| Brawlers of the Bloody Stones | |
|---|---|
| Season | 5 |
| Season Episode | 2 |
| Air date | August 31, 2023 |
| Written by | Professor Mewtwo |
| Episode guide | |
| Previous Chaos vs Kyogre |
Next Tracer vs Number Five |
Joseph Joestar vs Edward Elric is a What-If? Death Battle created by Professor Mewtwo. It features Joseph Joestar from the anime/manga JoJo's Bizarre Adventure pitted against Edward Elric from the anime/manga Fullmetal Alchemist.
Description[]
JoJo's Bizarre Adventure vs Fullmetal Alchemist! These two sharp-minded heroes used their supernatural abilities to save humanity from a monstrous race set out to devour them! But when their fates collide, will JoJo's Hamon or Ed's Alchemy prove to be the superior power?
Poll[]
Got any roots or bets? Make sure to vote in the discussion poll!
Interlude[]
Wiz: Joseph Joestar, the Hamon Master with a Tendency for Battle.
Boomstick: Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist who seeks the Philosopher's Stone.
Wiz: When an ancient evil of bizarre proportions threatens our world, what kind of man does it take to save us all?
Boomstick: It takes a man who is bold, cunning, and a prodigy in an equally bizarre supernatural art. He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.
Wiz: And its our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win... a Death Battle.
Joseph Joestar knows what Death Battle will say next![]
Wiz: Long ago, a war between two brothers began that put the fate of all humanity at stake. The wicked Dio had acquired a stone mask that turned him into a vampire and planned to use its power to conquer the world, and only one man had the righteous fists to stop him: Jonathan Joestar, a.k.a JoJo.
Boomstick: And after a series of intense battles in an adventure most bizarre, the winner was him, Dio! May not have been the happy ending you all expected, but Jonathan still went out in the most hardcore way possible by clinging on to Dio and trapping him in an exploding ship while saving his wife Erina, their unborn child, and some random baby.
Wiz: As the years went on, the surviving children of that incident would grow up, fall in love, and eventually have a child of their very own, one destined to carry on his grandfather’s legacy. This child is none other than Joseph Joestar, a.k.a JoJo.
Boomstick: I suppose that’s one way to pass down the anime protagonist torch. Simply give them the same dorky nickname as the last guy so the title still makes sense. But despite his main character's birthright and swole as hell physique, Granny Erina didn’t approve of him saving the world.
Wiz: After one of Dio’s minions resurfaced to kill Joseph’s father and force his mother into hiding, Erina worried that Joseph would die if he got involved in his grandfather’s past, thus did everything she could to keep the Joestar family history a secret. This… didn’t work as Joseph had a knack for getting into trouble and picked fights with anyone who would harm those close to him.
Boomstick: Like the time the family friend and greatest wingman in history Speedwagon was getting mugged on his own plane. And because JoJo happened to be on that same plane, he decided to walk up to the pilot, ZAP HIS BRAINS OUT USING HIS BARE HANDS, and trap those muggers in the impending plane crash. I don’t know what the equivalent slang for “chill” was back then, but Joseph definitely needed to learn it.
Wiz: This was the first known instance of Joseph Joestar using Hamon, a supernatural art that harnesses the power of sunlight through breathing and allows their user to push their bodies to superhuman levels. In fact, it’s the same power that Johnathan used to fight Dio all those years ago.
Popup: Joseph most likely inherited Hamon from his mother, Lisa Lisa, as his father, George Joestar II, did not possess these abilities.
Boomstick: So he breathes in sunlight? What is he? Some sort of plant man?
Wiz: Well it’s not entirely like photosynthesis. It’s more like he stores solar energy within his body and concentrates it-
Boomstick: Boring! Moving on! Joseph may not have fully understood Hamon, but he quickly figured out its tricks and gimmick making him a prodigy in the art. Just in time too as the stone mask Dio had used turned out to be the tip of the iceberg when a bunch more were discovered next to these half-naked chads sleeping inside pillars.
Wiz: Appropriately named the Pillar Men, the creators of the stone masks. Far stronger and more dangerous than Dio or any vampire, these monsters sought a means to evolve into perfect beings while also devouring humanity in order to sustain their bodies.
Boomstick: Don’t think that’s a serious threat? Well the motherf*cking Nazis were literally the good guys in comparison. Yeah, now you see how serious this is.
Wiz: Now that a new threat was on the horizon, Joseph quickly learned about his family’s history with the masks and set out to finish the war his grandfather started by taking down the mask’s creators.
Boomstick: And with Hamon at his disposal, Joseph had everything he needed to outclass the superchads. Joseph can concentrate the Hamon he’s absorbed to unleash supercharged punches or pierce through other people’s hands with the poke of a finger. But thats nothing compared the amount of bullsh*t Hamon can really do.
Wiz: There are several substances in the world that can conduct Hamon, most notably liquids such as oil or water. It can even be transmitted through walls, the ground, and metal. This gives Joseph plenty of means to blast Hamon into an opponent and perform feats that would be incomprehensible to most people.
Boomstick: He can rapidly heal his wounds, walk on water or giant spikes, launch bottle caps with the force of a bullet, create force fields out using strands of hair, and make cacti explode.
Wiz: And if creating plant bombs isn’t enough, Hamon injected into targets to shut down entire organs resulting in instant death. Or it can be used to control a victim’s muscles effectively turning them into a docile puppet.
Boomstick: Who the hell is writing these powers!? Because last I checked, sunlight is only good for leaving nasty red marks after a bad day at the beach.
Wiz: Well Hamon isn’t exactly weaponizing the sun. It has been described as a form of life energy in which the user can control its flow and use it to affect their surroundings similar to how chi works.
Boomstick: Make sense because like every other anime protagonist who uses a wannabe chi power, Joseph needed a mentor that could push him to his full potential. So he tracked down the mysterious Lisa Lisa to learn how to master Hamon from her and get a peek of her super sexy body when takes a bath.
Wiz: Which he did… then later found out Lisa Lisa was his long lost mother.
Boomstick: …We really shouldn’t discuss that any further.
Wiz: Agreed.
Boomstick: JoJo’s hot mom proved to be the perfect teacher. Through one of the most intense training regimen ever conceived Joseph learned how to properly control his Hamon and become a threat to the Pillar Men. Though against guys who can make giant tornadoes and sprout chainsaws out of their arms, no amount of training was going to help Joseph stack up.
Wiz: Fortunately, Joseph has one weapon that exceeds the inconceivable power of mind: his cunning mind. Taking inspiration from the slight-of-hand tricks popularized in the 1700s, Joseph is a genius in deception able to fully analyze an enemy and exploit their weaknesses in almost no time at all.
Boomstick: He is the biggest troll out there, toying with an opponent's confidence and breaking them down with counters they don’t see coming. That’s especially the case with his favorite troll move-
Wiz: Next you’ll say “predicting the exact thing someone will- hey wait a minute, I’m not falling for that”.
Boomstick: Predicting the exact thing someone will- HEY WAIT A MINUTE, I’M NOT FALLING FOR THAT!
Boomstick gasps with a shocked anime expression.
Boomstick: How did you? When did you?
Wiz: Oh just simple psychology… and experimental tech that can see the future. It should be noted that this is more than a simple parlor trick. Joseph has used his predictions to throw people off, creating the minor distractions he needs to turn things around. In a way, Joseph’s signature move is the deadliest attack in the history of psychological warfare.
Boomstick: But words don’t help with beating people senseless, so Joseph keeps an assortment of tools on hand to back up his wits. He’s got grenades tied to other grenades, the clackers that hit hard and be thrown in boomerang fashion, and my personal favorite the tommy gun that he seemingly pulls out of thin air.
Wiz: Joseph is quite resourceful, able to conceal his equipment and make use of virtually anything. Case in point when it comes to threads made from Hamon-conducting material that he enjoys turning into snare traps and baiting his opponents right into them.
Popup: As a last resort Joseph has developed a “secret technique” for opponents he can’t beat head on. In reality, it is running away albeit with the intent of luring the opponent to a specific location.
Boomstick: Add in a zap of Hamon and it's basically the equivalent of getting hugged by an electric fence. And if you think JoJo ran out of tricks after that *laughs* you’d be wrong, because he went and got himself another tool, one more bizarre than the others: a Stand.
Wiz: Stands are the embodiment of a person’s spiritual energy that can take many different forms based on the user. In the case of Joseph Joestar, he developed the Stand Hermit Purple, an array of violet vines that sprout from his body and grant a variety of new abilities. He can extend Hermit Purple to swing across buildings, hack electronics, create divinations that provide vital information, or fill the vines with Hamon to shock anyone who touches them.
