| Krampus (2015) vs Santa Claus (Violent Night) | |
|---|---|
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| Season 8, Episode 10 | |
| Air date | December 24, 2023 |
| Written by | I'm Lynda |
| Episode guide | |
| Previous Fenris (MCU) vs. Ralph (Rampage) |
Next Penny Polendina vs. The Ultra-robots |
Krampus (2015) vs Santa Claus (Violent Night) is a What-If? Death Battle by I'm Lynda. It features Krampus from the 2015 movie of the same name, and Santa Claus from the 2022 movie, Violent Night.
Description[]
It’s Krampus (2015) against Santa Claus (Violent Night) to see if you have been naughty or nice!
Interlude[]
Boomstick: All of the best of the holiday season to each and every one of you!
Wiz: This is our first Christmas special, and I would like to apologize for us being so crass as to take advantage of the season.
Boomstick: And I would like to also apologize for it taking us so darn long to think of it!
Wiz: Christmas is a wonderful time for all, as long as no one nasty shows up!
Boomstick: And there is no nastier Christmas guest than that party pooper of party poopers, the Krampus, from the 2015 movie of the same name.
Wiz: But, if things do go wrong at Christmas time, the best guest to show up is Santa Claus, especially the Santa Claus of the 2022 movie, Violent Night.
Boomstick: But for this party, we’re inviting both Krampus and Santa. It should be a Christmas shindig that none of us forgets!
Wiz: I’m Wiz, and he’s Boomstick.
Boomstick: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
Krampus[]
Wiz: The Krampus, a figure of terror whose very name means “dead” or “rotten”, or perhaps “claw,” depending on who you ask. In Alpine folklore he was a companion of Saint Nicholas, traveling to the homes of all the children at Christmas time.
Boomstick: But while jolly old Saint Nick would give the good little boys and girls gifts of fruits and sweets, the grumpy old Krampus gave the bad little boys and girls a beating with a birch rod. And that was back in the good old days! Since then, he’s gotten worse and worse, nastier and nastier.
Wiz: A family that encountered this latter-day Krampus was the Engel family. Quite a bit dysfunctional, the Engels were really not much of ones for the Christmas spirit, and as such they attracted his attention. Coming in with a blizzard, the Krampus first sent in a collection of living gingerbread men and evil, possessed toys to soften the family up. Then, followed them up with his faithful elves.
Boomstick: After that, the big baddy himself showed up and began dragging off the remaining family members one-by-one. At the end, there was left only Max Engel, the young boy whose loss of the Christmas spirit first attracted the Krampus’s attention. The young boy apologized and begged to be taken in exchange for his family, but the Krampus merely picked him up and tossed him into Hell. What do you get for a boy who has everything? A trip to a warmer climate…a MUCH warmer climate!
Wiz: But, after that, the boy woke up, at first believing that the whole thing was just a nightmare. However, when it was time to open gifts, he opened a gift and found it to be an old-fashioned Christmas ornament that had "Greetings from Krampus" written on it in Dutch. The whole family looked shocked, and the camera pulled back to show their house in a snow globe.
Boomstick: So, did he let them all go, unharmed, with the snow globe as a way to keep an eye on the family and make sure that they did indeed learn their lesson, or were they locked in a Christmas snow globe hell? You decide.
Wiz: The first thing that we notice when we see the Krampus is that he is a really big guy. He stands about eight feet or over two meters tall, on his cloven hooves.
Boomstick: That's right, he's got some sort of goat legs. He also has goat horns, his hands look like talons, and his face is so ugly that he wears some sort of mask that looks like a combination of Santa Claus and Edvard Munch's "The Scream." And his teeth look like it's been a really long time since he has seen a dentist.
Wiz: When it comes to personality, no one would describe the Krampus as "jolly." Instead, he is cunning and manipulative. He enjoys tormenting and terrifying his intended targets, enjoying a long game of cat-and-mouse with them, as he shows them that they have no hope.
Boomstick: Physically speaking, the Krampus is quite impressive. For example, while running along, he can leap from housetop to housetop, landing with enough force to give the house a good shaking. He can, if he wants smash through the roof and into the building, making keeping him out pretty problematic.
