Daei vs. Toho! These two quadrupedal Kaiju have spikes all over their bodies, and look unbelievably stupid sometimes, so let's see who's less unbelievable!
Interlude[]
Tabashi: In giant monster movies, there are three different kinds of Kaiju designs: "That's the coolest thing I've ever seen!", "Eh, it's okay, I guess.", and "WHAT IN GOD'S NAME EVEN IS THAT THING!?".
Angel: And my guess is that these two fall more into the third category than the second!
Tabashi: Jiger, the Parasitic Warthog.
Angel: And Varan, The Unbelievable Flying Squirrel.
Tabashi: Varanopode.
Angel: Flying Squirrel!
Tabashi: Varanopode!
Angel: FLYING SQUIRREL!
Tabashi: He's a frickin' VARANOPODE!!!
Angel: No, stupid! Everyone knows he's a Flying Squirrel!!
Tabashi: (groans heavily) For this fight, we will be examining the original, 1958, 1st generation Varan, as well as the 2nd generation Varan that appeared in Destroy All Monsters.
Angel: He's Tabashi and I'm Angel!
Tabashi: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
Jiger[]
Tabashi: The year was 1970, when Toho tried to capitalize off of Gamera's success by creating Kamoebas, as well as Ganimes and Gezora. On the lost continent of Mu (where another Kaiju sleeps), there was an ancient evil lying dormant underneath the island known as Wester Island.
Angel: See, an ancient native tribe possessed a statue called the "Devil's Whistle", which kept the creature dormant and at bay underground. But as usual, some assholes from a fair called "Expo 70" came and disregarded the warnings of the natives, taking the Devil's Whistle and waking up the Kaiju.
Tabashi: And the Kaiju was... a parasitic Warthog with spikes for everything (don't take that out of context)!
Angel: Enter Jiger, the Parasitic Warthog. Standing 131 feet (40 meters) tall, 262 feet (80 meters) long, and weighing in at 200 metric tons, Jiger has a few accomplishments right off the bat, being both the first female Kaiju in the Gamera franchise and the first Kaiju to fight Gamera on an island that doesn't have a city I already like Jiger, despite her being a parasitic bitch!
Tabashi: Well, make no mistake, Angel. Jiger is an impressive Gamera foe. Anyways, Gamera and Jiger had round 1 on Wester Island, with Jiger ultimately winning. Jiger then headed to Osaka, where she rampaged through the city in order to get to Expo 70. See, those assholes Angel mentioned earlier had taken the Devil's Whistle to Expo 70 to... study it, I think? And since ol' DW had kept Jiger dormant for millennia (we'll explain it all later), Jiger naturally wanted to destroy it. But fortunately for everyone, Gamera finally arrived for round 2.
Angel: Unfortunately, Jiger switched the flip, and GOT GAMERA PREGNANT!!!! THAT'S RIGHT, THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED!!! But don't worry, it'll all make sense eventually. So Jiger won round 2, and proceeded to decimate the area after throwing the Devil's Whistle into the ocean. But some kids were able to get inside Gamera and kill the Baby Jiger that was infecting him, so the Guardian of the Universe came back for round 3. This time, however, Gamera managed to get the upper hand by taunting the Parasitic Warthog with the Devil's Whistle. Try as she might, Jiger couldn't escape her fate, and she was ultimately killed when Gamera threw the Devil's Whistle INTO JIGER'S SKULL, ending the poor Warthog's pain for once and for all.
Tabashi: But despite being killed at the end of her film, Jiger was still a powerful Kaiju, and perhaps one of the most powerful in the Gamera franchise, so let's run through her abilities. Physically, Jiger is actually pretty strong. I mean, before, I would've said that she was the strongest of the Showa Gamera Kaiju, since she weighs 200 metric tons (the most of Gamera's Showa Era), but now we can say she's up there with some Godzilla Kaiju. Remember, Gamera's High Fever Muscles can lift 10,000x what an ordinary human can, so that translates to roughly 28,440 metric tons. And Jiger was able to overpower Gamera, so she must be at least somewhere CLOSE to that.
