James Bond vs. Joanna Dark is a What-If? Battle featuring James Bond from the "007" series and Joanna Dark from the Perfect Dark series.
Description[]
These two masters of marksmanship have proven you can be male or female to be the top of your expertise. Especially when it's kicking some serious butt. James vs. Joanna. Will "007" accomplish his mission and take out Dark, or will Joanna gun down the famous MI6 agent?
Interlude[]
(Cue "Invader")
Boomstick: Everyone at some point in their life has had the dream of being a secret agent...
Wiz: Of one day managing to be as legendary as these two marksmen.
Boomstick: Or just trying not to end up staring into their gun barrels, without crapping your pants.
Wiz: James Bond, the world renown sharpshooter of MI6...
Boomstick: And Joanna Dark, the stealthy, sexy assassin from The Carrington Institute...he's Wiz and I'm Boomstick!
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a DEATH BATTLE!
James Bond[]
Wiz: Deep in the heart of England, dwells an organization that has provided intelligence regarding foreign policies for the British government for over one hundred years. That's organization's name is the "Secret Intelligence Service".
Boomstick: More commonly known as "MI6".
Wiz: "MI6", or "Military Intelligence: Section 6", was founded in 1909, preceding the now known Secret Service Bureau.
Boomstick: Their job was simple, find out anybody who was up to some sleazy shit, and then send in their experienced secret agents to blow their schemes sky high.
Wiz: And MI6's top agent, the one called upon in the most dire situations, is their Senoir Operational Officer of the "00" branch.
Boomstick: And his name is Bond...James Bond.
(Bond lowers his head in front of a troop in the restroom)
Bond: "Beg your pardon! Forgot to knock!" (Punches the troop in the face, knocking him out)
Wiz: Bond is the seventh agent in the Double "O" branch, hence the name "007".
Boomstick: Well geez, who wouldn't know that?
Wiz: ...You didn't. That's why you asked me.
Boomstick: ...Thanks a lot Wiz. Nobody will let me live that down.
Wiz: James' life was filled with tragedy, at just the young age of eleven, he lost both his mother and father who were killed in an accident in the French Alps.
Boomstick: Damn! Poor little guy...
Wiz: But, young James eventually lived with his aunt so he could live out his childhood, including attending Fettes College in Scotland, and losing his virginity at the ripe old age...of sixteen.
Boomstick: Screw what I said, I wanna have his life.
Wiz: And thus the legend of "Ladies Man" James Bond was born.
Boomstick: Since joining MI6, Bond has become a master of his craft.
---
BIO:
Full Name: James Harbert Bond
Age: 43
Height: 6'
Weight: 175 lbs.
Experience: 20+ years
: Can speak five different languages
: Expert in over 100 different firearms
---
Wiz: Bond's experience has come in handy several times in his career, dealing with many adversaries from many countries, Bond has learned many different languages as well as many different foreign weaponry. His trademark handgun is the "Walther PPK", which is actually a German pistol, despite Bond's English heritage.
Boomstick: But when James wants something with a bit more fire power than a dinky little 9mm water gun, he's been known to whip out the big guns...and I'm not talking about his sex life.
Wiz: Bond has also become known to use weapons such as assault rifles, silencers, and rocket or grenade launchers.
Boomstick: If you've seen it, he's probably used it. (Shows Bond fire a rocket in a nearby helicopter) Ahh...beautiful.
Wiz: Bond also has many gadgets at his disposal, many of which within the very watch that he wears.
Boomstick: He can use it as a magnetization device, a laser, and even a remote detonator for mines. Ha! Suck on that ROLEX! But Bond's most powerful weapon is The Golden Gun.
Wiz: The Golden Gun is a powerful hand gun that fires 23 karat gold bullets that are lethal with a single shot.
Boomstick: That's right, hit in the leg...dead. Hit in the foot...crooked. Hit on the pinky...dirtnap.
