| John Steed and Emma Peel vs. Phil Coulson and Melinda May | |
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| Season 1, Episode 3 | |
| Air date | August 24, 2016 |
| Written by | I'm Lynda |
| Episode guide | |
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Next Quick Draw McGraw vs. Yosemite Sam |
John Steed and Emma Peel vs. Phil Coulson and Melinda May is a What-If? Death Battle by I'm Lynda. It features John Steed and Emma Peel from the 1960s British television show, The Avengers, and Phil Coulson and Melinda May from the 2010s American television show, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
{NOTE: This battle was written before the airing of season 4 of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. As such, it may not reflect changes in the characters that appeared after that time.)
Description[]
Two of Britain's best known television secret agents square off against two of America’s best known television secret agents.
Interlude[]
Boomstick: Every secret agent will tell you that the most successful team is a well-trained, widely feared ass-kicker...fronted by a good-looking and well-dressed man.
Wiz: Wait a minute, how many secret agents do you know?
Boomstick: Well, they don’t tell me in so many words that they’re secret agents, because if they did, they would have to kill me. Duh!
Wiz: Well, with any luck someone will admit it to you.
Boomstick: Yeah...wait...
Wiz: Today, we are pitting against each other two of television’s great secret agent duos. The first is Britain’s own Avengers, John Steed and Emma Peel.
Boomstick: And the other two are America’s great combo, Phil Coulson and Melinda May, the Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.!
Wiz: I’m Wiz, and he’s Boomstick.
Boomstick: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
John Steed and Emma Peel[]
Wiz: John Steed was a hero in World War 2, and a veteran of the elite Coldstream Guards.
Boomstick: Yeah, you know, the guys who march up and down in the giant fuzzy hats, looking like cosplay nutcrackers!
Wiz: At some point, Steed transferred to the British Intelligence Corps, and began to make a name for himself there.
Boomstick: Favoring tailor-made suits, classic cars and beautiful young female assistants, Steed foiled fiendish plots against the jolly old Queen by such villains as foreign agents, organized assassins and deranged ophthalmic surgeons.
Wiz: Do you even know what that means?
Boomstick: Sure, my ex-wife called me deranged all the time. I think it means, “Someone who’s right all the time.”
Wiz: Riiiiiiight. And the best known of all of Steed’s female companions was Mrs. Emma Peel.
Boomstick: Though not a member of “the Organization” herself, Mrs. Peel accompanied Steed on many missions, kicking open doors and kicking asses for the Queen.
Wiz: That’s right, neither Steed nor Mrs. Peel ever shied away from a fight, and many villains from Caithness to Land’s End learned not to take them lightly.
Phil Coulson and Melinda May[]
Boomstick: The Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement, and Logistics Division...Good God, someone definitely was willing to jump through a series of hoops to get an acronym that spelled out "S.H.I.E.L.D.!"
Wiz: Organized in 1967, S.H.I.E.L.D. has fought Hydra, and a host of other bad guys, employing many sunglassed and suited agents, all of them pretty interchangeable.
Boomstick: All interchangeable but one, Agent Phil Coulson. Coulson was Nick Fury’s right-hand man, the go-to guy he could count on to handle any situation, whether it required sneaking around, negotiations or good, solid violence.
Wiz: And when it came to violence, Coulson inevitably turned to Agent Melinda May.
Boomstick: Referred to as “the Cavalry,” Agent May enjoys a reputation within S.H.I.E.L.D. as an ass-kicker who can accomplish the impossible.
Wiz: She has fought bad-guys one at a time, two at a time, and has even taken on whole groups.
Boomstick: Combined, there’s little that this dynamic duo cannot accomplish, and those that get in their way had better watch out!
Intermission[]
Wiz: Alright the combatants are set; let’s end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: It's time for a DEATH BATTLE!
DEATH BATTLE![]
Pre-Fight []
In a semi-abandoned-looking office building in suburban Britain, Phil Coulson (dressed in his “official” suit) and Melinda May (in her S.H.I.E.L.D. jumpsuit) walk along a corridor, looking for a S.H.I.E.L.D. team sent in to retrieve a reported 0-8-4, an object of unknown origin. Stepping through a doorway they find the four S.H.I.E.L.D. agents spread out on the floor, two of them trying to stand up.
Coulson hurries to the closest conscious agent, and helps him to stand up. “What happened? Where’s the object?” he asks.
The agent is a bit unsteady on his feet as he looks at Coulson. “Two people, a man and a woman. They took it from us.”
“Which way did they go?” Coulson asks. But, instead of answering, the agent sinks to his knees.
Coulson hurries to a window and yanking it open finds the fire escape that he had expected to find there. As he begins to step through the window, he looks at May and says, “This way!”
Arriving at ground level, May points at a small, baby blue British sports car parked nearby, and the pair hurry towards the corner of the building. Rounding the corner, they find themselves confronted by a tall English couple, the man in an impeccably tailored suit and matching bowler hat, carrying an umbrella in his left hand, and the woman in a dark blue jumpsuit with white highlights.
