| Lapis Lazuli vs. Weather Report | |
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| Season 1, Episode 5 | |
Vital statistics
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| Air date | Unknown |
| Written by | DayBefore |
| Directed by | DayBefore |
Episode guide
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| Previous | Next |
| Risotto Nero vs. Skarlet | ??? |
Lapis Lazuli vs. Weather Report is a What-If? Death Battle by DayBefore, pitting Lapis Lazuli of Steven Universe against Weather Report of JoJo's Bizarre Adventure.
Description[]
SU against JJBA in a battle of angsty elementals with a lot of grudges to bear against the world! With all the powers of the climate versus immense control over water itself, whose righteous fury will prove victorious?
Interlude[]
Wiz: Lapis Lazuli, physical proof of the horrors of Homeworld's war on Earth.
Boomstick: And Weather Report, physical proof that Green Dolphin Street Prison is one messed-up place!
Wiz: Defined by their mysterious backgrounds, their respective powers are treated as highly destructive by all characters in their settings.
Boomstick: So we're gonna make them fight!
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
Lapis[]
(Cue I Am Lapis Lazuli)
Wiz: Long ago, during humanity's youngest years, Earth was a warzone between two factions of the same alien race. The Homeworld Gems, fighting for a new planet to colonize, and the Crystal Gems, standing up for the life that inhabited it.
Boomstick: Then Lapis Lazuli strolled in, got caught in the crossfire, and got turned into a mirror. You know, just war things!
Wiz: Eventually, she found herself in the possession of the Crystal Gems, who respected her memory by...using her mirror form as a glorified teaching tool to recite facts. You know. Just hero things.
Boomstick: It wasn't some millennia later 'til Steven (motherfucking Quartz) Universe rolled around that Lapis busted out with his help. And boy was she pissed!
Wiz: Her first instinct was not to bother with Earth, so she constructed a tower out of the ocean itself to try to make it back to Homeworld. You know, just rational things!
Boomstick: You killed the joke.
Wiz: Let me have this. Anyways, after Steven proposes the much more rational plan of just healing her wings, Lapis goes on her merry way to Homeworld, and all is well and good.
Boomstick: Or so she thinks!
Wiz: Quickly finding that Homeworld isn't what it used to be, Lapis is taken prisoner by the Quartz soldier Jasper and used as her informant on the Crystal Gems under Yellow Diamond's orders. Jasper lays siege on the remaining Crystal Gems with Lapis in tow, but when things go south, Jasper forcibly fuses with her, forming the incredibly unstable Malachite. Lapis still manages to maintain enough dominance to imprison herself and Jasper into the ocean as Malachite, straining her already fragile mental state.
Garnet: Yikes. Those two are really bad for each other.
Boomstick: So Lapis stays canned in the ocean for a season and BAM! Malachite's back! ...And defeated in a single episode. Lapis is recovered. Jasper isn't.
Wiz: Finally having a home to fight for, we can observe the extent of Lapis's abilities when she has motivation and her full arsenal.
Boomstick: Up until Ocean Gem, Gems usually had pretty straightforward weapons. Shields, gauntlets, spears, whips, 'til Lapis rolls around, says "fuck that noise" and just straight-up has hydrokinesis as her weapon. Sure, whatever! Her go-to assault is forming giant hands from water, capable of pinning down the likes of Garnet, and smacking down a highly-advanced gem ship with enough force to half-bury the damn thing. She can make multiple, different clones with the exact strength of the originals, drown people with head bubbles, and on top of all that, she can fly with water wings!
Wiz: It should be noted that Lapis's powers don't fall under the This Looks Like A Job For Aquaman pitfall in that Lapis doesn't need excess amounts of water to be effective, as she can generate a hand the size of a two-story barn with only a relatively shallow pool at her disposal. Her water wings also seem to be innate, as she's shown generating them straight from her back as opposed to forming them from a nearby water source.
Boomstick: Sounds great! Only problem is, Lapis sucks at fighting directly. She's not nimble like Pearl or bulky like Jasper, so fighting her close-up is a good way to get a few punches in.
Wiz: Regardless, Lapis Lazuli's ruthless mindset puts her in a position where she can very easily dominate foes, perhaps the strongest of the Crystal Gems.