Boomstick: As a bonus, Stands can be seen or harmed by anyone who isn’t a Stand user making Hermit Purple impossible for any normal man to perceive. With enough tools and wit to make MacGayver jealous plus a healthy dose of Hamon, Joseph was able to best the Pillar Man at every turn keeping them from fulfilling their vile scheme.
Wiz: Which included keeping the Red Stone of Aja out of their grasp. This gem was a key component to the Pillar Men achieving perfection and could do so by concentrating sunlight and turning it into a power laser. Joseph happened to learn this when he managed to dodge one of these lasers when it unexpectedly fired.
Popup: While some video game adaptations portray Joseph using the Red Stone of Aja as a weapon, he had only done this unintentionally in canon making the stone unlikely to be a part of his arsenal.
Boomstick: Good thing he didn’t go out like an ant there since only he could handle the Pillar Men thanks to his smarts. Those guys had a history of wiping out more experienced Hamon users and were smart enough to learn everything about the modern world in roughly a day, yet not one of them could outwit Joseph Joestar. All that superchad energy really went to waste there.
Wiz: And being able to keep up with the Pillar Men in the first place means Joseph is stronger than their vampire and zombie minions. One particular zombie, Tarkus, destroyed a cliffside in a single blow. Based on the area of this cliff, Tarkus must have struck with over 80 Tons of TNT. That’s over 7 times stronger than the Mother of All Bombs.
Boomstick: Joseph has blocked machine gun fire after the freaky finger-gunman started firing, pulled a fast one on a guy who could read minds, and spent days climbing a 7 meter pillar covered in oil while constantly outputting Hamon without any form of rest. This guy is tough as they come. No wonder that Italian lady was so eager to tie the knot with him.
Wiz: You have no idea. During the final battle against Kars, the leader of the Pillar Men, the two were launched into orbit by a volcanic eruption and when Joseph came crashing back down into the ocean he somehow survived. And by ensuring that Kars’ space trip became a permanent vacation, Joseph successfully defeated the last of the Pillar Men, therefore saving the world and ending the war that plagued the Joestar family for so long.
Boomstick: Not half bad for a cocky Englishman thrust into the hero role out of the blue. But that overconfidence of his gets Joseph into trouble more often than not. If he isn’t careful it might cost him an arm… oh wait, it did. Good thing he knew people who could provide a new robot hand.
Wiz: Though long after the battle was won and Joseph entered his senior years, he refused to go into retirement. When the family nemesis Dio awakened many years later he sprung back into action just as bold and sharp-minded as ever. And he wouldn’t do it alone either as his descendants would inherit his will and protect the world from evil wherever it may lie. And coincidently, they would also inherit the legendary nickname to brand them as heroes: JoJo.
Boomstick: But no matter how many JoJos there are, none can match the charm of the sunlight breathing, mindf*cking master that is Joseph Joestar.
Kars: Did you plan this too, JoJo!? Tell me!
Joseph: Why are you even asking!? I set a trap and you walked right into it! All of this went down like clockwork!
Edward Elric opens the gate to Death Battle![]
Wiz: In the small town of Resembool, the young Edward Elric lived a simple life with his loving parents and younger brother Alphonse.
Boomstick: But you don’t get to be the protag unless you go through a little trauma, and boy let me tell you Ed here has a lot of trauma to deal with. It all started when daddy decided to walk out one day and never come back, a pain I’m all too familiar with… oh daddy… I know you’ll come back from the store someday… oh yeah and his mom died soon after.
Wiz: Unable to cope with their loss, Ed and Al were determined to bring their mother back by any means necessary. For such a feat, they required a power beyond conventional means and it just so happened that their missing father left behind notes of just such a power: Alchemy, an ancient art that rearranges the structure of objects and has the potential to create anything imaginable.
Boomstick: And there happens to be a forbidden ritual in Alchemy called Human Transmutation which lets you screw with life itself. The Elric boys thought that this could be used to resurrect their mom so they drew a magic circle, did a little blood ritual, and attempted Human Transmutation for themselves. Though as it turns out, that ritual doesn’t do what they thought and the brothers were sucked in and brought to the doorsteps of some weird glowing child.
Wiz: This is Truth, an enigmatic being that both governs and is the natural laws of the universe. In other words, he’s god.
Boomstick: That’s a relief. Usually that blood-and-circle sh*t summons some sort of terrifying monster that screws you over.
Wiz: Actually, that’s not too far off. When anyone is brought to Truth via Human Transmutation, he fills them with secret knowledge of Alchemy, but it comes at a terrible price. In Ed’s case, he lost his leg for that information and Al was robbed of his entire body, forcing Ed to sacrifice his arm to bind his brother’s soul to a suit of armor.
Boomstick: Yeah, that sounds about right. F*cking demons and their demon deals.
Wiz: After narrowly surviving such a tragedy, Edward was broken, yet far from defeated. It may have been impossible to bring back his mother, but Ed knew there had to be a way for him and Al to restore their bodies. Thus he sought out the Philosopher’s Stone, a mysterious red stone that lets you do otherwise impossible things with Alchemy.
Boomstick: Thing is only the military had the resources necessary to find a Philosopher’s Stone meaning that Ed needed to join their ranks as a State Alchemist if he wanted to set things right. But first he needed to address the whole missing limbs situation. Good thing his childhood friend and crush is also a genius mechanic specializing in mechanical limbs.
Wiz: These miracle prosthetics are known as Automail and they are advanced enough to function just like any normal limb and then some. Thanks to its aluminum and carbon composition, Ed’s Automail is extremely tough, able to block bullets and other attacks with ease and cause swords to shatter on impact.
Boomstick: They’re the ideal mecha-limbs for any situation, though they do have the drawback of stunting one’s growth. Best not to tell Ed that… he’s really sensitive about that subject.
Wiz: That’s putting it lightly. Ed is so insecure about his height that even the slightest mention of it will cause him to go berserk and subconsciously beat up anyone who called him it. And allegedly children aren’t exempt from this either.
Popup: There are various explanations for Ed’s small size such as a defect in his Automail or sharing nutrients with Al’s missing body to keep it alive. However, the most likely reason is that Ed refuses to drink his milk.
Boomstick: I should be terrified, but there is something I find so adorable about those Napoleon complexes. And whether or not his Automail kept him at fun size, they helped Ed get back on his feet, pass military certification, and earn the nickname “Fullmetal” Alchemist. Get it? Cause it’s the name of the series?
Wiz: Of course finding the Philosopher’s Stone wouldn’t be as easy as Ed hoped. As it turned out, the secrets of the stone were wrapped in a deep conspiracy involving serial killers, corrupt government officials, and the inhuman Homunculi that controlled the country from the shadows…
Boomstick: And don’t forget the biggest monster of them all: Shou Tucker.
Wiz: Against a threat this big, no normal man could possibly stand a chance, yet Edward Elric is no ordinary man and has plenty of means to take down his enemies. This is primarily due to the unique form of Alchemy he uses, which is much different and more versatile than what his peers are capable of.
Boomstick: See most Alchemists need to draw a Transmutation Circle in order to perform Alchemy, but remember that secret knowledge of Alchemy or whatever that Truth gave him? Well it basically put a Transmutation Circle inside of Eddy allowing him to perform Alchemy just by clapping his hands together like he’s doing some sort of magic trick.
Wiz: It’s not magic. Ed actually gathers up energy through this method and infuses it with anything he touches. So long as Ed can recognize the material he is using Alchemy on, he is able to deconstruct and reconstruct it on a molecular level. With this in mind, the kind of tricks he can perform are practically endless.
Boomstick: Tricks? And you’re sure he isn’t magic?
Wiz: It’s not magic, it’s science.
Boomstick: Whatever. With his (*quietly says: totally magic*) powers, Ed can make anything imaginable usually from the ground beneath him. Giant fist, stone columns, huge a$$ walls, plus cannons with preloaded cannonballs. And that’s when he’s not getting creative.
Wiz: Alchemy is far from just raw power. It is also precise and versatile, allowing Ed to harden objects for extra power, alter their state of matter, or extract specific elements from a substance. For example when Ed was trapped in an alternate dimension filled with blood, he managed to extract iron from it to create a purely metallic knife.
Boomstick: That is the most awesome way to make a weapon that I have ever heard of. Granted, Ed is also skilled at making and using other weapons such swords, spears, or even his metal arm which he can turn into a makeshift knife. Aw man, that would be so cool if I could turn my shotgun leg into a knife leg. Wiz, we are totally trying that later!
