| Invadin' From The 80's! | |
|---|---|
| Season | 1 |
| Overall Episode | 5 |
| Season Episode | 5 |
| Air date | 7/26/2023 |
| Written by | BigShark81913 |
| Episode guide | |
| Previous Hibiki Tachibana vs Kasumi Yoshizawa |
Next Therion vs Puss in Boots |
Klowns vs Martians is a What-If? Death Battle written by BigShark81913, featuring the Klowns from Killer Klowns from Outer Space and the Martians from Mars Attacks!.
Description[]
Killer Klowns from Outer Space vs Mars Attacks! A battle between weird and horrific aliens from the amazing eighties in about to commence? Will either side break their foes or the box office first?
Interlude[]
Wiz: Aliens are a very popular topic in culture, and they always have been. Some seem to be normal, and some to be so freakishly ugly.
Boomstick: And when there’s that many of them out there, we know that the only friendly E.T. is E.T. himself! Take these ugly creeps for example.
Wiz: The Klowns, the spacefaring bozos with an appetite for anarchy.
Boomstick: And the Martians, the cackling green madlads with a grudge against the USA. He’s Wiz and I’m Boomstick.
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to see who would win...a Death Battle.
The Klowns clown around in DEATH BATTLE![]
Wiz: Not too long ago in the mysterious land of Watsonville, California, everything was going perfectly well. The shops were all selling, the people were alive, and there was no trace of a rampage of kooks sweeping the town.
Boomstick: Yeah! That's... oddly specific, but- anyways, later in the night, a mysterious, yellow, floating object descended down near the farm of Gene Green. Like in every horror film, the idiot decided to investigate.
Wiz: But when he entered the territory of the alien newcomers, he didn't realize what these things were. He saw the Killer Klowns from Outer Space.
Background[]
- Group Name: Killer Klowns from Outer Space
- Height: Changeable
- Weight: Changeable
- Age: Unknown
- Likes: Pie, madness, human blood
- Dislikes: Children, anything that can pop their noses, privacy
- Have an epic theme song written by the Dickies
(Cue: Killer Klowns from Outer Space Theme)
Boomstick: Is it just me, or is anybody else wondering how such a... strange horror movie got a theme from the one and only Dickies?
Wiz: ...paid advertisement, Boomstick.
Boomstick: Oh. Anyways, after capturing the poor farmer, the Klowns began to roam the strange, new planet they had landed on and found just what they were looking for: humans! They wanted to suck us humans!
Wiz: Boomstick, seriously?
Boomstick: Well, yeah! They literally drink humans with bendy straws!
Wiz: ...fair point. The Klowns began to wreak havoc in California to provide themselves with the nutrients in human blood. They targeted millions, or mayhaps, exactly 39 humans in total.
Boomstick: These kooky critters scuttled all across town in search of hijinx! Just look at the shit they did… disemboweling cops, smashing children, and even escaping the inevitable fine for vehicular manslaughter DESPITE a cop watching! What was up with the folks that made this film?
Wiz: Klowns like Jumbo snooped around prison for prey, Fatso stood at home, and Shorty-
Boomstick: fucking fought a biker gang and literally murdered children!
Wiz: …yep.
Boomstick: As expected, quickly, the meddling kids in every cheesy 80’s horror picture began to ACTUALLY notice what was going on, DESPITE the other citizens fucking ignoring all the chaos circling their beloved hometown! How high where these writers?
Wiz: Give it a rest, Boomstick. Anyways, the group consisted of Mike Tobacco, Debbie Stone, two dim witted brothers, and Officer Dave, the only official in sight.
Boomstick: But the Klowns, as expected, had their eyes on the single bitch in the whole film and attacked her… in the bathroom! …okay, seriously. What the hell is this?
Wiz: 80’s media, Boomstick. Anyways, they soon dragged the poor woman to their big ship from earlier into a room called the… Klown Kathedral? …soon they were ambushed by the heroes in their ship but they had a little trick up their sleeve!
Boomstick: An obese, Chernobyl-level Klown monster fell from the roof and began to attack them like some Toho shit! This was when they finally found the Klown’s weaknesses: popping their bulbous noses.
Wiz: As soon as they discovered this, the heroes tried all they could to defeat the invaders, but nothing worked… until plot armor came into play.
Boomstick: A cop fell from the sky and managed to take out Klownzilla’s bigger nose, destroying both him and the Klowns in the process!
Wiz: The day was finally saved, until next time… okay, seriously, no sequels. I think we’ve had enough.
Boomstick: Well, the lack of a sequel doesn't mean they were easy pickings either! Just look at some of the wacky shit they have!
Main Members[]
- Jumbo
- Fatso
- Shorty
- Rudy
- Spike
- Slim
- Bibbo
- Chubby
- Magori
- Rosebud
- Daisy
Boomstick: ...wow, that's a mouthful. Anyways, the Klown troop consists of about 11 noteworthy members. And there are female Klowns too! Those ones have... inflatable breasts? C'mon, this is my kind of clown!
Wiz: That's... actually true? The female Klowns lure male prey away using lust and... other stuff I don't have the guts to mention. Let's move on to their absolutely kooky weapons.
Trapper Cotton Candy Raygun[]
- The Klown's basic weapons
- Instantly turn prey into cotton candy
- Used to make the drinking process easier
- Basically... liquifies the prey into juice? Gross.
Boomstick: This awesome trinket can basically turn a person into juice inside a shell made of cotton candy! This makes it easier for the Klowns to consume the blood from the people. Awesome!
Wiz: ...the gun fires a quick-moving blast that instantly molds a person into a cocoon made of cotton candy with one go. Pretty strong, if you ask me. Of course, one weapon wouldn't be enough to keep the Klowns on their feet.
Trapper Balloon Raygun[]
- Another variant of the cotton candy blasters
- Seals the prey in a big, colorful balloon
- Balloons are quite durable, only popping when shot with a handgun
- Doesn't kill the prey, but leaves them floating and easy to capture
Boomstick: This Klown raygun is also... pretty fucking weird! The Trapper Balloon Raygun seals whoever it is fired at in a human-sized, colorful balloon.
