Prelude[]
Die Hard vs 24! These courageous cops don't play by the rules, but none can break the rules of Death Battle! Who will live to die harder another day?
Description[]
"John McClane vs Jack Bauer" is a What If Death Battle created by LukeTime128. It is his second What If Death Battle (Season 1 Episode 2). It features John McClane from the movie series "Die Hard" and Jack Bauer from the television series "24".
Introduction[]
Wiz: In the wonderful world of action movies, it takes one hell of a herculean hero to save the day. But while these heroes push the boundaries of human badassery, at the end of the day, their vulnerabilities are still human.
Boomstick: Wiz, you already had me at "action heroes".
Wiz: John McClane, former NYPD cop who's always in the right place at the right time.
Boomstick: And Jack Bauer, former CTU agent who always gets what he needs. He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick
Wiz: And it's our job to analyse their weapons, armour, and skills to find out who will win, a Death Battle.
John McClane[]
John: Come out to the coast, we'll get together, have a few laughs..."
Boomstick: Heh heh... classic.
Wiz: John McClane Sr., detective lieutenant of the NYPD, is no normal police officer. After joining the police force at the age of 22 and separating from his wife, John was caught off guard when a group of German terrorists attacked the Nakatomi plaza, where John and his wife were staying.
Boomstick: So what did he do? Shoot 'em all, action hero style! John is basically the living embodiment of Max Payne bald guy action!
Wiz: Following this normally traumatic event, John's experiences with terrorist plots would be a recurring pattern throughout his life.
Boomstick: Poor guy can't seem to catch a break! Every time John seems to be close to reconciling with his family or moving on in his life, some douchebags just show up looking to make some cash from violent, bloody murder and John has to pull out go hero mode.
Wiz: Though John's compulsive hero disorder forever strains his life relationships, fortunately he's always the right man for the job to take down any terrible terrorist plots. As a one-man army of unstoppable New Jersey determination, John is more than comfortable taking on hordes of bad guys with his favourite pistol.
Boomstick: Which would be his Beretta 92FS, which holds 15 9mm rounds of pure American whoop-assery.
Boomstick starts firing rounds repeatedly by dual-wielding the Beretta and the Sig-Sauer into a target behind Wiz, causing him to duck.
Boomstick: Thanks to its sleek design and open barrel, this baby can fire up to 168,000 rounds without jamming, over 4 times the norm! No wonder its the US Armed Forces weapon of choice! He's also used a Sig-Sauer P220, which sacrifices ammo for accuracy.
The target behind Wiz falls over, onto his head, breaking. Wiz glares angrily at Boomstick.
Boomstick: Uh, sorry Wiz. Got a little carried away there...
Note: John has wielded other weapons in combat before and demonstrated competency, but he wouldn't naturally have access to these.
Wiz: (groans) Anyway, while the Beretta is certainly an awesome weapon, it's not the reason John has lasted as long as he has. That would be down to his unpredictability and ingenuity.
Boomstick: Like any good action badass, John has excellent awareness of his surroundings and a knack for getting out of sticky situations. While he may be awesome, he's not cocky, able to scale his abilities to make the best decisions possible to make sure he ends up winning in the end.
John: (to himself) Why the fuck didn't you stop them, John? Because then you'd be dead too, asshole!
Boomstick: Hell, he can think fast enough to trigger a plan's ejector seat before he could be blown up by grenades.
Wiz: Unlike most action movies at the time, John wasn't exactly bulletproof. In order to overcome armed terrorists and even corrupt militia, he had to rely on dirty tactics and out-of-the-box thinking to overwhelm his foes. Well, in the first three movies anyway.
Boomstick: Yeah, because apparently being a middle-aged old man makes you immortal. John's tactics wouldn't get him very far if not for his durability and willpower. The guy literally just doesn't ever stop! He's been shot multiple times and just kept on going like nothing happened, even with glass shards stuck on his feet!
Wiz: John may only be human, but his durability is less so. In the fourth film, he was thrown several stories from a window onto a van, and just kept going. By comparison, during production the stuntman, who was younger than McClane, was severely injured by that same fall and almost died.
Boomstick: Yeah, John's damn near superhuman. He can even run 20 kilometres in 20 minutes... somehow. That's 40 goddamn miles per hour! And you know that scene where he ties a fire hose around his waist and jumps off a building? That should've broken his whole spine! And he was just... ok!