Lapis: I'm Lapis Lazuli, and you can't keep me trapped here anymore!
Weather[]
(Cue Weather Report - Birdland)
Wiz: In 1972, America, a boy named Domenico Pucci was born on June 5th, alongside his twin brother, Enrico Pucci. On the same night, a woman lost her infant in a miscarriage. Having fallen to despair, she commits a heinous crime in the heat of the moment: swapping her dead child with Domenico.
Boomstick: Henceforth, Domenico Pucci became Wes Bluemarine, AKA "Weather", a pretty unremarkable guy, 'cept for his unnatural aim at throwing cans at thieves.
Wiz: That act in particular caught the attention of Pearla Pucci, who he would go on to date, unbeknownst to either of them that they were, in fact, brother and sister.
Boomstick: Didn't take long for Enrico to find out at a church confessional where Weather's adoptive mom came clean about the baby-swap, and boy, he did not take the news well when he found out they were dating.
Wiz: Sworn to an oath as priest, Enrico can't directly tell anyone of Mrs. Bluemarine's confession, so he has to resort to other means of separating Weather and Pearla, calling upon the help of a private investigator to forcibly split up.
Boomstick: Little did he know, that private investigator had some buddies in the KKK, and he got pissed when it turned out Mister Bluemarine was black. One big old tragedy later, Weather is hung, Pearla throws herself off a cliff, and Enrico's wondering why everything went so wrong.
Wiz: At the scene of Pearla's body, Enrico ends up inadvertently piercing himself with a Stand arrowhead, granting him the Stand called Whitesnake, which, in turn, gives Weather the Stand called...Weather Report.
Boomstick: Let's talk about Weather Report, the Stand, for a goddamn minute!
Wiz: Perhaps one of the most versatile powers in JoJo, Weather Report's main ability deals in manipulating climate. From the wind to the waves, Weather Report has vast and precise control of its surroundings, foiling many of a nihilistic Wes's suicide attempts, jamming guns with water vapor, blowing him to safety after cliff-jumps, et cetera, et cetera.
Boomstick: And that's not even half the crazy shit his Stand can do. He can create hurricanes up to 280 MPH, punch a grown man hard enough to launch him into a car door and destroy it, electrocute or ignite people on contact, and even freezing blood to create razor-sharp spikes!
Wiz: But when Weather's memories are returned, his most dangerous ability is revived too. Heavy Weather, Weather's sub-Stand with a huge area-of-effect. At first glance, Heavy Weather's only power seems to be to generate rainbows. Then people start turning into snails. Weaponizing the power of subliminal messages, anyone who comes into contact with the numerous rainbows, which can spread over the distance of a large town, will start turning into a snail. Or at least, they'll believe they're turning into a snail, physically causing them to start becoming a snail, maybe? ...It's best explained by the antagonist.
Enrico Pucci: But, humans can age faster by willing themselves to do so, and give themselves ulcers just by being stressed. Once the heart is impacted by this effect, it doesn't how matter how hard one tries to block it out of his mind.
Boomstick: It gets better! ...Worse! It ain't just rainbows that you have to watch out for; once snails start showing up everywhere, touching those have the same effect as the rainbows! It's like a zombie plague, except with snail abominations instead of zombies. Snabominations.
Wiz: Weather, unfortunately, has no control over Heavy Weather, the physical manifestation of his rage at Enrico Pucci, so it's implied that the effect will last until either one of them dies. The blind, being unable to see the subliminal messages in the rainbows and snails, are completely immune to Heavy Weather as well. Also worth noting is that, for all intents and purposes, he's still a normal human, and dies in Part 6 shortly after getting impaled through the chest.
Boomstick: Unfortunate side-effects aside, your friendly neighborhood weatherman has the potential to fuck your shit sideways with all the power of the atmosphere if you look at him funny.
Weather: I'm going to be the one to kill Pucci. And after I kill him, kill me. Understand?
Prefight (read for context, skip for the fight)[]
"What...is this?" Pearl stood in the streets of Beach City, blade clutched tight in preparation for battle. When she'd heard the initial screams, she expected a towering Gem monster, but what she got was far stranger. For it looked to be a normal day in the bustling oceanside town. No property damage, no blood... Literally sunshine and rainbows.
