No armies are needed when these two walking tanks take the field! Optimus' close friend and weapons expert, Ironhide, takes on Tony Stark's close friend and military colonel James Rhodes, AKA War Machine!
NOTE: This fight is very outdated and was created very early in my time here, so the decisions, verdict, and formatting here may unfortunately be archaic.
Intro[]
Boomstick: Let me tell you the most beautiful sights eyes can find on Earth; a giant robot with laser cannons and machine guns and a suit of armor with built in tank weaponry! It’s like a dream come true! Pinch me Wiz!
Wiz: I’m not doing that… Anyway, I’m Wiz and he’s Boomstick…
Boomstick: And it’s our job to analyze these sexy weapons of mass destruction!
Wiz: Including their massive arsenals, armors, and skills to find out who would win…
Boomstick: A FULL-ON BOOMSTICK DEATH BATTLE!!!!
Ironhide[]
Wiz: Cybertron, a once astounding testament to peace and technology, until the Decepticons and Autobots went to war.
Boomstick: A freaking awesome war, I might add. Who wouldn’t want to watch two armies of robots blow themselves up over and over again?
Wiz: Eventually, Cybertron was doomed to die, but it’s inhabitants would flee to fight another day. Following the Decepticons to Earth, the Autobots sought to recover the All-Spark before the Decpticons got their hands on it.
Boomstick: All-Spark?
Wiz: Not to be confused with the Cybertronian life source, the Spark, the ALL-SPARK is basically just another magic mcguffin. Anyway, though the Autobots were lead by Optimus Prime, he brought with him an elite team of trusted Autobots to help him. Among this crew was Optimus’ close friend, Ironhide.
Boomstick: Now THAT’S what I’m talking about! Ironhide is ten feet of gorgeous weaponry, ranging from a rapid-fire machine gun, to a giant laser cannon, to hidden barrages of missiles!
Wiz: Yes, and-
Boomstick: That’s not all though. Ohohoho, that’s not all! He’s also packing multiple mounted gatilling guns on TOP of his laser cannons! And he can even PROPEL HIMSELF INTO THE AIR with them!
Wiz: YES, and Ironhide’s mastery of his weapons has made him the go-to weapons expert on the Autobots. He’s even the one that created and designed the Autobots’ weapons, like Optimus Prime’s sword blades and laser cannon.
Boomstick: ironhide can also turn into a slick black truck with a mounted gun on top, just in case he has to chase down some pesky Decepticons.
Wiz: And despite being a giant robot, Ironhide is surprisingly agile, being able to leap around enemy gunfire.
Boomstick: Ironhide is trigger-happy, so much so that he blew up the planet Kaiba-5 on accident!
Wiz: Well, we can assume it was anywhere from moon to planet in size, it’s not really specified, but in order to destroy a moon, Ironhide would need to be packing at least 2.96×10 13 2.96×1013 megatons of TNT, or 30 trillion million tons of TNT.
Boomstick: Hell yeah! This guy’s a grade A badass, unafraid to leap into a gunfight and get the job done, even if other Autobots hesitate. Ironhide's the go-to guy for combat, being a weapons expert and all. He's kinda like the field commander of the Autobots, or would be if Optimus Prime wasn't there.
Wiz: Ironhide has achieved some pretty impressive feats, like the time he and Bumblebee lifted a storage truck up, or when he somehow managed to dodge a barrage of missiles without a scratch.
Boomstick: That's not all, though. Ironhide has survived being impaled, took down three decepticons by himself without any of his built in weapons, and hey, his metal never rusted after being pissed on!
Wiz: He’s not indestructible, however. His Cybertronian body is still vulnerable to Earthly weapons, and the very convenient Cosmic Rust kills Ironhide pretty well too.
Boomstick: And as much as I hate to admit it, even though he’s a weapons expert, Ironhide’s headstrong, shoot-first, ask-questions later philosophy can sometimes get him in trouble.
Wiz: Wow Boomstick, I’m surprised you were willing to admit one of your favorite character’s faults like that.
Boomstick: I’m only doing it out of respect for the heat this guy is packing. Don’t push it, Wiz.
Wiz: …Right. Well, there is a reason why Ironhide is Optimus Prime’s right-hand man; or rather, a whole bunch of them.
Optimus Prime: My weapons specialist: Ironhide.
Ironhide: [drawing his guns] You feelin' lucky, punk?
Optimus Prime: Easy, Ironhide...
Ironhide: [retracts his guns] Just kidding. I just wanted to show him my cannons.