Wiz: He's strong enough break necks effortlessly, which would require over 600 lbs of force to pull off. He's even faced and incapacitated Mai Linh, who tanked being rammed with a car and was fairly unscathed.
Boomstick: And even after being shot several times, including a point-blank shot to the shoulder, all he needed to heal was a short few minutes in an ambulance! Damn, this guy's kids are lucky, I wish my dad was as cool as him. You know... if I had one...
Wiz: Unfortunately, while McClane is undeniably badass, it comes at a cost. He became heavily reliant on alcohol and cigarettes until he fourth film-
Boomstick: Wait, not drinking makes you bulletproof? That's bull! I've dodged loads of bullets when walking back from the bar!
Wiz: And his family relations suffered as a result. He got divorced, and took two more life-threatening missions just to reconcile with his kids.
Boomstick: Well, at least his son became a successful spy! Like James Bond!
Wiz: More like, well, John McClane. It's his name after all.
Boomstick: See? McClane's so cool his kids are named after him! He may have his vulnerable and hard-headed moments, but in the end, they just make him even more of a badass. After all, (deep, raspy voice) only real men cry!
John turns on his cigarette lighter, lying on the runway of Dulles Airport...
John: Yippee-kay-yay motherfucker...
... before lighting the trail of gasoline and blowing up the terrorists' plane.
Jack Bauer[]
Jack: I see fifteen people held hostage on a bus, and everything else goes out the window. I will do whatever it takes to save them - and I mean WHATEVER it takes.
Wiz: Born in California in 1966, Jack Bauer is a former US Army serviceman who joined the Los Angeles Counter-Intelligence Unit to take down criminals even the FBI can't reach.
Boomstick: Probably because they don't have someone like Jack on their side. Seriously, this guy is the scariest agent ever!
Jack: I have killed two people since midnight, I haven't slept in over 24 hours. So maybe... maybe you should be a little more afraid of me than you are right now.
Wiz: But being a action-drama TV show, Jack wouldn't be allowed to be anywhere near this tough without experiencing serious heartache. His conflicts only grew more personal every season, his life spiralling out of control until he became the very thing he sought to destroy...
Boomstick: Like Anakin Skywalker?!
Wiz: Less whiny and murder-happy, more constantly frustrated and torture-happy. Jack has no sympathy for criminals, even going as far as to torture his own brother just to get what he needs.
Boomstick: Damn! I'd say "whatever works" but... well... it doesn't.
Wiz: Indeed. But Jack didn't join the CTU as a torture specialist. He was an exceptional field agent, eventually becoming the CTU's director due to his expertise.
Boomstick: And the CTU gives him access to whatever he needs to take down the bad guys! Jack's wielded tons of guns over the years, but his favourite is his Sig-Sauer P228. It fires 13 9mm rounds with pin-point accuracy. He's also used a Heckler and Koch USP, which holds 15 rounds of the same ammo.
Note: Jack has used multiple other weapons and tools throughout his career, such as sniper rifles and body armour. However, these are given to him prior to the start of his missions and not something he can access naturally, nor is it something he typically carries.
Wiz: Jack is an excellent marksman, capable of wielding just about any weapon he gets his hands on. He's an excellent sniper, capable of sniping four henchman in the middle of a sting without either of the other soldiers being able to retaliate. Especially impressive, considering he was suffering from severe cardiac damage that skewed his heartbeat, requiring extreme precision with his shots.
Boomstick: And that heart damage? That was from being electrocuted to death by the same guys he shot. But it's ok, he got better. Actually, Jack's been clinically dead twice already, one time he had to do so for several minutes before being brought back. That's right, Jack Bauer is awesome enough to SURVIVE DYING!
Wiz: Jack is strong enough to break necks with his feet, and tough enough to survive numerous unrestrained car crashes. He's kept up with Tony Almeida in combat, who can shatter windshields in one kick. Given the size of the windscreen, it would require over 9,000 joules of energy to shatter both the glass and plastic layers of the windscreen.
Boomstick: Not to mention, as a special agent trained in the military and police force, Jack is an expert martial artist in Hapkido and Krav Maga, and knows just about every tactical response scenario you can think of. He's also smart enough to deduce terrorist plots by himself and outsmart even the most cunning of bad guys multiple times.
