Description[]
Cars vs Twisted Metal, which if these two off-road racers with access to machine guns and missiles will win in a battle to the death? Will Lightning go ka-boom? Or will Needles be shocked by Lightning's fighting skills?
Rules[]
- Sweet Tooth will not be able to use the Sweet Bot.
- Lightning can use the weapons in the Cars video games.
Interlude[]
Wiz: Vehicles were first slow and uncomfortable, used only to get from point A to point B. Eventually, they became used worldwide.
Boomstick: Then humanity made them better and eventually used them for entertainment. Racing.
Wiz: And nothing screams racing like these two.
Boomstick: Lightning McQueen, the veteran Piston Cup race car.
Wiz: And Sweet Tooth, the violent contender of the dangerous Twisted Metal.
Boomstick: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick!
Wiz: And it's our job to analyse their weapons, armour and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
Lightning McQueen[]
Wiz: In our Earth, NASCAR is a loud, fun, sporting event that only the best drivers can participate in.
Boomstick: But in the Cars universe, NASCAR is called the Piston Cup, and the number one driver? Lightning McQueen.
(Lightning McQueen: Ka-chow!)
Wiz: Montgomery McQueen - yes, that's his real name - is a 40 year old racer who was once arrogant, cocky and selfish, before accidentally landing himself in Radiator Springs and learning how to slow down and enjoy life.
Boomstick: As a racecar, Lightning is incredibly fast. He has 750 horsepower, he can go from 0-60 in 3.2 seconds and can reach speeds of up to 198 miles per hour.
Wiz: Being an anthropomorphic car, he can jump in the air and even drift around to navigate uneven terrain or to avoid obstacles. He can tilt on two wheels to fit through tight spaces or-
Boomstick: Bash into someone to send them flying? Yeah, he can do that. He can even do that to huge semi trucks without breaking a sweat.
Wiz: But I know what you must be thinking - 'How can Lightning fight, he's just a car. He doesn't even have fingers!' And to that-
Boomstick: And to that, I say 'Bullcrap'. He has plenty of weapons that he...stores in the sides of his...doors? Sides? Hips? What'd ya call those?
Wiz: Probably just 'Sides'. Anyway, most of Lightning's weapons are simple, but deadly. He has Rapid Fire, a huge Gatling Gun which causes other cars to spin out or even explode.
Boomstick: He has many types of missiles, some target the racer in first place, some home in on the car in front of him, he can shoot three at a time, or even bombs that he can 'throw', I mean, lob in front or behind him.
Wiz: He can place down mines that explode once they're run into, or some that explode once they hit the ground. He can place down Spike Strips that slow down approaching cars by popping their tyres and a Skate Jack, which drives under a car and launches them in the air.
Boomstick: He can lay down an oil slick to make opponents slip, a Nullifier, which destroys ever opponent's weapons, and even A DAMN SATTELITE LASER WHICH CAN EXPLODE OTHER CARS! Ha! Those are my new favourite video games.
Wiz: The High Voltage weapon, when activated, can spin out anyone who touches its electrical field, the Booster Jets let him fly at rocket-like speeds and the Magnetic Mine sticks to the back of cars, forcing Lightning to side-bash someone to pass it on before it explodes.
Boomstick: How-Ho-How was he so useless in Cars 2, then?
Wiz: Because it was Mater's movie. Anyway, Lightning can even use his 'Lucky sticker' to reflect light into someone's eyes, which can momentarily blind them.
Boomstick: But that's useless, so let's move on.
Wiz: He can also Boost. When he collects enough...Nitro, he can boost, blasting him forwards for a short time. If that's filled up enough, he can enter 'The Zone', it gives Lightning a huge burst of speed and a forcefield that spins out anyone he touches and can block missiles.
Boomstick: And if that's not enough, he can turn into a goddamn monster truck!
Wiz: Lightning's monster truck form gives Lightning extra power and strength, but he's not as fast and is WAY heavier.
Boomstick: He doesn't slip as much on slippery surfaces and he doesn't even need to drift or 'powerslide' and like most monster truck, he can crush tinier cars like the ants they are, just like a real monster truck. He also just looks...far too stupid.
Wiz: So...He looks just like you?
Boomstick: Hey! Shut up!
