Description[]
John Wick vs. Archer. Looking dashing in a suit is a calling card for any skilled and deadly killer.
Introduction[]
Wiz: An effective killer is often recognizable by two things; the trail of bodies that they leave and the way they dress.
Boomstick: Only thing sharper than their knives is those suits they wear.
Wiz: Like John Wick, the Legendary Hitman.
Boomstick: And Sterling Archer, the world's most dangerous spy. He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
John Wick[]
Wiz: In the criminal underworld, composed of assassins, brokers and crime lords, there is one man who is feared and renown above all of them.
Boomstick: John Wick, also known as Baba Yaga, and known also as the Boogeyman.
Wiz: Actually John isn't exactly the Boogeyman; he's the one you send to kill the Boogeyman.
Boomstick:...Oh.
- Background
- Age: Est. Late 40s
- Height: 6'
- AKA Baba Yaga
- Famed and feared hitman
- Widowed husband to Helen
- Really likes dogs
Wiz: John's background is a bit of a mystery. So far, we know that he was taken in by a guild of incredibly deadly people.
Boomstick: Ballerinas?
Wiz: Assassins, actually.
Boomstick: Well, there is a spin-off movie about a Ballerina coming out, so we'll say. Anyways, John then apparently joined the army, and we're guessing it was after that he decided to return to his assassination routes, and it turned out it really was his calling.
Wiz: Throughout his career, John Wick built himself a truly legendary reputation, becoming known far and wide by those in the criminal networks as potentially the most dangerous out of all the hired guns and hitmen there where.
Boomstick: Until one day, he decided to leave. And, surprise-surprise, it was for a woman. One quick impossible task later, and he was allowed to retire to live out his days with her.
Wiz: Too bad she ended up getting ill and dying after only five years together.
Boomstick: But there's no reason to be too sad John, she left you a cute little puppy to take care off!
Wiz: Oh, it was taken care off alright. By the punk son of John's former employee.
Boomstick: That "taken care of" unfortunately means nothing good. In fact, I still can't watch it without crying.
Wiz: Having lost the last remaining memento from his wife, and by extension the one thing that would keep him from unleashing his darker side, John Wick fell back upon his old life for revenge.
Boomstick: And no, we don't think slaughtering an entire criminal empire over a puppy is a petty motivation. They're living creatures too, and damn cute ones at that. Certainly a lot more than gangsters.
Wiz: In spite of having retired for five years, once John back on the scene, he quickly reminded everyone that there was a reason he was the Legendary Hitman.
Boomstick: He is a man of focus, commitment, pure will.
Wiz: Things you know very little about.
Boomstick: Hey! I know what a man is. They're what end up dead when they confront John Wick. Let's just come out and say that John is one really dangerous guy.
Wiz: John has shown himself to be an incredibly adept fighter, showing skills with Judo, Jujitsu, Aikido, Sombo and Brazilian Jujitsu, all means of martial arts that utilize close-quarters combat and grappling.
Boomstick: Once you fall into his clutches, you can expect a whole lot of unique maneuvers that leave you helpless to whatever firearm he has on hand.
- Arsenal
- Glock pistols
- Coharie Arms CA-415
- Kel-Tec KSG
- TTI TR-1 AR-15
- Benelli M4 Super 90 shotgun
- DTA Stealth Recon Scout sniper rifle
- Bulletproof suit
- Knives
- Explosives
Wiz: A benefit his usual attire, which is a tad bit bulletproof by the way, John prominently carries several glocks and pistols. Marks 26, 17 and 34 are all handguns that John has used, as are Heckler and Kochs, and Smith and Wessons.
Boomstick: Pistols may be John's favorite, perfect for making his martial arts set lethal, but he's also been shown to very skilled with rifles like a AR-15, and a DTA Stealth Recon Scout for sniping off his foes.
Wiz: He also has a Benelli 90 shotgun, perfect for reducing his foe's skulls to vapor.
Boomstick: Along with a Kel-Tec KSG gun. John sure does like carrying around two of every kind of weapon.
Wiz: Well it does pay to be doubly prepared for every kind of weapon you may need, but lack of guns has never been a real issue for John.