War Machine[]
Wiz: Tony Stark, genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist, Avenger… but even Iron Man needs a best friend to keep him sane, and sober.
Boomstick: That man is James Rhodes, an ex-military man who met the Armored Avenger shortly after Stark’s whole “Iron Man” thing started.
Wiz: James Rhodes was a pilot in the United States Marines Corps. When he was blasted out of the sky by an enemy rocket. James managed to survive, and met Iron Man who happened to be passing by.
Boomstick: Rhodes and Stark teamed up to escape, probably smelling the America on each other. Stark and Rhodes returned to U.S. soil, and Rhodes was offered a job in Stark Industries.
Wiz: Which he declined, but later would accept and eventually even replace Stark as Iron Man during one of Stark’s darkest times.
Boomstick: Rhodes made a nifty replacement, and soon became just as good of an Iron Man as Stark. So much so that he got his own suit, the War Machine armor. This armor contains all the properties of a normal Iron Man suit, such as repulsor blasts, supersonic flight, enhanced strength, increased durability, and of course, the unibeam.
Wiz: Yes, and-
Boomstick: The War Machine armor also packs in a shoulder-mounting gatilling gun, wrist-hinged machine guns, a rocket launcher, mini-heat seeking missile, a SPECIAL rocket capable of killing a Hulk, and an electrical short-range baton. Not to mention built-in flamethrowers and arm chainsaws.
Wiz: That’s not all though-
Boomstick: War Machine ALSO has energy absorbing capabilities and energy converters. Since his suit doesn’t run on an arc reactor, he can charge up his batteries by converting foreign energy into fuel. In addition, he packs in some cool freezing techno-laser thingies! If that wasn’t enough, War Machine can also turn invisible, and packs in some EMPs for good measure too.
Wiz: Since when do you know more stuff about the fighters than me?
Boomstick: Since they’ve started walking around with more guns than a small country.
Wiz: Though War Machine may seem like a poor-man’s Iron Man, War Machine has successfully made his own identity, along with his own record of achievements. He’s completely tanked Storm’s lightning, taken hits from Red Hulk, and also hurt Red Hulk with a combination laser assault from his two wrist cannons.
Boomstick: He’s strong enough to draw blood from Colossus with one punch, and was able to easily lift a 100,000 ton ship out of the sea. Why does that sound familiar?
Wiz: Similarly to Iron Man, War Machine is also capable of supersonic flight. And, being an ex-pilot, Rhodes is well-trained in close quarters combat and is an expert on using his suit. However, War Machine does have a couple of weaknesses that Stark’s armor doesn’t.
Boomstick: While Stark has adapted his suit to counter EMPs, War Machine’s has no defense against it. And because he’s fueled by an Arc Reactor, if he runs out of juice, he’s a sitting duck in a suit of armor.
Wiz: War Machine is not invulnerable to brunt force either. Though he survived a fight with Red Hulk, Rhodes did recently meet his end against the Mad Titan Thanos.
Boomstick: God damn, why do all the GOOD characters have to die? It’s not fair…
James Rhodes: So I take the tank, drop it right off at the general's palace, drop it at his feet. I'm, like, "Boom. Are you looking for this?"
[Silence]
James Rhodes: "Boom. Are you looking for..." Why do I even talk to you guys? Everyone else, that story kills.
Interlude[]
Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set. Let’s end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: IT’S TIME FOR A BOOMSTICK BLOW-DOWN DEATH BATTLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pre-Fight[]
Ironhide rode down the highway in the dull of night; the moon was halfway visible, only bestowing half of it’s guiding light. On Cybertron, the their moons weren’t nearly as… spectacular as Earth’s. Indeed, there was something charming and comforting, seeing the lone rock in space illuminating the night sky.
The weapon’s expert nearly forgot why he was here in the first place. Optimus Prime had tasked him with retrieving a stone that could potentially replace the All-Spark for good. Ironhide didn’t know what it was called, but knew it was blue and cubed. The rest of the Autobots would be trailing behind him slowly, covering his tail and creating a diversion for the Deceptions on the other side of the planet.
Ironhide arrived at his destination; surprisingly, Optimus’ intel was outdated. THAT never happened. The area was supposed to be abandoned, yet here it was, an entire government facility guarding the cube.
“Ironhide to Optimus, come in. I’ve located the Cube, but the area is NOT abandoned. I’m seeing a facility, two guards on the outside, probably much more on the inside. Humans. Awaiting further orders.”