Wiz: Lightning McQueen is able to react and jump to avoid incoming rockets, keep in mind, the slowest rockets can move up to 500 miles per hour, and he could just avoid it!
Boomstick: He can tank being hit by a missile and being launched into the air, and keep on racing perfectly.
Wiz: He can expertly navigate large crashes without hitting any other cars and escaping without a scratch. A crash with 30 or so cars.
Boomstick: He could even keep up with most of the next-generation cars in Cars 3, even though they were specifically built to be faster than the older models. He can drive over 100 to 150 laps without his tyres blowing out or needing an oil change.
Wiz: His tyres are really something special. They can survive rolling over spike strips, falling from high altitudes, survive being hit by a missile or bomb and even a large crash, like the one in Cars 3.
Boomstick: He is one of the best all-around cars in the world, as stated in the World Grand Prix, as he is able to survive in all sorts of different terrains like sand, ice, snow and dirt or mud.
Wiz: But he isn't the perfect racer. While his wins far outweigh his losses, he has lost to a number of cars before, such as Francesco Bernoulli and Jackson Storm.
Boomstick: His boost is limited and if he uses it up, he will have to wait until he can get it back before he can boost again. Also, if he is hit with a missile, he doesn't get destroyed, and he will need a moment to speed up again.
Wiz: And sometimes, if things don't go his way, he can lash out at people like Mater after he caused Lightning to lose a race and Cruz Ramirez after the Thunder Hollow demolition derby.
Boomstick: He also doesn't know his limits. While this can be good, as he has a never-give-up attitude, if he tries to push past those limits he can trip up, like when he tried to pass Jackson Storm and ended up crashing.
Wiz: While he may not look it, Lightning McQueen is able to keep on trucking to win that Piston Cup, no matter how many missiles or other cars are in his way.
(Lightning McQueen: Woah, woah, easy now, Mater. You know who you're talking to? This is Lightning McQueen. I can handle anything!)
Sweet Tooth[]
(Main Theme - Twisted Metal (2012)
Wiz: The annual Twisted Metal tournament attracts some of the most unhinged and crazy people, they use their cars to shoot missiles, bombs and bullets into others, crashing through buildings, all to have their greatest wish granted.
Boomstick: One of these drivers is Needles Kane, the clown with a flaming head,
driver of the Sweet Tooth ice cream truck. Before he was a psychopathic clown, he was Marcus Kane with a family of his own.
Wiz: But Marcus Kane had an evil split-personality problem. This person, Needles, desperately wished for freedom, eventually causing Marcus to give in. Once wearing a clown mask, Needles overtook Marcus, and he became nothing more than memory. Needles had taken over.
Boomstick: Needles is driven by two things: Murder and ice cream. He murdered anyone he could find, including his wife and kids, except his daughter, who stabbed him and booked it. His affinity with ice cream eventually lead him to creating ice cream cone missiles and napalm bombs.
Wiz: Unfortunately for Needles, his daughter escaped death. Needles was found by the founder of Twisted Metal, Calypso, and entered him in the contest. Winning Twisted Metal would mean that he could finally track his daughter down and kill her.
Boomstick: Damn. All that destruction for one girl?
Wiz: Yep.
Boomstick: Needles kills people as violently as he can, up close and personal. He's able to accomplish this with his giant serrated machete, look at that thing!. He also has a chainsaw if he wants to get messy, or if he wants to be a lumberjack, it doesn't really matter.
Wiz: He also has landmines and a 12-Gauge Shotgun. As well as explosives such as Molotov cocktails and a rocket launcher, just to kill someone quickly. His serrated machete was able to splatter windows in blood from just one stab.
Boomstick: Needles admitted to killing over 1000 people after he was arrested and convicted to get the electric chair. He was found by someone named Preacher, who cursed him to suffer through the fires of hell, which means having your head burst into flames, 'cause what's reality in Twisted Metal?
Wiz: To compete in Twisted Metal, he needed a vehicle, and what he chose was something almost unstoppable. The Sweet Tooth ice cream van. This Chevrolet van carries front-mounted spikes, Gatling guns on either side of it and homing ice cream missiles.
Boomstick: The Sweet Tooth also has the Laughing Ghost, the clown head on top of the Sweet Tooth is actually a goddamn homing missile which goes through walls, it even has a sniper and different types of missiles like Fire, Freeze and Stalker.