Wiz: It does appear, though, that he often enters a house via the traditional path of the chimney, but even this he seems to explode with his large-sized body as he travels down it.
Boomstick: He's also very strong, being able to smash his hand through a truck's windshield, pull most of the adult members of the Engel family on a chain, and even casually lift up Max by the head with just one hand.
Wiz: A further natural weapon seems to be a set of claws, that he is never shown using, but nonetheless appear quite formidable.
Boomstick: Now, let's talk about his magical abilities. The first thing is that he apparently has some sort of telepathy. He uses that to detect when a child loses the Christmas spirit, and though the snow globes he can keep an eye on them.
Wiz: Another thing is that the Krampus seems to be a being of cold. His appearance is heralded by a blizzard that blankets the whole area, and cold seems to radiate off of him, causing windows to frost up near him. Indeed, it appears that he could generate so much cold that he literally flash froze delivery man.
Boomstick: And, as if that wasn't enough, he can also open a portal to the underworld at will, though it is not an instantaneous creation.
Wiz: In spite of his strength and powers, he does not travel alone. He takes with him a group of elves as helpers, and even some rather demonic cookies. He also has a magical bag, which is filled with evil toys that he can sick on any target of his.
Boomstick: You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I'm telling you why. The Krampus is coming to town, and you had better hope that you are NOT on his shit list!
Santa Claus[]
Wiz: Santa Claus, Father Christmas, Kris Kringle, jolly old Saint Nick. He's well known in the West as that grandfatherly figure, with white hair and beard, and a red costume. He comes down the chimney with a bag full of toys to reward all of the good little boys and girls for the way that they acted through the previous year.
Boomstick: But who was this right jolly old elf? Who was he *before* he became this chubby and plump man with twinkling eyes and merry dimples?
Wiz: To answer that we have to go back to the medieval period, to a fierce Viking berserker with the name of Nikamund the Red.
Boomstick: Covered in tattoos, he fought bare-chested on the battlefields of Europe swinging his most favorite weapon, the sledgehammer Skullcrusher. And then one day, through the magic of Christmas, he was transformed into Santa Claus. Actually, this part wasn't really discussed.
Wiz: Well, fast-forward about a thousand years, and we meet good old Nikamund again as Santa Claus in a bar in Bristol, Connecticut. But, by then he was no longer that jolly, old fat man that we expect.
Boomstick: Instead, he is a bitterly disillusioned Santa Claus, drunk and bemoaning how modern children had lost their Christmas spirit, instead having only the spirit of materialism. But isn't Christmas the time to get upset and get hammered at the local bar?
Wiz: So filled with booze and self-loathing Santa heads off to do his rounds just one last time. He winds up in a mansion in Greenwich, Connecticut, where he finds some especially delicious cookies, which he scarfs down and then he falls asleep in a comfortable chair.
Boomstick: This particular mansion was the home of Gertrude Lightstone, a particularly loathsome heiress, who was hosting her children and grandchildren for Christmas. The best of the lot was Jason Lightstone's daughter, Trudy. To buy her off until it was time to open the gifts, Jason gave her a walkie-talkie that he claimed would allow her to talk to Santa Claus, when he arrived.
Wiz: But there was a whole group of party crashers heading towards the Lightstone mansion, a group of mercenaries lead by a man who went by the handle of "Mr. Scrooge," who were determined to rob the vault in the basement of the mansion. They quickly took over the mansion, and one of them found Santa. But, taking a gun butt to Santa was not a good idea, because his Viking past reasserted itself and the jolly old elf went medieval on him. Unfortunately, the man's assault rifle went off, frightening off Santa's reindeer who flew off, leaving Saint Nick stranded.
Boomstick: Found by another merk, Santa soon found himself in another life and death struggle, ending when he killed the man rather spectacularly with a set of Christmas lights. That you have to see to believe!
Wiz: Little Trudy escaped from the men and began calling for help on her walkie-talkie. Fortunately for her, her dad was right in telling her that she could use it to talk to Santa Claus, because he could hear her through the mercenary's own unit. Inspired to rescue the little girl, Santa goes to war with the mercenaries. He fights them using anything that came to hand, but he really hit his stride when he found a sledgehammer, a latter-day Skullcrusher.