Angel: Also, Jiger's decently fast for a Gamera monster, being able to run at speeds breaching 186mph (300km/h).
Tabashi: With her weight in mind, that means Jiger has a Kinetic Energy yield of... 0.2 tons of TNT. Huh, I could've sworn that was a lot higher the last time I calculated it....
Angel: Anyways, in terms of actual ABILITIES, Jiger has perhaps the weirdest in the Gamera franchise. That's right, this parasitic Warthog has abilities that are weirder than Guiron's nose shurikens and Gyaos' poisonous nipple gas!
Tabashi: Take, for example, the Solid Saliva Missiles, quills made of (you guessed it) solid saliva. Jiger can fire these spit—spears from the corners of her nose, and they're powerful enough to easily skewer Gamera's hands and feet, which managed to keep him from retracting his limbs into his shell.
Angel: Remember, Gamera survived a collision with an asteroid that was worth 6-7 Megatons of TNT, as well as a Magnitude 12 earthquake beam worth about 151 Gigatons—15.1 Teratons of TNT, so the fact that Jiger's able to easily penetrate his skin via those spit—spears is God damn impressive in its own right!
Tabashi: Also, Jiger was able to almost react to Gamera, and this version of the tenacious Turtle Titan can fly at Mach 3 (2,302mph)! But here's the second—weirdest ability of them all: she can fly! No, I'm NOT kidding! By consuming a large amount of seawater, Jiger can expel jets of it from her gills located on the sides of her head. This Jet Propulsion allows Jiger to move so incredibly fast, that when she hit some ships, they were blown clean in half!!!
Angel: Jiger is also equipped with Magnetic Suckers on her hands and feet. They are said to possess 1,000,000x the suction power of a vacuum cleaner, so here come the calculations!
Tabashi: Okay, in 2014, the EU prohibited the use of vacuum cleaners that used over 1,600 watts. Now, since we want to get a high—end energy yield, we'll use that as our number. Multiplying that by 1,000,000, we get 1,600,000,000 watts, or (when run through a KE calculator)... 0.4 tons of TNT.
Angel: Jesus, what is with these low energy outputs?
Tabashi: Well, this is what Daei gets for making their Kaiju lightweight. But it's okay, though, because Jiger continues the rich tradition of all the Gamera Kaiju by having at least one trump card ability. But unlike most Gamera Kaiju, Jiger actually has two trump cards! First off is the Magnetium Beam, where Jiger emits an Ultrahigh frequency (in the form of an orange curve) from a single corner of her head. This thing can affect entire city blocks at the same time, and is so powerful that it completely vaporized buildings and bleached human skeletons!
Angel: But Jiger's greatest trump card of all is her Parasitic Stinger. It's the tip on the end of her tail, which has a Fallopian tube inside her tail, which is attached to her ovipositor (the place filled with her eggs). Contrary to popular belief, the stinger is not venomous, instead just being used to infect Jiger's opponent with an offspring. The Baby Jiger then feeds off the host's blood and energy when it hatches, giving this attack the names "Vampiric Tactic" and "Bloodsucking Strategy". Also, since it turned Gamera's head and arms a deadly white (almost transparent!), this attack became known as the "Transparency Tactic".
Tabashi: Jiger's feats are actually pretty numerous and impressive, for a Kaiju with the pettiest Kinetic Energy in her Verse. She's fought Gamera three times, and actually defeated him twice! Her Magnetium Beam, as we mentioned before, was able to vaporize buildings and people over hundreds of meters, and she would've killed Gamera if it wasn't for those damn Kennys!
Angel: Well, somebody's been watching too much Brandon Tenold (check out his YouTube channel). Anyways, as cool as Jiger is, she still has her fair share of weaknesses.
