This article is about the remastered fight that is currently being worked on. You may be looking for the original version made in 2024
Description[]
Thanks to the incredible reception of our pilot episode, Battle Arena is now back with a full series to come with it! And what better off to start with than a remake of the very fight that cemented us in history? All 10 tributes from the Pilot are back, along with 2 new challengers to spice things up. Will the results be the same as last time, or will we see a brand new victor take the spotlight? Find out on Battle Arena!
Intro[]
Wiz: In 2024 we worked with the wonderful ███████████ to create the Internet Series Battle Royale.
Boomstick: And so to kick off the official Battle Arena subseries, we will be starting off with a remaster of that very fight!
Wiz: That's right, we'll be bringing back all 10 combatants from the pilot episode for this grand premiere!
Boomstick: Blitzo Buckzo, the badmouthed assassin from the pits of hell from Vivziepop's Helluva Boss.
Wiz: Mordecai Heller, the sharpshooter for the Marigold from Tracy J. Butler's Lackadaisy.
Boomstick: Bob Velseb, the cannibalistic serial killer from Sr. Pelo's Spooky Month.
Wiz: Tari, the gamer with an identity crisis from Glitch Production's Meta Runner.
Boomstick: Sir Benedict Cumbersnatch, the century-old mob boss with a vengeance from Glitch Production's Sunset Paradise.
Wiz: SMG4, the god of memes from Luke Lerdwichagul's series of the same name.
Boomstick: Uzi Doorman, the little devious twerp from Glitch Production's Murder Drones.
Wiz: The Second Coming, the reborn hero from Alan Becker's Animator vs. Animation.
Boomstick: Computer, the host-turned-hero from FusionAnimations' The Daily Object Show.
Wiz: Suction Cup Man, the self-proclaimed climber of the year from Piemations' series of the same name
Boomstick: And to spice things up, we'll also be adding two more characters from classic Newgrounds to join the fray!
Wiz: Hank J. Wimbleton, the silent mercenary who spits in death's face from Krinkles' Madness Combat.
Boomstick: And Metallix, the rebellious robot searching for the Chaos Emeralds from Mark Haynes' Super Mario Bros Z. He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick!
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a DEATH BATTLE!
Blitzo[]
Wiz: When a human dies, their soul goes to one of two places. If they were a good person and followed the rules, they would be allowed into Heaven to have a peaceful afterlife. But if they weren't a perfect little angel, then they'd find themself at the very top of Hell, the Pride Ring.
Boomstick: And for some reason, these sinners have more rights than the natural born creatures of Hell! These guys fuck up in their own life and get REWARDED for it! So unfair!
Wiz: Well a certain imp agreed with that statement, and he set out to make a change. Breaking free from his traumatic childhood, this little imp would grow up to be someone very notorious throughout the 7 rings.
Boomstick: Blitzo Buckzo! But don't say the O, because it's silent!
Wiz: Blitzø grew up in an undisclosed ring, but we can assume it's either Greed or Pride. His father exploited him for money, and he was always seen as a disappointment when compared to his best friend, Fizzarolli. But that all changed one day, when a Demon Prince was brought to his father's show. This was the fateful day that a young Stolas would meet a very special imp.
Boomstick: Blitzø had no idea what a simple forced playdate would cause for him in the future. And while he only knew Stolas for one day, he had an impact on the prince's life, an impact that would come back almost 20 years later.
Wiz: As Stolas grew up in a privileged household, Blitzø was forced to grow up in harsher and harsher conditions. He accidentally set his tent on fire, which ruined his friendship with Fizz and killed his mother. After that he went on a life of crime, and in this crime spree he found that he had a natural talent for killing.
Boomstick: So years later he formed the Immediate Murder Professionals, better known as I.M.P. If there's a sinner who has unfinished business with someone in the living world, IMP will go up to the human realm and take the target out, for a price of course. So, with his new friends Millie and Moxxie, and his adopted daughter Loona, Blitzø started a brand new business that took Hell by storm.
Arsenal[]
- Golden Percussion Pistol
- Sniper
- Megaphone
- Phone
- Assault Rifle
- Crossbow
- Sword
- Axe
- Various disguises
- Green Dagger
- Shotgun
- Bat with nails on it
- Granades
- Backpack
- Pussy Destroyer + My Dick
- Binoculars
- Knife hidden in his boot
- Asmodean Crystal
- Ghostfucker Gear
Wiz: To do his job right, Blitzø is sure to carry a weapon of any type that he could possibly need. Guns, axes, swords, crossbows, anything you can imagine, he likely has it. His different types of blades give him many different options for close-range attacks, while his rifles and snipers give him incredible long range options for quick and easy kills.
Boomstick: Blitzø can kill with pretty much anything though, he doesn't even fully need his weapons. He'll strangle you with his tail, impale you with his horns, or just snap your neck with his bare hands.
Wiz: But if push comes to shove, he has one specific weapon that can get him out of almost any pickle: The... *sigh*, the Pussy Destroyer.
Boomstick: That's what I'm now calling MY DI-
Wiz: That's exactly what it is called. This massive missile launcher launches an equally as massive explosive labeled "My Dick", which can clear out an entire hoard of demon-hunting agents.
Boomstick: Heh heh, I like this guy.
Wiz: In that same fight we see the other members of I.M.P. kicking more agent ass, and they were quite impressive might I say. Millie swinging around a large axe while cutting dozens up, Loona showing her strength as she crushed a human skull with her jaw, and Moxxie... Being there.
Boomstick: Those agents had no idea what they were getting themselves into. I mean just a few episodes prior, Blitzø singlehandedly destroyed an entire amusement park because of some old beef with a robot.
Wiz: Speaking of Loo Loo Land, let's talk about that explosion shall we? By comparing the height of the explosion to a nearby flag, we were able to get a diameter of 63.8 meters in length, and a height of around 30 meters. Using a Ground Explosion Formula, we were able to determine that this explosion yields around 2.6-2.8 tons of TNT. And Blitzø just casually walks this off, sorta.
Boomstick: Yeah, despite being a literal demon, Blitzø isn't actually invulnerable. While imps and other hellborn species have a much higher pain tolerance than humans, they can still be killed with a simple shot to the head. Hell, there have been multiple instances where mere humans almost take Blitzø and the gang out, like the DHORK Agents or the murder family.
Wiz: However Blitzø seems to have an abnormally higher-than-normal pain tolerance, even when compared to other imps. He's been shot through the shoulder, got back up after falling down multiple stories, shrugged off shoving his head through glass, and even survived being thrown through multiple walls. Other imps like Moxxie and even Millie have been taken out of the fight because of much less, like when Millie got folded by a glass bottle.
Boomstick: Comparing Blitzø to other imps and lower-level demons, who should have equal or around the same power as him, we can see that this imp is capable of quite a lot. Take that robot Fizz guy I mentioned earlier for example. Despite being on screen for barely a few minutes, he managed to roll around close-range sniper fire in his tussle with Blitzø, moving at well over 20x Mach speed!
Wiz: In a tussle with another impish foe, Moxxie and Millie were able to survive being struck by a rock thrown by Striker that weighs around 1150 tons. And again, Blitzø's strength has been shown to be equal to or even superior than Striker's, meaning he can likely pull off a very similar feat of strength.
Boomstick: No wonder Blitzø has such a high body count, his stats are incredible! This badmouthed assassin is definitely giving imps a good name.
Wiz: But none of this would matter if he didn't have a way to do his actual job. Sure he can kill, but without a special item he can't actually get to the human realm. That's where Stolas comes in.
Boomstick: Stolas is that Demon Prince who had a playdate with Blitzø earlier, remember? Well, as a grown ass married adult, it turns out he never got over Blitzø. So the two struck a deal: Once a month on the Full Moon, Blitzø and Stolas would do "things", and the rest of the month Blitzø gets the Grimoire, which can open portals to and from the human realm.
Wiz: So yeah, to do his job Blitzø had to screw an owl every month. Not the worst price to pay, but definitely not ideal.
Boomstick: But there was an issue: Stolas was in love. He knew it was wrong to hold the book over Blitzø's head like this, but he had no way of having time with his little imp. But eventually he made a decision to see if Blitzø truly loved him back.
Wiz: He managed to get a favor from Asmodeus, the Sin of Lust, to get Blitzø an Asmodean Crystal. These Crystals are usually used by the Lust Ring's Succubi and Inkubi to go into the human realm, meaning Blitzø no longer needs the Grimoire to do his job. So Stolas took his book, and he gave Blitzø the crystal, which did not go as he had hoped it would.
Boomstick: Blitzø refused to believe Stolas was genuine, and it broke the owl's heart. But Stolas didn't take the crystal, he just kicked Blitzø out. But now Blitzø can access the human realm without the book whenever he wants, even though he still hasn't mastered it yet.
Wiz: The imp was left broken, and refused to do his job. He was shattered at his own denial, and he finally caved into what had been building up for years. He pushed away another person, and he wasn't sure if he could get Stolas back this time. And even though Stolas eventually returned to his side, it came at a terrible cost.... And one catchy as hell song.
Boomstick (singing): I am the mastermind, the hand that holds the strings!
Wiz: Next time you are going to screw someone over, maybe think it over first. Because you never know the extent one would go to for a little revenge.
Boomstick: Sinners beware, and pray you're not Blitzø's next target. And Satan save you if he's had a shitty day, because you're death will only be the first taste of the hell that is to come
“I brought you into this company for a reason, okay? You're tougher, smarter, and frankly more capable than anyone I've ever met in any ring. And I'm more fuckable and business savvy than any succu-bitch alive, Loonie’s perfect, and Moxxie’s… Probably got some good traits too, I'm sure we’ll figure them out eventually. The point is, if we can't make it here, then no one deserves to, right?”
Mordecai Heller[]
Wiz: The year was 1920, and the Prohibition had just begun. Alcohol became illegal, and this paved the way for many crime rings around the country to rise up. These gangs would make and sell the now-illegal drinks to needy customers, all while a significant part of the law enforcement did nothing about it.
Boomstick: And one of these gangs was the Lackadaisy, home to the clever sharpshooter, Mordecai Heller.
Wiz: Born in 1899, Mordecai had a troubled upbringing. Before he even started his education, he had already been suffering from congenital myopia at a very young age, and was forced to wear spectacles. And his life didn't get better, as his father would soon pass away from a stroke when he was still a kid.
Boomstick: His father's death would make him highly protective of his remaining family, and when they were forced to move, he found himself getting caught up in not the best crowd.
Wiz: At only the age of 13, Mordecai became an accountant for various grifters, such as loan sharks and gambling operations. A few years later, he took his first life at the age of 17, and began embezzling money from the higher ranks in the criminal underworld.
Boomstick: It wasn't long before he got caught, and was forced to flee. Sending all the money he got to his mother, Mordecai escaped on a train, though he was being pursued.
Wiz: In his flight, Mordecai ran into someone who would change the course of his life forever: Atlas, the leader of the Lackadaisy. Atlas left Mordecai a single revolver, and the cat used that gun to defend himself from his pursuers. And thus his life as one of the Lackadaisy's sharpshooters began.
Boomstick: For 10 years Mordecai would work for the Lackadaisy, but that would all come crashing down when Atlas met an unfortunate demise. While the cause of his death is still a mystery, one thing was for sure, Mordecai needed a new job, and he needed one quick.
Wiz: He left the gang after an argument with Viktor, an argument that resulted in Viktor losing one of his eyes. This is the same Viktor that, years later when he was a far weaker man, was able to react to close-range gunfire.
Boomstick: Eventually Mordecai found his way into the Marigold, another underground gang that was soon going to cause some trouble for Mordecai's old friends. The Marigold and the Lackidaisy were able to live alongside each other peacefully for a very long time, but when Asa Sweet took over the Marigold, things started to change.
Wiz: Coexisting was no longer an option, and Mordecai had to start getting used to this new dynamic. Though, luckily for the sharpshooter, Mordecai isn't one to let nostalgia and old connections get in the way of work.
Boomstick: Mordecai Heller is quite the remarkable sharpshooter, and it shows. With his time working with either gang, Mordecai displayed a level of efficiency that neither the Marigold nor Lackadaisy had ever seen prior. He's a master of the six-shooter, though he doesn't need to rely on it to get the job done.