Wiz: He's even endured sleep deprivation, torture and disease while still maintaining peak performance. You'd think that given his expertise, Jack would receive a little more respect for his actions.
Boomstick: While he was recruited as an adviser to the Secretary of Defence, people still seem to undersell his judgement. The guy's stopped World War 3 and yet everyone keeps thinking he's responsible for these bad guys' actions! It's just not even funny anymore... this just reminds me of the time I got kicked out of that bar in Canada.
Wiz: You shot the dartboard off the wall...
Boomstick: It was a dart gun, Wiz! An explosive dart gun, but they're not against the rules!
Wiz: Ugh, whatever. Anyway, they may have had a point about not trusting Jack though. His mental state is not exactly perfect, with how much heartbreak and tragedy he's dealt with over the years. He even once tried to start World War 3 just to kill the people who've wronged him, and the less said about his... extreme torture methods the better.
Boomstick: Ah well. Jack Bauer may be more than a little unhinged, but he's still a badass by any other name!
Jack: You can look the other way once, and it's no big deal, except it makes it easier for you to compromise the next time, and pretty soon that's all you're doing - compromising, because that's what you think things are done. You know those guys I busted? They were just like you and me, except they compromised... once.
Pre-Fight[]
Wiz: All right, the combatants are set and we've run the data through all possibilities.
Boomstick: It's time for a DEATH BAAAAATTLE!!
Fight![]
The residents of Los Angeles, California were used to the rampant acts of terror that had occurred the past few years. The attempted assassination of Presidential Candidate David Palmer had happened almost five years before now, and Charles Logan's militaristic presidency had come to an end. But all was still not fixed, as gunshots rang out from the sky-high stories of a downtown skyscraper.
Jack Bauer had just finished dealing with the remnants of Cheng Zhi's men, but had no more leads. Nothing more to guide him to the source of the attacks on the President. And since Chloe was unavailable, he had nowhere else to turn to.
Jack: Damn it... Damn it!
The computer that one of the now dead terrorists was using yielded no results, and Jack was getting desperate. The odds of any leads being on one of the fallen tangos was unlikely, but better than nothing.
But Jack's search was stopped before it began, as a gunshot rang out through the floor. Jack quickly ducked behind cover, before realising the shot came from another room. Moving on to the edge of a hallway, Jack prepared to advance...
...only to feel the barrel of a gun against the back of his head
John: Drop it, dickhead, it's the police.
Jack, recognising his opponent - through reputation, not familiarity - immediately lowered, but didn't quite drop his H&K.
Jack: John McClane, by any chance?
John: Well done, you're not so stupid after all, Jack. Now drop the gun!
Jack: If you know me, then you know why I'm here. These people need to die, John. You understand that?
John: Don't make me do this, Bauer, I got my daughter's Christmas party in an hour and I don't got time to waste. I know your beef with these guys, but your case doesn't look too good right now. I'll vouch for you the best I can, but you need to put down the gun. Now!
Jack knew he couldn't back away now, and so did John. Further negotiation was hopeless.
Jack: ...I'm sorry John, but you're in the wrong place at the wrong time...
Jack didn't waste time, bringing his elbow into John's stomach and kicking him to the ground. McClane barely reached behind cover before Jack aimed and fired with his Heckler and Koch, whilst John prepared to return with counter-fire
John: Well, there goes another fucking Christmas. Jesus H. Christ, John...
Fight!
Both combatants exchanged fire across the hallway, with Jack using a wall as cover and John using a fallen-over table. Neither had the means to exploit their opponent's position, and were forced to rely on timing their shots.
After a few missed shots, John made his move, running and taking cover behind a new cover that let him see and aim down the hallway Jack was in. He fired two shots, but Jack moved out the way and began retreating down the hallway. Dodging Jack's returning fire, John went to take more shots, only to realise his clip was empty.
John: Motherf-! Get back here!
John gave pursuit, but not before collecting an SMG from one of the dead mooks. Heading down the hallway, he noticed Bauer rushing up some stairs to the floor above, and prepared to take fire.
Only for the CTU agent to notice him as well and open fire with his own recently collected machine gun.
John: OH SHIT!
