Description[]
The Legend of Zelda vs Metal Gear! Which franchise will come out on top?
Link[]
(cue: “Hard Linked” - Hyrule Warriors)
Wiz: Link. He’s Hyrule’s champion and protector. Though there have been many different incarnations of him over the years, they all share a common goal: to protect Hyrule from evil.
Boomstick: All of the Link’s bear the Triforce of Courage. It’s a powerful magical artifact that not only proves the bearer’s skill and kick-assery, but also to a degree protects the bearer from magic.
Wiz: He’s also got a massive arsenal, including things like bows, boomerangs, gauntlets, magical boots, grappling hooks, gliders, bombs, masks, spinners, shields, …
Boomstick: WOAH WOAH WOAH! How the HELL does he carry all that around? He doesn’t have any pockets!
Wiz: …it’s not important. Regardless of whether it makes sense or not, Link almost always has the tools to deal with any situation. Some notable weapons of his include the Rune Bomb, a remotely-controlled bomb; the Clawshot, a grappling hook that can be used to latch onto surfaces and people; and the boomerang, which is, well, a boomerang.
Boomstick: And his countless adventures have also shown that Link is an intelligent individual. He frequently solves puzzles like…moving big rocks.
Wiz: But Link’s weapon of choice is none other than the famous Master Sword. Initially crafted by the goddess Hylia, crafted for her chosen hero to repel evil.
Boomstick: Link’s skills with a sword are no joke, either. He can spin around like a human helicopter to soar through the air, deliver heavy two-handed swings, or stab his opponents while somersaulting.
Wiz: And with the Master Sword comes the Hylian Shield. It’s almost completely indestructible, and will protect Link from all projectiles, as long as it’s facing towards the threat. It would take a massive amount of force for the shield to break.
Boomstick: That makes no sense.
Wiz: Video games don’t make a lot of sense, Boomstick. And having a shotgun for a leg doesn’t make any sense, either.
Boomstick: …
Wiz: Anyway, throughout the franchise, Link has overcome countless challenges. He’s defeated Ganondorf, Yuga, Cia, Wizzro, Volga, Ghirahim, and Majora.
Boomstick: Don’t forget that during the events of Super Smash Bros. Ultimate, he was the only fighter who managed to resist Galeem’s ultimate attack, just by using his shield. Unfortunately, he tripped, and he was vaporised. Because Sakurai needed to have his precious Kirby as the hero.
Wiz: Despite his incredible feats, Link isn’t without flaws. Switching between gear leaves Link totally exposed, so he’ll have to manage his items carefully in order to keep ahead of his opponent. Not only that, but many of his items, like the paraglider, are more suited for exploration rather than combat.
Boomstick: But hey, Link’s pros far outweigh his cons. After all, there is a reason why Link is Hyrule’s chosen champion.
(Shows Link saving Zelda from Yiga Clan members)
Raiden (Metal Gear)[]
(cue: "Dark Skies" - Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance)
Wiz: His name is Jack. Born as a Liberian-American, Jack orphaned at a young, after his parents were murdered. Jack was raised to be child soldier under the command of George Sears, AKA Solidus Snake.
Boomstick: To make matters worst, the man who murdered his parents was Solidus Snake. AND HE ALSO ADOPTED JACK! Man, talk about a shit childhood.
Wiz: Solidus decided to enlist Jack in the Liberian Civil War, where he became captain of his own commando unit in the Army of the Devil.
Boomstick: The Army of the Devil? *gasps* It's an actual army of...
Wiz: No, it's not an actual army of devils, you moron!
Boomstick: Aaah, goddammit!
Wiz: A natural harbinger of death, Jack's high kill count, eventually earned him multiple nicknames such as White Devil, and his most famous alias being Jack the Ripper. And he accomplished all of this when he was only ten years old.
Boomstick: Mother of God! Could you imagine what would happen is this kid reached puberty? If it ever even hits. I mean, even ten years later, he still looks like he's waiting for the old stones to drop.
Wiz: Some time after being abandoned by Solidus, Jack tried to live a normal life. To the point where he suppressed his memories about being a child soldier. He also eventually fell for a girl named Rose and eventually got her pregnant.
Boomstick: But despite his best suppressing his memories Jack' past life kept tormenting him. To make up for his past actions, Jack sought to right his wrongs by joining the special task force FOXHOUND. With them, he teamed up with the legendary soldier Solid Snake to take down some bad guys, destroy giant robots, go streaking and even kill dear old foster dad. All under his awesome new codename, Raiden.
Wiz: But, here is where's Raiden's problems began to appear. It turns out that Raiden was unknowingly a spy, controlled by the Patriots. And no, The Patriots aren't the football team. In the Metal Gear Universe, the Patriots is a secret organization manipulating the U.S. from behind the scenes and bent on dominating the world.
Boomstick: And here's it wear things get really confusing. You see it turns out that his girlfriend Rose was a spy for the Patriots, and that she was assigned to have Raiden fall for her. Which if that was the case, how come she ended getting pregnant and having Raiden's kid?
Wiz: Well first, she actually said she had a miscarriage and married Colonel Roy Campbell to trick Raiden, but it was really ploy to trick the Patriots...
Boomstick: Uh, Wiz?
Wiz: Yeah?
Boomstick: The plot of Metal Gear is already very complex and hard to understand for the average Joe, and we don't need you explaining it for the next 12 hours.
Wiz: Fair enough.
Boomstick: What Wiz was going to say is that Raiden and Rose managed to tie up loose ends and started a family with them, and their son. Now, can we please get back to the part where Raiden kills people?