Tabashi: Right, since Jiger emits Ultrahigh frequency waves, she can be weakened by low—frequency ones. This is how the Devil's Whistle is able to keep her at bay. As a baby, Jiger can be killed by these low—frequency waves, shown when the aforementioned Kennies stuck a communicator to Baby Jiger's head.
Angel: In addition to low—frequency waves, Jiger's stinger can be broken off if sufficient enough force is applied, shown when Gamera flattened it via the Devil's Whistle. Also, if Jiger gets impaled in the skull, it's game over. But unless you've got the Devil's Whistle on—hand, I'd watch out for this Parasitic Warthog!
Varan[]
Tabashi: At least 251,000,000 years ago, an ancient reptilian species known as the Varanopodes ruled the Earth alongside Godzilla and Anguirus’ species. When the event that killed the dinosaurs forced the Kaiju into hibernation, most of the Varanopodes were wiped out. Well, all but at least one, that is, and that one went to live in a lake for millions of years.
Angel: This survivor would be seen as a God to the villagers living near the lake, who gave him the title “Baradagi,” or “Baradagi Mountain God.” But that’s hard to both remember and say, so eventually, he was given a much cooler name-
Tabashi: -Varan, the Unbelievable.
Angel: Now, Varan has had a few different heights over the course of his film career, but to make this fight fair, he will stand at 164 feet (50 meters) tall, and weigh in at 15,000 metric tons. And that is heavy for a giant Flying Squirrel.
Tabashi: Actually, Angel, Varan's not a Flying Squirrel.
Angel: Really? He walks quadrupedally, glides, and looks as ugly as a Flying Squirrel, but he isn't one? Well, then what the heck is he?!
Tabashi: Well, as I stated before, Varan is actually a Varanopode, which (according to the films) is a giant gliding reptile. However, according to a toy released in 2016, it's possible that Varan has a close evolutionary relationship with both Godzilla and Rodan.
Angel: Oh. Well, I guess that would explain some of Varan's abilities, like his nigh—impenetrable hide and glide speed of Mach 1.5 (1,151mph). That's the exact same as the Showa Rodan!
Tabashi: We're not there yet. Anyways, Varan first appeared when some scientists were sent to the lake to investigate a pair of rare Siberian Butterflies. Varan killed the scientists, and when another team was sent to investigate, he attacked them, killing the village Priest in the process. Varan then proceeded to destroy the village before returning to his aquatic home.
Angel: Unfortunately for him, the JSDF decided to attack by infecting the lake with chemicals, and opening fire upon flushing Varan out. That was a dumb move on their part, though, because Varan got so pissed off that he glided off towards Tokyo.
Tabashi: Varan surfaced from Tokyo Bay and attacked Haneda Airport. The JSDF bombarded Varan with all their available artilery and jets, but Varan was still unharmed. Luckily, though, after swallowing some experimental explosives, Varan finally died.
Angel: But in 1999 (the time Destroy All Monsters takes place), a 33—98 foot (10—30 meter) tall juvenile Varan was living on Monsterland among Earth's other monsters. When the alien beings known as the Kilaaks took control of the Kaiju, Varan disappeared, and wasn't seen again unti the Earth Kaiju fought King Ghidorah at Mount Fuji.
Tabashi: Now, I know what all you G—Fans are thinking: "But wait a minute, Varan, Baragon, and Manda didn't actually participate in the battle! They were basically just cheerleaders!" Well, you would be right, except for one little thing.
Angel: See, Varan, Baragon, and Manda were actually meant to participate in the final battle. The only reason they didn't is because their damn suits suffered from too much use! I mean, even the posters showed them fighting King Ghidorah! Then again, one of them ALSO made Gorosaurus look like the original Yongary for some reason, so maybe we shouldn't fully trust those.