Wiz: Bond whenever possible, has also had several agents help along side him. Most being female, as you might expect.
Boomstick: Yeah, it's pretty much the same way every time. Meet a pretty girl, buy her a couple of drinks, show her your personal Space Mountain, and then in about 24 hours, she's trying to kill you...Sounds like my love life.
Wiz: I'm not surprised. While Bond may not look like a person capable of surviving severe forms of assault, Bond's will is much greater than you would expect.
Boomstick: He once fought a man underwater in sub freezing temperatures, took a drill to his temple several times over, and once survived a near 300 foot fall off a bridge into a river below, and that was after surviving getting shot in the chest with a bullet made from Uranium, which is a radioactive material used to you know...DESTROY TANKS! And it remained embedded in his chest for over three months. You would think this guy should be dead fifty times over.
Wiz: "007" has certainly cheated death in his career, but that doesn't escape the fact he hasn't gotten into his share of trouble. Bond's reckless abandonment has caused several people close to him to be killed in his life, and his advanced age has affected his health causing him to be captured and/or shot in his stint as a "MI6" agent, though he has made up for it in his advanced skills. Bond has over 400 confirmed kills in his career, going from highly dangerous terrorists, to Alec Trevelyan, a former "00" agent turned head of the Janus Syndicate.
Boomstick: Jesus, does this guy do ANYTHING besides drink alcohol and kill bitches?
Wiz: Well eventually, Bond did settle down and get married to Teresa Draco, only for her to be killed...surprise surprise. And does have one confirmed child.
Boomstick: Wait wait wait...you mean all those women he slept with, and he has only one kid? For being a master sharpshooter, he sure doesn't seem to have good aim with the old pistol in his pants.
Wiz: Be that as it may, when it comes to deadliest men on the planet, Bond is one of tops.
Boomstick: If you're looking down his gun barrel, you'll be shaking...not stirred.
Bond: "Some people are coming to kill us...we're gonna kill them first."
Joanna Dark[]
Wiz: In the futuristic year of 2020, a private research company began the next great steps in advanced technology and weaponry. The Carrington Institute.
Boomstick: This beautiful little paradise, soon backed by the US government, was responsible for creating Null-G technology, which would jump start the country into the 21st century. And about time too, you know how long I've been waiting for a damn flying car? Like forever!
Wiz: And to protect the Institute and country from colossal threats, founder Dan Carrington entrusts his faith in his top agent in the fleet...Joanna Dark!
(A guard walks into an "empty elevator" wondering what's going on)
Guard: "What the..."
(Guard is then punched in the side of the head and knocked out and Joanna Dark lands on the floor with pistol in hand.)
Wiz: Born in the year 2000, complications from the birth resulted in the loss of her mother soon after being born, and caused a crippling disorder to Joanna's back, confining her to wheelchair until the age of five.
Boomstick: Luckily for her, her father was a bounty hunter, and just as soon as she learned to walk, began to help her recover mentally and physically. By training her to become just like him...a complete badass.
Wiz: By the ripe old age of seven, Jack Dark had trained Joanna into becoming an expert in hand to hand combat, and highly skilled in operating small arm weapons.
Boomstick: Damn, I hadn't even learned to drink a beer yet...
Wiz: And by the time she was a teenager, she had trained on high-tech systems and worked on heavy armed weapons maintenance. But soon after, Joanna's life would never be the same.
Boomstick: Yeah, see her father was captured by the supreme weapon's agency known as dataDyne, young Joanna attempted to rescue him but when all hope seemed lost, Joanna's dad sacrificed himself to allow Joanna to escape.
Wiz: Filled with regret and realizing her skills needed much improving, she aligned with The Carrington Institute, hoping to take down the dataDyne and avenge her father's death.
---
BIO:
Full Name: Joanna Dark
Age: 23
Height: 5' 8 3/4""
Weight: 125 lbs.