Boomstick: The poor merks, all they had was assault rifles and hand grenades, so they were no match at all for skull-crushing Santa Claus!
Wiz: And so, after a series of grudge fights and smackdowns, Santa was the last man standing. That is, except for one of the leaders of the mercenaries, who succeeded in shooting him full of holes.
Boomstick: But that was not the end of the big, red guy, because the Lightstone came together to help each other and Santa Claus, and their return to the Christmas spirit brought him back as well. And so, the story ended with the Lightstone family safe and reunited, and Santa with his faith in Christmas restored. [Sniff!] God bless us, every one!
Wiz: So, what do we know about this guy? Well, first of all we know that he is a skilled warrior. He took on opponents one after another, armed only with whatever items came to hand, whether it was Christmas lights, ornaments, random presents, pool balls, a candy cane that he sucked down to a point, and he even sent one flying with a snowball to the head.
Boomstick: After that, he had to contend with Gertrude Lightstone's "Kill Squad," which had gone over to the other side. Each one was a physically fit soldier, armed to the teeth, and Santa wiped them all out. And he did this without using any modern weaponry. Well, unless you count the one guy where he took the grenade out of his hand and then shoved it down his pants. That was really funny!
Wiz: He is extremely strong, being able to swing his hammer through three human heads, smashing each in turn. He also handed a single blow that sent a Kill Squad member flying through a wooden wall. He took out a member by throwing his hammer a long distance. And he even decapitated one man with one blow of an ice skate!
Boomstick: He seems to have superhuman durability. He took repeated blows with a rifle butt, before getting up unharmed to continue the fight. He took repeated punches and kicks, including one that sent him flying over a pool table. He took multiple stabs before continuing a fight. He even had his hand impaled to a chimney with an icepick, and he simply ripped it off of it and continued fighting. OK, that…looked pretty painful.
Wiz: This Santa does have some magical abilities, though the list appears to be rather short. First of all, when he taps his nose he transforms into some sort of magical dust, which goes up or down a nearby chimney. If he is holding someone at the time of his transformation, they go through the chimney with him, though they don't transform into dust, and it is likely to be really bad for them. And, it appears that if anyone nearby believes in him, he will be brought back to life.
Boomstick: And he has two classic Santa…things, including a flying sleigh, and a bag that appears to be empty, but anyone can reach in and pull out a gift. He also has a magic list that identifies the people around him, tells whether they have been naughty or nice, and gives examples of what they have done.
Wiz: So, this Santa is a somewhat historically accurate one, actually connecting to his Celtic and Norse roots.
Boomstick: That's right, he's a badass with a war hammer and a list of things that he did. He is not above giving you a lump of coal, STRAIGHT UP YOUR...
Wiz: Anus! We want to stay on the nice list, you know.
Boomstick: Sorry, Santa! I was going to say, anus, really!
Intermission[]
Wiz: All right the combatants are set, and we've run the data through all possibilities.
Boomstick: It's time for a CHRISTMAS DEATH BATTLE!
DEATH BATTLE![]
Pre-Fight[]
Santa Claus woke with a start in a large, overstuffed chair. What had that noise been?
He couldn't believe that he had fallen asleep in a family's house again. He had had way too much to drink. Oh well, this was his last year anyway. The naughty list got longer and longer each year, and the nice list got shorter and shorter. The kids were ungrateful, and their parents were beneath his contempt.
He reached out to the table next to his chair and snatched up another cookie; this one was a large gingerbread man. He took a bite from its head and made a face. it didn't taste half as good as the cookies he had eaten earlier. As a matter of fact, this cookie tasted like someone had baked it with the express purpose of giving the eater no pleasure at all from consuming it.
Suddenly, the gingerbread man came alive in his hands, snarling and struggling. Leaping up with a look of disgust, he proceeded to tear the cookie apart, grinding it between his hands. Finally, the cookie was torn up, leaving a pile of crumbs on the floor with a pair of candy eyes glaring up at him from its top.
"What the hell was that?" he asked no one in particular.