Wiz: Not happening. The second you get a knife leg, you’ll trip, bump into Jocelyn while she is carrying some stuff, which will then fly into my laptop and crash it causing the prototype virus stored inside it to run amok and hack all the world’s computers, activating the nukes and ending the world.
Boomstick: …That was oddly specific… How do you know all this?
Wiz: Experimental tech that can see the future. Back on topic, Ed utilizes his weapons and Alchemy to its fullest thanks to a special martial art taught to him by his mentor Izumi Curtis through months of training giving him proficiency in both short-range and long-range combat.
Boomstick: Thank you foster mom, you raised your kid right. But if hand-to-hand can’t settle it, then Ed can always crank his Alchemy up to eleven and wreck some real havoc.
Wiz: Such is the case when he uses Destruction Alchemy where he skips the process of reconstruction to destroy a target on a molecular level. A mere touch from this technique is almost guaranteed to be fatal.
Boomstick: D*mn. This Alchemy stuff is starting to sound dangerous, and just imagine what an Alchemist can do once they get their hands on a Philosopher’s Stone. Oh wait, you don’t have to because one psychotic Alchemist named Kimblee did and he used that sh*t to blow up a whole village. And that kind of power was worth at least 157 Kilotons of TNT.
Wiz: Sure, just go ahead and use the miracle gem for its most straightforward purpose. At least Ed had a much better use for it, yet that soon changed when he learned the truth behind the Philosopher’s Stone’s origins.
Boomstick: Strap in ladies and gentlemen. Wiz is about to drop some lore.
Wiz: Many years ago the original Homunculus, Father, developed a ritual that could take the soul of others and condense them into a power source, a ritual similar if not exactly like Human Transmutation. Through this ritual, Father and his associates took countless lives and turned them into the Philosopher's Stones that we know today. Granted the ones like what Kimblee wielded were only small prototypes as Father planned to genocide the entire country, turn their souls into a single Philosopher’s Stone, and use its power to make himself god.
Boomstick: That is more disturbing than the time you told me how sausages were made. (*mutters: I’m never going to enjoy breakfast again.*) When Ed got hit with that truth bomb, he swore that he wouldn’t waste human lives for his own gain and put his efforts into making sure the Homunculus wouldn’t do the same.
Wiz: And while Ed may have rejected the idea of using a Philosopher’s Stone, as someone who used Human Transmutation on himself, he has the same potential as a Philosopher’s Stone. If things get desperate, Ed can sacrifice his own life force to vastly improve the strength of his Alchemy, turning him into an unstoppable force.
Popup: Using a Philosopher’s Stone also improves the capabilities of an Alchemist. When Ed initially used his own life force like a stone to heal himself from a fatal wound. Roy Mustang claimed he could do something similar when he had a stone despite having no knowledge of medical Alchemy.
Boomstick: When you get the balls to push things that far, then those Homunculus really don’t stand a chance. And thanks to that insane willpower, Edward Elric has accomplished a lot in his quest to get his body back. He has knocked out a lion monster in a single kick, created giant statues out of stone and animated it, and matched the Alchemy of a man named Scar who once reduced a secret evil lair to rubble in a single attack.
Wiz: And contrary to what his hot-headed nature would lead you to believe, Ed is actually pretty cunning. He is able to quickly analyze an opponent’s abilities and exploit their weak points or lure them into his hands through trickery. This combination of brain and brawn has helped him contend with the Homunculus, some of which have shrugged off being blasted by tanks and deflected machine gun fire.
Popup: While Ed has not directly fought the faster Homunculus Wrath/King Bradley or Sloth, he should be comparable to his mentor Izumi who was able to intercept attacks from Sloth, the fastest of the Homunculus.
Boomstick: Even when the giant Homunculus Envy was overpowering him or when Father attacked him with the mother of all laser blasts which decimated a massive building, Ed was still standing with his determination unwavered. And with the help of Al, Izumi, and all the friends he made along his journey Ed managed to destroy the Homunculus and put an end to the madness brought by the Philosopher’s Stone.
Wiz: However saving the world wasn’t enough for Ed considering that he could never find a proper way to restore his and Al’s bodies. That is until he found another way to do so.
Boomstick: Yup. Turns out Truth had a refund policy this whole time. All Ed had to do was sacrifice his powers to bring Al’s body back, finally fixing the mistake he made all those years ago. (*sniff*) I wish I had a brother like that.
Wiz: Though his journey was finished and his powers were gone, Ed continued his pursuit of Alchemy. He later traveled the world to further his understanding of Alchemy hoping that the knowledge he acquired would continue to help others and bring forth miracles that the world would not think were possible.
Boomstick: With an iron will, a heart of gold, and a spirit always looking for a silver lining there is no other man that deserves the title of Fullmetal more than Edward Elric.
Edward: Get up, you novice! I’m about to show you how outclassed you really are! This fight you’ll lose!
Death Battle![]
It was a lively day for a small town in Amestris. The streets were packed with people going from place to place and those who weren’t walking instead engaged in deep conversations with each other. Normally the town was a lot quieter than this, but recent events had drummed up business as elaborated by the news broadcasted over a local radio.
Radio: In local news, a mysterious red gemstone was found earlier today by an archeological team. The gemstone is stated to possess mysterious properties as when one of the archeologists held it up a sudden beam of energy was fired from the gemstone. Archeologists have yet to confirm whether this was due to the gemstone’s natural properties or if an outside force acted as a trigger. Central Command has taken interest in this gemstone as well and thus ordered it to be moved to a local research facility for further investigation.
The voice on the radio continued to speak about the red gem. Its seemingly magical abilities had certainly gotten people interested, but the owner of the radio had no interest in such things. Instead he preferred to stay focused on his job: running an outdoor restaurant and serving his hungry customer. He had just finished preparing a meal for one such customer.
Chef: Here you go, sir.
The chef passed the meal to a rather large man with dark unkempt hair who took the meal with an appreciative smile.
Joseph: Well it’s about time. It’s so hard to find a place with any decent food in this town.
The brash protagonist of Part 2, Joseph Joestar took his meal and started eating the food. Although with each bite he took, Joseph’s face went from a smile to one of concern.
Joseph: (*Thinking: Of course, I can’t stay here for too long. If Lisa Lisa’s hunch is correct that gem may in fact be another Red Stone of Aja and that means the Pillar Men will be after it too. My best bet is to intercept the stone before sundown so they can’t get it. The only problem is…*) WHERE THE HECK ARE THEY KEEPING IT!?
Joseph quickly realized that he went into a fit of anger out of nowhere. Fortunately, only the chef seemed to notice and gave him a strange look. Joseph sat back down, still looking rather frustrated.
While it was confirmed that the gem had been moved to a research facility within the town, the exact location of said facility remained hidden from the public. Joseph couldn’t waste time wandering around hoping to find the place by chance. What he needed was a lead that could show him where he needed to go.
Meanwhile, the chef decided to back away from his strange customer and mind his own business. Right as he was about to return to the kitchen, he saw another customer who had just finished his meal and had his focus on the radio next to him. The other customer was undeniably short (at least to everyone but him) and had blond hair that matched his golden eyes.
Edward: So this so-called gemstone they dug up unleashed a massive amount of energy out of nowhere and nobody has figured out how or why?
The chef looked at the young man in confusion, not sure if he was thinking out loud or talking to him. What he didn’t realize was that the man happened to be none other than the famous Fullmetal Alchemist, Edward Elric. Regardless, the chef decided to answer Ed’s question.
Chef: That certainly seems to be the case.
Edward: Interesting…
Ed then put his hand on his chin and started to go deep into thought.
Edward: (*Thinking: It’s strange… I’m certain Central Command would have informed me about a potential Philosopher’s Stone. Either that gemstone is something else entirely… or maybe they have their own plans for the stone.*)
Chef: You seem rather interested in that gemstone, but I wouldn’t bother with it. They aren’t going to be showing it to the public anytime soon.
Ed perked his head up at the chef’s remark. While it was supposed to let him down gently, the Alchemist smirked as if that meant nothing.
Edward: Not a problem. I’m sure once they see this they’ll let me have a look at it.
Ed held up a silver pocket watch with a dragon carved into it. The chef leaned in close and recognized exactly what that symbol meant.
Chef: Oh, I see. I didn’t realize you were with the military…
With the mere mention of the m-word, Joseph stopped eating and stared at the two conversing with each other, specifically the man who just identified himself as a member of the government.