Suddenly, from the compound, what seemed to be a rocked hurried out of the building and into the night sky. It halted in mid air, turned around, and returned back to the Earth. It wasn’t a rocket, but a man. In a suit of armor? That was new. From his bird’s eye view, James Rhodes reported his perimeter scannings. “Nope, nothing is unusu-waitaminute. My thermal radars aren’t picking up anything but theres some truck parked out there? Why would someone leave their truck unattended? Coulson, I don’t think that’s a S.H.I.E.L.D. issue vehicle.”
“Alright, go see what it is big man. Remember to protect the Cosmic Cube at all costs.” Coulson replied, almost grim with the weight of his words.
Rhodes flew down to investigate the strange truck.
“Ironhide to Optimus, come in. I may have to engage a human. Optimus…”
Ironhide knew Optimus would disapprove of him fighting a human, but he didn’t see much else he could do. At best, S.H.I.E.L.D. would take him in and dissect him for parts. At worst, perhaps even the entirety of the Autobots would be at stake.
…Then again, Ironhide DID want to smash in at least one puny human’s face. And who else but the guy trying to stop him from saving his planet?
(Cue What I've Done (Instrumental))
Ironhide then transformed, revealing his robotic, towering form, grabbing War Machine from the air and slamming him into the ground nearby.
FIGHT![]
War Machine retaliated, turning out of the dirt and aiming his wrist guns at the Transformer, his bullets mostly just bounching off the armored titan. “Okay, let’s try… THIS!” Rhodes activated his boosters, bursting out of Ironhide’s grasp and flying straight back into the sky. That was where Rhodes wanted to be against this thing.
War Machine locked onto the giant robot, firing off a barrage of missiles. To his shock, Ironhide aptly dodged them, evading them as if he were a giant gymnast.
“My turn”, Ironhide growled. He fired off his own batch of missiles, much larger than War Machine’s, to which Rhodes had no choice but to fly from. Luckily for him, he was very fast; he flew up, into a circle, reversed his trajectory, then zoomed right past Ironhide, tricking the missiles into assaulting their owner.
War Machine turned, ready to continue his attack on the Transformer. Unfortunately for Rhodes, Ironhide was hardly phased by his own weaponry, and punched War Machine clear out of the S.H.I.E.L.D. compound. Their arena was now the night sky and the cold desert.
Rhodes stabilized his flight, still shaken up after the hit. “I just got punched by a giant black missile launching, transforming robot.”, Rhodes thought to himself. “That’s kinda awesome.” Rhodes still had a mission, however, and knew that, aside from making a really cool story, this robot was definitely a huge threat. Probably HYDRA, or A.I.M.
War Machine landed in the soft, silky sand in the desert. His armor shone with a light blue hue, illuminating his jet black armor in the night. A couple yards away, Ironhide walked up; fifteen feet of mechanical whatsits and hidden weaponry.
Rhodes flew forward, rocketing with a punch that could bust a steel wall easily. His fist took a chunk out of Ironhide’s face, who growled and fired off an energy blast at Rhodes, who took the blast from behind and staggered to the ground.
“Energy blasts, huh? I got some of that too.” Rhodes blasted his repulsors at Ironhide, who was caught off guard. The beams were small, but hurt. Bad.
War Machine whipped out his energy baton. “Now, this ain’t gonna kill you, but- Ah who am I kidding.” Rhodes flew up to the Transformer, still in shock over how strong his repulsors were. Rhodes slammed his baton against Ironhide’s chest, ripping off some metal and sending shock waves throughout Ironhide. “Sonofa…” Ironhide grabbed War Machine again, and raised his cannon to Rhode’s face. “Later, human.”
Ironhide blasted his cannon, unleashing a stream of hot blue energy to flow, enveloping the Avenger in it’s radius. To Ironhide’s shock, War Machine had survived. Aside from some paint that was, er, blasted off, his armor withstood the blast.
“The hell?” Ironhide just couldn’t seem to kill this thing. “Sorry to disappoint pal.” Rhodes quipped. Not in a mood for joking, Ironhide slammed War Machine into the ground.
And again. And again. Ironhide knew his weaponry wouldn’t kill War Machine easily, so he decided to slam the suit into the ground over and over until it cracked.
“Hey-ow. Hey-ack. HEY-oof. Cut that ou-ow.” Rhodey’s pleas weren’t heard today
“Alri-ow. That’s enou-ow.” Rhodes wondered why he even bothered reasoning with the giant killer robot. Since when has that worked before? Rhodes silently activated his EMP, of which he was protected by thanks to Stark’s design.