Tabashi: Probably not. Anyways, what we're trying to say is that in literally EVERY WAY except what happened in the film, Varan, Baragon, and Manda were supposed to fight King Ghidorah. In fact, the Manga adaptation for Destroy All Monsters shows them taking part in the fight, with Manda wrapping around King Ghidorah's wing and Varan sucker—punching one of the Three—Headed Monster's heads! And it looked painful, too!
Angel: And here come the abilities. As I stated before, Varan can glide at Mach 1.5 (1,151mph), which, with his weight of 15,000 metric tons, gives us a Kinetic Energy yield of 475 tons of TNT. But it gets much better than that, so stay tuned!
Tabashi: In case you haven't figured it out yet, Varan is a Tri—phibian. That means that he can easily walk on land, swim underwater (he did live in a lake for millions of years, after all), and fly in the air. Fun fact: Did you know that Varan is one of a very select few Kaiju in Toho and Daei/Kadokawa's Verses that's Tri—phibious? Yeah! In fact, Godzilla, Gamera, Hedorah, Zigra, the Gappas, Destoroyah, and Jiger are some (if not all) of the others.
Angel: Weird! And even weirder is the science of Varan's skin! Apparently, it's covered with huge blisters and lumps (that could possibly contain poison glands), which serve as osteoderms, or armor plates. But perhaps most bizarrely of all, there's a theory that... uh... help me out here, please!
Tabashi: There's a theory that Varan glides by somehow separating the oxygen and hydrogen in the water, and expelling the oxygen while pumping the hydrogen molecules into his lumps/blisters. But make no mistake: Varan may not've been seen in combat with any other monsters on film, but he still has a rather impressive set of feats.
Angel: Varan's easily cut through/crushed buildings using his arms, legs, and tail, suggesting that he may prefer melee combat over the ol' fly—by—smack technique. His spikes could be used for slicin' and splittin', and Varan's got one of the best levels of durability for a Kaiju made in the '50s, as no conventional weapon was able to penetrate that Varanopode's tough—ass hide.
Tabashi: According to Wikizilla and Gojipedia (official Wikis on Godzilla, Gamera, King Kong, and other Kaiju), Varan's durability comes not from his skin's thickness, but rather it's flexibility. This allows Varan to withstand hits from projectiles and explosives.
Angel: And as we said earlier, Varan sucker—punched one of King Ghidorah's heads. The 1st generation King Ghidorah (in his early years) apparently shook Venus, which turned out to be about a Magnitude 11.2 earthquake. That's a power output of 883—935 Gigatons of TNT! But since King Ghidorah was defeated by 9 Kaiju (counting Varan, Baragon, and Manda, but not counting Minilla), then do we MULTIPLY that power output by 9, or DIVIDE it?
Tabashi: Um... I'm not sure, actually. But for now, let's just do both. By dividing it, we get 98.1—104 Gigatons of TNT, still an impressive power output. But by multiplying, we get 8—8.4 Teratons of TNT! That is impressive!
Angel: Indeed it is, for a Kaiju that doesn't have any ranged attacks.
Tabashi: Which leads us to Varan's weaknesses. In terms of exploitable ones, Varan is actually pretty clean. However, there is one spot on his body that might be more vulnerable than the rest: his stomach. See, whenn a bunch of thoe experimental bombs we mentioned earlier exploded underneath Varan, he was visibly stunned. However, he quickly got back up showing no ill effects, so it's going to take a lot more than a few explosions to the gut in order to hurt Varan!
Angel: However, the inside of Varan's body is a whole other story, because when he swallowed those bombs, and they exploded inside him, he was dead!
Tabashi: Also, Varan (in any media you're looking at) may be more than capable of fighting one—on—one, but if he's going up against a King Ghidorah—level opponent, Varan's going to need some help!
Angel: But even so, don't anger the Unbelievable Baradagi if you value your life!
Death Battle![]
Tabashi: All righty then. The combatants are set, and we've run the data through all possibilities, so let's end this debate once and for all.