Joseph: (*Thinking: Seriously? That kid is part of the military? I guess they’re desperate to draft anyone in times like these.*)
Edward: Anyways, I better get going now. I need to find my brother and get to that research facility-
Ed thanked the chef for the meal and was just about to get up when he saw a huge arm come out of nowhere. The arm wrapped around him and pushed the Alchemist back down into his chair. He immediately looked up and saw the large owner of the arm, Joseph Joestar, smiling at him.
Joseph: Excuse me, but I couldn’t help but overhear that you were interested in the recently discovered gem as well.
Edward: What the!? Who the hell are you!? Get off me!
Joseph: (*Thinking: He’s more hot tempered than I thought. Perfect! If I keep messing with him, he’s bound to slip up and give away the stone’s location.*) Me? I’m just a jeweler from the next town over. When I caught wind of the recent discovery, I rushed over here as fast as I could to lend my services in identifying the gem’s properties.
Edward: Well fat chance. The gemstone is a military matter. They won’t allow any outsider to get into that research facility.
Joseph: A research facility you say? I didn’t know something like that was in this town. I’m sure I would have seen it at least once. Is it perhaps that hard to find?
Upon hearing the large man’s interest in the research lab, Ed’s annoyed glare turned into a suspicious one. He realized just what Joseph was after and Ed doubted that he had good intentions.
Edward: And why exactly are you so interested in the gemstone?
Joseph: (*Raises an eyebrow*) Hmm? Didn’t I tell you that I’m a jeweler? I make it my business to seek out all rare gems and assess them in order to determine their properties and value.
Edward: Are you sure it has nothing to do with the gemstone firing an energy blast out of nowhere?
Joseph was taken back as he realized the kid had him figured out. He quickly regained composure, refusing to give up on his endeavor. But Ed still noticed the brief shift in his expression and glared harder at him.
Edward: Because it sounds to me like you’re more interested in the fact that it’s a Philosopher’s Stone.
Joseph: (*Thinking: Is that what the military is calling it? Regardless, this kid is catching on fast. I better find a way to turn this around.*) There seems to be a little misunderstanding here, I-
Before Joseph could even finish that sentence, an anger bulge formed on the alchemist’s head. This was followed by Ed’s expression turning into pure rage, then jumping off his chair to punch the second JoJo hard in the face.
The blow sent Joseph flying and he landed on his back just a few feet away. He got up looking confused and soon assessed his situation as he realized that he had made a mistake that many others had made before him when speaking to the Fullmetal Alchemist.
Edward: DON’T CALL ME LITTLE! IF YOU SAY CALL ME LITTLE, A PIPSQUEAK, OR A SHORTIE AGAIN I’LL BREAK EVERY BONE IN YOUR BODY, YOU OVERSIZED OAF!
Chef: He didn’t call you any of those things…
Upon realizing that he had crossed a line that he could not come back from, Joseph gave a cocky smile and got into a fighting position. He made sure to take a deep breath which caused a small, golden glow to emit from him, a precaution in case the oncoming battle proved to be more tedious than he expected.
Joseph: If that is how it’s going to be, I don’t mind getting a little rough. It wouldn’t be the first time I beat information out of a military man.
Ed saw that his adversary had dropped the formalities and was prepared to face him head on. The Fullmetal Alchemist got ready to brawl as well and clapped his hands together to prepare his signature ability.
Edward: You’re welcome to try, but I’m going to be the one beating the information out of you. I’m going to figure out just what you plan to do with the Philosopher’s Stone and put a stop to it.
Joseph: Well then bring it on, shortie.
And just like that Ed was given permission to break every bone in JoJo’s body.
In a second burst of anger, Ed slammed his hands on the ground and a blue light emitted from the earth. Suddenly, huge spikes sprouted from the earth and headed in the direction of Joseph Joestar.
Joseph: Oh my God!
Joseph had certainly seen a lot of bizarre things in his life, but this one was definitely new to him. He jumped into the air to avoid certain death and took a good look at the spikes that almost skewered him.
Joseph: (*Thinking: Those spikes are made of solid rock. Did that brat mold the earth itself to make these?*)
When Joseph landed, his eyes were still focused on the spikes and that kept him from noticing Ed running up to him and delivering a kick to his chest. That attack knocked the wind out of JoJo who desperately tried to catch his breath, but the Fullmetal Alchemist refused to give him such luxuries and continued his onslaught with a series of punches.
The second JoJo found himself being pushed back with every blow and knew he needed to counterattack if he wanted to stay conscious. Ed then threw a punch much stronger than the other and it sent Joseph back several feet and that gave him enough time to counterattack.
He took a deep breath as if to charge up something and unleashed a powerful punch of his own. However, Ed easily dodged it and quickly wrapped his arms around his. Upon grabbing the taller man’s arm he pulled hard and tossed JoJo aside using an incredible shoulder throw. Joseph landed on his back once again and looked both impressed and frustrated.
Joseph: You're pretty strong for a little guy.
Edward: D*MMIT! I SAID DON’T CALL ME LITTLE!
Ed’s rage became reignited and he lunged towards his opponent, but Joseph was prepared this time and got up to block an incoming punch with his arms. The Fullmetal Alchemist continued his efforts with a flurry of kicks and punches, yet Joseph managed to block and dodge every blow. Of course, Joseph already figured that his opponent was more skilled in close corner combat and that he could only play defensively for so long. Thus he jumped back and reached for something hidden inside his clothes.
Joseph: I’ve got you now!
Joseph pulled out a clacker and immediately threw it, making sure it spun as it did so. Although it wasn’t a traditional weapon, much to Ed’s surprise, he still managed to dodge with ease and smiled back at Joseph with confidence.
Edward: Looks like you’ve lost your toy.
Ed rushed towards Joseph with the intent of blitzing him while his defenses were lowered. However, Joseph gave a smile more confident than his own letting Ed know something was wrong.
Joseph: Oh? But how could I lose something that always comes back?
The Fullmetal Alchemist wasn’t sure what the second JoJo meant, but then he heard something faint coming from behind him. He turned around to see the clackers still spinning and now heading towards him. The clackers whacked Ed on the forehead, concussing him a bit and almost making him fall over.
Edward: (*Thinking: That’s… impossible. A weapon like that shouldn’t be able to change direction.*)
Ed kept his eyes on the clackers, perplexed by the weapon’s odd behavior, but he realized that was the least of his concerns when he saw Joseph grab it and swing it around wildly. The second JoJo also took out another pair of clackers and did the same, setting himself up for the next attack.
Joseph: You feel for it hook, line, and sinker. Now have a taste of my Clacker Volley!
Joseph took a deep breath and infused the clackers with a golden energy before swinging them forward to strike Ed one at a time. The Fullmetal Alchemist took a substantial amount of damage with each blow, yet he endured long enough to raise his right arm and block one of the incoming clackers. His arm successfully deflected the attack and made a metallic vibration from the blow.
Joseph: (*Thinking: That sound… could it be?*)
The brief delay in Joseph’s assault gave Ed just enough time to throw a counter punch. Joseph dodged the attack almost instinctively, but his reflexes were not enough to dodge Ed’s second punch followed by a kick that knocked him several feet backwards.
The taller man crashed into the restaurant he and his adversary had been dining at and the impact caused his food to fall onto his face. JoJo quickly wiped the food off his face looking disgusted. His cleared up vision then noticed Ed rushing towards him in anger.
Edward: I’m not done with you yet!
Joseph needed to keep his distance from his opponent so he took out his clackers and threw them again. However, Ed had already seen this trick and decided to take the weapons out so that they couldn’t hit him from behind later. The alchemist clapped his hands together then slid his left hand over his right one. As he did so, the shape of his arm reformed into a metallic blade, revealing the true nature of his appendage.
Joseph: (*Thinking: I knew it! He has a prosthetic arm as well!*)
Ed used his improvised blade to slice through the strings of the clackers, disabling them and leaving an open path to his opponent.
Joseph: Next you’ll say: “Ha! That trick won’t work on me twice!”.
Edward: Ha! That trick won’t work on me twice! (*gasp*)
Ed’s eyes widened as he heard Joseph predict his next line perfectly. He wasn’t sure how he did so, but he did know that meant one thing: in this very moment, Joseph Joestar had him figured out.
As Ed was distracted by his own shock, Joseph slipped out something that he had acquired moments ago when his food fell on him. It was a soda bottle he ordered as a drink to go along with his meal. He aimed its cap towards the alchemist and filled it with a golden energy. The liquid inside started bubbling up fast and made the bottle shake uncontrollably until it couldn’t take it anymore. The pressure caused the bottle cap to blast off the bottle like a bullet and hit Ed right in the stomach, stopping his charge and sending him flying in the other direction.