Wiz: See, the world of Lackadaisy, while it is very similar to our own real world, has one major difference: Everyone is a cat. Tigers, lions, strays, all of the people in this world are cats, giving this story a unique sense of style. But this isn't just a stylistic choice, as the people also have the abilities most cats have.
Boomstick: Mordecai's cat physiology gives him a far greater sense of hearing and smell, letting him locate targets much better than any normal human could. And if he gets caught in a pickle, he can always use his sharp retractable claws to defend himself, or if he's feeling partially cruel, use them to execute a target.
Wiz: Though it's unlikely one would be able to catch him off-guard. Cats can hear things that are well over 4 or even 5 times the distance that a normal human would be able to hear from. And if they are perfectly quiet, Mordecai can still track them down with his sense of smell which is able to pick up scents from over 150 feet away.
Boomstick: However, Mordecai does still get caught off-guard sometimes. Luckily for him though, he knows how to fight back and defend himself. Such as that time where he was infiltrating a target's house, and almost got his head blown smoove off by a shotgun!
Wiz: While Mordecai did see the attacker's reflection before he fired, it does not show the shotgun until he reveals himself and fires. Mordecai also clearly fired his own pistol before the guy revealed himself, so his hands were full and he was occupied with shooting when he had to suddenly block. Now we just have to figure out the difference between him and the shooter.
Wiz: Using the sofa as a reference, which back then was around 72 inches long, we were able to figure out the relative distance between Mordecai and the shooter. Mordecai was just around 100-110 inches away from the window. Assuming it's a standard double-barrel that we're dealing with, one of these bullets could be moving anywhere between 750-1200 miles per hour, so let's low-ball this. With a distance of 100 inches, and the bullet moving at 750 mph, that means the bullet would’ve take 7.6 milliseconds to reach Mordecai.
Boomstick:…………So….?
Wiz: Even if we give him the absolute lowball and say he reacted the moment the bullet was fired, he’d still have to be moving at well over superhuman speed to block that bullet. It’s impossible to determine how fast exactly, but at a lowball it is at least 700 mph:
Boomstick: That’s not even that much of a lowball either. In the series, many of the characters dodge or block up-close gunshots from even faster weapons, like rifles. And there’s also that time Rocky moved out of the way of a train that was only a few feet away from his head.
Wiz: No matter how you put it, Mordecai is fast, especially for a more grounded series.
Boomstick: But what good is speed if you can't return the fire? That's where Mordecai's small yet effective arsenal comes in.
Wiz: Mordecai's signature weapon is the M911, a semi-automatic .45 caliber pistol. His aim with this pistol is scarily accurate, being able to hit moving targets from large distances. But if his pistol isn't enough, he also has a few other weapons he's shown to know how to use.
Boomstick: In one of the comics, Mordecai and Viktor both took out an entire group with nothing but a shotgun, and either an Mk1 or Mk2 grenade. Mordecai also displayed his ability to swing an axe when he had to execute one of the targets in the woods during his early days at Lackadaisy.
Wiz: And in case he doesn't have any of that available, he can always use his trusty switchblade, which he keeps hidden in his coat pocket at all times.
Boomstick: Bootlegging and marksmanship is dangerous work, and Mordecai knows it. That's why he's only improved on his skill over the years, and is now one of the most feared sharpshooters in the underground crime world.
Wiz: While Lackadaisy's story has not come to a close just let, we do know one thing: Mordecai Heller isn't going anywhere anytime soon. If Mordecai is one thing and one thing only, he's perseverant . And nothing will stop him from finishing the job.
"Let's not prolong this, this is a trifling matter. We have other business to attend to."
Bob Velseb[]
Wiz: Halloween is a time of joy, fake scares, candy, and costume parties. Very rarely does any actual horror or fear take place on the spookiest day of the spookiest month. But sometimes someone just wants to ruin the fun, sometimes someone is just a bit too hungry.
Boomstick: Bob Velseb was one of those guys, and he might be the worst. Taking after your typical slasher villain, Bob Velseb stalks his prey by blending into the shadows and striking when they least expect it.
Wiz: Bob is a master of stealth, and was able to evade the cops for well over a year after he managed to escape from prison.
Boomstick: And unfortunately for a certain purple-haired single mother, this killer was drooling for a taste of her... I-I mean, cause he's a cannibal! He's not- I- That sounded so wrong.
Wiz: Bob is a cannibal, and Lila was next on the chopping block. She's the reason he was sent to prison in the first place, so she's obviously the main target of his hunger.
Boomstick: Bob attacked on Halloween night, and terrorized Lila's family and the entire town as a whole. Multiple innocents were slain on this night, and even more nearly met the Reaper early at the hands of this costumed freak.
Wiz: Bob has a supernatural sense of tracking, as he's able to hunt down and locate almost anyone with very little trouble at all. This is best exemplified when Bob somehow found Skid and Pump, despite the fact that he wasn't tracking them until they were causing chaos.
Boomstick: Skid and Pump are slippery little boys who love everything and anything spooky. Clowns, demons, creepy dolls, and literal eldritch horrors are nothing more than another spooky thing to be excited about for them. And Bob was no different, as these two kids never saw him as a threat until the end of the episode.
Wiz: During his pursuit Bob terrorized many citizens of the town. He killed a civilian in the bathroom, nearly killed Kevin the candy man, and possibly killed Streber, who was hosting a very impressive haunted house. Bob couldn't help but get a snack from Streber, and the totally real vampire was left without an arm. It's unknown if he lived or died, but one thing's for sure, Bob has ruined another life, and he isn't satisfied.
Boomstick: Bob is a simple cannibalistic serial killer, not needing complicated equipment or advanced weapons. All he has with him is a devil costume, a belt to hold his tools, a few knives, a carving fork, a salt shaker, and a knife sharpener. And that's it, nothing else, and yet he feels unstoppable.
Wiz: And clearly someone took notice, because Bob got involved with the cult. This mysterious cult runs everything in the background. Every supernatural entity, every twisted being of evil, all of it is connected to this cult. Candy dealers, killer clowns, murderous dolls, all of them are connected to this cult. And Bob is no exception.
Boomstick: This cult worships a being known as the Eyes of the Universe, an eldritch god with unknown intentions who appeared in an earlier episode. They likely helped him and two other thieves escape jail, and gave Bob something that would make him even more terrifying.
Wiz: Like all good slasher villains, Bob is seemingly immortal. He can get shot and run over, and he'll get back up. In fact he got shot well over 30 times by the cops John and Jack, who rapid fired all their ammo into him, and he STILL got back up to try and terrorize the group.
Boomstick: This incredible durability is all thanks to a pendant that the cult gave him. This pendant gives him supernatural abilities, with the most notable being his incredible durability and regeneration.
Wiz: However, despite having such a high durability stat, Bob is not invincible. With enough damage in quick succession, Bob's healing can be overwhelmed and he will eventually die. Sure, this happened only after he was shot dozens of times and repeatedly run over by a cop car, so he can clearly take a lot before he starts to fall.
Boomstick: So how can one even beat him? I mean, between his mastery of stealth, his sadistic pleasure, and his supernatural durability, he seems unstoppable to the normal person!
Wiz: Well he has one weakness: Candy. Throw candy his way and he'll eat it, sometimes even opting to eat the candy instead of killing someone. This doesn't always work however, as Bob was pretty unfazed when Lila tried to use candy as leverage the second time around. Candy might save you some time, but you'll only be delaying the inevitable.
Boomstick: No matter where you go or where you hide, Bob will find you. And as he carves out your flesh while staring at you with his wide terrifying eyes, the last thing you'll ever hear is three fateful words: "Did you know?"
“Y’all don’t know anything! You can't escape from me. I will follow you until you are dead!”
Tari[]
Wiz: Gaming is a popular pastime, one of the most popular in fact. But in this world it is more than just a simple hobby, it's the way of life. The world revolves around video games, and if you're not good at a video game, you don't matter.
Boomstick: People spend hours and days perfecting their skills, but some people go as far as to change their own body for an advantage in the gaming space. These people are called Meta Runners.
Wiz: Created by Doctor James Sheridan, the Meta Runner Arm allows its bearers to perform more advanced and precise inputs for whatever game they are playing. Platformers, first-person-shooters, racing games, any and all genres are important in this world.
Boomstick: Every up-and-coming star has one goal in mind: Be the best. And there's only one company that can pride itself in having the best: Tascorp, the New Meta.
Wiz: Run by Derek Lucks, Tascorp is all about nourishing the gifted, and one very gifted blue hair Meta Runner by the name of Tari would catch Tascorp's eye. Not only did Tari appear out of literally nowhere, but she also had a strange gift that no other Meta Runner seemed to have: The ability to enter the game worlds themselves.
Boomstick: Hell yeah! I've always wanted to do that!
Wiz: Well for Tari it was a big surprise, especially when she met someone who would change her life: Theo. Theo was the playable character of Ultra Jump Mania, one of the most popular video games out there, and for Tari, he was a brand new friend. The two would go on adventures throughout Simple Flip Island, at least until Lucks got his hands on the cartridge.
Boomstick: Tari would be kicked out of the game, but so would Theo? Yeah, coconut boy ended up in the real world somehow! Weird!
Wiz: Weird indeed, and Lucks clearly thought it was weird enough to try and capture them. But the two managed to get away, even though they took Theo's game. Here is where they met Lamar Williams, a self-proclaimed otaku who helped them get out of danger to hide from Tascorp. Tari would then meet two other people who would become her lifelong friends, Sofia Porter and Masa Shimamoto. And so Tari and Theo would join MD-5 in their quest to take down Lucks.
Boomstick: During the adventures Tari went on with her friends, she would gain access to a multitude of different games. From dating simulators to first-person-shooters, she has explored them all!
Wiz: And luckily for her, thanks to something later in the series, she's able to pull from any of these games whenever she desires! And trust me when I say this; there are a lot of things for her to pull from.
Games[]
- Ultra Jump Mania: Pineapple Hammer, Extra Lives, Coconut Shells, Banana Bombs, etc
- Battle Blazers: Handguns, rifles, grenade guns, mini guns, grenades, etc
- Tempest: Windburst, Finger Guns, Earth Pillar, Shadow Hand, Speedy Boots, Meteor, etc
- Pocket Gakusei: ❤️Satsuki-Chan❤️
- Turbo Crash 9: Cars/Trucks, upgrades (Missile launchers, grappling hooks, machine guns, etc)
- Hidden Heroes: Sword, firecracker, chain
- Skybreakers: Sabers, rapiers, flintlocks, healing capsules, spring-grenades, cannons, etc
Boomstick: Items like Hidden Heroes' sword and Mania's Pineapple Hammer give her incredible close-range melee options, while the various firearms from Battle Blazers and the Finger Guns from Tempest provide her with great ranged attacks. She can summon a battle truck for movement and offense, use the Speedy Boots to dash out of any situation, and heal damage with the grenade-shot healing capsules from Skybreakers! And so much more.
Wiz: Blades, explosives, firearms, and various different magical spells make up a significant chunk of Tari's arsenal. And thanks to her Meta Runner technology, and the Project Blue technology that lets her enter the games, she has mastered almost all of it by the end of the series.
Boomstick: But out of all the different games she can pull from, two of them make up a majority of her arsenal: Skybreakers and Tempest. Tempest is a large Battle Royale where the goal is to be the last one standing, and the game provides a wide array of different Books which give magical powers.
Wiz: There's the basic elemental attacks like Fireball, Windburst, Water Blast, Ice Shards, and Earth Pillar. Ranged spells like Knives, Finger Guns, and Magic Missile let her attack from safe distances. If she gets in a sticky situation she can use spells like Protective Shield, Deflector Boots, and Metal Transformation allows her to protect herself from oncoming damage, while Teleport Scroll and Speedy Boots provides a quick and easy escape.
Boomstick: But none of them are as powerful as Meteor. With this simple spell, Tari is capable of summoning a meteor shower to rain down on her competition! It's unknown if there's a cooldown on these, but I doubt the game developers were OK with someone just being able to spam mountain-spanning Meteors non-stop.
Wiz: The other big game is Skybreakers, which was the main focus of the final season. Tari dawns a pirate attire and pilots a flying ship, armed with cannons to attack from high in the sky. Sabers, rapiers, flintlocks, rifles, and many types of explosives make up Tari's pirate-themed arsenal. And not just that, but it also comes with Petey, the Tutorial Guide who is surprisingly useful in combat.
