Interlude[]
Wiz is concentrating hard on his computer.
Wiz: "Aw, damn it!"
Boomstick: "What's wrong, is it the cat again?"
Wiz: "I'm playing Marvel Rivals, a hero shooter game where Jeff the Landshark keeps beating me to death!"
Boomstick: "So he's the best option to play as?"
Wiz: Yes, no matter who else I choose, a 13 year old nerd gobbled me up and sends me flying!"
Boomstick: "Reminds me of Kiriko from Overwatch!"
Wiz: "Well, Jeff would win, let's please not discuss that."
Boomstick: "Time to settle it with a Death Battle!"
Wiz: "If you say so!" (confidently)
Jeff the Landshark[]
Wiz: "After the West Coast Avengers beat The Maters of evil, Gwen Poole discovered a shark.."
Boomstick: "And he is a LANDSHARK!"
Wiz: "And a special one after all. He started to compete in compete in physical competitions againts other super-powered beings."
Boomstick: This guy has it all!"
Wiz: "He sneaks around the battlefield, with just a fin visible and attacks whoever is in his way!"
Boomstick: "What can he do though?"
Wiz: "His specialty is healing with his "Healing bubble"healing his allies. Or if he wants to be selfish, "Oblivious Cuteness" which make him take less damage.
Boomstick: "Speaking of damage, Jeff has a solid 250 HP."
Wiz: He can be discreet with "Hide and Seek" allowing him to get by with only one fin showing making him almost invincible to enemies that overlook him."
Boomstick: "Just like I CAN'T get by without my can of beer!"
Wiz: "Isn't that your third one?"
Boomstick: "I lost count."
Wiz: "Anyway, his main attack is "Aqua Burst" dealing 40 damage per round."
Boomstick: “Speaking of rounds…
(Boomsick starts drinking beer)
(Wiz slaps his face)
Wiz: “Anyway, he has more healing related abilities than tankiness.
Boomstick: “Which isn’t really a bad thing, it just makes him have to play catch-up.
Wiz: “We cannot neglect to mention, his ultimate move: “It’s Jeff!” A unstoppable move swallowing 4 players, (enemy or not) into his mouth for a snack!”
Boomstick: “Yeah, this thing really is unstoppable. Jeff fighter crime on the West Coast Avengers and with his powers was actually pretty good.
Wiz: “But Jeff’s one of his biggest strength is in his looks.”
Boomstick: “Yeah! He is so so absolutely adorable! Look at that face! Isn’t he so huggable? Just looking at him makes me want to cry!
Wiz: “He might bite you.”
Boomstick:”AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhh!”
Wiz: “Just take some of this Boomstick.”
(Hands him beer and Boomstick pops back up.)]
Boomstick: “I’m Okay!”
Wiz: Mhhhm. Right, so considering his abnormal abilities his background, and his allies, Jeff sure is a force to be reckoned with.
Boomstick: “Let’s see what he has against the resourceful kunoicho, Kiriko
Kiriko[]
Wiz:
"Kiriko Kamori, a swift and resourceful kunoichi, was born into the bustling city of Kanezaka, Japan. She grew up surrounded by a unique blend of tradition and modernity. Her mother, a strict practitioner of the ancient ways, trained Kiriko in the art of ninjutsu, instilling discipline and a deep respect for her heritage."
Boomstick:
"And her grandma taught her something even cooler—spirit magic! Kiriko learned how to channel her spiritual energy to heal wounds and call on her trusty fox spirit for guidance. Basically, she's a ninja priest with a magical sidekick!"
Wiz:
"But her life wasn’t all training and tradition. After the Shimada clan rose to power and brought chaos to Kanezaka, Kiriko’s family was torn apart. Her father vanished under mysterious circumstances, leaving Kiriko to fend for herself and protect her hometown from the clan’s control."
Boomstick:
"Yeah, but Kiriko wasn’t gonna let some bullies with swords keep her down. She’s the kind of hero who’ll take on a bunch of bad guys, sneak into their base, and come out with a victory and some sick kunai tricks!"
Wiz:
"Combining her mother's discipline, her grandmother's spiritual teachings, and her own resourcefulness, Kiriko became a protector of Kanezaka, balancing her ninja skills with a supernatural edge. And she’s not afraid to get her hands dirty when it comes to defending her people."
Wiz:
"Kiriko's abilities are a seamless fusion of traditional ninjutsu techniques and spiritual magic, making her a versatile and deadly combatant. Her primary weapon is the kunai—razor-sharp throwing blades that she hurls with pinpoint accuracy. These aren't just for show; a well-placed kunai can take down enemies in the blink of an eye."
Boomstick:
"And when things get rough, she whips out her Healing Ofuda—these little paper talismans float through the air like a bunch of magic Band-Aids, patching up her allies in no time. It’s like having a mystical nurse in the middle of a brawl!"
Wiz:
"Her Swift Step ability allows her to teleport directly to an ally, no matter where they are. This gives her incredible mobility and makes her a hard target to pin down. Combine that with her passive wall climb, and Kiriko can traverse the battlefield with ease running at 12 MPH."