Angel: It's time for a Death Battle!
Pre—Fight[]
Wester Island, Mu Continent
Three people were walking through some woods. It's the Teen, Deadpool, and The Mask, and they're searching for the Devil's Whistle. The trio continue walking, until the Teen spots something in the distance. It was a large pile of crumbled rocks, standing 25 feet high and over 150 feet in diameter. And up on the top rested the one and only Devil's Whistle.
Teen: AHA! I think I found it! Come on, guys, this could be it!
Upon saying that, the Teen took off towards the rubble pile. Deadpool and The Mask followed close behind, wondering how an ordinary human could've seen a pile hundreds of meters away. The Teen scrambled up the rubble, and upon reaching the top, gave an excited yell. Deadpool and The Mask looked at each other, and climbed up the rock-slide rubble to where the Teen was, surrounding the Devil's Whistle.
The Mask: Ooh, it's pretty!
Deadpool: Pretty!? It looks like a stone version of a Hawaiian Tiki Torch!
The Teen ignored them both, recalling what would happen when they take the statue. Good thing I have a backup plan, he thought.
Teen: Now, once we take this thing, Jiger's gonna be coming up from the ground, so we gotta run like hell, got it?
Deadpool: Understo—
The Mask: OOOH, IT'S JUST TOO SHINY!
With that, The Mask swiped the Devil's Whistle out of its spot. The Teen and Deadpool stared at The Mask, terrified looks on their faces.
The Mask: What? It was shiny!
Two seconds later, the ground started to rumble. The trio struggled to maintain their footing, but they couldn't as Jiger suddenly EXPLODED out of the ground! The trio tumbled down the rubble pile, landing with no injuries.
Teen: Mask, when we get out of this, I'm going to kill you!
The Mask: Hey, I can't help it if it's shiny! Shiny things are irresistible to me!
Jiger, upon emerging from the ground, could still hear the low—frequency waves given off by the Devil's Whistle. And she wanted it GONE. Jiger looked around, and spotted the trio holding the Devil's Whistle. Jiger then roars, causing them al to look up.
Deadpool: Uh, guys? I think she wants the statue back!
The trio then began running full speed, with Jiger in hot pursuit. She chased them through forests, across a lake, and to the edge of a cliff side. The trio got in a speedboat and sped away, but Jiger then jumped into the water, consumed some of it, and took flight all the way to a small Japanese village.
Japanese Village
The Teen, Deadpool, and The Mask raced through the village, telling everyone to evacuate. Most of the villagers listened, but when some didn't, The Mask blitzed around the village, collecting everyone and setting them down near the woods.
Teen: Everyone, get out of here! Jiger's coming!
The villagers ran in one direction, and the trio dashed off in the other. Jiger followed behind, caring about nothing except destroying the Devil's Whistle. Jiger then plowed through the villlage, crushing buildings and leaving nothing behind except piles of rubble.
Bottom of the Lake
All of the noise was disturbing something from its slumber. It got mad, and decided to investigate and kill whatever was creating the disturbance.
Cliff Side
The trio eventually became cornered at the edge of another cliff side, the bottom marked with the lake next to the village. It seemed that they were done for.
Deadpool: Killed by an overgrown Warthog! That is NOT what I want to have written on my tombstone!
Teen: (After glaring at The Mask for a split second) You're lucky I planned for this, Mask!
The Teen then shouted a name, or rather, an ALIAS, of a Kaiju that could be able to defeat Jiger.
Teen: BARADAGI, HELP US!!!!
As if on Que, something suddenly blasted out of the lake. The whatever—it—was glided over Jiger, moving too fast to see (but the Teen knew what it was). The Kaiju landed behind Jiger, creating a bit of a dust wave. When the creature stood up, it towered over the Parasitic Warthog. The figure was revealed to be none other than Varan, the Unbelievable.