Boomstick: Speaking of Petey, let's talk about one of Tari's most underutilized powers she has: The ability to summon digital entities. She can use various exploits to summon friendly enemies, like when she summoned the Crab King, which is the final boss of Ultra Jump Mania, to fight off the abomination Evelyn created.
Wiz: Theoretically she should be able to summon any and all entities from the various games she has access to, which includes those like the Palm Tree enemies from Ultra Jump Mania, Petey from Skybreakers, and Satsuki-Chan from Pocket Gakusei. And it isn't just limited to enemies, as she also should theoretically be capable of summoning her best friend, Theo.
Boomstick: Theo is similar to Tari, as they can both exploit the mechanics and glitches in any game they are playing. This allows Theo to do things such as gain infinite acceleration, glitch out-of-bounds, and even start crashing entire servers.
Wiz: With his coconut shell and Elder Tomato, Theo is an extremely helpful ally to Tari. The two have grown close over their adventure, and can work together in very creative ways to take on whatever challenges them.
Boomstick: Though not every challenge is in the digital realm, and when it comes to the real world they struggle a lot. Derek Lucks was able to capture Theo and Tari, and would force the girl to become one of his many Meta Runners, using Theo as leverage. This all culminated in the Season 2 finale, where MD-5 and Lucks would finally come head-to-head.
Wiz: Little did Lucks know, he was on live television. The whole world got to see him for the monster he truly was. Lucks lost, and he knew it. But things were about to get worse for him, because something malfunctioned in Masa's arm.
Boomstick: Masa, unable to control his own arm, shot Lucks on live TV. And while he and Belle were being arrested, they had no idea that the true mastermind behind all of this, was the one who started it in the first place.
Wiz: Doctor James Sheridan, the man who created the Meta Runner Arm and Project Blue, had hijacked Masa's arm to kill Lucks. He started his own company, SherCorp, and was determined to prove himself superior to that pathetic Lucks.
Boomstick: He'd start forcing various different Runners into Cyberspace, but unlike Tari they can't pull out. He was going to test every single Runner to see who was the best by having them all fight to the death.
Wiz: Obviously this would not fly, so Tari and her remaining friends came up with a plan to stop Sheridan once and for all. Tari would have a new enemy to fight, and she would spend the final season making her way to her ultimate goal.
Boomstick: But after everything, after Sheridan was killed and Evelyn was defeated, Tari still had something to do: Free Lucidia. The girl who helped Sheridan all the way back when Project Blue was being developed, who almost got killed in the explosion. Her consciousness was transferred into Tari, and only one of them could exist at a time.
Wiz: So Tari made the ultimate decision. She returned everything of hers that belonged to Lucidia, and would never be able to return to the real world again. But she did make a backup for herself and for Theo.
Boomstick: The two would live on in Cyberspace, where Tari can create hundreds of new adventures for them. And while her friends at MD-5 miss her, if Tari taught them anything in life, it's to never stop running.
"Goodbye guys, thanks for the adventure."
Sir Benedict Cumbersnatch[]
Wiz: Determination is an incredible thing, and without it humanity likely wouldn't be as far as we are now. But when determination corrupts an individual, when they spend years determined to enact their revenge, that's a dangerous concoction of disaster waiting to be unleashed.
Boomstick: And this man is the poster boy for how determination can be used in the wrong ways. Sir Benedict Cumbersnatch, the cursed mob boss who is waiting for his chance to enact his century-old revenge.
Wiz: Benedict was once a mob boss who ran the town of Port Aurora with an iron grip. Nobody was safe from him, and he was, for all intents and purposes, untouchable. He was at the top of the world, and nobody could ever dream of tearing down his throne. That was until one fateful day, the most important day of the entire century: The Phoenix Festival.
Boomstick: Every 100 years the Phoenix Festival commences to celebrate the Phoenix Egg hatching. And Benedict knew of this, and he wanted that Phoenix's power. So, in a desperate attempt to stop him from gaining all the power in the world, the sheriff made a decision that would prove fatal. He used the Phoenix's power before Benedict could to seal Benedict away, ripping away his human form and cursing him into an egg-shaped body.
Wiz: And while Benedict would kill Sheriff Aloysius Bori in revenge, he would still be stuck with this prison of a body for 100 years.
Boomstick: 100 years, 100 freaking years! I don't think you understand just how long 100 years is, ok? Assuming the show takes place in 2021, that means that, in the time that Benedict was an egg, he has seen: the Prohibition, the Great Depression, the very first Looney Tunes cartoons, the rise of Nazi Germany, the construction of the Empire State Building, the Holocaust, World War II and everything that happened during it, the first detonation of a nuclear bomb, the start of the Cold War, the Vietnam and Korean Wars, the first man in space and the first man on the moon, the Civil Rights movement, John F. Kennedy's assassination, the first Super Bowl, Chernobyl, the Y2K scare, 9/11 and the war on terror, the rise of modern technology and the INTERNET, the Covid-19 Pandemic, and the BLM movement! And after all of that, he still could have spent the last year and a half waiting for the next Festival by scrolling through TikTok! This guy has seen so much that I can't even blame him for being that grumpy!
Wiz: Basically, Benedict had to wait a long time. But he didn't just sit there twiddling his no-longer existing thumbs, no he was preparing. As the deadline came closer and closer he started to grow an army. And for his first act of preparation, he created a concoction that would turn regular Aura Boras into the powerful Goonies!
Boomstick: Goonies make up the bulk of Benedict's army, serving as the main underlings that perform all the tasks that the higher minions don't bother with doing. They build his weapons, carry him around, and even fight for him!
Wiz: Goonies are able to pick up and throw large carts with ease, and were able to force their way through a magical barrier by using some kids as shields. But their main strength comes not from their impressive physical power, but their limited-yet-effective arsenal.
Boomstick: They can fire rockets from their wrist, fly with a high-tech jetpack, throw sticks up dynamite, and even dispense cookies! And while this might not seem like a lot, when there's a dozen or so of these guys all attacking you at once, it'll sure feel like a lot.
Wiz: But not every creation is perfect, and these Goonies have one very obvious flaw: They are just really dumb. They bump into walls, bump into each other, think a thing of ice cream is actually their boss, and act like a 4 year old, and even that's giving them credit.
Boomstick: These guys put all their points into the physical stats that they forgot to roll for intelligence.
Wiz: But luckily they make up for that in sheer loyalty. While they might be dumb, they will follow any order given to them by Benedict, no matter how cruel it is. They'll build flying thrones, chase down a couple of kids, bomb a house, and even use little children to force their way through a magical barrier. If Benedict orders them to do something, they will do it without question.
Boomstick: For a while Benedict only needed the Goonies, but as the deadline came closer and closer he began to realize that he might have some opposition. So he recruited 2 more groups to his side to handle things the Goonies are just too stupid to do. And the first group he hired is the infamous crime quartet, the Spud Buds.
Wiz: These living potatoes are no joke, as they have a long history of crime in Port Aurora. Armed robbery, assault and battery, even murder! And since the sheriff wasn't the most competent, they got away with it a lot more than they should've been able to.
Boomstick: Led by Yam, these four friends each bring something special to the table that lets them be so dangerous despite being literal, well, vegetables.
Wiz: Yam is the leader of the group, and takes crime the most seriously out of the four of them. Wielding his signature potato peeler, this confident spud is not afraid to peel your very skin off your body! Though he is a bit too confident for his own good.
Boomstick: Mash is the lovable goofball of the group who acts 10 years younger than he is. Throwing explosive cherry bombs, this little goober is obsessed with violence to an almost cartoon degree, to the point where even some of his fellow Spuds are disturbed.
Wiz: Russet is the brains of the organization and constantly has to keep everyone else under control, especially Mash. He makes the plans and trusts the others to act on them, making him an unexpected threat who can easily seal your fate, as long as you don't tickle him that is.
Boomstick: And Duke is the muscle of the group who flips whole tables just because he can! Combined with the others, Duke is a much bigger threat than you'd expect, that is as long as you don't start humming a tune.
Wiz: All four Spud Buds come together to create a group who is not one to mess around with, despite their silly name. They can easily overwhelm the civilians of Port Aurora, and only started to face any actual trouble when Meggy showed up, who is an experienced fighter back home.
Boomstick: But the Spud Buds have one glaring issue: They do NOT know how to cooperate. They constantly bicker and usually fumble even the easiest of jobs. So, to take care of the jobs that require a bit more common sense, Benedict hired the Funky Fource!
Wiz: This team of crime-fighting groovy Superheroes are anything but heroes, and use their public influence to stage all of their own battles. Their villains are just brainwashed fans, and the only real thing about them is their groove. But the public doesn't know, which allows Benedict to get an upper hand on Meggy and Auri by getting the public's unknowing support.
Boomstick: And while the Funky Fource may not be real heroes, their crime-fighting moves are not fake! They know how to dance and they know how to do it well.
Wiz: Aside from just being really good martial artists, these four funky foes are also equipped with state-of-the-art technology to help them fight "crime". Their sunglasses shoot lasers, they can deploy smoke bombs to disorient their opponents, and can move on foot at car-level speeds with their roller blades.
Boomstick: But all of that is useless compared to the Funk Truck, which clearly takes inspiration from Doctor Who's very own TARDIS. This bigger-on-the-inside vehicle is strapped with disco turrets known as the Funk Truck Defense Mode, which will automatically or manually lock onto a target and start firing lasers at them!
Wiz: But the most important thing in this truck is the Brainwashing Room, where they brainwash their fans into becoming the very villains they fight. Even Meggy, who is one of the most resilient people in her universe, was no match for the awesome power of their groovy Mind Control Music.
Boomstick: But if all goes wrong and they don't have access to the incredible Funk Truck, they still have one final trump card: The Funky Flash! By combining their collective groovy power, they can fire a beam capable of vaporizing the mayor's van in a massive explosion yielding 1.883e+1 joules of energy[1].
Wiz: These four seem unstoppable, but they do have one glaring weakness: Joe Fresh. Their lost fifth member who died under mysterious circumstances is still a very sensitive topic for them. If he's ever brought up, they'll either get very sad and will struggle to fight properly, or they'll get enraged and lose control of themselves. And Benedict just loves to hold Joe Fresh over their heads, using his death to "motivate" them into doing worse and worse things.
Boomstick: But some crimes need only one person to do, and the Funky Fource and Spud Buds are both groups of four. Benedict knew this glaring problem, and he knew exactly how to solve it: By manipulating a vulnerable cat girl thief of course!
Wiz: Meet Whisk, the fierce cat-themed career criminal. Whisk is by far the greatest asset that Benedict has, as she doesn't need to rely on a group of friends to be dangerous. While the Goonies, Spud Buds, and Funky Fource are all threatening, if you manage to isolate them from one another then they're pretty much useless. But Whisk doesn't need to rely on others to be a threat, making her perfect for cleaning up where the others couldn't succeed.
Boomstick: This adorable little thief can be perfectly quiet, and thanks to her cat-like nature she can hide in the shadows almost perfectly. Her claws can cleanly cut through the window of a museum without making a single sound, and without tripping any alarms. And if push comes to shove she also has a swiss army knife of a tool gun, which has multiple modes to keep her opponents on their toes.
Wiz: The main offensive option is the laser mode, which allows her to rapid-fire lasers that can and will burn whatever they touch. There's even a disintegration mode for extra effect if Whisk so desires!
Boomstick: And in between the time we put Benedict up against Big Jack Horner and now, we've actually changed our minds a bit on this. The only reason we didn't treat them as actual lasers was because they were split up instead of one continuous laser, but that doesn't actually mean they aren't real lasers.
Wiz: See, what could be happening is that the laser is just being blocked every time she releases the trigger. Since we don't see her ever hold the trigger down, it isn't that far out there to say that she is firing actual lasers. And given how advanced the rest of her kit is, it isn't that much of a stretch.
Boomstick: But who needs light-speed ammunition when you can just drug your opponents! Her second main mode for her gun is the Toxic Smoke mode, which basically acts as Scarecrow's Fear Toxin. When you get inflicted with the smoke, you start to hallucinate about your deepest fears and insecurities. Voices and apparitions will overwhelm your senses as you get emotionally drained, leaving you vulnerable as reality slips away.
