharpest pencils in the box.
Boomstick: Yeah, they're actually pretty freaking stupid, managing to achieve many feats just by dumb luck and a whole lotta help from others.
Wiz: They're also known to quarrel on occasion which sometimes can distract them from the biggest task at hand.
Boomstick: But when the chips are down, you can bet this bear and bird will go all out to the bitter end.
Wiz: I guess you can say that it's the cymbal of a great friendship...
Boomstick: ...Jesus Christ...
(Banjo finishes strumming his banjo with Kazooie in his backpack as they do a pose)
DEATH BATTLE[]
(Cue "Invader")
Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set. It's time to end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLEEEEEE! Tandem Style!
---
A peaceful cloud filled sky is suddenly filled in chaos as a flying car clown driven by King Koopa Bowser flies off with Princess in hand, while two capped Plumbers, The Super Mario Bros. are close behind.
Meanwhile in the opposite direction, an ugly, evil witch is flying on her magic broom with a little girl cub in her hands trying to get away from a angry bear and bird, Banj-Kazooie in hot pursuit.
Suddenly, the two foes with prized pocessions spot each other and at last second avoid each other in midair, however, the two group of pursuers are not as lucky as the parties collide in the sky, spiraling down to the ground below, crashing as their arch enemies escape. The landing causes both Marios to lose their capped powers. They four pop their heads up to see what is before them.
: Hey! What's the big idea!?
: Big idea? You crashed into us Shroom Breath!
(Mario is very insulted by the comment)
: Kazooie, that was uncalled for...
(Luigi then pipes in his opinion)
: Hey! Tell a your friend to keep his big beak closed!
: (Laughs) Show's what you know. I'm a girl Dumbo! Tell your look alike to watch where he's flying his fat, plumber rear!
: (Angry) That's it! You have asked for this. You need to be taught a lesson.
: Oh yeah! (The Marios gear up to take out the bear and bird before them.)
: (Bonks Kazooie on the head) Way to go Kazooie!
: Come on Banjo, they're two overall wearing goofs, what can they possibly do?
(The two groups strike poses and are ready for battle)
FIGHT!
Luigi charges up for a Green Missile and fires at Banjp-Kazooie, who backflips up and easily avoids the attack sending Luigi off to a far distance, leaving Mario to fend for himself. Banjo runs at Mario and gives the plumber a barrel roll attack taking Mario to the ground.
Banjo uses Kazooie to slam Mario in the face with a Bird Slam making Mario doozy on the ground. Banjo-Kazooie then backflip in the air to try a Butt Slam, but the two are tackled in the air by Luigi who is powered by a Maple Leaf for Raccoon Powers. Luigi carries Banjo-Kazooie at a super fast speed and careens them into a nearby mountain, but Kazooie gives her Beak Attack knocking Luigi away, crashing Luigi down where Mario is located, losing his power up. Banjo and Kazooie return to the scene as all four are already showing some damage at a stand off again. The Marios get to their feet and both use Fire Flowers to gain their fire forms, both throw several fireballs and the first two strike the bear and bird and sends them back a good distance. Banjo-Kazooie grab a pair of Speed Sneakers and zoom around all of the Mario's fireballs with ease, they start running circles around the two plumbers as they miss their fireballs badly, Luigi's clumsy self fires a ball that accidentally hits Mario in the butt, sending him sky high and to the ground, causing again to losing Mario's power, Luigi begins to apologize to Mario, but gets tackled by the lightning speeding Banjo-Kazooie taking him down, losing his power also.
Banjo-Kazooie find a Flying Pad on the ground and use it to fly up into the sky as the Mario begin to come to, Kazooie charges up to do her signature Kazooie Dive Bomb, The Marios are barely avoiding the attacks before Mario gets an idea. Mario grabs two Metal Caps and flops them on top of himself and Luigi to give them both metal powers. Banjo-Kazooie see the two plumbers standing on the ground and go for a diving beak attack, but they are stopped in their tracks when neither Mario Brother gives an inch, the two then grab the bear and bird and give them swinging tosses into the nearby mountain side, leaving them free falling to the ground.
As the Marios' metal powers fade they stalk towards the fallen foes to finish them off, but are confused to find nothing but a backpack. Suddenly, out of nowhere, Kazooie is stuck out of the backpack and used as a gun while Banjo fires a plethora of eggs towards the Marios, dealing massive amounts of damage sending them back. Banjo then loads Kazooie with Fire Red Eggs and begins firing. The Marios manage to avoid them keeping their distance, Mario and Luigi manage to obtain a pair of Vanish Caps and apply them to disappear from. Banjo-Kazooie become befuddled at where their opponents have gone.