Then, a strange, high-pitched screaming began, and a group of creatures burst into the room. They looked like parodies of Christmas elves, each wearing a raggedy cloak and an old, ugly mask. Worse, each one clutched a weapon that looked like a fireplace poker.
They charged at him, waving their weapons, and leaving no doubt that they were after blood.
Thinking quickly, Santa opened his bag and reached in. He pulled out what was clearly a sledgehammer, tightly wrapped in rather festive wrapping paper.
"Oh, my dear," he said, smiling down at the hammer. "You shouldn't have."
One of the elves growled and began to move forward.
Tearing the wrapping paper off in one swift movement, Santa Claus raised the sledgehammer and spun it around with a fluidity of movement that showed his centuries of familiarity with the weapon.
Having stopped in surprise at the man in red's actions, the elf again surged forward with an evil snarl. Santa spun his hammer around and then brought it down onto the creature's head with a sickening crunch. It was a sound that Nikamund the Red knew all too well.
The sight of their comrade falling stirred all of the rest of the elves into action, and they now charged forward.
Santa spun his hammer round and round like a whirlwind of death. He brought it crashing into one elf's head and then slammed it into another's face. He swept the hammer in low, hooking the leg of an elf and pulling it off of its feet, and then brought the weapon down, crushing its head like overripe watermelon.
The hammer whirled on like the wrath of God, leaving a trail of dead and dying enemies. Nikamund was back in his element.
Suddenly, there was a lower-pitched howling noise somewhere in the distance, and the remaining elves froze. Listening for only a second, they suddenly turned and ran out of the room.
"That can't be good," Santa said to himself.
He reached into his pocket and brought out his list. He opened it, and it showed him the "Nice" list. The family seemed OK, but truly the best of the lot was Max Engel, a boy with a heart of gold.
Then, two names disappeared off the list. Where had they gone? Santa had a bad feeling about this.
He closed the list, took a deep breath and then opened it again. Now it showed him the "Naughty" list. There at the top of the list was one name that was much larger than the rest, and it read "Krampus." The list of his naughty deeds ran right off the bottom of the list.
Perhaps it wasn't too late to get out of this situation. He tapped his nose, and immediately he turned into magic dust and flew up the chimney. He arrived on the house's roof just in time to see his sleigh fly away, pursued by some other, ugly sleigh that was pulled by a team of vicious-looking goats and piloted by a group of giggling evil elves and demented animate toys.
"Shit," was all that he could think of saying.
Then, down below him, he heard a series of screams and crashes.
No, he couldn't leave, Max needed him.
He tapped his nose and flew back down the chimney.
Arriving back in the room with the Christmas tree and bar, he suddenly realized that he heard a set of very heavy footsteps coming towards him. He lifted his hammer and prepared himself.
Then, a huge creature shambled into the room. Krampus and Santa Claus eyed each other.
Still holding his hammer Santa spoke to the other.
"I don't want to have to hurt you," he said. "I have the situation here well in hand. Why don't you just move along, and we can both continue on our rounds."
Krampus lifted his arm and held out his hand towards the man in red. Reluctantly, Santa reached his own hand, palm up, and other dropped something into it.
Bringing the object close, Santa looked at it and saw that the object was a dark metal bell that read "Gruß vom Krampus" or "Greetings from Krampus" in English.
Suddenly Krampus's arm shot out striking Santa Claus and sending him flying!
FIGHT! []
Santa Claus flew across the room and crashed into the nearby Christmas tree. The two went down in a heap, as ornaments and candy canes went skittering across the floor.
Krampus walked across the floor, his large, cloven hooves clacking on the wooden flooring. He stood next to the fallen man for only a few seconds, when he raised his leg.
Santa's eyes went wide when he saw the underside of Krampus's foot.
"Whoa!" he yelled, and quickly rolled to the side.
The foot came down with a mighty crash, utterly flattening a present that had been under the tree.
Santa leaped up and brandished his sledgehammer, preparing for the next assault.
Suddenly, a voice from the doorway captured his attention. "Santa!"
He turned and saw the remaining members of the Engel family crowded at the door, and in the front stood Max and his grandmother.