Wiz: This balloon is quite durable, seeing as the only thing that was capable of popping it was a handgun used by Officer Mooney. That being said, this floating prison doesn't instantly kill the prey like the Trapper Cotton Candy Raygun does, instead leaving them floating in the air for easy pickings. Next up we have the Shadow Puppets.
Shadow Puppets[]
- Made by the Klowns hands and can be generated anywhere
- Anything can be made by these living puppets
- Some creations can consume unfortunate people
- Instantly kills whoever is captured
Boomstick: With this ability, the Klowns can generate living shadow puppets from out of nowhere! I wonder what fun you could have with that...
Wiz: As shown here, the Klowns' puppets are capable of e-
Boomstick: Practically voring anything in sight!
Wiz: ...why? Anyways, this ability instantly kills whoever is unfortunate enough to cross paths with them here. Next up we have the Popcorn Bazookas.
Popcorn Bazookas[]
- Handheld bazookas
- Fires popcorn that is surprisingly deadly
- Capable of smashing through walls
- Does something... interesting that we will get to later
Boomstick: The Popcorn Bazookas are massive, colorful guns that fire... pieces of popcorn? What is this shit?
Wiz: Well, actually, the popcorn is quite strong! It has been shown to be capable of blasting through humans and brick walls with incredible ease. However, it was one little ability that makes it significantly weirder than the rest. The popcorn can hatch into...
Klown Larva[]
- Hatch from the popcorn kernels
- The popcorn takes a short time to actually take effect
- Appear from every hole in sight (ew)
- Grow stronger and bigger over time
Wiz: Weird little Klown Larva things.
Boomstick: Woah! Those things look like Bart Simpson and a Blobfish's love child!
Wiz: These disgusting Klown creatures, once implanted into a host, will sprout out at the worst time possible to attack. They may seem weak at first, but over time, they begin to grow into horrible, massive creatures capable of overturning large targets.
Boomstick: However, it takes quite a bit for this to happen, but it is still a deadly side effect. Next up we have the balloon animals.
Balloon Animals[]
- Little balloon structures that appear to be sentient
- Can be made by the Klowns in a maximum of 3 seconds
- Able to track down prey from a single scent
- Actually have a pretty powerful bite
Wiz: These seemingly normal balloon animals are actually more powerful than they look in hindsight; they’re capable of chomping through flesh and tracking people down from miles away.
Boomstick: For instance, these bloodlusted puppers were capable of chasing down multiple police officers straight from the Big Top to police stations at the edge of town! Reminder, they had to travel through a big-ass forest to arrive at their destination.
Wiz: And these… faceless balloon creations are strong enough to chomp straight through substances such as cloth and direct human tissue! Even without a face. Next up we have the Acid Pies.
Acid Pies[]
- Normal cream pies on silver platters… or so you thought
- Packed with acid and other melty materials
- Shows that the Klowns actually have pretty good aim
- Melted a man into nothing but a skull
Boomstick: Anybody up for some pie?
Wiz: Despite looking like normal cream pies, these teach you that looks can be deceiving. Instead of soft pastries thrown at your face, you get pies jam-packed with acidic materials or just straight up alien gunk.
Boomstick: If you get one of these bad boys all up in your business, then all you’ll be getting this year is the loss of your skin! Seriously, these pies melted a officer into merely bones!
Wiz: Although served on pure silver, these flying pies can actually soar pretty high and far. Next up we have the mallets.
Mallet[]
- Multiple Klowns have it, though it is mainly shown being wielded by Jumbo
- Very, VERY big and heavy
- Also pretty colorful
Boomstick: These monstrous mallets are pretty strong despite looking balloon-ish. However, they aren’t shown to be actually used in the film, instead used as a quick gag.
Wiz: In the film, Jumbo attempted to lure a young girl to be smashed by his mallet, though she was pulled away by her mother just in time to survive. They are made out of pure steel, despite looking soft, meaning they have amazing crushing abilities. Next up we have the Invisible Motorcycles.
Invisible Motorcycles[]
- Invisible (like yeah)
- Can be formed from thin air
- Can actually drive
- Capable of sharp turns and fast exits
Boomstick: Woah, what? You're telling me that the Klowns have invisible Harley-Davidsons and aren't going on a worldwide rampage, instead sulking around in lowlife, ruddy California? This writing is bullshit!
Wiz: Actually, it was pure dumb luck that ended the Klowns, but we'll get to that all later. The Klowns are capable of summoning full invisible motorbikes out of thin air and they're... surprisingly capable. A single motorcycle was shown to be capable of knocking a full truck off a bridge and knocking trees into the skies on impact.
Boomstick: Plus, these tripped-out phantom rides can keep an obese clown on the driver's seat during sharp turns and exits, making it simply less dangerous than a normal motorbike! Well, riding it, of course. If they're after you on these hogs, you're instant toast. Next up is the silly, yet dangerous party horn.
Party Horn[]
- Party horn, with a twist...
- The end is a clawed hand
- It is capable of choking one to death
- Also completely disemboweling them
- Very, VERY small and easily handheld
Wiz: Okay, OKAY! I think I've seen enough for now, Boomstick. Why can't we just talk about something NORMAL? This is making my head spin!
Boomstick: This is cinematic genius you're looking at, Wiz! Ignoring Wiz’s absolutely disgusting taste in movies, these party horns ain’t your normal party favor from Cousin Dave’s Bar Mitzvah. These small contraptions actually have terrifying striped and clawed hands at the end!
Wiz: …these claws have been shown to be able to choke a police officer to death and also disembowel him to make a disgusting, fleshy mannequin. Ewww…
Boomstick: Finally, we have the most terrifying creature to walk the Earth. The huge drugged-up juggernaut of the entire Klown militia…
Wiz: One creature that completely destroys both the laws of physics and quality itself. These creature is… the Klownzilla.