Boomstick: Name any item you can hold with one hand, and it's likely that John can use it to kill someone. He once killed three people in a bar...with a pencil. With a freaking pencil. So writing appliances really are mightier than the sword.
Wiz: As are books, antique knives and even his own belt. John Wick is truly a skilled fighter and it served him well on his path of vengeance.
- Feats
- Survived getting hit by a car
- Killed three men with a f**king pencil
- Sneaked around ninjas
- Fought through entire waves of enemies
- Smashed through bulletproof glass
- Fighting the entire assassin underworld is considered an even match for him
- Defeated Ms. Perkins, Cassian, Ares, Zero
Boomstick: Those kill streaks he pulls off are just as satisfying as the ones in Kingsman, as he takes out dozens of adversaries at a time with some real clean headshots and neat takedowns.
Wiz: Speaking of which, an infograph by George Hatzis has outlined that John's accuracy rating with his gun skills is an astounding 87%. To give you all an idea of what that means, throughout all his battles, John only ever missed less than two dozen shots.
Boomstick: No wonder so many people end up dead if he's that good at aiming, and there's not much they can do to slow him down. Even when he got hit full on by a speeding car, he was fine. A dizzied maybe but still in fighting condition to battle someone nearly as skilled as he is.
Wiz: You could count the number of people to have given John a truly hard time in a fight on just one hand. Okay, so that may be a bit of an exaggeration but John is tough enough to battle people who can smash him through bulletproof glass, and even did the same with a grappling drop, both feats worth 3 million joules at minimum (Jasonsith).
Boomstick: John has even been able to sneak around ninjas. You know, the masters of stealth attacks. And just think, all of this is from John Wick from five years of sitting on his ass. You can only imagine what he would have been like in his prime, but I guess you never forget how to efficiently kill.
Wiz: John's biggest weakness, however, is clearly his wrath; he just can't seem to ever give up on a path of revenge, even if it gets him more and more hot water.
Boomstick: But you can stab, shot or toss him off a roof all you like, it ain't gonna keep him down for long.
Wiz: If John Wick decided you need to die, then you are going to die.
Sterling Archer[]
Wiz: ISIS. A secret spy agency dedicated to fighting terrorism.
Boomstick: But aren't they named after a real life terrorist cell? I'm pretty sure that they are.
Wiz: Yeah it's...kinda confusing. And honestly, you wouldn't be wrong in thinking those two organizations are so similar, because ISIS's track record isn't the best. However, in spite of this, they have on their hands a truly deadly asset, a man dubbed the most dangerous spy in the world.
Boomstick: And also dubbed Dutchess, so it's not wonder he introduces himself by his already badass name, Sterling Archer.
- Background
- Age: 40s
- Height: 6'2
- Agent of ISIS
- World's most dangerous spy
- Numerous potential candidates are his father
- Favorite animal: Ocelots
Wiz: There's quiet a bit to say about Sterling Archer. First and foremost, his childhood was not a great one, with his mother being an overbearing yet incredibly absent special service agent and his caretaker Woodrow too busy drowning himself in drugs to actually look after him.
Boomstick: There's a reason why Archer grew up to be as messed up a person as possible.
Wiz: You know...you're actually right there. But aside from a rather volatile manchild, Archer also grew into a very dangerous spy, working for his mother as she led ISIS.
Boomstick: So he's the son of the woman running the agency. That's the James Bond equivalent of a kid's parent being a teacher at a school, which essentially makes them untouchable.
Wiz: Well, I wouldn't call Archer very privileged of this. After all, his mother does keep sending him out into danger.
Boomstick: You mean the "Danger Zone"!
Wiz: Sure, why not.
Boomstick: Not only is it one badass song with only the chorus being remotely memorable, but it's also kind of what those who come up against Archer end up stepping into.
Wiz: Archer is a skilled hand-to-hand fighter and has been specifically be said to be capable of Krav Maga. It is a martial art created by an Isrelian Martial artist, and it's main principles focus on simultaneous defense and offense, taking out opponents as quickly as possible with continuous attacks to vulnerable points and recognizing the importance of instinct under stress.
