| Jack Horner (Puss in Boots) vs Jack Horner (Fables) | |
|---|---|
| |
| Season , Episode | |
Vital statistics
| |
| Air date | January 5, 2024 |
| Written by | VladonskaMerwina |
| Directed by | |
Episode guide
| |
| Previous | Next |
Jack Horner (Puss in Boots) vs Jack Horner (Fables) is a What If? episode of Death Battle featuring Jack Horner (Puss in Boots) from Puss in Boots: The Last Wish and Jack Horner (Fables) from Fables.
Description[]
Wiz: Jack Horner from Fables
Boomstick: And... another Jack Horner! From the Shrek Universe!
Wiz: Today we'll be pitting two fairy tale and nursery rhyme-inspired characters with the same name in a battle to the death!
Boomstick: To decide who deserves to be named Jack Horner! Kind of like JoshFight... but bloodier!
Jack Horner (Puss in Boots)[]
Wiz: Imagine being born to loving parents and a loving home. Being loved and cared for... only for people to get tired of you and move on to the next cute thing.
Boomstick: This jealousy would really fuck up a kid. Making him grow to become the biggest gangster in the Shrek Universe. And his name is Jack Horner!
(Cue Jack Horner theme)
Wiz: Enraged, Jack Horner then decides to collect all the magical items in his world, in order to make himself powerful. And throughout the years, he gathered many dangerous tools. Such as the hand of midas, which can turn people to gold. Or a crossbow that fires... fucking baby unicorn horns, which can turn targets into exploding confettis. He also has a phoenix that can burn forests, a magical crystal ball that can tell him where his opponents are, exploding apples, excalibur, and a snack from Alice In Wonderland that can turn him into a near invincible giant!
Boomstick: Besides his tools, he is also very very strong. Capable of going toe-to-toe with a frigging two grizzly bears! He is also very durable and can survive hits, claws, and sabers. Little Jack is no more. Now he's Big Jack!
Wiz: Big Jack is aided in his quest by an army of assassins dressed as pastry chefs known as the Baker's Dozen. They are armed to the teeth with guns, weaponized rolling pins, and even a tank. In battle, Big Jack is an expert tactician, able to coordinate his troops on the field. He is also a cunning gangster who likes to dupe and trick his enemies. He once tricked a greedy mercenary into holding the hand of Midas, turning her into gold.
Boomstick: But while Big Jack is a powerful and smart crime lord, he is an irredeemable villain who enjoys violence and sometimes has no control of himself. He has no problems killing his own men to win battles.
Wiz: Rest assured, however, that Big Jack is no one to be messed with.
Jack Horner (Puss in Boots): "Little" Jack Horner didn't have any magic. He was a pathetic buttered baker's boy. "Little" Jack is dead... I'm "BIG" Jack Horner!
Jack Horner[]
Boomstick: In the world of Fables, characters from fairy tales, nursery rhymes, folklore, and basically any kind of public domain fiction, are transported into the real world, as their world was conquered by an unknown enemy known as The Adversary. Jack Horner is one of those fables.
(Cue The Wolf Among Us theme)
Wiz: Jack Horner is the protagonist of almost every story that has a protagonist named Jack, such as Jack and the Beanstalk, Jack the Giant Slayer, Little Jack Horner, Jack and Jill, Jack Frost, Jack O'Lantern, and so much more. Like in many of his stories, he is a trickster and a conman. His repertoire include tricking devils and gods.
Boomstick: In battle, Jack is armed with guns, swords, fists, and anything else really. He even defeated a knight using only a mop. His magical items include a bottomless briefcase, magical tommy guns, and even a magical sack that can trap powerful beings including the Grim Reaper.
Wiz: Besides his weapons, Jack is also very powerful. He can warp reality, even resurrecting and summoning Gary, the Pathetic Fallacy, who can raise objects into life. He can also affect the powers of others, is stronger than an average human, turns into a dragon, and is pretty much unkillable.
Boomstick: Yeah. Remember the time he tricked the devil? He didn't just trick one devil, he tricked five, probably even more. And he did so to stay away from Hell and extend his lifespan. He literally cannot be killed unless it is his time to die, or the devils want him to die.
Wiz: But Jack has weaknesses. He can still feel pain and get knocked out. He also becomes a mortal upon turning into a dragon (though he can only be killed by a hero). He is also brash and full of himself.
Boomstick: However, he is a devoted foe of the adversary. Even in his assholish and misathrophic ways, Jack is still a force of good. Ready to fight for his friends... and anyone he can make a buck out of.
Wiz: Quite.
Jack Horner (Fables): Yeah, I'm rich. Rich, Fat and Happy. And sleepy too.
Battle[]
Wiz: All right the combatants are set. Let’s end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: It’s time for a DEATH BATTLE!
Outside the Horner Baking Company, Big Jack arrived and asked for the manager. The receptionist, who was a member of the Baker's Dozen, replied that he did not know. Annoyed, Jack rang the bell and demanded.
"Where's that plump piece of shit!" he inquired. "That bastard is using my name. I'm gonna fucking kill him!"
Suddenly, he pulled out twin pistols and fired, killing the receptionist. The other members of the dozen burst out and attacked, but Horner quickly shot and killed them. Finally, Big Jack came out, very very angry.
"You dare?!" Big Jack screamed. "You crap!"
Grabbing his crossbow, Big Jack fired, but Fables Jack rolled out of the way. He then grabbed a mop lying in the ground and pounced, striking Big Jack's face with it. Big Jack took out excalibur and smashed it on Fables Jack's back. But the latter just laughed. "I already tanked the fucking Excalibur, dumbass!"
Jack then pulled out a shotgun and shot Big Jack in the stomach. Big Jack fell back and knelt. Before dying, he ate a magical item, which began turning him into a giant. "You are sooooo dead!" he commented.
"Oh shit!" Fables Jack yelled as he ran away and began dodging the stamps of Big Jack. With his reality bending powers, Fables Jack summoned Gary the Pathetic Fallacy. "Gary!" the fable yelled. "Get rid of him!"
"Got it! Buddy!" Gary enthusiastically said. The latter started to put life into the building, turning it into a monster. It then punched Big Jack in the head. With its mouth opened with fangs, it then chomped on its neck. "Noooooo!" Big Jack screamed before dying.
"Take that, poser!" Fables Jack celebrated.
KO!
Winner: Jack Horner (Fables)
Results[]
Wiz: Big Jack may be have more weapons in his arsenal, as well as the size advantage, this was no match against the sheer reality bending powers and magic of Fables Jack.
Boomstick: Indeed, the guy can summon beings, affect other people's powers, and just wrecks shit.
Wiz: Fables Jack is way smarter too. The con man tricked devils and gods. Even a crime lord like Big Jack cannot compete with that.
Boomstick: Big Jack is no pushover though. He could still kill Fables Jack with the use of his crossbow and Midas' hand, which can negate durability and kill anything it touched.
Wiz: But probably not, since Jack's nature is basically being indestructable. But still, even if he's not, Jack's powers and cunning still takes the edge. Fables Jack is also faster too. It's not easy to tag someone who disarmed Goldilocks or tagged Bigby Wolf himself.
Boomstick: Guess Big Jack ain't big enough anymore... cause he's dead.
Wiz: The winner is Jack Horner (Fables)