Fortunately, Ed managed to land on his feet, shrugging off the damage so that he could assess the situation.
Edward: (*Thinking: Now I see it. The way that bottle was glowing earlier… he infused some sort of energy into it to make the cap fly off. He must have done the same to those balls too. Is it perhaps some form of Alchemy?)
The alchemist collected his thoughts. Though he had no prior knowledge of ancient art of Hamon, he had begun grasping exactly what his opponent was capable of.
Joseph: That wasn’t enough for you? Well I’ve got another good for you right here!
Ed snapped back into reality and saw Joseph charging in for another punch. The alchemist knew he would have no trouble against such a straightforward move so he swung his own punch to counterattack.
Yet the attack did not make contact as Joseph leapt into the air to avoid Ed’s attack as it had been a bluff all along. While Joseph leapt over his conveniently short opponent, he slipped out a rope that he had been hiding and threw it around the hand Ed had attempted to punch him with. The rope successfully wrapped around Ed’s arm and with a few more motions, Joseph moved the rope around and got it to wrap around the other arm as well.
Joseph landed right behind Ed who turned around to figure out what he was doing, but it was too late. The Hamon master yanked the rope and the alchemist’s two arms were pulled together. Ed’s hands clapped together in the process and just like that he had been bound with no way to properly move his arms.
Joseph: I believe that’s checkmate. So kid, how about you tell me where they’re keeping that gem and maybe I’ll let you go.
An anger bulge formed on Ed’s head as his cocky adversary once again insulted his height.
Edward: WHO THE HELL YOU CALLING A KID!? I’M GOING TO SEND YOU FLYING!
Ed appeared to be on the verge of attack so Joseph yanked the rope a second time and forced the alchemist to fall to the ground face first.
Joseph: I’m sorry, but I don’t believe you’re in the position to talk back now are you?
Edward: Actually, I’m pretty sure I am.
The Fullmetal Alchemist smirked with confidence and Joseph got a bit confused by this. What JoJo had failed to realize was that when Ed’s hands were forced together, he took the opportunity to activate his power and he had everything he needed to perform a transmutation.
Struggling through his restraints, Ed loosened them up enough for him to place his hands on the ground. Joseph looked down to see what his opponent was doing and got his answer when a pillar emerged from the earth and crashed right into his face, sending the Hamon master flying just as Ed said he would do to him.
The blow also made Joseph let go of the rope thus freeing Ed from its bindings. He used his newfound freedom to clap his hands again and make more pillars from the earth to strike JoJo in midair.
Joseph: Holy sh*t!
The first pillar of the swarm made a direct hit on their target, bruising Joseph’s abdomen and sending him further into the air. As the other pillars closed in however, Joseph got his act together and started moving his body around to dodge them. He narrowly avoided the remainder of the attack before grabbing onto one of the pillars to use it as a slide so he could make his way back to the ground. That brought him back to the source of the pillars, Edward Elric, whom Joseph tried to kick only for Ed to jump out of the way.
Now that he was back on the ground, Joseph started to give a serious look towards Ed and pointed a finger towards him. He too had finally understood what his opponent was capable of.
Joseph: I believe I understand how your power works now. When you clap your hands together, it generates some form of energy which you can use to alter the shape of whatever you touch next. Does that sound about right?
Edward: Did it really take you that long to figure it out?
The Fullmetal Alchemist responded with a mocking tone and confident smirk still on his face. His intention was to disparage his opponent, but JoJo responded to his insult with an unfazed smirk of his own.
Joseph: It doesn’t matter how long it took me. I’ve got you all figured out and I can easily overcome a mere parlor trick like that.
Edward: You think so? Well I already know about that strange Alchemy you’re using and that you like to use it on simple objects for cheap shots. I’ve got your tricks all figured out too.
Joseph: On the contrary, children are much easier to fool than they think.
Edward: YOU GOT A DEATH WISH OR SOMETHING!?
Joseph: But if you think you’ve seen all of my tricks, then you clearly don’t know Joseph Joestar.
Joseph started approaching Ed so he could beat the shit out of him. While he did so he raised his hand and started tugging at the sleeves as if he were a magician preparing for his next trick.
Joseph: Nothing in my hands nor up my sleeves. Am I out of weapons or is it just a bluff? You said you had me figured out so surely you know what I’ll do next.
Ed hesitated as he stared at his opponent. A scowl formed on his face as he wasn’t sure exactly what Joseph had planned, but knew he could strike at any moment. The alchemist focused his eyes on Joseph’s hands since their constant fidgeting around implied that Joseph planned to pull a sleight of hand with them.
But in reality, Joseph’s hand tricks were only a mere distraction for what he really had planned. As Ed was preoccupied by his hand movements, Joseph wiggled his hips to shake something inside of him loose. It took some time until a certain slid out of his jacket and that object happened to be a large tommy gun. Before the gun could hit the floor, Joseph did a quick back kick to propel it up and over him. He then grabbed the gun and perfectly positioned the muzzle at Ed’s face.
Joseph: And presto, a gun magically appears!
Ed yelped in surprise when he saw the unexpectedly large weapon and jumped back immediately. A split second later, Joseph pulled the trigger and a barrage of bullets came out of the gun and towards Ed. The alchemist didn’t have enough time to perform a transmutation right away so he dodged the bullets to the best of his ability even using his metal arm to deflect some of the projectiles. Ed miraculously made it out once Joseph ran out of bullets and the former didn’t have any bullet wounds on him, although the bullets did tear up his jacket a bit.
Joseph wasn’t going to let an empty gun slow him down thus he reloaded his weapon in record time and started firing again. Yet this time Ed was prepared and jumped to the side followed by a clap of his hands for a transmutation. The Hamon master moved his gun to try and lock on Ed, but the latter kept jumping to the side and dodging. And each time Ed touched the ground, he placed his hands on it to transmute the earth into another pillar that stretched out to Joseph.
Ed’s retaliation put JoJo on the defensive as he ducked and jumped away from each pillar while trying to keep his aim on his elusive target. Eventually, Joseph’s tommy gun ran out of bullets again and he looked at it with intense shock. Just then another pillar came in fast and Joseph barely had enough time to convert his gun to a shield. The gun blocked most of the pillar’s force, but still ended up too weak and snapped in half. Joseph got pushed back a bit, although he remained mostly unharmed much to his relief.
Joseph: That was a close one.
Joseph gave a brief sigh which got interrupted when a shadow formed over him. He looked up and his jaw dropped as a giant hand was being formed from the earth and he had no way of defending against it.
Edward: Tell me, can a short person do this!?
Ed threw in an extra bit of Alchemy and made the hand thrust forward to bitch slap Joseph extra hard launching him into a nearby alleyway. The alchemist pursued his target and transmuted the walls of the alleyway and made pillars come out from one of the sides.
Joseph dodged them like an archeologist dodging blow dart traps in an ancient temple. It seemed as if he was going to get out scot-free until he saw a stray cat wandering about and a stray pillar on the verge of crushing it.
Joseph: Oh no you don’t!
Joseph ran up to the cat and kicked it with his glowing foot. The poor creature was knocked high into the air, but on the bright side it had avoided a more gruesome fate. On the other hand, Joseph's act of semi-kindness left him vulnerable as incoming started pummeling him from the sides. Not every pillar hit, although the ones that didn’t formed a cluster near Joseph and effectively made a small confinement to prevent Joseph from doing anything to escape.
Edward: Nowhere left to run. How about you give up while you still can?
Ed slowly approached Joseph as the latter gave a look of worry. Victory was almost assured for the Fullmetal Alchemist, but it got interrupted by a terrified meowing sound. Looking up, Ed saw the cat Joseph had kicked up earlier was now falling and proceeded to catch it in his arms perfectly.
Edward: I don’t have time to save stray cats right now! Who do I look like!? Al!?
Ed had been provoked by the minor distraction, though it didn’t take him long to realize something did not seem right. The cat appeared to have calmed down after being safely caught, yet it moved strangely. Its back arched up and its claws popped out indicating a possible attack. Ed wasn’t sure why the cat’s behavior and actions contradicted each other until he noticed a light emitting from the cat’s body.
Edward: You have got to be kidding me.
The cat did as all cats do (albeit unintentionally this time) and jumped onto Ed’s face to scratch the shit out of it. Ed flailed his arms around in pain and panic as he desperately tried to get the cat off of him and ran out of the alleyway in the process leaving Joseph all to himself.