Wiz: The Fire missile is a missile that lights opponents on fire, the Freeze missiles freeze people in place when they're hit and allow for Needles to get an extra hit on them.
Boomstick: The Stalker Missiles are chargeable. The longer the missiles are charged, the more accurate they will be. At full power, it's nearly unstoppable. The Swarmer Missiles release a barrage of small missiles and the Power Missiles do lots of damage and are incredibly fast, but they can only travel in a straight line.
Wiz: Needles can also place down landmines, which can be used to set a trap or just to cause destruction, he even has Proximity Mines, which explode when someone is near.
Boomstick: The Sweet Tooth even has a flamethrower at the back to stop other cars from sneaking up on him, it can even jump to avoid projectiles, it's not a super large jump, but hey! Still a jump.
Wiz: The Sweet Tooth is like a small tank, able to get shot by bullets or missiles multiple times and keep on driving, it can even crash through buildings and keep on driving.
Boomstick: But even out of the Sweet Tooth, Needles is one tough cookie. He was tough enough to survive a scissor stab to the face! He was able to survive the 2,000 volts of electricity from the electric chair! And then he got to walk free.
Wiz: What? No, he didn't 'walk free'. Anyway, despite the fact that normal people would have their eyes melted, muscles paralysed, body burned and heart stopped, he was fine.
Boomstick: But Needles busted out and killed everybody in the multiple story building as well as the police that have tried to stop him. He's even strong enough to casually throw people through a reinforced window and throw his machete with fatal accuracy.
Wiz: But Needles is far from unstoppable. He has been killed before by Calypso after being tricked and ending up in his daughter's coffin, underground, because she was dead. What a way to waste a wish!
Boomstick: He's been played for a fool more times than not, owing to the fact that he isn't the sharpest tool in the shed. Despite his high-kill count, he has managed to fail sometimes, like when he failed to murder Sophie Kane, who forever escaped.
Wiz: Needles is also insane and doesn't think things through. He can run into traps since he's so dedicated or distracted, whatever you wanna call it. Even after winning Twisted Metal, he wished for a paper bag. Thinking it was his friend.
Boomstick: Wha-? Who'd-Wh- WHAT? So he coulda wished for money, power or women, but he chose a PAPER BAG?! Hey, e-mails exist ya know!
Wiz: Even with his faults, Needles never fails to get his kill.
(Needles: Light 'em up, boys!)
Intermission[]
Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set. Let's end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLE!!!!
Polls[]
Death Battle[]
Lightning McQueen: Speed. I...am...speed.
Mater: Go McQueen!
Lightning opens his eyes and looks at the dirt track. Next to Mater is an instrument that measures speed. Lightning's back wheels spin and he takes off. It was recently raining at the dirt track, causing Lightning to spray mud everywhere. Needles Kane hears the commotion coming from the racetrack, such as an engine revving and laughing (From Mater). Needles walks up to the track, holding an ice cream.
Mater: Whoo! Go buddy!
Lightning blasts past the speed-measuring instrument, which reads 196 miles per hour. Lightning drifts around the corner, spraying mud everywhere. Unfortunately, the mud splatters on Needles, ruining his ice cream. He looks at the ruined ice cream hit the floor and he walks off.
Lightning: Whoo! I'm feelin' good today! This Piston Cup's in the BAG!
Needles arrives back at the racetrack, in his Sweet Tooth. Lightning sees the new car and slams on the brakes.
Lightning: Wait. Who are you?
Needles doesn't respond, instead, his gatling guns emerge from the side of the truck and start to spin.
Mater: Dad-gum!
Lightning screams and quickly starts to peel away, the gatling guns firing where Lightning was a few seconds earlier.
Needles: I hate when they run.
Needles enters the race track and starts to chase Lightning down. Lightning hears the car and starts to speed up.
Needles: You're roadkill...
Needles fires his gatling guns at Lightning again, who drifts around and starts driving backwards to see him. The bullets whiz by him and a gatling gun appears out of Lightning's side compartments.
Lightning: You wanna go? Let's race!