Suddenly, when their powers fade, the Marios are ready with their hammers and both give whirlwind smashes, followed by big home run swings connecting knocking Banjo-Kazooie back, but the bear and bird are ready, as Banjo has Kazooie fire a grenade egg, the egg blows up by Mario and Luigi sending them flying through the air. Mario takes a feather allowing him to stay a float in the air and not come down, but Luigi gives him himself a frog costume...bad move. Luigi falls to the ground hard and loses his frog power as soon as he gets it.
Banjo-Kazooie bomb at Mario in the air who counters with a Spinning Cape Attack, sending the bear and bird free falling to the ground and giant impact, Mario then goes for his own dive bomb, but Banjo uses Kazooie to fire a series of Ice Eggs into the air. Mario is able to dodge the first few eggs, but is soon struck and turns into an iceblock. Mario lands several feet from the bear and bird who look to finish the plumber off, Banjo uses Kazooie to fire a massive Grenade Egg at Mario, but soon a zone of Negative Energy appears and sends the grenade careening back at Banjo-Kazooie, blowing up in their face taking them down. The once fallen Luigi uses the time from his Negative Zone attack to pull a still frozen Mario away to a safe distance before Banjo and Kazooie come to. Luigi uses his hammer and after a couple smashes, shatters the ice and frees his brother.
Soon the four are back to their feet and all are prepared to use each of their powerful weapons. Banjo and Kazooie prepare to use their Golden Feathers, Mario and Luigi both grab a hold of a Starman each. All four combatants activate their power ups and charge at each other, and they collide with neither thus far being effected by the other's power. The struggle continues and after fifth-teen seconds, the power of the stars wears off and the Marios are set flying back hundreds of meters and smacking the ground hard as Banjo-Kazooie celebrate their longer lasting invincibility powers.
Banjo and Kazooie look to finish it off, as they reach in their backpack and pull out their ultimate weapon, The Magic Wrench. Within seconds, the bird and bear use the the surrounding trees, rocks, and objects to design a combat plane. The two hop in and take off to engage in firing on the plumbers, who both run trying to escape their foes. The two Italians have a plan as Mario tosses Luigi the Mario's ultimate weapon, the Mega Mushroom. Upon touching it, Luigi grows to a towering size as the shocked bear and bird look on. Their continued fire power has no effect on Luigi, who then charges at the plane, but Banjo makes evasive moves to keep their distance from Luigi. Their plan is clear to keep their length on Luigi until it wears off. Luigi isn't able to get close enough to attack Banjo and Kazooie's plane, and after a length of time, Luigi begins to shrink in size as he screams in terror, Banjo and Kazooie know they have Luigi where they want him.
The two begin to dive bomb Luigi, who ducks his head knowing the end is near. But as Banjo and Kazooie come to point blank range, they are smacked with a giant slap, which makes their plane explode. The blown up bear and bird fall to the ground and they look up in trembling fear as they see a one-hundred foot Mario standing over them. They scream in fright as Mario lifts his monstrous foot and with ease flattens the Earth they stand on, and then he twists his foot back and forth smearing what is left of the furry and feathered foes. Mario then lifts up his foot that leaves nothing but a bloody backpack.
Mario then shrinks down to size as he calls his brother who is still buried in the ground in fear, who jumps up in peril and shock, which gets a sign of annoyance from the plumber in red.
Conclusion[]
K.O.
(Shows Mario and Luigi beating Bowser in a matter of seconds saving Princess Peach, while the remains of Banjo's Backpack have a random blue egg roll out and fall flat.)
Boomstick: Damn, that bear and bird just got 1-upped!
Wiz: Banjo and Kazooie have weapons and attacks that rival, and at times even surpass Mario and Luigi. But their disadvantage of being not nearly as powerful separately did them in, while Mario and Luigi are equally as powerful, and as a team become even stronger, which trumps Banjo-Kazooie.
Boomstick: Mario and Luigi has overcome so many damn obstacles and dangers, it's a wonder that they are ever in any peril at all ever. But Banjo-Kazooie's power gave them a run for their money.
Wiz: It just goes to show that The Mario Brothers are as super as they are portrayed.
(Shows Mario flatten Banjo-Kazooie with his foot)
Boomstick: I guess you can say this match...was a stomp!
Wiz: The winners are Mario & Luigi...The Super Mario Bros.