May quickly draws her gun, and tells them, “Don’t move!”
The two raise their arms at the elbow, and smile disarmingly. Seemingly not bothered by the gun, Steed asks, “May we help you?”
“I believe you took something that belongs to us,” Coulson replies.
The man looks mildly surprised, but even more amused. “I didn’t take anything,” he says.
Turning to the woman he asks, “Did you, Mrs. Peel?”
Mrs. Peel shrugs. “Not even a pencil. What are you missing? Perhaps we can help you find it.”
Mrs. Peel smiles at Agent May and raises an eyebrow. While the woman is beautiful in an aristocratic way, May discerns the cold calculation going on behind her eyes. If someone is going to cause trouble, she decides, it will be her. She stares back at Mrs. Peel with a serious look, her gun pointed right at the woman’s chest.
Coulson looks somewhat annoyed as he tells the pair, “I’m afraid I don’t have time for games. I suggest you hand it over. Now.”
A distant siren begins to wail. Steed looks pleased, and says, “That will be the local police. How about we discuss this with them?”
As if on cue, the siren suddenly cuts off.
This time it’s Coulson who shrugs. “I’m afraid that they can’t make it. Will you hand it over now, please?”
Steed shrugs and says, “A gentleman always knows when to bow to the inevitable.”
He reaches up, bows, and doffs his hat.
FIGHT! []
Moving quick as a snake, Steed brings the hat down on May’s gun-hand. She cries out, as the gun drops from her hand and clatters to the ground.
Mrs. Peel kicks out with her fight foot, sending the pistol flying. Then she pivots her weight to her right foot, and back kicks May in the chest, sending her flying back.
Steed pops his hat back onto his head with his right hand, and brings his umbrella across with his left, knocking Coulson to the side.
Steed pursues Coulson back, and delivers a strong uppercut to the chin, rocking his head back. Coulson responds with a left to the stomach, doubling him up, and sending him over onto his back with a right.
Steed sits up, places his hand on his stomach and grimaces. "What have you got under that glove, a set of brass knuckles?"
Coulson shrugs. “Something like that. Do you give up now?”
Steed smiles. “Well, let’s just say that the gloves are off.”
Suddenly, Steed launches himself off the ground, thrusting with his umbrella like a sword. The tip jabs into Coulson’s stomach, sending him backward as he grabs his stomach.
Mrs. Peel steps forward in pursuit of May, while May gets into her fighting stance.
May leans back on her left foot, and kicks out with her right, once, twice, three-times, each of which is blocked. May leans in and punches her opponent in the face with her left, and then in the stomach with her right.
Suddenly, May cries out, and grabs her right hand with her left.
Mrs. Peel's eyes blaze, as the corners of her mouth turn up in a slight smile. She sidesteps to her left, and launches a roundhouse kick with her right leg.
May blocks with her left arm, and instinctively punches out with her right hand. Mrs. Peel grabs May's hand in both of hers, and pivots around, pulling May over her back in a judo throw.
May hits the ground, but instead of releasing the hand, Mrs. Peel quickly places her right foot against May's side, and drops into a sitting position. She begins pulling at May's arm, trying to dislocate her shoulder, while simultaneously wrenching her hand. May cries out in agony at the attack.
Steed thrusts with his umbrella, forcing Coulson to step backward, but also somewhat to his left. Steed thrusts and Coulson retreats, sidestepping to the left.
Suddenly, Steed switches his attack, and performs an overhead slash downward at his opponent's head. Coulson moves quickly, and catches the end of the umbrella in his left hand. He turns quickly, dragging the umbrella down, bending its cap and the bases of its ribs. He pulls, wrenching the umbrella away.
Coulson throws the umbrella away and looks at Steed. He's surprised to see that Steed still holds the handle of the umbrella, but instead of the stick, a long thin blade juts from it.
Steed smiles, and resumes his en garde position. "A Boy Scout is always prepared," he says. "It does seem to be a bit of an unfair advantage, though."
Coulson smiles and runs his right fingers across his left wrist. Instantly, an energy shield springs into existence on his left arm. He smiles and says, "I was a Boy Scout, too. Troop 100, Manitowoc, Wisconsin."
Mrs. Peel's face is a mask of determination as she continues her attack on May's right hand and shoulder. Suddenly, May swings her legs up and over, until her feet almost touch the ground above her head. Then, she brings them back down, kicking Mrs. Peel in the side of the head, and breaking her grip.
May rolls to her left, going through three complete rolls to put distance between herself and her opponent. She leaps to her feet, and resumes her fighting stance.
Mrs. Peel eyes May's stance, and then steps forward. May leans back on her left foot, and kicks out with her right. Mrs. Peel blocks the kick, and then May punches her in the stomach, driving her back. May then follows up with a two-footed dropkick, knocking Mrs. Peel onto her back. May runs forward jumping towards the woman's prone form with both feet.