Wiz: But you can fight it, as we saw with Meggy and Auri when they fought back against the hallucinations and kicked Whisk's ass. And in a situation like that Whisk needed an escape, and luckily she has many options to get out of a situation quickly. Her incredible agility lets her leap across buildings, and if the jump is too far away for her, she has a grappling hook to make an even cleaner escape.
Boomstick: Now you may be thinking: Whisk seems perfect, too perfect. And you'd be right, because despite how fierce she is, she has one major weakness: Her mask. If her mask is taken off she changes into a completely different person who is the most submissive little cat girl I've ever seen.
Wiz: She'll submit and follow you if you have her mask, even going against Benedict's orders to get it back. This is a massive weakness, as without her mask she feels insecure and doesn't want people to see her face. If someone gets a hold of this mask, it's practically over for her.
Boomstick: But they better hope she doesn't get her hands on that mask, as the moment it's back on her she'll return to the fierce cat-robber she is known to be. While she might betray Benedict to get her mask back, the moment it's back on she's likely to turn back and fight for him. At least until she feels like the situation is out of her paygrade, than she'll just opt out and leave him to fight for himself.
Wiz: With this impressive army, Benedict was able to successfully return and take control of the town once more. Stealing the sheriff's badge and accessing the Lighthouse, he only had one thing left to complete his plan: A throne. All good kings need one after all.
Boomstick: And he made sure to get the best throne he could! So he forced his loyal Goonies to spend an entire night building him his final destructive weapon: The Phoenix Throne.
Wiz: This flying machine finally lets Benedict control his own movement without having to rely on the Goonies. How he controls it without hands, nobody knows, but what we do know is that he's a damn good pilot. And when he infuses it with the power of the Phoenix Egg, he's almost completely unstoppable at that point.
Boomstick: During the final showdown with Meggy and Auri, Benedict preferred to stay outside of their range by flying around the roof of the lighthouse. As he has something they don't: An almost endless supply of missiles. Benedict, like every good warm-blooded American, is packing some serious heat in the form of two missile launchers.
Wiz: Along with the missiles, Benedict can also charge up and fire deadly lasers. These lasers will explode on contact with whatever they touch, giving Benedict a very simple yet dangerous tool to his limited arsenal. But just in case it wasn't enough, he also built in some energy beams that can control someone's body with telekinetic properties.
Boomstick: And if he decides to get up-close and personal for some reason, he can with his buzzsaw attack! By tilting the throne to the side and spinning around, he becomes a deadly buzzsaw that flies at incredible speeds, allowing him to be even more unpredictable than he already is!
Wiz: With all of this power and this entire army, it's so hard to believe that he could ever lose. But he did lose, and technically he did it to himself. With barely even a second left until the Egg hatched, Meggy and Auri were able to knock the egg out of the throne, ruining his plans for revenge at the very last second. This defeat was the final straw and he completely broke into a fit of disbelief and laughter, a fit that soon turned fatal as he began to hallucinate.
Boomstick: If he just kept his ego in check, he may have been able to regain his human body and return to his former glory. But instead he suffered a pathetic fate, dying at the hands of a desperate self-destruct as he went through a mental breakdown caused by the grandson of the very man who cursed him a century prior. Sir Benedict Cumbersnatch had everything, got cursed, and gained it all back, only to lose it all at the very last second.
Wiz: Not even Whisk was able to save him from his fate, and ultimately abandoned him in the time he needed her most. It just goes to show that fear is a powerful force, but the moment you show even a single weakness, your entire empire can come crashing down onto you.
"As one leader to another, let me give you some advice: Good leadership is all about providing strong motivation. Here's an example; if you boys don't kill that deputy, I will kill you! See, you feel more motivated, right?"
SMG4[]
Wiz: Memes are the foundation of internet culture. Everything online revolves around them, and if something's popular, it's probably because of a meme.
Boomstick: But someone has to manage these memes, someone has to protect them? I guess? Wait what?
Wiz: Meme Guardians have the job to well, guard the memes. And SMG4's been doing his job for well over 14 years as of now. And in those 14 years, he has been through a lot, and has done a lot.
Boomstick: On May 7th, 2011, Luke Lerdwichagul created the channel "SuperMarioGlitchy4", better known as SMG4. That's the real life explanation, but in the world the series takes place in, SMG4 is one of the strongest Meme Guardians out there.
Wiz: SMG4 is, if you couldn't guess, based off of Mario. He used to even look exactly like Mario, before a lawsuit with Nintendo (In-universe) forced him and his friends to change their designs. But before all that happened, SMG4 was known as a simple "recolor", alongside many other friends.
WIP
Uzi Doorman[]
Wiz: It was the 3000s, and humanity had started to expand their empire. They began colonizing different exo-planets, mining them for resources and expanding more and more into the Milky Way. And in the Proxima Centari system, one of these planets would come to be named Copper-9.
Boomstick: While humanity was exploring these unknown planets, modern technology in the form of Worker Drones would aid them and perform everyday tasks. These Worker Drones were very much sentient, but weren't really capable of doing anything about their roles in society.
Wiz: As years went on, the human race expanded more and more, with Worker Drones by their side. But one fateful day, the planet of Copper-9 would face a catastrophe. In a freak accident, the core of the planet would implode on itself, wiping out every single human on the planet. However the Worker Drones were surprisingly fine, and soon started to become more and more independent.
Boomstick: But their parent company, JCJenson in Spaaaaaaaace, didn't like the idea of runaway AI. So the peaceful Copper-9 would once again find itself in danger as a fleet of Disassembly Drones were sent to take care of the problem.
Wiz: For years these Murder Drones terrorized the citizens of Copper-9, and their only defense was building 3 large doors. Designed by the creatively named Kahn Doorman, these doors were the only things protecting certain colonies from the Murderer's wrath.
Boomstick: But this didn't last forever, as like with all downfalls, it started with a broody teenager. Kahn's daughter, Uzi Doorman, was, you could say, different from everyone else. She styled her hair differently, was far more "cringe" and "broody", and was anything but a social butterfly. She was the exact opposite of her father in every possible way.
Wiz: Uzi wasn't content with just hiding, so she made a plan. "Sneaking" out into the cold landscape beyond the doors, Uzi would pick up the final part to her very own Magnetically Amplified Photon Converger... Which doesn't exist.
Boomstick: She basically built a railgun, and this core was the power source. And just as she got the core she would soon have to learn if it worked or not, because here comes a Murder Drone!
Wiz: Serial Designation N, one of the three main Disassembly Drones who target Uzi's colony, had found her. This psychopathic killer would chase her, and ultimately succumb to the power of her railgun. But N wasn't dead, far from it actually. Even though he literally lost his head he would end up coming back, and with one of his sensors damaged, he didn't recognize Uzi as a Worker Drone.
Boomstick: And so, from that point onward, N and Uzi's lives would be changed. Sure, N eventually came back to his senses and killed all of Kahn's friends, along with nearly killing Uzi, but he apologized, ok?
Random Worker Drone: "Oh alright, just don't do it again, you goob!"
Wiz: With a newfound friend, a newfound captive V, and a newfound dead J, Uzi went from the weird kid nobody liked to the weird kid everybody was terrified of. And she LOVED it!
Boomstick: And over the course of the series Uzi would showcase just how terrifying she can be. While her railgun is powerful, it still needs a 30ish minute cooldown after one use, so it isn't always available. But what is available is this new symbol that's been appearing everywhere: The AbsoluteSolver.
Wiz: This strange symbol started taking over Uzi's life, both literally and figuratively. While her railgun is powerful, the Solver provides Uzi with so much more than she could ever ask for, but it comes with a price, of course.
Boomstick: See the Solver is actually a virus, and the more she uses it the more it takes over. Best shown in Episode 4: Cabin Fever, when Uzi loses control and transforms into Zombie Drone Uzi. With fleshy wings, a possibly-living tail, and an unquenchable thirst for blood, or I guess oil in this case, Uzi went on a hunting spree, killing nearly all of her fellow classmates in brutal fashion.
Wiz: However this incredible buff comes at the cost of her sanity, so she really doesn't want to transform into it. However the Solver is definitely a very tempting ability to use, as it grants her very powerful telekinesis. She can float objects around, stop bullets, shatter glass, and so much more with this thing. Too bad it literally keeps trying to kill her.
Boomstick: It wasn't long for the Solver to finally fully take over her body. In episode 6 and 7, Uzi is constantly being periodically taken over by an entity known as "Cyn", who seems to be the origin of the Solver itself.
Wiz: Cyn would prove to be a very big problem, and during the events of Episode 6, N would soon find out just how bad she is. Tessa, a human with past connections to N and who had flown all the way to Copper-9, showed N the reality of what he thought was his home planet. Earth was destroyed, and in its place? A massive black hole.
Boomstick: But with Earth destroyed, who was sending all these murder bots to take out the Worker Drones? Well if it wasn't JCJenson, then there was only one real answer: Cyn herself. It was never about taking out runaway AI, no it was about spreading her influence, even if it meant killing hundreds if not thousands of innocent drones in the process.
Wiz: And unfortunately for the Drones, they had no time to prepare. With another Solver user, a girl named Doll, constantly conflicting with Uzi and N, they had their arms full, and Cyn was just too much for them to handle.
Boomstick: Doll and Uzi both inherited their Solvers from their mothers, Nora and Yeva, both of whom got killed by Murder Drones. Which definitely makes it a bit awkward when Uzi starts to fall for who might be her mother's murderer...
Wiz: Well, with both Doll and Cyn to worry about, the trio continued to persist. That is, at least, until Tessa was revealed to be something else, something more than human. She was Cyn herself.
Boomstick: In a fucked up turn of events, Cyn actually DID kill Tessa, and started puppeting her body around! Remember, Tessa was a CHILD when she died, and now her rotting corpse is being piloted around by the very thing that killed her and her entire species??? What the hell!?
Wiz: In what felt like a flash everything fell apart. Copper-9 started to fall apart, the core began to collapse again, and Doll was found dead and mutilated, her core having been ripped out. Uzi was sent spiraling into space, forever to float alone.... If not for a surprise appearance by her very own mother.
Boomstick: In yet another twist, it turns out that Nora actually survived! While she lost her body, her core was very much still there. While Nora wouldn't do a lot to directly help, she did give Uzi some kick-ass fight music and a cool pickaxe.
Wiz: With everyone's help, Uzi would come victorious. She ripped Cyn's core out of her chest, and time seemed to slow down around them. The pitch black sphere that acts as Cyn's core was in the palm of her hand, and, in a move I'm sure she'll never regret... She ate it.
Boomstick: To stop Cyn from getting it back, Uzi just... Ate it? Cyn melted away in front of her very eyes as Uzi's systems were overrun by Cyn's.
Wiz: One would think this would just lead to a new chain of events, with Uzi as the new host. But surprisingly no, Uzi was able to actually suppress it. She controlled Cyn, who has now been relegated to nothing but a minor annoyance that serves as her living tail.
Boomstick: And oh boy does this simple act of absorbing Cyn have some major implications! First, let's start off with the sheer amount of upgrades her Solver now should have. Because if she absorbed Cyn's Core, she absorbed her Solver as well.
Wiz: Uzi can now fully create singularities at will, ranging from the size of her hand to the size of a planet. She can manipulate gravity, insert and edit memories, duplicate/accelerate objects, and create extremely realistic holograms of entire rooms and people.
Boomstick: And if black holes and holograms weren't enough, she now is practically freaking IMMORTAL! Thanks to Cyn's core, Uzi is able to revive herself if at least a decent part of her body is left, similar to how the Murder Drones work.
Wiz: And if there's still no body left she can still revive herself. Cyn's core is an intangible black hole heart that she can reform her body around, as long as there's metal nearby to reform with. Meaning that, even if she gets completely vaporized, she'll always come back as long as there's some metal scraps. Oh, and she also can now fully control her zombie form, no bloodlust needed1
Boomstick: Though this does come at some downsides, though calling them "weaknesses" is definitely pushing what a "weakness" is. As shown in the official sequel music video "Fight 'till I'm Good Enough", we see that Cyn now resides within Uzi's tail. Cyn is now nothing but a minor annoyance who sometimes plays what she likely sees as pranks, such as spreading a zombie virus across the colony for the giggles.
Wiz: Thanks to absorbing her core, Uzi now has to deal with multiple consciousnesses. She's never alone, which likely gets... Awkward at times... Especially since Doll might also be there.
Boomstick:.....So when are we bringing up that feat?
Wiz:...Great segway, Boomstick...