BZZZZZZPTT. Ironhide’s arm twitched, then his whole body, as the electro-magnetic pulse seemed through him.
War Machine clawed his way out of Ironhide’s now empty grasp, gazing upon the husk of the giant robot. “Well, that wasn’t too ba-“
FWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM. Ironhide’s life was restored, his very essence repowering his mechanical body. A simple EMP could limit Ironhide’s body, but not his soul.
“…Right. It’s never that easy.” War Machine whipped out his flamethrowers, hoping to catch Ironhide off-guard. It did, and Ironhide awoke to a puff of flames consuming him. Ironhide instinctively covered himself, leaving his arms charred and hot, but thankfully not his weapons.
“Okay,” Rhodes thought. “I’m gonna need some backup on this.” Rhodes turned and flew, his flying systems damaged by Ironhide’s attack. Ironhide, not willing to let Rhodes escape, transformed into his vehicle form and gave chase.
FWOOOOOOOOOOM. Ironhide launched a giant rocket from a mounted gun in his truck form. Rhodey turned, too late to dodge, and took the blast straight to the face, hurling the Avenger through the air like a ragdoll.
Rhodes landed as though he were a meteor, crashing into road and forming a crater. Though his exterior armor was fine, Rhodes felt every bump, every crash that his armor endured. “Ughhh…” Rhodes moaned. He slowly got up from the crater, feeling rather disoriented by the blast. He stumbled out of the crater, and peered out.
VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.
CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH.
Ironhide rammed into War Machine at 150 miles per hour, sending Rhodes’ head into the side of the crater, which he rebounded off of and fell back into the hole.
“This ends now, human.” Ironhide was no longer toying around with James.
“A-alright, just give me a second…” Rhodes mumbled. His armor’s integrity was holding up well, but his power was dropping fast.
Suddenly, an idea formed in Rhodes’ head. He boosted himself out of the crater, opposing Ironhide from it’s opposite end. He brought out his shoulder cannon and wrist guns.
“We gonna do this thing or what?”, Rhodes asked. “Thought you’d never ask.” Ironhide replied. He grinned thinly.
War Machine threw his back behind, locked his legs in a spread-out position, and extended out his arms. His shoulder cannon popped out, along with his wrist cartridges and a variety of other small hidden ports. At once, he fired them all at the black gargantuan. Ironhide, too, locked in place, launching all his many missiles and bullets at once.
The air was filled with a BOOMBOOOMBOOOMBOOM as the many missiles blew each other up and the bullets cancelled each other out, falling helplessly to the ground. Beside Rhodes and Ironhide, their empty cartridges, once filled to the brim with lead, dropped to the ground.
“CLICK”
War Machine was puzzled; his bullets and missiles stopped firing. Ironhide, too, inspected his weaponry.
“All out? Already?” Rhodes whined. He picked at his wrist blaster, shaking off the empty, dangling cartridge. Ironhide lightly banged his arm against his built-in guns, wondering if the bullets were perhaps clogged. “POOF”. One small bullet flew out and dropped to the ground. Well, he was right to some degree.
“I uh.. this usually doesn’t happen.” Rhodes explained. “You’re telling me?” Ironhide countered. He had never run out of ammunition before.
Of course, however, this was no accident. Rhodes deliberately removed his ammo in exchange for Ironhide’s; a fair trade, leaving Ironhide with just his brute strength and energy cannon.
And Ironhide didn’t hesitate to use his energy cannon, blasting War Machine the instant he realized he was out of ammo. Rhodes was ready, and set his suit to absorb the energy.
POWER LEVEL BOOSTING. 30%. 50%. 80%. 100%. 150%.
“How about that?” Rhodes smirked. That’s what Tony must feel like, outsmarting his foes all the time, Rhodes figured.
Rhodes boosted himself forward, now pumping out enough energy to make up for his damaged repulsors. With his ammo depleted, Rhodes resorted to his built in chainsaws for close up damage.
SLASH!
FWOOSH! CRACK!
Rhodes’ sliced Ironhide’s, er, hide, five times; each cut tearing out chunks of metal creating small grooves in Ironhide’s chest. It was like watching an artist’ broad strokes and weaves on a canvas. And this was Rhodes’ canvas. Battle. War. This was what he was meant for. He was, after all, the War Machine.
“Rrghah!” Ironhide roared, and slammed his fist into War Machine again. “Yep. Punching. Again. Where have I felt that before…” Rhodes remarked. Ironhide knew now what Rhodes had done was intentional. Without his ammo, his options were… dangerously limited.