Experience: 3 years
: Master in hand to hand combat & weaponry
: Expert hacker
---
Boomstick: Once enrolled, Joanna used her father's intensive training to ace every training mission in the Institute with perfect accuracy and record timing, hence acquiring her new codename..."Perfect" Dark.
Wiz: Joanna's weapon of choice is the Falcon pistol, a G-LOCK, Semi-Automatic weapon that is small in size, allowing it to be easily concealable.
Boomstick: It's downside however, is it doesn't pack a lot of punch. But it's weak damage infliction is made up in above average range, high magazine and ammo capacity, and deadly pin point accuracy. Which with Joanna's skilled accuracy, makes it a weapon to her liking. The Institute's highly advanced technology also is used in their weapons,
Wiz: Dark has access to wide variety of weapons; including lasers, bombs that cause blurry vision, and gun known as Laptop guns, which can open fire on a target upon entering a programmed proximity.
Boomstick: Damn, I'd love a gun like that. Shoot people and watch porn at the same time...
Wiz: Boomstick, that's not what it means by "Laptop Gun"
Boomstick: Ahh...damn it...
Wiz: Carrington's high tech gadgets are also very helpful in Joanna's missions when needed.
Boomstick: Joanna's gadgets compile to everything from Night Vision googles, X-Ray scanners, CamSpys, advanced combat shielding, and even a cloaking device. Jeez, can you imagine what I could have gotten out of with all that?
Wiz: Well, it turns out that the Institute was even more than Joanna ever realized. See the Carrington Institute was actually aligned with an extra-terrestrial race known as the Maians, to try and stop another group of reptilian aliens called the Skedar, who aligned with dataDyne to test massively destructive weapons on Earth before using them on the Maian home world.
(*Cricket Sounds*)
Boomstick: ...Wait a minute. You're telling me that by 2020, we're not only going to admit to extra-terrestrial life, but ally with aliens to stop Earth from being destroyed by more aliens in galactic warfare? I knew Trump had enemies, but this is seven layers of Batshit insane!
Wiz: But thanks to her fellow Maian allies, Joanna and the Institute were capable of accessing and using advanced Maian weaponry. Her advanced skills allowed Joanna to learn Maian weapons like the Phoenix Blaster, the powerful Callisto NTG, and the most powerful weapon in the Maian arsenal, the "Farsight XR-20", a rifle with a built in heat signature that can detect targets from extreme distances and fires energy pulses so powerful, they can penetrate through walls and all matter to kill a target with a single shot. Joanna was able to use all this technology to stop and destroy the Skedar by blowing their plans sky high...along with their planet.
Boomstick: Joanna was able to accomplish the near impossible mission thanks to her extraordinary feats and skills. She once completed a mission after being shot, and wounded to the point of infection, skilled enough to fly alien spacecrafts and use vastly superior alien weapons, and once survived a chamber full of nerve gas for nearly two minutes before escaping.
Wiz: But this doesn't mean she is invincible, despite having advanced gadgets like cloaking and shielding, they will ware off or exhaust if under enough firepower, and her style has caused her to be captured numerous times while on missions in the past. Plus despite being under constant intense training, she is still young and inexperienced compared to most.
Boomstick: If this sexy fox is wondering around your neighborhood, beware...for she has looks that can kill. Along with a pistol that can too.
Joanna: "Sorry, gotta run!"
(Joanna shoots two guards before jumping into a helicopter flying away to escape)
DEATH BATTLE![]
(Cue "Invader")
Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set, it's time to end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLE!!!!!!!!!
---
A shot of MI6 is shown in the heart of London, inside a shot of "007" staring out the giant glass window to the city, drinking a Vodka Martini. When he gets a voice insight.
"M": Bond, report. Where are you?
Bond: Busy at the moment...
"M": Drinking on the job does not qualify to being "busy" "007".
Bond: Let's agree to disagree...East Wing - Top Floor. Loving view this time of day.
"M": What the hell?
Bond: What's wrong "M"?
"M": We just received an unauthorized accessor to our security systems. Could be a hack job.