Klownzilla[]
- The leader of the Killer Klowns
- Has sharp teeth and claws
- Can smash cars with footsteps
- Can spit Acid Pies out like fire breath
- Explodes after death
Boomstick: The leader of the pack is a 18 foot tall monster as disgusting and beastly as his outlandish hairdo.
Wiz: JoJo the Klownzilla has massive, sharp, and fearsome teeth and claws capable of shredding humans and steel like paper. He is so big that he can crush entire dumpsters and cars in mere footsteps.
Boomstick: Also, he can shoot literal pies from his mouth. I tried teaching myself how to do that, but… let’s just say that didn’t end too well for me. Now, what are these creatures without feats? A failed attempt to shatter the box office?
Wiz: Well, for starters, the Klowns are capable of literally overturning cars and small stands during riots and ravages. This means that an average Klown’s body is capable of overturning about 4,094 pounds of pure solid steel.
Boomstick: Also, the Klown named Shorty was capable of defeated a tough-headed, but short-witted biker by knocking his block off! Seriously, he punched the dude so hard that his head popped off like a cork!
Wiz: Given that it was a single punch that completely pulverized the man’s skull, this means that a single punch delivered by Shorty is equal to about 3900 joules; about how much it takes to rip a head clean off in one blow.
Boomstick: As an added bonus, Jumbo was capable of bending pure steel bars with his bare hands in one go! This tells us that Jumbo’s bare hands are more powerful than steel itself. Finally, JoJo’s self-destruction was capable of completely exploding the Big Top spaceship, which means him dying could play a good part in an explosive side of a battle.
Wiz: Although quite impressive, the Klowns come with a single weakness: the popping of their noses. When their noses are popped, they spin around and explode into confetti and nothing more, bringing them to an explosive end.
Boomstick: However, when you’re around these kooks, you’d better not Klown around or else you’ll be gone.
The Martians "come in peace" in DEATH BATTLE![]
(Cue: Mars Attacks Main Titles)
Wiz: America, across fiction, is known as the place where aliens most commonly attack. Just think of it: what western alien movie isn't set in the United States?
Boomstick: The Leprechaun series!
Wiz: Exac- Leprechaun? Can't you think of anything good?
Boomstick: As we were saying, what would happen if we made contact with some aliens without just tackling them senselessly? Why don't we go talk to the otherworldly invaders?
Wiz: Well, that’s what America tried. A UFO appeared near Earth and began to land. Multiple people crowded and formed an idealistic treaty with the aliens. The two species began to live together in peace forever and ever… I wish.
Boomstick: Truth be told, the aliens began to murder everybody! These were some cranky Martians!
Information[]
- Group Name: Martians
- Height: Unknown
- Weight: Unknown
- Age: Unknown
- Likes: Assault, guns, unnecessary explosions
- Dislikes: Country music, loud sounds, humans
- Soul brothers to Achmed the Undead Terrorist
Wiz: As soon as the Martians left the mother ship, a peaceful dove was released by some visiting hippies. This triggered sudden anger into the Martians, which devolved into guns, more guns, and skeletons galore.
Boomstick: Even then, good 'ol Jack Nicholson as the president of the United States of America decides to have another attempt at peace between distant nations.
Wiz: The president decided to round up the Martian Ambassador and his peers and bring them to a courtroom, where he hoped to have a peace treaty signed. However, just like every Tim Burton movie, something goes... horribly, horribly wrong.
Boomstick: They literally did what Richard Nixon failed to do in his presidency and, well, destroyed congress! Like, actually destroyed it with explosions and cheesy special effects.
Wiz: The Martians soon fled, and kidnapped the official scientist of the United States, Donald Kessler. They now had a captive which incredibly raised the stakes.
Boomstick: They even sent a spy to assassinate the president! She was disguised as a human woman and all... and she got into the White House unnoticed!
Wiz: The Martian girl attempted to shoot the president, but he was quicker to draw, and he used the corpse to discover where exactly the Martians were now. So, he assembled a small group and they went alien hunting.
Boomstick: During this time, the Martians took a chance to go and destroy multiple Earth landmarks! They even destroyed those weird statue guys on Easter Island... tell me, what are those?
Wiz: Moai?
Boomstick: Yeah, that's it. Anyways, the Martian Ambassador was soon tracked down in Vegas of all places, and boy where they running rampant! Not a single car was left unturned.
Wiz: Even though they were caught, the Martians already waged war on the entirety of Earth. This means they now could kill the other people without punishment, because all's fair in Martian war.
Boomstick: However, Richie Norris and his gramma where already in Kansas, where Martians were running rampant through their apartment! But this was when they discovered the main weakness of these invaders... Slim Whitman's Indian Love Call.
Wiz: Okay, what? Indian Love Call? These aliens have tons of weaponry FAR beyond what we have on Earth... and their weakness is awful country music? I just want to finish.
Boomstick: After this, the Martian Ambassador was punched to death by none other than Jim Brown in a boxer suit. Richie managed to play the Indian Love Call across the world and bring an end to the Martians once and for all.
Wiz: This is a perfect example as to why the Martians should never rely on their physicality in battle. Instead, they use an arsenal of amazing, yet deadly high-tech weapons from Mars.
Laser Rays[]
- The stereotypical alien weapon
- Small, yet deadly
- Can turn people into skeletons
- Can also turn people into animals
Boomstick: Let’s start off with the weapon literally every alien seems to have! The laser ray, blaster, hookah, or whatever the hell you want to call it.
Wiz: This small, handheld blaster is the Martian’s main weapon. It has two main functions: literally disintegrating people and turning them into animals.
Boomstick: It’s also shown to be capable of completely decimating tanks and smashing through bricks walls with only one blast! Impressive, I dare say.
Robots[]
- Massive, very massive
- Capable of shooting lasers
- Controlled by Martians in the cockpit
- If the cockpit is shattered, the robot is basically done for
Wiz: Next up we have the robots. These massive, stomping metal machines are jam-packed with alien firepower, which can easily decimate small targets.