Boomstick: That last part definitely sounds like Archer; guy's so darn cavalier under dangerous situations you could mistake him for barking bad. The part that doesn't make it mesh well with Sterling is the fact the original principle is for users to direct confrontations as much as possible.
Wiz: That's something that Archer doesn't really do at all.
Boomstick: Wiz. WIZ!
Wiz: What?
Boomstick:...Danger Zone. When Archer doesn't want to resort to fisticuffs, he uses gunplay.
- Arsenal
- Walther PPK
- Knives
- Grenades
- Machine guns
- Handguns
- Spy gear
Wiz: His most common weapon is the Walther PPK, a small pistol made famous by the James Bond movies, and that he can apparently equip with a silencer for when he decides to go in for stealthier approaches.
Boomstick: For when that happens, it's best that he camouflages himself in his tactleneck, to help him blend into the shadows.
Wiz: Whilst Archer does seem to favor his compact pistol, he is skilled with many different forms of firearms, which would include machine guns and shotguns.
Boomstick: He's also get grenades for blowing up people and spy gear for climbing up glass surfaces. But it isn't just normal weapon Archer can use. He's rather good at using ordinary items as weapons, from using a spatula to cut open a man's throat to using a glass-breaking hammer to knock another out.
Wiz: And although booze is his one true love, hence the flask he always keeps on hand, he won't hesitate to turn any supply he has into a Molotov Cocktail.
Boomstick: Archer's status as the world's most dangerous spy has been more than proven. He's taken on numerous adversaries all at the same time, and usually come out on top.
- Feats
- Left a dent in a wall
- Fought off an entire biker gang
- Takes a lot of injuries with minimal pain
- Killed a man with a spatula
- Counted all the bullets from fired guns
- World’s most dangerous spy
- Defeated Barry, Scorpio, Pinky Brewster, Delany
Wiz: What was probably his most impressive display, in spite of us never actually seeing it, was when he fought his way through an entire biker single handedly after being in a trunk for a long while.
Boomstick: There were pretty much 10 of those guys and Archer beat them all up with nothing but what he could find. He's even battled against the security personal at Area 51.
Wiz: It was during this fight that he shoved one of those soldiers into a wall hard enough to leave a sizeable dent, a feat needing over 400 joules of force to achieve (Jasonsith).
Boomstick: He can take punishment pretty well himself; he's been stabbed, beaten and shot, but either thanks to an incredible tolerance or his constantly sloshed state, none of these tend to slow him down.
Wiz: Even more absurdly, he was able to once count all of the bullets fired from every machine gun used by a group of his enemies. As in, he counted all the times one of these gumnen pulled their triggers and did so accurately.
Boomstick: Damn! Eat your heart out Deadpool.
Wiz: But it's important to remember that Archer is specifically classified as the world's most dangerous spy, not the most competent or successful.
Boomstick: He can even lower the mortality ratings of those he's directly aligned with. And his own immaturity jeopardizes the missions he would usually be successful in. Also, he isn't unbeatable, having gotten his ass handed to him by his cyborg archenemy Barry. But hey, the fact a cyborg is needed to take him out is a testament to just what Archer is capable of.
Wiz: If he gets you in his sights, then may god have mercy on your soul.
Interlude[]
Wiz: Alright the combatants are set and we've run the data through all possibilities.
Boomstick: It's time for a Death Battle!
The Battle[]
Setting: Warehouse at night
Archer marched towards the side door of the warehouse, taking a lengthy swig from his flask before stowing it away and fixing the silencer around his pistol. Taking a moment to let out a inebriated breath, he gripped the weapon's handle in both hands and kicked open the door.
Archer: Hey douchebags, I'm here on behalf of-
He stopped when he saw that the warehouse was already filled with dead bodies, and standing among them was John Wick, who cast a weary look at the interloper before reloading his pistol.
Archer: Oh great, now mother's not going to pay me, and I just know she's somehow going to know. Thanks for nothing ass!
He took aim at John, who aimed right back at him.
FIGHT!