Bond: Location?
"M": Inside the building, East Wing, Basement level.
Bond: ...On it!
Bond puts his martini on the table next to him and heads off, loads up his PPK and walks off with the pistol in hand.
XXX
Down in the basement level, two security guards are knocked out as a young red head is decrypting access into the top secret MI6 database.
(98%...99%...100%)
(Decryption Complete)
Dark: I'm impressed MI6. That took me over a minute to get into, but... (Pulls out access chip) Nothing I can't handle. Time to ditch.
Dark turns around looking at a PPK a foot from her forehead. With "007" staring a hole into her.
Bond: I believe you have something that doesn't belong to you.
Dark: Well...they say pocession is nine-tenths of the law.
Bond: That other tenth will get you shot right now...
Dark: Alright, alright...you're no fun. (She pulls out the chip with all MI6 data on it...and then tosses it in the air.) Catch!
FIGHT!
Joanna uses the distraction to give Bond two kicks to the chest drawing him back and dropping his pistol. Dark grabs the falling data chip in her left hand and has her Falcon pistol drawn in her right. She fires three shots, but Bond is able to barely jumps behind a barrier for cover.
Dark: Impossible...I never miss.
Bond stays behind the barrier, seeing his PPK is on the other side of the room, with no chance to retrieve without fire drawn. He gathers an idea.
Dark: Come out from hiding old man...don't make this harder than it has to.
Bond then emerges slowly, hands up and unarmed.
Dark: That's what I thought...
Bond: Actually dear, I have other plans. (Bond turns his wrist and uses his high powered Magnetic Watch Magnet, the power of the magnet pulls Joanna's pistol from her hands and it flies into Bond's grasp. He observes the weapon.) Impressive...
Dark: If you think that's impressive, you haven't seen anything yet.
Dark then activates a button and it triggers two hidden laptop guns behind her on each side of the room, she runs like hell to avoid being detected in their proxy, Bond can't escape completely as he gets shot in the leg once, Bond uses the pistol taken from Joanna to shoot down one of the guns before running out of ammo in that gun, Bond then uses watch magnet to grab his original PPK on the other side of the room and grabs it to then shoot down the second laptop down. Bond comes out with blood seeping in his right leg, showing a sight limp.
"M": Bond report...what the hell's going on down there?
Bond: Whoever she is...she's good.
Just then Bond is jumped from behind as Dark tries to choke Bond out and drop his pistol.
Bond: I'm not use to women getting this physical.
Dark: I'm not like other women.
Bond is able to sling her over his head to get out of the choke, and is able to shoot her in the arm as Dark retreats behind a set of crates for cover.
Bond: It's over. You've lost.
Bond heads over to the crates where Joanna is to take her down, but is confused to when he approaches, there is no one in sight.
Bond: What the hell?
Dark: Peek a boo... (As she begins to de-cloak behind "007") I see you.
Joanna kicks Bond in the back careening him into the wall and Dark then uses her superior hand to hand combat skills to deliver continuous body blows to "007". Dark then attempts to unarm Bond of his pistol, but Bond begins to fire all the rounds from the pistol on the ground. Dark then disarms Bond and locks the gun with Bond in the corner, but when Dark pulls the trigger, all that happens is the click of an empty chamber. Bond then reaches in his pocket to pull out a PP7 Silencer as Joanna looks on.
Bond: Any experienced agent would know how many bullets is in a loaded Walther PPK. You're good child, but you still got a lot to learn. Now drop the gun...
Dark drops the gun, but smiles. She then presses a button and cloaks again in front of Bond. "007" then starts rapid firing in random directions hoping for a hit, but to no avail. Then a photon of pulse blasts are fired as Bond takes one in the arm and then rolls for cover out of harm's way. Bond covers behind a wall firing blind shots hoping for a connect, but nothing.
"M": Bond, any insight on our visitor?
Bond: High tech weapons, and cloaking device.