Boomstick: The robots can also shoot lasers just like the US is currently trying to do, except this time it’s not a sham! It is controlled by a single Martian in the cockpit, but if the cockpit is destroyed, the Martian and the robot are done for.
Wiz: But don’t let this undermine your expectations; the robots have been shown to be able to uproot buildings and take down the United States of America’s heavy firepower and bombs.
Martian ambassador[]
- Has the best gear overall of the Martians
- Only appears during desperate times
- Has a shrink ray
- Also has a cybernetic arm with a blade implanted inside
Boomstick: Finally we have the seemingly most powerful of the Martians, the Martian Ambassador.
Wiz: This caped, crazed creature has the most advanced gear out of all the Martians as a whole. He retains a shrink ray which he used to shrink General Decker to the size of a nickel and stomp him under his metal boot. He also has a cybernetic arm implant with a retracting blade inside for deep slashes.
Boomstick: However, nobody’s perfect, especially when you were made by Tim Burton in the late 1996’s. Let’s see these cackling greenies’ weaknesses.
Wiz: For starters, the Martians are extremely frail creatures outside of their spacesuits and have been shown to be easily killed by strong enough gunshots and punches due to them being naturally soft.
Boomstick: Also, they cannot breath Earth’s atmosphere, which means without their helmets, they suffocate like a fish out of water. Hey, that reminds me that my pet fish ran away the other day!
Wiz: …okay. The Martians are also weak to fire and have been shown to be engulfed completely in flame and turned to mere dust. Also, they are in no way immune to their own weapons, which actually kill them rather easily.
Boomstick: Finally, their main weakness is high frequencies, or as shown in the movies, yodeling. This shatters their helmets and makes their heads explode into slime.
Wiz: But this doesn’t keep them from being some of the most terrifying invaders in history.
Boomstick: And guess what? They may be after you next!
Intermission[]
Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set! We've run the data through all possibilities.
Boomstick: IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLE!!!
Death Battle[]
Watsonville, California: 12:30 PM[]
The dirty, horrible land known as Watsonville was crawling with motor-powered vehicles and people rushing to pull out multiple tasks. One car, however, went faster than the rest and it managed to swerve through the busy streets before driving up a single, untouched road. The vehicle finally stops and parks on top of a mountain, looking down over the crowded streets of Watsonville. Out from the vehicle emerged two human beings: one male and one female.
Both of them found their way on to the roof of the car, and they began to look up at the blank sky, only left with sheer darkness due to the horrible light pollution of the area. They began to chat, until the camera moved backwards, leaving their voices inaudible.
Back somewhere in the forest, a deer managed to trot alongside the forest slope, dirt catching up in her hooves. The majestic creature stood up and looked into a lake, staring blankly at her reflection.
Suddenly, behind her, a white, pale face appeared and cackled madly. Before she knew it, a pink beam completely overtook her and left her in a cocoon. The camera moved upwards, and an entire group of freakish, goofy-looking alien creatures stood. They all began to cackle madly, marking this land as Killer Klown territory. All of them managed to bound forwards and slowly march on towards their chosen targets.
Meanwhile, farther down the forest, a single stereotypical UFO sat down in the forest with smoke rising down from the ground. What could it be? A monster grilling a perished man? A sinister killer lighting a forest on fire? No.
It was the Martians having a full-on forest luau.
The black boom box on a table filled with multiple confections jumped up and down as the nearby aliens danced! The Martian Ambassador jumped down off of the single UFO and began to breakdance on the dirty ground as the crowd of his peers began to get rowdy and cheer! Suddenly, a Martian ran from the corner with a small remote-like object, and began to howl in Martian-ease. The Ambassador stood up and ran towards his shrieking minion, and grabbed the device straight from his hands.
He looked down on the device and grew a massive, freaky grin. The Martian Ambassador tossed the device to the ground, stood up on the tallest rock, and delivered a inspiring speech…
“Ack-ack! Ack-ack-ack-ack-ack! Ack! Ack-ack-ack! AAAAAAACKKKK!!!”
The Martians began to cheer and jump up and the Martian Ambassador began to charge forwards… not before shooting the boom box to shut the music up.
The car still sat outside of the forest despite it being past midnight now. The teenage couple still managed to chat late, unbeknownst to them what events were about to occur.
Behind the brush, the Klowns stood with blasters in hand, ready to forward their attack. Meanwhile on the left side, the selected group of Martians cackled to themselves and loaded their weapons. The male teenager heard a small cackling noise and pulled himself off the car, slowly treading towards the dark bush. As he neared it, a green beam sifted right past him, missing only by an inch! The beam struck a bird flying nearby and the bones clattered to the ground. Quickly, the male ran back to the car and leaped inside screaming.
This caught the female’s attention, who popped up from the roof and looked around, confused as to what was happening. Suddenly, a pink blast erupted from the bush and rushed towards her! She managed to hop down in time and climb into the car before locking the door shut. Behind the vehicle emerged both groups: 6 in each.
As the sides treaded towards the vehicle, they both turned and noticed their opposing invaders ducking in for the kill as they were. The leader of the pack Jumbo scratched his chin, before he noticed what was going on: these pesky green invaders were after his fresh meat! Quickly, he shouted and waved his arm towards his club, and they aimed. The Martians repeated, and ensued the battle by aiming towards his attackers.
FIGHT![]
Both Shorty and the runt of the Martians bash into each other with unrelenting force, sheer momentum flying off their impact. Shorty rolled back and delivered a punch to the Martian’s chest, knocking him off balance. However, the Martian caught himself and rammed into Shorty again before dealing a fearsome kick in his chest. The Martian laughed to himself until Shorty’s elongated arm sprung from the dirt, smacking him directly in the face! The tiny green invader blasted off further into the battlefield as the small clown dashed across.
Meanwhile, Fatso and another Martian were brawling. The obese Klown pulled his cotton candy ray from his back pocket, before lifting it towards the Martian with a smirk in his eye. He fired, but the quick Martian dodged all the shots before deflecting it with his metal arm piece. Despite his efforts, Fatso grabbed the Martian by the helmet and shook him up. The Martian growled and kicked Fatso in the chest before firing his Disintegrator Ray directly at the weakened Klown who managed to counter attack with his own weapon. Fatso, visibly furious, charged towards the Martian and bodied him and pushed him away.
