| Kato vs. Melinda May | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Season 1, Episode 1 | |
| Air date | July 18, 2016 |
| Written by | I'm Lynda |
| Episode guide | |
| Previous None |
Next Flattop Jones vs. Tracer Bullet |
Kato vs. Melinda May is a What-If? Death Battle by I'm Lynda. It features Kato from DC's Green Hornet series, and Melinda May from Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Description[]
One of DC’s hard hitting martial arts masters squares off with the heavy hitter of Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Interlude[]
Boomstick: In a world where super-powered superheroes do battle among the clouds, there are still plenty of people right here on the ground in serious need of having their asses kicked.
Wiz: And that is why the Green Hornet has his martial artist sidekick, Kato.
Boomstick: And why S.H.I.E.L.D. has the hard charging Agent Melinda May.
Wiz: I’m Wiz, and he’s Boomstick.
Boomstick: And it's our job to analyze their weapons and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
Kato[]
Wiz: Since the 1930s, there has been a Green Hornet fighting crime on the mean streets of...
Boomstick: Well, wherever it is that the Green Hornet fights crime. He didn't like being too specific.
Wiz: Right. And, as long as there has been a Green Hornet, he has had a member of the Kato family to back him up.
Boomstick: The first Kato was Ikano Kato, whom Britt Reid the elder rescued and took on as a friend, valet and all-around ass-kicker.
Wiz: A student of both Bushido, "the way of the warrior," and Shinobido, "the way of the ninja," Ikano Kato was a man of honor, and also a man of incredible martial arts ability.
Boomstick: And when Ikano Kato retired, he returned to Japan to raise his family. His number one son, Hayashi Kato, was a dedicated student of all that Ikano had to teach him. He drank in the concepts of honor and duty, and also the techniques of fighting and invisibility...but mostly fighting.
Wiz: And when Britt Reid's nephew, named Britt Reid in the older man's honor, picked up the mantle of the Green Hornet, young Hayashi Kato enthusiastically joined him.
Boomstick: And when the Green Hornet needed a door kicked open, or an ass seriously kicked, he turned to Kato. Kato fought gangsters and gunmen and professional killers one at a time, two at a time, and sometimes whole gangs at once!
Wiz: And once protection boss Duke Slate recruited tong-leader Low Sing, a kung-fu master and ruthless murderer, as his enforcer. Before long, the Green Hornet engineered a confrontation between Kato and Low Sing.
Boomstick: It was an epic fight, with punches and kicks, but when Kato closed in and delivered a series of rapid-fire jabs to Low Sing's solar plexus, it was a definite case of "Boom, boom, out go the lights."
Wiz: That's right, Kato is a master of the flying fist, and he is not an opponent to be taken lightly.
Melinda May[]
Boomstick: The Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division...Damn, that’s a mouthful!...has been fighting bad guys since 1967, and one of the best ass-kickers that S.H.I.E.L.D. produced was Agent Melinda May.
Wiz: That’s right, known affectionately as, “the Cavalry,” Melinda May can charge into any situation with nothing but her empty hands, and save the day.
Boomstick: May has fought opponents one at a time, two at a time, ten at a time…
Wiz: And, once she fought an inhuman named Giyera in an empty room, so she could negate his telekinetic powers, and pummel him into unconsciousness with her bare hands.
Boomstick: Trifle with this little lady at your own peril – she’s a one woman army. She’ll kick you in your privates, and beat you in general!
Intermission[]
Wiz: Alright the combatants are set; let’s end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: Its time for a DEATH BATTLE!
DEATH BATTLE![]
Pre-Fight []
Melinda May peered around the corner of a building into a dark alley. Up four stairs, there was a back door to the building, with a single light bulb-fixture illuminating the landing. A gleaming black limousine entered the alley and parked at the side door. A tall man in a fedora and trench coat got out of the back, while the driver got out of the front. The two men spoke in hushed tones, and then the tall man rushed in through the door. The driver walked to the back of the car, and stood watching the mouth of the alley.
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May spoke into her radio: "We’ve got party crashers. One inside, and one outside with the car."
Phil Coulson’s voice came back over the com: "We need that alley clear. Get the car out of there as quickly as possible."
May took a deep breath. The driver had his back to her, so she began slinking up the alley as quietly as possible. She had almost reached the man when something under her foot made a barely audible crunch. Instantly, the driver spun around and dropped into a fighting stance.
May’s face registered her disappointment as she too dropped into her fighting stance. The driver, dressed in a ridiculous chauffeur's outfit smiled, straightened up, and performed an almost courtly bow before returning to his fighting stance. ‘This guy spends too much time at the dojo,’ May thought to herself. ‘And, why is he wearing a mask?’
FIGHT! []
May launched a roundhouse kick at the man’s head, but he simply leaned back, letting it pass inches from his face. May stepped forward and launched another roundhouse kick, but the man simply danced backward, bouncing on his feet like a cat that had learned to dance. Kato: "Hwaah!"