Oh, and everybody was turning into snails. Left and right, it was different for each person. Mayor Dewey just looked to be wearing an oversized shell on his back, whereas Onion and Sadie seemed to have almost completed their unfortunate metamorphosis, with only hair and clothes to differentiate them. "At least have the dignity to show yourself! I'm the one you want!" She fired energy bolts from the tip of her spear in a desperate effort to draw out the enemy, met with only silence.
"Peeeeaarrrrrlll!" She turned around, met with a face she was both relieved and terrified to see.
"Steven!" Without hesitation, she embraced him in a smothering hug. Half-Gem, half-human, and not a single trace of snail.
In his optimistic eyes, there lied fear and confusion, breaking away from the hug quickly. "P-Pearl, what's happening? There's no monster anywhere!"
Pearl's smile faltered, overlooking the town's streets, overrun with terrified denizens. "I know. As far as I'm aware, there looks to be two ways people are turning. Are you listening? Making contact with the snails, or the people turned into snails, and those rainbows. They're everywhere, there has to be some kind of connection—"
"THE SNAIL UPRISING IS UPON US! DON YOUR TINFOIL HATS, EVERYONE!" Dammit, she got carried away! The Fryman's eldest son was an inch away from Steven, about to grab his leg before Pearl intervened, cleanly slicing off the reaching arm.
"That was close. Remind me not to get so carried away next...time." She glanced downward, feeling something slimy. Ronaldo's severed arm was still touching her foot. "Oh no."
"Pearl, you're gonna be alright, right? You cut it off, didn't you?" He took a step forward, trying to reassure himself as much as he tried to reassure Pearl. Suddenly, she summoned her spear, holding it at Steven's chin.
"...Don't get any closer. It's too late for me." Her legs began to shake, before collapsing altogether. A spiral resembling a snail's shell was already beginning to form on her back. She whipped her head back, shooting a commanding glare at him. "F-Find Lapis. She can take you somewhere safe. I know she will."
"Pearl..." He shook his head slowly. "I'm not gonna just... You know I can't!" The Crystal Gems had babied him from the beginning. Running away from the problem was what he wanted least.
"...Go, Steven." Her voice was flat. Defeated. Steven hesitated, wiped his eyes, and sprinted off. He would save everybody, he resolved. Rose Quartz would do that much, after all...
---
Jolyne Kujo stepped outside the hospital, and found herself only able to gawk. Rainbows had flooded the area, a beautifully bizarre sight had it not been for the abundance of snails, and people transforming into them. "Versace, what the hell did you do...?" Her glare turned to him, held captive against a pole by Stone Free's threads.
He chuckled grimly, blood sputtering from his lips. "You're fucked, but I am too, so I might as well spill... Weather's got his memory back."
"You're saying Weather's responSIBLE—" Hermes stomped over to Versace and tripped, her legs fusing together into a snail's tail. "—For this shit?!"
"Yeah, like hell! Weather wouldn't just sic his Stand on the entire fucking town!" Jolyne huffed.
A silhouette walked out from the shadows of the building, revealing a face that made her blood boil. Pucci... Jolyne's nose furled, losing her civility by the second. His expression was unpressed, disgustingly calm with the situation at hand.
"This is the power I kept sealed, Versace. Though thinking before acting was never your strong spot, evidently." Something resembling a scowl crossed his face for a moment, before calmly turning to Jolyne. "Regardless of his intention, this is Weather's doing. His Stand's untapped ability, Heavy Weather, poses a threat to everyone. For your sake and mine, I suggest you dispose of him."
Her eyes flickered, and suddenly, Jolyne was in Pucci's face, gripping him by the collar. "I'm not gonna 'dispose' of Weather, for your goddamn information. The only one getting 'disposed' by the end of today is gonna be you the minute I find a way to fix this." His eyes were dull, making no effort to defend himself.
"Shit, Jolyne!" Hermes pointed to the open streets. "That fucker Versace, he's gettin' away! He might be able to suppress Weather's memories if he can unlock 'em!" Jolyne let go of Pucci, cursing under her breath while she urgently scanned the area for the blonde.