In the distance, Spiky and another Martian are duking it out with their bare fists. The Martian scowls and grabs Spiky by the arm in an attempt to overthrow him, but he is simply too weak to do it. Spiky grins and flips the Martian over and slams him into the ground. Before he can regain his strength, the Martian sees the tall Klown shifting a tubular balloon with his hands. Confused, the space invader suddenly releases a cartoonish yelp as the balloon snarls and chases him down like a bloodhound.
A plan quickly forms in the helmeted green creature, which results in him firing his ray at the balloon beast. A huge puff of smoke erupts from the ground, leaving a snarling, massive legitimate hound standing and snarling. The Martian dodged the charging beast and cackled until it came back and tackled him again. He activated his ray again and sent the mutt flying into the woods. The Martian firmly looked around and realized his original foe was gone!
A small pellet whacked him in the head during this scene of confusion. The invader slowly shifted his head and saw Spiky standing there with a humongous bazooka. The massive weapon charged as the Martian shrunk back in fear. Suddenly, a few tiny pellets hit the green creature in the head! The annoyed Martian fired his disintegrator ray at Spiky who managed to catch it with his bare hands, flustering him. Spiky released a devilish grin and pulled a folding table straight from his back before covering it with a cloth and three cups.
The Martian quickly noticed what was expected, and his painted foe shuffled the cups around with incredible speed as to where his arms appeared as blurs. Soon enough, the identical cups stood still. The tiny green invader pointed to one cup, and the Klown lifted it slowly before the blast fired from beneath the tupperware and aimed straight for the Martian! He whipped out his disintegrator ray and readied a shot, but the blast hit the ray and quickly melted the weapon. The Martian realized a strange yell and dashed away, with Spiky lifting the table and dashing after him.
Across the forest, two massive rocks stand face to face. Behind the rock emerges a small pink blast that was instantly destroyed by another green beam. Rudy, the one who fired the pink blast, stood behind the rock and loaded his weapon again before aiming outside of his giant shield. His blast was countered by another opposing beam, and he shrunk back to gather more strength. A Martian was standing on the other side maintaining the same issues as his opposer.
Rudy quickly thought of a quick move and reached into the pockets of his bright suit. Soon enough, he was holding a party horn and he twirled his fingers before putting it in his mouth.
The Klown delivered a mighty puff to the small paper tool which sent it maneuvering forwards and nearing the Martian. Confused, the green invader rushed to tackle the tube, before it punched him directly in the face! The flustered Martian grabbed the horn and tore it in half, which angered his jocular foe. The tiny suited humanoid rushed towards Rudy and attempted to tackle him but was pushed away by a crushing blow to the chest.
Rudy lifted his hands into the air and began shifting them in a peculiar manner, before a massive shadow was cast over the nearby boulder. The Martian stared in a confused manner before the formless flat shadow began to take shape. The Martian watched in awe as it shifted into the planet Saturn, rings shifting in a quick manner. The planet soon formed into a dancing woman, alluring the already attracted invader.
Finally, the shadow was quickly morphed into a massive, spiny dragon with glowing red eyes. The Martian clapped and hopped in glee as Rudy unleashed a devilish grin. Soon, the dragon opened its ferocious maw, and a massive barrage of flames erupted towards the Martian who released one last shriek before being engulfed in heat and dwindled down into a small pile of ash.
KO #1![]
A quick wave of silence spreads over the area as all the fighters slowly turn and stare at the pile of ash. Shorty, however, shrugs and punches a nearby Martian in the face and all sides continue the prolonged conflict.
Across the field, a Martian runs away in terror as a floating, obese Klown pursues him on what seems to be a transparent motorbike. Fatso grins as he pushes the pedals further down and speeds towards his green opponent. Inches away from colliding with the Martian, Fatso suddenly gulps in terror as the invader readies his ray and blasts the bike, leaving another cloud of smoke erupting from the forest floor and floating into the air.
A deep snort appeared from under the smoke, and as soon as it faded, an angry bull stood in front of the Martian. The furious creature began to leap up and down to shake Fatso off of his back, but the obese Klown stood firm and gripped the horns. The bull snarled before speeding towards the Martian who had already began running away.
On the sidelines, the couple was still managing to survive inside of their car despite all the chaos. The male turns the key and the car activates, but to no prevail, as an angry Martian hopped on the front of the vehicle and began to pound on the glass. Suddenly, the bull dashed through and rams into the vehicle, dropping the Martian into the ground. However, the car was hooked onto the bull’s horns, and the raging beast knocked the vehicle off of his head. The car managed to land on its wheels and it quickly sped off.
The couple sighed as they drove down the hill. But then, BAM! The car drove directly into Magori, who was patiently waiting for his turn on the battlefield. Quickly, the vehicle drove away and left the accursed area.
Back on the hill, the tumbling Martian stood on his feet and leaped towards Fatso, pushing the Klown off the bull and securing him a seat. The green invader cackled and pulled a montera out from his back before the bull snarled.
The bull, however, spots Spike’s red hair in the distance and begins to charge towards him instead, catching him by surprise and pushing him against a tree. The Klown managed to slip under the bull and gathered his attention by whistling. He reached into his mouth, and pulled out a red blanket, declaring war.
In another part of the field, Shorty and the little Martian continued their brawl. The Martian clocks Shorty directly in the painted lips and grabs him by the neck. Angrily, he began to shake the Klown up and down and pushed him to the dirt. Conveniently for the Klown, a molehill was planted right under his fist and he shot it through. The extended arm tapped the Martian on the back and the green creature turned around. The fist began to shake up and down, declaring a match of rock-paper-scissors.
3…
2…
1!