Steed flourishes his sword up and down, thrusting towards Coulson's face and then stomach, as the S.H.I.E.L.D. agent shifts his shield to defend. "I got my Master-at-Arms badge in boxing, fencing, wrestling AND jujitsu."
Coulson ducks low, and punches out with his shield, driving Steed backwards. "I probably hit my height with the Dairying merit badge."
Steed steps forward, and spins around, knocking Coulson's shield wide with his left arm. He thrusts in with his sword, neatly cutting Coulson's tie in half as the agent steps back.
Emma Peel pulls herself to the right, and when Agent May lands, she punches her right fist into the back of her left knee, dropping her to all fours. She then pivots on her elbow and kicks May in the face, driving her back.
Mrs. Peel leaps to her feet, and charges forward. May rises to her knees, and punches her left fist into her stomach. May jumps up, and dropkicks her feet into Mrs. Peel, sending her reeling backward to the ground again.
When May charges forward, Mrs. Peel spins around on her hip, and kicks her feet out from under her, dropping her to all-fours. Before May can rise, Mrs. Peel climbs to her knees, clasps her hands together, and delivers a two-handed chop to the back of May's neck, laying her out flat.
Coulson swipes his fingers across his left wrist again, turning off the shield. When Steed thrust in again, he grabs unsuccessfully at the sword with his prosthetic hand. Steed pivots on his left foot, bringing the sword handle around into a back-handed punch to the face.
Coulson reels back with Steed pursuing. And when Steed thrusts his sword again, Coulson pivots to the right, and grabs Steed's sword hand pulling him forward and off balance. Quickly, Coulson grabs the back of Steed's neck with his left hand.
Steed grimaces as Coulson squeezes. Suddenly there's a cracking noise, and Steed drops to the ground. Coulson looks down in surprise at his opponent, seeing he head lolling at an unnatural angle.
Emma Peel looks up at the noise. "Steed!" she cries out in horror.
She runs at Coulson, and knees him savagely in the groin. Before the man can react, Mrs. Peel delivers an open-handed chop to the left of Coulson's neck, then the right, and then the left again.
Coulson drops to his knees, and Mrs. Peel knees him in the face, propelling him onto his back. She leaps onto his chest, pinning his arms down with her knees. She raises her arm, her hand open and flat, ready to deal a devastating blow to the throat, when suddenly a shot rings out.
Mrs. Peel's face turns into a look of profound surprise, and she slows topples over to the side.
Coulson looks up to see Agent May holding his pistol in her left hand. She steps up to him and offers the pistol. "I think you had better take this," she says.
KO! []
While Melinda May studies her hand, a pained look on her face, Phil Coulson takes Steed's bowler and places it straight on his head. "What do you think?" he asks.
May looks at him. With his rumpled suit, his cut-short tie, and the old-fashioned hat, he looks like a comedian from the silent movie era. Her face takes on a look of disgust. She goes back to studying her hand, deciding that two small bones are probably broken.
"Yeah, I know," he says. "I'm not a hat person."
He takes the hat off. "I wish I was though."
Coulson looks into the hat and sees that the inside doesn't match the top. He pulls back a fake top and exposes a hidden compartment containing the 0-8-4. He smiles at the object and says, "Yeah, there's a lot to be said for wearing a hat."
Suddenly, a large, black SUV screeches up to the curb and the doors pop open. Coulson and May run over to the SUV and leap it. The tires squeal as the SUV races off.
In the distance can be heard the sounds of British police sirens coming closer.
Results[]
Boomstick: Well, it looks like the Avengers need to be avenged.
Wiz: The Avengers had some real advantages at the start of this match. First of all, John Steed and Emma Peel often began fights, when they were together, with a well-coordinated attack that would leave their opponents wrong-footed. In this case, that paid off with an injury to one of their opponents. Two other advantage, though not decisive, were the little aces that Steed had up his proverbial sleeve - his armored hat and his sword-umbrella.
Boomstick: Unfortunately, for them, these little advantages were not enough to overcome the larger advantages held by the Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. One advantage was Phil Coulson’s high-tech prosthetic hand. But even more important was the fact that Coulson and Melinda May were better, more determined fighters.
Wiz: That’s right, the Avengers most often dealt with rather simple opponents – soldiers, spies, and even common villagers. The S.H.I.E.L.D. agents, on the other hand, were used to dealing with far more dangerous opponents – inhumans and aliens with superior powers and abilities.
Boomstick: And while the Avengers tried to avoid killing whenever possible, the Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. don’t often feel the need to limit themselves in a fight.
Wiz: The winners are Phil Coulson and Melinda May.
Next Time[]
Next time on Death Battle! It’s the classic Western showdown; two men walk into the street, and only one walks out when we present Quick Draw McGraw vs. Yosemite Sam!