"J-Jolyne, Hermes!" Her head whipped from Hermes to Emporio, clamoring to the shade of the hospital. "This isn't Weather, is it?! This isn't a climate phenomenon—it's—it's supernatural!"
"As much as I hate to admit it..." Jolyne leaned against one of the pillars and gazed off, unable to meet the kid's eyes. "We're gonna end it non-lethally, Emporio. Don't worry a hair on your little head. Just watch out for the snails, and the..." Her eyes widened, drawn to something behind Emporio; cloud had formed, at ground level. "The rainbow! Emporio, move it!" Acting quick, Jolyne kicked him aside, taking the full brunt of the spectrum.
"Ugh..." Emporio blinked slowly, gingerly rubbing his now-bruised shoulder as he rose from the bushes.
"Hey, Emporio...you okay? Mighta used a bit too much force..."
He shook his head. "I-It's nothing, but..." A gasp bursted from his lips. "JOLYNE!" Her body had already begun the horrid transformation, fallen to the ground under a thick layer of mucus. "It's my fault! You're—you're gonna turn into an snail and it's my fault—"
"Emporio!" Jolyne smiled. "Shut up!"
"What?"
"I'm Jolyne Motherfucking Kujo, you know I'll make it! Hermes and I are gonna go after Versace, and you..." She pointed. "...Are gonna go find Weather and Annasui. They're tough...you're safer with them than us right now. Alright?"
"Well said." Hermes ribbed Jolyne, now that they were both under the transformation. "Keep your chin up, kid! We got this!"
Through quivering lips, Emporio forced a nod, and started running as far as his legs could carry him. "Okay!"
DEATH BATTLE![]
"Dammit, Weather!" Annasui yelled, throwing his arms in the air. "Calm the fuck down! I didn't drag you to this nice-ass scenery for nothing!"
"Thank you, Annasui, it's a nice pond." Weather was seated on a bench, lounging with his legs out. "I still have an insatiable lust for revenge that dates back while you were probably shitting your diapers, but I'm glad I'm here birdwatching while I could be using this opportunity to kill Pucci." He said, in his usual gravelly monotone. Black clouds formed above, spiking the water with lightning every few seconds to alleviate his boredom. Annasui groaned, perched like an owl on top of the bench to avoid the snails.
"W-Weather! Annasuiiii! It's urgent!" A voice cried in the near distance.
"Kid's here."
Weather laid a palm on his aged features. "Why here, why now?"
---
Meanwhile, a certain Steven Universe was having other problems, running down the empty road leading out of Beach City. "Gotta get to the barn, gotta get to the barn!" He huffed, praying that the 'sneople' hadn't claimed Lapis too. "Wait, who's..." He squinted; someone else was walking down the road ahead of him, distinctly blue. "No way, that's... Lapis! Hey, Lapis, wait up!" With renewed hope, he picked up the pace, skidding to a halt when she turned around, understandably caught off-guard.
"Steven?" Her ironed frown became a dropped jaw, absolutely bewildered by his decided lack of sneatures (snail features). "Were you...looking for me?"
"Yup. I mean, Pearl told me to run away with you, but that doesn't really jive much with me. Instead, I was thinking that we find the base of the problem, analyze it, and tackle it, as a team!" Steven smacked his fist against his palm enthusiastically. "Speaking of team... What happened to Peridot?"
There was a noticeable hesitation before Lapis responded. "Snailed. That's...kind of why I'm out and about right now." She leaned over the road railing, her attention drawn to a mass of storm clouds. "Steven, I think we've found the base of our problem." Water wings sprouted from her back. "Hop on."
---
"I told you, Emporio, there's no reasoning with him."
"Annasui, please! Your Stand isn't isolated here, Weather! It's all over the town! Everyone's morphing into snails!" Emporio shook him by the shoulder in a desperate effort to rouse him into action. "And...Jolyne and Hermes turned to..." A palpable shiver ran down Weather's spine, standing up reluctantly from the bench. "Where...where are they?"
"Uh, Weather, we've got company!" Annasui punched him across the shoulder, gesturing to the rippling pond and the figure across it. None of them could make out a face, but she was staring.
"A Stand user?" Emporio began to dread, taking a few steps back.