The Martian drawed scissors as the hand stood clenched. The Martian gulped, and he was sent flying in the night sky! Shorty giggled, until a furious mole popped out of the hole and ran across his arm! The Klown shrieked as he began to spin his arm around to shake him off, which succeeded. However, in doing so, Shorty had tied his arm to a tree by accident and frowned.
Suddenly, the bull dashed across the field and was headed directly for Shorty! The Klown screamed in terror and tried to untangle himself to no prevail. The bull tackled the helpless Klown and his arm was hooked onto the beast’s leg instead.
Meanwhile, a barbaric Martian leaped around the battlefield, waiti for action. He equipped his blaster and walked around for a bit, before Bibbo leaped out from a nearby bush! The tall Klown was wielding a massive hammer, but the Martian stood fearless. He fired a blast as the hammer swung down to crush him, catapulting the weapon high into the air! The mallet began to fall from the sky and it whacked Bibbo in the nose. The painted invader gulped, and soon enough, he exploded into a cloud of confetti!
KO #2![]
The Martian pumped his fist upwards in victory, before the hammer fell down and smashed his head completely, leaving green goo leaking from the sides of his helmet.
KO #3![]
The bull darted past and trampled the corpse of the Martian, leaving small chunks of metal and green goop. Spiky was hopping and giggling while holding the red blanket to attract the bull. While being dragged, Shorty managed to stretch his free arm out forwards and grab the green-stained hammer. The tiny Klown quickly crawled to the top of the bull and readied his blow!
Suddenly, the beast rammed into Jumbo, who was busy watching the fight. The big Klown toppled upwards and was hit in the head by the mallet! Jumbo tumbled off the bull and yelled in anger. Meanwhile, the Martian stood cackling at the fact that Shorty missed. Jumbo, who landed on his feet, aimed towards the Martian with the balloon ray, and fired!
The blast missed, however, and shot the bull, trapping it in a balloon with Shorty and the Martian tied to the rope on the bottom. The two buffoons began to take turns slapping each other until the balloon hit a sharp branch on a tree, popping the inflated prison. Both the Klown and the Martian plummeted to the ground at blinding speeds. The green invader, however, hopped on to Shorty’s back and slammed him in the dirt on impact. The Martian smirked as Shorty groaned and seemed to deflate.
Seconds later, Shorty bounced off the floor and was fired into the air with the Martian tagging along! The Martian screamed as he floated high in the air, and soon enough, went toppling down!
He caught himself though, and stood in the middle of the forest alone. The Martian looked around and lifted his blaster tight to his chest, searching for his opponent to reappear.
Suddenly, Shorty rocketed out of the trees mounted on an invisible motorbike and trailed after the Martian! The green invader howled in fear and quickly sped off. The motorbike left flaming tire marks as it chased the Martian, lighting the trees on fire and creating even more havoc than what existed beforehand. The armies turned heads as the fire began to spread across the once lush forest, before shrugging it off and resuming their clashes. Meanwhile, the motorcycle itself caught on fire and Shorty howled as he quickly disembarked the flaming, wheeled vehicle.
The motorcycle stayed intact, however, and it continued to chase the Martian. Seconds before it hit the defenseless invader, a fellow Martian blasted the bike with the ray, transforming it into a harmless squirrel. The two Martians began to celebrate, until Fatso ran towards them both holding his massive popcorn bazooka.
The popcorn kernels begin to stick on one Martian who freaks out and runs away. The other Martian, however, charged towards Fatso and fired at him with his ray, pushing the Klown backwards. The obese alien catches himself quickly and reaches into his back. The Martian stands, confused. Fatso then revealed a small cream pie topped with an innocent little cherry.
The Martian laughs at this sight and begins slapping his knee. Fatso’s happy grin suddenly dropped into a furious scowl as he took one step backwards, raised his arm, and pitched the pie like a baseball! The dessert hit the Martian in the back and he was suddenly electrocuted. The acid from the pie melted into the circuits of his suit and he began to hop and move out of control.
Fatso, towering above the Martian, reveals a hammer in his hands and smashes it down on the Martian, cracking his suit and sending an electrical surge across the ground. The green invader quickly brandished a small, black remote with a comically large red button. He laid his finger down on the button, and suddenly…
Nothing happened. The Klown dropped his hammer and grinned. He grab the Martian by the neck, and right before he was able to sock him, a loud rumbling was heard across the forest.
A massive, mechanical creation stomped across the ground, sending the animals from the forest speeding outwards to avoid instant death. Fatso looked up in the sky and fear tickled his spine. A massive, glowing robot had appeared! Instantly, all the Klowns in the area looked up in shock as all the Martians grinned and laughed.
The robot stared down at the frightened Klowns and a massive laser fired from the mech: the beam burned the ground even more and set the Klowns on fire. Using this to his advantage, a very angry Martian leaped towards Spike who was rolling in the ground to remove the fire. The Klown, however, leaped up and dodged the Martian. The dumbfounded invader stared into the skies until, suddenly, Spike tumbled down and scattered popcorn in his face! The Martian, however, stood and laughed at the pitiful attack.
But then, long, bony necks sprouted from the popcorn and multiple Klown heads popped out, staring menacingly at the flustered Martian. Klown snakes slithered around the green invader who began to attack the beasts. Out of the blue, another Martian went and began to punch Spike who instantly fell to the floor. Spike roared and punched the Martian in the chest before revealing an acid pie and tossing it in a very cartoonish matter.
The pie swirled towards the Martian who managed to knock it out of the air with a blast. However, some acid fell and hit the Martian’s blaster, causing it to shake and sputter. A beam fired from the ray and it bounced off of Spike’s shoe. The beam headed towards another Klown who was struck by it and was suddenly fired backwards. Shorty, the Klown that was hit, fell on his bottom and looked around the battlefield. He saw his fellow Klowns being bruised and battered by the opposing Martians and he had a bright idea.
Shorty revealed a small, remote-like object with a speaker and a button on it. He pressed the button and began to talk in his native language. Shorty nodded his head and pressed the button before grinning ear to ear with his spiky teeth.