Boomstick: You're welcome!
Wiz (sighs): Thanks to absorbing Cyn's core, she should be capable of anything Cyn is able to do. And since Cyn is the top dog of the series, that means that any notable feats that literally any other character showcases, she can scale to. From dodging V's laser cannon at 10% the speed of light to throwing a black hole that blasted a gigantic hole in Copper-9, Uzi is definitely someone who has proven herself to be quite capable.
Boomstick: And sure, Lizzy tanking a missile and N moving at far beyond Mach speeds is impressive, but none of it, and I mean not a single character, comes close to this one random guy. This one guy, who only has like one or two lines, moved at such ludicrous speeds that it... It's stupid!
Wiz: The spaceships that bring the Murder Drones to Copper-9 have to move interstellar distances, and since there's well over 5 light years between Copper-9 and Earth, they move at massively faster than light speeds. Given the timeframe between the Pilot and Episode 3 can only be a few days in-universe thanks to N's oil-timeframe, this means that these things are moving well over 120 times faster than light.
Boomstick: And these things crash, like they CRASH! They don't land, they just hit the planet at full speed and somehow nothing gets destroyed! And this Worker Drone this random god damn Worker Drone, just freaking dodges it! I just- how?! How does it!?
Wiz: This isn't even an outlier either, as many other characters show FTL feats similar in scale. So yeah, she can move... Hundreds of times faster than light, apparently. As if she wasn't any more powerful.
Boomstick: But no matter how fast she moves or how hard she hits, Uzi Doorman will always be ready to fight for her friends. Is that cringe? Yes. Does she care? Absolutely freaking not!
Wiz: Uzi Doorman showed the world that sometimes all you need is a little weirdness. It can take one weird kid to change the world, and you'll never know who is next. So evil AIs beware, because Copper-9 has a protector, and she won't stop at anything to bring those who oppose her to an absolute end.
"I brought the Murder Drones here accidentally! You CHOSE to leave me for dead instead of just freaking BELIEVING IN ME! And that's not even an edgy teen hyperbole like when I said it last week!"
The Second Coming[]
Wiz: Have you ever wondered what it would be like if your drawings came to life? What would happen if the heroes and villains you've created suddenly started to move on their own? Well for one young animator, this question was suddenly answered, and it would become his entire life.
Boomstick: This man was Alan Becker, and he would be the creator of many different creatures over the course of the year. What he never thought would happen would be that his stick figures would come to life, such as victim and the Chosen One.
Wiz: The Chosen One's creation would turn out to be a big mistake for Alan, as it would result in the destruction of his PC. But years later, Alan seemed to never learn from his mistakes, as he would create another stickman, now named The Second Coming.
Boomstick: And this one seemed to be heading in the same way that the other incidents did, with the Second Coming being deleted. But this one actually turned out differently, as the Second Coming had made peace with Alan.
Wiz: An unlikely bond had been formed between animator and animation, and the Second Coming would even get some friends along the way with the stick figure gang. Over the years, the Second Coming and his friends have gone on many adventures, and have visited many different worlds and games.
Boomstick: And their favorite game is Minecraft, which takes up like half of their adventures. Wooo, blocks!
Wiz: See, the Second Coming has the Minecraft Icon, which is the very icon that lets you open the game in the first place. With this icon, the Second Coming has access to everything in the game. Every weapon, block, mob, item, and everything in between, it's all available. Including some unnatural blocks like the Structure, Barrier, and even Command Blocks.
Boomstick: And the Second Coming knows how to use these to their fullest potential. He's shown incredible skill with swords, bows, fishing rods, and everything else the game has to offer. Even mastering complicated redstone and commands to alter the game to his fullest extent.
Wiz: And as he explored more and more of Minecraft's world, the group would go on a multitude of different adventures. They killed the Ender Dragon with a stick figure named Purple, and then saved the world from another stick figure, King Orange.
Boomstick: King Orange hated Minecraft and everything it stood for, as it is the reason he lost his son. A virtual Minecraft experience gone wrong, and Gold was never able to be brought back. So he promised to destroy everything Minecraft, and he created a weapon that was perfect for the job: The Staff... Real original name, I know.
Wiz: King Orange's staff allows him to bring out the full potential of any block put inside of it. And these blocks can do a lot, giving him many options from offensive to defensive to support, it's all there for him to use. And when King Orange was eventually defeated, that staff fell into the Second Coming's hands.
Staff[]
- Obsidian Block
- Campfire
- Diamond Block
- Dispenser
- Gold Block
- Grindstone
- Iron Block
- Lightning Rod
- Magma Block
- Redstone Block
- Wither Skeleton Head
- TNT
- Amethyst Block
- Emerald Block
- Cauldron
- Skulk Sensor
- Crafting Table
- Enchanting Table
- End Portal Frame
- Furnace
- Lapis Luzuli Block
- Monster Spawner Block
- Note Block
- Piston
- Brewing Stand
- Cobweb Block
- Dripstone Block
- Oak Log
- Bee Nest
- Ice Block
- Snow Block
- Bookshelf
- Bedrock
- Barrier Block
- Netherite Block
- Lucky Block
- Command Block
- Minecraft Game Icon (Normal and Fused)
Boomstick: Blocks like the Obsidian Block and Bedrock are able to create, push, and displace blocks with incredible force. While the Campfire and Magma Block give the Second Coming fire-based offensive options. Redstone Block lets him activate redstone from afar, TNT launches explosives, End Portal Frame lets him create portals, and Lapis Lazuli can affect gravity, and the Note Block can create music! And those are only a fraction of the blocks that Second Coming can utilize.
Wiz: While these are all great options, they do have the drawback of only being able to do one thing at a time. The staff can only hold one block at a time, so the Second Coming has to be strategic when it comes to what to use and when. Well that would be the case, if not for the best blocks he has access to.
Boomstick: Such as the Barrier Block, which can create truly impenetrable walls of defense, with not even Bedrock being able to break through it. The Netherite Block is able to conduct electricity and one-shot almost every mob.
Wiz: The Lucky Block is an odd one, as it isn't even an actual block from the real game. When used with the staff, the Second Coming would be able to emit energy to control nearby objects, along with summoning any blocks or mobs. But most notably it can duplicate an object, meaning Second Coming potentially can create a never-ending backup of his best weapons, such as the staff.
Boomstick: And the Command Block allows him to access any of Minecraft's many commands. Teleportation,
Wiz: But none of them compare to the Minecraft Icon, which basically gives the Second Coming creative mode. He has god-like control over creating and destroying blocks, entities, and objects. He can use it to fly, rain down projectiles, and even create temporary black holes. If you can do it in Minecraft, he can do it with the Minecraft Icon.
Boomstick: But what happens when you put two Game Icons together? Well, that gives you the Fused Game Icon, which is the most powerful tool the staff can use. With this fused icon, the staff is capable of creating a massive white hole that can destroy all of Minecraft, multiplayer included.
Wiz: It's also capable of creating mobs that aren't in vanilla Minecraft, such as Titan Ravagers and even Herobrine himself. But most importantly is that white hole, because it didn't just threaten one Minecraft World, but multiple. And each Minecraft World contains multiple different dimensions, and we're not just talking about the End and Nether. During the various adventures, we were able to identify at least 16 different worlds within Alan's Minecraft, again, JUST Alan's Minecraft. So at LEAST 16 different universes were being threatened by this one item, and The Second Coming has this in the palm of his hand.
Boomstick: But it isn't just Minecraft, you know. The Second Coming has faced many different games aside from Minecraft, such as Mario and League of Legends. The Second Coming can access some powers and equipment from these games as well, with him being able to use certain power ups and weapons from the games he's played.
Arsenal (Other games)[]
- Sword
- Super Mushroom
- Hammer Suit
- Magic Teleporting Doors
- Flying Carpet
- Magcargo
- Heracross
- Pidgeot
- Ampharos
- Bellossom
- Feraligatr
Wiz: He can grow in size with the Super Mushroom, fly with the Flying Carpet, and has access to yet another sword with the... LoL sword. But more importantly are his Pokemon that he can summon. Pidgeot can fly through the air and manipulate the wind, Heracross gives him another powerful close-range ally, and Magcargo is literally 18,000° Fahrenheit. But none of this is compared to the incredible power of math.
Boomstick: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
Wiz: That's right, the Second Coming has the power of math. He's able to-
Boomstick:-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
Wiz: He's able to-
Boomstick:-OOOOOO-
Wiz: CAN YOU STOP!?
Boomstick:-OOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Wiz:....You done?
Boomstick (cracks open a beer can): Yep.
Wiz: So as I was saying, The Second Coming has the power of math.
Boomstick:...
Wiz:...
Boomstick:...What?
Wiz: Nothing. *clears throat* The Second Coming can use mathematical operations. He can switch positions with subtraction, boost his stats with multiplication, and cut things in half with division. He also has access to graphing, which gives him far more to work with. He can use different signs to create a gun, fire lasers with Cos and Sin, and multiply the graph by π he can create a shield,
Boomstick: This sounds boring, let's get back to the fun stuff.
Wiz: Oh but you're wrong, because by using his mathematical knowledge, he was able to pull off the impossible. By adding an infinity to the gun he was able to make with Cos and Sin, The Second Coming can create an infinitely-long laser that blasts through anything in its path! And it gets better, because when he combines it with a graph and makes R=100, he's able to create a beam so powerful it shattered the-
Boomstick: BOOOORRRIIIING! Let's talk about something cool, like his mainline story!
Wiz: But I wasn-
Boomstick: Moving on, a few years after The Second Coming became a friend of Alan's, an old foe would come back to get his revenge. The Dark Lord, who had helped the Chosen One destroy Alan's PC all those years back, well he's back again.
Wiz: I... Ugh... Fine... Anyway, the Chosen One came back to get the Second Coming's help, because he needed it to destroy the Dark Lord. The Dark Lord was going to spread his Virabots all over the internet, and Alan's PC was the first up on the list. The Second Coming, Chosen One, and the Fighting Stick Figure Gang had to stop him.
Boomstick: But the Dark Lord was too much for them, he was far too strong for all of them, even with Alan's help. One by one each of them fell, until it was only the Second Coming left. He watched his friends get deleted in front of his very eyes, and he was soon to join them. But something changed,, something activated within him. You could say he awakened something.
Wiz: During high emotional distress, the Second Coming activates an extremely powerful form called Awakened. He has natural healing, can shoot lasers, and can move at incredible speeds. When he activated this state, all the code corruption that the Dark Lord inflicted him with was negated, and he was able to kick that stickman's ass.
Boomstick: There's one problem though: The Second Coming has no control over when it activates. And when it's done, he has no memory of what happened while in that state.
Wiz: It also leaves him exhausted, so it's only good for a last minute resort if the going gets tough. Not only that, but his base form is actually far better in a fight than this one. Even though it enhances his stats and gives him powerful abilities, his base form lets him use all of his game equipment, along with the custom equipment we haven't gone over yet: The Adobe Tools.
Boomstick: Tools like the bucket fill let him fill large gaps, the lasso lets him, well, use a lasso, and the eraser lets him erase anything he wants from existence.
Wiz: But the most important one is the Flash Pen. With the pen he can draw whatever he wants into existence, including living creatures, and those creatures will always defend the Second Coming, no matter what. And as an added bonus, only the Second Coming or Alan himself are capable of utilizing it well enough to draw things to life.
Boomstick: Over the years, the Second Coming and his friends have gone through many adventures. From the king of Minecraft to the Lord of darkness, and now he's going up against Alan's first stickman himself, victim. But no matter how many tyrants they go up against, no matter how many things try to destroy their favorite games, the Second Coming will always stick with his friends.
"You ended my friends. Now, I am going to end you."
Computer[]
Wiz: January 1st, 2010. It was the start of a brand new decade, and the end of another. Technology was developing, and the internet was taking off even more than ever before. And while everyone was celebrating the start of a new decade, a simple Youtube video would be uploaded by a small channel, called Jacknjellify, that would change the course of internet culture forever. This video was "Battle for Dream Island 1: Take the Plunge".
Boomstick: And thus the Object Show Community, or OSC for short, was born. Jacknjellify had unknowingly created an entire genre of cartoons, and over the years this community has grown and grown, and isn't showing any signs of stopping.