"I don't have time for this! Listen, Weather, I'm gonna go find Jolyne and Hermes, you take care of this!" Annasui bit his lip, growing anxious to run. "Jolyne...She'd be... She would get mad if you got yourself killed, Weather. So don't."
Weather's eyes remained pressed on the alien figure across the pond. "Yeah. Love you too, Annasui." He nodded aside, storm clouds clustering close-by.
"Escargot fuck yourself, I'm out." Confident in Weather's prowess, Annasui ditched, sprinting like hell towards the beachside town.
"Emporio. You need to get out of here, now." As usual, Weather was calm, but his body language was tensing, growing strained by the second. Emporio looked up, trying to gauge his elusive expression.
"What? W-Why? I can help, just let me stick around and I can try to expose a..."
Weather's head shot back, shooting a harsh expression his way. "Go. I'll cover your escape with my Stand. What happens next isn't going to be safe."
"A-Ah..." Thick fog enveloped the area, and within a few steps, Weather became blurry, walking across the frozen pond to confront the blue woman.
FIGHT!
(Cue Stardust Crusaders - Decisive Battle)
Lapis walked forward, unfazed by Weather’s pond-freezing stunt while he moved in to confront her. The staredown was harrowing for both sides; it was only a matter of who would attack first. Twenty feet away. Ten feet away.
A water fist punched through the ice between the two, going straight for Weather. He blinked, and just as he did, a forceful gale blew, sending the fist just an inch off from his position. Dismissing it as mere coincidence, Lapis struck again, this time aiming for his side as another fist emerged. “Weather Report!” A pale ghost formed at his side, countering the attack with a punch of its own, shattering the gargantuan fist into the water it was formed from. He ran at Lapis, freezing over the water between them. The ghost followed, its red eyes calm yet furious, silently lusting for blood.
“Don’t come any closer!” Caught off-guard by the human’s unnatural power, she sprouted wings and took to the air before the ghost could land a hit on her. He was just standing there, looking up while he observed her movements. “I’ve had enough of this.” With a wave of her arm, she took full control of the pond, causing towering, sharp tendrils to rise from the waves, ready to skewer Weather as soon as she gave the order.
A flash appeared in the corner of Lazuli’s eye, and she jerked out of the way instinctively, losing her concentration to attack. A bolt of lightning struck the pond, and it would have struck her had she not moved. “That’s right, the storm clouds...!” She recalled how she even noticed Weather in the first place; the uncanny focusing of the clouds to one position. Before she could make any further deductions, she sensed another bolt about to fire, and got flying. The air was like a minefield, forcing Lapis to change directions on a dime or risk having her physical form fried. “H-Hah...!” The rapid flashes were beginning to disorient her, leaving her a sitting duck while the storm clouds only aimed more accurate to her position, encircling her. There was only one escape from the onslaught: up. Summoning her courage, she jetted through the black clouds, emerging to see calm sunshine.
Lapis took a breath, relishing in whatever calm she could salvage. Earth is pretty, just focus on that.. She thought, for example, the rainbows just grazing her feet. She blinked, feeling as though she was forgetting something. Then, her eyes darted down and her expression despaired. Her legs were joined together, infected by the same snail infection that claimed Peridot hours ago. “W-Wooah...” Her wings were already struggling to support her, plummeting down to the grass away from the pond rather ungracefully.
A thick mist had already enveloped the area, surrounding Lapis in nothing but same-y bleakness. Any attempt to stand up was futile, dragged down by a hefty shell growing on her back. Meanwhile, the sounds of scrunching footsteps on wet grass were drawing close. “Try it. I’ll skewer you the second you get close.” Lapis threatened, changing to fog into suspended needles of water.
(Cue Don't Cry Jennifer)
A muffled, inhuman breath echoed behind Lapis. She turned, met with the pale, menacing figure of Weather Report’s Stand mere feet away. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you!” The water needles shot all at once, attacking it from every angle.