John proved faster on the draw, firing a shot from his pistol at Archer, who rolled forward as a dodge in anticipation of the shot, before getting to one knee, aiming and returning fire. John darted forward to avoid the shots, Archer taking this chance to dash back in the opposite direction of his dodge. John took aim again and fired at Archer, but was unable to get him before he jumped over a forklift's front to crouch behind it. He remained crouched for a moment, hiding from John's fire as it struck the metal body of the vehicle and sent sparks flying, before poking up and opening fire. John spun his body around the side of heavily stocked selves, using it as cover as the bullets from Archer whizzed by him. Following his instincts, John ducked down and pushed his gun through a jap between some of self's items, aiming it upwards before firing, which forced Archer to duck down behind the forklift again as the bullets' accuracy was just a smidgen off. Archer yet again returned fire after steeling his arms on the hood of the forklift, forcing John to duck down his head as the bullets smashed through the selves' items. John fired back, his aim off by a slight and his bullet hitting the metal hood and throwing up sparks, making Archer close his eyes for a split second although he didn't stop returning fire. John realized that he was getting nowhere with this approach and cast a quick look down the other way of the selves.
Archer continued to fire at where John had been.
Archer: Huh, maybe Cyril is onto something; suppressive fire works.
He quickly reloaded as soon as he clicked empty, ducking down as he did in anticipation for the retaliation. But he was surprised when there was none. He peered cautiously out over the forklift.
Archer: Uh...what?
He heard a click to the side of him and he instinctively darted backwards in his crouching position as John fired a shot from his pistol. Archer whipped his arm about to try and get a shot into John's stomach, but the latter's hand grabbed his wrist and wrenched it to the side so that the shot missed him. John then attempted to bring his gun around to aim it at Archer's face, but this time the spy grabbed John's wrist to stop him. As a result, the two where simultaneously holding each others gun-bearing wrists and attempting to overpower the other. Bit-by-bit, the latter objective was obtained by the two of them. The instant they believed they had a good enough angle, they both fired, the ricochet breaking their struggle and they released each other. Archer's hand swiped out to knock John's gun from his hand, sending it clattering to the ground before attempting to bring his gun around. John used his forearm to intercept Archer's moving arm before his other hand shot out to grab Archer by the neck, swinging him around and slamming him against the forklift. John released Archer's throat before, in quick succession, using his hand to strike Archer's wrist and make him drop his gun, before bringing the clenched hand back to strike the spy across the jaw. Archer glowered out the corner of his eye and swung out his own fist to catch John in his face's side. Archer attempt another swing with John blocked with his arm before delivering a punch into Archer's chest. Archer was still able to guard his head when John attempted a double chop into both sides of his neck before bringing his leg up and kicking John backwards. With some space now obtained, Archer went for a jumping kick, which knocked John onto his back, but as soon as he had landed, Archer got one of his legs swept out from beneath him by John's sweeping leg, forcing him onto one knee before Archer's foot connected with his side, knocking him backwards. They both got back to their feet quickly, before they began trading close quarters punches, kicks and blocks. As they fought, they slowly moved backwards towards towards one of the pillars supporting he warehouse's roof. John was eventually struck in the chest by a flat palm strike that knocked him against the pillar. Archer went for a punch, but John grabbed his arm and forcefully guided the knuckles to strike the metal pillar. Archer hissed in pain whilst John dropped down and grabbed the machine gun he had stored there beforehand. He brought it up and fired a volley at Archer, who only just had time to grab the muzzle and direct it way from himself. John wrenched his weapon free from Archer's grasp and struck him in the chest with the gun's butt. Archer stumbled back before dashing to the side to avoid the fire that John followed up with. Archer jumped behind a wooden crate as yet another form of cover, John's bullets chipping away at the box until Archer poked out behind it with an uzi, firing out. John went behind the pillar to avoid the bullets, before returning fire. Archer ducked, then fired again, then ducked from another barrage of John's. John kept up the barrage as he moved out from behind the pillar and moved towards the crate. Archer, keeping his back against the crate, was oddly silent as he heard the bullets fired. John suddenly came around the corner of the crate, aimed, and pulled the trigger.
Only for it to click empty. Archer tutted as he got back to his feet, his uzi aimed at John.