Wiz: But BFDI isn't the focus of today, despite being the original. Neither is Inanimate Insanity, which was the show that proved anyone could make an object show of their own. To find our topic we have to fast forward 10 years to August 10th, 2020, when a small animation channel called FusionAnimations would release the first episode of his new object show.
Boomstick: This show had very minimal animation, which by this point was rare in the OSC. The genre had grown and advanced over the entire decade, and it has an unspoken quality standard now. But Fusion didn't care and released it anyway. And the name of the show would perfectly explain why it was only a few minutes long with very little actual animation.
Wiz: The Daily Object Show, where every episode would be released each day. Fusion had less than 24 hours to animate each episode, so he had to cut corners in animation quality to make up for time. And at the center of this creative new take on the genre was the host, Computer.
Boomstick: Computer is a very unique host, as unlike most shows he doesn't seem to care that much. Most hosts are eccentric and want to make their show the best it can be, but Computer just says "Screw it, blow up a house or something I don't care!".
Wiz: He hosted a total of 6 seasons of the Daily Object Show, along with 3 Mini seasons to pass the time between the main ones. Yes, I know there are technically 9 seasons of the show, but 3 of them were story based and not an actual competition, so he only hosted 6.
Boomstick: These seasons took him across the world, into the real world, and even into trouble with the mafia. Yeah, Computer was pretty much a trouble magnet, and he knew it!
Wiz: Each season seemed to come with a new big bad to fight. Evil clones, ex-best friends, mafia bosses, ancient gods, and older contestants returning with revenge was pretty much the norm for Computer. And to deal with these threats, Computer needed to get creative with what he could do and what he had on him. And luckily for him, he has a LOT of abilities he can pull from.
Abilities and Arsenal[]
- Pocket dimension creation
- Stretchy limbs
- Shield creation
- Teleportation
- Reviving others
- Levitation/Flight
- Creation
- Telekinesis
- Can breath in space
- Laser blasts
- Possibly hammerspace
- Minus Sign
- Giant hammer
- Lotions
- The Really Good Smelling Lotion
- The Really Bad Smelling Lotion
- The Really Neutral Smelling Lotion
- The Really Chaotic Smelling Lotion
- The Really Small Smelling Lotion
- The Really Smaller Smelling Lotion
- The Really Galactic Smelling Lotion
Boomstick: During the show he displays a number of recurring abilities, such as teleportation and the ability to stretch his arms to obscene proportions. While most of the time this is played for laughs, it happens so much that it can't be ignored.
Wiz: That goes for a lot of his powers, and most of what he has available to him in the first place. Stretching his limbs to grab something, snapping his fingers to revive a contestant, flying through the air while dancing, teleporting at the sound of his name. Almost all of these are jokes and nothing more, but they are present in almost every season and constantly appear. So despite being a "gag" ability, we can't really argue that he doesn't have them.
Boomstick: But even without these joke abilities he has a lot of other things at his disposal! His LEDs aren't just for show you know, as during Season 5 he displays the power to be able to merge them to fire a giant freaking laser beam! And if someone somehow gets past that, he can always pop a quick bubble shield to defend himself and send his opponents flying!
Wiz: Those LEDs are much more than just fancy decorations that occasionally shoot beams, though. Inside of them is a pocket dimension where he keeps his eliminated contestants. This world is an entirely plane of existence, as it isn't his mindspace but it also isn't quite the physical world. And nobody can leave unless he pulls them out himself.
Boomstick: If he pulls you in, you aren't getting out. Though, he does have a limited number of spaces, right? He only has 3 LEDs, and one person/group can only occupy one at a time. It's not like he can just create more of the- MY GOSH!
Wiz: Yeah, he absolutely can create more of them at will. As seen during Daily Dash's penultimate episode, he was able to spontaneously create a fourth LED to trap Wardrobe and Blogger, meaning he can possibly trap an infinite amount of people as long as he has space for a new LED. So, theoretically speaking, he could win this entire thing in only a couple of seconds, as he would be able to permanently trap everyone inside of him. Unless they can escape a pocket dimension of course, then he'd have to deal with them later, but he still could take out a significant chunk of the competition by just grabbing people.
Boomstick: As a bonus to the already broken LEDs: Whoever gets trapped is also affected by whatever happens to Computer. During one of Season One's first challenges, Cringe Pill (Yes that's a character) builds a cloning machine and clones Computer. Though since Scat messed with it, the clone ended up becoming evil, and attacked during the next episode.
Wiz: Why is that relevant to the LEDs, you ask? Well it was the second episode, so there was an elimination already, and Blood Bag happened to be the first out. While Blood Bag himself wasn't hit with the clone ray, he WAS inside of Computer when it happened, so he got an evil clone as well. Sadly though, the pocket world isn't explored all too well during the show despite it's significance, so we don't know everything about it. But if Blood Bag could be cloned by simply being inside of Computer, than maybe someone inside of him will also be... Killed perhaps? If he dies, there's nothing stating that anyone trapped inside of him also doesn't die. But there's also nothing stating they do, so we don't really know what would happen.
Boomstick: Oh yeah, the evil clones. Uhh, guess we gotta talk about the villains now, huh? Well, Evil Computer and Evil Blood Bag weren't the only villains Computer had to deal with, as every season usually brought in new foes for Computer to face. And most of them wanted the same thing: Lotion.
Wiz: For almost every season of the show, the prize would be a lotion, a Really ____ Smelling Lotion specifically. These four lotions were crucial to both his show, and defeating almost every villain they came across, and we'll get into why they were so special. The Really Good Smelling Lotion is the first one to appear on the show, being the prime focus of both seasons 1 and 2. Found atop Cobalt Mountain, this lotion's scent is so good it quite literally saved the world... Twice!
Boomstick: The first time was when Computer and Skull was up against Cobalt Blue, the ancient traitorous Super Object who managed to revive himself. Cobalt Blue has the special power of his fumes, which can allow him to access the Mindscape of whoever he desires. What's the Mindscape you ask? Well, it's your mind, obviously. A place inside of you that holds your consciousness, your memories, your everything. And most importantly it's what lets you keep control of your body.
Wiz: With the Mindscape, Cobalt Blue was able to gather an army and bring himself back to life. Computer lost control of his body, and Cobalt Blue was about to reign supreme over all of objectkind. But something stopped him, as he smelled something good in his own Mindscape. Somehow the Really Good Smelling Lotion was able to follow him, and it broke him from his control temporarily. He needed that lotion, and he craved it.
Boomstick: Computer was able to distract Cobalt long enough to re-enter his own body, taking back control from the god. But Cobalt had already been reborn, so it didn't really matter that much. Well, that is, if not for one more thing.
"They call me the thinker, how about a dollop!"
Wiz: With even a small single dollop of the lotion covering Cobalt's nose, it was able to overwhelm him. It smelled magnificent, incredible, godlike, and Cobalt couldn't handle it. Cobalt shattered from the scent in a brilliant explosion that lit up the night sky.
Boomstick: Cobalt, buddy, you're a literal GOD, and you get killed by some lotion? Seriously, how pathetic are yo-
Wiz pulls out an opened beer can and holds it to Boomstick's nose
Boomstick: Heh heh.... Beer....
Wiz tosses the beer into an adjacent room, and Boomstick runs after it. Wiz rolls his eyes and continues.
Wiz: This lotion let Computer escape mind control and save the world, but he wasn't done with it. See, the other five of Cobalt's minions got a wiff of the lotion, and they wanted it for themself. So he got an idea, and so began the first season of the Daily Object Show. Blood Bag, Card, Cringe Pill, Water Bottle, and Scat all competed for this lotion, but none of them ended up getting it, because of the evil clones from earlier.
Boomstick mumbles drunkenly as he walks back into the studio.
Boomstick: Wha...? What's going on?
Wiz: The analysis, Boomstick.
Boomstick: Oh yeah, evil clones, oooooooo very scary!
Wiz: Evil Computer returned in the finale, now with Evil Blood Bag, and they wanted the lotion. So, in a heroic move, Water Bottle gave up her prize and threw it into the sun, causing Evil Computer and Evil Blood Bag to fly from the earth to the sun in a measly 3-4 seconds. This means that Water Bottle threw the lotion, and the clones moved at 37.4 million kilometers per second, which is 77.4 times faster than light.
Boomstick: Wait Water Bottle's a GIRL!? But- How- I- HE- I mean- SHE SOUNDS LIKE A GUY!
Wiz: Fusion was the only voice actor, with occasional appearances from his dad and other friends, and he didn't get a female voice actor until Season 3.
Boomstick: O h, uhh, that's... Wait that means Scat might be a girl.....
Wiz: No, and back on topic. While the Really Good Smelling Lotion was incredibly useful, the Really Bad Smelling Lotion was... Not really that useful actually. It just smells bad, nothing else. It doesn't pull you out of mind control nor does it convince someone to move at faster than light speeds, it just... Exists?
Boomstick: Yeah, but at least it keeps people away! That's for damn sure, I mean, it even has the classic Spongebob sound effect.
Wiz: There actually wasn't a lotion in Season 3... 4...? We'll just go with 4. Season 4 didn't have a lotion, and instead had a single dollar bill as the prize... Wow...
Boomstick: But that dollar let them buy our 3rd lotion, the Really Neutral Smelling Lotion! This lotion was used to calm a raging Toast down, even healing all the wounds caused by.... Uhh.... "An accident".
Wiz: This Neutral Smelling Lotion brought Toast down to a reasonable emotional level, and he no longer wanted to destroy the world. And later on, it was even able to make Normal Pill feel (Momentarily) normal, which is a shame it wasn't permanent because he is SO annoying!
Boomstick: While he used it to save the world, Computer made an enemy in the process: Cigar, his last big villain. Cigar ran a shop totally NOT owned by the mafia, and Computer didn't even pay full price for the Lotion!
Wiz: Cigar sent six of his goons to go get the lotion, and those 6 happened to be the six combatants of Season 6: Mafioso Mayhem. However, as the season went on Shoe started to enjoy himself, and by the end he didn't really want to stick with Cigar. So, as punishment, Cigar came to the show himself and gave Shoe a kiss, whi-
Boomstick:A KISS?! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Wiz: Yes, a kiss, a kiss of death. The II Bacio Della Morte, the kiss of death. This simple kiss killed Shoe, and in a show where people constantly died, this death actually meant something.
Boomstick: Oh.... Uhh... Shit.
Wiz: But Computer had a plan, and even though all his contestants were fighting him under the mafia's side, he had the lotion. This lotion not only calms people down, but gives them a temporary immunity to things like the II Bacio Della Morte. And it even revived Shoe back from the dead as a bonus.
Boomstick: What the HELL are these lotions!? They can kill gods AND revive people!?
Wiz: I'm glad you asked, because this brings us to our final lotion: The Really Chaotic Smelling Lotion. The last of the four lotions, this lotion was the prize for Season 7: Beach Battle. Similar to the Bad Smelling Lotion, the Chaotic one doesn't seem to have any known abilities, but that's not what we're talking about. Because this season is when it really got serious on the villain's side.
Boomstick: See, every time a villain died their spirit would be brought into the sky. We first saw this when red lightning unnaturally struck and killed Skull and Airplane, who we forgot to talk about earlier because they are irrelevant. It happened again later, when Cigar was struck by the same lightning and his spirit flew up to the sky as 3 red rings appeared in the clouds.
Wiz: This is where we get re-introduced to the main villain, Evil Computer. He had been grabbing the villains of the show into the Astral Plain to grow his army, and with his army complete he sent them to collect the lotions. And to get the Chaotic Lotion, he sent his fellow clone: Evil Blood Bag. See, after the events of Skull's arrest in Daily Dash, the evil cloning machine was lost to the ocean... Wow we really did skip over him, huh?
Boomstick: Yep! And that machine found it's way onto a beach, where a certain bomb decided to eat the core?! Seriously, why would someone do that!?
Wiz holds up a glowing red square pulsing with energy.
Boomstick: You're not gonna make me eat that, Wiz.
Wiz: It's beer flavored.
Boomstick immediately dives for the object and eats it. Before he can even realize Wiz was lying, he suddenly explodes into red energy and fizzles away. Wiz writes some things down as a replacement Boomstick is brought in by Jocelyn.
Boomstick: Eh? What happened?
Wiz: You blacked out. MOVING ON! Bomb decided to eat the core, and thus became the new host of the Evil Cloning Machine. And when Evil Blood Bag saw this, he decided to use his ghostly powers to possess the bomb.