Boomstick:
"Don’t forget the Protection Suzu! She tosses this little bell thing, and—ding!—everyone in its radius gets cleansed of negative effects and becomes temporarily invincible. It's like a magic 'Nope!' button."
Wiz:
"Kiriko’s ultimate ability, Kitsune Rush, summons her fox spirit to lead the charge. The spirit creates a spectral path that massively boosts the movement and attack speed of anyone following it. It’s perfect for turning the tide of battle in an instant."
Boomstick:
"So she’s got ninja skills, magical healing, teleportation, invincibility, and a freakin’ speed-boosting fox. She’s like the ultimate team player...or, y’know, your worst nightmare if you’re on the other side."
Wiz:
"Kiriko’s versatility makes her a force to be reckoned with. She can adapt to almost any situation, whether it's supporting her allies or taking down foes with precise strikes."
Boomstick: "Let's see if she can take down a shark who's probobly more bite than brains!
Intermission[]
Wiz: "The combatants are set. We have run the data through all possibilities."
Boomstick: "It's time for a Death Baaaaatle!!"
Death Battle[]
The moonlight bathed the ancient Japanese temple in an eerie glow as Kiriko, the agile kunoichi, stood poised in the middle of the crumbled courtyard. Her sharp eyes scanned the battlefield, alert for any movement. On the other side of the arena, Jeff the Land Shark waddled forward, his small size and toothy grin belying the danger he posed. His playful demeanor seemed out of place, but anyone who underestimated him was in for a rude awakening.
Without warning, Kiriko struck first. She hurled a series of kunai with deadly precision, each one aimed at Jeff’s head. Reacting immediately, Jeff activated his Hide and Seek ability. His body plunged into the earth, with only his dorsal fin visible above the surface, granting him a burst of movement speed and making him nearly impossible to track. The kunai passed harmlessly through the air, their target nowhere in sight.
Kiriko’s eyes narrowed, focusing on the ground beneath her. She knew he was waiting for the right moment to strike. Her instincts were sharp, and she quickly switched tactics. With a swift motion, she dropped a Protection Suzu to shield herself from any incoming attack. She teleported behind Jeff using Swift Step, trying to catch him off-guard. But Jeff had anticipated her move. As she reappeared, he shot from underground, his maw wide open, and he lunged straight at her.
Kiriko barely dodged, but she could feel the rush of air as Jeff’s jaws snapped shut just inches from her. Her Protection Suzu had done its job, but she didn’t have much time to recover before Jeff struck again. He spat out a Healing Bubblenear himself, and as the glowing orb hovered, it began to mend his wounds, preparing him for the next stage of the battle. Kiriko cursed under her breath, knowing she had to destroy that bubble before it healed him too much.
The battle continued to rage as Kiriko summoned her Kitsune Rush, summoning the spirit of a fox to enhance her speed. Her movements became a blur of quick strikes and agile evasions as she hurled more kunai. Several hit Jeff, each cut making him grunt in pain. Yet, his Oblivious Cuteness passive allowed him to shrug off some of the damage, diminishing the effectiveness of Kiriko's strikes.
Jeff’s healing, however, was not enough to keep him at full strength for long. He dived underground once more, using Hide and Seek to evade further damage. This time, he was moving with greater precision, emerging directly beneath Kiriko and surprising her with a deadly bite. The force of his attack sent her sprawling, and in that moment, he swallowed her whole.
Kiriko struggled desperately within the confines of Jeff’s belly, her kunai slashing against the walls in a frantic attempt to escape. But it was no use. Jeff, undeterred, sprinted toward the edge of the temple’s grounds. With a tremendous force, he ejected her into the air, sending her flying off the map. Kiriko barely managed to use Swift Step at the last second, teleporting back onto solid ground. She took a moment to catch her breath, trying to regroup.
Her resolve was strong, but she knew time was running out. She threw another set of kunai toward Jeff, but he dodged them effortlessly, using his small size and agility to his advantage. Moving quickly, Jeff landed a powerful bite to her arm. Kiriko screamed, attempting to teleport once again, but Jeff’s relentless assault continued, pinning her down.
With a final surge of strength, Jeff slammed Kiriko to the ground, his jaws biting deep into her torso. The damage was too much for her to recover from. Her body went limp, her kunai falling from her hand as Jeff’s crushing bite ended her life.
The moonlight illuminated the battlefield once more as Jeff released his grip. His playful appearance belied the sheer devastation he had just unleashed. With a satisfied wag of his tail, Jeff waddled off the field, victorious.
Conclusion[]
Boomstick: "Wha-wha what!?
Wiz: So Kiriko may have had Jeff outmatched offensively, Jeff had much better healing and slightly superior speed. So it was only a matter of time before Jeff got her with "It's Jeff".
Boomstick: "Looks like you were right..."
Wiz: "The winner is Jeff the Landshark."