Deep in the forest…
The Big Top spaceship sat patiently in the woods, surrounded by trees and wildlife. Bibbo and Chubby sat on two logs playing poker. Bibbo was grinning while holding his deck close. Chubby sat his cards down, with only a single pair. Bibbo laughed and slammed his deck down, revealing a royal flush! Chubby yelled and began to pound on the table set in the middle as Bibbo cackled.
Suddenly, the Big Top rose into the air and shook the ground, flipping the table and leaving a big hole in the ground. Chubby dashed towards the exiting ship and grabbed Bibbo by the arm and dragged him to the side of the ship. The Klown grabbed on the lights dangling from the side and clutched his blaster, laughing as the ship flew away into the sky.
The Big Top fell from the sky and crashed down on the burning forest, leaving the Martians in awe. The door slowly lifted upwards and smoke flurried from the crack in the door.
(Cue: The Boys Are Back In Town)
Multiple silhouettes of tall, fat, short, and even downright bizarre creatures walked slowly out of the ship. They were all clutching weapons while grinning ear to ear. The Martians stared in confusion as to what their foes were doing. The Klowns moved out of the way, and suddenly, a motorcycle rocketed out of the ship and crashed directly into a Martian, exploding its head into green goop and splattering the innards on the Klown riding the bike.
KO #4![]
The Klown leaped off the motorcycle and it dashed towards another Martian. However, this Martian managed to leap over it and hop on the back before taking up the reins of the motorbike. Sparks covered the ground as the alien headed right towards Slim who was firing at multiple Martians. In an instant, the Martian readied a punch as he propelled forwards from his bike. Inches away from the Klown, the Martian turned his head slowly and saw Rosebud and Daisy standing, grinning ear to ear with painted lips. The Martian, flustered, suddenly began to drool and smile.
Before he could react, the Martian was punched in the gut by Slim. Slim lifted the motorcycle and tossed it towards the tumbling Martian, smashing him and sending him rolling down the hill. Injured, the Martian hid behind the invisible bike and cocked his gun. Slim marched down towards the motorbike and aimed towards the Martian who, unbeknownst to him, was visible behind the bike. The green invader sighed in the thought that he was safe.
The Klown tossed a pie at the bike, which made the Martian leap out in fear! Before he could react, the Martian was suddenly clocked in the chest with another pie and grabbed under the neck by Slim. Worried, the Martian looked around and saw the massive robot stomping towards him. Quickly, the Martian pointed to the sky which grabbed Slim’s attention. The green invader pushed Slim to the ground and wiggled out of his grasp.
The Klown growled as he attempted to get up, but it was too late. A massive, metallic foot hovering above Slim, and in one quick movement, it hit the ground and completely flattened the Klown, his nose popping along with the rest of his body.
KO #5![]
The Martian laughed maniacally as the confetti blasted out from beneath the foot. Slim’s hand puppet dropped to the ground, marking that the Klown was no more.
However, this confetti explosion made the robot fall backwards and hit the ground. The Martians all gasped and ran towards the cockpit to free the driver. They pulled the lid open, and all gasped in shock when the mighty Martian Ambassador walked out of the cockpit. The Klowns all stood and stared as the leader dramatically stomped down from the head of the mech and raised his arms to the air. He yelled out as he pointed towards the Klowns and all of the Martians in the area charged towards their painted foes.
(Cue: Enemy Approaching / Alien Battle)
The Klowns, too, bolted towards their interstellar opponents. Jumbo, who was leading, dived in for a punch on the Ambassador, but the Martian leader sliced him in the chest with his arm blade and took his shrink ray out from under his cape. A green laser fired towards Jumbo, but the big Klown managed to leap over it and encase the shot in a balloon. Managing to catch the colorful bubble, Jumbo readied a pitcher’s position and tossed a screwball! The Martian Ambassador sliced the beam and it fired directly to the side.
Meanwhile, Spike was brawling with another Martian. Swiftly, Spike pounded his foe in the face and began to fire popcorn in a circle around him. The tall Klown laughed as the Martian was suddenly surrounded by slender, worm-like Klown snakes. Spike pulled a hammer out from his back and lifted it high to the sky…
Until suddenly, the shrink beam hit him directly in the side and sized him down to the size of a nickel. Shocked, the Klown looked up and saw the Martian towering over him, big eyes beaming down on his small body. Spike releasing a high-pitched scream and began to climb up the Klown snakes as the Martian began to beat them up in an attempt to destroy his miniature opponent.
In another section, Shorty managed to find the same runt of the litter he began the battle with. Holding a grudge, the tiny Klown pulled his ray from his back and fired, only to miss because his fingers were stuck in the gloves. The beam charged across the battlefield and moved directly past a Klown’s face, before burning a hole in the Big Top ship. The entire cotton front of the ship was engulfed in flames. The Klowns all shrieked in fear until they saw two big, red eyes peering from the darkness. A massive claw grabbed the side of the Big Top and a humongous, fearsome Klown stood outside of the ship before releasing an ear-piercing roar that gained the Martians’ attention as well.
For a second, both armies paused to stare. In the distance, a random Klown yelled in anger and both armies stared at each other before lunging at each other and clashing.
The Ambassador was still struggling with Jumbo who put up a strong fight. Furious, the Ambassador unveiled his arm blade again and slashed at Jumbo’s belly, but the shirt seemed to restore and the wound was fully healed. The Ambassador grumbled and leaned in for a jab at Jumbo. His fist hit the Klown in the ches, but the force managed to push the Martian backwards at a fast speed.
The Ambassador still had his blade out, however, and he flew directly into the face of Fatso, stabbing directly though his nose like a dartboard. The Klown yelled as he began to spin and explode into loads of confetti.
KO #6![]
The Ambassador fell to the floor with no clue what had just happened while drenched in confetti. Jumbo looked with shock in his eyes as he charged towards his foe with a hammer.