Joseph: Fortunately he didn’t know Hamon could affect living things too. Though I suppose the cat is out of the bag now.
Joseph took a deep breath and charged himself up with Hamon and used his incredible strength to break through the pillars containing him. He then took a nearby trash can from the alleyway and hurled it at his opponent right as finished yanking the Hamon-controlled kitty off his face.
Edward: Phew. Glad that’s over.
Ed’s scratch covered face immediately got whacked by the steel trash can, presumably stunning him further and almost knocking him down. Joseph ran to Ed hoping to finish him off, but before he could do so, the alchemist regained his senses and saw the trash can flying over him. He acted fast and clapped his hands before transmuting the trash can, changing it into a spear made of pure steel. Joseph attempted to land a Hamon-powered punch on Ed, but with the weapon now in hand the latter had no trouble blocking his attack using the body of the spear.
Edward: Thanks for the weapon.
Ed pushed Joseph back and started using the tip of the spear by thrusting it at his opponent. Joseph could do nothing but dodge and step back to get away from the weapon which led him to the alleyway once again. There he noticed the missing lid from the trash can and picked it up. The Hamon master charged towards Ed who instinctively tried retaliating with his spear only for the sharp tip to bounce off the improvised shield moments before he got tackled.
The blow dazed Ed though he had enough energy to stay on his feet though it didn’t do him much good as Joseph came in to deal a few powerful punches to him. When the alchemist came to, he thrust his spear, but just like before Joseph used the lid in hand as a shield to foil his attempt.
Ed didn’t give up however and continued to strike with his spear yet it seemed he couldn’t pierce Joseph’s shield. The Hamon master fought back by punching the alchemist in the face and knocked him back a few feet while also knocking the spear into the air.
It was a minor setback for Ed, but he didn’t let that get to him. Instead he clapped his hands together and grabbed the spear as it fell to the ground. Next he proceeded to charge at Joseph with the intent of making an extra powerful thrust. Joseph had seen him prepare a transmutation beforehand and held the shield up in anticipation.
Joseph: (*Thinking: No doubt he’s going to do something with that spear, but what could he be planning?*)
Joseph expected the weapon to change shape half-way into his opponent’s attack and had faith that the trash can lid could block it. As the moment of truth came Ed thrust the spear forward without changing its appearance catching Joseph by surprise. He still made an effort to block it, but when he did the spear pierced through the lid this time and stabbed him in his right shoulder.
Joseph: What!? That shouldn’t be possible!
Edward: You look surprised. Sure this spear wasn’t strong enough to pierce your shield before, but I changed the molecular structure to make the tip more dense and therefore stronger.
Joseph: Quite a clever trick if I do say so myself, but a mere stab wound won’t slow me down.
Joseph stepped back and removed the spear from his shoulder. He winced a bit in the process as the wound still hurt significantly despite his ability to power through the pain. Ed then went for another attack with the spear and pierced the trash can lid a second time. Joseph’s quick reflexes ensured that he didn’t get hit by the spear this time.
Joseph: This is getting too close for comfort. I suppose I have no choice, but to use my secret technique.
Edward: A secret technique?
The second JoJo smiled as he knew his secret technique would help turn the situation around and Ed got a bad feeling about it.
Joseph: That’s right. You're in for a real treat. Now watch closely as I…
Joseph swung his arms around in preparation for his secret technique. Then in an instant, he turned around and bolted away from his attacker.
Joseph: Run as fast as I can!
Edward: Hey! Get back here!
Ed gave chase to his fleeing opponent knowing that he was too dangerous to be left to his own devices. Joseph looked back to see that, as he expected, the alchemist was pursuing him and closing in with the spear in hand. He needed to buy a bit of extra time so he held the trash can lid tightly before throwing it at Ed like a frisbee.
The alchemist easily deflected the projectile with his spear, but when he did, a grenade that Joseph had snuck inside the lid popped out and threatened to blow up right in Ed’s face. Ed was shocked by this surprise attack and immediately dropped his spear and slowed down. He had to get rid of the explosive fast so he transmuted the ground to make a small pillar that launched the grenade high into the air so that when it exploded, nothing got harmed by it. Joseph saw everything that happened before diverting his focus back to running while taking notes of what he learned about his opponent so far.
Joseph: (*Thinking: Damn. This kid is smarter than the lets on. He’s too good in close corners and that power of his is dangerous at any range. I’m going to have to pull out all the stops if I want to take him down, but that’s easier said than done.*)
Joseph thought hard as he continued running. He didn’t have an exact plan at the moment, but if he kept moving he would find something that he could use against the alchemist. Joseph considered all sorts of plans that could stump the alchemist for good, though his thoughts were interrupted when he unexpectedly tripped on the ground.
The Hamon master stumbled for a bit yet regained his balance to avoid slowing down. He wondered what had caused him to trick and upon looking down he was shocked by the source. The ground itself had begun moving uncontrollably with small parts shifting around and breaking down… no, they were restructuring themselves.
Joseph: It can’t be…
The ground started moving more and more violently and it became difficult for Joseph to stand on it. Eventually he lost balance and inconveniently enough a spike formed out of the earth and right where Joseph was falling. There was no doubt in Joseph’s mind where all this earth shaking came from.
Joseph: Oh my God! He’s tearing up the whole town!
To avoid sudden impalement, Joseph focused his Hamon into one of his hands and used it to propel himself off the spike without taking any damage. The force caused Joseph to do a small flip and in that moment he saw Ed, having not moved from his spot, and confirmed that he was indeed using Alchemy to rearrange the streets.
Edward: You’re not escaping me that easily!
Pouring more Alchemy into the earth, Ed further shook up the earth making spikes appear everywhere to obstruct Joseph’s escape path. Soon enough the whole street became unrecognizable, completely torn up by the spikes that covered nearly every inch of it.
Yet despite the situation, Joseph was still running. Similar to what he did on the first spike, he used Hamon on his legs so that he could walk on the spikes with ease. Joseph jumped from spike to spike, aiming for the bigger ones as he rethought his escape.
Joseph: I don’t know the range of his abilities so I better get the high ground for now. I doubt he can hit the rooftops so easily from down there.
Joseph kept getting higher and higher until he was at the same level as a nearby rooftop. He made a quick leap for it in his effort to get to safety, but midway through the jump a big stone wall, courtesy of one Edward Elric, appeared in front of him. The Hamon master crashed into the wall then fell to the ground in almost cartoonish style. He got up fast to try and run away some more, but that attempt was in vain as he noticed the wall expanding.
More of the earth popped up to join the wall not only making it wider, but also curving it to encage Joseph in its ring-shaped structure.
Joseph: Well this isn’t good.
And things only got worse for Joseph when he heard footsteps approaching. Having finally cornered and caught up to him, a ticked off Ed took out the blade on his metal arm again and got into a fighting stance.
Edward: Nowhere left to run and nothing left to use your Alchemy on. Now I can finally kick your ass without you pulling a fast one.
Joseph: I suppose I don’t have a choice anymore. If you want a head-on fight then you got one.
Joseph ran forward to make a preemptive kick forcing Ed to block it with his arm. The Hamon master followed it up with some more punches and kicks to keep his opponent on the defensive so that he couldn’t use the bladed arm.
But such tactics could only work for so long against someone like Ed. The Fullmetal Alchemist blocked Joseph’s attacks for a while before he saw an opening and proceeded to duck and avoid an incoming kick. Ed then delivered a powerful punch with his left arm and hit Joseph in the stomach, stunning the taller man and thus ending his barrage.
Ed then took his mechanical arm and tried to impale Joseph with its blade. He got close to stabbing Joseph’s heart out, yet the Hamon master recovered in time to grab the arm with both hands and stop it.
With both his opponent’s hands occupied, Ed used his other hand to punch Joseph in the face, but the latter would not allow that. Joseph gathered as much Hamon as he could and injected it into the arm he was holding. The Hamon flowed from Ed’s mechanical arm to his real arm and manipulated its muscles, causing the punch to change direction and miss Joseph. Ed was shocked when he saw his own guaranteed hit miss for no explainable reason, though that shock soon passed when Joseph’s knee hit him in the face to snap him out of it.
Ed got knocked back several feet and was put into a daze. This gave Joseph another opening as he immediately kicked Ed again and launched him into the air. That second blow woke Ed up and he performed a backflip while clapping his hands to counterattack. Upon landing, he hit the ground and made it erupt into a massive spike that charged at Joseph.