Varan roared at Jiger, telling her to leave, for this was his territory. Jiger just looked at him curiously, unsure of what the new creature meant. She did, however, know that he looked like the perfect host/parent for her child. Jiger finally roared back, and the trio backed away.
Varan charged Jiger, preparing to swipe her with his claws. However, Jiger fires a few Solid Saliva Missiles to keep Varan away. Baradagi swiftly ducks and weaves around all the projectiles except for one, which grazes his neck. However, to Jiger's surprise, the SSM bounces off harmlessly. Varan then charges once more, ready for melee combat, to which Jiger responds by using her Magnetic Suckers to bring a boulder into each hand.
The two spiked giants clash, with Jiger actually getting the first hit in by smashing Varan's head with one of the boulders. However, Varan doesn't seem to notice, and swipes at Jiger with his claws. The claws dig into Jiger's flesh, causing the Parasitic Warthog to roar out in pain, and she retaliates by shooting a Solid Saliva Missile into Varan's stomach. Varan grimaces in minor pain, but quickly shakes it off.
Varan winds up a mighty sucker—punch, but at the last second, Jiger uses her Magnetic Suckers to slow down the momentum to the point where she could grab Varan's hand. The two Titans then get into a muscle struggle, seemingly evenly matched. That is, until Jiger uses Varan's momentum against him and allows him to overpower her. Varan, too surprised to react, could do nothing as he sailed over Jiger and over the edge of the cliff. Well, almost nothing, for Varan grabbed Jiger's tail (just before the Parasitic Stinger) at the last second, pulling her down with him. The two plummeted into a river leading to the ocean, and didn't come back up.
Deadpool: So... is that it? Is it already over?
Teen: Hell no it isn't! This is only the end of round one!
The Teen was right, of course, for both Jiger and Varan erupted out of the tributary, their flight fuel full. The two spiked Titans went at it again, flying around each other and colliding occasionally. The Teen knew where this was going, and signaled to The Mask.
Teen: Mask, evacuate all of Haneda Airport and Expo 70!
Mask: On it!
The Mask blitzed away, and Deadpool and the Teen got into their speedboat again, roaring off towards the ongoing fight.
The Ocean
Meanwhile, Jiger and Varan were still in fight—'n—flight, trying to knock one another out of the sky. Varan swooped underneath Jiger, aiming his back spikes at her midsection. However, Jiger anticipated this, and moved out of the way just before the spikes sliced her. Varan immediately turned a swift 180, but Jiger shot some more Solid Saliva Missiles, forcing the Unbelievable to slow down in order to evade the projectiles. Jiger took full advantage of this, and rammed herself into Varan, sending him careening towards Haneda Airport.
Haneda Airport, Japan
Varan crashed into the airport, splitting planes in half and cracking up the concrete. Varan then slammed into one of the watchtowers, causing it to crumble on top of him. Varan then was buried, but fortunately for him, he was hidden from sight, so Jiger didn't see him. Jiger looked around curiously, wondering where her host—to—be went. Jiger decided to check Expo 70, and proceeded to rampage through it, destroying equipment and killing personnel.
Meanwhile, the Teen and Deadpool were just docking their boat when The mask showed up.
Teen: Well? is everybody evacuated?
The Mask: I got everyone out of the airport, but the people at the Expo didn't leave. I tried to get them out, but they have an "Anti—Mask Forcefield" protecting the Expo.
Deadpool: Remind me to get one of those when we go through the Expo.
The Teen: Okay, it's okay. We just need to lead Varan to Jiger, and we'll be fine. (After staring at the crumbled watchtower for a hot minute) Get to that rubble pile! Varan's gotta be under there!
The trio then ran over to the rubble pile, and The Mask pulled a grenade launcher out of his pocket.
The Mask: Okay, stand back, everyone! This is gonna get—
The Mask aims the grenade launcher at the spot where Varan's head should be.