(Cue No Sacrifice, No Victory)
“You don’t want me to do this, human!” Ironhide warned. He pulled out his energy cannon again while he calculated a potential blast radius of his explosives.
Rhodes saw this on his scanner, too. Enough explosives to level the country, maybe even more. “Oh shit.” Rhodes mumbled. He hadn’t accounted for that. “Okay, uh just don’t… shit.” Ironhide juggled his options in his head. He had already forgotten what he was fighting for… something with the All-Spark? Cube? Cube.. Cosmic Cube!
“Right, you just stay right there and keep quivering, I got a cube to retrieve.” Ironhide bitterly remarked. He began to transform into his truck form when Rhodes suddenly flew towards him, grabbing him from below. Rhodes flew Ironhide up, up, up… into the sky, formerly pitch black. Now, a crack of orange seeped in from the horizon.
“Comeon, comeon, comeon..” Rhodes stuttered. “This is crazy.” Rhodes thought. “I’m hauling enough raw explosives to level a moon on my back.” Ironhide knew he was stuck; transforming now, on top of this tiny human would send him falling to his death. He had little options before, now he had… only one.
War Machine reached space, and his grip on Ironhide slipped. Ironhide knew it was now safe to transform, and so he did.
“I may not get that cube, human, but I’ll make damn sure you’re not around to stop my friends from getting it.” Ironhide grimly threatened. He knew what he had to do now. And to think, once Ironhide was giddy with the idea of blowing up a moon. Now he was doomed to be caught in the blast himself.
“You’ll have to catch me first, big guy.” Rhodes flew away, slowly. His energy was beginning to run low again, and the damage sustained to his thrusters was painfully evident now.
Ironhide propelled himself forward by launching his cannons behind him. He had to at least take War Machine with him.. At least. Alas, even with Rhodes’ damaged thrusters Ironhide couldn’t hope to catch the armored Avenger.
“Now then, hope you don’t mind if I take that.” Rhodes shot Ironhide in the face with a repulsor blast, stunning him, and giving Rhodes enough time to fly back and absorb more energy from the Cybertronian. POWER LEVEL RISING. 20%. 40%. 60%.
Rhodes fled back to his distant spot, hovering in the blackness of space. Ironhide was helpless to Rhodes. It was over.
War Machine fired his Unibeam while thrusting himself back, firing a hole through Ironhide’s chest and setting off a chain reaction on all of Ironhide’s explosives.
The blast silently roared, hurtling War Machine back into Earth’s gravitational pull, and searing off the outer layer of Rhodes’ armor. His plain white tee-shirt could be seen, from his waist to his upper torso. James fell, twisting and turning, flailing like a fish out of water, trying to regain his bearings. Thankfully, even after the explosion, Rhodes had just enough power to propel himself with his hand repulsors, landing (eventually) in the desert once more. And what had once been a night sky was now a bright, yellow sky, as the sun replaced it’s dark predecessor and lit up the world.
Rhodes collapsed, exhausted. S.H.I.E.L.D. personnel covered him like bees on honey, checking his pulse, scanning his armor, some calling Tony Stark in for help. But Rhodes was alive, if barely, and knew he needed, above all else, a vacation.
Conclusion[]
K.O.!
Boomstick: Holy shit! That got intense!
Wiz: This fight actually wasn’t that close. War Machine outclassed Ironhide in everything except destructive capability, an advantage that would also kill Ironhide.
Boomstick: Yep, War Machine’s arsenal was WAAAAY more than Ironhide’s, and not just in the bullets either. His sheer number of options and weapons gave him plenty of options, so when the ammo stopped flying he wasn’t hopeless. Ironhide on the other hand only had a limited supply of his weaponry, and his energy cannon could be absorbed by War Machine anyway.
Wiz: And physically, War Machine trumps Ironhide. Ironhide needed Bumblebee’s help to lift a truck for cover, whereas War Machine is capable of easily lifting a 100,000 ton ship. Additonally, while Ironhide is a giant vehicle robot, he has easily been impaled, shot, and damaged by rather underwhelming means before, and War Machine has tanked hits from Red Hulk.
Boomstick: Really, the only thing that kept Ironhide in the fight was his explosives, but once Rhodes knew about their presence he was smart enough to figure out a way to dispose of that, too. Look's like Ironhide's hide was cooked from the get-go.
Wiz: The winner is War Machine.
NEXT TIME[]