Jack: This is your last chance McClane. Walk away, or die.
John: Shove up your ass!
As John yelled his comeback, he opened fire from behind some boxes, which he used as cover to dodge Jack's barrage. Bauer retreated up the staircase, entering an office room full of computers. Using a nearby crowbar that was wielded by a fallen terrorist, he blocked the door to halt John's pursuit, giving him plenty of time to prepare.
John noticed that Jack had retreated into the room, but was having trouble with the door. His Beretta was low on rounds, so he switched to the Sig-Sauer to take down the door. After pushing with his shoulder a few more times, the door collapsed, giving him access to the room, where Jack was nowhere to be seen.
Scanning the room at level, nothing seemed out of place. Well, barring the dead bodies, at least. The NYPD cop only noticed one thing out of place - one of them was without a weapon. The man was clearly no computer analyst, but he wasn't armed...
John;s questioned were soon answered in a way he didn't expect - a large bullet firing through his shoulder.
John: AGH! Shit!
Jack lowered the sniper rifle as he moved out of the wardrobe he'd hidden inside. As he advanced to his opponent's position, John suddenly jumped up from the floor and opened fire with his machine gun, surprising Jack and forcing him to take cover. As McClane emptied his clip, Jack looked back up from his cover and aimed his pistol towards his injured opponent
Jack: Face it John. You're just a cop. You're out of your depth trying to take me in.
John: Oh yeah? Why's that?
Jack: I haven't slept in 18 hours, John. I don't have time for this.
John: No please, keep talking, I want you to explain it to me before I kick your ass!
Jack: What?!
Jack had barely enough time to realise McClane's strategy; one of those stray machine gun rounds had pierced a fire extinguisher on the wall behind Jack. It exploded before he could reach cover, knocking Bauer to the floor and disarming him as McClane sprang into action, grabbing his Sig-Sauer and rushing to Jack's position.
The CTU agent was barely able to recover before McClane knocked him back to the ground with a punch. John placed his arms around Bauer's head, attempting to break his neck. Jack knew he needed to escape his hold now, but trying to throw McClane over his shoulder wasn't working, as John was overpowering his grip with his own. Faced with no other option, Jack used his left hand to reach out and grab his own Sig-Sauer...
John: I'm gonna kill ya, I'm gonna fucking cook ya, and I'm gonna- GAH!
... before firing the weapon upwards, through John's arm. The injury caused his grip to loosen, enabling Jack to escape again. Throwing a grenade he's acquired earlier over his shoulder, he opened the door to try and escape to the roof, but John was able to get a shot off on his torso.
Jack: Agh! Dammit!
John kept trying to shoot at the escaping Bauer before noticing the grenade right next to him.
John: Oh shit... OH SHIIIT!
John was barely able to leap back over a table and escape the blast zone, with a chair being flung through the air over his body, as his opponent escaped. John knew he couldn't let him get away, but couldn't charge recklessly like last time. Jack was an incredibly threatening foe.
Jack was having similar sentiments. Though he seemed to be in the clear, as he was able to escape to the helipad on the roof, he knew he couldn't afford to lose focus. He wasn't expecting McClane to last this long, but given his legendary willpower, he wasn't anticipating him to give up now. Jack held his gun to the pilot of the terrorist helicopter on the pad until he'd boarded - this one still had his uses.
Jack: Get me out of here, and maybe I'll let you live. You hear me?
But as the helicopter began to carry Jack away from the tower, he noticed McClane, wielding an assault rifle, running up to the helipad as well.
John: Oh no you don't, asshole!
John opened fire on the escaping helicopter, eventually hitting the pilot square in the head and causing the helicoper to pivot wildly off the tower. Jack quickly rushed to the door of the chopper and opened it.
Jack: This is so going to hurt. AAAAAARRRGH!
Leaping from the helicopter, Jack landed and rolled across the helipad, as his former escape plan crashed and exploded below. He was less than pleased about the situation - he'd wanted to avoid a confrontation with the man who single-handedly saved Nakatomi Plaza, but now it was inevitable. Holding the only gun he had with any ammo left - the Sig-Sauer P228, he waited for John to catch up.
As John reached his opponent, he threw the now useless assault rifle to the ground and drew his own Sig-Sauer P220.