Krampus's fist lashed out in a vicious hook, connecting with Santa's head, and sending him flying to the side.
Somewhat dazed, he looked for his sledgehammer but found nothing. Reacting more by instinct than anything else, he leaped up just before Krampus's foot came down on him. Reeling to the side, his hand closed on something, and he heft it before him.
He looked down in disbelief at the foot-tall nutcracker that he held in his hand.
The Krampus shambled forward, and Santa swung the nutcracker. It came around and impacted on his opponent's horned head, instantly shattering into a million pieces.
The Krampus swung his arm, his long claws slicing through Santa's red coat and his side. Santa cried out in pain.
"No!" Max Engel yelled from the doorway.
The Krampus's other arm swung around, and his claws again carved a path across Santa's flesh.
Santa raised his booted foot, and kicked the Christmas demon in the stomach, sending him staggering backward. Santa himself backed up and grabbed the first item that came to hand. It was a blue glass lamp.
He swung the lamp and smashed onto Krampus's head, but the demon again retaliated with his claws.
Looking off to the side, the man in red spotted his sledgehammer lying on the floor. Turning back to his opponent, he balled up his fists and then threw first one punch at his face, and then another, and then a third.
The blows staggered him backward, and then Santa dove passed the creature, scooping up the hammer. He leaped to his feet and raised the hammer in readiness. Realizing that his jacket was hanging on him in tatters, he reached his left hand down, and tore it off of him.
The Engel family gasped to see the tattoos that covered his torso, and the wounds that were spilling blood onto the floor.
When the Krampus moved forward, Santa swung his hammer left and then right, each blow rocking his larger opponent. He swung it again, and this time it impacted on one of the creature's horns, breaking off its outer half.
Santa lifted his sledgehammer over his head and aimed an overhead swing at his opponent's head.
Krampus's hand shot up, catching the hammer as it descended. Then, his other hand shot out, grabbing Santa by the throat. The two opponents stood there, face to face.
Then, Krampus's tongue slipped out of his mouth, and through the open mouth of his mask. It extended farther and farther, until it wagged some a foot-long, like a greasy snake.
"Oh!" Santa gasped in disgust. "Dude, that is disgusting!"
Then, a look of triumph blossomed on the man in red's face. "Hey, you've showed me your favorite trick. Now, let me show you mine!"
Releasing the hammer with one hand, he tapped his nose with his forefinger. Immediately, he turned into bright, magic dust, which flowed towards the chimney,
The Krampus's eyes went wide with surprise, and he strained against the pull of the magic, but it was to no effect. The evil creature was dragged into the fireplace, and then he began to be drawn up the chimney.
His progression up the chimney could be seen as the wall cracked and buckled. Bricks slammed down loudly onto the fireplace's grate, one after another.
Finally, Santa reformed on the roof of the Engel house. Still locked in the Krampus's grip. Santa looked around surprised.
"Funny," he gasped out with his opponent still squeezing his neck. "That...usually...works."
Krampus released his throat and rammed his claws into Santa's side. Santa cried out in pain, and then he planted his feet and pushed. Krampus slid on the snowy shingles of the roof, picking up speed as he moved down the slope. He held Santa tightly with one hand, even as the other one pinwheeled, as he fought for balance.
Both opponents slid over the edge of the roof and plummeted to the ground.
Santa stood up and staggered to the side, while the Krampus ponderously climbed to his cloven feet.
The man in red shakily lifted his hammer in readiness and turned to face the Christmas demon.
The Krampus repeatedly swung his claws, and Santa used the head and shaft of the sledgehammer to block the blows. Then, seeing his chance, he pivoted on his left foot, and brought the handle of the hammer behind him and into the Krampus's stomach.
The evil creature bellowed in pain and staggered backward. But as he fell back, he again swung his arm and this time the claws raked down along Santa's back.
Now, Santa cried out, and he dropped his hammer as he collapsed to his knees in the snow.
Krampus shambled up to the fallen man and seized his neck with both hands. Lifting him into the air, he turned him so that they were again face to face.