The Mask: —sssssssssssssssmokin'!
The Mask then fires the grenade launcher, and it turns out that Varan's head was indeed where The Mask had aimed, for the grenade slammed square into the rubble where his face was. The rubble was promptly incinerated, revealing Varan's face... but he wasn't moving.
Teen: WELL THAT"S JUST GREAT! YOU KILLED HIM! WE"RE NOT SUPPOSED TO INTERFERE IN THESE FIGHTS TO BEGIN WITH! NOW THE WRITER'S GOING TO ERASE US FROM EXIS—
Varan suddenly opened his eyes, and got up, shaking the rubble off himself. Varan then looked towards the sounds of Jiger destroying Expo 70, and growled.
Teen: HA HA! IT WORKED! IT WORKED! I KNEW IT WOULD WORK! I NEVER DOUBTED YOU FOR A SECOND, MASK!
Varan then turned his head to stare at the three that had brought him back from unconsciousness. Varan glared at the Teen, and let out a loud roar.
Teen: (With a terrified expression on is face) Oh shit, it worked. RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
The group then starts running towards Expo 70, with Varan just a dozen feet behind. They were running faster than they had been when Jiger chased them earlier, but it still didn't matter. But when they got to the Expo site, there was nowhere to hide. It seemed as though they were done for yet again.
Deadpool: We're getting too old for this!
But out of nowhere, four Solid Saliva Missiles suddenly landed, and then an orange—ish circle enveloped the trio and Varan. The beam was Jiger's Magnetium Ray, of course, and she wanted this fight to be over. Jiger knew the Magnetium Ray wouldn't kill Varan, so she began to amble towards Baradagi. When the Magnetium Ray's effects wore off, she charged him. Varan sucker—punched Jiger in the face, causing her to reel back a little bit, but Jiger had a plan.
Jiger shot dozens of Solid Saliva Missiles at Varan, and while the Unbelievable managed to avoid some, a few stabbed through his stomach, creating a gaping hole. Varan shrieked in pain, and charged the Parasitic Warthog, swiping madly with his claws. Jiger's back, neck, and front right leg were sliced, causing Jiger to lose her balance. Varan took full advantage of this, knocking Jiger onto her back and swiping at her stomach. The sharp claws sliced through Jiger's flesh, and she began bleeding profusely.
Jiger had lost. She finally laid her head down, succumbing to her wounds. Varan then got on top of Jiger's corpse, and roared triumphantly, declaring himself the w—
STAB!
Varan stopped mid—roar, and looked down. Jiger was not, in fact, dead. She was just pretending to be, and she had used this to her advantage, letting Varan get in close so she could infect him with her Parasitic Stinger through the hole in his stomach. And her stinger was still inside him! Varan quickly took out the stinger and stabbed Jiger's stomach with it, but it was too late, for the Baby Jiger was already inside. Varan then started walking towards the ocean like a drunk hobo, before falling down to the ground, his face and hands a deathly white (almost transparent).
Double K.O.!
The Teen, Deadpool, and The Mask then went over to Varan's corpse.
Teen: Okay, let's get that baby out of there.
Results[]
Angel: WHAT!? AFTER ALL THAT FIGHTING, ALL THAT WAITING, WE GET OUR FIRST DRAW!?
Tabashi: Which also, coincidentally, makes it the first ever draw in a Godzilla vs Gamera—themed Death Battle.
Angel: BUT WHYYYYYYYYYYYY!?
Tabashi: Okay, calm down and we'll explain it.
Angel: Yeah, you're right. I mean, this was bound to happen, after all.
Tabashi: Okay, so Varan MIGHT have taken the speed advantage, but since Jiger's flight speed is unknown, we had to say that speed was equal. Flight was also equal in the fact that they both have a limited supply of water, and need to replenish it in order to fly. But strength surprisingly went to Jiger!