He fires his gatling gun at Needles, who's armoured plating stops the attack. Needles fires his guns at Lightning, causing him to yell and do the serpentine maneuver, which slows him down. Needles catches up to him and starts slowly pushing Lightning into the wall. As Lightning edges closer and closer to the wall, he's forced to go on two wheels to avoid scraping across the wall.
Lightning: Argh!
Suddenly, Lightning slams on the brakes, escaping the dangerous situation and appearing behind the Sweet Tooth. He activates his missiles, but flames shoot out of the Sweet Tooth, causing him to scream and slow down even more.
Needles: Must've scared him off.
Lightning appears at the side of the Sweet Tooth and side-bashes into Needles, causing him to drift along the mud. Lightning side-bashes the Sweet Tooth three more times, but on the fifth time, the Sweet Tooth jumps in the air. Lightning hits the brakes to avoid being crushed. Needles sticks his head out the window and drops a landmine, which Lightning swerves to avoid. Lightning fires his missiles, which explode at the back of the Sweet Tooth, Needles is barely phased by the missiles.
Lightning catches up to the Sweet Tooth and they start to race side-by-side. Lightning side-bashes the Sweet Tooth, causing Needles to lose control and exit the racetrack. Lightning makes a quick turn and also leaves the race track.
Mater: Uh...Buddy?
Now on open streets, Lightning is much faster. He speeds up and starts to pass out the Sweet Tooth, but he uses the PIT maneuver and sends Lightning spinning out of control. He stops in the middle of the road and fires three missiles at the Sweet Tooth, two hit the truck while one hits a house and explodes.
Lightning: Sorry!
Lightning meets up with Needles, who stares directly at Lightning, not even watching the road! Needles turns around, still driving the truck and grabs a rocket launcher, which he aims right at Lightning.
Needles: Bye, bye, 95.
Lightning points his lucky sticker at Needles, the sun reflects off the sticker and lands right in Needle's eyes, blinding him.
Lightning: Ka-chow!
Lightning speeds up while Needles is blinded and drops an oil slick. The Sweet Tooth slips on the oil, and combined with Needle's momentary blindness, starts to spin out. The Sweet Tooth slams into a building and Lightning brakes. Turning around to look at the Sweet Tooth. Needles regains his sight and reverses his truck.
Lightning: Uh-oh.
The Sweet Tooth charges full force at Lightning while blasting it's gatling guns.
Needles: YOU'RE ROADKILL! ROADKILL! YOU HEAR ME, LITTLE RED?
Lightning guns his engine, but the Sweet Tooth quickly speeds up, the front-mounted spikes almost touching Lightning. Needles laughs evilly and prepares his 12-gauge shotgun. Lightning activates his Boost and outruns the Sweet Tooth.
Needles: Damn.
Lightning turns around and starts driving backwards, firing missiles and his gatling gun. The missiles don't do much to the car, but the bullets break the windshield of the Sweet Tooth.
Needles: Gotcha!
Needles pulls out his rocket launcher and fires, the missile slams into Lightning, sending him into the air. Lightning screams, but eventually falls back to the ground. Needles slams his fist on the steering wheel, frustrated. Lightning uses Boost to catch up to Needles and side-bashes him. Needles slams back into Lightning, who side-bashes Needles again and slams on the brakes.
Needles: Wha-?
Before he can get that sentence out, the Magnetic Mine on the back of his car explodes, sending him into another building. He throws a Molotov Cocktail to stop Lightning from following him as he charges up his Stalker missile. Lightning drives forward at full speed and jumps over the flame, before activating his Nullifier and disabling the missile.
Needles: YOU ARE DEAD!
Needles takes out his shotgun and rocket launcher and starts firing them simultaneously, Lightning screams, and a rocket shell pushes him backwards, skidding and spinning along the concrete.
Lightning: Argh...Sheesh.
Needles runs out of ammo of both the weapons and is satisfied with the damage he'd done to McQueen. Lightning backs away, but Needles stops his car and hops out, dragging a giant machete on the floor as he slowly walks toward Lightning.
Needles: I can't wait to watch you die...
While backing away, Lightning activates his gatling gun and starts to spin it. Needles walks forward, chuckling. Lightning also starts to chuckle, before charging at Needles at full force and running him over. Needles groans in pain and starts to get to his feet, but Lightning lets a bullet loose, which strikes Needle's mask. The bullet cracks the mask, but it doesn't injure Needles. He runs back to his car and gets in.