Santa grabbed the hands that held him and tried to peel them from his neck. He could crush walnuts with his bare hands, but even he could not release the iron grip that the other held him in. His vision began to tunnel, as his lungs burned for breath, but none came. He felt consciousness begin to slip away from him.
Suddenly, he again heard the voice of Max Engel.
"Santa!" the young boy yelled. "Don't give up, I believe in you!"
Santa fought to look to the side, and he could see that the remaining members of the Engel family were leaning out of the windows of the room that he had just been in.
"I believe in you too!" Max's Omi shouted.
Then, the rest of the family began to cry out their agreement.
Santa began to feel the strength flow back into him. He looked back at the Krampus with renewed determination.
Pulling back his leg, he kicked the giant as hard as he could, between the legs. Krampus bellowed in pain, and dropped the man in red.
Santa reached up and grabbed Krampus's horns and pulled his head down. He lifted his knee, ramming it into his opponent's face. Then, he reared back, and lifted his knee twice as hard, knocking the creature backward onto his back.
Stepping quickly to the side, Santa quickly snapped a branch off of a nearby evergreen treen, and then he snapped off most of the rest of the branch, leaving him with a two-foot long wooden rod.
Then, stepping back to his opponent, who was trying to rise from the ground, Santa took the branch in both hands, and rammed its jagged end into Krampus's chest, knocking him back to the ground.
He strained to push the rod in farther but could make no more progress.
After first looking to the side, he leaped and scooped up his sledgehammer. He pivoted on his foot, and then brought the weapon up and around. The hammer struck the wooden stake, driving it all the way through the giant's chest, and pinning him to the ground.
Krampus clawed at the snowy ground around him, and then went still.
K.O.! []
Santa Claus planted the head of his hammer on the ground and leaned wearily on the handle. He suddenly realized that he could hear the Engel family cheering from the windows above him.
Suddenly, Santa's sleigh landed in front of him.
"It's about time you guys came back! I could have used a little help back there," he said gruffly as he climbed into the sleigh.
He sat scowling in the seat for a moment, and then his face softened.
He picked up the reins and said, "Well, perhaps I'm not done with Christmas after all."
Then he shook the reins and set the reindeer in motion.
"Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen! On, Comet! On, Cupid! On, Donder and Blitzen! To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall! Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"
Then, the reindeer pulled the sleigh into the night sky. And as the sleigh disappeared into the darkness, the family heard St. Nick say, "Damn, I need a drink!"
Results[]
Boomstick: Ha! Ha! I knew it, the good guy won!
Wiz: You mean the guy who kills people with a sledgehammer?
Boomstick: Wiz, don't be such a downer. Besides, you don't want Santa to give you lumps…of coal, do you?
Wiz: No! Definitely not.
Boomstick: All right then, now how did this battle come out the way that it did?
Wiz: Well, the Krampus is a pretty fearsome opponent, and not someone *I* would want to meet on a snowy Christmas Eve. He's strong, he's relatively mobile, and he has claws like some sort of prehistoric beast.
Boomstick: But he wasn't really a match for Nikamund the Red. You see, Nick is a fierce warrior, who earned his experience fighting across the battlefields of medieval Europe. He was a berserker, a formidable war-machine, whose very appearance on the battlefield struck terror into his opponents.
Wiz: And, becoming Jolly old Saint Nick didn't really soften him. He showed that he could take tremendous damage, and still keep dishing it out.
Boomstick: While Krampus was good and frightening, he never really showed himself as being a fast-moving fighter. Instead, he moved in a very ponderous way that showed that he was likely to take a lot more hits from Nikamund than he was likely to give.
Wiz: And, while Santa could be killed, as long as someone was around who had the Christmas spirit, even that was not likely to keep him down for long.
Boomstick: I have to admit, I was disappointed that the chimney trick didn't work on Krampus, why was that?
Wiz: While Krampus did not move up and down chimneys with the finesse of Santa Claus, he had no trouble moving through them. As such, dragging him up one was not likely to do much more than irritate him.
Boomstick: Yeah, I guess. But though that trick didn't work, Santa had what it took to put down Krampus but good. He was definitely the ultimate maul Santa!
Wiz: And that's why the winner is Santa Klaus!
Boomstick: Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good fight!