...And went right through it, phasing through the assault unharmed, to her massive disbelief. It slowly knelt down to Lapis’s position, and gripped its hands around her neck with suffocating tightness. Even if she didn’t need to breathe, the feeling of strangulation still hurt like hell, and the being behind those cold, red eyes seemed to have no intention holding back on her. “Come ON!” She lashed at the Stand with small hydrokinetic fists constructed from the grass’s dew, to no avail, passing through its cloudy form again. It struck back with a punch of its own, going directly to her head with enough force to make a small crater where Lapis laid. “Nnnrgh!” She let out an agonized groan, her stamina failing. The Stand stepped forward, cracking its knuckles.
The monster is invincible...But the human...he’s somewhere nearby. In her failing consciousness, Lapis turned to her wits, just as the Stand stepped on her head. Her index finger twitched in the dirt. Humans are sixty-percent water. If I can just find that concentration... The first stomp came down, jolting Lapis from rational thought. “G-GAH!” Her eyes were wide with pain, already feeling the first spasms of light that came before getting poofed. Still, she kept her shaking finger outstretched, trusting it to find her mark.
Weather Report stood a distance away, taking careful note of his Stand’s attacks and Lapis’s response to them. “Why is this taking so long? She’s not invulnerable; clearly fatigued, but this is well past human limits.” He peered closer, trying to get a better look at her current state.
And then, with a crackling burst, a hole appeared in his stomach, where a water spike was jutting out. “Fuck...!” Weather fell to his knees, clutching his gut pitifully. His Stand began to falter, pausing in the middle of its attack.
“I...did it.” Lapis came to a crawl, letting out an exasperated breath. She’d nearly gotten poofed. Shattered. Forget corrupted Gems, these powered humans were suddenly a new tier of dangerous.
“Weather Report...Don’t stop attacking.”
“Wha—?” There was hardly a moment to process what he said before Lapis was dunked headfirst back to the cold, hard ground.
Weather got up, his stomach frozen over and his organs barely intact. “I still have...obligations, to carry out.”
Announcer: LET THE LIGHTNING ROUND COMMENCE!
(CUE OVERDRIVE)
“You can’t still be alive...!” Lapis muttered, clenching her fist weakly. Another water spike ruptured through Weather, catching him through the chest and bringing about gratuitous spurts of blood. Weather Report planted its fist against the side of Lapis’s head, firing highly-pressurized winds at her head point-blank. Her gem began to shake, the damage spreading quick while her physical form began to give out.
“IT’S OVER!”
A mortal scream shook the battlefield. Four spikes ran through Weather’s brain, killing him on the spot. His Stand went full-force for a split-second, before dissipating into the sky along with its master. Lapis keeled over and shook, just barely maintaining her form.
Announcer: K.O.!
“W-Weather!” Emporio sprinted over to his corpse, unable to process what had happened to him. “Y-You!” He retrieved a ghost pistol from his Stand’s hammerspace, pointing it at Lapis. “I...I can’t forgive you! You know I can’t!” His sights settled on her exposed Gem, assuming it to be her weak point. Emporio was hesitant, but after seeing what she did to Weather, he had no doubt left in his mind as to what he had to do. His finger squeezed on the trigger.
(Cue Love Like You)
There was a metallic ‘CLANG’ as the bullet was sent flying elsewhere, with the sudden appearance of a circular, pink shield in front of Lapis. Emporio blinked, lowering his pistol. The shield dissipated, and a boy looking about his age stepped forward, making firm eye contact. “You...you should get out of here. We don’t wanna hurt anybody, really.” He spoke with genuine concern, heavily betraying Emporio’s own expectations. “You have people who care about you, right? You should try to find them, they might be okay, since the rainbows are gone, and everything.”
Emporio dropped the gun, turning to look at the clear skies where he’d come from. “Yeah. I do. I r-really do.” Turning his back on Weather’s corpse came with much hesitance, but knowing that Jolyne wasn’t far away instilled hope within him, and began his walk along the empty road to Beach City.
Two days until the New Moon.
Results[]
Boomstick: I guess you could say that was the final...snail in the coffin. Anyone?!
Wiz: ...Yeah, anyways. While Weather was able to maintain control of the match with clever manipulation of his surroundings, Lapis's durability far surpassed his own human limits, allowing her to outlast whatever he could dish until it costed him his life.
Boomstick: I guess it doesn't matter weather or not he's victorious. Appreciate my well-thought wordplay, damn it!
Wiz: The winner is Lapis Lazuli.