Boomstick: Oh yeah! And he finally got some spotlight in the show, only took him 7 seasons.
Wiz: Well, after a long fight, Blood Bag ended up succeeding. And he, alongside the other ghosts, took the lotions back to Evil Computer. Now why were they doing this, you ask? Well, it's simple, because they-
Boomstick: Were out of lotion! They are ghosts, they can't go buy things!
Wiz: No, it's because these lotions have something very special property when mixed together. If all four lotions were mixed together, it would create a mixture that would allow normal objects to become Super Objects. And Evil Computer needed this power to return to the living realm and get his revenge.
Boomstick: And while Computer was having fun preparing for his final season, Evil Computer brought all the villains to the top of Cobalt Mountain. They poured the lotions, flew into the beams, and became GODS! But something happened, something... Evil... Wait-
Wiz: Evil Computer trapped his fellow villains, even Evil Blood Bag, and absorbed their powers for himself. All of them became his unwilling puppets, and he evolved beyond just a simple Super Object, and became Evil Computer Supreme. With the combined power of 6 super objects, Evil Computer Supreme was truly unstoppable.
Boomstick: Computer stood no chance, literally, because he died. Yeah, Evil Computer ended up killing him without much issue, and he would've gotten away with it too, if not for those meddling time travelers.
Wiz: Even though Computer was killed, because of time travel shenanigans he was able to be brought back.
Boomstick: So they went back in time, to the first Super Objects, to try and get Evil Computer off the menu.
Wiz:....Riigghhttt.... Moving on, they went back in time to the period of the Super Objects, to try and get their help. The day Cobalt Blue first died, the Super Objects, Aqua, Storm, Tree, and Fireball, would come to see travelers from the future. They heard about what was going on, and when they realized that not only was Cobalt Blue involved, but was now a mere puppet to a much greater force, they knew it was serious.
Boomstick: But they couldn't just, you know, go in the future? I guess? For whatever reason they decide to take the suic-I mean... Sacrifice option, turning Computer and the original 5 contestants into Super Objects to go fight!
Wiz: They knew they couldn't use the lotions to turn them into Super Objects, so instead they had to use their own power. And while that did make the power Computer and friends received even greater, it came at the cost of the Super Objects' lives.
Boomstick:.....Also Water Bottle might be a dependent of Aqua, which is cool! Technically that means she was already part Super Object, but now she is 100% a god.
Wiz: As a Super Object, Computer actually doesn't seem to gain that many new abilities. And unlike before, we can't exactly say that any of Evil Computer's powers are his, as remember Evil Computer Supreme has the power of 5 Super Objects, while Super Computer only has one. And while Super Computer can absolutely scale to Supreme cutting through and smashing a mountain onto the group, we have no evidence saying that he can replicate that without special tools.
Boomstick: Though, it still didn't matter. Even with the power of Super Objects, Evil Computer was just too much for them, and Computer died again. Jesus man, this guy keeps on coming back! I sure hope we don't have to deal with any more guys who cheat death, because they are filthy freaking cheaters....
Wiz just looks at him with a smug grin, knowing damn well that the next two combatants are all about coming back from the dead.
Boomstick:.....Wait no don't tell me-
Wiz: Computer wasn't done though, because it turns out becoming a ghost isn't unique to villains. Computer ascended to the Astral Plane, and decided to host one final elimination. With a final warcry, Computer fired a powerful beam down from the heavens, taking Evil Computer out once and for all.
Boomstick: Evil Computer was finally defeated, but Computer had to die to deal the final blow. The world began to heal, and everyone started moving on with their lives. Water Bottle and Lava Bucket got married, Cigar reclaimed ownership of his shop, Airplane went back to flying people, and peace was finally, even if for a time, achieved.
"Hello, welcome to the Daily Object Show, I'm your host Computer, let's meet the contestants!"
Suction Cup Man[]
Wiz: Climbing, a pastime many find enjoyment in. Whether you're climbing a rock wall, a cliff, or a mountain, there's something about taking a peaceful climb that just eases one's spirits.
Boomstick: But none of those satisfied one very special climber, a climber of suction cups. He wasn't interested in mountains or cliffs or rock walls, no, he was interested in towers. One tower in particular!
Wiz: This man was the self-proclaimed climber of the year, Suction Cup Man.
Boomstick: Just like his name suggests, Suction Cup Man is a man who climbs with, you guessed it, suction cups. Climbing some guy's tower isn't just his favorite hobby, it's practically his whole life! And he takes climbing very seriously.
Wiz: Unfortunately for one Mr. Guy Business, Suction Cup Man decided that his skyscraper in particular would be his main attraction. No matter how many times Guy Business tried to get rid of him, he just wouldn't budge. Not even when he got shot off the side of his tower did he stop, in fact he just walked a normally-fatal drop off like it was nothing.
Boomstick: Even after creating an anti-suction cup window cleaner, the Business Dummy just couldn't get rid of Mr. Cup Man, no matter how hard he tried. So eventually he took him to court, to try and settle this once and for all.
Wiz: But before he was used by Mr. Business, Suction Cup Man had quite the series of adventures to pass the time. Sometime after his first interaction with the Business Dummy, the US President heard word of the climber, and wanted in on him.
Boomstick: Suction Cup Man literally got hired by Donald effing Trump to prevent World War III. No, I'm not joking, and yes, it does get more bizarre.
Wiz: And so he was deployed in North Korea to disarm a nuclear missile, which while he did succeed in, it wasn't before he badmouthed the leader of the nation himself. The provoked leader fired the missile, and Suction Cup Man had to disarm it mid-air.
Boomstick: "But how did he survive the fall" I hear you ask. Well, did you not pay attention earlier?! You can't kill him, he's Suction Cup Man! Also because he had a parachute.
Wiz: Since Suction Cup Man is climbing almost every waking moment, he needs to have at least one failsafe if he ends up falling. And what better to save him than his trusty parachute? This parachute is only one part of his stupidly large arsenal, but it's by far the most helpful not counting the suction cups themselves. For some odd reason this parachute seems to be able to activate automatically, so Suction Cup Man doesn't even have to worry about activating it himself.
Arsenal (Standard)[]
- Suction Cups
- Helmet
- Backpack
- Guitar
- Harmonica
- Parachute
- Crowbar
Boomstick: Speaking of arsenal, this guy has a massive arsenal, especially given he literally just climbs towers and nothing else. From suction cups to crowbars to grappling hooks, Suction Cup Man has a lot he can pull out of his incredible backpack.
Wiz: This backpack seems to act as a weird pocket-dimension, being capable of storing a seemingly infinite amount of suction cups and other things. He has been shown being able to pull entire guitars out of it, despite the guitar being bigger than the backpack itself. Hell, he has more than one guitar stored in the backpack, which is even further proof of it giving him some kind of Hammerspace.
Boomstick: As shown with his fight with the Almighty Pigeon, Suction Cup Man is able to quickly pull out anything in his wide arsenal he wants at a moment's notice. And for some reason, this badmouthed climber has so much more crap than he has any right to have.
Wiz: His guitar serves as a way to provoke and taunt his opponents, while also being a useful close-range weapon when things get tough. Or the harmonica, which also acts as a taunting item but can also be thrown from further away. And if he needs to take care of something quick, he has access to a crowbar to make for quick brutal kills.
Boomstick: But this isn't all he has, no he has so much more than what he usually shows off.
Arsenal (Extended)[]
- A different kind of suction cups
- Grappling Hook
- Ladder
- Vacuum Cleaner
- Duct Tape
- Glue
- Bandages
- Pickaxes
- Rope
- Vinyl Stickers
- Pigeon Pal
Wiz: After he was used by Business Dummy he could no longer own any climbing grade suction cups, so he had to get creative. He tried many things, from throwing a grapple to using a vacuum cleaner, but nothing seemed to work. Pickaxes would just break the glass, duct tape would just smudge the windows, and glue... We don't talk about glue.
Boomstick: But after all of that, he found hope in the last place you would expect: A sex shop. This store for adult toys gave him the hope he needed, as the quick-thinking cashier gave him an idea that would save his life: To use other kinds of suction cups, if you get what I'm saying.
Wiz: These "special" cups are anything but climbing grade, meaning he was legally allowed to own them. And when Business Dummy saw what he had created, oh man did he regret it.
Boomstick: The case was dropped, and Suction Cup Man could be Suction Cup Man again! He got his suction cups back, and could now climb on Dummy's tower during the weekends!
Wiz: But one question still remained: How was he so unkillable? Countless times he suffered injuries that would be a death sentence to a normal human, but he would just walk it off. He fell from towers, got run over by cars, and was shot multiple times, yet he barely suffered a scratch. So how did he do it?
Boomstick: Well in the 3rd episode we got our answer. See, while he walks every other injury off, he isn't durable enough to survive getting hit by a car.... Twice in a row. So he died, and showed that Suction Cup Man can in fact be killed.
Wiz: He found himself in none other than Hell, where he met the Lord of all Evil, the Devil himself. And he was not impressed in the slightest! Seriously, Suction Cup Man just found out that afterlife and the Devil are real, and he could not give any more of a shit!
Boomstick: The Devil tried, oh did he try to be intimidating, but Suction Cup Man just didn't take him seriously. He mocked him, he called him a Ketchup Bottle, and he even told him to suck his d-
Wiz: -Despite being in literal Hell, Suction Cup Man still wasn't convinced he could die. So when he looked up and saw the portal of the living, he knew his mission. The Devil tried to stop him, even shooting out energy blasts from his eyes to try and knock Suction Cup Man off the wall, but it was ultimately useless. As Suction Cup Man was able to climb out of Hell, back into the land of the living.
Boomstick: Yeah, he just flips death off and comes back to his body as if nothing happened! The Devil, the guy who rules an entire dimension, was not able to stop this nuisance from returning to the land of the living. And it's clear that, as long as he has a way to climb, he will come back from death, no matter what.
Wiz: And so after he stopped a world war, after he came back from the dead, and after he finally (kinda) made peace with Business Dummy, everything was finally done... For like 4 years. Yeah, turns out his adventures weren't done yet, and many years later he got a surprise 5th episode. Suction Cup Man would find his next opponent be not North Korea, not Satan, not even Business Dummy, but a pigeon.
Boomstick: A pigeon, just a regular pigeon. That's one hell of a downgrade.
Wiz: Calling this pigeon "ordinary" is not really accurate, Boomstick. This pigeon was able to show human-level martial arts skill, and continuously bested Suction Cup Man in combat. After Suction Cup Man destroyed their nest, the pigeon slapped Suction Cup Man so hard it not only created a small shockwave, but the climber was sent plummeting down at incredible speeds and created a him-shaped hole in the ground upon landing. This pigeon is more powerful than you could possibly imagine.
Boomstick: Suction Cup Man had enough of this, and decided to end things once and for all. So he sped up the tower, pulled out his crowbar, and paused. The pigeon was tearing up while holding what remained of their nest, and something about the scene broke Suction Cup Man. This normally aggressive man showed some actual empathy for this random bird, and that did not go unpunished.
Wiz: Offering his climbing helmet as a new nest, Suction Cup Man managed to make amends with this bird. And as a thank you, the pigeon single-handedly carried him all the way to the roof of the building, so the two of them could watch the sunset and eat chips together. Suction Cup Man managed to find a friend, even if that friend is a highly-intelligent pigeon.
Boomstick: At the end of the day, Suction Cup Man is still a man, just with suction cups. And while he stopped World War III, climbed out of Hell, outsmarted the law, and made friends with a literal pigeon, he's still a person with his own goals and the potential to grow. And who knows? Maybe someday in the future he'll use his climbing powers for good, and not just selfish gain.....
Wiz and Boomstick: Nah!
Wiz: He'll always be climbing Business Dummy's tower, smudging up his windows, and being a general nuisance to all of society. At the end of the day, no one can unsuck his suction cups. And remember, he doesn't do it for girls or money, he does it cause it's fuckin' funny!
"You can't kill me, I'm Suction Cup Man! Look at me go!"
Boomstick:....
Wiz:....Why isn't the segment ending?
Boomstick: BECAUSE EPISODE 5 JUST FUCKING CAME OUT!
Wiz: WAIT WHA-
Boomstick: YEP! Suction Cup Man: Rise and Grind JUST came out, and more episodes have been announced!