The Hamon master leapt out of the way, narrowly escaping the spike, but when he landed he realized that his back was against the wall… literally. The stone wall lay inches behind him limiting the amount of space that he could escape to. To make matters worse for him, Ed continued to use his Alchemy to make more spikes that could potentially skewer him.
Joseph ran around the inside of the ring-shaped wall dodging the spikes when they closed in on him. He made a full circle around the wall before he was in range of the Fullmetal Alchemist. The second JoJo threw a pair of clackers that hit Ed right in the arm and halted his transmutation, buying the former just enough time to rush in and land another attack.
Except Ed was one step ahead of him and swept Joseph’s legs when he got close. This would have made Joseph fall face first to the ground if not for Ed uppercutting him in the jaw and slicing him with the blade on his arm. The slash wasn’t deep enough to be life threatening, but Joseph still felt immense pain from it as blood gushed out from his chest. He backed away a bit hoping to recover, though being stuck between Ed and the wall didn’t give him that option.
Edward: Had enough yet?
Joseph: Not even close. And unfortunately for you I can still turn this around.
Joseph breathed heavily as he tried to stand his ground. He had really been pushed to the limit and barely had enough energy to generate more Hamon. Fortunately, he wasn’t planning to rely on such a power as all he needed was a single grenade that he took out of his jacket.
Joseph: You’re probably about to say: “What could he possibly plan to do with a single grenade?”
Edward: What could he possibly plan to do with a single grenade?
Although those words were something Ed meant to say to himself, he was surprised that once again his opponent knew exactly what he had been thinking.
Joseph: I’m glad you asked. Let's find out shall we?
Joseph pulled the pin off the grenade and tossed it at Ed. Regardless of what his opponent’s true intentions were, Ed knew the grenade still posed a threat and immediately grabbed it so he could throw it far away. But as he did so he noticed a string tied to the grenade and realized that it was all a trap.
Edward: A string!? But what is it tied to?
While distracted by the string, Ed failed to see Joseph leaping over him and kicking him in the back, sending him into the dead center of the wall ring.
Joseph: It’s silly to believe that I would bet everything on a single grenade. But you were so focused on me that you didn’t even notice the trap I was setting.
Ed turned around and watched Joseph make another getaway. He was about to give chase when he heard the sound of several small objects hitting the ground. The alchemist located the source and saw several pins on the ground tied to the string he saw on the initial grenades.
Edward: Those are grenade pins! But where did he put the-
Before Ed could ask, a series of large explosions went off near the wall. It was right then and there he figured out what kind of trap Joseph had been setting. Earlier when he had been running around the inside of the wall he had stealthily placed grenades next to his earthly confinement. Each grenade was tied to the one he threw and when Ed got rid of it, he incidentally yanked the string and removed the pins allowing the explosives to do their thing.
The explosions took out huge chunks of the wall and made the structure collapse in on itself. It broke down into several pieces of rocks and they all fell towards Ed. The pieces were going to bury the Fullmetal Alchemist alive and there was not enough time to run away, yet Ed remained undaunted and clapped his hands together.
Nothing he could create would be enough to shield him from such a calamitous attack, but Ed’s intention was not to create this time. He thrust his hands forward and hit one of the rocks, deconstructing it although without reconstructing it this time. The result made the rock burst into pieces and its destruction blasted away and destroyed the other oncoming rocks thus completely saving Ed from a seemingly inevitable crushing. Of course, such an event would also make a large noise which made Joseph look back to see the commotion.
Joseph: That didn’t sound like a pipsqueak getting flattened… What the!? He actually made it out!?
Joseph was left completely baffled by Ed’s escape. He looked to see where the falling rubble he created wandered off too, and to his dismay, he saw one huge piece of rubble heading towards him.
Joseph: Oh my God!
Joseph ran as fast as he could, but the rock was practically homing in on him. He reached out with his hand, desperate to escape his own crushing and during that act of desperation something truly bizarre happened. Purple vines suddenly sprouted from Joseph's arm and stretched out to grab a nearby rooftop. The vines then reeled in Joseph and pulled him to safety before the rubble could Caesar him.
Joseph: (*Sighs*) Barely made it out of that one. Almost forgot that I had this on me.
The Hamon master, now dangling from the rooftops, looked at his Stand: Hermit Purple and marveled over how it had saved him just moments ago.
Edward: So now you can fly all of a sudden!? What the heck is going on?
Shouting from ground level was Ed who had tracked down his adversary after surviving his trap. He could see him hanging from the rooftops, yet he could not see the purple vines Joseph was using to pull this off.
Joseph: (*Thinking: That’s right, other people can’t see Hermit Purple. I may be able to use this to my advantage and pull off a winning strategy.*)
Edward: Get down from there!
Reaching the limits of his tolerance for the Hamon master, Ed used his Alchemy to make a cannon out of the ground which shot a huge cannonball at Joseph. The second JoJo acted fast and jumped off the building then looked down to address his attacker.
Joseph: What’s the matter? Don’t like people looking down on you? It can’t be helped since you’re so short, you know.
Edward: I thought I told you DON’T CALL ME SHORT!
Ed clapped his hand for another transmutation, but Joseph struck first by throwing Hermit Purple and wrapping its vines around Ed’s arm. Though he could not see the vines, Ed could now feel the invisible Stand and figured out what he was dealing with.
Edward: An invisible wire? Is this another one of your cheap tricks?
Joseph: I suppose you can call it that, but if you’re calling it “cheap” then you’ve severely underestimated it.
Joseph activated his Hamon and sent it through Hermit Purple. It reached Ed and had an electrocution-like effect on him as he felt the Hamon course through and damaged his body. This gave Joseph enough time to stick the landing and he proceeded to swing Ed around with his Stand then throw him into a nearby building.
Ed got up breathing heavily and looking frustrated. He did not expect his opponent to have such a powerful ace in the hole and knew if he was to have any chance at winning, he needed to find a way around the invisible wire. The alchemist didn’t have much time to figure out a solution however, as he saw Joseph preparing another attack and realized he would be made using the invisible wire.
Recalling that he still had a transmutation he could do, Ed instantly went for the ground and propped up a wall of stone. Joseph swung Hermit Purple as if it were a whip only for it to bounce off the barrier. That didn’t stop Joseph from continuing his assault as he directed his Stand to go around the barrier to grab his opponent. When it did so, it brushed by the wall and cleaved it a bit which caught Ed’s attention.
The Alchemist jumped to safety, avoiding Hermit Purple and clapped his hands once again. Seeing how the Stand still had a visible effect on the rest of the world, he devised a plan to beat it. He struck the ground with the power of Destruction Alchemy causing the battlefield to shake.
Joseph felt uneasy about this and retracted Hermit Purple as he anticipated something dangerous to happen. But much to his surprise, the ground was only vaporized by an inch or two leaving nothing but a swarm of dust clouds surrounding him and Ed along with the ground itself being relatively unchanged. Though unsure of what purpose that last attack served, Joseph decided not to let that get to him and launched Hermit Purple at Ed, hoping to ensnare him without interference.
Yet there was interference; as Hermit Purple traveled through the air, parts of the dust clouds started to move revealing the Stand’s location as well as its direction. Because of this, Ed finally got a clear view of the invisible wire and caught it with his bare hands.
Edward: Not so invisible now, huh?
Joseph looked worried as he saw his primary advantage taken away from him. He tried to pull Hermit Purple back, but Ed’s grip was too tight. The alchemist smirked as he gave a huge tug that made Joseph lose his balance then used Alchemy to make a giant hand that delivered an uppercut to the Hamon master’s face.
The second JoJo made an immediate recovery then started rushing in for a close-corner brawl.
Joseph: Impressive, but just because you can see Hermit Purple now doesn’t mean you can stop it!
Joseph started unleashing a barrage of punches at Ed who dodged and blocked before fighting back themselves. Both fighters were in a heated battle swinging left and right knowing that one missed swing could cost them their life.
Ed thought he saw an opening and tried to thrust forward with the blade on his metal arm. Yet Joseph barely managed to dodge it then used his Hermit Purple as a whip to strike back. The dust clouds moved to reveal the Stand’s path a second time allowing Ed to avoid it with no trouble at all. For a while it was a clash between Jospeh’s Stand and Ed’s metal arm to see who could land the decisive blow, and though they were doing a great job evading each other, they could only dodge for so long.
Joseph refused to let this struggle persist longer and took a clacker from out of his sleeve to throw at Ed. The change in tactics caught Ed off guard and he was struck in the head by the clackers and dazed long enough for Joseph to kick him back a few feet.