Angel: Yeah, Jiger may only weigh 200 metric tons, as opposed to Varan's 15,000 metric tons, but Jiger was able to compete with Gamera, who can lift 28,440 metric tons. That means that Jiger could easily lift up Varan. So Jiger had strength and Varan might have speed. Does Varan have any advantages?
Tabashi: Actually, yes. He takes durability in spades, given the whole flexible skin thing. But Jiger did have a counter to that in the form of her Solid Saliva Missiles. In fact, the JSDF's mistake in trying to fight Varan was that they used explosives, and not stabbing weapons!
Angel: You see, Varan's durability is similar to that of a balloon. If you throw a ball at it, the ball will just ricochet off it. But when you throw a KNIFE at it, the balloon pops! and Varan should be the same way. Also, with Varan's stomach being slightly more vulnerable than the rest of his body, it's not wrong to say that Jiger's Solid Saliva Missiles could penetrate it.
Tabashi: In addition to that, it's been explicitly stated that Varan's insides are not nearly as durable as the outside of his body, so Jiger's Parasitic Stinger would just end the fight very quickly. But there was just one little problem with that: Jiger didn't know that Varan's stomach was more vulnerable, so she'd have to buy some time by exploiting every point of his body, trying to find a weakness.
Angel: And that would allow Varan to rough up the Parasitic Warthog somethin' AWFUL! And it would end up killing Jiger, just not quickly enough, for Jiger would've figured out Baradagi's weak spot before he got a hit like that in. So Jiger, before she died, would definitely be able to infect Varan with her Parasitic Stinger, thus ending the battle in a draw.
Tabashi: And also, as a last note, if we low—ball both Jiger and Varan's feats, Jiger's destructive capacity is higher. I mean, Jiger's would be 151 Gigatons of TNT and Varan's would be 98.1—104 Gigatons of TNT. Hell, even when we high—ball it, Jiger's is 15.1 Teratons and Baradagi's is 8—8.4 Teratons!
Angel: Yeah, Varan's not gonna pierce Jiger's hide easily, I don't think.
Tabashi: So in conclusion, Jiger had the destructive capacity and strength, Varan had the durability and experience, and they both had the flight, stamina, intelligence, and speed!
Angel: One thing's for sure, though. When you pit a Warthog against a Flying Squirrel, the results are gonna be Unbelievable!
Tabashi: (Slaps his face and shakes his head in annoyance) This fight is a draw. And also, it's our season finale, so thanks for being loyal and following these battles, even if our first one may not've had the best reception!
Next Time, Baby![]
Angel: Well, now that it's Season 2, do we have a treat for you!
The Teen, Deadpool, and The Mask are at the site of King Ghidorah's smoking carcass, as well as Guiron's headless corpse.
Teen: (While staring at the remains of King Ghidorah) Man, it feels like that happened a year ago, doesn't it? (Winks at the camera)
Suddenly, out of the corner of his eye, the Teen thought he saw something. It looked like a chicken was fighting a bat.
Teen: Hey, Mask, can I borrow your telescope?
The Mask: Sure! (Pulls a telescope out of his pants) Here you go!
Teen: Thanks.
The Teen looks through the telescope, and his hunch was right. It was Gigan fighting Gyaos, with Gigan's eye laser and Gyaos' Super Sonic Scalpel seemingly being evenly matched.
Teen: Oh my God! Guys, there's a fight going on up there! We gotta get up there!
Deadpool: (Nervously) Uh, Teen? I think we're needed down here more!
The Teen looked in the direction Deadpool was pointing, and saw a giant Beetle fighting... well, the Teen couldn't come up with a good analogy for just what it was.
Teen: Oh boy. (Sighs heavily) This Season's gonna be a cramped one, isn't it?
Verse Prime is back with a vengeance! Don't miss it!
Trivia[]
- The connection between Jiger and Varan is that they are both ugly-looking, quadrupedal Kaiju that have spikes seemingly everywhere on their bodies.