John: So... I guess you're under arrest now... This isn't how you thought it would end, is it?
Jack: This isn't over yet. (aims with the Sig-Sauer) I'd rather die than go to prison, John.
John: (aims his Sig-Sauer) Oh, for Christ's sake...
Both open fire at each other, most of their shots being dodged by their opponent until one shot each landed, causing both cops to recoil in pain. John recovered first, closing the distance and striking pistol whipping Jack across the face
Jack recovered and punched John right in the liver, grabbing his counter punch and jabbing his face, before landing a punch to the throat and disabling him, before throwing him over his shoulder onto the ground
For the first time in his life, John couldn't fight anymore - the pain from Jack striking his pressure points stopping him from standing up or aiming his weapon as Jack wiped the blood from his face. All John could do was crawl to the edge while Jack primed his Sig-Sauer.
Jack: Sorry John, but you were the wrong man in the wrong place at the wrong time.
...
CLICK! Jack's only subtle anxiety had struck true - the P228 had run out of ammo.
Jack: What?! Dammit!
John: Yippee...
Jack didn't have enough time to reload the weapon, as McClane had barely recovered enough to stand and punch him across the face.
John: Kay...yay...
His opponent stunned, McClane used the rest of his strength to throw Jack behind him and aim.
John:... MOTHERFUCKER!
John fired three rounds into Jack's chest, and the heated battle that rang gunshots across the LA skyline came to a conclusion. Jack fell backwards off the helipad, his corpse descending down the side of the building.
John lied down on the helipad, waiting for his backup to arrive. If he had any chance of making it to Lucy's Christmas party on time, he thought, they better have brought an ambulance...
K.O.
John is shown resting in an ambulance, whole CTU agents inspect Jack's corpse alongside the wrecked helicopter
Analysis[]
Boomstick: Hot damn! Not that's what I call a Death Battle! Classic John Woo action all the way!
Wiz: At first glance, it seemed as though Jack had this match in a choke-hold. His greater weapon skills and pinpoint accuracy gave John serious trouble, and his martial arts training seemed to give him the edge in close-quarters combat. But on closer inspection, John actually held most of the advantages here.
Boomstick: Jack was hella' strong, but John was stronger than an SUV! Scaling their strength feats together, this would make John about 10 times stronger than Jack!
Note: If we disregard John's SUV feat, this would still mean his strength was somewhat on par with Jack, and likely wouldn't change the outcome. Jack's best strength feat is 9000 joules, while John's is at least 100000 joules.
Wiz: And even with Jack's excellent skills, John's Beretta holds more rounds and is generally a more reliable and consistent gun when compared to any of Jack's guns. While it was possible for Jack's greater array of skills with each weapon to give him the victory in certain scenarios, he doesn't usually carry any of these into battle and instead acquires them from fallen enemies, giving John an equal likelihood of finding the same guns.
Note: Jack has worn bulletproof body armour on certain occasions, but these were only when working alongside CTU's strike force. Otherwise, he doesn't typically wear armour, preferring to keep his loadout light.
Boomstick: Both John and Jack were tough as nails, and could power through just about any non-lethal injury they could inflict on one another. But unfortunately for JB, there's a difference between stamina and durability.
Wiz: It was incredibly tough to find either combatants limit, but keep in mind that Jack has been severely injured and even killed in surprisingly mundane ways, like electrocution and knife wounds. At the end of Season 8, when Jack was shot, he was unable to overpower and fight back when he was captured by guards. Meanwhile, John has fought entire missions while suffering from similar wounds that normally give Jack pause.
Note: Jack did survive 2 years of torture from the Chinese, but there are too many unknown factors about this to say exactly if this gives him any advantages. Jack has also powered trough diseases, but John's ability to complete missions while hungover likely counters this.
Boomstick: Jack may be a badass secret agent, but John's taken on military men before, and with his greater movement speed, it's not like Jack was getting far enough away to snipe John from a distance.
Wiz: Jack put up a solid fight, and this match was far from one-sided but John's greater speed, strength, and durability was just enough to claim the victory.
Boomstick: Jack may not have died hard, but he was just the wrong man for this battle.
Wiz: The winner is John McClane.
Next Time Haiku[]
Two volcanic beasts
A Flash Fire on Death Mountain
An eruption begins...