Ed made his retort quickly and performed a transmutation on the ground, sending a series of sprouting spikes in Joseph’s direction. The Hamon master got out of the way and expected there to be an opening, but the sudden arrival of more spikes proved him wrong. This transmutation proved to be a lot more frantic and powerful, almost as if Ed was pouring his own life force into the transmutation for an all or nothing gamble.
Joseph soon found himself running and jumping all over the place in an effort to avoid this vicious transmutation. However it didn’t matter how fast he could move, the spikes were too big in number and eventually surrounded him from every angle. It was when one spike snuck up on him and stabbed him in the leg.
The Hamon master screamed in pain as he collapsed. He took a look at his leg and could tell that he would make a full recovery, but there was no way he would move anymore for the remainder of the fight. Even so, Joseph remained determined to win against his earth-shakingly strong opponent and mustered up the last of his strength by getting up and taking deep breaths.
Joseph looked across from him and saw Ed staring directly at him. The Fullmetal Alchemist had seen that his last attack was a success and despite feeling like he could faint at any moment, he had just enough strength left to deal the decisive blow.
Joseph: Just a bit more… I almost have it…
Joseph reached out with his arm, looking like he was about to summon Hermit Purple for one last attack, but Ed made sure he would be the one to act first.
Edward: Don’t bother…
Ed clapped his hands together hard and got ready to make something that would ultimately kill Joseph.
But Ed failed to notice one thing and that was how Joseph’s expression wasn’t one of fear or despair, but one of pure confidence.
Joseph: You’re probably about to say “That invisible wire won’t reach me before I smash you to pieces” now.
Edward: That invisible wire won’t reach me before I smash you to pieces!
When Ed processed those last words, he realized that it was too late.
Edward: (*Thinking: It can’t be…*)
Joseph closed his hand and pulled back which caused a rope to sprout up around Ed and wrap up the Alchemist real tight. The second JoJo couldn’t help but smile wide as he got up, even enduring the pain of removing the spike from his leg, as he proceeded towards the final steps of victory.
Edward: I had my eyes on you the whole time! When did you manage to set this up!?
Joseph: Quite simple really, I tied the rope to Hermit Purple, the so-called “invisible wire”, and had it lay out the rope for me. And while those dust clouds helped you see Hermit Purple, they were also perfect for camouflaging my trump card.
Joseph yanked the rope with so much force that it swept Ed off his feet and reeled him into the former who got ready to deal an extremely powerful punch.
Joseph: It’s time to close the book on us, you little runt!
Edward: I’M NOT A LITTLE RUNT YOU B*STARD!!!
Ed's shout fell on deaf ears, as Joseph was too busy concentrating on his punch. He took a deep breath and to generate as much Hamon as he could and poured it all into his fist. When Ed finally got in range, Joseph unleashed his punch, hitting the Fullmetal Alchemist in the chest with all his might.
Joseph: HAMON OVERDRIVE!!!
Sparks flew from Joseph’s fist as it signed Ed’s chest and overwhelmed his body with more Hamon than it could handle. Seconds later, Ed's body rocketed far away and out of the Hamon master’s sight then causing a loud thud in the distance. Using up the last of his strength, Joseph fell to his knees feeling more exhausted than he had ever been in his life.
Joseph took a few minutes to put himself back together, leaving enough time for the dust clouds to disappear and the tension of the fight to die down. The second JoJo got back onto his feet, wincing a bit from the wound to his leg and looked to see what had become of his opponent.
Sure enough, Ed was still in front of him albeit much further now. His body lied up against a nearby building that he crashed into, his eyes were closed shut to indicate lack of consciousness and blood leaked from his mouth. But most notably, in the center of his chest, his shirt had burned a huge hole to reveal a big black spot on his skin that still emitted smoke.
This particular wound was a result of an intense Hamon attack that burned Ed’s skin, but that only described the external damage. In truth, the Hamon that Joseph had hit him with had gone deep inside the alchemist and overloaded his organs until they all shut down. With that one last attack, Joseph Joestar had ended the life of Edward Elric.
Seeing his opponent vanquished for good, Joseph let out a huge sigh of relief. Despite his victory, he couldn’t bring himself to celebrate due to his exhaustion, the pain he was in, and the regrets he had.
Joseph: I would have preferred keeping you alive to get that information about the stone, but you were just too strong. If I had held back for even a moment, there is no doubt my life would be over then and there.
Joseph dragged his body away so he could find a place to rest before he started searching later, but not before looking back at his opponent one last time.
Joseph: You were a worthy adversary to the bitter end. All I have left to say now is rest in peace.
Results[]
Boomstick: Well on the bright side, at least Ed will finally get to see his mom again.
Wiz: This fight had a lot of interesting twists and turns to it. Both Joseph and Ed had some very clear advantages over the other meaning that the big question here was whose strengths held more weight over the other.
Boomstick: Ed’s Alchemy gave him much better range and control over the battlefield, meaning it would be difficult for Joseph to get close. And even if he could, Ed spent months training in martial arts which was a lot longer than the training JoJo had with his hot mom.
Wiz: There was also a very clear difference in power. Joseph could scale to and most likely overpower Tarkus who destroyed a cliff with over 80 Tons of TNT, but remember that Kimblee caused an explosion worth over 157 Kilotons of TNT using a Philosopher’s Stone and Ed’s own body had the same potential of the stone.
Popup: In the 2003 adaptation, Roy Mustang destroyed a boulder which required 100 Tons of TNT and Ed should be comparable to that. This would put him at a similar level to Tarkus, but Joseph would likely still be stronger than this due to fighting stronger opponents like Straizo and Pillar Men.
Boomstick: Granted, comparing Ed to Kimblee is a bit of a stretch since a Philosopher’s Stone has many souls compared to Ed’s one, but even one percent of that would outclass Joseph by a long shot. Of course, that was assuming Ed would risk his own life force to begin with.
Popup: Some humans in JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure have survived hits from Star Platnium and Stone Free which possess far greater destructive power than Kimblee with his Philosopher’s Stone. Scaling Joseph to this would mean he could endure most of Ed’s attacks.
Wiz: And this is where things start turning around in Joseph’s favor. In contrast to Ed’s massive power advantage, he didn’t have any speed feats that came close to Joseph dodging the Red Stone of Aja’s laser. This difference in speed meant Joseph could easily dodge anything thrown at him and act quickly enough to counterattack.
Boomstick: And he had plenty of ways to counterattack thanks to Hamon. Since it could be poured into virtually anything for all sorts of effects giving him superior versatility if not unpredictability. Not to mention, if Joseph could get one clean hit on Ed he could inject enough Hamon to control his muscles or shutting down organs. Ed could take some big hits, sure, but he didn’t have a way to survive something like that.
Popup: Since Hamon can traverse through metal too, Ed’s automail limbs cannot protect him against Joseph’s Hamon. Jonathan had pulled off something similar when he defeated Bruford by injecting Hamon into the latter’s sword.
Wiz: Granted, Ed had an equally guaranteed one-shot through Destruction Alchemy. Under the right circumstances, he could have baited Joseph and effortlessly destroyed his body. Yet it was clear Joseph would land a fatal hit first, not just because of speed but wit as well.
Boomstick: Ed may be smart despite his temper, but Joseph has a longer history of winning fights by physiologically outsmarting his opponents. The Pillar Men for example had centuries of experience and were deemed far more intelligent than any human, yet Joseph had stumped them numerous times.
Wiz: Given enough time, Joseph would undoubtedly find a way around Ed’s Alchemy and outwit him. It’s worth noting that Joseph also tends to be more level headed in a fight while Ed is more or less prone to bursts of range.
Boomstick: So Joseph just needed to find a way to catch Ed off guard such as hiding ropes or grenades for makeshift traps. Heck, why not use Hermit Purple since Ed couldn’t see or harm it. All he needed was one clever move that would buy him enough time to land a fatal hit.
Wiz: Edward Elric was a tenacious one and his skill and Alchemy helped him put up one heck of a fight. But Joseph’s quick thinking, sleight-of-hand tactics, and supercharged Hamon were more than enough to snag him the win.
Boomstick: In the end, Ed simply didn’t have the “Full-Mettle” to stand up to JoJo. He should have stayed out of “Harm-on’s” way.
Wiz: The winner is Joseph Joestar.
Soundtrack Cover[]
Next Time[]
Tracer: Cheers, love! The cavalry's here!
Five: I'll say it in plain English: I am the perfect killer in every sense of the word BECAUSE I AM EVERY KILLER.
Next Time: Tracer vs Number Five!!!