Wiz: Very well then. One day, The Patriots, somehow managed to capture. It was there when Raiden was used as a test subject for exoskeletal enhancement surgery, transforming him into a superhuman cyborg ninja.
Boomstick: Now that's the shit I'm talking about!
Wiz: Originally, before his cybernetic enhancements, Raiden was an acrobatic specialist, had heighten agility and was an expert marksmen. But after having his body enhance, Raiden became a nigh unstoppable killing machine. He is fast enough to out run bullet trains and even run on walls.
Boomstick: Not to mention, he can to shit like this...
(Shows Raiden killing 10 gekkos at once)
Boomstick: That's one of the most awesome, and most ridiculous thing I've ever seen.
Wiz: And would you believe that that's all was self-taught?
Boomstick: What? You're shitting me aren't you?
Wiz: It's true. According to Jetstream Sam, when he and Raiden were fighting, he deduced that every tactic Raiden used was self-taught. And speaking of which, the blade that Raiden carries is known as a High-Frequency Blade. This blade is reinforced by a powerful alternating current and resonates at extremely high frequencies. As such, the High-Frequency Blade can weaken the molecular bonds of anything it cuts, which in term, means that Raiden's blade its capable of cutting through virtually anything.
Boomstick: He can also use his blade to enter into a super-mode known as a Zandatsu. This causes Raiden's perception of time to slow anywhere from roughly 50 to 90%, which gives him plenty of time to chop through his foes as precisely or as rapidly as he'd like. And if his chop a random cyborg at the right spot, Raiden can pull out the bastard's spine, crush it, and refuel himself instantly. Boomstick: And on top of all that, Raiden is ridiculously Strong! I mean, Raiden is capable of tossing both a Metal Gear RAY, AND Metal Gear EXCELSUS, WITH HIS BARE HANDS!
Wiz: Unfortunately though, there's no exact confirmation on how much Ray weighs. But by comparing RAY to a Metal Gear REX, which weighs roughly 557 tons, we can estimate it's weight to be well over 1000 tons. And that was with his older cyborg body. With his new cyborg body however, Raiden is stronger than before, since EXCELSUS appears to weigh even more than Metal Gear RAY.
Boomstick: But when things get crazy, Raiden will pretty much say "Screw Caution!" and deactivate his pain inhibitors. By doing so he will reenter his old Jack the Ripper personality, and this, somehow activate an alternate form known as the Ripper Mode.
Wiz: The Ripper Mode allows Raiden to easily slice through virtually anything without even entering in Blade Mode. Ironically though, by entering in Blade Mode, Raiden's Ripper Mode will instantly deactivate. The Ripper Mode isn't permanent though, as it requires Raiden's fuel supplies to keep him in said mode, which sadly burn out very quickly. Not to mention, Raiden become, uh... a bit insane when he's in this mode.
Boomstick: A BIT INSANE!? He becomes fucking nuts! Seriously, he's cackling like a madman after he got stabbed in the chest!
Wiz: And speaking of which, that does lead to several problems with Raiden For one Raiden doesn't contain real blood, since his blood was removed and replaced with artificial blood. As such, his blood must be changed in a similar fashion to oil in a car.
Boomstick: And because he doesn't fear death, Raiden does have a tendency to not give a shit about his own safety, and is willing to sacrifice himself to protect the weak and innocent. But when he enters his Ripper Mode, stay the fuck away from him!
(Shows Raiden about to fight Monsoon in Ripper Mode.)
DEATH BATTLE![]
Link is seen walking through a desert after having just defeated some tektites. He keeps walking until he encounters a blue motorcycle parked in front of him. He looks around at it cautiously, wondering if it's some sort of new creature. Just then, Raiden walked up to him and the bike.
Raiden: Hey, get away from my ride.
Link looks up at him and backs away, readying his sword.
Raiden: Put that thing away.
Raiden headed towards the bike, but before he got too close, Link sliced it in two.
Raiden: Hey! What the hell!?
Raiden got his sword out as Link took out his shield. They both got in their battle stances and looked at each other.
Fight![]
(cue: Tal Tal Heights - Super Smash Bros. Ultimate)
Link tried to skyward strike Raiden but he blocked it and parried the attack, attempting to chop off Links left arm, but Link saw the attack coming and blocked it with his shield. Raiden advanced with horizontal strikes on Link, who blocked each blow with the shield, which was getting more and more damaged with each strike. Raiden then went for a vertical slash and pushed forward, slowly cutting through Link's shield. Link realized what was happening and pushed Raiden off him. While Raiden was vulnerable, Link went for a vertical strike on Raiden's arm, and then attempted to stab Raiden in the ribs, but Raiden blocked it. The two backed away from each other with their swords steadied.
Raiden: Don't fuck with me, kid.
Link shot light beams from the Master Sword, which startled Raiden and knocked him over on his back. Link attempted another skyward strike, only this time, it worked, and Link stabbed Raiden through his stomach.
Raiden screamed in pain.
(music stops)
Raiden started chuckling as he grabbed the Master Sword by the blade and lifted it out of him.
Jack the Ripper: You didn't think you'd kill me that easily, did you?
Link, shocked, started to back away and reach for his bow.
Jack the Ripper: Oh no you don't!
Raiden ran at Link lightning fast and sliced him in half diagonally. He then walked away, clutching his wound.
Results[]
Boomstick: Well, that should satisfy his thirst for revenge.
Wiz: Honestly, this one wasn't even close. While Link might have way more weapons and tools than Raiden, he was outmatched in literally every other category.
Boomstick: We honestly don't really know what else to say. It was just that unfair.
Wiz: The winner is Raiden.