Archer: Looks like someone isn't counting their-
John's empty gun suddenly smacked into his face mid-sentence and Archer was suddenly beset by him, John grabbing the uzi and punching Archer in the stomach, forcing him to release his weapon. Before John could make use of his newly stolen gun however, Archer grabbed a hold of one of the splintered planks of the crate and wrenched it off, using it as an improved weapon to knock the uzi from John's grasp before striking him in the chest with it's chipped end. John bent over from the attack as he stumbled back before Archer let out a yell and swung it down at him. The assassin blocked the attack with his forearm, ignoring the jolt of pain that came with it, before grabbing the plank, pulling it down and shoving it forward into Archer's face. In spite of the impact leaving him a bloody nose, Archer was apparently unphased, and merely grabbed the side of John's head to smash him into the crate, smashing it to smithereens. With John on his back amongst the planks, Archer raised his to believe another strike, but suddenly it was blown to smithereens. John ejected the shell out of his shotgun and aimed it up at Archer.
Archer: Oh, not again!
He chucked the shorted piece of plank at John, who knocked it aside with his shotgun's barrel before firing a second shot, which Archer rolled to the side to avoid. Getting back to his feet, John another shot, which Archer dived behind the forklift from before to avoid whilst also scooping up his gun. He ran out from behind the cover quickly, firing at John to keep him pinned, the assassin turning about so that the bullets hit the back of his bulletproof suit, reloading his shotgun at the same time. Archer ducked behind a pillar, peering out only briefly before John fired, the shotgun round denting the metal of the pillar as Archer ducked back. He reloaded his gun and cast a look at the staircase to the warehouse walkway. As John moved forward cautiously, his finger on the trigger of his shotgun, Archer rolled forward, dodging the shot John unleashed, before firing back on one knee. John covered his head with the bulletproof sleeve of his suit, Archer taking advantage of this to leap over the banister of the stairs and run up to the walkway. John fired as he went, but missed.
Archer: Hey douchebag!
John looked up to see Archer was on the walkway and holding two primed grenades.
Archer: Suck on this!
He tossed the grenades so that they landed right in front of John. His eyes widened and he darted forward to get away from the grenades before they could explode, which they did with a blinding flash, leaving two smoking craters in the ground. Archer looked down at his handiwork, searching for any sign that it had successful, his gun at the ready.
A creak of metal made him turn around in its direction, but was unable to fire before John, who had somehow managed to get onto the walkway himself, did. The shotgun shell did Archer in the upper left side of his chest, sending him staggering back and causing his gun to leave his hand, where it smashed through the window next to the walkway. Archer regained his footing, disregarding the wound in his chest, and watched as John lowered the shotgun before tossing it away.
Archer: Let me guess; out of ammo?
John:...Yeah.
Archer: It speaks ai? Well anyway, that makes things easier for me.
He pulled out his knife and John did the same. They both stood their for a moment, on their ends of the walkway before they darted forward. Archer brought his knife down at John's shoulder, the assassin halting his arms movement with his forearm before slashing out, Archer skipping back from the attack. Archer went for a lunging stab, but was forced to back away by John's second swipe aimed at his neck. They spent some time jabbing and swiping at each other with their knives until John was able to get a hold of Archer's wrist as he tried to stab at his side, and the former stabbed his knife down into Archer's shoulder before the spy could react. Like before however Archer ignored the injury and head-butted John, sending him reeling backwards. Archer performed a jumping downwards stab, which John dodged the the left to avoid, before blocking the outwards knife slash that Archer followed up with, before the spy rushed the assassin, grabbing his throat and pinning him against the walkways ending. In his predicament, John shot out his hand to grab Archer's wrist as he tried to bring the knife down at him, the two men grinding their teeth as they attempted to overpower the other. John ended the deadlock by bringing his knee up to strike Archer between the legs, and this time, Archer definitely felt this, his eyes widened and his breath stopping. John kicked Archer away from him, before charging forward and ramming his knife into Archer's gut. He didn't stop his forward motion, pushing Archer back with his charge until he came to a sudden stop and hurled Archer out of the window.