Kato’s kiai startled May. She had learned long ago to fight as quietly as possible, to not attract attention, which was all too often unwanted. Her opponent didn’t seem to care. ‘Way too much time at the dojo,’ she decided.
Kato launched a kick straight at May’s head: "Hai!"
And another: "Hai!"
May blocked the kick, and then spun into a new roundhouse kick. The shot connected, and Kato went down. He rolled quickly to the side, and leapt back into his fighting stance before May could capitalize on her success.
Kato leapt forward and kicked at May: "Haaa!"
She blocked the shot, and Kato fired two punches at her face: "Ha! Ha!"
May blocked the punches, and then launched an attack of her own, punching Kato in the face, then the solar plexus. Then she pivoted, elbowed him in the stomach, grabbed his head and flipped him over her back.
She aimed another punch at the prone man’s face, but quick as a snake, he grabbed her arm, and flipped her over him: "He-yah!"
May turned her momentum into a roll, and leapt to her feet, facing him in time to see him also on his feet and in position.
May stepped forward and kicked, stepped forward and kicked, stepped forward and kicked, driving Kato back. The fourth kick connected, spinning her opponent around: "Haia! Haia! Haia! Heyow!"
Kato reset himself, and began bouncing from his front foot to his back foot and back again. Then, he strutted to the left and the right – his heels never touching the ground. "Haaaa," (he cooed).
He launched a kick and then pulled it back when May moved to block it: "Hew."
He bounced on his feet, and moved to the left, launching a punch, which he also pulled back as May moved to block it: "Hew."
May kicked at his head with her right foot, and then spun into a roundhouse kick with her left. Kato ducked under the kick and slid to the right.
Still bouncing like a crazy toy, he darted forward, and rained two punches on her face and two on her stomach: "Haai! Haai! Haai! Haai!"
May fell back, reached behind her and drew her pistol – she needed to end this fight quickly. As she brought the weapon up, Kato’s hands moved in a blur, tossing something at her: "Hwi!"
May felt the impact on her gun, and looked in amazement at the thing sticking out of its barrel. It had yellow feathers! What would happen if she fired it?
Before she could decide, Kato fired a wide kick, booting the pistol out of her hand: "Hei!"
Then, he kicked again, spinning her back: "Hei!"
She turned around, and ran from the man, feeling him pursuing more than hearing it. She ran up and off of the wall of the building, and leaped over his head. When Kato turned, she brought her left foot around, and kicked him hard in the face.
Kato danced back, and then left, clearing himself from the building wall. He turned slightly, and spat a mouthful of blood disdainfully onto the ground. May kicked her left at his head, and Kato ducked and danced back: "Hwa!"
She kicked her right and he ducked and danced back again: "Hwa!"
She kicked her left and he ducked and danced back yet again: "Hwa!"
She kicked her right, and this time Kato ducked and kicked her supporting left out from under her: “Hai!”
May rolled and leapt to her feet, finding Kato right before her. He showered punches on her face, her stomach, her face, her stomach: "Hei! Hei! Hei! Hei!"
May doubled over, grabbed Kato around the waist, and then flipped him up and over her back – his back hitting the building’s brick wall. He landed on his head, in a pile on the ground.
May dove in and aimed a powerful punch at Kato’s groin. She grimaced when her fist made contact with an abdominal guard. Kato rolled forward, brought his legs up, and wrapped them around May’s head.
Kato rolled furiously to the side, spinning May along by her head: "Haaaa!"
There was a sickening crack, and May went limp.
K.O.! []
Kato looked down sadly at May’s broken body.
Suddenly, the Green Hornet ran out of the building, and Kato joined him in jumping into the Black Beauty. The car accelerated quickly out of the alley, and then sped off into the night, its green headlights illuminating the street before it.
Phil Coulson gathered May’s body into his arms and cradled her in his lap, his face a mask of sorrow.
Results[]
Boomstick: Youch! A K.O. for Kay-toh.
Wiz: Yes, the two combatants were both excellent martial artists. May’s style of fighting relied heavily on her closing quickly with her opponent and using powerful punches and kicks to overwhelm him or her in a short period of time.
Boomstick: When she couldn’t overwhelm an opponent quickly, like when she fought Grant Ward or Agent 33, she counted on her ability to dish out more punishment than she had to take.
Wiz: Kato, on the other hand, employed a fluid form of combat, relying on speed and flexibility that kept him outside of May’s grasp. His form of combat relied on quick retreats and quick attacks that showered his opponent with fast hits that came in too quick to take, like the way he finished off Low Sing.
Boomstick: This meant that May could not lock into Kato, and deliver the kind of punishment she needed to, to take him down.
Wiz: The winner is Hayashi Kato!
Next Time[]
Next time on Death Battle! it's a battle of the noirest against the noirest when we present Flattop Jones vs. Tracer Bullet!
Trivia[]
- This What-If? Death Battle was the first one begun, and the first one completed by contributor I’m Lynda.