Meanwhile, the robot and JoJo the Klownzilla were having a massive fistfight above the rest of the conflict. Another Martian was controlling the robot while his leader was busy. The Martian cackled as he pressed a red button. A massive, red laser fired down through Klownzilla’s chest, leaving organs dangling down from the visible hole. However, the hole managed to reform as JoJo laughed and grabbed the robot by the head before kneeing it and lifting it over his back. The Martian yelled as Klownzilla jumped backwards and slammed him on the ground in the middle of the forest far away from the clash.
The robot's arm tumbled off as he was smashed into the ground. The Martian inside began to scream in terror as he hit the back of the cockpit, but he managed to grab a lever and crank it downwards. JoJo stood above the robot, laughing, but his laugh suddenly turned into a gasp as the robot got back on its feet and began to rapidly pound him in his chest. The robot grabbed Klownzilla by the neck and held him over the edge. Grunting in pain, Klownzilla began to spit acid pies at the cockpit of the robot, blocking off the Martian pilot's vision and making him panic. JoJo revealed a malicious grin as he grabbed the head of the robot and ripped it off! He tossed the cockpit into the distance, but the pilot managed to parachute down to the battlefield.
However, the destroyed robot would not let go from Klownzilla's neck, and the weight of the robot proved overwhelming. The mechanical monster pushed JoJo off the cliff and pinned him to the ground. A loud boom was heard and all of the combatants saw the massive Klown pinned down by the fizzing, destroyed robot. Jumbo saw Klownzilla immobilized and yelled before delivering a blow to the Martian Ambassador's chest. The caped alien rolled to the floor and revealed the blade from his arm.
Quickly, the Ambassador got on his feet and ran towards Jumbo before stabbing him in the neck and attempting to pull his blade up to his nose! However, he paused for a second, and began to look up into the sky. Jumbo pulled a blood-covered acid pie from his back as the Ambassador fell to the floor, lifeless. He saw Shorty in the distance giving a thumbs-up and Jumbo did the same.
KO #7![]
Pacingly, Jumbo shoved his arm up the bleeding hole on the dead Ambassador's back and pushed his arm towards his head. The Ambassador stood up and his eyes opened, before unleashing an evil chuckle.
Jumbo climbed to the top of the massive boulder and lifted the Ambassador to the sky. In Martian-ese, the controlled corpse began to speak to the Martians. "Ack-ack ack ack ack-ack ack ack aaaacckk!!" the puppet yelled to his peers. Instantly the Martians lined up and stared at their controlled leader and saluted to him. On the sides, Spike laughed malevolently. He formed his hands together, and a massive shadow puppet that appeared to be a dinosaur took form. The massive creature snapped down on the remaining Martians, killing them all instantly. Jumbo dropped the Ambassador off the boulder top and he hit the floor, his helmet shattering and mashing his head into a fine green paste. The Klowns all walked towards the town, ready to continue their invasion no matter how many soldiers they had lost in the recent battle.
FINAL KO![]
Conclusion[]
Boomstick: …woah, what? What the hell did we just witness? Does this mean that they’re finally getting a sequel?
Wiz: This was a very… strange match to follow, to say the least. Both sides were equal when it comes to chaos and physics-breaking weaponry.
Boomstick: Yeah, the Martians definitely had the upper hand in the brainy shit. The Klowns aren’t too dumb, but their level of smarts is pretty small compared to the wise-guy attitudes of the Martians!
Wiz: Plus they also had better weaponry, given that they had access to humongous robots and rays that could wipe out living things with a single hit.
Boomstick: But, despite how strong those rays where, they wouldn't be able to do shit unless it hit the Klown's noses! With how high the Klowns can jump and their toon force, I don't think it'd be too easy to surprise the Klowns.
Wiz: That also brings us to another one of the Klown's advantages: the element of surprise. From acid pies to shadow puppets, seemingly innocent things become weapons in the hands of the Killer Klowns.
Boomstick: Speaking of hands, the Klowns were also way physically stronger than the Martians! Wiz, do the math for us.
Wiz: Given that it takes about 2,711 joules to destroy glass, a single punch from Shorty's 3,900 joules-worth fist would be more than enough to completely shatter Martian glass.
Boomstick: Plus, the Martian Ambassador, the most powerful Martian, had his glass broken by about 5 punches from a human's bare fists! And physical strength wasn't their only advantage!
Wiz: The Killer Klowns were also more durable than the Martians, mainly because they have nigh-indestructible bodies and only one weakness while the Martians have a couple of weaknesses and frail bodies. Plus the Klowns could travel around faster. They have extremely powerful jumps along with invisible motorcycles to get their steps in while the Martians mostly fire from afar.
Boomstick: But Wiz, what about the Martian's robot? Couldn't it just destroy the Klowns from high above?
Wiz: That's where JoJo comes in. Klownzilla is about the same size as the robot and has ranged attacks similar to it as well. JoJo also doesn't need a Klown to control him while the robots need something in the cockpit to be controlled.
Boomstick: And despite the Martian's more effective arsenal, the Klowns had a much, much bigger stash of deadly weapons on hand!
Wiz: The Martians were certainly smarter and held more lethal weaponry, but the Klowns' strength, speed, durability, and overall element of surprise paved their way to victory.
Boomstick: I guess the Klowns could give enough kicks in the Mar-shins to merry-go-round!
Wiz: The winners are the Killer Klowns from Outer Space.
Next Time[]
Therion: I'm looking for a certain stone. One stolen from a certain manor.
Puss in Boots: I smell something familiar. Something dangerous. Something... breakfasty.
Therion vs Puss in Boots
Trivia[]
- The connections between the Klowns and the Martians are that they’re both maniacal, comedic orders of “intelligent” alien races bent on destruction. Both enter Earth in a comedically large spaceship, and are believed to have come in peace before going on mass rampages across the areas they invaded. Both also have small, dangerous ray guns that can kill with one hit (Cotton Candy gun/Disintegrator Ray) and have one crucial weakness that was lead to their ultimate defeats (Popping their noses/the helmet glass breaking).
- The fight would be animated in Blender.The soundtrack for this battle would be called Killer Invaderz.
BigShark81913