John took a moment to catch his breath before walking over to the hole he had made, to look for the corpse of Archer and confirm his kill. The second he got close however, Archer's hand grabbed a hold of his tie. The spy had been able to bring out one of his window-scaling suction cups whilst going through the window, planting it on one of the undamaged square of glass.
Archer: Surprise!
He pulled on John's tie and dragged him out the window. As he fell, John twisted around and grabbed onto Archer's ankle, proving to be heavy enough to tear the suction cup off the glass and bring Archer tumbling down with him on the short drop to the ground. Both impacted with a solid thump, and lay their for a moment due to the dizzying pain. When Archer's cleared up, he looked up to see his gun a few inches away from himself. He crawled towards it as John staggered back to his feet, his back to the spy. Archer pushed himself forward and grabbed his gun, whipping around in a crouching position and aiming at John in the same instance he turned to face him.
Archer: Hasta la Vita!
Something suddenly shot towards him and buried itself in his gun hand. Archer yelled and dropped the gun, seeing it was a shard of glass from the window. John scooped up two more shards in his bare hands and darted towards Archer, driving one into his side and the other through his forearm when he tried to block. Picking up two more, John slashed Archer across his face and chest before driving them both into the latter area, before adding a third, four and fifth, and sixth to his shoulder. Archer stumbled back, numerous shards of glass in his body and dropped to his knees whilst John straightened up and produced something from his pocket; a pencil.
Archer: Oh wait, I had something for-
John grabbed him by the back of his hair and stabbed the pencil through his eye, killing the spy, before tossing the body back.
John: Be seeing you...asshole.
KO!
Outcome[]
Boomstick: Holy shit-snacks!
Wiz: Both John and Archer were experts at what they did, and indeed this battle could have gone either way at first, especially since they matched in each in some areas.
Boomstick: Right. John knows a lot of martial arts but Archer's Krav Maga is a real life combination of most of them, so they were even when it came to martial arts capabilities. Both could take a lot of pain and keep on trucking, and both could improvise weapons.
Popup: Both also had similar arsenals of guns and explosives.
Wiz: Archer's bullet counting would definitely lend him some sort of advantage at the very least but John has always been quick adapter, especially when needing to reload, so it wouldn't concretely help Archer more times then than it would.
Boomstick: So how did John exceed Archer? Ironically, it's in most of the areas we say they're equal in.
Wiz: Let us explain. In terms of close-quarters combat, whilst neither held a distinct edge with fighting skills, John did have a lead in strength, being over 7 thousand times stronger than Archer thanks to his breaking of bullet proof glass.
Boomstick: Strength like that would be useful to John in a brawl, meaning he'd have a higher chance to overwhelm Archer. There's also John's bullet proof suit, which is something Archer doesn't really have. Archer may be able to basically ignore injuries, but a wound inflicted is still a wound, and will still slow you down whether you want it to. So boom, John leads with endurance as well.
Wiz: In the end, maybe what most defines John's victory is his basic foil to Archer in terms of their personality. Archer is certainly efficient, but only when he wants to be, and that incentive is often absent even in the heat of battle. In contrast, John is always putting his all into completing his missions, wasting no time in getting something done.
Popup: Whilst John's peak capabilities are unknown, the factors mentioned were all present or available to him after five years of retirement.
Boomstick: We know for a fact John doesn't go in for any cheesy one liners, unlike Archer, nor does he drink himself to debilitating levels.
Wiz: Unlike Archer. The world's most dangerous spy he may have been, but when you look at the full picture, John had the professionalism, the defenses and the strength in his favor.
Boomstick: John just...um...damn it, I had something for this!
Wiz: The winner is John Wick.
Next Time[]
Ripping and tearing
Spills out blood
Trivia[]
- Connections: Both are skilled gunmen, fighters and assassins, who have reputations as being incredibly dangerous individuals in their respective fields. Both also wear suits and are known for the violent rampages. Both have feminine codenames/nicknames (Baba Yaga and Duchess respectively). Furthermore, both have been under the tutelage of controlling maternal figures and have had their cars stolen from them.
- Animation Style: Hand-drawn.
- OST Idea: 'Wicked Archery', which is a combination of both their names and their marksmanship skills.