"M": No fleet intelligence is authorized to use such on allied intelligence.
Bond: Remind me to file a complaint...
Meanwhile on the other side of the room...
Carrington: Joanna...this isn't what I meant by "Seek out MI6 intelligence."
Dark: Every one thing they'd say, there'd be ten things they wouldn't. Chip is still in my procession. When I take out this old man, it's home free.
Dark fires more blasts with her Phoenix Gun, to keep Bond at bay. Bond pulls out a remote mine and fires it out in the open and detonates it. Dark begins to run off, but Bond sees the trail of smoke moving showing her traces. Bond then fires getting Dark twice in the left arm and more importantly shorting out the cloak.
Dark: I didn't want to have to use these, but you leave no choice.
Dark pulls out the powerful Farsight XR-20 and engages her combat shielding.
Bond: Quite the chess match dear. I'm impressed.
Bond then begins to load his most powerful weapon, the Golden Gun.
Dark: Chess? You may think you're a king, but there's one problem. The king is completely inferior to the queen.
Dark fires her Farsight and the pulse goes through the wall Bond is covering behind and drills him in the arm and Bond falls face first to the ground, unmoving on the ground. Dark walks up to him on the ground.
Dark: When the king falls...game over.
Joanna stands over Bond, but suddenly...Bond looks up and fires his Golden Gun and the golden bullet wipes out all of Dark's shielding and nails Dark in the chest. Blood is pouring out at a rapid pace...
Dark: (Coughs) Im...possible!
Dark falls to the floor in a pool blood.
Bond slowly struggles to his feet and barely makes his way to Joanna's unmoving body and grabs the data chip with all the MI6 intelligence on it. Bond is severely wounded, but still alive.
Bond: Check mate...
Bond then turns around and leaves with the chip.
K.O.!
Conclusion[]
(Screen shows Bond finishing his Vodka Martini, while Dark has a bloody red screen with a "Press Start" emblem appearing)
Boomstick: Huh? How!?
Wiz: While Joanna may have had the advantage in youth, close quarters combat, as well as more advanced technology and weapons, but Bond's far superior experience allowed him to hold off and adapt from all of Joanna's advantages. His twenty plus years in MI6 means that Bond has been a fleet agent, for as long Joanna has been alive.
Boomstick: Yeah, even if you include the training Joanna learned from her father at the age of seven, the "00" agent still has the experience edge. Bond's traditional Walther PPK was also the more powerful handgun to Dark's standard Falcon pistol, giving him the advantage in stock firearms. "But Wiz and Boomstick, how did Bond survive the shot from the Farsight, that blast is lethal with one hit?
Wiz: Yes, it is true that the Farsight has proven lethal with a single shot...for a normal man...but "007" has proven that he is no ordinary man. His greatest strength is his sure will to live.
Boomstick: The fact that Bond has been shot, shocked, drilled, beaten, tortured, poisoned, drowned, fallen off buildings, bridges, and god knows more shit. A believed"fatal" blow is far from that when it comes to Bond.
Wiz: Bond has been confirmed to have been shot on more than 4,500 occasions, including being shot with a bullet made from Uranium, a radioactive material that remained embedded in Bond's chest for months.
Boomstick: That's the equivalent of having extreme chemotherapy, non-stop, every day for months. And not only did Bond not die, but showed no signs of ill effect.
Wiz: And Bond was shot with that bullet before being shot with a sniper bullet to the chest and falling over three hundred feet to a raging river below, all should have been fatal...expect for "007".
Boomstick: Joanna may have had advanced combat shielding, but Bond's Golden Gun has proven to be fatal with one shot regardless of any form of protection.
Wiz: And while extremely skilled, unlike Bond, Joanna has never shown to have anywhere near the absurd survivability of Bond. Meaning that being shot with a fatal bullet, would have definitely proven fatal.
Boomstick: I guess you can say Joanna, was shot down in her prime...
Wiz: The winner...is James Bond!