Needles: Damn car. Gave me a broken ribcage! YOU'RE DEAD.
Lightning: And YOU'RE insane!
Needles activates his missiles and so does Lightning. The missiles collide, sending the two skidding across the road. Lightning gasps and drives away, back to the mud track. Needles follows, activating his missiles along the way, which Lightning jumps over. Lightning enters the muddy racetrack, and Needles follows. Lightning activates Boost and speeds around the track, ending up behind Needles.
Needles: Idiot.
Needles activates the Sweet Tooth's flamethrower, burning Lightning and causing him to yell in pain. Needles laughs at Lightning's scream of pain, enjoying his misery. Lightning, fuelled with anger (and gas), activates his Sattelite Blitz.
Lightning: Ka-boom.
In black and white, the laser blasts through the Sweet Tooth and blows up. A few wheels land next to McQueen. Miraculously, Needles coughs from somewhere near the wreckage. He gets out of the car and looks at Lightning.
Needles: You!
Lightning activates his bombs and fires them at Needles. As Needles watches them fly toward him, he sighs. The bombs explode violently and Lightning closes his eyes. When he opens them, he sees the Sweet Tooth on fire, but the driver is nowhere to be seen.
Lightning drives off, speeding back to Radiator Springs, while the Sweet Tooth continues burning.
Conclusion[]
(Rascal Flatts - Life is a Highway)
Boomstick: YES! OH, that was AWESOME! But how did Sweet Tooth lose to someone like Lightning McQueen, who's been in G-rated things only?
Wiz: Sweet Tooth was certainly a worthy opponent for McQueen, with similar weapons and durability, the battle could've gone either way.
Boomstick: McQueen had speed in the bag, obviously, but he also had a maneuverability advantage.
Wiz: He also had plenty of counter-options for Sweet Tooth's weaponry. He had his own gatling gun, and plenty of missiles to help him in the fight. He even had other types of weapons that could throw off the psychopathic clown, like Spike Strips and the Nullifier, which could pop his tyres, forcing him out of his car or destroying his weapons.
Boomstick: But what about strength? Wasn't Sweet Tooth stronger than Lightning?
Wiz: Yes. Both in and out of his car, Sweet Tooth was the stronger fighter, but in a Death Battle, and especially ones like these, a strength advantage could help, but overall won't decide the outcome of a fight.
Boomstick: Durability wise, they were pretty even, they were both able to go face-to-face with missiles and come out on top, so that was almost irrelevant.
Wiz: And while strength might not be everything, speed certainly was. While the top speed of the Sweet Tooth is unknown, Lightning can exceed 190 miles per hour, while Sweet Tooth's speed stats in Twisted Metal are fairly average, it was once described as a 'bathtub on wheels'.
Boomstick: Versatility was also a big factor here and Lightning took it yet again. While Needle's absurd amount of missiles and bombs were something special, he had no defense against things like the Satellite Blitz and Skate Jack.
Wiz: He also didn't have anything like the Oil Slicks and Spike Strips, making it unlikely that he would know about these items and have time to accommodate for them. Needles also prefers killing violently and closely instead of far away and behind a wheel, and given his insanity it's not a stretch to say that he would want to kill McQueen in the same way, requiring him to get close.
Boomstick: Also, Lightning has plenty of techniques that he can use to give him an environmental advantage like driving backwards or driving on two wheels, handy for getting him out of tough situations or to multitask by driving and fighting.
Wiz: Lightning's side-bash is also pretty powerful. It's able to cause massive trucks like Mack to be pushed some distance away, meaning it's not a stretch to say that he could at least manage to mildly annoy Needles and slightly push him away.
Boomstick: Also, if he needed a bit more power, he could always transform into a monster truck for a little help, meaning that he could -if not crush the Sweet Tooth- do significant damage to it.
Wiz: Overall, while Sweet Tooth and Lightning were pretty even all things aside, Lightning's equal durability, greater speed, agility, versatility and unpredictability gave him the win.
Boomstick: Needles almost had a victory on his hands, but McQueen was able to turn it around as fast as lightning.
Wiz: The winner is Lightning McQueen.