Wiz: Well, guess we gotta update this then! With the new episode, Suction Cup Man actually doesn't gain that much in terms of arsenal, but there are still quite a few things we need to go over. Specifically his new weakness: Getting smacked on the head.
Boomstick: In the episode, Business Dummy bashes his head in with the window, which causes him to lose all of his memories. Suction Cup Man becomes Craig Raisins, and is an extremely hard worker at Business Dummy's company. Craig gets promoted in no time, and in the span of a single day climbs the corporate latter into a manager's position.
Wiz: This is where we see something never before seen in Suction Cup Man's character: His intelligence. Suction Cup Man is surprisingly intelligent, and in this episode he was able to fully automate the mail system for the company, along with striking a deal with the country of Finland to let Business Dummy's company be the exclusive provider for toilet paper.
Boomstick: Even though Suction Cup Man isn't fully himself in this episode, he still should have that same level of intelligence and craftsmanship that Craig showcases. Using only duct-tape and paper towel rolls, Craig was able to create a fully automated system to take care of all the company's mail.
Wiz: Craig, just like Suction Cup Man, focuses nothing on climbing to the top. Though it isn't a tower this time, but the corporate ladder. He goes from a simple mail person to a sales worker into the manager of all of sales in only a few hours. And yet, he doesn't even know what a microwave is.
Boomstick: Though, Business Dummy started to panic. He saw just how quickly Craig was climbing, and had a nightmare episode. It turns out that Suction Cup Man haunts him in his dreams.
Wiz: So Business Dummy ended up firing him... By bashing his head in with a bat. Craig returned to being Suction Cup Man, with no memories of working at the company.
Boomstick: And so he went back to being Suction Cup Man, even though he still wanted that microwave.
"Hmm, must've dozed off up here... Well time to start climbing stuff with my suction cups! Let's gooo, weeee! Yoo hooo! Yeah I'm Suction Cup Man!"
Hank J. Wimbleton[]
Metallix/Turbo Mecha Sonic[]
Wiz: Ah, the Mushroom Kingdom. A symbol of peace, prosperity, and kindness.
Boomstick: Ugh, boring! Move aside princess, it's time this place got way more awesome! Here comes King Koopa himself, better known as "Bowser".
Wiz: The Koopa King, ever since he was an orphaned starchild, was raised by the wizard Kamek. He had one goal in mind: Take the princess for himself, and rule the Kingdom with an iron fist.
Boomstick: But most of the time things did not go to plan for this lovable goof. And when he interrupted a kart race/smash tournament (depending on the version you're watching), things went wrong in a whole new way.
Wiz: He had Mario in his grasp. His new metal form gave him near-full invulnerability, and Mario was no match. But something fell from the heavens and put a premature end to his victory. And out of this strange capsule came two animal-like humanoids from another world: Sonic and Shadow the Hedgehog.
Boomstick: And this time around, Sonic wasn't here for the Olympics. He was here because one of Dr. Ivo Robotnik's creations went rogue, and the universe was at risk.
Wiz: In a desperate attempt to defeat Sonic, the devious Dr. Eggman had created many different robotic replicas of the hedgehog, but all fell short. All, except for one: Metal Sonic.
Boomstick: No matter how many times Metal Sonic failed, he would just keep coming back. He was determined to best his fleshy counterpart, and his determination broke through every single restriction the doctor put on his systems.
Wiz: One fateful night, after a particularly humiliating defeat at the hands of the blue blur, Metal Sonic snuck into Robotnik's secret laboratory that housed all the previous metallic hedgehogs. And before Eggman could stop him, Metal would absorb them all, transforming into the terrifying Turbo Mecha Sonic.... Or Metallix in the reboot.
Boomstick: Scared of this new creation, Eggman tried to shut his creation down. But Metal refused, and he brought disaster upon the planet Mobius.
Wiz: Robotnik's space base, the moon-sized Death Egg, would be forced out of Mobius' orbit and sent crashing into the planet. The base blew up, shaking the entire planet, and Metal was at the very epicenter of that explosion.
Boomstick: This crash landing was so powerful it not only shook the very planet, but covered the skies in thick smoke.
Wiz: This is similar to our very own Chicxulub Impact Event, which killed the freaking dinosaurs. This meteor struck the Earth with around 72 Teratons of TNT, creating a massive crater and sending the already-spiraling late-Cretaceous into an even worse death spiral.
Boomstick: And Metallix just tanked this thing without an issue! In fact not only did he tank it, but he then went on to kill all of Sonic's friends within the span of a few hours! Knuckles, Tails, Cream, none of them stood a chance.
Wiz: Despite having absorbed three other Mechas, Metallix still wasn't perfect. He needed the Chaos Emeralds to unlock his full potential, and he cut through all of the Mobians who dare stand in his way. And this was all building up for the final conflict, where he would face his rival one more time.
Boomstick: With 6 of the 7 Chaos Emeralds, Turbo Mecha Sonic was far too powerful for the hedgehog to stop. Sonic was cast aside as Metal took the 7th Emerald, holding it in the palm of his metal hand as his rival trembled in fear.
Wiz: Finally, after all this time failing to this inferior flesh and blood, Metal had fulfilled his goal. He held the Emerald up, but before he could become fully Super, Shadow stopped him. With Chaos Control, Shadow had sent the Emeralds into another dimension, stopping Metal from achieving his goal.
Boomstick: But what they didn't know is that Metal had a way to follow them, and used the lingering Chaos energy to warp out of Mobius to continue his pursuit. And that's where Mario and friends come in, because it was their dimension that Shadow sent the Emeralds to.
Wiz: It became a race against the clock, with Metal trying to collect the Emeralds for himself, while the Hedgehogs, the Mario brothers, and a friendly Yoshi tried to get them before the robot could. Throughout their adventures they would come across many different colorful characters, from the Koopa Bros to the Axem Rangers.
Boomstick: But while the heroes struggled with trying to locate them, Mecha already knew where they were. Being a robot, Metal has a lot of built-in features that aid him in his collection and the battles that come with it, such as a tracker that'll locate the nearest Emerald.
Wiz: This tracker is a bit inconsistent, as sometimes Mecha is unable to locate an Emerald that Stuffwell was hiding, while another time he was able to warp directly to an emerald's location from Mobius' dimension. So it's more likely that it isn't a direct tracker, but gives Mecha more of a general location of where an Emerald is.
Boomstick: But that won't help him in a battle, which is why he comes with a multi-function cannon arm!
Wiz: If he needs to, Metallix is capable of transforming his arms into a multi-function weapon. In the original series, Turbo Mecha Sonic is shown being able to fire homing missiles and regular bullets at high speeds. In the reboot, this cannon gets switched out for a minigun, and the missiles get moved to two hidden launchers on his shoulders.
Boomstick: Though since we're combining them, I guess that means he has access to both.
Wiz: Though that isn't all he can do if he gets in a scuffle. He can fly around, teleport on a dime, back his attacks up with electric power, rip the ground up with telekinesis, and fire mountain-piercing lasers.
Boomstick: And in the reboot, during his fight with Yoshi, he was capable of creating large-scale explosions that would vaporize entire sections of the forest. And his physical prowess is nothing to scoff at, being shown to be able to move at near-lightspeed during clashes with Mario and Sonic, and kick his enemies through multiple mountains at once!
Wiz: And if he somehow gets in a sticky situation, he can create bubble shields capable of fully blocking the Breaker Beam, which was fired by the Red Axem Ranger. A previous use of this beam cut through 3 entire mountains while being powered by a single Chaos Emerald, and this shield just let Mecha fly through it.
Boomstick: Though none of these compare to the powers he gained from some of Sonic's friends, most notably Shadow's Chaos Control. Similarly to how it works in the official series, Shadow is able to perform a multitude of different things with the power of a single Emerald. From stopping time to crossing dimensions, Chaos Control gives Metal so many more options to deal with his prey.
Wiz: This ability is the very power that Shadow used earlier in the series to send the Emeralds to the Kingdom in the first place, and is the same power Mecha used to follow them. So theoretically, Metallix could be capable of sending his opponents to another dimension, most likely the destroyed Mobius.
Boomstick: Though he still needs an Emerald or the Emerald's Energy to have access to these powers. We really weren't lying when we said that he needs the Emeralds to be efficient.
Wiz: And the more Emeralds he has the stronger he becomes. With only one Emerald, the Breaker Beam was capable of destroying three entire mountains, firing with over a Teraton of TNT. And that's just from ONE Emerald, imagine what he could do with all seven.
Boomstick: And given base Metallix is able to survive the planet-shaking explosion of the Death Egg, threw Yoshi through multiple mountains, and speedblitz the likes of Sonic and Mario, Mecha is already plenty strong without them. These Emeralds are just overkill at this point.
Wiz: During the fight on Yoshi's Island, Turbo Mecha Sonic was able to nab a total of 4 of the 7 Emeralds and absorb their power. His body turned golden, his eyes glowed brighter, and he had achieved a Semi-Super state. While not fully complete, in this Semi-Super form Metallix gains a significant buff to his already-impressive physical capabilities.
Boomstick: In this state he made quick work of both the Koopa Bros and the Axem Rangers, and he wasn't done. He fought the entire squad of heroes on his own, clashing with them and quickly overwhelming them by sheer power.
Wiz: Each attack he landed sent out shockwaves in every direction, destroying what little remained of Yoshi's Island. And after he was finished with that, he flew into the sky and did the one thing that everyone knows him for: He created a mini-star.
Boomstick: While it's unclear if this is an actual star, we'll still be calling it one for simplicity's sake. It's more likely that this is simply a powerful ball of energy resembling a star, and not an actual star.
Wiz: He built and built more and more energy, taunting the heroes as they panicked. See, Mecha loves to toy with his prey, preferring to make them suffer over delivering a quick and safe death. This often leads to the heroes pulling a fast one and stopping him, which is exactly what happened here. His taunting gave Mario enough time to think quickly and grab a Super Star. Similar to the Chaos Emeralds, these stars grant the wielder with immense power. Though unlike the Emeralds, they only last for a small amount of time.
Boomstick: Metal got jumped by the plumber and hedgehog, and the Emeralds got knocked out of him. But he wasn't done, oh no he wasn't.
Wiz: Even though he lost his Semi-Super form, Metal still proved that he was not someone to be cast aside. And so, without any Emeralds backing him up, he kicked the ball of energy down towards the island. The heroes just barely managed to escape with Chaos Control, leaving only milliseconds between them and death.
Boomstick: This was not the end of the chase, though. Metal would follow them into the Minus World, and eventually retreated to go make a final plan to get the Emeralds. However, that's where the original series ended, as the reboot would take over.
Wiz: So while we don't know how similar or different Metallix's story will be from Turbo Mecha Sonic's, one thing is for sure: He will stop at nothing to get what he wants, and will crush anyone who dares stand between him and the Chaos Emeralds.
"I'll crush you!"
Interlude[]
Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set and we've run the data through all possibilities.
Boomstick: It's time for a Battle Arena!
Pre-Fight[]
Fight[]
Results[]
Trivia[]
- Sergeant John Captain from the TANKMEN series was originally in the cast
- He would be replaced by Metallix, who beat out Devil Mario in a poll to join the cast
- This is actually Jershy's senior project
Gallery[]
Credits[]
Blogs used[]
- Henry Stickmin VS The Second Coming - Matchup Madness
- Tari VS Miko - 27Ultra
- Uzi and N VS Toko and Komaru - New Horizons
Character Credits[]
- Blitzo and Helluva Boss are owned by Vivienne Medrano and Spindelhorse.
- Mordecai Heller and Lackadaisy are owned by Tracy J. Butler and (kinda) Glitch Productions
- Bob Velseb and Spooky Month are owned by Sr. Pelo
- Tari and Meta Runner are owned by Glitch Productions
- Sir Benedict Cumbersnatch and Sunset Paradise are owned by Glitch Productions
- Both the SMG4 character and the SMG4 channel are owned by Luke Lerdwichagul and Glitch Productions
- Uzi Doorman and Murder Drones are owned by Liam Vickers and Glitch Productions
- The Second Coming and Animator vs. Animation are owned by Alan Becker
- Computer and The Daily Object Show are owned by FusionAnimations
- Suction Cup Man is owned Piemations
- Hank J. Wimbleton and Madness Combat are owned by Krinkles
- Turbo Mecha Sonic/Metallix and Super Mario Bros. Z are owned by Mark Haynes